A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

I hate these double standards. When a singer says “touch my body” it’s okay...

...but when I say it I’m “Not allowed back in Disney World”

My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

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A young man walks into a bar and orders 3 doubles of cheap vodka and downs them immediately

“What are you celebrating?” Asks the bartender
“My first blowjob”
“Congratulations! How about another on the house?” Offers the excited bartender
“No thanks, if three won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

So girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...

So he gives it to her.

A woman goes into a bar and orders a double entendra.

So the barman gives her one.

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Double standards are disgusting and they should no longer exist

I have a female friend who slept with a bunch of dudes and now everybody says she is a slut.

One of my buddies did the same thing a couple of years ago and now everybody says he is gay.

I was once told I looked like an actor enough to be his stunt double.

The actor was Danny DeVito.

[NSFW] Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said with a Wispa.

‘I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts’ he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped hi...

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Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.

The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"

The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death wi...

What do you call a double-amputee Irish elf?

Leg O'Las

What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"





P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

Classic Giggle (I will forever double check before I send an email)

**After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.**

**Unfo...

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

A woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I would like a double entendres.”

So he gave it to her.

A math teacher was lecturing his students about double negatives and positives. He explained that a negative and a negative make a positive and that a positive and negative always make a negative. He also stated that two positives will never make a negative.

A student shouted sarcastically “Yeah, right!”

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Double standards: if a man sleep with alot of women he is a stud but if a woman does it,

she is a lesbian

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Sportsman's Double

You may be familiar with the term "Sportsman's Double".

Good-looking college guy walks into a nice bar, and there's a very attractive, middle-aged woman sitting at the bar by herself. She could be 45 0r 50, but still really sexy. Guy says, "Man, I have to at least try. Could be fun."
...

The first double Helium molecule should be named after Michael Jackson

HeHe

You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Don’t use double negatives.

They’re a big no no.

40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus

The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"

Two blondes walk onto a double decker bus

This one's a classic I heard years ago from my grandma and I still enjoy hearing and telling.

So two blondes are traveling in London together and decide to get onto a double decker bus to reach their next stop. However, the bus is so crowded that one of the friends has to sit on the bottom of...

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

What’s the difference between a double D lobster and a 50 year old bus depot?

...One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean

What happens when you drink 2 5-Hour Energies? Do you get double the energy for 5 hours or 10 hours of energy?

You get a heart attack

Why should you never use double negatives in English?

Because they're just a no-no.

Double negatives are positives

Ain't nothin' right about that.

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So many double standards between men and women nowadays.

When women have sex with men a lot,they get called whores. When I do it I get called gay

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window an...

What do you get when a soviet paraplegic chases an American double-amputee?

An arms race.

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

double standards...

When a woman removes polish with a few chemicals no one bats an eye, But when Hitler tries to remove the polish everyone freaks out?

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

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A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife...

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My wife and I had to take jobs as double-ended dildo testers.

Just trying to make our ends meet.

You get three wishes, but what ever you get you mother in-law gets double.

So you agree to these terms and start, first you wish for $10B, so your mother in-law gets $20B, you say okay and choose a mansion on the beach, she gets two, then for your final wish you think hard, Ah! Perfect, I’d like someone to beat me half to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

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A tired nurse just finished a double shift.

After 24 straight hours of work she finally gets to go home. As she’s driving she passes a bank. Realizing she has to cash a cheque and it shouldn’t wait she hesitantly turns around and heads back. After waiting in line she finally gets to the teller. She begins to sign the cheque. Nothing. She trie...

How do you double Yugo's value?

Just fill the tank.

I heard that, while a double negative makes a positive, a double positive doesn't make a negative...

Yeah right.

A woman gets on a double decker bus.

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.

The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says “bit airy up there ma’am”

To which she replies, “what’d you expect, feathers?”

I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek

But I had to take a year off to find myself.

I saw an ad for a double entendre contest

So i entered my sister

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