A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man sa...

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

Why is sunday stronger than monday ?

Because monday is a weekday.

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Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

My wife gives me head every Monday.

She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.

People say its a Case of the Mondays

Tuesday is when you realize it's a preexisting condition

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

A man is walking home from work on Monday, when he sees an old man talking to a young man.

The old man says “did you know I’m psychic?”. The young man of course doesn’t believe this, and demands proof. Nearby, a child is walking towards a store. The old man says “watch this. I predict that child will look in the window of the store, then turn around and go back home”. The young man bets 2...

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday

Everyone will be looking for windows.

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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to...

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

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It’s Monday morning Show and Tell in Mrs. Brown’s kindergarten class.

She asks the class what they did over the weekend.

Timmy raises his hand, “I rode on the choo-choo!” Mrs. Brown shakes her head and corrects him, “No, Timmy. You rode a TRAIN. Remember class, we don’t use baby words anymore. We use grown-up words when we talk about things.”

Susie thin...

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

Buyer : **Orders mixtapes from a store on Monday**

Seller: Come pick these up to on Friday, they will be ready by then.
Buyer: ok see ya then!
Friday rolls around
Buyer: **walks into store to the front desk** So are the mixtapes ready yet?
Seller : yup here you go **hands over a box full of them**
Buyer: Than- Wait these are not the...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He is standing there terrified when the devil shows up.

“Don’t be so scared” says the devil. “Hell isnt all that bad. Here I’ll give you an example. Do you like gambling?”

“Sure” says the man.

“Well Monday is casino day in hell” says the devil. “We have all the games and you can...

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.

Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...

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BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday

Guess there's no Post on Sundays

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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A guy takes his wife to a fancy company dinner.

He proceeds to get very drunk and then blacks out.

The next morning, he asks his wife what happened.

"You got wasted and acted like an ass. Your bossed was very angry with you," she said.

"Well, piss on him!" the man grumbled.

"You did," she replied, "and he fired you."...

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There's a reason why condoms come in packets of 6, 9 and 12

It's because they're meant to accommodate men around the world.

The packet of 6 is for the religious men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, never on a Sunday.

The packet of 9 is for those really amorous men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on ...

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Why is Saturday stronger than Monday?

Monday is a weak day

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week.

Roll on Monday.

Why does Gordon Ramsay not like WWE on Monday Nights?

Because its RAW!

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This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. (long)

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young man. “I’m going to be in this hel...

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

BBC News....

Next weeks Covid Guidance. You can meet with another person from outside your family with an A or an R in their names unless it's a Wednesday. Family members are OK unless it's the third Monday after Pancake Tuesday. People under 5 foot 11 aren't allowed to go to the pub unless they have brown hair....

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A long time...

A school class was given the homework over the weekend to learn about the word contagious.

Come Monday the teacher calls on little Becky to stand in front of the class and use the word contagious in a sentence.

"My Daddy is a Biomedical Engineer and says that Covid-19 is a contagious d...

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

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A young man get’s a new job on a remote lighthouse. He is the youngest of the 4 lighthouse keepers.

When he arrives and starts to get to know the others he asks, “So what do you do for entertainment around here every night.”

“Well,” said the oldest keeper. “On Monday night we usually play a long game of chess.”

“That’s a shame,” the young man said. “I don’t play chess.”

“Never...

How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

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My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't.

She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

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Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

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The Excuse

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weeke...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

New lockdown rules in England...

New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

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Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

Today is cyber Monday!

A/S/L?

From my Twitter feed today

I have a joke about a gym trainer, but I have to warm up before I tell it.

I have a joke about the IT department, but you have to put in a ticket before i can tell you.

I have a joke on aerospace engineering, but I don't think it will fly.

I have a joke on LinkedIn, but I'm not ...

A work week is so rough that

after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

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On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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I have sex with my boyfriend almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

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My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

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My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?"

I said, "So, are your wife's boobs, but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night."

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

A wonderful uplifting story !!!

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'...

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

Sometimes we get the joy of Friday, but with the misery of Monday swirled in

I call it... A Monday-Friday Sunday

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It’s Friday, so the teacher told the students it’s time to play a game.

“Students, I’m going to ask some questions. If you answer correctly you get to leave school early and go home.” All the children got really excited.

“Students, which president said, Four Scores and seven years ago?”

Little Johnny knew the answer, however Lisa beat him to it.

“M...

A man is being interviewed for a job (Long)

-What do you drive right now sir?

-An old food truck

-Well, if you are hired here you'll be driving a brand new BMW; Now, where do you live?

-In an old house in a dangerouse part of the city

-Well, if you are hired here, you would be livin in a three story mansion in the ...

Two old men were picked up by the cops

Two old men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and...

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate

It's mostly to drown out the voices on the bus.
People saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver"

I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday"

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

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A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.

The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders th...

Math Time

On Monday the teacher decided to begin the day reviewing basic math with their kindergartners. Hoping that it would be an easy lesson they lined the students up randomly and asked them easy problems.

"Jacob, what is 1+1?"

After a minute Jacob replied "2." The teach rewarded them with a...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

Boss, on Monday I'll be late

When are you coming?
On Wednesday .

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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

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A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.

Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?

Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

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A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.

"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around s...

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

"Back in my day, it was Monday".

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Cyber Monday is Ajit Pai’s favorite day of the year

He loves to fuck people online

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A man goes to the doctors office for a check up with his wife once every 10 years

Every time he goes his wife sits in with him to make sure he listens to the doctor’s advice.

When the man is 30 the doctor comes in and asks him, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies, “almost every day.” The doctor tells him to cut down on smoking or he’ll die of lung disease by 4...

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Men are from Mars. A Joke for the long Monday ahead.

http://austin.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/60286784.html source

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with ...

I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday...

But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.

Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?

She wished The Weeknd was longer.

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Dude just got married and is thrilled with idea of having sex almost every day.

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday...

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My boss is a dick

My boss is a dick. He emails motivational quotes to the whole company every Monday morning.

This weeks was ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you.’

So I emailed back telling him to go fuck himself.

Why can you not break Prince Rupert's Drops Monday thru Friday?

Because you have to hit them on the weak end.

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A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is comi...

I got fired from the unemployment office today

my boss said “clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on monday”

A miraculous medical feat was accomplished by the world's foremost heart surgeon last week.

A man with a weak and failing heart successfully had his heart transplanted with a turtle's after a grueling 27 hour procedure.

After a weekend of rest, the man walked out of the hospital under his own strength on Monday morning.

And by Tuesday he reached the parking lot!

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.

This year I'm going Black Friday shopping.

What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday?

Unemployed.

My family is full of neatfreaks

They have their entire wardrobe planned out for the week.

They even labled their underwear "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", etc.

I decided I wanna do this too to try to be a little neater so I started labeling my underwear, too

Right now, I'm wearing February

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An old woman walks into a bank and demands to meet the manager.

10 minutes later she is in the managers office.
She shows him several cases full of money and says " I want to deposit this into the bank"

Wary, the manager inquires " may i ask where you got that money from".
To which she replied" these are my gambling winnings".

To prove it s...

So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in fron...

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Grandpa was down on his luck so his grandsons (in their mid-20's by now) Wanted to do something to cheer him up.

The youngest of the 3 said he knew of a brothel that would be perfect and every Monday they have a thing they call "Super Sex" and not getting into to much detail but it would knock the socks off the old coot. So the youngest drops Grandpa off and tells him to go to the door and drives away. She an...

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

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Did you know it's Presidents Day Monday?

The President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it's one more year of bull shit.

My wife is turning 32 next Monday.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.

“After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandment...

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Joe went to his company party with his wife on Friday.

There, he had a little to much to drink and started to argue with his boss. The boss angered by Joe, fired him at the stop. Joe goes home grunting.

The next morning, Joe asked his wife what happened last night.

Wife: You got drunk and fought with your boss and got fired.

Joe: W...

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A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over t...

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

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They call Mondays, "The day of dragon..."

Ass. The day of draggin ass."

The Pharmacist's Monday

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to conf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

Why does One do everything on monday?

Because tomorrow is Two's day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shot my first turkey last Monday

It scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas Hangover

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.

He made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. W...

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