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A man dies and goes to hell...

He is standing there terrified when the devil shows up.

“Don’t be so scared” says the devil. “Hell isnt all that bad. Here I’ll give you an example. Do you like gambling?”

“Sure” says the man.

“Well Monday is casino day in hell” says the devil. “We have all the games and you can...

What do the French call a terrible Thursday?

A trajeudi

I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning.

None of them turnip.

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Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

Think Thursday is depressing? Wait two days

It’ll be sadder day then

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Thesaurus' crashed on the highway last Thursday.

According to the Daily news, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, horrified, numbed, and perplexed that items falling off ...

Man comes home early from work on a Thursday and finds his wife in bed with his friend.

He shoots em both dead and ends up in jail. While in jail his best friend comes to visit him and console him. His friend tells him:

"Damn Fred its a wonderful thing you caught this mf in bed with you're wife"

Fred responds "How can you say that man 2 people are dead and im in jail"...

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I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

Tonight on Thursday Night Football, the stadium was 25% full of fans.

Turns out they didn’t actually have any Covid policies in place. That’s just the kind of turnout you get when it’s the Bengals and the Browns.

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase smoe see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

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A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

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A company hires a new employee....

A company hires a new employee. The boss meets him on his first day, looks him over and decides that he's going to be a good worker.

And he was right. Starting on Monday, the new employee finished all his tasks in record time. The boss was impressed. On Tuesday he did the same. Wednesday cam...

The Wrong E-mail Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel
schedules. It w...

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

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My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

British joke from author P.G. Wodehouse (1920s)

Chap goes up to deaf chap outside an exhibition and says, “Is this Wembley?”
“Hey?” says the deaf chap.
“Is this Wembley?” says the chap.
“Hey?” says the deaf chap.
“Is this Wembley? Says the chap.
“No, Thursday,” says the chap.

I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.

He was as good as his word. The funeral is Thursday.

I’ve decided I’ll be cremated.

My appointment is 10am on Thursday.

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down aft...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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NSFW

So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel wil...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

My Irish stepfather was a master story teller. He told the Wembley joke differently than what I've seen online.

Excuse me, is this Wembley?
No it's Thursday.
So am I let's have one.

He paid particular attention to the beat changes in this story. At the end of each line (the beat) he would change voices. Each line was a different voice/character. He told the story as if it was a fast paced con...

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Condom packaging

Do you know why high schoolers buy condoms in 2 packs?
.
No?
.
For Friday night and Saturday night.

Do you now why college kids buy condoms in 4 packs?
.
No?
.
For Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday
.
.
Do you know why married men buy c...

Customer service

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait...

hard to find coins, hard to find killer...

A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.

Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

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A captain was showing a sailor around the ship

The captain says “here is where you sleep. Make sure to keep your side clean as the pope” the sailor says “yes sir” and they move on. The captain shows the sailor the ammunition room and says “if you’re thinking of suicide don’t come in here. We have cameras everywhere understand?” The sailor says “...

Three old men are out for a walk

The first says "Windy isn't it?"

The second replies "No it's not, it's Thursday"

The third then says "Yeah, so am I. Let's go get a drink"

A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.

The bartender looks at him quizzically and says “Mate. Why the hell do you have a pineapple on your head?!” The man answers “Oh, it’s ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays.” The bartender says “But it’s Thursday...” Upon hearing this the man’s face changes to a look of abject horror a...

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There's a reason why condoms come in packets of 6, 9 and 12

It's because they're meant to accommodate men around the world.

The packet of 6 is for the religious men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, never on a Sunday.

The packet of 9 is for those really amorous men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on ...

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NSFW (language) A blonde woman walks into an elevator...

There is a man already inside so she tries to start a convo with him.

She says to him “TGIF” .

And he responds nonchalantly “SHIT”.

The woman is confused by this and decides to try again by stating “TGIF”.

But the mans response is the same: “SHIT”.

Now she’s getti...

Three old friends are walking on a beach, when one turns slightly to the group and says:

„It‘s windy today!“

„No, it‘s Thursday!“ replies the one walking in the middle, looking a bit confused.

„So am I! Let‘s have a beer.“ adds the third one

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays?

A one that died on Thursday...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

It's Alzheimers day on thursday...

It's Alzheimers day on thursday...

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Sailor went to sea

A sailor, newly qualified, joins a ship on a long sea voyage. And he asks the first mate what they do for fun. The first mate says "we have a barrel with a hole in it, and everyone gets to stick his dick inside. Have a go". So the sailor tries it and it's an amazing feeling. Ecstatically he says to ...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

I have enough money to set me for life...

If I die next Thursday.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

If I had the option to transform into any animal for just one day,

I'd choose Thursday.

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Onions on Thursday

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she...

I started having an affair with a married woman.

As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.

Unfortunately, the husband ...

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

Blonde walks into an elevator

She sees her co worker Steve & says "TGIF". Steve has a puzzled look on his face and replies "NSIT". Ever more puzzled the blonde replies "TGIF, thank God it's Friday". Steve then says "NSIT, no stupid it's Thursday"

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

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A husband and wife go to a sex therapist. "Our sex life seems kind of dull."

The therapist says, "Okay, first of all, how often do you have sex?" The husband says, "Once a week." The therapist says, "That's not bad at all. When and where do you usually do it?" The wife says, "Every Thursday night, 8:00, doggie style in front of the TV." The therapist says, "Well that might b...

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

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An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.

“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.

The rookie looks him in the the eye.

“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.

“Yeah just ...

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

Weekend

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He answered, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain....

Pit Bull at the Funeral

A guy is walking down the street and sees a massive funeral procession. At the front of the line is a man with a pit bull, then 2 coffins, followed by 200 people. Curious, he asks the man what happened.

"Well," says the man, "My pitbull killed my wife last Thursday, then on Friday, he killed ...

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

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A man get a job in the coldest part of Antarctica...

He's been there for a few weeks when he builds up the courage to ask about the lack of women situation.

One of the guys tells him, "yeah don't worry. We got you. After work, follow me I'll show you. "

The two men walk to a absolutely nightmarish cold wasteland area with a black barr...

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Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian fo...

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He...

Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner.

“Isn’t it windy?” the first man asks.



“No,” says the second, “it’s Thursday.”



“Agreed,” says the third man, “let’s go grab a beer.”

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse” next Thursday.

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On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

The sign says “Shoes repaired while you wait”

The guy walks in and the shoemaker says they’ll be ready Thursday ...

I thought you said while I wait?

The shoemaker replies...

“If you you want to wait, wait!”

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi...

...for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I woul...

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008.

What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?

She will file for divorce.

And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?

He'll have the White House repainted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

They start talking to each other about their jobs and someone raises the question of how they prepare their new trainees for the worst part of the job.

The rabbi says, “celibacy is the worst part of the job, so all new r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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