A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.

It was so emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

I'm driving up to Worcester this weekend

Easier done than said.

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

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My penis is like the weekend...

It's just a bit to short to be truly satisfying.

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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.

As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she
took off her pa...

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip.

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip. The man’s wife is coming to see him the next day. He checks into a hotel room and opens his laptop. He sends her a brief email to let her know he got to his destination safely. Unfortunately, he makes a typo in the address and the email is sent t...

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Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel......

When they get there, one girl suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, a girl turned to her new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the guys are doing?"

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*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

Staying at a hotel over the weekend and we met some chess tournament players in the lobby. They were VERY sure of themselves.

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I went to my grandfathers house this weekend

On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said

The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again

On the third da...

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

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I just got back from a weekend camping trip with a bunch of swingers.

It was fucking in tents.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

I asked my racist, mexican buddy about what meetings he attends on weekends.

He kept saying «what» three times in spanish, for some reason.

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

Funny thing about weekends when you're unemployed, they don't mean quite so much

Except that you get to hang out with your working friends.

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

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Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

If Lil Wayne was a Royal What would he be doing on the weekends?

I don't know, but I'm sure it would involve Wayneking.

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

The roads were so bad after this weekend's snowstorm I was the villain from The King And I...

I was crawlin' home

over the weekend I've trained my wife to swap discs for me in my PS4....

what a game changer

I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend.

With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?

We're expecting 6-12 inches this weekend.

Depends on how many guys show up.

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Three redditors link up for the weekend and hit a brothel outa town.

They walk into the venue and take a seat. The Madame greets them and rings a bell... Out come three scantily clad girls.

"You should know", says the Madame, "to give the client a 'real experience', we don't use condoms here".

The redditors look at each other for a second, then nod and...

Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!

So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but t...

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

I play poker with my best friend's wife every weekend.

He seems fine with it, but I suspect he doesn't know what I use to poke her.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

Plan for Next Weekend

Friday at 4:45 an old geezer walks into the jewelry store with a hot babe on his arm. The shopkeeper was going to close but figured the guy must be loaded so he'll stay open. The old man is laying it on thick: "I want to see a ring that won't look dull compared to my angel's beautiful eyes." The gir...

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Bad news for dyslexics this weekend

Their cocks go black

I entered a pun contest this weekend

You had to submit your ten best puns to the judges and then they’d pick a winner. Since I love puns so much I figured I had a good chance of winning. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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My parents are gone for the weekend so I was in charge of cleaning up after my dogs and sifting through the litter box...

To say the least, I’m done with their shit

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

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A student tells his teacher he is sexually exhausted from the weekend and therefore cannot do his schoolwork, the teacher says

“then use your other hand”

I got fired today for leaving unfinished work over the weekend.

WTF are they thinking? Surgeons are only human.

I arranged a threesome on the weekend.

Had two no shows, but I still had fun

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

Last weekend I was accused of being dyslexic at a party...

I think they were just jealous of my goat costume, because nobody else put in *any* effort. For some reason they all just decided to wear bed sheets to the goat party.

I think weekends are made in China

They don’t last long.



*reposted from somewhere else

The only difference between a weekday and a weekend ...

is which boss is telling me to do things.

[Amsterdam] My friend David lost his id when we went out this weekend

Now he's just Dav

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,

they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early

Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to...

Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants...

But nobody came

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

My parents divorced when I was 9, and every other weekend my Dad would pick me up and take me to Hooters....practically raised me there.

...so many good mammaries.

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Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?...

Last weekend I childproofed my home,

And my kids still found a way in.

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

I never go to sleep on weekends.

Sleep is for the week.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

I watched Avengers: Infinity War this weekend. It was definitely a good movie, but one question was left unanswered, and it keeps me up at night.

I'll never be able to figure out why is Gamora.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed and so did he.

There sh...

Took the shell off of my racing snail this weekend

Thought it might speed him up
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

This weekend I took my girlfriend to a dog show.

She won.

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A couple of bros go out for a weekend of partying before exams

Their original plan was to spend the saturday partying and then spend sunday studying, but they got so caught up in the fun the spent the entire weekend. Skip ahead to monday, the bros woke up late and hungover, and realizing they're late for their exam they rush to class.

When the professor ...

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

Lady Penelope returns to her mansion after a long weekend at Tracy Island

Upon seeing Parker in the main bedroom she commands him;

"Parker, take of my dress"

"Yes, M'lady" replies Parker

"Now Parker, take off my Bra"

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker take of my Panties"

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker if I ever catch you wearing my clothes...

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Little Johnny’s teacher asked him how his weekend was.

“Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass!” he said.

The teacher replied, “rectum”

“Wrecked him?” Little Johnny said. “Damn near killed him!”

I asked an attractive geologist if she wanted to go on a date this weekend but she told me that she doesn't date...

she quartz.

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I'm going to a deodorant party this weekend...

Roll on Saturday!

Joke from a funeral I went to last weekend

widow: Is there anything anyone would like to say to the deceased?

man: yes, plethora

widow: thanks, it means a lot

A great weekend

Friday, the husband enthusiastically turns to his wife and proposes:

*Honey, do you want to have a wonderful and awesome weekend?*

She immediately answers:

*Of course my love!!!*

Great, see you next Monday, bye!

Why are North Korean weekends so lame?

Because theres only one party.

I always cry on the first day of the weekend

It's a sadder-day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm holding a charity event at the weekend for people who have trouble orgasming...

Let me know if you can't come

Last weekend I organised a threesome...

We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.

My buddy said, "It's me and my wife's tenth wedding anniversary next weekend, so I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."

I replied, "Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?"

I can't wait for this weekend's big Sci-Fi Rom-Com movie opening...

Star Wars: When Hairy Met Solo

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over Memorial Day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins.

Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.

I went to a swingers club on the weekend

I got through the front door and the lady on the desk said “it’s £10 to get in, or you can pay £15 and you get a meal”. So I paid the £15 and went in. It seemed to be going alright - then this naked oily guy walked up to me and said “hello, I’m Amil”.

No jokes about Jesus on Easter weekend.

He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a woman who went out of town for the weekend. When she came back, she notified two condoms were missing.

She asked her boyfriend about it, and he said he used them to masturbate.

“Really?” The girlfriend asked. “You use condoms to masturbate?”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “Lots of guys do it.”

The next day at work she was eating lunch with a male coworker.

“Can I ask you something...

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I was in a circle jerk session last weekend..

I came in 2nd and 7th place

My dad came to visit for the weekend. Today he awoke and found a parking ticket on his car.

He said, "Looks like today is turning out to be a fine day."

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

I was invited to a nudist convention this weekend...

I said I’d go if I have nothing on.

I was playing golf last weekend

There were two women ahead of us playing very slowly.

After 5 holes, I'd had enough, and went ahead to ask if we could play through.

I soon came back with a look of terror on my face, and said it was my wife and my mistress and there was no way I could approach them and ask to play thr...

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy goes to spend the weekend with Jane, his cousin...

On her house, she tells him he will sleep on the bottom bunk bed, because she liked the top.

During the night, believing that Billy is asleep, Jane goes to the front door to let her boyfriend in. Her boyfriend goes to the bedroom and climbs the bunk with her. Jane warns her boyfriend that Bil...

We attended a wedding this weekend for Bobby-Joe and Bobby-Ann. It was a beautiful wedding and it just goes to show that...

there’s somebobby for everybobby.

Why do I only lift at the weekend?

Because Monday to Friday are weak days

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A rockstar was telling his mate about all the groupies on the weekend.

Apparently, it was fan-fucking-tastic

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

Every weekend I tell myself, John, you should stop drinking...

Luckily I'm not John.

I took my son to the space museum last weekend.

They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

Donald Trump invites Obama, George W Bush and Bill Clinton to Mar-a-Lago for a President's weekend.

They decide to play volleyball, Democrats vs Republicans. As they walk to the court, Bush asks Trump, "I gotta ask, why didn't you release your tax returns?" Trump replied, "Well, I was going to eventually, but as the public became more demanding I felt like caving in to that kind of pressure would ...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

I went house hunting over the weekend...

I went to see a house that had mirrors all over the walls and I could definitely see myself living there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, you sick fuck. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

I dropped my phone in a pitcher of beer this weekend...

Now it only drunk dials and does last call.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to my school reunion last weekend and the main topic of conversation was still about the stunning substitute teacher…

…we had one day, in the early eighties, who gave a boy a blow job in front of the entire class.

She went down in history.

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife.

"Sure", she responds

"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

Bought a cheap horse over the weekend. Problem is she sleeps all day.

What a nightmare.

A windmill was spotted at The Dark Tower premier this weekend.

People said it was a huge Stephen King fan.

Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?

Loki: nothing, just hanging out

Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...

Loki: no

Thor: low key

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...