Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

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His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

​

Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

​

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

​

Another week...

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

Todd took a week off from the office.

He booked a vacation to go skiing. Before his first trip down the mountain, he heard an unbelievable rumble, and before he could move he was covered in snow. He found shelter in a small cave and was able to start a fire and make himself comfortable until help arrived. After a few hours, there was a ...

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

Went to the Coca-Cola factory last week. At the end of the tour our guide asked if I would like a complimentary beverage

"Sure. I'll have a regular Coke, please."

"Is Pepsi okay?"

Having Shark Week is totally racist

because all I hear that week is Great White

Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds

Satan:Please it’s making me sad

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”

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His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”

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“Oh, it will,” Matt responds,...

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, i am okay

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Last week a hypnotist convinced me I am a light malleable metal with an atomic number of 82

I'm easily lead.

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

Did you hear the Duracell bunny was in court last week?

He was charged with battery.

I bought a lizard, but after a week it stopped moving.

I took it to the vet, and I was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

I was in an art competition last week.

It ended in a draw.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

My friends wife left him last week..

She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

he said,

"Not bad. I've been using some of that powdered stuff"

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Saturday and Sunday are known to be the strongest days of the week.

all the other days are weak days.

My Friend died of heartburn last week

I still can't believe Gavisgone.

What happened to the burnout who snooped and found his presents the week before Christmas?

He peeked early

I broke my funny bone last week

It still hasn’t healed

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

## They say he made a mint.

A new Vietnamese restaurant opened across from another, and the owners have been throwing competitive deals all week.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

It’s been more than a week, but my wife is still mad at me for accidentally putting superglue on her pen.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”

Husband: “With a minute of silence.”

I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks

I didn't want to interrupt her

I took a job as snowboard instructor but quit after a week

I quickly realised my career was going downhill fast.

It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

Last week I found out my cousin was into underage girls.

I reported him to the feds, but when they arrived on the scene they wouldn't do a thing. They let the freak run free.

Oh well, at least he didn't enjoy his tenth birthday party.

during the week, I have people to see, and things to do.

But on the weekend, if I'm lucky I get to switch it around.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"



The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

G...

Don't you hate it when you can't find a really great joke you saw a few weeks ago that you really liked?

It makes it really hard to repost.

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

My local dental hygienist passed away last week.

A plaque was put up in her honour, but it kept getting removed.

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Cross-eyed people are born in the middle of the week.

They're looking both ways for Sunday.

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

I got an icy handjob from Elsa last week

But three seconds in I was screaming “Let it go! Let it go!!”

Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Today the judge gave me life in prison, problem solved.

What do farming students call the first few weeks of university?

Threshers.

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I got beaten up by 4 guys the other week

Luckily I was able to knock one out

Looking back on it, probably wasn’t the best time to have a wank.

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

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Haven't had a bowel movement in a week so i took some constipation pills. i'm highly disappointed.

They didn't do shit!

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so i...

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch.

The woman's husband comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says "Dark in here."

The man says "Ye...

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

I threw a camouflage themed party last week.

No one showed up.

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery last week,

He buried someone in the wrong hole, it was a grave mistake.

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The best thing about white chicks with dreadlocks is that they’ll still suck your dick even if you haven’t showered in a couple of weeks.

Free love without judgement~

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Broke guy walks into a brothel...

Man: "All I have is $20 bucks, what can I get for that?"

Madame: "Fine. Go to door number 5 over there."

​

He goes to door number 5, and all he sees in there is a chicken. Being horny, and with no one around and having nothing to lose he quickly drops his pants and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

What do Midwesterners have in common with Whistleblowers this week?

They’re both Snowden.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work.

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work. He walks into the town saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender serves him. After he finishes his whiskey, he asks the bartender,

“Say, is there anywhere around here a guy can get some action? I’ve been in the mine and I ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

The creator of the hokey pokey died this week.

It was tough for his friends and family. It was especially tough when laying his body in the coffin. They put his left arm in...

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I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

Last week I wrote a joke about flight MH370.

.....but, Idk where it went.

I went on a couple of dates last week, and one of them sucked.

So I stopped seeing the other one.

My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.

Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week.

I know a guy who religiously gets his teeth checked once per week

. He's a Seventh Day A Dentist

Secret to a happy marriage is to go out for dinner twice a week, to flirt and have fun.

Wife goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays

A joke my second grade teacher used to tell

Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.

There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a qua...

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.

She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.

The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"

"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."

Last week my dog ate the bag of scrabble tiles.

Ever since then he has been leaving little messages around the house.

I was on a flight a few weeks ago, and our descent was very turbulent, followed by a hard landing that was quite jarring.

Once on the ground, our flight attendant announced, "Well, folks, that wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the captain's fault, but it was definitely the as-phalt."

The passenger reactions were a mix of chuckles and groans.

Shoutout to our Southwest Airlines flight crew from BUR-LAS flight ...

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries”

Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting.