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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

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Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

What's the fat kid's favorite day of the week?

Fry-day

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

My maths professor got fired last week...

he was caught deriving under the influence.

I once ran three marathons in one week.

They're not that hard to organize if you have experience.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

Me wife is so evil, she has lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know what she charges him.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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I love my job! I'm on paid leave for weeks, maybe months.

All I had to do was shoot an unarmed black man. I love being a cop.

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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

I went to the doctor last week. He said he needed a urine, stool, and blood sample.

I just gave him my underwear.

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In two weeks I Masters Ninjitsu, Karate, Judo...

And two other Japanese words.

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I had sex in a car for the first time last week...

Too bad it was in a hearse!

I had an IQ test last week.

It came back negative...

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

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Was in the pub with a mate last week...

... and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.

My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone".

I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

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Last week I saw an old couple having sex in a plane.

Clearly, they were fucking high.

“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”

“It’s May...”


“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

I bought a lizard, Ernie, a while ago, and after two weeks he just stopped working.

I took Ernie to the vet, and they diagnosed him with ereptile dysfunction.

I watched two satellite dishes get married last week.

The dinner was underwhelming but the reception was amazing.

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A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it

Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.

I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation

Been on a diet for two weeks

Proud to say I have lost 14 days of happiness.

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week

Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...

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Last week I had to see the doctor to have a mole removed from my penis.

The lesson here is don't try to have sex with a mole.

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A blonde is down on her luck

So she pleads to God, "Please let me win the lottery! I need the money so bad. Please help your faithful servant!"

A week comes and goes, and she doesn't win the lottery. Upset, she gets down on her knees, looks up to the heavens with tears streaming down her face and pleads, "God, I beg of y...

Every week, I'm happy to say that a recycling truck takes my garbage.

But I prefer /r/jokes where trash gets recycled almost every single day.

After weeks of small talk, I accidentally slept with my co-worker and it went terribly

Usually we take shifts but today bossman came over and we were both dozing off

What’s up with kids these days and a period of 2 weeks

Like seriously is a fortnight really a big deal

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My grief counsellor died last week

Luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit


(This is not my joke I saw it on live at the Apollo. Just wanted to share it with you)

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

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One day a father and a daughter were at a park.

The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.”
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”

Husband: “With a minute of silence.”

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

I quit drinking for a week.

From now on I’m drinking for a month.

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

The voice command system of my cheap driverless car broke down a few weeks ago.

It goes without saying.

2 MEN DIED LAST WEEK PLAYING ZELDA GAMES

I think there might be a Link between them

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

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Which days of the week are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday because the rest of the days are week days

My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar

I have to fill her slot instead

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Theresa May is going to resign as the prime minister in the first week of June

Which means that the first week of June is the last week of May

I’m going to a charity even for female amputees this week.

The place is going to be *crawling* with chicks. It will be easy to *pick them up*

My wife lost her voice for the past week...

It's the best our relationship has ever been!

Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, i am okay

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

Todd took a week off from the office.

He booked a vacation to go skiing. Before his first trip down the mountain, he heard an unbelievable rumble, and before he could move he was covered in snow. He found shelter in a small cave and was able to start a fire and make himself comfortable until help arrived. After a few hours, there was a ...

My friend always takes a a bunch of molly during the weeks leading up to Easter

He’s a lent roller

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

So a man dies...

and walks up the stairway to heaven and meets St.Peter, he asks if he's ever cheated on his wife, the man truthfully replies "Never, I love my wife!" and St. Peter gives him a Roles Royce to drive around heaven. The next guy comes and St.Peter asks him the same thing, the man responds with "I did on...

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I've had to go to all the thrift stores and get her clothes back.

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My grief counselor died last week

She must of been good though because I couldn’t give a shit.

Credit to an elderly man at my girlfriends pub.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I was travelling through Saudi Arabia the other week, when I suddenly become quite peckish

So I stumbled into Mecca Donalds and ordered a double aloha snakbar.

My wife left me last week

She said she couldnt handle the lies anymore. At least that what i think she said as i was busy fighting a bear at the time.

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

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Jake : "My sex life isn't that bad, all considered. After all these years I still fuck my wife once a week".

Joe : "Not bad ! Bit after all these years I can't complain either, I still do it every second day".
Andy : "That's cool. Myself i'm really lucky I guess. After all that time i still do it twice a day".
Jake : "But, Andy ! what are you saying ? You don't even have a wife !"

Andy : "...

My Asian friend passed away last week...

So Yung

Having Shark Week is totally racist

because all I hear that week is Great White

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel just outside of Atlanta...

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops $500 and says,

“I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The astonished Madam stares at him and says,

“But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal!”

The Trucker r...

Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds

Satan:Please it’s making me sad

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"



The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

G...

Did you hear the Duracell bunny was in court last week?

He was charged with battery.

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks

I didn't want to interrupt her

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Gypsy week

I call my GFs period 'Gypsy Week' because if I put my hand down her pants I'll get my palm red.

My friends wife left him last week..

She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

he said,

"Not bad. I've been using some of that powdered stuff"

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I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

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Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

Greek Easter is a week later to give them time to prepare all the food.

Most people consider it a crucifixion, to Greeks it’s just another hummus side.

My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

## They say he made a mint.

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