This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday

All Fridays matter.

What kind of meat does a priest eat on a Friday?

Nun.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

Friday was a sad day.

The next day was a sadder day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"...

If you're going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate...

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

​

That's all!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

On a Friday, eve of their 5th year relationship birthday.

Her: Babe, what did you plan for us this evening?

Him: Well honey, do you like Paris?

Her: Yes!!!??

Him: Do you like Barcelona?

Her: Yes!!!!

Him: Nice, because there is PSG-Barca tonight on TV.

It's Dad Jokes Friday, so I'm putting a few up

Higgs Boson goes into a church. The priest says "you're not welcome here".

Higgs Boson says...

​

"You can't have mass without me".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the gluttonous homosexual nymphomaniac do on a Friday night?

He had five guys... and then he had Five Guys!

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I thought Friday was going to be the saddest day ever

But the next day was a Saturday

Why can you not break Prince Rupert's Drops Monday thru Friday?

Because you have to hit them on the weak end.

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

If Jesus was born on Christmas and was resurrected on Easter, what happened on Black Friday?

Sales at K-Mart

A Blonde Calls 911 on a Friday night

"Hello, what's your emergency? "

"My friend has been stabbed! "

"Okay, where are you? "

"Tchefuncte Street"

"Tche what? What street did you say? Can you spell it? "

"Uh... " afterwards the 911 operator heard panting and shuffling of feet for about 5 minutes
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

A string is walking home from work one Friday evening after a long week at work.

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks t...

I ordered a new dish washer on black friday.

- (insert generic Russian mail order bride joke here)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street on a Friday afternoon

When the brunette sees her boyfriend buying a dozen roses. She turns to the blonde and says, “Oh shit! That’s my boyfriend.”

The blonde says, “So?”

The brunette says, “So every time he buys me flowers he expects me to lie on my back with my legs in the air all weekend.”

The blon...

A Dublin man enters his local pub on a Friday night, takes a seat at the bar, and orders 3 pints of Guinness

He proceeds to take alternating sips from each glass until all 3 are empty, thanks the bartender, pays his tab, and leaves.

This practice continues week after week until one evening when the bartender, curious about the man’s weekly ritual, says, “Sir, you’re one of my regulars here. If you...

It’s Black Friday... do you like sales?

Because of you’re looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.

Old man and his new car

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear v...

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My Twin and I Were Born on Black Friday

My mom got a pretty shitty two-for-one deal.

Black Friday and I have a lot in common

It always comes too early once a year.

I find it very strange and coincidental that Jesus.

Was born on Christmas day and died on good Friday.

He always writes these things on Fridays...

My neighbors journal says I have “Boundary Issues”

Bought a new vacuum on black friday

It sucks

A man used to give $20 each Friday to a homeless woman on the way back home.

A few months passed then eventually, he started to give the woman $10 each week.

A year passed and now the man started to give the woman $5 each week.

Another year passed and now the man only gave 1$ ro the woman each week.

One day, the woman confronted the man to see what was g...

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,

“I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in the synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking ...

The worst part about Friday

Is realizing that it’s Monday

Toys R Us black friday deals suck this year, don't waste your time...

...travel equipment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On Friday I’m hosting a support group for men who can’t ejaculate.

Let me know if you can’t come!

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensiv...

I think it’s only fair the week after Black Friday be called White Friday

And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.

​

When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When sh...

Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

***Breaking News*** UPS and FedEx set to merge this Friday!

...They're going to call it: FedUp

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.” He didn’t catch my pun.

I’m not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

On Fridays I'm usually in bed by ten pm....

And home by midnight!

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift…

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift when his coworker called in sick. Friday nights were always busy at the restaurant and he was the only one working the kitchen. He decides to grab one of the busboys to help him cook for the night.

“Alright,” the chef says, “tonight is busy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

Every Friday night I go out dressed in a nun's clothes.

What can I say? It's a habit.

Every Friday night for years, two couples have met to play bridge

The husbands always team up against the wives. One Friday night, during a break in game play, the women head to the kitchen, leaving the guys at the card table.
“You know, Bob,” says Steve, “we’ve played bridge every Friday night for years, and every Friday night I have to help you remember whic...

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening...

... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded J...

A blue collared worker is on his way home from work Friday night when he finds a genie's lamp...

... and upon rubbing it discovers the genie within.

"I'm not your typical genie", the mystical being booms. "I only grant one wish, and the wish is specific to what what profession you would like to sample for your weekend off?"

The blue collared man is confused.

"Sample a pro...

What is a caveman's favourite thing to do on a Friday night?

Go clubbing.

It's Friday 13th...

Thank my lucky stars that I'm not superstitious

It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire.

Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones

"S-H-I-T"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
<...

Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. H...

Why do cops love going to Black Friday early?

So they can beat the crowd

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fred Johnson calls his boss one Friday morning. "I'm sick. I can't come into work..."

His boss gives him the day off, wishing him well. But after he hangs up the phone, he thinks, "Boy, he sounded rough. I better stop by and check on him. Johnson never misses work."

So he drives to the guy's house. He knocks but nobody answers. He gets worried that the guy might need medical a...

Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant.

She goes Mondays I go Fridays.

Why do Mormons get married on Black Friday?

Because they get 2 for 1.

Damn Amazon and their Black Friday deals

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies DVD instead!

I haven't touched alcohol since last Friday

I drink out of a tube since the accident

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

BMW

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue li...

Do you know why they call it Black Friday?

Everything is 3/5 the price!

A guy gets a new job and finds out that his project team plays golf together every Friday morning.

His co-worker says, "Can you join us this Friday?"

He says, "Yes, I'll be there for sure, but I might be ten minutes late."

Friday comes, and he shows up on time. He golfs left-handed, and he wins.

The next Thursday, the co-worker says, "Are you coming tomorrow?"

He says,...

All this Spending on Black Friday

Better make sure ya'll pay the electric bill first or next Friday will be Black Friday too

Trying to think of a hilarious Good Friday joke...

I really want to nail this.

[Long] Last Friday, I took a guest to a fancy restaurant.

I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"
He explained,
"The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. T...

Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the ...