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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

.

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the bitcoin crash won't be as bad as black friday

At least we don't have to worry about people who jump out of their basement windows.

A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “how would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or ...

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"...

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

A policeman pulled me over on Friday night.

"Excuse me mister, how do I get to the local zoo?" I asked, giggling.

He sighed and said, "I don't know. Do I look like a tour guide to you?"

Then he asked me to remove my sunglasses. Once I'd done that he shook his head.

"Jesus..." he frowned. "What drugs are you on?"

I ...

A girl visits her boyfriend on a Friday night

Girl: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Boy: Actually, it's a banana. They were on sale.

Girl: OK... is that another banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

Boy: It was a 2-for-1 sale.

Girl: Alright, fine... is that yet anothe...

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An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening:

"Dear Wife,

You have been a wonderful companion to me all these years. I can't believe that both of us are already 60! Time sure has flown by!

However, I am writing this letter to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I have a few needs that you have been unable to sa...

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Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening...

... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded J...

If you're going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate...

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights.



That's all!

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he'd sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

"Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were t...

Nothing ruins your Friday

Like finding out it’s only Thursday.

Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and rose on Easter.

What are the odds?!?!

What did roman soldier say on a Good Friday?

Nailed it!

What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?

Nun.

Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?

Of course. Why should that day be an exception?

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Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

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A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

Black Friday

It's Black Friday, and at the local Best Buy, people are lining up around the block. A well-dressed man comes to the front of the line and is beaten up by the people in the line. He tries again and is knocked down. He then mutters "if people will be like that, I'm not opening the store."

Happy Friday!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

At Friday night's services, Morris asks his friend Irving.

"I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sor...

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A man was headed into town to on a Friday night in his old pick up truck

He gets half-way to town and his truck begins making a banging noise and he pulls off to the side of the road to have a look. When he turns off the truck the noise slowly stops and he gets out to have a look.

The engine is hot, smoky and stinks like oil and gas and steam. At this point he ha...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

An italian pastry chef was injured at work this friday

We Cannoli hope he makes a full recovery.

I meet a bishop at Good Friday mass today, but I’m a little suspicious.

He wasn’t moving diagonally.

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Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

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An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

What do Catholic cows do on Fridays?

Chew their cod.

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

Happy Friday - Blonde Joke :)

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before...

I almost forgot what this Friday is (Good Friday).

My mom would be so disappointed... she’d crucify me.

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

Judas: Still on for friday?

"Jesus: friday?"

"Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper."

"Jesus: The what?"

"Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."

Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school

and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

Emo Phillips

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday?

You realize it’s Thursday.

My boss wants me to sign up for the company 401k this Friday…

…anyone have any tips for ramping up my distance running in 72 hours?

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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Little Johnny was in class one friday.....

The teacher said we'll play a game, whoever answers my questions correctly can leave early for the weekend. The first question was, who started a speech with "four score and seven years ago "? Several kids raised their hand and little Johnny was waving his hand frantically in the back of the class....

It was good Friday so Jesus went to get his nails done...

The lady doing his nails asked "what color do you want? Or how about a clear coat?"

Jesus replied "thanks, but really I just want the rust removed"

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

My mate asked what I wanted to do on Friday night

I asked if he was up for chicken strips and a drink
He replied “nah man, I don’t wanna see no naked chickens”

Some guys are where to go drinking on a Friday night...

One of them says, "I know of a great place. When you go there, they give you a free drink. And if you finish it, they give you another! And at the end of the night, you're pretty much guaranteed to hook up!"

"That sounds awesome," says his friends.

"Yeah. My sister told me about it!"

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It’s frustrating some people get off for Good Friday.

I haven’t had sex in months…

I was at an Italian restaurant last Friday...

Me: "I'll just have the Paggione".
Waitress: "That says 'page one', sir."

It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire.

Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones

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I’m going to the gym for leg day on Friday.

Then I have to be a pallbearer for my cousin on Saturday. This will be my first time trying to deadlift two days in a row.

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My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

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I’m holding a fundraiser on Friday for people who have trouble reaching orgasm….

If you can’t come, let me know.

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

What do millennial eskimos do Friday night with girls they like?

Net fish and chill.

If you think Friday is a sad day, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Tomorrow is Sadder Day.

What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"

Tried to go toilet shopping on Good Friday

solid waste of my time.

What did Monday say to Friday?

Between you and I, today is a good day to hump.

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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “...

I lost my left headphone on Friday night

At first I was upset, but now it’s all right…

No but seriously, that’s why I came up with this bad joke.

Every Friday is Good....

When you’re an Atheist.

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A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

You know who would never call today "Good Friday"?

Jesus.

I think it’s only fair the week after Black Friday be called White Friday

And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

So I went to a club on friday night...

So I went to the club near my road and the DJ started playing Jump Around so I started jumping around. Next the DJ played the Twist, so natuarally, I did the twist. Then the DJ played come on Eileene, I got kicked out.

Amazing BLACK FRIDAY deal:

Buy NOTHING and save up to 100% in EVERY STORE!

There's a Friday the 13th this December

A nightmare before Christmas some may say

I took my Biology exam last Friday

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

You've heard of Friday the 13th...

But what about the next day?
Pi Day the 14th: Irrational Fear

What would you do this Friday?

A beautiful girl at the gym approaches some very nice looking buff dude:

\- Hey, cutie! What will you do this Friday?

\- Chest and triceps.

A math joke my teacher told me on Friday

A: I don't understand why people use fractions, they are pointless.
B: I mean... I like them, but you gotta know where to draw the line or people will think that you're irrational.
A: I still don't see the point I using them.

I had to go to the doctor's today...

...and he asked me what he said were routine questions...

He asked, "Do you drink?"

I said I do.

He said, "Do you smoke?"

I said a little bit, mainly when I drink.

He leaned in and said, "And do you do drugs?"

I shamefully admitted that, well, yeah, I do....

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill

and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. Th...

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

Attention ladies "BLACK FRIDAY SALE"

My house.

You And Me...All Clothes 100% Off.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

A local hospital is offering Black Friday specials on circumcisions.

Up to 50% off.

Why does Jack dress business casual on Fridays?

He only has four suits.

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready t...

You shouldn't be superstitious about Friday the 13th

It brings bad luck.

What do lonely single ladies do on a Friday night?

Netflix and Jill.

I've saved an absolute fortune this Black Friday.

I stayed in.

It's Friday 13th...

Thank my lucky stars that I'm not superstitious

Today is Acausal Friday...

...for no apparent reason.

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One Friday morning, Akshit Singh lost his dear pet cat.

He frantically searched around the neighborhood, looking for his precious Bala. He tried to search under dumpsters, he asked his neighbors if they'd seen Bala wandering around recently, and he set cat food and water outside in hopes of attracting Bala back to his house.



Much to his d...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

Why do cops love going to Black Friday early?

So they can beat the crowd

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