My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner.

“Isn’t it windy?” the first man asks.

​

“No,” says the second, “it’s Thursday.”

​

“Agreed,” says the third man, “let’s go grab a beer.”

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

Peter in church...

In a church one Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex in Antarctica!!!

A man moved to an Antarctica village because of his new job. This village had many men, but no women. After a few days, the man started getting horny.
He asked his boss, "What do you guys do when you're horny here?"
The man told him, "We have a barrel with a hole in it. Here I'll show it to y...

"S-H-I-T"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
<...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

It's Alzheimers day on thursday...

It's Alzheimers day on thursday...

What do you call a fat guy, from New Orleans, that never tells the truth?

A jambo-laya.

Thanks for coming out, I'll be here till Thursday.

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

Two old dears were sat on a bench

"it's windy today!"
"I think it's Thursday... "
" So am I. Let's go get a cup of tea."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Onions on Thursday

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

For those interested in time travel

Meet here last Thursday at 7 PM

What do French people call a really bad Thursday ?

A trajeudi

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.


Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.


Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' ma...

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will b...

In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008.

What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?

She will file for divorce.

And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?

He'll have the White House repainted.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new young monk comes to the monastery.

A new young monk comes to the monastery. An elderly monk shows him around the monastery and says:

- There's a library here. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

They go to the sauna.

- This is our sauna. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

The...

Happy Valentine's Day

Or to most reddit users, happy Thursday...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian fo...

Always give 100% at work

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Friday

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the spirit of Easter I’ve come up with the perfect idea for a date

Go for our last supper of the week on Thursday, nail each other all day Friday so that we can’t walk on Saturday until we rise again on Sunday

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a new guy joins the navy...

And when he gets on his first boat, the captain welcomes him. “What’s up new guy, lemme show u around the ship.” For the next few hours they tour the ship going from bunks to the corridors, everything you can imagine. Eventually the new guy stops him with a question in mind.
He asks, “ Hey, it’s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

new employee

A guy starts a new job. His first day is Wednesday, and does a fantastic job. Same with Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

A new recruit has joined the navy...

A new recruit has joined the navy, and he's being given a tour of the ship. After the tour, the recruit asks the captain...

"But where can I go to pleasure my self?".

So the captain walks the recruit to a room at the back of the ship. The room had a single barrel, with a hole on the si...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.

While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:

“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've started online dating a porn star

I text her to meet up and maybe come back to mine for a little fun.

She said "Yeah sure, I'm working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so how about Friday?"

I'd prefer Monday...

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's with the long face, Joe?

A man walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work. As he steps up to the bar, he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots. He noted that Joe had a frown on his face.

“What’s with the long face, Joe?” he asks. 

Joe responds, “My wife told me today that sh...

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell.

"Don't be scared," said Satan as he led the man around the place.

"We have Music Mondays for you to jam, Tipsy Tuesdays to get drunk, Weed Wednesdays to get high, Thanksgivings Thursdays to eat good ol' delicious stuffed Turkey, Funny Fridays for some comedic relief, as well as Smart Saturday...

Autocorrect sucks! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake...

- "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, suck you and bite you all night!"

- Hahahaha, what did you want to say?

- Thursday

A cowboy walks into a saloon.

He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey. He chugs it down and says "TGIF!". A Mexican walks in, shakes his head, and says "SPIT!". A few minutes go by and the cowboy has downed his third whiskey. He stands up and declares, "TGIF!". The Mexican looks at the cowboy with a puzzled look, "SPIT" he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.

He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly...

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

Peace Mr Gunther.

After a long, tough, life Mr Gunther, born on 21.06.1946 on a beautyfull suny day.
He finally found his peace, he may rest now in peace.

The funeral of his wife will be held on Thursday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

TGIF

I enter the elevator after a long day at work and a very attractive Blonde woman sneaks if after me. I politely smile as she selects her floor.

She smiles back and says to me "TGIF!" to which I politely reply "S-H-I-T".

A very puzzled looks comes upon her face but she once again says ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good man dies and goes to heaven

An angel comes and tells to him :

\- You have been a good guy, welcome to the heaven. Do you like food ?

\- Yes, I love food.

\- It's good for you, because every Monday we eat till the end of the day. Do you like alcohol ?

\- I used to drink.

\- It's good for you, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Dies and Goes to Hell

Upon his arrival, he is furious. He is roaring at the little imps that keep trying to drag him in, and demands to see his record.
Fed up, Satan goes up the man and says "Look, relax, man, it's Hell. We have all the sins down here! Look, you like to gamble, right?"

Flustered, the man resp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.

"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid. You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.

"I am?" the man asks nervously.

"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catfood

So this woman has her bridge club every Thursday night, and after a peaceful game or three with the ladies she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game, she has an incredible hand, when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hitman

A man got word that his wife was cheating on him with one of her work colleagues.
After a little investigating, he found this to be true. They met up every Thursday afternoon in a hotel.

The man was heartbroken.
So much so, that he decided both her and her new man had to go, they had ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe dies and goes to hell, when he is greeted by a demon at the gate..

The demon says "Sup Joe, Welcome to hell my bro! You're gonna love it here!"

Joe responds "But this is Hell, why would I love it here?

The demon replies "well do you like drinking? Yes he loves it he says. Well on mondays we drink the whole day.

Do You like getting high? Love i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and is being greeted by the Devil at the gates of Hell. The Devil says “Welcome to Hell, sir, we’re here 24 hours a day to serve all your hedonistic needs!” The man, perplexed, says “Oh really? I thought Hell was supposed to be a terrible place, where you are punished for all your sins!”

“Oh no, that’s just a big misunderstanding” says the Devil. “Those religious folks just try to keep you scared so you’ll behave, but it’s not like that at all.”
“Oh, well that’s great!” says the man, starting to relax a bit.

“Let me show you around here,” the Devil says, and the two start ...

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

Two friends are traveling through a deafening storm

"SURE IS WINDY TODAY!"

"IT'S THURSDAY!"

"ME TOO! I THINK THERE'S A BAR JUST UP THE ROAD!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd like to brag that after a full year of marriage I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday!

A monastery has a barbecue

It is usually prohibited for monks to eat meat, but the abbot one day realised that most monks had rarely eaten meat in their lifetime in the first place.

He decided that it would better for them to indulge in the taste and then learn to stave of the temptation of later consumption, so that ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

To an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.

"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers...

A Brunette enters an elevator at work with a Blonde

She turns to the blonde and says T.G.I.F.
The blonde responds with S.H.I.T.
She thinks, hmm maybe she didn't hear me and again says T.G.I.F.
The blonde responds again with S.H.I.T.
The brunette is now frustrated with how stupid the blonde is and finally just says thank god its Friday
...

When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender...

...during orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.

So my first Thursday shift arri...

Today, I told my wife I want to be cremated.

She made me an appointment for next Thursday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell...

And he's overcome by desperation, so he breaks down crying. Satan comes along and asks him why he's crying.

"Because I'm in Hell!"

"Aw man, it's not so bad here! Do you enjoy gambling?"

"Well, sure..."

"Monday night is Poker Night here! You'll love it! And are you into dr...

How to be happy in a marriage...

When I got married it was sooo wonderful. My co-workers asked, “How do you stay happy?” Easy I replied, we both go on dates twice a week. We go have a romantic dinner, then listen to music at a dive bar and get our groove on afterwards. “Wow really?” they said. Yea she goes on Tuesdays and I go on ...

Susan and Jack both work at a small company that sells widgets.

Monday morning, their supervisor Bill, finds out there have been budget cuts and he has to let one of them go by Friday.

Bill thinks, “Jeez, this really sucks. Susan and Jack are both excellent employees, they were both hired at the same time so neither has seniority, they’re never late, nev...

My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week

I replied "because it's only Thursday"

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of ...

A guy gets a new job and finds out that his project team plays golf together every Friday morning.

His co-worker says, "Can you join us this Friday?"

He says, "Yes, I'll be there for sure, but I might be ten minutes late."

Friday comes, and he shows up on time. He golfs left-handed, and he wins.

The next Thursday, the co-worker says, "Are you coming tomorrow?"

He says,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man and poor man are at a bar.

A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, 'it's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday.'

The poor man looks astonished, 'it's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?'

The rich man goes, 'I'm getting her a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TGIF elevator

So there is a young lady entering an elevator and there is an old man inside. She started a conversation with "TGIF", the man replied "SHIT".
The woman was confused, "TGIF".
The man replied again with "SHIT"
Fed up the woman says, "Thank god it's Friday"
Man replies "Sorry honey it's Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man dies and finds himself in Hell.

As he is sitting in the waiting lobby the devil walks up to him and they strike up a conversation.

"So what do you do here in Hell anyway?" says the man.

"Well do you like to smoke weed?" answers the devil

"Fuck yes!"

"You are gonna looove Mondays! We all gather together ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asked her students...

A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday.

The first week she asks "how many stars in the galaxy?" No students had the answer.

The next week she asks"how many...

T.G.I.F (NSFW?) (Blonde)

A blonde gets on an elevator and notices a handsome man standing alone. She wants to strike up a conversation, so she says, "T.G.I.F."

The man replies, "S.H.I.T."

Thinking he must not have heard her correctly, the blonde repeats, "T.G.I.F."

Again, the man replies, "S.H.I.T."...

My impression of 2 old nearly deaf guys at the park sitting on a bench together.

Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.

Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!

Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First Week (NSFW)

It was John's first day on the ship and he was visibly excited. He had dreamed for years of being accepted into the Navy and now his dreams were coming true. His Commanding Officer welcomed him aboard and began to show him around the ship.

John learned where he would be eating, sleeping, and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New inmate at prison.

A new inmate arrives at prison and he is visibly scared and nervous when he is approached by a veteran inmate.

"Hey man, it's not so bad here. Let me ask you something, do you like movies?"

"Yeah, I like movies."

"Great! Every Monday we have a movie night. Let me ask you some...