[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

My wife outdid me yesterday.

I asked her to hand me a rag to clean some food on the floor and she threw it at me. I caught it.

Wife: Nice catch, babe!

Me: Thanks.

Wife: I was talking about me!

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

I brought my MP3 player to school yesterday, but bullies broke it. Luckily, today is my birthday and my parents got me an MP4 player, but the bullies broke it again

Tomorrow, i'll bring an MP5

Yesterday I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

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I got fired yesterday when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently, nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you’re allowed to do with the patients

My girlfriend started to accuse me of cheating yesterday

And now she's just starting to sound like my wife

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way h...

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.

It was the least I could have done for him.

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

I lent an umbrella to girl yesterday.

It makes the total number of girls I have made wet this year to -1.

I went to the old peoples retirement home yesterday. I wish I hadn't because this happened. One of the old grandpas was watching the news and said to me 'ooh, I'd like to go to Area 51'

I said, you're already there.
He didn't laugh, and asked me for some money for the bus to get to Area 51.
He looked at me dead in the eye and said "all I need is tree fiddy".

A hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said, "What would you like to see?"

I said you pick, she said you pick.

I said IDC you pick.

She replied, "Sir, there are other people behind you to buy tickets."

I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

My Dog kept running around backwards yesterday.

My God! You should have seen him!

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks Grandpa!"

"Why did you call me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

Somebody stole my brother's antidepressants yesterday

I hope they're happy

I asked a emo girl out yesterday but got turned down.

She's probably just waiting for her prince harming.

My friends invited me to barbecue night yesterday. I said no but now I'm regretting it.

That was a missed steak.

Yesterday my friend told me I “ often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I was fired from a keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

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I went to the zoo yesterday but the only animal they had was a dog

It was a shit-zhu

I got seriously rear-ended in traffic yesterday

Thank god i wasnt in my car

Yesterday I was drawing a new 18+ pokémon

My mom walked in and asked me what the hell I was drawing. I said "Oh, it's Nutting".

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

My neighbour came round to see me at 2AM yesterday,

It was lucky I was up playing the bagpipes

A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

My yoga instructor was really drunk yesterday...

...which put me in an awkward position.

Yesterday I got in touch with my inner self

That’s the last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

Yesterday I went

to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Yesterday, my brother did 100m quicker than Usain Bolt.

No-one said it had to be horizontal rather than vertical.

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

I tried to catch Fog yesterday...

Mist.

Yesterday I was working on the farm when I saw a bunch of chickens just strutting around...

It was like poultry in motion.

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

I felt a bit sick yesterday, so I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Given your symptoms, you have Tom Jones disease.

Me: Is that rare?

Doctor: "It's not unusual".

I saw the most interesting thing yesterday..

I was walking outside and I saw 2 rats eating a DVD for whatever reason. I stopped and started to watch closely when suddenly one of the rats stops, looks at the other and says “You know Steve, I enjoyed the book more.”

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

I Was Pulled Over Yesterday

The cop approached my car, said "Papers please." I said "Scissors" and drove off

I went to the space restaurant yesterday

Their food was out of this world

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the

Spanish Ink Quiz Session

I burned 2000 calories yesterday

I left the brownies in the oven too long.

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

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After the abortion ban in Alabama yesterday, my girlfriend is too scared to even have sex with me

Too bad my other sister isn't helping out either.

I sat on my Turkish friend yesterday.

Now he's an Ottoman.

The police were called to a sperm bank yesterday, after the receptionist was reportedly shot in the face

They arrived to a sticky hostage situation

I bought my friend an elephant for his room yesterday

He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”

I spent the whole yesterday making a belt out of watches,

It was a complete waist of time.

My local music shop was closed yesterday with a sign on the door...

It said “Gone Chopin, be back in a minuet.”

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

I went to Florida yesterday and a cop asked me if I have a criminal record.

I said no, Is that still required?

I took a Milk Bath yesterday

I asked my wife to fill the tub. She said "Sure, you want it pasteurized?"

I replied "No, just up to my chest."

I was watching Jurassic Park yesterday when I thought.....

"not only does my son have a stupid name, he's also a terrible driver".

Yesterday I stepped on a corn flake.

Now I am a sereal killer

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I had a pregnancy scare yesterday..

I Scared the shit out of some pregnant lady.

I was in a bank yesterday.

A grandma asked me to check her balance.


I pushed her.

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday.

I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I did...

Yesterday i said I would write two jokes

jokes jokes




Jk anti vaxers and flat Earth people

So UPS lost yesterday's Dreamhack trophy...

That's what happens when you call your company "Oops".

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

Yesterday Reddit, Hulu and Xbox live was down

Must have been a boring day for the staff at BuzzFeed. They couldn't play Call of Duty and insult each other, watch cartoons or even copy and paste more stories for their website.

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Yesterday my school held a seminar on how to orgasm

Nobody came

Yesterday I went to the Polish embassy.....

It was really shiny

Today when I got into work, my boss stormed up to me and said "Did you miss work yesterday?"

I said, "No, not particularly"

Yesterday, I called a local radio station to request "I'm Free" by The Rolling Stones. However, they played a song of the same title by The Who.

You can't always get what you want.

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My boss told me to work hard yesterday.

So this morning I took a viagra and have been working hard for almost four hours.

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An I.C.E agent was chasing a Latino through a parking lot yesterday,

And I turned up the radio and sang at the top of my lungs to encourage his freedom run,

"Jesus take the wheel!"

The bastard took the next part too seriously.

I witnessed an attempted murder yesterday.

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

TIL that yesterday was National Missing Children's Day.

Parents of reddit, what are you doing with all of your new found freedom?

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A blind porn star died yesterday from being hit in the head by a glass dildo

She didnt see it cumming

There was a car accident involving a funeral procession, yesterday. One person dead.

Luckily it was a fender-bender and no one was hurt.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

Breaking :A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon.

A spokesperson for the police said.. We held him for a while and then let him go..

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

What's the name of the restaurant You went to yesterday where they had very good Indian bread?

That's naan of your business!

A mechanic from my neighborhood was arrested yesterday for selling drugs.

I was his client for 5 years and I didn't know he was a mechanic.

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

Unfortunately my grandpa died yesterday of Parkinson's

He left us a note on his phone, unfortunately we haven't been able to crack it yet. It said 999911111111111.

I was in psychology class yesterday...

and we couldn't stop laughing at how stupid Pavlov's dogs were.

Then the bell rang and we all had lunch

I dropped my toothpaste yesterday.

I was crestfallen.

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Yesterday I had sex with twins.

I'm now a doppelbanger.

Yesterday i escaped from Iraq. Method?

Iran.

My boy asked me what the pictures from space were yesterday.

I told him they're black holes, son.

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I went to visit my mum yesterday and noticed her cat wasn't around.

"Where's old Ginger?" I asked.

"He's gone to Pussy Heaven" she sniffed.

"Wow!" I said, "I was there last night, I didn't know he was a member."

I visited the doctors yesterday

Because I've had trouble with my hearing. I sat down in front of the doctor and he asked what the matter was. I explained I had trouble hearing the past few days, he asked if I could explain the symptoms. I said "Marge has blue hair and homers fat"

I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I was traveling through Paris yesterday, just seeing the sights...

And I think I dropped my mixtape somwhere. If you find it plz PM me.

A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

Me: But Mr. Ghost how did I hit you? Surely you're non-corporeal.

Ghost: That's Lance-corporeal to you private.

My wife left me yesterday, saying our relationship felt too much like work

I just wish she had given me two weeks of notice

I got fired from the rubber band factory yesterday...

My first thought was "Oh snap!"



(Again from my son)

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My Brother asked me yesterday if I wanted to go and help blind kids at the orphanage around the corner...

.... now those poor little bastards lost their parents AND their sight

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

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Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.

My scottish girlfriend told me a knock knock joke yesterday, it goes like:

-Knock Knock

+Who is it?

-Weirdo

+Weirdo who?

-We r done 'ere.

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