My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday

I think he may be plotting something.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian

it was the least i could do for the poor fella

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pudding and Yesterday

Pudding and Yesterday had gotten into some real mischief and their mother laid into them, screaming and swearing she eventually sent them to their room.

After an hour Pudding says that he needs to poo really badly but he is afraid to go downstairs or their mother might start screaming again....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

I invented a new word yesterday.

I’m calling it “plagiarism”.

Yesterday, I ate a clock

It was very time-consuming.

Especially when I went back for seconds.

I was at the bank yesterday, and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance...

Spent the night in jail for elder abuse for pushing her down.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

I watched a fly get drunk yesterday.

I saw it land in my wife's tea and I didn't say anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in on my doctor yesterday because I had found deep inside between my buttocks a full-stop and also a comma just below it.

He took one look, paused for a moment, and then referred me for a semi-colonoscopy.

I was in the bar yesterday...

when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.


The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.


I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I...

Yesterday my friend bought a dog and a cat!

Today they named the dog Curiosity

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

A man came into the butcher shop yesterday and asked if we serve soft Italian sausage…

‘N do ya?

Yeah that’s the one.

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

This morning when I started work, my boss called me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?!”

I said, “No, not particularly.”

I had $100 on a horse yesterday.

He came home at 20 to 1.


Unfortunately, all the other horses came home at 12:30.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday i called my teacher "dad"

Probably one of the most akward things i did during sex

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it’s really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it’ll hurt.

I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really...

I had a blast working there.

I got kicked out of my local Mime troupe yesterday. They didn't like me too much...

I guess it was something I said.

I went to see my atheist doctor yesterday

He gave me an apostate check

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge'

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring...

The doctor said I'll be okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tales $10".

I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me yesterday

I was like, “what the Hellman?!”

Yesterday I broke my hourglass

It took forever to clean up and I was only able to save about half the sand. All in all it was a waste of time.

Yesterday I was in the zoo with my 7 year old son

As we walked by the tiger enclosure, I told him how dangerous it is.

He looked up at me asked, “dad, if the tiger where to get out and eat you...”

Preparing to comfort him I waited patiently.

“Which bus should I take to get home again?”

It was the first anniversary of my relationship with my girlfriend yesterday.

Being the sort of person I am, I arranged for a fancy car to arrive outside at 7pm sharp, a lovely meal at a fine restaurant and a walk by the moonlit pier followed by a night of wine and intense passion.

Ever the nit-picker, I awoke to an earful from my girlfriend because as usual there’s o...

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Chicago yesterday?

Oh don't worry, he woke up

I heard a terrible joke about a deaf person yesterday.

They didn't though.

I punched a mailman yesterday.

He said I had a small package.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I learnt that I have a real problem with heroine addiction.

I have to have sex with a woman admired for her courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities...

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldo...

I went to get tested for Covid yesterday

The staff asked me, if I had experienced a sudden lack of taste.
I replied, "no, I dress like this for a while now"

I couldn't come to school yesterday and appearantly there was a school shooting

I'm so lucky, I hate having my picture taken

I went out to buy a camouflage t-shirt yesterday,

But I couldn't find any.

Did you hear about the blonde that was killed while ice fishing yesterday?

She was hit by a zamboni...

My son puked all over the bar on his 18th yesterday

But then again, 18 shots of tequila are pretty much for a 7 year old.

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My wife and I tried oral sex yesterday

I asked her if she wanted to have sex.

She said me, fuck you.

My boss came into the store yesterday

I was working alone and there were at least 5 people in there. That is when my boss walked in, clearly in a bad mood. He walked right up to me and said, "You're fired!" I couldn't believe it, and in the middle of a rush. I immediately paused Netflix and asked, "Why?"

Was feeling a little down yesterday Reddit family

So to pick myself up, I thought back to my tire collection from days gone by.

They were good years...

Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...

They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.

I think I missed Mike ache day.

The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Went to the fair yesterday and my wife fainted on the ferris wheel!

Don't worry, she's slowly coming around.

I got mugged yesterday by a gang of six dwarves.

Not Happy.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review.

They feel I'm borderline incompetent.

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family.

Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties.

My first use of stripto currency.

During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

I went on a blind date yesterday.

She seemed like a nice girl at first. Since I’m a big animal lover I really appreciated her bringing her dog.

But I just can’t see myself with someone who wears sunglasses indoors, that’s just rude...

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

My store got blown up yesterday

Business is boomin'

Yesterday I went to the doctor

And he told me I was overweight. I said I wanted a second opinion; he said I was ugly too.

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring

I don’t know how I feel about it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother-in-law is a cop. Yesterday he told me that the only way he'd let someone out of a DUI is if they'd give him a blowjob.

I said, "Hey asshole! You're *married* to my *sister!*


"Just give me the DUI..."


-Anthony Jeselnik

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather was complaining yesterday: “your generation is so fragile with your participation awards”...

says the guy who lost the war and still wears medals

My mom made me a bowl of soup yesterday

Still trying to figure out how to return to my human form.

Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home.

I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

I tried to catch fog yesterday..

Mist.

Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best

I won.

I had the worst day of my life yesterday.

My friend told me that it could be worse and that I could be stuck in a hole filled with water somewhere.

It’s ok, I know he means well.

I made a chicken salad yesterday

"was it any good?"

I don't think so, he only ate the croutons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the arrest for child pornography yesterday, at least Josh Duggar will be remembered for 19 kids and counting...

For the tv show he made in the past, and coincidentally the number of videos found so far on his hard drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist and I had a breakthrough yesterday,

Now he can hear the voices too!

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...

It was nice to come across old faces again!

There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.

The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.

The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The third guy goes ...

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning

Being a sniper is awesome!

Yesterday I went for an eye test. I failed the test.

I didn't see that coming.

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar.....

....and today the beggar gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected...

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

I bought A LOT of classical music yesterday...

...I went on a Chopin spree!

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

I told my boss yesterday I have a wee cough

Boss: You have a wee cough?

Me: Thanks boss! See you next week!

Yesterday as I walked into a store, a clown held the door open for me...

I thought it was a nice jester.

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

I had to go to the doctors' yesterday, because every time I 69 the wife I get a terrible headache after a couple of minutes.

He suggested we do it lying down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....



A gentleman approached the lady and said .....

"Ma'am, ....

I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....



The lady replied, ......

"Sir, if ...

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

A meth addict tried boxing for the first time yesterday.

He got hooked.

So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday...

...so abusive relationships do work

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

Yesterday I got stuck in a hall of mirrors

It was a day of reflection

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

I'm not rich but yesterday i donated my Phone, Wallet, and my watch to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness that i felt as i saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” He said

“That’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there” I replied.

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please,...

Yesterday I saw...

Went to the drugstore to purchase some asprin. I saw a short irishman and he had a giant steering wheel in his pants. I said, "What the hell is that a steering wheel?"

He said, "Ooooooweee and its driving me nuts."

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched my first porn yesterday

Damn i was young

I ran 3 miles yesterday

Eventually I just said “here keep your purse”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.

Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scarabble letters on the road.

I asked him "what's the word on the street?"

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

Yesterday, I walked into a bar

it hurt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief counselor died yesterday.

He was so good, I don't give a shit!

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with an Asian girl yesterday

Or as I like to call it, busting out the fine china

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys hear that Lorena Bobbitt got into a car accident yesterday?

Some dick cut her off.

I went to go dontate blood yesterday...

...but the phlebotomist said they could not take my blood because there was a Type-O on my donor card.

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is CONCERNING!

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is concerning!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or...

Yesterday I saw a man about to jump

I said to him "Don't do it"

He responded with "You don't understand I lost my job a few days ago and because of it now everyone hates me"

I said "Don't say such horrible things, We'd hate you even if you were still president"

I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday.

Luckily I was on the bottom step.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday when I got home from work I pointed my wife's hair dryer at my balls and turned it on. My wife asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I replied, "Warming up your dinner."

Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had just started a new diet.

Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."

Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"

My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Went golfing yesterday...

My game is terrible. I’ll never be able to beat Tiger Woods...

But I can out-drive him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK

Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

Yesterday, my wife finally told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.

Yesterday, 4 women asked me out

I went in the wrong restroom

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.