UPJOKE
midnightdaynoonafternoonhourmorningyesterdayfridaythursdaytuesdaymondayweekweekendwednesdaydusk

What do stoners call midday?

High noon.

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional...

A drunk stumbles into a confessional after a midday binge. The priest, hearing the commotion on the other side of the divider, assumes the man is having quite the crisis and patiently waits for him to sit down and begin.



After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

If you wake up at midday...

...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

He walks through the midday heat, an occasional shot clips through the trees overhead.

He and many men like him question their logic to sign up. They could be home, spending time with their families but instead they are outside, dehydrated, fighting a battle they probably won't win. Their frustration mounts as they realize it's nothing at all like all the games they played as kids. ...

A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.

Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.

They start at the lowest setting of 1% b...

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Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre was the most famous fighter pilot in all of France.
When he returned to the small village of his birth, he was received as a hero. All men wanted to be him and all women wanted to be with him.
In the busy market place he spotted a beautiful girl, grabbed her by the waste and whispered i...

I don't like funerals before midday.

I'm not a mourning person...

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A woman home alone gets a knock on the door at midday...

She opens the door to a man who says "Do you have a vagina?"
Outraged she slams the door.
The next day, again around noon there is a knock on the door. The same man is there and asks again "Do you have a vagina?"
"Pervert" she utters as she slams the door again.
Later that day she tells ...

What cuts four farts in the morning, two farts at midday, and three farts in the evening?

A sphinxter.

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say

‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The ...

2 men were lost in the desert

Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their throat were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.

Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.

Man 2: You go ahead and...

Very long.

First off, let me describe to you a little creature.

There lives in the forest a little guy known as a 'Twid'. A Twid resembles nothing so much as a Smurf on psychedelics. They have punked out hair, multi-colored skin, tattoos and piercings. Also, the sole reason for a Twid's existence on th...

Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but t...

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

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A woman goes in for a breast augmentation...

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman ...

God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)

It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.

The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...

“Sorry guys...

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A grandfather takes his grandson on a fishing trip.

It's about midday, and the grandfather reaches in the cooler and pulls out a beer. The boy looks over, excited, and says, "Well I say Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I have one?"

The Grandfather thinks for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?"

Bashful, an...

Terrible Math Joke

A plane takes off from Warsaw about midday with a full passenger load. Before take-off, the pilot himself had run through all of the safety and pre-flight checks and everything had fit the bill, so he felt pretty confident about this flight. The weather was perfect, the passengers were happy, but af...

Two men in a desert

Two men are wandering the desert. They've been there for days, and can't remember how they got there; the only thing in their minds right now is that they need water to survive another day in this scorching heat.

Midday passes, and the men are succumbing to despair - but wait, what's this? Th...

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War camel.

So a plane goes down in the Sahara in WW2.
The survivors are a lieutenant, a sergeant, a corporal and a private. They have a days rations and are many days out from the nearest town.

The looty sends the corporal to scout around for anything to help in their predicament. He returns with a...

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This is the sickest train joke I know. Be warned.

Bruce was meant to meet his friend in a bar at midday.
12:30pm, 1pm, then 1:30pm rolls around. Just as Bruce was about to give up, his friend finally strolls in with dishevelled hair and a smug grin, "Sorry I'm late mate, you won't believe what happened to me just then..."
"What?"
"Well, I...

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