Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve.

It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.

What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping for the first time?

Damn, i will never get that scent out of my fish.

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?

He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.

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On the night of Christmas Eve, Santa was having a really hard time.

He was furious because nothing was going right. A couple of elves had crashed his sleigh, the reindeers were covered in eggnog, and Mrs. Clause was being a ho ho ho.

Then, to top it all off, Santa had sent little angel hours ago to find a tree and he was still gone.

“Gah, the bastard s...

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back. I don't know how big it's going to get!"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

What did Adam and Eve do on their first date?

They shared a side of ribs.

I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year...

not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves.

Adam and Eve blundered when they hit "Accept and Continue."

They forgot to read the apple terms of service.

In the Garden of Eden, why didn’t Eve want Adam listening to her while she went to the restroom?

Because eavesdropping.

Eve was mad at Adam for spending a lot of time in Eden away from her.

Adam said, "Honey, we are the only two humans to be created. Why would you worry about where I go?"

Eve let it go but wasn't convinced.

Later when Adam was asleep she decided to get to the bottom of this...

She put her hands on his chest and began counting his ribs.

Old Adam and Eve joke

Eve has had enough and kicks Adam out o the Garden of Eden for two weeks. Next day he's back. "What are you doing here?" she asks.

"My leaves up."

Why did the Karen travel to Bethlehem on Christmas Eve?

She wanted to speak to the manger!

Eve is boing for the first bath in the lake.

First she dips her toes in the water and it feels great.
She gets into the water up to her knees and she feels amazing.
Then she goes even deeper to put in her thighs, it’s almost ecstatic.
Then she can’t resist no longer so she jumps right into the lake and starts swimming, when the god ap...

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Steve Jobs named his company after the apple Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge.

Bill Gates named his company after his penis.

I'm working on a video game where you go back in time and kill Adam and Eve

it's going to be the first ever First Person Shooter.

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam and Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

Why is the 6 afraid of the 9 on new year's eve?

Because 9 8 7...

What did Adam say to Eve the first time he saw her?

... Ouch (rubbing his side)

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

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An Irish girl goes back to her father’s farmhouse for New Year’s Eve.

Her father asked: “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call?”

Crying, the girl replied: “Dad, I became a prostitute.”

“What!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“Okay, Dad. If that’s yo...

Adam & Eve were the first ones to

ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

God visits Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden

One day, God decides to visit Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

God asks Adam "how is everything? Are you enjoying yourselves?"

Adam says, "yes, everything is just great, God"

Satisfied with the answer, God turns to leave. But before he does, he quickly asks "by the way, where...

Did you hear that Eve died?

Humans were gone, reduced to Adams

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

Adam and Eve were in different parts of the Garden of Eden when the Lord ......

......... commanded Adam to go and squeeze Eve's hand.

"What's a squeeze, Lord?" Adam asked.

The Lord explained, and Adam went and squeezed Eve's hand. Then the Lord told Adam to kiss Eve.

Again, Adam was confused and asked for an explanation, which was given.

And Adam we...

Adam and Eve

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?

A hole in it!

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think ...

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “M...

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

Why was Eve the first carpenter?

She made Adam's banana stand



^(Sorry)

Why cant you trust atoms?

They make up everything

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

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Adam sneaks away from Eve to ask God a couple of questions. Adam: "God, why did you make my penis so small?"

God: "Eve has no one to compare you to, it shouldn't matter."

Adam: "Ok. And about the apple, I know you told us we couldn't eat that, but did you tell Eve she can't eat cucumbers either?"

God: "No, why do you ask?"

Adam: "Because she keeps one by the bed, but she never eats it....

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

On New Year's Eve back in 1999, a friend bet me a couple grand that computers were going to stop working

"Why $2k?" I asked.

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?

They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.

Why did God create Eve?

Because every Garden needs a hoe.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

Christmas Eve, cop pulls over a man for speeding

Cop says "Listen, It's Christmas, I wanna end my shift and go home, and not have to do paper work. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off".

Speeder thinks a minute, then replies "My wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid he was you and you were bringing her...

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

New Year’s Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bar...

They say New York has the best New Years Eve Party

I’d say it’s overrated - every year they drop the ball

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

Every year I tune into 'Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve' thinking this will be the year it's worth watching.

But they always drop the ball.

What nationality were Adam and Eve ?

They had nothing to wear, shared an apple and thought they were in heaven.

Soviet of course.

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‌‌A husban‌‌d notice‌‌s hi‌‌s wife’‌‌s hearin‌‌g i‌‌s deterioratin‌‌g an‌‌d decide‌‌s t‌‌o visi‌‌t he‌‌r docto‌‌r fo‌‌r advice.

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc.

“There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌. “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌...

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

Three nuns get into a car accident.

All three die and are awaiting St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter arrives.

"All three of you must each answer a bible trivia question to proceed inside." He looks at the first and youngest nun. "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

"Easy. Her name was Eve." states the younge...

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

Translating a Bulgarian joke

Vegans have been screwing us over from the very beginning. If Eve had eaten the snake and not the fruit we wouldn't be in this mess.

Right before the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, make sure to lift up your left leg...

You’ll want to start out the New Year on the RIGHT foot.

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Sherlock Holmes died

Sherlock Holmes died, and went to heaven.

Apostle Peter stands at the gate and asks him:

\- Who are you?

\- I'm the best detective in the world.

\- Alright then go and find me Adam and Eve in paradise , because there are too many people, and I can't find them.
...

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

3 nuns die and go to heaven

St. Peter tells them, "I am going to ask each one of you a question. If you get it right, I will let you in."

He asks the first one, "Who built the ark?"

"Easy, that was Noah." She replies.

Peter tells her that is correct and lets her in.

Peter asks the second one, "W...

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It's Christmas Eve and Santa is very angry...

...his reindeer cannot fly because they ended up drinking mulled wine and are now very drunk. His elves are refusing to produce any more presents because they are angry about their pay and an angel Santa sent off to get a Christmas tree hasn't returned yet. "How the hell am I going to get Christmas ...

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

what did god say when adam told him eve was taking a bath in the ocean

“i’ll never be able to get the smell out of the fish”

Eve asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”

“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

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What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

It was Xmas Eve and I could hear faint Latin rhythms and long guitar notes coming from behind the fireplace.

Santana was stuck up the chimney.

I just opened up my presents for Christmas Eve

Too bad I didn't get any lotion to have something to play with

A young girl is praying before bed on Christmas Eve...

"Dear God, please help me with my dyslexia, Mom and Dad had to help me with my list to santa. I almost asked Satan for my first bar. I was so embarrassed. Also, please be with those poorer and less fortunate than us. Amen"

And God said to the little girl, "Woof!"

My dad is the meanest person in the world

On Christmas Eve, he fired his air gun in to the sky, and came back inside to tell me that Santa has committed suicide.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You li...

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

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One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

Before he died, Steve Jobs opened up a children’s hospital named after his daughter, Eve.

It’s called St. Eve Jobs.

Eve eating the apple marked..

.. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.

One day, God visits Adam as he walks through the Garden of Eden...

"My son, I've decided to end your loneliness and give you a companion. She shall be called Eve, and she will be beautiful, never age, always stay faithful, and be loyal to your every command. She will fulfill all of your desires and make you feel complete as a man."

To which Adam replies "So...

Why did God create Eve?

He looked down and seen that man was too happy!

Why is it risky for kids with dairy allergies to attend Christmas Eve church services?

There's a whey in the manger.

Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

A surgeon, a farmer, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing over whose career is the best.

"I think surgery is the best career because it's the oldest!" said the surgeon.

"What makes you say that?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said the surgeon, "God removed a rib from Adam and turned it into Eve."

"You are forgetting one thing," said the farmer. "Before God even created ...

God appeared to Adam in the Garden...

God appeared to Adam in the Garden of Eden one morning. While discussing the naming of the animals and such, God noticed Eve wasn’t there. God asked Adam, “where is Eve my son?”

Adam reply’s, “oh she is down at the river bathing”.

God then gasps, “Oh no, no, no! I’ll never get that sme...

Sunday School

A little boy and a little girl were at Sunday school one week. Throughout the lecture, the little boy kept poking the girl with his pencil.

About ten minutes of poking and lecturing later, the teacher asks "Who created the earth?"

Little girl, tired of being poked by the pencil, slams ...

The Sonic trailer dropped on the eve of Ramadan.

This is because he gotta go fast.

Adam blamed Eve , Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent,

Didn’t have a leg to stand on.

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Eve- that's it?

Adam- this is literally the biggest penis on earth?

‌‌A grou‌‌p o‌‌f Engineerin‌‌g professor‌‌s wer‌‌e invite‌‌d t‌‌o fl‌‌y i‌‌n ‌‌a plane.

Righ‌‌t afte‌‌r the‌‌y wer‌‌e comfortabl‌‌y seated‌‌, the‌‌y wer‌‌e informe‌‌d th‌‌e plan‌‌e wa‌‌s buil‌‌t b‌‌y thei‌‌r students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked...

God told Eve

-You shall pay your sin with blood
Eve asked
-May I pay it in installments?
And God created the menstruation

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"

I was expecting the answer "Madam, I’m Adam," but one student had a better reply:

"Wow."

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