The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

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A husband comes home after a week long trip.

He tells his wife "I want you so much after this trip"
He brings her to their bed and they have loud sex all night long.
At some point, the neighbor bang on the wall and screams "Shut up ! It's been 8 days like that, I can't take it anymore !"

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?

Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!

A week later

Mr.S tells Mr....

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

So a horse walks into a bar for the sixth time this week.

He says, "Hey Rene, I'll have a beer."

The bartender, Rene, says, "You come in here a lot, are you sure you don't have an alcohol problem?"

The horse then disappears because it wasn't actually real in the first place and Rene only imagined it. See, it's a joke about Rene Descartes, bu...

My grandmother's star sign is Cancer, and last week she was sadly diagnosed with...

Crabs...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

My doctor told me I have 2 weeks to live.

So I robbed a bank and a judge gave me 15 years.

First week at school

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

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My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you q...

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a doctor.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long wil...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

Everyone is always saying school starts next week.

School has been around for years. Idiots.

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I started a 10 week course in how to stop my addiction of trying to shoot my semen as far as possible

I must admit, I came far

I just got married last week!

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

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Sarah got into prison for 2 weeks.

When she's was finally got expelled from prison her mother came to pick her up.

"Sarah, my dear. How was prison? Hope it wasn't too bad. I've got the whole day off to spend on some quality mother daughter time. What would you like to do first."

\- "Could we go to the mall please?"
...

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I'm fine.

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

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On a sunny day at home last week my girlfriend asked if I could pull the blind. I said “of course...

Just put on a sexy voice and be extra nice to their dogs”

A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

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Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

If I had a parrot, I’d teach him two or three pirate jokes and he would just repeat them over and over again, week after week the same jokes. Every time people would be mesmerized.

I’d name my parrot arrrrr/Jokes

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

I haven’t slept for a week

Because that would be too long

My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me last week.

She said: "Things are getting too REAL."

I spent a week straight in prison.

The sentence lasted for a month.

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you...

I wonder if my mom still remembers how to slap me into next week

I could use my paycheck early.

I started dating a homeless girl a few weeks ago and I think things are getting serious.

She’s asked me to move out with her.

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

I hate how Shark Week tries to playoff Sharks as "gentle caring creatures that are misrepresented by the media".

It doesn't matter what they say, I'm still not voting to re-elect the president.

My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry

they're calling it "Prose and Cons"

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I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

Jerry and Mary are a few weeks from their wedding...

And Jerry is starting to feel nature call, but Mary wants to wait until their special night. Jerry, however, continues to push the matter until he convinces Mary to let him put the tip in just once, but she makes him promise that's all he's going to do. He does. So they're all set and ready one nigh...

My friend climbed the fourth highest mountain in the world. The next week, he climbed the third highest mountain, and the week after that he climbed the second highest one.

Gosh, will this guy Everest?

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

Last week all the toilets were stolen from the local police station in my town...

The sheriff just recently released an update; unfortunately they still have nothing to go on.

Just a week after joining the Bloods, a rival gang member tied me to his bumper and dragged me around town.

It was a Crip-pulling experience.

Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”

Husband: “With a minute of silence.”

Last week I texted this girl.

I asked her "what are you up to?" and she hasn't responded yet.

I can't believe she is thinking this much about such a simple question.

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

baby gained twenty pounds in a week

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

What's the fat kid's favorite day of the week?

Fry-day

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

I lost 100 pounds in a week.

I should really start spending more carefully.

I whisked my wife off to the Caribbean last week.

Jamaica?

No she went of her own accord.

I once ran three marathons in one week.

They're not that hard to organize if you have experience.

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Was in the pub with a mate last week...

... and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.

My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone".

I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.

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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

My maths professor got fired last week...

he was caught deriving under the influence.

A music store was robbed last week...

The thieves made off with the lute.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

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I love my job! I'm on paid leave for weeks, maybe months.

All I had to do was shoot an unarmed black man. I love being a cop.

My father has had a very difficult week

Someone stole his favorite playing cards and I don't know if he'll ever be able to deal with the loss.

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Last week I had to see the doctor to have a mole removed from my penis.

The lesson here is don't try to have sex with a mole.

My friend died of Heartburn this week

I can't believe Gaviscon

Me wife is so evil, she has lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know what she charges him.

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Started my new job at the samaritans this week.

Tried to ring in sick but some bastard tried to talk me out of it.

“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”

“It’s May...”


“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

I went to the doctor last week. He said he needed a urine, stool, and blood sample.

I just gave him my underwear.

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In two weeks I Masters Ninjitsu, Karate, Judo...

And two other Japanese words.

My girlfriend asked me for the third time this week if I was cheating on her ...

Nowadays, she has starting to sound like my wife...

My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

Last week, I witnessed a police officer put handcuffs on a criminal who was suffering from a heart failure.

Now that's what I call a Cardiac arrest.

I had an IQ test last week.

It came back negative...

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I had sex in a car for the first time last week...

Too bad it was in a hearse!

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Last week I saw an old couple having sex in a plane.

Clearly, they were fucking high.

I bought a lizard, Ernie, a while ago, and after two weeks he just stopped working.

I took Ernie to the vet, and they diagnosed him with ereptile dysfunction.

A 3 week hike

- Do you wanna go on a 3 week hike with me?
- I can’t be away from my job that long
- Why? Are you indispensable?
- No not at all, but that’s what they can’t find out

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A week ago my Jeep broke down and I had to scrap it

Today I found out my friend got the exact same model Jeep.

I'm pretty sure its a reincarnation

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

I watched two satellite dishes get married last week.

The dinner was underwhelming but the reception was amazing.

Every week, I'm happy to say that a recycling truck takes my garbage.

But I prefer /r/jokes where trash gets recycled almost every single day.

Been on a diet for two weeks

Proud to say I have lost 14 days of happiness.

What’s up with kids these days and a period of 2 weeks

Like seriously is a fortnight really a big deal

After weeks of small talk, I accidentally slept with my co-worker and it went terribly

Usually we take shifts but today bossman came over and we were both dozing off

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week

Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...

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One day a father and a daughter were at a park.

The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.”
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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My grief counsellor died last week

Luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit


(This is not my joke I saw it on live at the Apollo. Just wanted to share it with you)

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

I’m going to a charity even for female amputees this week.

The place is going to be *crawling* with chicks. It will be easy to *pick them up*

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A blonde is down on her luck

So she pleads to God, "Please let me win the lottery! I need the money so bad. Please help your faithful servant!"

A week comes and goes, and she doesn't win the lottery. Upset, she gets down on her knees, looks up to the heavens with tears streaming down her face and pleads, "God, I beg of y...

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Went to my therapist last week and informed him I had suicidal tendencies....

He told me I needed to start paying in advance.

My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar

I have to fill her slot instead

2 MEN DIED LAST WEEK PLAYING ZELDA GAMES

I think there might be a Link between them

I quit drinking for a week.

From now on I’m drinking for a month.

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Which days of the week are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday because the rest of the days are week days

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

The voice command system of my cheap driverless car broke down a few weeks ago.

It goes without saying.

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

Theresa May is going to resign as the prime minister in the first week of June

Which means that the first week of June is the last week of May

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Todd took a week off from the office.

He booked a vacation to go skiing. Before his first trip down the mountain, he heard an unbelievable rumble, and before he could move he was covered in snow. He found shelter in a small cave and was able to start a fire and make himself comfortable until help arrived. After a few hours, there was a ...

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

My wife lost her voice for the past week...

It's the best our relationship has ever been!

I was travelling through Saudi Arabia the other week, when I suddenly become quite peckish

So I stumbled into Mecca Donalds and ordered a double aloha snakbar.

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