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Yesterday Jokes

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

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Yesterday, our mailman spotted me through the window masturbating.

I guess he's wondering now how I knew where he lives.

Walked by the YMCA yesterday

A teenage boy was sat there stroking a duck.
I said "young man, there's no need to feel down..."

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Did my first nude painting yesterday

The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

A guy threw mayo at me yesterday...

I was like what the HellMann!

[OC] I went shopping with my wife yesterday....

She looked at lipsticks for over 30 minutes but she didn't buy any

She tried 20 kinds of perfumes but none of them were good enough

She tested 10 different kinds of mascaras but she didn't like any of them

She read the labels of all the blushes just to finally walk out empty han...

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

Police arrested two kids yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.


They charged one, and let the other one off.

I ran into my ex yesterday...

then backed the car up to make sure.

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

Yesterday I accidentally crashed through the glass door of a French bakery.

I was….in a world of pain.

I popped into Waterstones yesterday and asked for a book on Turtles.

'Hardback?'

'Yes, with little legs and a head'.

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crow...

Yesterday, I drank a bottle of invisible ink.

I was in the hospital all night waiting to be seen

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I went to the doctor yesterday and he said I need to stop masturbating...

I was shocked to hear, I thought it was a perfectly healthy thing for a person to do so I was curious and had to ask "why?"

He said cause I'm trying to examine you.

My friend Susan identifies as a man and changed his name yesterday.

Susan be Anthony.

I caught a bus yesterday!

I need to to buy a new fishing rod…

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

My dad called me yesterday to say that he's returning from his trip to Australia.

The boomer rang

Yesterday, I went for blood donation.

But they didn't let me though. Asking too many questions..
"Where did you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in the bucket?"

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

I took my dog to the Vet yesterday because he ate a Scrabble tiles.

The Vet took an x-ray and said that his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

I got fired from my job yesterday for saying smoking or non smoking

But apparently the correct terms were cremation and burial

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

Yesterday I opened my electricity bill and water bill at the same time ….

I was shocked

My grandad died yesterday.

His final wish before he died was that his body be used by scientists to create a massive cloud of water vapour.

He will be mist.

I’ve trained to be a limo driver for half my life, but yesterday I lost my license

All that time wasted, with nothing to chauffeur it

I am trying to become a Canadian citizen and took the citizenship test yesterday.

The first question was “Who’s sorry now?”

I saw an ad yesterday that said “Radio for sale $1, volume is stuck on full blast.

I said to myself “well, I can’t turn that down.”

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I beat up a Nazi yesterday…

I’m… not allowed at the wax museum anymore.

While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.



I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

My drug test came negative yesterday.

My dealer, sure, has some explaining to do.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**

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Yesterday i went to a party

I met a really hot girl and we immediately hit it off.
After some time we began kissing in another room

She asked me: " 20$ for a blowjob?"
I replied: "sure"

Should have seen my face when she pulled out 20$

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Yesterday I slept for seven hours straight….

…..and for one hour gay.

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

I was gutted yesterday when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."


The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"


I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts

One of my buddies made a trans girl cry yesterday. So I angrily asked, "How could you..."

"... propose to her without telling me first?"

A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.

But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.

My pothead uncle accidentally cut himself yesterday while disposing of his old drinkware

It just goes to show you that people who live in stoned houses shouldn't throw glasses

Yesterday I was walking in the forest and I found a skull.

I called the police on my cell phone and they told me not to pick it up or move it. Well, I already had moved it, but I was scared to tell them that, so I picked it up carefully by one of the antlers and put it back exactly where I had found it.

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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Blonde Joke.

Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Blonde says don't be fucking stupid, have another go...

i told my girlfriend yesterday, she should learn to embrace her mistakes

she seemed very content, because she instantly hugged me.

The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday.

There were no survivors

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At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.



She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"

I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On an unrelated note, my mum needs a new garden hose.

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….

reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

I dropped 4 tabs of acid yesterday







>!So I picked them up!<

My Friend Brought his cousin over to my house yesterday

He said “my cousin takes Everything literally.” So I tried not to say anything to him so nothing bad would happen, a few minutes after that I had to go to the store so I left my friend and his cousin at my house. When I got back everything was gone, including the cousin, but my friend was still ther...

I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition yesterday.

Got to say….not a big fan.

Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer…

“I’m scared” I replied

“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

Pls don’t roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

Yesterday, I chose to only use binary.

Yesterday, I decided to stick to binary only, instead of the decimal system.
I went to the grocery store and I saw: "£10." I thought, "wow, that product is 101 times cheaper today!"

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.

While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it coul...

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My wife is such an idiot

My wife is such an idiot.She went on a business trip yesterday and took a whole pack of condoms with her.

She doesn't even have a penis.

I didn’t know what I was going to eat yesterday, until I opened the fridge

That’s when I saw the light

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

I was involved in a car crash last night.

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

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I mixed up my Adderall and Viagra yesterday...

I ended up having a really hard day at work.

Yesterday I encountered a woman with a very extravagant dress, flawless skin, and a really fancy purse.

I avoided her since I thought she would judge me by my appearance.

I congratulated my friend yesterday on his birthday

But then I realized I was a year too late

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

My girlfriend got braces yesterday…

Now my children are stuck behind bars…

yesterday on the street I saw 2 guys vaccinating themselves

It must have been their second shot because they looked woozy pretty soon afterwards

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant "What kills coronavirus"?

She replied "Ammonia cleaner"

I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here"

Lost my job at the bank yesterday ;(

Customer asked to check her balance... so I pushed her

Yesterday McDonald gave the wrong food to the wrong customer.

It was a Big Mcstake!

I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…

Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.


Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

Did i ever tell you the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes I did, I told you yesterday. You never listen to me.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: What’s the good news?

Doctor: the good news is you have 24 hours left to live.

Patient: What’s the bad news?

Doctor: The bad news is I should’ve told you that yesterday.

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

An Apple fan walks into a bar....

Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

at work yesterday

My boss told me to work the bread, then yelled at me.............. for loafing around.

This war in Ukraine has me on edge. Yesterday I thought I heard a Russian plane fly over my house.

It was just an Illyushin

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I went to the doctors yesterday.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

I went to the haemorrhoid clinic yesterday

It was really busy, standing room only.

Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: „Wasn‘t yesterday‘s power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in a lift for 4 hours!“

„Oh, you had it easy,“ said Tim. „I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!“

I was doing some research yesterday about the Dunning-Cougar effect.

It seems the more someone knows about a topic, the less likely they are to claim they know that much. Conversely, the less someone knows, the more likely they'll try to use that information to pick up an older woman in a bar.

"Yesterday I had a huge fight with my wife...

...she complained I always prefer watching football matches instead of talking to her"

"Oh I'm sorry... so how did it end up"?

"2-0"

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

My son was just born.

Another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... he said maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Yesterday i went to the store for oversized boardgames

I kind of wanted to shoplift something, but the risk was to big.

I was devastated when I got home from shopping yesterday to find the wife had left me.

I'd just bought a see-saw.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds yesterday.

I have to say, his mother sure overreacted.

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for the guy.

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The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Fat-Ass McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

My wifes mother called me yesterday and let me know im a good daddy.

It was very nice of her.... but we don't have children.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Honeymoon Sandwich

I work in customer service and yesterday an old guy called just to share a joke with me and make me smile.



What's a honeymoon sandwich?

Lettuce alone with no dressing!

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

I went to a haunted bakery yesterday

That place really gave me the crepes

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing...

,,,it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

I went to the zoo yesterday…

It only had one dog, it was a shih tzu.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

I bought my wife a pug dog yesterday...

Despite the bulging eyes, squashed face and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

I ate a clock yesterday.

It was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

I thought I saw an eye doctor in Alaska yesterday

But it was only an optical Aleutian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I met an old friend yesterday

He moved a couple of years back and I could clearly tell he had changed. His voice had changed and he had a cheap deodorant. He used to allways wear those expensive collones. We were talking for a good while, life in general and how we were doing, but the entire conversation I couldn't wrap my head ...

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Yesterday I was in the shower with my wife

I accidentally peed on her and now she’s pissed

The lawyer

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy cal...

I had gotten a coupon for 50% off an Arizona Ice Tea yesterday.

After I bought the can an opened it, I suddenly heard a bunch of beats and rap music coming out of the can. I was really confused at why my beverage was playing rap music at me, but then I realized why.

I had gotten 50 cent Ice T.

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?

It’s ok, he woke up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

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my son came to me and asked, dad whats a clitoris?

I answered:

Damn son you should have asked me that yesterday, it was on the tip of my tongue!

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently...

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