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Missed Jokes

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

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[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

My ex-wife told me she missed me...

Thank goodness she is a terrible shot..

She said she missed me....

Normally that would be good thing, except I can see she is reloading.

I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”

If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa.

Damn, missed

A Priest and a Lawyer go golfing. The Lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!"

The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed...

Don't worry if you missed 4/20

Because today is 4/20 too!

Bob Saget will be missed. He was very loved by all......

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There is no doubt his funeral will be a full house.

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

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I missed a day at the cosmetology school

My teacher said I now have to take a makeup class.

I missed work today because I pulled a groin

Not mine - someone else’s. He punched me and now I have a bloody nose.

A Missed GPS Opportunity

I think Tag Team really missed out on a pivotal GPS tie-in. Instead of “You have reached your destination” we could have had “Whoomp. There it is!”

Missed Orientation Class of Fight Club

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

Not mine and could be old but this will not age

You missed a great joke

Carl: how many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?

Steve: well I can eat 6.

Carl: no you can eat only 1 because after after eating one you are no longer on an empty stomach.

Steve: Great joke! I will tell my friend.

Steve: dude how many apples can you eat on an empty ...

If you missed the ball drop last night....

Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl

Whoever came up with the name “testes” missed a great opportunity

Considering that women have ovaries, they definitely should have been called underies

I've missed World Braille Day every year

I just never see it coming

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

Did you hear about the blind rabbi that missed when he was trying to perform a circumcision?

He got the sack!

Badum tiss.

Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...

They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.

I think I missed Mike ache day.

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

I thought I missed my cake day

batter late than never!

Missed meeting

I woke up a bit late this morning and missed an online meeting I didn't get an invite to until Friday, which was a vacation day in the states.

After the meeting was over I got a message from my boss asking me why I missed the meeting.

So I asked, "Well, can I be Frank?"

And he...

I missed my flight

Flight 404 could not be found

Whomever called them Kegels….

And not puss-ups really missed out

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone...

He saw he had 10 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

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4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

I missed my ex-wife the other day....

So I'm going shopping for a better scope

I missed the bus today.

I really shouldn't be this sentimental about public transport.

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.

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A priest and a businessman were playing golf.

The businessman tried to putt the ball, but the ball rolled past the hole.

"Fucking hell, God!" swore the businessman. "Do not take the name of the Lord in anger, my son," the priest cautioned. At the same time, clouds started to form in the sky, which they didn't notice.

Three times a...

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

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[nsfw] You missed a spot

One morning, a couple woke up horny so they decided to 69. The husband forgot he had a dentist appointment, so he ran to brush his teeth and use mouth wash. He felt super fresh and confident as he sat down in the exam chair. As the dentist leans in to do his work, he shoots back and asks the patien...

Oops I missed a week

Has anyone seen my last post on here about me and my brother's spime surgery?

It was about 2 weak backs

I missed my ex...

But I managed to hit her boyfriend right between the eyes

Guess who missed Spiderman Homecoming?

Uncle Ben.

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Shit, I missed!

A sailor is getting drunk in a bar. Every time he finishes a drink he takes the bottle and throws it at the trash. Naturally Because he's drunk he keeps missing. Every time he misses he yells "shit, I misses." he does this a couple times, when a priest turns around and says "you should really stop ...

I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I slept in.

I'm not a mourning person.

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The missing letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to q...

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

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I missed the holiday for premature ejaculators this year.

I think it came early.

I missed my wife

Guess it's back to the range for more practice...

My wife missed her last 2 periods

She doesn't know when to stop.

What did the gemstone say when it missed the bus?

Garnet!

Told this girl I missed her, and she replied with "ohh". Guys, what zone is this?

Ozone

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