My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar.....

....and today the beggar gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected...

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Yesterday as I walked into a store, a clown held the door open for me...

I thought it was a nice jester.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

Yesterday,

I watched women's beach volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine..

Yesterday I saw...

Went to the drugstore to purchase some asprin. I saw a short irishman and he had a giant steering wheel in his pants. I said, "What the hell is that a steering wheel?"

He said, "Ooooooweee and its driving me nuts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...

It was nice to come across old faces again!

I just got a vaccine yesterday so

My youngest son said good. Now I can find you on where’s my dad. We laughed but I told him not to let his brother try it.

I told my boss yesterday I have a wee cough

Boss: You have a wee cough?

Me: Thanks boss! See you next week!

I'm not rich but yesterday i donated my Phone, Wallet, and my watch to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness that i felt as i saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do for him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief counselor died yesterday.

He was so good, I don't give a shit!

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

Yesterday I went out to catch some fog

I mist

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

I bought A LOT of classical music yesterday...

...I went on a Chopin spree!

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

I went to buy some camouflage pants yesterday.

But I couldn't find any.

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” He said

“That’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there” I replied.

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please,...

Yesterday, I walked into a bar

it hurt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday when I got home from work I pointed my wife's hair dryer at my balls and turned it on. My wife asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I replied, "Warming up your dinner."

Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had just started a new diet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched my first porn yesterday

Damn i was young

Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9

The odds were not in my favor

So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday...

...so abusive relationships do work

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is CONCERNING!

Friends, it happened yesterday! And this is concerning!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or...

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with an Asian girl yesterday

Or as I like to call it, busting out the fine china

Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."

Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"

My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"

Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires

Turns out, I’m colorblind

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

There was a fight yesterday, with 2 and 8 on one side, and 4 and 6 on another.

It was an even battlefield.

Yesterday I saw a man about to jump

I said to him "Don't do it"

He responded with "You don't understand I lost my job a few days ago and because of it now everyone hates me"

I said "Don't say such horrible things, We'd hate you even if you were still president"

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

Yesterday I was walking,

and I was wondering why everyone always told me to look both ways before crossing a street. And then it hit me.

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

I was at the gym yesterday, and I asked the Personal Trainer if they could teach me how to do the splits. 'How flexible are you?' they asked...

...I said 'well, I can do any day apart from Tuesdays and Fridays'.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

yesterday I found a broken skunk

it was out of odor.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went to a marriage counselor yesterday.

The counselor said,” Let’s start this session on a positive note with things you have in common. Who wants to go first?”
I said,” I will.“

Counselor ask, “Ok name something you two have in common.”

I said , “Neither one of us SUCK Dick”

I ran 3 miles yesterday

Eventually I just said “here keep your purse”

Got a pet rock yesterday...

...I told him to roll over

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 6 minutes.

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

I walked into the store yesterday...

I should probably stop looking down at my phone.

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather overheard me say I was tripping balls yesterday

He responded “I tripped over my balls yesterday too.”

I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard'

Makes Sense....
They caused lots of destruction,
Was full of snowflakes,
And a whole lot of White.

Yesterday, 4 women asked me out

I went in the wrong restroom

My friend got crushed in IKEA yesterday when a Billy Bookcase fell on his head. He said he can't sue though.

It was shelf inflicted.

Went I got home yesterday I found my wife on the kitchen floor with her best girlfriend lying on top of her, both naked, with flat pasta and tomato sauce all over them.

"what is this?"I asked

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like a lez on ya!"

The hypnotist show I saw yesterday was incredibly boring.

I can't even remember a single thing!

My brother told me this yesterday: "I take a BMW back from school everyday"

"Huh?"

"Well, first I take the **bus** , then I take the **MRT** and finally I walk"

^(Not sure if y'all find this funny just wanted to share :>)

Top news stories for yesterday

CNN: Trump phone call

MSNBC: Trump phone call

Fox news: Does walking a dog make you happier?

A bunch of chickens stormed the Capitol building yesterday

It was a chicken coup

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle.

It turns out it was right

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift.

He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'

Yesterday i ate my first apple

Would not recommend, it tastes like metal and plastic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the toilet at 11:59 p.m. yesterday, and the clock struck midnight.

I thought, “Same shit. Different year.”

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

My sister in law got the covid vaccine yesterday.

Her 5g reception has never been better

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

Yesterday, I looked in the fridge and figured I had enough milk to last to the end of the year.

Today, I'm not so sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people have said that those who participated in the insurrection yesterday at the U.S. Capital should be thrown into a deep, dark hole.

But I believe they mean well.

Yesterday, my wife finally told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ate a bad burrito yesterday and went to bed early, woke up to use the bathroom and heard fireworks. Looked at the time and it was midnight.

What a shitty way to start the New Year. (True story)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my boyfriend asked me to do anal

You should have seen his face when I pulled out my strap-on.

Took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning..

Being a sniper is awesome sometimes

My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas.

I said, you're kidding me.

I wrote a new song while I was taking my socks off yesterday...

It's called the "Toe Jam"

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Started NNN yesterday!

Edit: Today*

Edit: Tomorrow*

Did you hear about the fight that broke out on the train yesterday?

It all started when the conductor punched a ticket, and it only went more off the rails from there!

I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday.

Lucky it was a soft drink

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

I achieved my personal best in the 100 metres yesterday...

74 metres.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry...

Those were some crazy mood swings.

Friend- Why were you sad yesterday?

Me- My wife yesterday purchased a dress of 500 dollars.

Friend- Then why are you happy today?

Me- My wife is meeting your wife wearing that same dress today.

Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently they were mad at me for saying “Get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in.

Yesterday was a terrible day for COVID-19.

It contracted Trump.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"

weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

Yesterday i finally found love!!

It was on page 469 in the dictionary!

Yesterday I started singing and dancing by myself at the food court

That's how I learned that flash mobs are planned ahead of time.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday

She over heard me talking about Cassandra going down on me twice in one day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday.

I'm expecting a long sentence.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

I went to the local clinic yesterday.

Me: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself,

The nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: I understand Sir but this is a sperm bank,

it doesn't work that way here.......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So fucking proud of myself! Yesterday I wore something from 20 years ago, and it fit!

What a great scarf!

My son's pet frog broke his leg yesterday

He was very unhoppy...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

I went to the pawn shop yesterday to raise some funds to pay some bills.

They gave me $4500 and never even took the gun!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with my boss yesterday

It felt weird, but he said he'd give me a 10% raise. I guess that's just how it is in a family business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) My 10 year old told me this yesterday. What is Moby Dicks dad named?

Papa Boner

Yesterday, a policeman knocked at my the door.

He asked if he could come in. I answered: „No, I’m sorry. We‘re already ten people, the government doesn’t allow more at the time.”

My girlfriend got hit by a bus yesterday

And I thought to myself, that could've been me!

Then I remembered that I can't drive a bus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband tells wife:"There's a rumour in town that a guy with a 10 inch schlong died yesterday!"

Wfe:" Oh no!!! Not Joey!"

I lost my mood ring yesterday

I don't know how I feel about that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife overheard me having phone sex yesterday. She stormed into the room demanding answers

I told her it wasn’t anyone she knew but it was SiriOS.

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

Yesterday, a man comes into a store, buys a newspaper

He looks at the headline and throws it in the trash.

Today, same deal. Buys newspaper, throws it away. The man behind the counter asks for the reason.

"I'm looking for a death notice"

"Shouldn't you be looking in the obituaries, then?"

"The one I'm looking for will make t...

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday

They say it's because I took a day off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won the lottery yesterday.

I ran into my house and yelled to my wife “PACK YOUR BAGS, I WON THE LOTTERY!” She screams “OMG, should I pack for warm or cold weather?????” I yelled back “ I DONT CARE, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT”

After a long illness, my father passed away yesterday in Las Vegas.

He’s in a bettor place.

I walked past the YMCA yesterday

There was a teenage boy outside stroking some feathers.

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down".

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait...

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?'

To which she replied, "yeah but i'm late for work."

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she respo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

yesterday, my son broke 40% of a glass

ass

Yesterday, I've started reading a book about immortal dog

It was impossible to put down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a blind girl yesterday

She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.”

I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

I lent an umbrella to a girl yesterday.

Now I have made a total of -1 girls wet.

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