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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.


We had six balls between us.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.

Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

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I went for a job interview last week

The guy asked me what my biggest weakness is. I said I'm too honest.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

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So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"...
and flew out the window.

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

Went out for sushi last night

And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

I went to an herbalist looking for wisdom.

All he gave me was *sage* advice.

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I went to the premature ejaculation support group and nobody was there.

Turns out I came too early.

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Went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal.

He cried and his mom was pissed.

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Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

I went to the local auction house because the advert said lots for sale

False advertising, they only had land

I went to the acupuncturist the other day

When I got home my voodoo doll was dead

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

I went to a concert for 45 cents

50 Cent featuring Nickleback

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If we went camping and you woke up with a sore asshole, would you tell anyone?

No?

Want to go camping?

A German man went to New York City

He started peeing on the street

A lady walked pass him and said: "Gross"

He replied: "Danke"

I went to MacDonald's and ordered 2 large fries.

They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.

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Adolf Hitler went to consult a fortune teller

He asked the fortune teller: "When will I die?"

The fortune teller answered: "Sir, You will die on a Jewish holiday"

Hitler asked back: "How are you so sure about that"

He replied: "Sir, whatever day you die on will be a Jewish holiday"

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

I went shopping the other day for cherries and a new microphone.

Bought a BING, bought a BOOM

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked a blonde waitress for a lobster tail.

She smiled sweetly and said, *“Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”*

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I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so I went to my doctor.

He said, "Wow, this is bad. I've seen some weird assholes in my career but this takes the cake." I replied, "Could you at least wait until I drop my pants?"

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Mario, Wario and Luigi went to northern Norway to visit Father Christmas.

Luigi read a big book of Norwegian ethnography before the visit. Wario read a big book about Father Christmas. Mario read a big book about Scandinavian languages.

They had a great time meeting Father Christmas and visiting the workshops, where they spent a little time watching the elves doin...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

I went to the local Indian restaurant because my kids wanted garlic bread

They had naan

Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with six guys?

She came back with a red snapper.

I went to hang out at a friend's house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I kicked him out, I hate having people over.

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Our computers went down at work today ...

... so we had to do everything manually.

It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I went to a beekeeper.

I asked him for a dozen bees.

When he counted them out, there were 13.

I said "hey, you gave me an extra one."

He said "that's a freebie."

I went to visit my 100-year old grandfather the other day

I’ve been concerned because he told me that he will be getting married to his lovely 25-year-old private nurse.

“Gran’ pa, ” I said, “aren’t you worried about a heart attack on your honeymoon?”

“Heart attack?” he laughed back at me “if she dies, she dies…”

A woman went to the dry cleaners to clean a dress she was going to wear to a party in the evening

She walks in and gives the lady at the desk the dress and the woman walks out

“ come again” the lady at the desk says

The woman turns her back and looks at the lady at the desk and says “ no it was just toothpaste this time”

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 5.

I went to a cannibal restaurant last night...

Very expensive - $50 a head

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

Every time Frank went to his friend's house, he found his friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible.

“Why does your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” Frank asked his friend.

*"She’s cramming for her finals.”*

I went to visit the wife's grave today...

She still thinks it's going to be a fishpond.

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Went to a steak house and the waitress asked how I wanted my steak.

I said, "just like I want my sex." She said, "we don't make them that rare."

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

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A reporter went to a small village...

And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".

T...

My wife went to the cinema with her friends

My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his litt...

Went to my first fight club last night

I got there a bit late so I missed the orientation but wow it was amazing. If anyone wants more information, let me know!

\- credit to my friend Brian who popped this one off last night. He's not a very original sort so I'm sure he stole it from somewhere.

A man went into a bookshop and asked 'Where's the self-help section please?

'If I told you, it would defeat the purpose' replied the shop assistant.

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Remember when McDonalds used to serve cheap, crappy food? I went in for the first time in years and I was surprised how much it had changed.

It’s actually quite expensive now.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

A man went down from Chicago to the Key West for a holiday.

His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the gri...

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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

I went out on a date recently with my ideal woman. Highly educated, funny, compassionate, beautiful. When she told me she was a gynecologist, I knew she was the one for me

...she really checked a lot of boxes.

I went down wearing a copper-hat diving suit to see a group of coelacanths

It was old school

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

I went to a car dealership last week and saw a Lamborghini that really caught my eye. I'm just waiting for my paycheck now....

So I can pay for an Uber and go see it again.

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

What did the daddy buffalo say to baby buffalo when he grew up and went to college?

Bison

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Pastor of the small town church died and went to hell.

One of his neighbor who died a year early than him was suprised when he saw the pastor in hell.

Neighbor: Why are you here Pastor? You preached the word of the God and helped our small town community become into peaceful loving town.

Pastor: Actually I'm not suprised why I am here.. ...

The Zamboni driver went missing.

We're hoping he'll resurface.

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor examined him and told him that aside from a low sperm count, he was perfectly healthy. The old man scoffed and said, "Nonsense, I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do y...

I went to a zoo but the only exhibit open was for a tiny dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

Went to the doctor and they tested my DNA. He told me that my DNA is backwards!

I said, “AND?”

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

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I went to pay my tab at the pub but I was 15% short…

The waitress said we could fuck to make up the difference. When I held back most of my dick she asked what the hell I was doing. I told her my bill was paid this is just the tip.

Went on a date with Medusa…

It was awkward. I was rock hard the whole time.

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The lights went out in Men’s room while I was pooping.

I couldn’t see shit.

A Chinese woman went on a blind date

A Chinese woman went on a blind date. Her date turned out to be a very handsome young man. They went to an expensive restaurant and had a great time together. The man even paid for everything.


When they were alone on their way back. The man suddenly revealed himself to be an angel in disg...

I went on a date with a blond women last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I went for a prostate exam

And the doctor while he had his finger inside of me said "don't worry, there's no need to be embarrassed, it's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure." And I said "oh it's OK I don't have one" and he replies "I wasn't talking about you."

Went to a Pentecostal church recently

And was sitting there as the pastor approached and told me, “You will walk today.” I told him, “I’m not crippled.” He leaned in and insisted, You WILL walk today!” I simply nodded. But when I went to the parking lot, I saw someone had stolen my truck.

I went to see the doctor for a problem with my ears.

“What are the symptoms?” asked the doctor.

“They’re a funny yellow family on TV”

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year...

**...and every year Morris would say,**

**'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'**

**Esther always replied,**

**'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is FIFTY dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'**


**One year Esther and Morris went to the fair,...

I went to the butcher today

I went to the butcher today and asked him why they only did the traditional cuts of meat.

He said there's some loins you just don't cross.

When was the last time an Incel went for a run?

Last night on World of Warcraft.

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

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A guy with an extremely long dick went his doctor for a medical.

The doctor said, "That's possible the longest dick I've ever seen!"
The guy said, "My brother's is the same length."
The doctor asked, "is it genetics?"
And the guy say, "Not really, our mother only had one arm and had to get all us kids out of the bath the best way she could."

A young man went to a pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist went up to him and told him that they sell condoms in packs of 4, 8, and 16.

The Man said: "I'm going out with my girlfriend to meet her parents, and then I'm taking her to my house. I really think I'm going to get lucky, so you'd better give me the 16 pack."

Later that ...

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend. He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"


"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.


So the young man shrugged and started eating.


The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit ...

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I went a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair.

As the evening went on, I got more and more drunk and she became more and more attractive. Eventually, I leaned into her..

"So tell me," I slurred, "Have you ever been fingered under a table?"

"No." She replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went…

…then it dawned on me.

What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling?

*Kill the spare.*

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said:

“Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said:

“What was the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said:<...

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’ The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

Did you hear about the heart that went to jail?

Reporters said it was cardiac arrest.

I went to the website for Oreos today

I hit "Accept All Cookies" and got nothing.

A woman went out for drinks one night and didn't come home till morning.

The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man, not believing her, decided to call his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

The following week it was the man's turn not to come home one night. The following day he told his wife that he had sle...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

I went to the doctor...

I went to the doctor recently and he said "Don't eat anything fatty." So I asked "So you mean like bacon and cheesecake and stuff like that?" And he said "No fatty, don't eat anything."

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

Little Johnny went to confession.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out he...

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

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A guy went to the doctor with his penis

The doctor saw his penis and started laughing because it was tiny.

The guy said that wasn't the exact problem.

So the doctor asked what the exact problem was(still laughing).

The guy said, "Well, it's swollen..."








for those who didn't get it ...

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the ...

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."


The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years ...

I went to the bookstore ....

I went to the bookstore and saw a book called;
How to solve 50% of your problems. '
I bought two

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.

So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt

...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude.  It smelled so good I was undeterred.  There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you.  I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"

After I went bald, I couldn’t throw my comb away.

I just couldn’t part with it.

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

Today, I went to a zoo that had a single animal in its parks.

It was a Shih-tzu

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

I went back in time to teach myself how to satisfy a woman

I came too early.

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

A man went to the doctor…

A man went to see his doctor. The Doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied, “I have pain in my ass”. The Doctor inquired, “where”? The man stated, “at the entrance.” The Doctor nodded and said, “as long as you keep calling it an entrance, you’re going to have pain there.”

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

My wife went to a chinese restaurant last night, but walked out in disgust when she saw their dumplings.

A clear case of wonton abandon.

Two best friends went to heaven.

At the pearly gates a saint stopped them and asked, 'Were you faithful husbands on Earth?'

The first replied, 'Yes, I've never betrayed my wife, I barely even looked at other women.'

The saint replied, 'Very good, very good. You can drive this brand new sports car! Here, take the keys!...

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

You ever walk into a room and completely forgot why you went in there?

Yeah, that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

A five year old kid went to his father and asked where did he come from?

The father was taken by surprise but thought maybe the new generation is way more precocious than he thought and one day he will have to tell the kid everything anyway so why not then, so he told him everything honestly. The kid listened to the whole story mesmerized.

In the end the father as...

I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.

The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?”

I said, "Yes, they’re in favor 14 to 3.."

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I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

I went on a date with a lovely woman and everything was going smoothly.

She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."

"Me too," I replied.

She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."

I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."

A man went to the doctor because he felt sick and tired because he couldn't stop telling airport jokes.

He found out it was terminal

Went to Blockbuster and asked if I could rent Batman Forever.

The best they could do was 3 days.

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I sco...

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".

The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".

The wife continued, "We didn...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

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A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.

He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman.”

This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. T...

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

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I went outside the pub last night for a cigarette.

I got talking to a guy in a wheelchair, he said,

"Why do you smoke when you don't have to?"

I looked at him and asked, "Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?"

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

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I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.

He just applied a dressing and sent me home.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water...

...however if you sponsor Jack and Jill for just $2 a month, we can build a well with clean water right in their village.

Did you hear about the unprofitable chain of comedy clubs that went public through an IPO?

It has now become the laughing stock.

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descart...

A snail went to the police station

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged

When he got to the front desk he said

“ excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises “”

The officer said

“ can you describe the incident “

The snail said

“ no officer sorry , ...

I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.

It was shear and udder panic.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

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