Went Jokes - 118 Hilarious Went Jokes

Two chemists went to dinner together

After they ordered, one of them told the waiter: "A cup of H2O, please."

Another chemist told the waiter: "H2O, too."

He gulped down his drink and then he died.

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One day, Hitler went to a fortune teller.

He asked her, "when will I die?"

She replied "You will die on a day that is a Jewish holiday."

stunned, he asked "What? How come?"

and she said "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday."

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for ?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

So I went on r/news today..

[removed]

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A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

I just went on a date with a dentist receptionist, it went quite well

We've arranged a second date for August 24th 2024 at 7:15pm.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

I went to the Reddit restaurant

All of its servers were busy...

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: .

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

I went to the store to buy some condoms

Cashier asked me if I needed a bag, I said " nah, ill just turn off the lights"

A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How ab...

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi...

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

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A couple, both age 27, went to a therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have ?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have ," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.

-

three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.

-

The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought i...

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

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I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday.

He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse, and I said no but I once told a donkey to off.

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" h...

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

T...

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” sai...

I went to a Psychic

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: "Who is it?"

So I left.

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke

God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny

Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now both of them have condom balloons :D

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

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A and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: " off, you won't bring it back"

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

S...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

EDIT: Added the beginning of the joke in here because somehow the name is Donald Trump now. What the happened?!?!?

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

[OC] I went shopping with my wife yesterday....

She looked at lipsticks for over 30 minutes but she didn't buy any

She tried 20 kinds of perfumes but none of them were good enough

She tested 10 different kinds of mascaras but she didn't like any of them

She read the labels of all the blushes just to finally walk out empty han...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your !” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

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I went into a shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date, and apparently it was OK

But then we saw Oxygen getting together with Magnesium, and we were like, OMg Oxygen is cheating on Potassium! That is *not* OK!

But then when Nitrogen started flirting, Oxygen said NO.

My wife complained about the fireworks that went on until midnight on the 3rd, I told her it was just a little fourth-play.

This just happened and she looked over and told me it was the first actually funny thing I had said in a couple of years so I thought I would post it. I'm sure someone somewhere has said this before but damnit let me relish in this moment.

Bonus, before that the last funny thing I said w...

A young boy went to church with his mother

Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"

After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"

The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. A...

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.

2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.

After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

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I went for a job interview last week

The guy asked me what my biggest weakness is. I said I'm too honest.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

I said "I don't give a what you think"

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

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I went to the doctor today and said

“Doctor, my hurts!” He said
“Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” I said
“Right around the entrance!” He replied
“My advice is that as long as you call that the entrance, it’s gonna hurt.”

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"...
and flew out the window.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Little Johnny went to confession.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out he...

I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.

They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.

I went for the job interview and the interviewer said they are looking for somebody who is responsible....

I said 'I'm your guy!'

They asked why...

'Well at my old job if something went wrong, something went missing or somebody got hurt, they always said I was responsible'

I went to the paint store to get thinner

It didn't work

My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

I went on a trip to Chernobyl last week

It was rad

I went to a Cannibal wedding yesterday.

It was all going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and the Groom.

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I went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes.

put me on Xanax!

A man went to a restaurant

He told the waitress "Can I have a bowl of chili?"

The waitress said "I'm very sorry but that man at the bar just got the last bowl."

The man saw the other customer sitting and noticed that the chili bowl was still full. He sat next to the other man and said "Excuse me but it's been ...

I went on a date with an Italian.

We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995.

When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"

Then my sister left.

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

I went to a sad wedding

Even the cake was in tiers.

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