My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started playing COD Cold War yesterday and ended up playing online against a player called Hitler. He got so many kills but...

It was only because he was Kampfing.

I ran 3 miles yesterday

Eventually I just said “here keep your purse”

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

Such a nice jester!

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday

The virus is quarantined for two weeks

I tried to catch fog yesterday

Sadly, I mist

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning..

Being a sniper is awesome sometimes

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas.

I said, you're kidding me.

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do for the guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...

‟I need to nispect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”

I said, ‟Okay, but do not go into that field over there.....”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ‟Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant office...

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Yesterday, A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with their labeling gun...

Now, police are looking for a man and say there’s a price on his head.

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Yesterday, my wife finally told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry...

Those were some crazy mood swings.

Started NNN yesterday!

Edit: Today*

Edit: Tomorrow*

Yesterday I started singing and dancing by myself at the food court

That's how I learned that flash mobs are planned ahead of time.

I couldn't help, but ask my wife why she bought so much White Out yesterday.

Big mistake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my boyfriend asked me to do anal

You should have seen his face when I pulled out my strap-on.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

Friend- Why were you sad yesterday?

Me- My wife yesterday purchased a dress of 500 dollars.

Friend- Then why are you happy today?

Me- My wife is meeting your wife wearing that same dress today.

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Yesterday i finally found love!!

It was on page 469 in the dictionary!

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday

She over heard me talking about Cassandra going down on me twice in one day!

I achieved my personal best in the 100 metres yesterday...

74 metres.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday.

I'm expecting a long sentence.

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

I went to the local clinic yesterday.

Me: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself,

The nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: I understand Sir but this is a sperm bank,

it doesn't work that way here.......

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

Everything was OK, he was just having a mid-life crisis.

I went to the pawn shop yesterday to raise some funds to pay some bills.

They gave me $4500 and never even took the gun!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband tells wife:"There's a rumour in town that a guy with a 10 inch schlong died yesterday!"

Wfe:" Oh no!!! Not Joey!"

Yesterday was a terrible day for COVID-19.

It contracted Trump.

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife overheard me having phone sex yesterday. She stormed into the room demanding answers

I told her it wasn’t anyone she knew but it was SiriOS.

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I masturbated yesterday my cum hit the ceiling

Doesn't sound that impressive but I was in a church

My son's pet frog broke his leg yesterday

He was very unhoppy...

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So fucking proud of myself! Yesterday I wore something from 20 years ago, and it fit!

What a great scarf!

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

Yesterday, a policeman knocked at my the door.

He asked if he could come in. I answered: „No, I’m sorry. We‘re already ten people, the government doesn’t allow more at the time.”

After a long illness, my father passed away yesterday in Las Vegas.

He’s in a bettor place.

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently they were mad at me for saying “Get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in.

I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday.

Lucky it was a soft drink

My girlfriend got hit by a bus yesterday

And I thought to myself, that could've been me!

Then I remembered that I can't drive a bus

I walked past the YMCA yesterday

There was a teenage boy outside stroking some feathers.

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won the lottery yesterday.

I ran into my house and yelled to my wife “PACK YOUR BAGS, I WON THE LOTTERY!” She screams “OMG, should I pack for warm or cold weather?????” I yelled back “ I DONT CARE, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"

weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

Yesterday, a man comes into a store, buys a newspaper

He looks at the headline and throws it in the trash.

Today, same deal. Buys newspaper, throws it away. The man behind the counter asks for the reason.

"I'm looking for a death notice"

"Shouldn't you be looking in the obituaries, then?"

"The one I'm looking for will make t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with my boss yesterday

It felt weird, but he said he'd give me a 10% raise. I guess that's just how it is in a family business

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

I lost my mood ring yesterday

I don't know how I feel about that.

I called my stockbroker yesterday and told him to sell all my Nike. He asked me if I was sure.

I told him just do it. We had a good run.

I got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday.

Best trade I ever did.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any

The shop owner said that they had the best camouflage trousers ever. He must have been jeering at me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait...

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?'

To which she replied, "yeah but i'm late for work."

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she respo...

My neighbour's dog is oddly into BDSM. Yesterday he married a loudspeaker.

It was a subwoofer.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

I tried to make a reservation at the library yesterday, but couldn't...

Turns out, they're completely booked!

Yesterday I went in for my yearly dental exam.

I had forgotten my dentist had retired last year so I was a little surprised to see a new dentist waiting for me who, come to find out, had just graduated from dental school in russia. After exchanging greetings I sat down and he began his exam. As he was working I casually looked over at his wall d...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Yesterday I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I cleaned the attic with my kids yesterday.

Now I'm having trouble getting the cobwebs out of their hair.

yesterday, my son broke 40% of a glass

ass

Yesterday, I've started reading a book about immortal dog

It was impossible to put down

I lent an umbrella to a girl yesterday.

Now I have made a total of -1 girls wet.

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday

They say it's because I took a day off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom and I were in an argument yesterday.

Her: “you son of a bitch!”

Me: “you’re not wrong...”

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

Missed school yesterday

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the  teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."

"How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure your father could have done that."

"No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull...

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

Yesterday I farted in a lift.

It was wrong on so many levels.

Bumped into my old Chemistry teacher yesterday

...in fact I knocked him right over.

You should have seen his reaction.

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

I had a one-night stand with a clown yesterday.

It was a funny bone.

I visited the optometrist yesterday

It was an eye opening experience.

Yesterday I donated my phonr, watch, and wallet to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

What do you call the opposite of yesterday?

Noterday

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

Yesterday I went to bed and looked at the stars.

As I laid in my bed and looked at the sky, I thought to myself, "Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a blind girl yesterday

She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.”

I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had dinner in a Greek restaurant yesterday

Food was shit but the plates were smashing.

Some girl got her nipples pierced at the bar yesterday

I'm not very good at darts

[OC] I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I went to the zoo yesterday, but the only animal there was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

Yesterday I ate lunch at a sub place called James Jonathan’s

It was a little fancier than Jimmy John’s

I saw a stage production of "The Three Pigs" yesterday.

The pigs were pretty boaring, but the wolf really brought down the house.

My parrot died yesterday.

Its last words were " Darn, I think my parrot is going to die".

Yesterday i saw my neighbor talking with a cat and i thought that he was strange

After I came from work I told my dog about it
and we both laughed at it

Wife: How time passes, it's our 30th anniversary tomorrow, and it still feels like we got married yesterday.

Husband: Only the prisoner feels the slow passage of time, not the jailer.

So yesterday I put a ruler under my pillow before sleeping

I just wanted to know how long I sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

So I tried cat for the first time yesterday

Just kitten

I played golf yesterday, and saw a guy in a wheelchair on the course.

I asked him what his handicap was.

I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert.

I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

Yesterday I went to see a play about Abraham Lincoln

One of the actors literally killed it during the final act.

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Corona virus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

5 puppies were stolen from the pet store yesterday....

Police are warning people to look out for anyone selling hot dogs.

I was sad yesterday, and today seems like it's only going to get worse

It's Sadderday.

My girlfriend's gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.

I really don't know what else he wants to see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.

I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

I lost 13 pounds by walking yesterday

To you americans thats about $17

I bought a ceiling fan yesterday

Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

Yesterday my friend David lost his ID

Yea, we call him Dav now

So I’m at the dentist yesterday...

So I’m at the dentist yesterday, the dentist has a needle deep in my gums. As he’s concentrating, he casually says, “how are fat chicks and bricks alike?” I was like “au-ha-oa-iea” (his hand still in my mouth) He goes “welp, sooner or later their gonna get laid by a Mexican.”

True story.

Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station.

It was a terminal illness.

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange

Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.

He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"

The teller say "fluctuations"

The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Am...

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