Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a blind girl yesterday

She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.”

I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”

My girlfriend's gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.

I really don't know what else he wants to see.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

My obese parrot died yesterday.

I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for the guy.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “what’s the word on the street?”

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

My Girlfriend broke up with me yesterday,

so i took her wheelchair.

She came crawling back a few weeks later.

Yesterday I went to see a concert for 45 cents...

It was 50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was eating someone out yesterday when I thought "Hang on, can I taste horse cock?"

And then I thought to myself

"Oh Grandma, that must have been how you died!"

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

I think that cop had a great time yesterday

I overheard him say he was out all night clubbing

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I went to a Karaoke Bar that didn’t play any 70’s music yesterday.

At first I was afraid... I was petrified

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took me two hours to grill a chicken, yesterday

And the fucken thing still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road!

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

Yesterday, I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

A kids tells his mom “Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night”

The mother replies “Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out”

The kid thinks for a moment and says “I know why it isn’t working then, the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into ...

I would like to congratulate the astronauts that left Earth yesterday.

Good choice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying..

Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Yesterday i was laying in my bed, looking at the stars...

And I thought "huh, where'd the roof go?"

So my bakery restaurant burned down yesterday

My business is toast

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

Saw a woman on a bike yesterday.

As she cycled towards me I couldn't help myself and shouted at her.

"COW!"

She cycled on but turned her head to shout some abuse at me, effing and blinding for a solid twenty seconds, before riding in to the side of a cow.

I was only trying to help.

I didn’t like my hair yesterday

but now it’s kinda growing on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had so much fun yesterday, I fucked this girl cross eyed

I mean she was cross eyed before we had sex anyway but still.

My boss bought a new car yesterday

It was an incredibly expensive top of the range BMW and I said to him as I walked passed on my way into work; “Lovely car, Boss - things must be going well?”

He replied “Thanks and yes things are good, but you know, if you work hard and keep your head down, by this time next year, I could hav...

i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park

my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers

I put some batteries in my mouse yesterday

And now I’m banned from the pet store

Yesterday, I paid a random stranger to put their hands inside my mouth.

Y’know, the dentist?

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

Yesterday I accidentally gave my wife glue stick instead of Chapstick

She still isn’t talking to me

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.

Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

A psychic who has dwarfism escaped from prison yesterday.

He's a small medium at large.

He tried autocannibalism yesterday

Today, he shat himself.

My town organized a competition yesterday to find out who is the best contortionist.

My friend entered himself and won.

My friend David had his Id stolen yesterday..

Know we call him dav!

My Korean friend died yesterday

He was Sou Yung

Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow"

She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

My ex texted me yesterday

She sent me a picture of hew new bf saying he is her world

I said that’s your 5th world this month what are you building a solar system?

Yesterday I beat cancer

Poor bald kid didn't even see me coming!

I tried to catch fog yesterday

Mist

i had an outer body experience yesterday

i was beside myself

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I finished installing an electric fence around the perimeter of my house yesterday.

The neighbours are dead against it.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Yesterday, a local barber was busted for selling drugs

I cannot believe I was a regular customer for 3 years and I never knew he was a barber.

I watched a gif of a sloth for 5 minutes yesterday

Until I realized it was just an image

My reddish-brown Toyota minivan caught on fire yesterday

It’s a burnt burnt sienna Sienna.

If you had a Fried Egg for breakfast yesterday, what should you have today?

A Sattered Egg.

Every year on my birthday, I go to the track and see what I can do in the mile run. I'm proud to say that yesterday, at the age of 62, I set a new personal record!

Half a mile!

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

I was sat opposite a girl yesterday, for the life of me I couldn't remember her name.

I decided to just be honest and tell her, "I'm sorry but what was your name again".
"Jessica" she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls names" she added in a wry way.
"Only the ugly ones" I blurted out.
Anyway to cut a long story short I didn't get the job.

My friend always has the most ridiculous stories. Yesterday he called me and said he had his hand up a rabbit.

I said, "Get out of hare?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I told a leper a joke.

He laughed his ass off.

Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

My grandma called me yesterday

I guess you can say my boomerang

I posted a very good joke on this sub yesterday

But nobody reddit

Yesterday my wife pointed at the sky and said "Don't you think that looks exactly like Wonder Woman's plane"

But I didn't see it.

Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side.

It was quite a half-assed BBQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was masturbating yesterday, and came exactly at 12:00 AM

at the midnight stroke.

Yesterday, I watched a documentary on the history of the WD-40.

It was non friction.

Yesterday, I filled the Escort with diesel...

...she died.

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

Even though I've got sick every time I go to my local shawarma place, I still went back yesterday.

Now I falafel.

Yesterday, in a job interview, the guy asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said no, but, I would give Bohemian Rapsody a go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I found bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in my house

Now it's just Olive Oil

Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

Yesterday I went to the supermarket, had a stuffy nose when an old lady asked me:

“Are you sick?”

“No, it’s just cocaine”

She looked at me and replied:

“Thank god young men”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i did't like the massage therapist i met yesterday

she rubbed me the wrong way

My gun loving gf dumped yesterday

She didn't like my 9mm

Got told this yesterday

Doctor:I have some bad news and some really bad news

Patient:What’s the bad news?

Doctor:You only have 24 hours to live

Patient:And what’s the really bad news ?

Doctor:I forgot to tell you yesterday

A locksmith came round to my house yesterday

I asked him why he was working during quarantine. He said he was key worker

A pizza died yesterday

Apparently it topped itself

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got laid Yesterday.

His name was life and BOI did he Fuck me Hard.

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

I went into my bank yesterday. I was the only one not wearing a mask.

They thought I was robbing the place!

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle

I bought a bottle of Vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought it might fall off the bicycle and the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the vodka before I left the store.

It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off the bi...

I saw a black guy riding a bike yesterday...

Thought it was mine.
Then i checked the garage and it was still there chained up, asking for food

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this one from an Irish Veteran yesterday

Two nuns are getting changed in their room, as they undress they hear a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" The first nun asks, and the reply is:
"It's the blind man"
The first nun seems relieved and says
"oh sister it's ok, he's blind he won't see anything" and opens the door.
The bind...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

A man stopped me in the street yesterday

And asked "what grooming products do you use?"

"Haribo's and Facebook works every time" I said.

A homeless man called me ugly yesterday

I told him to get better jokes or go home

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

Edit: Sorry, sawing. English is not my native language.

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow

for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probabl...

I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with multiple personalities disorder

No you weren't

My house got TP'd yesterday

It's now been assessed at $875,000.

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

Took a shower with a vampire yesterday

It was a bloodbath

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home yesterday to find my roommate balls deep in the Planters guy.

I said "Are you fucking nuts".

He replied, "They're actually legumes".

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a support group for premature ejaculation yesterday.

I wasn't sure what to wear, so I came in my pants.

Yesterday five young hot ladies asked me out.

Turns out it was the ladies washroom.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon yesterday

I’ll let you know

I went to Burger King for dinner yesterday and the woman taking my order had a badge near her left breast that said Pat...

Long story short, I got banned from Burger King.

I watched two movies yesterday.

One was called Boomerang! and the other was Boomerang: The Return.

Did you hear about the guy that went panic buying at Costco yesterday?

He picked up a case of Corona.

Yesterday two guys with facemasks enter the bank I work at.

Thankfully it was just a regular robbery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday, I caught a disgusting pervert on the bus watching porn

over my shoulder.

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

Since yesterday I've been feeling a strong urge to take a world tour.

The symptoms of Coronavirus are probably kicking in.

Yesterday I got an Xbox for my little brother.

Best trade ever!

Yesterday a bought a pair if shoes from a drug dealer.

Don't know what he laced them with 'cause I've been tripping all day

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

A 15 year old boy was at the center of Cook County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him m...

What is the name of the Mexican man who lost his car yesterday ?

Carlos.

— So my wife left me yesterday. She said she was gonna move in with Simon, my best friend.

— Since when is Simon your best friend?
— Since yesterday.

I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

Yesterday I ran over three disabled kids and I call it a...

Cripple kill

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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