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Weekend Jokes

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Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

So I arranged a threesome last weekend

obviously there were 2 no shows, but we still had a good time.
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Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...
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I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.
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Weekend

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to ...
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What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender asks him, "What'd you do this weekend?"

The guy says, "I picked off a scab."

"Oh, so it wasn't very eventful?"

"Well, actually, I'm on strike with the sniper's union."
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I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.
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Weekend at the beach

So, three couples decide to go to the beach for the weekend. When they get there, there are only two rooms available at the hotel so they decide to split up - three women in one room, three men in the other. At around midnight, one of the guys says outload "guys I gotta go visit my wife". The second...

Grandpa Mike died this weekend.

He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.
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Went on a date last weekend this woman and afterwards I said "wow, you're the most average girl I've ever date".

"you are mean!" She replied.

I said "no, you are".
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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend

Nobody came
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Teacher: What did you do on the weekend?

Student: I did some cooking.

Teacher: Lovely, what did you bake?

Student: Synonym rolls just like Grammar used to make!
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The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...
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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!
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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

Instead of partying, my friend goes to the woods every weekend to distract deer hunters.

That’s how he saves a few bucks.
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.
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The girl I brought home last weekend didn't seem impressed by my collection of beer commercials

Apparently, she'd misunderstood when I told her I had six-pack ads
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My friend said, “Do you want to come see my band play this weekend? The doors open at 8.”

Me: How’s that possible? I thought Jim Morrison was dead.
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A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
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Wasted weekend

A wasted weekend, is not a waste of a weekend
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A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...
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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

I'm opening a bar that hosts brass bands every weekend.

I'm calling it "HornPub".
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Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?...

What do blind people and the weekend have in common?

I overheard a kid saying this today when we crossed paths walking down the street but I wasn't able to hear the punchline. Looking for any good answers as this is *really* bugging me till I find out.
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I told my wife, “Let’s take a trip to upstate New York this weekend.”

Her: Ok. By Buffalo?

Me: No, I was thinking of taking a car.
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I went to a miniature wind turbine exhibition on the weekend.

Not…a big fan.
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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, you sick fuck. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...
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My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...
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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

This weekend a red ship & a blue ship collided at sea

Tragically, all the sailors were marooned.
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No jokes about Jesus on Easter weekend.

He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.
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I took my son to the fair on the weekend…

…and we we’re having a great time. At least we were until I let him go in to see the palm reader. When he came out he was sad and when I asked what happened, he said “She told me that in 15 years I would have one of the worst days of my life after a loss.”

Being the great dad I am, on the way...
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Jesus died for your sins.

But did He stay dead?

At most, He lost a weekend for your sins.
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Mitzi came back from a weekend at her grandparents' house and told her mom she's never staying there again. "They just sat around the whole weekend and had nothing on!"



"Nothing on!," her mother cried out in horror.



"Yes," said Mitzi, "no TV, no computer, no Xbox..."
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Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"


Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"


Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."
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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...
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My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
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New York held its first ever 'Tiny Penis Pageant' this weekend.

Competition was stiff, but no one could tell.

A CEO of a company called his secretary (his married mistress) and told her that he wants to go on a trip with her this weekend so they can have some fun

and that she can tell her husband it’s a work trip, so she agreed.

She called her husband and told him that she has a work trip so she won’t spend this weekend with him, he understood.

her husband called his mistress and told her that his wife is out this weekend so she should come bec...
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Man takes his wife golfing

An old man goes golfing every weekend. His wife always complains about his going and leaving her alone. So one weekend he says “Why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you how to play.” She agrees and on the first hole, a par 4 with a dog leg, she asks “ok, what do I do?” He says “you see that fla...
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Easter - Shout out to Judas for the long weekend!

I hadn’t heard this before - a punchline 2000 years in the making…
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How does Thom Yorke wake up on a weekend that doesn’t happen to coincide with his birthday?

With no alarms and no surprises
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I took my new girlfriend camping for the first time last weekend.

The sex was in tents.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...
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I had a Thai massage at the weekend...

Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I...
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I was at a party last weekend

The DJ played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena

Next, he played the Hustle, so I did the Hustle

Finally, he played "Come on, Eileen". I got kicked out for that one.
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Had an amazing time Bobsleighing last weekend.

I slayed 28 Bobs!!
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I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend.

All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
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I heard that pornhub was shutdown in Russia over the weekend...

Guess you could say things are out of hand over there.

"How was the fishing trip last weekend, did you catch anything?" Asked my colleague

"yeah i caught my best friend and my wife in my bed when I went home early "
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An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

Enjoy weekend and enjoy and enjoy weekend

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you ...
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Weekend

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He answered, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain....
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My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend...

I ran into these twin brothers I hadn’t seen since graduation, and I thought to myself..

“Well, you two still look the same.”
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After going to the casino every weekend for years, I finally won big. A brand new Nissan.

I call it my Vice Versa.
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I visited my old friend in Newcastle over the weekend and asked him if I could use his WiFi.

"Sure," he said, "she's upstairs and the password is 'new_shoes'."
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I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend...

My wife was in the house, about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn’t sure a...

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Boudreaux and Thibodeau go hunting one weekend

While out in the woods, they are able to track and kill a deer that morning. While Thibodeau is gutting the deer, Boudreaux feels nature’s call and tells Thibodeau he has to go pop a squat. So, Boudreaux finds a tree a little bit away and does his business. However, he falls asleep!

Thibodeau...

The extreme needleworking camp is this weekend!

Don't miss it.. it's sew in tents!
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I took my kids to their school on a weekend.

They protested, "But, Dad, the school is closed today!"

I said, "Right. Here's where you learn what it's like to be a salaried employee. Now, get in there and get some work done while it's quiet and no one can bother you."
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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...
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All Weekend ?

A woman is at work. Friday afternoon she receives a bouquet of roses from here husband. “ oh great “ she tells her co worker, “ Now I will Have To Spend All Weekend With My Legs Up In The Air” Why” asked her coworker, Haven’t You Got A Vase At Home ?”
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A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend.

He lost almost all of his money and had only just enough for the plane ticket back home. He finds a taxi waiting outside the casino which he get's into and proceeds tp explain his predicament and that he'd send the driver the money for the fare when he got home.

The driver doesn't care "Liste...

Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?

Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!
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Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...
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Where do cows go on weekends??

To the ....



Moooooooovies.
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TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...
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A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

I get so lonely on the weekends....

that I log into all my online accounts so my phone text tone goes off with authentication codes that I can pretend are my friends texting me.
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I'm performing in a theatrical production of the dictionary this weekend

Its a play on words..
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I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked...

Specially the wife .
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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?
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This weekend I'm curing my masturbation addiction once and for all...

Either I'm going to beat it, or I'm going to beat it.

People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy

...but really, sleep is for the week
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What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?

Fried, eh?
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Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week!

Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.
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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

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I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

I never go to sleep on weekends.

Sleep is for the week.
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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
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What does the law enforcing pirate say, when you ask him, what he's going to do on the long weekend?

Arrr rest
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Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.
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My weekend was like the movie “The Avengers”

Loki
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My wife went away for the weekend

So I did what any handsome stud would do. I went to the pub/bar. I proceeded to go from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky. But, you know what? I didn’t find any gum underneath any of them.
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I met my girlfriend's parents last weekend.

Me: I'm a big fan of your work.
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Little Johnnie's teacher asks him how his weekend was.

"Horrible. A car hit my dog in the ass," he says.
Correcting his language, the teacher says, "Rectum."
"Wrecked him?" Johnnie replies. "Damn near killed him!"

Saw a guy getting laid in a cemetary last weekend.

Figured i had nothing to lose so i yelled out "hey, mind if i have a turn?"
" go dig up your own!" He replied.
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My penis is like the weekend...

It's just a bit to short to be truly satisfying.

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Plan for Next Weekend

Friday at 4:45 an old geezer walks into the jewelry store with a hot babe on his arm. The shopkeeper was going to close but figured the guy must be loaded so he'll stay open. The old man is laying it on thick: "I want to see a ring that won't look dull compared to my angel's beautiful eyes." The gir...

A mathematician wants more excitement and wants to become a volunteer fireman on the weekends

He goes through the training, and proceeds to take the written final exam.

Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?

The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.

Question 2: You ...
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A great weekend

Friday, the husband enthusiastically turns to his wife and proposes:

*Honey, do you want to have a wonderful and awesome weekend?*

She immediately answers:

*Of course my love!!!*

Great, see you next Monday, bye!
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I've been screwing all weekend and my wrist is killing me

Installing drywall is hard work.
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No boaters drowned at the Trump boat parade this weekend

Because pieces of shit float

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!
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Happy Easter Weekend ...

It is the day of Christ's crucifixion, and Jesus is being nailed in as his followers gather at the base of Golgotha to weep and mourn.

As they pray, they hear Jesus call out in a soft voice: "Peter ... Peter ..."

"Our Lord calls to you, Peter!" Thomas says.

Emboldened, Peter t...
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I really want a truck queue this weekend.

Oops, sorry, I meant for that to be a pickup line.
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Starbucks reached new heights this weekend.

They now have a store in Westeros.
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I think we should swap the weekend days

Cause Sundays are definitely sadder days.
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My beautiful colleague asked if I was free this weekend.

"Of course!" I can't be any more happier.

"Good." She replied: "Can I switch shift with you?"
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Bad news for dyslexics this weekend

Their cocks go black

How does Tom Hiddleston spend weekends?

He keeps it Loki.
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There's a nudist convention in my town next weekend

I might go if I've got nothing on
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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

Local restaurant is opening back up again this weekend.

Three dead grandma's for one steak, kind of pricey if you ask me.
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