I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

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I hate double standards.

When a girl sleeps with 5 guys she’s a slut. But when I do I’m gay

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

A math teacher was lecturing his students about double negatives and positives. He explained that a negative and a negative make a positive and that a positive and negative always make a negative. He also stated that two positives will never make a negative.

A student shouted sarcastically “Yeah, right!”

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

​

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

Don’t use double negatives.

They’re a big no no.

Two blondes walk onto a double decker bus

This one's a classic I heard years ago from my grandma and I still enjoy hearing and telling.

So two blondes are traveling in London together and decide to get onto a double decker bus to reach their next stop. However, the bus is so crowded that one of the friends has to sit on the bottom of...

Why should you never use double negatives in English?

Because they're just a no-no.

40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus

The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"

What’s the difference between a double D lobster and a 50 year old bus depot?

...One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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So many double standards between men and women nowadays.

When women have sex with men a lot,they get called whores. When I do it I get called gay

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

double standards...

When a woman removes polish with a few chemicals no one bats an eye, But when Hitler tries to remove the polish everyone freaks out?

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window an...

Double negatives are positives

Ain't nothin' right about that.

In Scotland, they are so mean with money that every home has double glazing installed.

So their kids can't hear the ice cream van

What do you get when a soviet paraplegic chases an American double-amputee?

An arms race.

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A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife...

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

My friend says a double negative can make a positive, but a double positive can never make a negative.

Yeah, right.

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My wife and I had to take jobs as double-ended dildo testers.

Just trying to make our ends meet.

You get three wishes, but what ever you get you mother in-law gets double.

So you agree to these terms and start, first you wish for $10B, so your mother in-law gets $20B, you say okay and choose a mansion on the beach, she gets two, then for your final wish you think hard, Ah! Perfect, I’d like someone to beat me half to death.

A good looking young woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre

So he gives it to her

How do you double Yugo's value?

Just fill the tank.

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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

A woman gets on a double decker bus.

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.

The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says “bit airy up there ma’am”

To which she replies, “what’d you expect, feathers?”

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I'm so tired of double standards.

When women have sex with a bunch of guys they're "empowering themselves" or "owning their sexuality".

Meanwhile, if I do the same thing I'm "just some gay guy".

I was double majoring in cloning and hide-and-seek

But I had to take a year off to find myself.

I saw an ad for a double entendre contest

So i entered my sister

Two r/wooosher's are whooshing each other over a double entendre. Who gets it?

Their wives get it

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Okay people I'm really getting sick and tired of these double standards, if a girl sleeps with 10 guys she's automatically a "slut". Yet somehow if a guy does it

he's "gay"

A girl walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.

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Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.

Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out...

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his han...

What's the fastest way to double your money?

Fold it in half

^^....I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

A pun, a play on words, and a double entendre walk into a bar...

No joke.