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Afternoon Jokes

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

A brunette housewife is chatting with her blonde friend on a Friday afternoon...

Brunette: "My husband came home today with a dozen red roses, that means I'm going to have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air."

Blonde: "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

I spent the afternoon walking around with my fly wide open

I finally realised it after I caught a girl dressing me with her eyes

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

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Four older ladies were playing bridge at Rose’s house one afternoon.

Rose’s husband walks in the door.

“Hello dear.”

“Hello dear,” she responds.

He slowly makes his way over to the table table and Rose unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker, giving it a gentle kiss before putting it back again.

He zips up his pants and walks away while th...

I spent the afternoon by my wife's grave...

...she thinks it's going to be a fish pond

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In the afternoon, a housewife was taking a break from housework.

Feeling horny, she pleasured herself with her vibrator.

Suddenly she heard someone open the front door. She quickly hid the vibrator and pulled up her pants.

It was her husband.

Her: "Honey, why are you coming home from work so early?"

Him: "I've been laid off. They don't...

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A vicar was visiting one of his parishioners one afternoon, but when he knocked on the door there was no answer although he thought he caught a glimpse of her through the frosted glass.

So he wrote on a postcard "Revelation 3:20" >!Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone opens to me, I will come in !<and went home.

Later he heard his postbox rattle, but when he went, there was no-one at the door, only his card from earlier on which was now written "Genesis 3:1...

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Life in a nursing home

An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.

On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without...

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Golf

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the...

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd ...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”
Her husband smiled. “Oh, I have a feeling you’ll know later tonight.” he said with a wink.
His wife squealed with joy. That evening, the man came home w...

- Good afternoon. How much is this torture device?

\-Sir, that's a wedding ring

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A lofty gentleman and his caddy partake on a round of golf on a fine afternoon.

Everything is going leisurely and the man tees off; he hits it brilliantly and it lands on the green, a very short distance from the hole. The caddy puts the wood in the bag and they both walk down to the green.

When they get there, the ball isn't there. "I swear it landed here. You saw it to...

A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.

The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’

The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’

‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’.
Satisfied, the wife apologised to her hu...

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

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Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are chilling one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests:
“Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!”

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting.

“One… Two… Three…”

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter sq...

A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice

and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

Mommy and Daddy rabbit were enjoying a splendid afternoon in the woods.

Suddenly, the sound of hunting dogs shattered their idyllic time together. They ran for their lives. The dogs were relentless. Finally the two terrified bunnies took shelter in a hollow log. The dogs had them trapped. The situation seemed hopeless.
Daddy looked at Mommy and said "Well, we'll ju...

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the night?

a schizophrenic cripple without a leg...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"



Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,...

A bereaved widow goes to view her husband's body in the mortuary....

The mortuary assistant opens the casket, and bows his head solemnly. Upon seeing her husband, the widow starts crying huge tears and wailing loudly. The assistant quickly moves to comfort her.

Still wailing, the widow explains that she can't bear to see her husband wearing a suit. In life he ...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. ...

Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft r...

A Cowboy Buys a Horse (long)

A cowboy decided to buy a horse from the preacher. As the money changed hands, the preacher warned him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands. To get him to run, you must say ‘Hallelujah!’ And to make him stop say ‘Amen’. The cowboy thanked him and the preacher lef...

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

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Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"


The old timer nods knowingly a...

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school

and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

Emo Phillips

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A man goes into the confessional at church one afternoon...

“Father, I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain, today.”

“My son, that’s a very egregious sin. Perhaps you could tell me the circumstances that led up to this.”

“Well, Father, I was golfing this morning- on the 16th green, two under par, when I chipped off into the rough.”
...

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)

One day at Macy's...

The store manager was giving final instruction to the new sales clerk before sending him out onto the floor for the first time.

Said the manager to the clerk, “The most important thing to remember is that we NEVER tell a customer that we don’t have it. Times are tough, and we can’t afford to ...

Mark Twain at a dinner at the Author's Club, said:

Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.

'Good aftern...

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My first joke here.

A woman goes to an expensive carpet store in hopes of purchasing a new area rug.She spots a beautiful rug after a few minutes of searching and goes to check it out.As she bends down to touch the rug she accidentally rips a silent but deadly fart.
A salesman notices her from afar and comes to assi...

Hobby farm (long)

A city couple, Jim and Fiona bought a small farm to retire on, complete with four cows, but no bull. They wanted the cows to have calves, but couldn’t justify the expense of buying a bull when they only had four cows. As luck would have it, the farmer down the road ran a stud and had prize bulls. Ji...

I've stopped having naps on a Sunday afternoon. Naps are for the weak.

Not the weekend.

I spend the mornings in my rocking chair, and in the afternoon I go out in my wheelchair.

I’ve got a real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

An ambulance was called to a local restaurant this afternoon.

When the paramedics walked in, the saw two men on the floor having seizures. The paramedics split up, each going to one of the men. Suddenly, both men stopped their convulsing. The paramedics asked if they were all right.

"Oh, we're fine. We both have epilepsy, but we don't let it interfere w...

Doctor: the time of death is 1250.

Well, the patient is not dead yet, but it's Friday afternoon and if we leave now we can beat the traffic.

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Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

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A family father was disrupted by the doorbell one afternoon...

He opened the door and saw a young man smiling at him.

"Hello!" he said. "I am Tobias and I am here to fuck your daughter!"

"To WHAT?" the man yelled.

The man -still smiling- replied "Tobias"

A prosthetic technician got bored one afternoon...

Sitting at his desk while working on a replacement ear for a patient, the technician decided to play around with the molds and shapes.

Finding entertainment in making small animals, his supervisor arrived to inspect his progress.

The technician asked, "what do you think about my litt...

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what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

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At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.



She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"

I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."

So a man walks into a coffee house late in the afternoon and asks for a tall drink with 4 shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk.

The barista looks at him lightly concerned and she says,

Are you sure sir? That’s a latte coffee.

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps th...

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I had to get on the ladder to change a lightbulb in the garage this afternoon.

You could say it was the high light of my day.

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

One afternoon, A Viking called Rudolph was looking out his window when he suddenly said , “ It’s going to rain in seven minutes.” His wife asked, “How do you know?”

His response:” Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

A bartender's slow afternoon is interrupted by the sudden clatter of the door being pushed open by a man in a big hurry.

The man is clearly distraught. In between deep breaths, he manages to say, "Quick, barkeep... I need four shots of... (*gasp gasp*)... your best whiskey... (*gasp gasp*)... Hurry, please!"

The bartender spring into action, and within two shakes of a lamb's tail, he has four shots of his top-s...

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One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.

He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?

Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing t...

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely s...

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening

The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

The Barbies

Few days before Christmas the father of a lovely 9yo girls goes to best you shop in town. He walks the lanes untill he finds a nice girl and asks her for help.

Dad: good afternoon. Please, can you help me choosing a Barbie doll for my daughter?

Shop assistant (SA): Sure Sir! How much w...

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A tourist in Madrid goes into a restaurant and orders the special

The waiter brings it, and he asks what it is.

"These are cojones, Signor."

"What are cojones?"

"These are the testicles of the bull, the one which lost the bullfight in the arena this afternoon. They're very good."

So he tries them, and they are very good. He finishes the...

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###

I couldn't believe it.


I was in tears.


I could never trust her again.


I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.


Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.


I said, "bad dog".

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"...

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A man came home from work one afternoon.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with ...

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to ...

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A husband and wife of want to spice up their stale sex life.

They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a...

Robert called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner

*"Hello?"* said a little girl's voice.


*"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"* said Robert. *"Is mommy near the phone?"*


*"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."* After a brief pause, he said, *"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"*

*"Yes I do. He's upsta...

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

A man left for work one Friday afternoon.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Fin...

The school bully asked me if I wanted to pick a fight with him

So I showed up to his house later that day and picked the Conor McGregor vs. Khatib fight and we watched it all afternoon

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I was talking a walk this afternoon when, out of nowhere, the pavement started viciously attacking me.

Fucking psycho path

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?""Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly ...

One afternoon at the paddle boat hire hut...

"Come in number nine. Your time is up."

"Umm...we only have eight paddle boats."

"Number six? Are you experiencing difficulties?"

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit...

...it’s a date.

Weathermen in my area are warning of purple rain this afternoon

And later on in the evening it looks like there will be some violet storms moving in.

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

I was digging in my garden this afternoon and found a chest full of gold coins, I immediately ran in to tell my wife about it

But then I realized why I was digging a hole in the first place...

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A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand,...

Poker joke for you

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress:
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ta...

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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

Joke from my old pastor

A preacher, a kid, a doctor, and a lawyer all went on an afternoon plane ride


About an hour in the plane begins to feel turbulence and after a few minutes the pilot comes back and says "there's nothing I can do we're going down" so he grabs a parachute and he jumps


The doctor h...

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

Three couples were having afternoon tea

The first husband looks at his wife and says “Can you pass the sugar, sugar?”

The second husband looks at his wife and says “Can you pass the honey, honey?”

The third wife gets all giddy and expectantly looks at her husband, waiting for his remark. He turns to look at her and s...

How Grandpa made $25,000 in one afternoon...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling...

My Take on a Classic Joke:

One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer. When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"
Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the F...

A baker decided to bake some muffins the afternoon

The baker was making some chocolate chip muffins for her and her one friend, after some time she putted the muffins into the oven and set to bake.

after several minutes,

the one muffin said: Good Grief it's hot in here!

the other muffin said: Good Grief, a talking muffin!?

The Electric Bus

It’s a new day in the world of public school transportation as the fleet has been switched over to electric powered buses. Everything has been working out wonderfully except for ongoing issues with bus 118.

Not every day, but at least once a week, bus 118 would be out on it’s run when there ...

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"

The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.

The Man is sitti...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?

Do you want some tea, Rex.

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

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Pavlov sits in his house on a Saturday afternoon, drinking his tea.

When someone rings the doorbell.
He stands up quickly.
"I have to feed the dog!"

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

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"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon"

There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following d...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led an attorney, a doctor and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask each if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The attorney wishes to face the sky. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the attor...

I spent most of my afternoon hanging out at the swimming pool...

...and then someone told me and I tucked it back in again.

Accidents keep happening consistently at 12:12 in the afternoon.

Dammit noon noon

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

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