What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

a trajeudi

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

If you think Thursday is depressing wait 2 days.

It will be a sadder day

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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A restaurant owners walks down the street and hears a homeless guy playing a guitar

He’s stunned by how beautiful his song is. It’s amazing; serene, gentle and uplifting.

He decides he wants to have the homeless guy play in his restaurant so he approaches him and asks for the name of the song.

The homeless guy tells him the song is called ‘Big Titty Mama’.

The...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

I know a guy in my neighborhood who came home from work one day and caught his best friend in the hall with his wife

He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em.

Next morning, his friend went down to the jail

He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard, it could have been worse"

Fred said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?" Man, two people dead. I might get the electric chair. You tell me it could...

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

Whenever I'm with someone who is texting, I try to look away cuz I want to respect his privacy.

Also, it's just none of my business if he wanna see Sophia and grab some dinner before going to see a movie this Thursday cuz they haven't seen each other in 3 weeks.

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A man get a job in the coldest part of Antarctica...

He's been there for a few weeks when he builds up the courage to ask about the lack of women situation.

One of the guys tells him, "yeah don't worry. We got you. After work, follow me I'll show you. "

The two men walk to a absolutely nightmarish cold wasteland area with a black barr...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

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A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

They start talking to each other about their jobs and someone raises the question of how they prepare their new trainees for the worst part of the job.

The rabbi says, “celibacy is the worst part of the job, so all new r...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelme...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

Pit Bull at the Funeral

A guy is walking down the street and sees a massive funeral procession. At the front of the line is a man with a pit bull, then 2 coffins, followed by 200 people. Curious, he asks the man what happened.

"Well," says the man, "My pitbull killed my wife last Thursday, then on Friday, he killed ...

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An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.

“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.

The rookie looks him in the the eye.

“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.

“Yeah just ...

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

A Minnesota couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following ...

Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

It's Alzheimers day on thursday...

It's Alzheimers day on thursday...

Peter in church...

In a church one Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you...

Three old guys are taking a walk...

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse” next Thursday.

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A man moves to Alaska...

He was offered a new job on a remote site in the cold wilderness. After a few weeks he is getting pretty bored and ask one of his coworkers was there anything to do for fun there for which he replied, "meet me after work I'll show you how we get our kicks here"
He meets him in a cold barren ice...

The sign says “Shoes repaired while you wait”

The guy walks in and the shoemaker says they’ll be ready Thursday ...

I thought you said while I wait?

The shoemaker replies...

“If you you want to wait, wait!”

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He...

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

Three old men in a car

Three old men are in a car on their way to see a tennis match.

After a couple of hours of driving, the first man asks, "Is this Wembley?"

The second man says, "No, it's Thursday."

The third man says, "So am I, let's stop and get a drink!"

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Onions on Thursday

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she...

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner.

“Isn’t it windy?” the first man asks.



“No,” says the second, “it’s Thursday.”



“Agreed,” says the third man, “let’s go grab a beer.”

One day in a Detroit Church...

A priest asks if anyone has a disability that needs to be prayed for.

A man steps up, “I need help with my hearing!”

The priest prays his heart out for him, a hand on each ear. Once he is finished he asks, “How is your hearing now?”

The man responds, “I don’t know, it’s on Thurs...

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

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Little Johnny walk into a coffee shop

And asks the attractive young server for a coffee. When she brings it out he looks at her, points to the coffee and says, "Maam, please p-i-s-s", spelling out the last word.

Offended at this, the server asks him to leave. While walking out he turns around and says "Bye c-u-n-t", again spellin...

How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

According to my bank account I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Assuming I die on Thursday.

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On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

A man comes home early from a business trip on a Friday morning and find his wife in bed with one of his friends

He shoots and kills both of them and goes to prison. A few days later one of his other friends goes to visit him in jail and his buddy says, “Hey man, it could have been worse!”

The man says, “Could of been worse?!? I’m in jail about to be on death row and in the electric chair. How in the he...

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008.

What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?

She will file for divorce.

And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?

He'll have the White House repainted.

For those interested in time travel

Meet here last Thursday at 7 PM

Happy Valentine's Day

Or to most reddit users, happy Thursday...

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Not Going to Like Thursday

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian fo...

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A new young monk comes to the monastery.

A new young monk comes to the monastery. An elderly monk shows him around the monastery and says:

- There's a library here. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

They go to the sauna.

- This is our sauna. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

The...

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

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Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

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What's with the long face, Joe?

A man walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work. As he steps up to the bar, he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots. He noted that Joe had a frown on his face.

“What’s with the long face, Joe?” he asks. 

Joe responds, “My wife told me today that sh...

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I've started online dating a porn star

I text her to meet up and maybe come back to mine for a little fun.

She said "Yeah sure, I'm working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so how about Friday?"

I'd prefer Monday...

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My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

A cowboy walks into a saloon.

He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey. He chugs it down and says "TGIF!". A Mexican walks in, shakes his head, and says "SPIT!". A few minutes go by and the cowboy has downed his third whiskey. He stands up and declares, "TGIF!". The Mexican looks at the cowboy with a puzzled look, "SPIT" he ...

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

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[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest

He *hated* the English. His favorite fire and brimstone line was "...and you'd go to Hell with the English!" He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.

Well, the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week when Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions, and he...

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife th...

A new recruit has joined the navy...

A new recruit has joined the navy, and he's being given a tour of the ship. After the tour, the recruit asks the captain...

"But where can I go to pleasure my self?".

So the captain walks the recruit to a room at the back of the ship. The room had a single barrel, with a hole on the si...

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.

While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:

“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the st...

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Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They...

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George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

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A man dies and goes to hell.

"Don't be scared," said Satan as he led the man around the place.

"We have Music Mondays for you to jam, Tipsy Tuesdays to get drunk, Weed Wednesdays to get high, Thanksgivings Thursdays to eat good ol' delicious stuffed Turkey, Funny Fridays for some comedic relief, as well as Smart Saturday...

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So a new guy joins the navy...

And when he gets on his first boat, the captain welcomes him. “What’s up new guy, lemme show u around the ship.” For the next few hours they tour the ship going from bunks to the corridors, everything you can imagine. Eventually the new guy stops him with a question in mind.
He asks, “ Hey, it’s...

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The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.

He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly...

Autocorrect sucks! Look what I've sent to somebody in the office by mistake...

- "Next Tuesday I'll lick you, suck you and bite you all night!"

- Hahahaha, what did you want to say?

- Thursday

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Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

TGIF

I enter the elevator after a long day at work and a very attractive Blonde woman sneaks if after me. I politely smile as she selects her floor.

She smiles back and says to me "TGIF!" to which I politely reply "S-H-I-T".

A very puzzled looks comes upon her face but she once again says ...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk...

A guy is moving out of New York City, and begins cleaning out his home desk. He's a bit of a packrat, and after thirty years, he's accumulated a lot of papers. As he's going through the papers, he notices an old, yellowed receipt.

"Lustowitz Shoe Repair" it says at the top. He dimly remembers...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.

"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid. You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.

"I am?" the man asks nervously.

"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being ...

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