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Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

I went to see a psychiatrist today..

Told me I had a split personalty and charged me $80 for the diagnosis. I gave him $40 and told him to get the rest from the other guy,

I went to the store to get 6 cans of sprite

It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up

A guy went to a barber’s shop for a shave...

The barber asked him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks.


He asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”


He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"

He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"

There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.

"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands....

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

Yesterday, I went for blood donation.

But they didn't let me though. Asking too many questions..
"Where did you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in the bucket?"

A man went to his doctor

After several tests, the doctor returned to the exam room and told him "I'm terribly sorry sir but according to our tests you have barely a year left to live."

"That's horrible!" said the man. "Is there nothing I can do?!"


The doctor replied "Well, my advice is to become a vegan...

I went to the shop today and picked up a loaf of bread, a pint of milk and a newspaper, I went to pay and said “I’m sorry but I only have a £50 note”.

She said “ok well you’ll have to just put one of them back then”.

Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future

The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"

So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?"

I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."

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A woman went into a pet shop

to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog i...

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

Two rednecks went out duck hunting

After several hours one said to the other "Hey man; this sucks! How come we aint gettin' any ducks?"

And the second said "I 'unno man, maybe we aint throwin' the dog high enough!"

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box,

so I wrote ‘Free Tibet.’

I went to a psychic…

I knocked on her front door
She yelled “who is it?”
So I left

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

AITA: I went to an orgy last night as a dominatrix and accidentally hooked up with someone else's submissive.

Oops wrong sub

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"

And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

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Yesterday i went to a party

I met a really hot girl and we immediately hit it off.
After some time we began kissing in another room

She asked me: " 20$ for a blowjob?"
I replied: "sure"

Should have seen my face when she pulled out 20$

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A guy went to a doctor about getting a penile implant.

When speaking with the doctor, he said "You have come to the right place.  We have a new procedure, that has worked very well for several of my patients.  We implant part of an elephant's trunk into your penis.  I expect you'll enjoy it once the operation is complete.

Although the man was a l...

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

In geometry class, the teacher went up to the board and drew a 23 degree angle.



She then drew a 67 degree angle. The class was astonished when the angles started talking! The first one said "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing." and the second one chimed in "And I love what you've done with your hair."

The students asked the teacher if she knew what was going...

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

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A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

A premature ejaulator went to a dinner party.

He didn't know what to wear, so he just came in his pants

A man went into the church for a confession

Man: 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

Priest: 'What do you mean, almost?

Man: 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped!'

Priest: 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend at the bar, but the lights suddenly went out.

So I took a shot in the dark.

A tourist went to Egypt and took a taxi to the hotel ..

While in the way, they encountered a red light at cross road junction, which the driver didn't stop for. The tourist said " Why didn't you stop?", To which the driver answered " Relax, I'm a professional and i know what i'm doing". The same thing happened again, the tourist asked the same question a...

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver.

Turned a few heads.

I went to the pharmacy to get some condoms

Pharmacist: You want a bag?

Me: No thanks, she isn’t that ugly

The doctor walked out of the hospital room and went to the nurse station.



"Can you tell me why the two patients in room 231 are in the same bed?", he asked.

"Certainly! One has a fever and the other has frostbite and I thought they might cancel each other out." the nurse replied.

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

I went to visit a friend at the hospital and the only parking spot was at the C section.

I had to climb out of the car through the sunroof.

I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film.

It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.

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I went to Japan recently, and did not see a single ninja there.

Impressive!

I went online to order Oreos and the website errored

My VPN was rejecting cookies.

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

Karen went to Bethlehem

She demanded to see the manger.

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

Went to visit some temples in Cambodia, but unfortunately fell and broke my neck.

Now I don't look back in Angkor.

A chef went to a dentist

He'd recently had a new plate implanted and felt some pain in the area.

Upon examination, the dentist stated "the acrylic is starting to deteriorate. Tell me, have you been eating a lot of Hollandaise sauce?"

"Yes," said the chef "it's a favorite. Is that bad?"

"Well," explain...

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

A girl went to confession.

Girl: I think I am pregnant.

Priest: How did this happen my child?

Girl: I think it might have been the second coming.

Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming?

Girl: Because I swallowed the first one father.

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I went to Wendy’s and ordered two large fries

The asshole served me hundred tiny ones

I went to a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night..

I went to grab a chair but they were already taken.

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went to meet my girlfirend's grandma

Due to my girlfriend's insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.

Gf's Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.

Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?

Gf's Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
<...

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

Bart went into a bar and died.

He met the Bartender

About 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad….

…and he left me there with my mom.

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

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Patient went to the doctor

Patient: Doctor, the entrance to my butthole really hurts and I don’t know why

Doctor: Well, it’s because you’re calling it an entrance

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

A robot went on a crime spree in our neighbourhood right before it ran out of battery.

The cops are refusing to charge the perpetrator.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”,

and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”

Man went to the butchers and asked if he had any ox tales

‘Sure’ replied the butcher ‘once upon a time an ox…’

Sorry messed up title should read ‘ox tails’ whoops

In the end I went to the port along with everyone else.

I gave in to pier pressure.

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I went to France.

I visited Paris and Marseille. Not Nice.

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

A blonde went to buy new shoes

The shopkeeper told her the new shoes may feel a bit uncomfortable in the first couple of days.

She said : Alright I'll start wearing them on the third day.

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

I went to the doctor to get a physical so I could enroll in gymnastics.

They said they wouldn’t serve me because I had “outstanding balance”. Just one look at me and they knew I was ready, no checkup needed!

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Before I went to sleep last night.

I put my phone under my pillow.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

I went to the movies and there was a man who brought his dog into the theater with him.

After the movie, I went up to the man and I said "Hey this might sound weird, but it seemed like your dog was really enjoying the movie." The man said "Yeah, I'm suprised too, because he *hated* the book!"

Elise heard her little brother sniffling in the next room, so she went over and asked him what was wrong.

“I’m just having a bit of a cry sis,” he said.

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.

So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician went hunting

After a good, long while, they found a deer.

The physicist lifted his rifle, took aim, fired, and hit three feet to the left of the animal.

The biologist fired too, and sent the bullet three feet to the right of the deer.

The statistician lifted his rifle triumphantly in the air...

I went to a zoo the other day, but all the cages were empty apart from one that just had a little dog in it

It was a shih tzu

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I went to a restaurant with my wife.

A Waitress approached a Man sitting at the table.

Waitress: Are you ready to order sir?

Man: Yes.

Waitress: What about your Wife?

Man: She has popped to the bathroom.

Waitress: Do you know what she is having?

Man: Well it's been 10 minutes, so probably a shi...

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…

nothing was alphabetized!

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

Did you hear about the sith lord who went shopping?

He went to the Maul. Everything was half off.

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.

I used to hate chiropractors until I went to see one for my back

Now I stand corrected

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...

\- but I couldn't find any.

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction

I went into a Coffeehouse in Scotland

And asked the guy in the counter:
"Hey, can I please get a large Latte with Oat milk?"

Dazed and confused, he looked at me and said: "Sir, am sorry, we cannae make a Latte withoot milk..."

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

I went into the Auto Parts store

I said:

"I want a new gas cap for my AMC Gremlin."

The owner said:

"Sounds like a fair trade."

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**

I went on the vodka diet recently.

I lost three days in one week.

A woman went to her doctor

She complained of hearing loss and digestive issues.

After a cursory examination, the doctor found something very unusual.

"Ma'am, you're NOT going deaf in your left ear. You, uh... appear to have a suppository stuck in there."

The woman paused for a moment and then yelled "Wel...

I went to the shops today

And bought . 1 ready meal; 1 banana; 1 onion and 1 can of coke. As the lady was checking the items she look at me and said: “Are you single”? I replied:”yes, how do you know because of all the single item’s “?
She said:”no, it’s because your really, really ugly”.

I went to a psychic, and at the end of session realized she wasn’t legit.

She let me write her a check.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order

Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I’m scared.

I went to a protest for trees the other day.

I saw a sign that said Bark Lives Matter.

A man went to the doctor’s office for a complete physical.

After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse “Give me a hand and help me turn him ...

Ole and Lars went skydiving

Ole jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. His parachute opened, and he started his gentle descent.

Lars jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled his emergency cord. Nothing happened.

Ole watched Lars plummet past him, and started undoing...

I went on a date with an Italian.

We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.

I went on a camping trip to try to save the dolphins.

It was a waste of time for all in tents and porpoises.

I went to a store that sells door locks for little people.

Low key, it was pretty nice.

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My wife is such an idiot

My wife is such an idiot.She went on a business trip yesterday and took a whole pack of condoms with her.

She doesn't even have a penis.

A friend of mine invited me over for a threesome with a girl.

I was hesitant at first but eventually agreed. So I went over to his place and we got started. I just couldn't get into it. A half hour in, I started wondering when the girl is going to show up.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I went to a snooker store recently but walked straight out

you should have seen the queues

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Superman went to a Halloween party

Someone was dressed as a Bitcoin.

Someone dressed as a Dogecoin.

Someone else dressed asEthereum.

Superman was pissed.

He didn't realize it was gonna be a Crypto night.

Keith Richards went to the hospital for a checkup today and the results were shocking.

They found blood in his drugstream.

What did the 7 dwarves sing as they went into the brothel?

"Hi Ho, Hi Ho"

After which they hear the response from inside - "It's off to work we go"

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

Jason Voorhees went out with a lot of women during the pandemic

Back then everyone had a masked man date

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

Abraham Lincoln went to see a play without bringing the Secret Service

He never heard the end of it

I went to the pet shop to buy a new fish

“Aquarium?” The staff member asked

“I don’t care what star sign it is” I said

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

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Went to visit the Doctor.

Me: Doctor I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

Patras Bukhari was a very well known Urdu humor writer. He was very witty. Once he was asked: "Have you ever been speechless?" He replied: "Yes. Once I went to the market to get my wrist-watch repaired.

I saw shop with a lot of clocks, so I asked the shopkeeper to repair my wrist-watch.

The shopkeeper said, "Sir, we do not repair watches".

I asked him, "What do you do then?"

Shopkeeper replied: "We do circumcisions".

I asked him: "Then why have you hung so many clocks in...

I went to the Museum of Miniature Wind Turbines last night.

Not a big fan.

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

I went to a nudist restaurant once.

Food was good but I didn't like the dressing.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said...

Waiter, waiter...there's soup in my fly!

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

I went to the liquor store on a bike once

I bought a bottle of an expensive scotch, but I was worried I would tip over on my bike on my way home, and break the bottle. So instead, I drank the entire bottle before I got on the bike. Turned out to be a very good decision, as I tipped over at least 10 times on my way home.

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"... and flew out the window

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

When I was a kid, I once stayed up all night to see where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

Did you hear about the man who went out for some exercise and ended up robbing a Chinese restaurant?

Police say he told his wife he was just going to take a wok.

What did the weed sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johhny went to sleep and woke up in heaven

He awoke before the Pearly Gates...

St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Johnny"...

Johnny was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...

St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

I went to the doctor's the other day for a prostate exam...

He gave me the thumbs up!

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

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Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall, when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom... When she opened the door, she found her daughter scantily clad on the bed with a vibrator.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I’m 35 and still...

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

Did you hear about the exorcist who went to Domino's?

Apparently the pizza dough had the Mark of The Yeast.

A photon went on holiday.

When checking in at the airport...

Check In agent. "Do you have any luggage sir?"

Photon. "No, I'm travelling light"

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

Did you hear about the guy who went to Ikea trying to pick up women?

He wanted a one nightstand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor to see about penis enlargement.

He turned out to be a shrink.

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

I went into the pet shop and I said "I'd like to buy a wasp"

The shopkeeper said "We don't sell wasps"

I said "But you've got one in the window"

When Chuck Norris went to his first driving lesson

He got in the car and said “Ok. This is lesson number 1.”

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