This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room."

"Thanks Grandpa!"

"Why did you call me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

I was watching Jurassic Park yesterday when I thought.....

"not only does my son have a stupid name, he's also a terrible driver".

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

I was traveling through Paris yesterday, just seeing the sights...

And I think I dropped my mixtape somwhere. If you find it plz PM me.

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.

Yesterday i escaped from Iraq. Method?

Iran.

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

My boy asked me what the pictures from space were yesterday.

I told him they're black holes, son.

Yesterday I went

to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

My wife left me yesterday, saying our relationship felt too much like work

I just wish she had given me two weeks of notice

I got fired from the rubber band factory yesterday...

My first thought was "Oh snap!"

​

(Again from my son)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I had sex with twins.

I'm now a doppelbanger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Yesterday I was typing, and got a crumb in my keyboard

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

I sold a vacuum yesterday.

All it was doing was collecting dust

I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

I took my first course in 'How to be a sketch artist' only yesterday

And I'm already drawing large crowds.

I was on a date with this girl yesterday who said to me "Your like the strong silent type, I like that" Little does she know

I have autism

I got a new cat yesterday and have decided to name it Brexit

He always meows loudly to be let out but when I open the door, he refuses to go through it.

Yesterday my teacher asked me what comes after 69

Apparently mouthwash isnt the answer

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday...

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday while it was crossing the road, I tried to stop for it but I didn't have enough time, anyway while i was reflecting back on it today I came to a profound realization. I realized the true origins of a joke that has been going over my head for 26 years, ...

Some maniac broke my windows yesterday night.

What scares me is that he somehow got into my computer room.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl told me she loved me yesterday

So that was a fucking lie

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday

She's fine. But, the dog died

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday...

...I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

I tried renting a quiet room in a library yesterday

They said "sorry, we're booked"

I thought I saw Mitch McConnell coughing yesterday

Turns out it was just a partisan hack.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

I tried to catch fog yesterday..

Mist.

I buried my best friend yesterday

I have a feeling that would have been easier if he were dead.

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I woke up at the crack of Dawn yesterday

Told her to get her ass out of my face and get dressed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

I yelled at my coworker yesterday because he couldn't spare me any change.

Some people have no common cents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday at the office, I broke 6 ribs...

That asshole had it coming

I was at the store yesterday and I saw a lady drop her steak

I guess it became ground beef

Unbelievable!!! My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, so in revenge I stole her wheelchair...

Well, guess who came crawling back today...

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

My wife was so sweet yesterday, she opened the car door for me...

Unfortunately we were doing 70

Yesterday, i saw a frog without legs

that's hopless

In the supermarket yesterday, some bloke threw a pack of mild cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

I witnessed a great treachery yesterday.

It must have been at least 20 ravens.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.

And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:

'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''

The Japan goes forward and says:
...

Yesterday I had the longest deja vu....

I stayed 30 minutes in r/jokes.

Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person...

Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.

Yesterday I went into the woods to looks for sasquatchs but my Jean's were too tight

You have no idea how hard it is to sasquatch with you sack squashed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up yesterday.

...now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I was interviewed by the police yesterday.

I just said "No comment" to all their questions. They said they'd let me know but somehow I don't think I am going to get the job.

They told me I couldn’t bring my favourite Disney movie to class yesterday

But I showed them Up.

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday for getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.

But he still has the right to remain silent.

I came to a conclusion yesterday

I have a fetish for endings

5 years ago I asked a girl out on a date, she said no. Yesterday, I asked her to marry me.

She said no again, and told me to get out of her house.

I got a proctology exam from my doctor yesterday.

I really need to find a new dentist.

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.

As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”

Yesterday i ran over three disabled children

Cripple kill

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

The weirdest thing I saw yesterday was my nerdy Redditor friend getting in a bar fight with a clown.

It was virgin on the ridiculous.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried sharing a kebab with a homeless man yesterday

He told me to fuck off and buy my own

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

"Dad, I bumped into my ex yesterday."

"Son, I don't know anyone called Yesterday."

Went to the park yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.

Think I'm gonna need a flatter dog.

Teacher : Why didn't you come to the school yesterday?

Student : My dad is in the hospital

1 week later..

Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student : Yes, he is a doctor.

I learned Braille yesterday

It was so easy I could do it with my eyes closed

My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets!

Can’t believe gavisgon...

Old but gold.

After the blizzard yesterday I think I understand Republicans a little better

Because these snowflakes are killing me

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

Yesterday, I saw my girlfriend with another guy and couldn’t do anything

because I was with my wife.

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Yesterday I went dancing with a girl named Macy.

I guess she was dyslexic because she kept doing the YMCA

Yesterday evening i had fish for dinner,

When i was rudely asked to leave petsmart.

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

I was at the bank yesterday, when an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor was arrested yesterday when the cops found him hiding cocaine up his butt.

He was charged with possession of crack cocaine.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday...

Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible.

My gloves were stolen yesterday..

They fell into the wrong hands

Dick was arrested yesterday...

He was just hangin' out with some girls. He tried fitting in until the cops arrived. Poor thing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday

That makes the amount of girls I made wet this year -1

I went to the cardiologist yesterday

He asked me how I usually spend my days. I told him that I mostly look at pictures of puppies and kitties and think about volunteering at the local animal shelter. He said that I have a big heart. That made me feel really good about myself. Then he said, "Seriously, your heart is retaining water...

My friend got mugged yesterday

He had to call the cups

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I ate two pieces of string. Today they came out tied together.

I shit you knot.

I just saw Bumblebee yesterday and I have to say,

the difference in quality from it to the previous Transformers movies is Knight and Bay.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw some Little People marching for Sexual Health Awareness yesterday...

They were chanting “Stand Up for Blowjobs”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the hooker killed yesterday?

It was whoreable.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...

I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a doctor I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor yesterday and told him I was constipated.

He said, “Well no shit!”

Yesterday I was attacked in an alleyway by four mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the “bishop” came to our church yesterday.

He was a fucking imposter. Not **once** did he move diagonally.

I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday

It’s 10 feet long!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You...

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

Prince Philip at 97 crashed his car yesterday.

What the hell was he doing driving at 97 in a 30??

My friend died yesterday, we couldn’t find his blood type in time for the transfusion.

Even to the bitter end, he said “Be positive.”

I took my lad to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday.

Don’t worry, though—he woke up.

Yesterday my friend came out as a cross dresser by wearing a mini skirt to his office party.

That showed a lot of balls.

Yesterday I yelled at a telltale games shop

The cashier will remember that

Police arrested two kids yesterday

One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn't see any.

I lost my good mate Gav yesterday due to an overdose of heartburn tablets

I can't believe gavisgon.

Guess who I bumped into in the opticians yesterday?

Everybody!

It’s hardly surprising that 48 ‘no’s couldn’t stop Kavanaugh yesterday.

They didn’t stop him in 1982 either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I heard a knock at my door yesterday morning

I opened the door and got punched in the face by a giant cockroach

I went and told my doctor and he said

“ah yes I’ve heard there’s a nasty bug going round”

Yesterday i did a 114 with my girlfriend.

-Really, what is that?

-We were doing a 69, and then her husband came in and put his .45 up my ass.

I got arrested at the airport yesterday.

All I said was hi Jack, hi sis and bro
wassup.

The best time to start something new was yesterday, the second best time is right now

... unless it's procrastination, that can wait until tomorrow