Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:

“Make me one with everything.”

The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands i...

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What do you call a morgue that doubles as a porn set?

A creamatorium.

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

What is a double date called in Alabama?

A family reunion.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?

Fill up its gas tank.

Following his collapse on set of Better Call Saul, doctors recommend a double-bypass surgery for Bob Odenkirk

Oh, good news. The deal went through. It’s a triple-bypass now.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

What do you call food from a brothel that doubles as a restaurant?

Ho-made

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I really hate double standards

When a girl buys a dildo, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, he's called a pervert?

My step-sister asked me for an example of a double entendre...

So I gave it to her.

A desperate zoo

The leading zoologist gets a phone call one day from a desperate zoo, asking him to come right away and they will pay double.

He gets to the zoo and talks to the head keeper who explains that unfortunately while they were moving the animals around it seems like one of the zebra’s has got preg...

What do you call a lube that doubles as a laxative?

Easy Come, Easy Go

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

Imagine if jesus had been born a Siamese twin...

...it would have been the perfect double cross!

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Did you hear about the Vietnamese brothers who became table tennis doubles champions?

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

In honor of the Braves' victory, Lets remember Mel Famey, a pitcher for the old Milwaukee Braves.

It was the last game of the season and all the other relief pitchers had been used for a double header, and Mel had driven to the park with his car full of cans of a product Milwaukee had become known for. Truth be told, he was pretty nervous before the game, because he knew he would be called on ...

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

Healthcare in the US is expensive!

This double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!

Do you know what they call double penetration in 2021?

A Johnson & Johnson injection

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

Moore’s law states that the density of transistors doubles every two years.

This is usually done by making them smaller.

Therefore, less is Moore’s

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An Old prospector was coming back from town with his mule.

An Old prospector was coming back from town and he was leading his pack mule loaded with supplies down a winding valley road. A young gunslinger was riding his horse on the mountain Crest watching the old timer. He thought to himself I'm going to go down there and mess with that old man.
The youn...

A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks. “A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.

As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”

“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”



The bartender thinks it over for a ...

Sportsmans Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a m...

You try

Spell the word 'cow' in 13 letters – a question asked in a competitive exam Intellectuals went mad analyzing it. Highly-reputed professors were stumped thinking what could be the answer. Lecturers debated that the question itself was wrong, maybe there was a printing mistake, etc. Toppers were confu...

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Good puns are like double sided dildos.

They work both ways, but you need someone else to really enjoy it.

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A Great Gambler

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

The Streetcleaners Union is petitioning to double the width of their brooms.

They're demanding broad sweeping reform.

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich?

2 chicks together isn't really their thing.

Swaggering Kid

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

My First Girlfriend's Dad Was a Real Tough Guy

The first time I met him he said, "Whatever you do my baby girl, I do double back to you."

So I had her peg me.

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Why did the quantum physicist participate in sexual threesomes?

Because he was interested in investigating entanglement and running double slit experiments.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

What’s the best thing about going to a veterinarian that doubles as a taxidermist?

Either way, you get your dog back

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The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

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Two women are playing golf...

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed towards a group of men.

It hit one of the men and he immediately doubled over in pain clutching his groin. The women rushed over and began apologizing vehemently.

The man said, still in pain, said it was ok and told th...

You know what I say to all aspiring actors?

Double Cheeseburger with Fries please.

I told the bartender I wanted a double...

...and he brought out a guy that looks just like me.

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

Why does a sensible man not order a double bourbon?

Because it's two whisky.

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

A woman goes into a bar, and asks the barman for a double entendre

So he gives her one.

A guy meets a pretty hot women in her 50s

She starts chatting him up and then she says you want to have sportsmen double

He asks what is a sportsmen double

She tells him oh its a mother a daughter 3some

He thinks oh well she is hot bet her daughter is super hot

So they go home to her house and she goes Mom you ...

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I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

My wife said she wanted a double entendre for Christmas

So I gave it to her.

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A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

EDD doubled their workforce to handle rising jobless claims

Now they can hang up on you in half the time.

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

The local morgue doubles up as a comedy club at night.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

Jesus was really bad at threatening people...

He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.

A Roman walks into a bar

... and orders a martinus.

The bartender asks, "You mean a martini?"

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

Double amputee goes missing from local hospital

"Well, it's not like he could have grown legs and walked off", alleges trauma specialist.

A man finds an oil lamp and dusts it.

A gini comes out and says that he get three wishes but his husband gets double. His first wish is 1 000 000 000 us$ so his husband gets 2 000 000 000 us$. His second wish is to be the most charismatic person in the whole country, his husband becomes the most charismatic person of the world. His thir...

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Double Positives

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega...

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

Abortion is like a double edged sword for me

I like the ides of killing babies but I don't like the idea of giving women a choice

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

What did Patrick Stump say to the double arm amputee?

I AM AN ARMMSS DEALER

I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio

So I entered my sister

I tried quitting overusing double entendres,

but it's so hard....

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

I thought getting a double limb amputation would be all right

But now I have nothing left.
Sleep deprived me has a very low bar for comedy.

There once was a double bass player who always had problems with timing. Over time it got him so desperate and frustrated that he...

...threw himself behind a train

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A Man Walks Into A Bar

The bar is on the 22nd floor of a tall high rise. He walks up to the bar and sits down next to a guy who is very drunk. After the bartender gets him a drink, the drunk turns to him and says, "Hey buddy, see that open window over there?"

The man looks and sees one of the large windows standing...

Person with a double neck is

A multi-layered person.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

What do you call Nicholas Cage after a double mastectomy?

Nipple-less Cage

Double checking

Peter escaped the Mental Hospital and then calls....



P: Hello is there anybody on Room 168?

Nurse: Upon checking, there's no one in there, why do you ask?

P: Just making sure I've escaped :D

The man who invented the double entendre died last week.

His wife's taking it hard.

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

[OC] How did the Mexican doctor double a patient's medicine?

He gave him a dosage

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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

I asked the barman "bring me a double"

He came back with a guy that looks just like me.

(Rodney Dangerfield)

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

I Always Eat Double the meat than the Usual

to ensure that the one vegan out there who thinks is making a difference isn't making one at all!

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