UPJOKE
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I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition yesterday.

Got to say….not a big fan.

Yesterday, I bought a bottle of Whiskey and was on my way home on my motorcycle

Suddenly a thought occured to me; What if my motorcycle crashes? What would I drink once I get home?
So I stoopped right then, and gulped the entire bottle down, sitting beside the road.

I'll tell you, that was one of my smartest moves. I crashed 4 times before I reached home yesterday.

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

Lost my job at the bank yesterday ;(

Customer asked to check her balance... so I pushed her

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….

reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

yesterday on the street I saw 2 guys vaccinating themselves

It must have been their second shot because they looked woozy pretty soon afterwards

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My neighborhood prostitute died yesterday

Everyone here is having a hard time.

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I went to the doctors yesterday.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

at work yesterday

My boss told me to work the bread, then yelled at me.............. for loafing around.

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds yesterday.

I have to say, his mother sure overreacted.

I went to the haemorrhoid clinic yesterday

It was really busy, standing room only.

Yesterday i went to the store for oversized boardgames

I kind of wanted to shoplift something, but the risk was to big.

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant "What kills coronavirus"?

She replied "Ammonia cleaner"

I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here"

I went to the zoo yesterday…

It only had one dog, it was a shih tzu.

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I had a breakthrough while taking a shit yesterday!

I had to wash my hands extra afterwards.

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

Yesterday i found out that i got a foot fetish

Because i like Mentos

My girlfriend got braces yesterday…

Now my children are stuck behind bars…

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

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Russian foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov said yesterday that Adolf Hitler had Jewish roots. Historians replied...

"Oooh, So that's why he killed himself..."

A duck walks into a store...

He shouts at the proprietor, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor answers, "No, we don't."

The next day, the duck returns, and asks, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food. Now please leave."

The n...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I thought I saw an eye doctor in Alaska yesterday

But it was only an optical Aleutian

I had gotten a coupon for 50% off an Arizona Ice Tea yesterday.

After I bought the can an opened it, I suddenly heard a bunch of beats and rap music coming out of the can. I was really confused at why my beverage was playing rap music at me, but then I realized why.

I had gotten 50 cent Ice T.

I went to a haunted bakery yesterday

That place really gave me the crepes

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Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.

It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity

The wife & I had a child yesterday evening,

I call dibs on the breakfast ribs.

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Overdosed on Viagra yesterday...

Hardest day of my life.

I saw my short friend yesterday, and I asked him "what's up?"

He turned to me with a sad look on his face and said "everything"

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

I bought my wife a pug dog yesterday...

Despite the bulging eyes, squashed face and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday.

A man picked up the phone and said: “Hello! I am wan kin the chef.” I said that I’ll come back later

What did the IT support guy do yesterday after eating Taco Bell?

He troubleshat

I went to donate my kidney yesterday

I went to donate my kidney yesterday... they called me a good person


I went in with 2 more today and they called the police on me

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Yesterday I was in the shower with my wife

I accidentally peed on her and now she’s pissed

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing...

,,,it cost me a fortune in stamps.

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

I remember 2021 like it was yesterday!

Happy New Year

I went shopping yesterday

I went into a candy shop and tried to buy a kinder chocolate bar but no bueno..... so I went to a game shop and tried to buy a full monopoly set but no dice

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Wandering round Liverpool yesterday with my wife and our toddler son, when he decided to have a tantrum, throwing his favourite red toy car out of his buggy.

By the time I picked it up, it was blue and had new number plates.

Yesterday my COVID test result was declared

I Got 12 . I also got my IQ test result today morning and it is POSITiVE.

I forgot to shave my sundial yesterday...

..hence the five o'clock shadow

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?

It’s ok, he woke up.

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TIFU...well it was actually yesterday, so YIFU by singing a Sam Cooke song for my GF on Valentine's Day:

Me:
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geograph...

I threw a pencil yesterday

I suppose you could say it wasn’t stationary anymore

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently...

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I got punched in the temple yesterday

But it was my fault. I shouldn't have called the Rabbi a cunt

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

Bought a new pen yesterday

But I took it back today. I told the clerk I wasn’t happy with it because it was always aimed at my zipper. The clerk said that’s normal it’s a ballpoint.

I ate a clock yesterday.

It was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Yesterday, I went to My Psychiatrist Office Wearing Saranwrap Pants

My psychiatrist said, "Clearly; I can see you're nuts".

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

Yesterday I gave my phone, watch and wallet to a poor guy…

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

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Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off once."

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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A man goes to confession

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.


Father: What did you do my child?


Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.


Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.


...

My ex saw me yesterday and told me when I die she promises she'll dance on my grave

'Good' I said, 'I'm being buried at sea'

It was my birthday yesterday and I got given a rubbish thesaurus

It was rubbish

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Yesterday I walked in on my parents having sex

It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life

Yesterday I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

A Car full of bank robbers has crashed into a cement truck yesterday while evading police …

The police are now searching for hardened criminals.

I was at a night club till 3 am yesterday celebrating my wife’s birthday.

When I came back home, she was furious.

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian

it was the least i could do for the poor fella

I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper, and a very strange look on his face yesterday

I think he may be plotting something.

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.

Yesterday I went to a party which was horrible so I decided to write a joke about it

There was no punch so no punchline either.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

Noticed something very odd when reading the obituaries yesterday…

everyone is dying in alphabetical order!

After years of service, my old printer died yesterday.

It was like a Brother to me.

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

I was at a job interview yesterday and they asked me if I can perform under pressure

I told them my ‘go to’ is Bohemian Rhapsody

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An old farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a man walked up and asked if he minded if he fished in the farmers pond. The old farmer said “go right ahead.”

A couple of hours later, the man came back and asked the farmer if he had a bucket he can use. “I found some milkweed in your field and want to go back and get some milk.” They farmer said “you can’t get milk from them, that’s just what they’re called, but sure, go right ahead.” A little bit later, ...

the Doctor said: I have bad news, and worse news.

Patient: what is it, doc?
Doctor: The bad news is that you only have 24 hours left to live.
Patient: 24 hours?! But what could possibly be worse that that?!
Doctor: I have been trying to call you and tell you about this since yesterday.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

I feel sorry for the guy who lost his iPhone 13 Pro on the bus yesterday, I really do…

…but I wish he’d stop calling me on my new cell.

I was circumcised yesterday.

The doctor did such a good job I left him a tip.

I saw a miniature horse in a field yesterday, so I walked up to pet it.

After a few steps, I realized that it was a regular sized horse, just farther away.

I invented a new word yesterday.

I’m calling it “plagiarism”.

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

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Pudding and Yesterday

Pudding and Yesterday had gotten into some real mischief and their mother laid into them, screaming and swearing she eventually sent them to their room.

After an hour Pudding says that he needs to poo really badly but he is afraid to go downstairs or their mother might start screaming again....

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it’s really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it’ll hurt.

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

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I dropped my phone in the toilet yesterday

Now the call quality is shit

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

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The retiring postman

A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service.

The town's people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a lavish lunch and a fiver.

The Postman was very happy and asked

\- "But why ...

I told a bunch of Africans a joke about food yesterday but nobody was laughing

I guess they just don't get it

Yesterday I saw a marine mammal swim along the coast holding a glass of orange juice in it's flippers.

Turned out to be a Vitamin C-lion

I received a phone call from an aging Australian yesterday.

I guess you could say a boomer rang

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

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"Doctor how does my stool sample compare to that of yesterday?"

"Same shit, different day."

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

I saw my doctor yesterday.

I dropped my pants to show him this big boil on my bottom.


He wasn't the least bit interested, just carried on pushing his

trolley round the supermarket.

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who ...

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

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My gran asked me yesterday, completely out of the blue, how I liked to masturbate.

"Err, alone if you don't mind."

Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me yesterday

I was like, “what the Hellman?!”

Stale Donuts

I visited a little cafe not too far from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, and ordered a coffee and a donut. The coffee was bland and cold but worst of all the donut was stale.
“Excuse me” I said “these donuts are stale.”
The assistant was polite “I’m sorry sir, those are yesterday’s donuts.”
“W...

I bought a pair of boots from my drug dealer yesterday

I don't know what they're laced with but I've been tripping since I tried them

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

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Yesterday i called my teacher "dad"

Probably one of the most akward things i did during sex

a senior doing useful things with her time

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time……….

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking ...

I'm filling in for my friend who got hung over from yesterday's drinking..

His patients wont be thrilled if they knew I never went to Dental College

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

I was in the bar yesterday...

when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.


The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.


I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I...

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

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