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Yesterday Jokes

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do for the guy.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the r...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

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My 8 year old niece told me this yesterday...

A man goes to the fish market and walks up to a stall. There is a young boy selling fish. The boy is shouting "BUY MY DAMN FISH!". The man says you can't say that! The boy responds. "What do you mean? I caught them at the dam. These are dam fish." The man says okay and buys some and brings them home...

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday, our mailman spotted me through the window masturbating.

I guess he's wondering now how I knew where he lives.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday.

He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse, and I said no but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday

Friend asks “Since when has Mike been your best friend?”

“Since yesterday.”

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.

But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

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Did my first nude painting yesterday

The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

"Honey, when did the plumber come yesterday?"

"Hmm he arrived at 10:00 so I would say around 10:08?“

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

My girlfriend got braces yesterday…

Now my children are stuck behind bars…

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell...

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….

reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

[OC] I went shopping with my wife yesterday....

She looked at lipsticks for over 30 minutes but she didn't buy any

She tried 20 kinds of perfumes but none of them were good enough

She tested 10 different kinds of mascaras but she didn't like any of them

She read the labels of all the blushes just to finally walk out empty han...

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."


The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"


I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

Yesterday my friend told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage...

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I can't find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it posted again :(

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

I browsed /r/jokes yesterday

Well I actually browsed it 5 years ago, but it's basically the same.

I was attacked by a gang of mimes yesterday...

They did unspeakable things to me...

Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday.

There were no survivors

I went to a Cannibal wedding yesterday.

It was all going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and the Groom.

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

I got fired from my job yesterday for saying smoking or non smoking

But apparently the correct terms were cremation and burial

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crow...

During a job interview yesterday I poured myself some water

into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" Said the interviewer.

"No" I said, "I always give 110%"

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts

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My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?

I said "No man, that would just make us even."

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

Edit: Sorry, sawing. English is not my native language.

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is...

Walked by the YMCA yesterday

A teenage boy was sat there stroking a duck.
I said "young man, there's no need to feel down..."

Millions of people celebrated thanksgiving yesterday.

The indigenous people however, have reservations.

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next...

I finished three books yesterday!

Boy that was a lot of colouring!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

I got my forklift licence yesterday.

Eating salad is gonna be way easier

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You guys hear that Lorena Bobbitt got into a car accident yesterday?

Some dick cut her off.

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps...

I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday.

It still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.

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Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday

But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

I bought a nice 12 year old scotch yesterday.

His parents weren't pleased.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

A guy threw mayo at me yesterday...

I was like what the HellMann!

One of my buddies made a trans girl cry yesterday. So I angrily asked, "How could you..."

"... propose to her without telling me first?"

I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition yesterday.

Got to say….not a big fan.

I was really heartbroken at my grandfather’s passing yesterday.

He can’t seem to throw the football as hard as he once did.

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

I made a salad yesterday.

It wasn't very good.

So I tossed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

My grandad died yesterday.

His final wish before he died was that his body be used by scientists to create a massive cloud of water vapour.

He will be mist.

I swallowed some food coloring yesterday

The doctor said I'd be fine, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it’s really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it’ll hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

A surprisingly good/funny knock knock joke I wrote yesterday.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town!

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town, Whooo

Oh no im too late!

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those "plane clothes cops."

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

I got hit in the head with a Diet Pepsi yesterday.

Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

I went to see my hot female doctor yesterday.

Pretty sure she flirted with me,

she said I have a cute appendicitis..

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Man 1: I heard you had an accident at the pottery studio yesterday. Did you spill glaze all over a woman?

Man 2: Glazed her? Damn near kilned her.

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my husband got slapped yesterday!

he walks into an elevator and sees a woman with huge breasts, and can’t stop staring. finally, she rolls her eyes, and says “could you please, just press 1?.” and he did!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I dissolved a Viagra in my mouth just to see what would happen. I didn't get an erection,...

...but I did tell a few people some hard truths.

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

I was in the bank yesterday...

And I could here trouble brewing between the teller and Korean woman in front of me, who was apparently trying to exchange won for dollars.

Said the customer, "How come yeh-today you give me one-hundred dollar and today only eighty?

Teller: "Fluctuations."

Customer: "Fluck you w...

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday, a blind woman told me I had a big penis.

I think she was pulling my leg.

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

My geometry teacher is really upset that her pet parrot died yesterday.

Polly gone.

Yesterday, I went for blood donation.

But they didn't let me though. Asking too many questions..
"Where did you get it? Whose blood is it? Why is it in the bucket?"

Yesterday my friend jumped into a river in Paris.

Insane.

Today he won’t accept he’s in a river in Egypt.

He’s clearly in denial.

My drug test came negative yesterday.

My dealer, sure, has some explaining to do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I beat up a Nazi yesterday…

I’m… not allowed at the wax museum anymore.

My friend Susan identifies as a man and changed his name yesterday.

Susan be Anthony.

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me


Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed


When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how...

Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"

weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

I was gutted yesterday when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

I tried to catch fog yesterday

But I mist.

A woman tells her friend: "Hey, yesterday I bought a toilet brush".

Her friend replied: "Alright, so?"

Her: Well I think its great invention, but I'd much rather use toilet paper.

A man in my town fell out of the third floor of a nightclub yesterday.

Unfortunately he wasn’t a bouncer.

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