A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

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A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend

While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge erection

She whisper to her mother "What is that between his legs?" & her mother whisper back "Oh that is nothing darling."

Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her fat...

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

My wife went away for the weekend

So I did what any handsome stud would do. I went to the pub/bar. I proceeded to go from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky. But, you know what? I didn’t find any gum underneath any of them.

Happy Easter Weekend ...

It is the day of Christ's crucifixion, and Jesus is being nailed in as his followers gather at the base of Golgotha to weep and mourn.

As they pray, they hear Jesus call out in a soft voice: "Peter ... Peter ..."

"Our Lord calls to you, Peter!" Thomas says.

Emboldened, Peter t...

Starbucks reached new heights this weekend.

They now have a store in Westeros.

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Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend

(Told in a very thick Minnesotan accent which I won’t write out)

Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend and right away Ole shoots a big ol’ buck. So, they bring it back to the truck and start cleaning it and Sven says, “you know, Ole, this thing is so huge I bet Lena wouldn’t be able to cook it ...

Was reminded my life was a joke when I asked a girl on a date and she said, “You remind me too much of the weekends....”

”Way too short and forgettable.”

My father-in-law asked me what I plan on doing over the weekend.

Apparently ”your daughter” isn’t right correct answer.

I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.

It was so emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers.

I'm driving up to Worcester this weekend

Easier done than said.

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.

As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she
took off her pa...

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

Ya know, I tried acupuncture last weekend

I just didn't really get the point

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

What do cows do on weekends ?

They go to the moo-vies.

Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

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Two classmates are discussing the current state of their alma mater at a reunion weekend barbecue.

“Things have really gotten crazy here,” the first man says. “Did you know the football coach makes three times the salary as the head of the English department?”

The second man responds, “Well, that kind of makes sense. I’m pretty sure 100,000 screaming fans wouldn’t show up on Saturday for a...

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My penis is like the weekend...

It's just a bit to short to be truly satisfying.

I asked my racist, mexican buddy about what meetings he attends on weekends.

He kept saying «what» three times in spanish, for some reason.

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip.

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip. The man’s wife is coming to see him the next day. He checks into a hotel room and opens his laptop. He sends her a brief email to let her know he got to his destination safely. Unfortunately, he makes a typo in the address and the email is sent t...

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

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*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

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What are you doing this weekend?

Lesbians.

What?

Not doing dick.

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Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel......

When they get there, one girl suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, a girl turned to her new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the guys are doing?"

I went to my grandfathers house this weekend

On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said

The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again

On the third da...

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I just got back from a weekend camping trip with a bunch of swingers.

It was fucking in tents.

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Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

Funny thing about weekends when you're unemployed, they don't mean quite so much

Except that you get to hang out with your working friends.

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

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Three redditors link up for the weekend and hit a brothel outa town.

They walk into the venue and take a seat. The Madame greets them and rings a bell... Out come three scantily clad girls.

"You should know", says the Madame, "to give the client a 'real experience', we don't use condoms here".

The redditors look at each other for a second, then nod and...

If Lil Wayne was a Royal What would he be doing on the weekends?

I don't know, but I'm sure it would involve Wayneking.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

Coworker asked me about my camping trip this past weekend since it stormed.

I won't lie. It was mostly intense.

We're expecting 6-12 inches this weekend.

Depends on how many guys show up.

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

Me and the lads did a Lord of The Rings marathon last weekend

Ran 26 miles dressed as Gandalf

The roads were so bad after this weekend's snowstorm I was the villain from The King And I...

I was crawlin' home

Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!

So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but t...

I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend.

With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

I play poker with my best friend's wife every weekend.

He seems fine with it, but I suspect he doesn't know what I use to poke her.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Plan for Next Weekend

Friday at 4:45 an old geezer walks into the jewelry store with a hot babe on his arm. The shopkeeper was going to close but figured the guy must be loaded so he'll stay open. The old man is laying it on thick: "I want to see a ring that won't look dull compared to my angel's beautiful eyes." The gir...

over the weekend I've trained my wife to swap discs for me in my PS4....

what a game changer

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

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Bad news for dyslexics this weekend

Their cocks go black

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents are gone for the weekend so I was in charge of cleaning up after my dogs and sifting through the litter box...

To say the least, I’m done with their shit

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,

they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early

Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to...

I got fired today for leaving unfinished work over the weekend.

WTF are they thinking? Surgeons are only human.

I arranged a threesome on the weekend.

Had two no shows, but I still had fun

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I think weekends are made in China

They don’t last long.



*reposted from somewhere else

Last weekend I was accused of being dyslexic at a party...

I think they were just jealous of my goat costume, because nobody else put in *any* effort. For some reason they all just decided to wear bed sheets to the goat party.

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Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?...

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A student tells his teacher he is sexually exhausted from the weekend and therefore cannot do his schoolwork, the teacher says

“then use your other hand”

The only difference between a weekday and a weekend ...

is which boss is telling me to do things.

[Amsterdam] My friend David lost his id when we went out this weekend

Now he's just Dav

Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants...

But nobody came

I never go to sleep on weekends.

Sleep is for the week.

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

My parents divorced when I was 9, and every other weekend my Dad would pick me up and take me to Hooters....practically raised me there.

...so many good mammaries.

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Winnie the

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went ...

Last weekend I childproofed my home,

And my kids still found a way in.

I watched Avengers: Infinity War this weekend. It was definitely a good movie, but one question was left unanswered, and it keeps me up at night.

I'll never be able to figure out why is Gamora.

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A couple of bros go out for a weekend of partying before exams

Their original plan was to spend the saturday partying and then spend sunday studying, but they got so caught up in the fun the spent the entire weekend. Skip ahead to monday, the bros woke up late and hungover, and realizing they're late for their exam they rush to class.

When the professor ...

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Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

Lady Penelope returns to her mansion after a long weekend at Tracy Island

Upon seeing Parker in the main bedroom she commands him;

"Parker, take of my dress"

"Yes, M'lady" replies Parker

"Now Parker, take off my Bra"

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker take of my Panties"

"Yes M'lady"

"Now Parker if I ever catch you wearing my clothes...

This weekend I took my girlfriend to a dog show.

She won.

Why are North Korean weekends so lame?

Because theres only one party.

I asked an attractive geologist if she wanted to go on a date this weekend but she told me that she doesn't date...

she quartz.

Joke from a funeral I went to last weekend

widow: Is there anything anyone would like to say to the deceased?

man: yes, plethora

widow: thanks, it means a lot

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

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Little Johnny’s teacher asked him how his weekend was.

“Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass!” he said.

The teacher replied, “rectum”

“Wrecked him?” Little Johnny said. “Damn near killed him!”

Last weekend I organised a threesome...

We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.

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I'm going to a deodorant party this weekend...

Roll on Saturday!

I was doing some yard work this weekend...

It was a hot, muggy day, and I had just finished raking the leaves in my yard. I was ready to be done. I pulled out some plastic sheeting to pile the leaves on and dragged them to the curb.

After my chores were done, I took a break and broke out a bottle of liqueur to relax and enjoy the fru...

Took the shell off of my racing snail this weekend

Thought it might speed him up
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

A great weekend

Friday, the husband enthusiastically turns to his wife and proposes:

*Honey, do you want to have a wonderful and awesome weekend?*

She immediately answers:

*Of course my love!!!*

Great, see you next Monday, bye!

My buddy said, "It's me and my wife's tenth wedding anniversary next weekend, so I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."

I replied, "Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?"

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm holding a charity event at the weekend for people who have trouble orgasming...

Let me know if you can't come

I always cry on the first day of the weekend

It's a sadder-day

No jokes about Jesus on Easter weekend.

He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.

My dad came to visit for the weekend. Today he awoke and found a parking ticket on his car.

He said, "Looks like today is turning out to be a fine day."

I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over Memorial Day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins.

Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

I can't wait for this weekend's big Sci-Fi Rom-Com movie opening...

Star Wars: When Hairy Met Solo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a circle jerk session last weekend..

I came in 2nd and 7th place

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

I went to a swingers club on the weekend

I got through the front door and the lady on the desk said “it’s £10 to get in, or you can pay £15 and you get a meal”. So I paid the £15 and went in. It seemed to be going alright - then this naked oily guy walked up to me and said “hello, I’m Amil”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy goes to spend the weekend with Jane, his cousin...

On her house, she tells him he will sleep on the bottom bunk bed, because she liked the top.

During the night, believing that Billy is asleep, Jane goes to the front door to let her boyfriend in. Her boyfriend goes to the bedroom and climbs the bunk with her. Jane warns her boyfriend that Bil...

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

I was invited to a nudist convention this weekend...

I said I’d go if I have nothing on.

I was playing golf last weekend

There were two women ahead of us playing very slowly.

After 5 holes, I'd had enough, and went ahead to ask if we could play through.

I soon came back with a look of terror on my face, and said it was my wife and my mistress and there was no way I could approach them and ask to play thr...

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, you sick fuck. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a woman who went out of town for the weekend. When she came back, she notified two condoms were missing.

She asked her boyfriend about it, and he said he used them to masturbate.

“Really?” The girlfriend asked. “You use condoms to masturbate?”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “Lots of guys do it.”

The next day at work she was eating lunch with a male coworker.

“Can I ask you something...

I took my son to the space museum last weekend.

They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

What do you call an ant that sells medicines on weekdays and helps a farmer on weekends ?

A farmassistant

Why doesn't God like the weekend?

He's the defender of the week.

We attended a wedding this weekend for Bobby-Joe and Bobby-Ann. It was a beautiful wedding and it just goes to show that...

there’s somebobby for everybobby.

Why do I only lift at the weekend?

Because Monday to Friday are weak days

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A rockstar was telling his mate about all the groupies on the weekend.

Apparently, it was fan-fucking-tastic

Donald Trump invites Obama, George W Bush and Bill Clinton to Mar-a-Lago for a President's weekend.

They decide to play volleyball, Democrats vs Republicans. As they walk to the court, Bush asks Trump, "I gotta ask, why didn't you release your tax returns?" Trump replied, "Well, I was going to eventually, but as the public became more demanding I felt like caving in to that kind of pressure would ...

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