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Turned Out Jokes

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up...

I waited in a really long line that turned out to be fake.

It was a giant faux queue.

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heehee my wife told me last night if I turned out the light I could put it in her butt….

I should have let the bulb cool down first.

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...

My monthly delivery of Katie Perry's eggs turned out to just be something else again

I guess it's never really ova...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your c...

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

This morning I was on the way to work, but I wasn’t paying attention and ended up rear ending another car. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He looked at me and said “I’m not happy.”

I replied “Well, which one are you then?”

A husband wanted to surprise his wife on their anniversary by putting a little bow tie on his manhood, but got worried she wouldn't notice it after she turned out the lights.

She found it touching.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer.

I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.

My guacamole turned out blue instead of green :/

I accidentally bought Avatardos

I was devastated that my tag team wrestling partner turned out to be morbidly obese...

I say this with a heavy Hart.

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

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I was dating this girl but she turned out to be a nazi.

Nein/10

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN which turned out to be a catastrophe...

The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa most didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe most didn't know what "honest" meant.
<...

I thought I saw Liam Neeson on the street but it turned out it was just some girl....

It was a case of Miss Taken identity.

What did the Cherokee say when the Aztec turned out to be lying?

Inuit.

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Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

I dated a surgeon who turned out to be a kleptomaniac, she stole my heart..

... and kidney.

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

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My ex girlfriend turned out to be an internet pornstar sensation...

She's gonna be so annoyed when she finds out!



(Edit: duplicate word, messed up punchline.)

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

When I was young man I met a girl in Tennessee turned out she was a moonshiners daughter. That was a long time ago..

But I love her still.

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A friend once asked what I would do if my child turned out to be a flat-earther and I was dumbfounded

Still amazed that there are dumb nuts out there who think the planet is round and shit.

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

What would happen if the flat earthers turned out to be right?

We'd all be domed!

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