I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed,he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man,‟Why are you eating grass?”

‟We do not have any money for food,” the poor man replied. ‟We have to eat grass.”

‟Well,then,you cn come with me to my house and I‘ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
...

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A man goes into the confessional at church one afternoon...

“Father, I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain, today.”

“My son, that’s a very egregious sin. Perhaps you could tell me the circumstances that led up to this.”

“Well, Father, I was golfing this morning- on the 16th green, two under par, when I chipped off into the rough.”
...

Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school

and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

Emo Phillips

I had to get on the ladder to change a lightbulb in the garage this afternoon.

You could say it was the high light of my day.

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

Three couples were having afternoon tea

The first husband looks at his wife and says “Can you pass the sugar, sugar?”

The second husband looks at his wife and says “Can you pass the honey, honey?”

The third wife gets all giddy and expectantly looks at her husband, waiting for his remark. He turns to look at her and s...

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

Weathermen in my area are warning of purple rain this afternoon

And later on in the evening it looks like there will be some violet storms moving in.

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

A man was driving home late one afternoon......

He was driving above the speed limit, when a police car suddenly came up in his rearview mirror sirens blaring. The man thought he would outpace it, so he pushed the accelerator to the floor and raced on. The two cars raced for some time, the speed rising to sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, then the ...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

After leaving left work Friday afternoon Mike stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.

When he finally came home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied “That wou...

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Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

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The high school student spent most of his afternoons in the basement mixing chemicals.

One day his father went
down lo find his son surrounded by racks of
test tubes and pounding something into the
wall. "Danny, don't put nails in the wall," his
father admonished.
"It's not a nail, Dad' the young man explained. "It's a worm. I found a formula that
turns things as har...

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Pavlov sits in his house on a Saturday afternoon, drinking his tea.

When someone rings the doorbell.
He stands up quickly.
"I have to feed the dog!"

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###

I couldn't believe it.


I was in tears.


I could never trust her again.


I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.


Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.


I said, "bad dog".

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

I spent most of my afternoon hanging out at the swimming pool...

...and then someone told me and I tucked it back in again.

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening

The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

A guy walks into a bar at 4:30 one afternoon.

He's enjoying his drink and talking with the bartender.

At 4:57 the bartender looks at the clock and says, "Damn. I lost track of the time, I gotta get busy." The bartender quickly makes a drink and sets it on the bar.

Precisely at 5:00 pm, a well-dressed man walks into the bar, ...

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely s...

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

One afternoon, A Viking called Rudolph was looking out his window when he suddenly said , “ It’s going to rain in seven minutes.” His wife asked, “How do you know?”

His response:” Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

For me everday is cake day

And sometimes cake morning
And cake afternoon
And cake evening


I just like cake

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

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The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the ...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolv...

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My wife said I had to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I spent my afternoon crashing the car, burning the dinner and ignoring her all night for no fucking reason.

A member of the Soviet Union wants to buy a car

The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.

“Morning or afternoon?'' the purchaser asks.

“Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer...

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A woman goes to her new gynaecologist and he says "My, what a big vagina you have!..."

"what did you say?" she replies


"Why it's the biggest I've ever seen!"


She stands up, slaps him around the face, storms out of the office, drives home, grabs the big mirror off the wall, sets it on the ground, pulls down her underwear and stands over to see for herself. ...

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road one day, and spies a farmhouse with a pig sty just off the front porch.

Finding this to be a little odd, he slows down to take a closer look, and sees a single, well cared-for pig in the sty. Odder still, on closer inspection, he sees that the pig has one wooden leg.

Consumed with curiosity, he heads up the driveway to the farmer's home, hops out of his car, and ...

I was digging in my garden this afternoon and found a chest full of gold coins, I immediately ran in to tell my wife about it

But then I realized why I was digging a hole in the first place...

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on t...

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

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Two scoucers are sitting having a pint one afternoon in a pub on the banks of the Mersey.

A beautiful woman walks in, looks around, taps one of them on the shoulder and whispers in his ear "do you want a blowjob".

He stops drinking, puts his pint down, turns to look at her, then picks her up carries her outside and chucks her in the river.

A few moments after returning to t...

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Old Jewish man

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.


He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"


"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.


He turns around, runs ar...

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A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

No one tells you how dangerous stargazing can be.

I did it all afternoon and now I think I’m blind.

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

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Stalin wakes up one morning and walks to his balcony to see the sun rise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

Lost in translation

This joke is for anyone who has ever spent any time in Nigeria...

The lady of the house is having a dinner party and tells the steward (kitchen helper) “I’m going out shopping. Please chop all these vegetables for me by the time I get back.”

She gets back later that afternoon to find t...

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

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A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits

So he went up to the school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him", she suggested. That afternoon after school she asked the
boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into....

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

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The Party

After his divorce, Jeff rented a cabin in Montana for the summer to write his first novel. He got up each morning, made coffee, and would go outside and sit by a stream before going back in and writing all day. One August afternoon he was startled by a knock on the door.

“Hey,” said the man....

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say

‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The ...

Donald and Melania Trump walk into a restaurant

They sit at a table and peruse the menu, and the waiter comes over.

“Good afternoon, can I take your order please?”

“Can I have the chocolate fudge dessert, and Melania will have the sorbet”

“Just desserts Mr President?”

“Yes, Just Desserts”

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?

Do you want some tea, Rex.

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A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turn...

I'm like a November afternoon ...

Short, not very bright, and I finish too soon.

An illiterate man and Albert Einstein are sitting together on the train.

Einstein: Let's play a game to pass some time. I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. If I can't answer a question from you, I'll give you $50.

Illiterate man: I'll go first. What has 3 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 8 legs at night?

Ein...

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One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.

He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?

Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing t...

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

A man stepped out of his house to go for his afternoon walk when he noticed his neighbor had two black eyes...

"Whatn' hell happened to you Frank?"

"Well, I was in church last Sunday and I noticed a lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns so being the gentleman I am I reached down and pulled the dress free and she turned around and hit me between the eyes"he replied.

The neighbor...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

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Costco Parking Lot Advice

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steel your wallet.

Now...

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot.. Can you run down to the deli and pick up some snails for me"

The man dutifully agrees and walks down to the deli and gets a box of snails. On the way b...

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I was talking a walk this afternoon when, out of nowhere, the pavement started viciously attacking me.

Fucking psycho path

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Applying for a sales position

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:

\- Do you have sales experience?

\- Yes sir, I worked selling clothes.

The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

\- Come to work tomorrow at 9 AM. You'll work al...

Did you know every president since Eisenhower has had a daily briefing every morning six days a week?

The only exception was Reagan, who would usually soil himself in the afternoon and require a second pair.

Two hobos...

were walking down a set of railroad tracks one hot afternoon when they walk up on a dead animal. The first hobo says " alright! something to eat, I haven't eaten in days. Are you going to join me? There is plenty to go around" the second hobo politely declines.

After the first hobo has his f...

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A man came home from work one afternoon.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with ...

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Sex after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... ...

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoo...

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The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

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Three men have died and are at heaven's gate in front of Saint Peter

^((I only heard it in German, hope I translated it ok))

Saint Peter says "I'm sorry, we're a little short on space here, so we have a new policy. We only let people in who died in an interesting way." He then points to the first man and asks "so, how did you die?"

The first man starts,...

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

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A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he
did that afternoon.

Son: "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son....

Son: "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house wat...

Four Karens are sitting in a restaurant...

A waitress comes up to their table and says "Good afternoon ladies, is anything alright?"

The doctors think I might have cancer, and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow afternoon.

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

A farmer gives his wife some instructions

He was about to leave for a big farming convention in the big city.

He tells his wife, “A man will come in today to artificially inseminate one of our cows, I marked which one he needs to work on with a nail”

His wife nods.

Satisfied she understood the instructions, he went to t...

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A rich business man suspected his wife of cheating

So he hired a shady private investigator to confirm his suspicions. One afternoon while at work he gets a call from the PI to meet him top of a high rise building. He immediately rushes there. Once there the PI hands him a pair of binoculars and points across the street at the neighbouring high rise...

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to ...

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So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early...

...and he catches his wife in bed with another man.

In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.

He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.

The next day when his best friends visits ...

Accidents keep happening consistently at 12:12 in the afternoon.

Dammit noon noon

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden.

Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?”


To which the mother replies, “Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you ...

A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard.

He wound down his window and said "Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?" to which the boy replied "If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!"

Two old Jewish men are on their afternoon walk

On their route is a Catholic church. There's a sign out the front that says "Convert to Catholicism - takes 2 hours, get $200".

The first guy says "What the hell. We're retired - I've got nothing better to do, and $200 is $200!"

So in he goes. 2 hours later he comes back out. The seco...

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

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The Joke

So there I was, right in the middle of this Wedding, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I’ve been to many weddings before, but this particular one I will never forget...

As I closely paid attention to the soon to be man and wife, a joke that I heard the day before randomly crossed my mind. The ...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Robert called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner

"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.


*"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"* said Robert. *"Is mommy near the phone?"*


"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, he said, *"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"*

"Yes I do. He's upsta...

A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...

A guy is tending bar at a local pub one afternoon...

And a guy walks in with a fried egg on his head. He sits at the bar and orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

Next day around the same time, the same guys comes in - fried egg on his head - orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

This goes on for about a week. The guy with the ...

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A prostitution ring gets busted one afternoon.

As all of the girls were lined up outside the police station to get booked, one of the girls noticed her grandma walking by, who came up to her and said, “Why Hello?! What are you waiting in line for dear?”

The prostitute, embarrassed, lies and says she’s waiting in line for an orange stand,...

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

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Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

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Best Coldwater can do

A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and...

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My grandfather told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

Plane is about to take off, and the people are all taken their seats.The captain starts up the plane, and announces to the crew ,"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking. We will be flying at thirty-nine thousand feet on our flight from Atlanta to London. We are expecti...

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So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert

When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inqu...

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The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

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A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.

The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders th...

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Three southern belles....

Muffy, Tiffy, and Blanche we’re sitting out on the veranda one afternoon, discussing their anniversaries.

Muffy: ‘for my anniversary, mah husband gave me a spa trip to Arizona.’

Tiffy and Blanche: ‘how nice, how nice!’

Tiffy: ‘for mah anniversary, my husband gave me a trip to Pa...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon...

Einstein is bored, so he suggests a game of hide and seek and pretends to be "It". The others agree, so Einstein begins counting, "One...Two...Three.."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid sized square. He finishes an...

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

A zookeeper is driving a truck full of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down, and the mechanic says it will take most of the day to fix. The zookeeper sees a bus, and say to the bus driver "I'll give you $100 to take my penguins to the zoo."

The bus driver agrees, and the penguins are put on the bus.

Later that afternoon, the truck is fixe...

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

An elderly woman was watching tv one afternoon

There was a story on the news about a driver on the freeway driving the wrong way

She knew her husband was going to the store, so she called him

“Dear be careful, there is a car on the freeway driving the wrong way!”

“One!?, There’s hundreds of them!”

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

You know that feeling you get in the middle of the afternoon when you're really sleepy and tired..

There's a nap for that

What weighs 100 pounds in the morning, one ton in the afternoon, and 2 pounds at night?

A Portuguese man's wife.


"Do the laundry you witch!" he yells at her in the morning.

"Wash the dishes you cow!" he yells at her in the afternoon.

"Come to bed my little dove," he whispers to her at night.


Translation might be slightly off as it's an old Brasilian ...

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A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street on a Friday afternoon

When the brunette sees her boyfriend buying a dozen roses. She turns to the blonde and says, “Oh shit! That’s my boyfriend.”

The blonde says, “So?”

The brunette says, “So every time he buys me flowers he expects me to lie on my back with my legs in the air all weekend.”

The blon...

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Little birds

A little girl was walking by the shore when she see a nude man laying in a chair. Out of curiosity, she pointed at his penis and asked “ mister, mister what is that?” . He replied “ that is my little bird. Now go away so I can take my afternoon nap “.

Four hour later, the man wake up from hi...

Chunks

My friend was just promoted at his job, so he wanted to go celebrate at the bar. Being the good friend, I said: "Sure, I'll be the designated driver and you can drink as much as you want!" He drank and drank and drank all night long! When he was barely able to stand up and walk, I decided it's t...

How Grandpa made $25,000 in one afternoon...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling...

I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.

It's just been one Thing after another.

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.

It was a good run.

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