This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins?

Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

It's going to be one of those days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

A man walks into a Blockbuster somewhere in the midwest.

“Hello sir I would like to rent Batman Forever”

“Impossible sir you have to return it on Monday”

“What about The Day After Tomorrow?”

“That’s Sunday sir”

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

Boss, on Monday I'll be late

When are you coming?
On Wednesday .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim and bob are working

Jim and bob are working for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."

He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have sex almost every day!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me today that some days, i can be a total bastard

I've chosen mondays and wednesdays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.

The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders th...

A guy was acing his interview

when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

A wife tells her husband “I want us to have a great weekend”

The Husband replies....

“Ok I’ll see you Monday then”

Why can you not break Prince Rupert's Drops Monday thru Friday?

Because you have to hit them on the weak end.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An exhausted woman goes to see the doctor...

who asks her how she is sleeping.

She says, not much, because I like having sex.

The doctor asks her how often she has sex.

She replies, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

She says, I can't. It's the only night I am home ...

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that every Friday she will ask a question to the class and whoever answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

Three married men are complaining about their wives.

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man.

The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid.

They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you?

John scratches his head and says: Me? I ...

I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday...

But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cyber Monday is Ajit Pai’s favorite day of the year

He loves to fuck people online

Another clean cake day joke

Boss asks Mutuku, Mutuku how do you get it right for 30 years of bringing me coffee every morning without spilling it?

Mutuku's answer, before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

Mutuku's funeral is on Monday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Trophy Girlfriend.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to ...

Dollar pints

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try ...

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.

This year I'm going Black Friday shopping.

Most offensive sentence you ever read.

I'm a white male Christian that goes to work 9-5 Monday through Friday.

A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.

"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around s...

Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?

She wished The Weeknd was longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took the best shit at work. I didn't even have to wipe.

I can't wait until my boss sees it on his desk Monday morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a store and

Asked a employee for 3 pairs of underwear.
The employee askes "Only 3 pairs?"
The guy answers "Yes I only need a pair each Monday, Wednesday and Friday"
The guy leaves the store

Another guy walks into the store and asked the employee for 5 pairs of underwear.
The employee says "5 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”

Sure enough he got a la...

A man walks into a pharmacy

And asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription,

"Excuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?"

He replies,

"Oh, we don't close on Sunday."

Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.

The next day, Sunday, the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a particularly wild staff Christmas party, a man wakes up with a wicked hangover...

He turns over and groans to his wife, "Oh, God! What the hell happened last night?"

"You got drunk, of course, and made a goddamn fool of yourself in front of your boss!" his wife informs him.

"Piss on that fuckin' guy," the man says.

"You did. And he fired you," his wife answe...

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

They call Mondays, "The day of dragon..."

Ass. The day of draggin ass."

Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant.

She goes Mondays I go Fridays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know it's Presidents Day Monday?

The President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it's one more year of bull shit.

Why was the clam limping on Monday morning?

Because he went clubbing at the weekend and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday?

Unemployed.

My sister turns 42 on Monday

Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.

"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."

When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."

My wife is turning 32 next Monday.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.

“After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

My friend was talking about "Super Bowl Monday"

Friend: "We should get Super Bowl Monday to be a holiday. People spend all night watching the game, drinking, and partying, but in the morning they have to go to work."

Teacher: "Is that what you plan on doing on Sunday?

Friend: "No, I don't have a job."

Monday blues

Dr: what's wrong?
Bob: I'm depressed. I don't think anyone likes me.
Dr:what makes you say that?
Bob:well I had finally had it at work so I gave everyone in the office a box of poisoned candy on friday.
Dr: that's aweful!
Bob: yeah. I know. The worst part is they all stil...

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandment...

Why does One do everything on monday?

Because tomorrow is Two's day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy comes in on Monday looking sad

Teacher: What's wrong Terry?

Terry: I saw my fucking grandparents over the weekend.

Teacher: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!

Terry *thinking to self*: Great, now angry she's.

A rabbit walks into a bar on Monday

And asks the bartender if he any carrot juice. Bartender says no. Tuesday comes and the rabbit walks into the same bar and asks the bartender if he has any carrot juice. Bartender says no. Same thing happens every day of the week. On Sunday, the rabbit walks into the bar. The bartender goes "If you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes?

Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to work I go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A history teacher offers Monday off to the first student who can answer a trivia question as they are leaving on Friday afternoon.

Teacher: "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country' and in what year?"

Japanese Exchange Student: "It was most honorable President John F. Kennedy in 1961."

Teacher: "That is correct. You may have Monday off. The rest of you should be as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shot my first turkey last Monday

It scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.

So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in fron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

It was a Monday morning

... and the absent minded rectal surgeon was on his rounds. Halfway around the ward the nurse nudged him and whispered in his ear.

"Sir, you have a suppository behind your left ear."

"Oh damn," cursed the surgeon, "that means some bum's got my pencil!"

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over t...

The Pharmacist's Monday

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to conf...

I love Mondays...

It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the custom...

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web...

Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy showed up to work Monday with a black eye

I asked him what happened, and he said, “Well, I was at church yesterday and there was a woman in front of me. When we stood up, I noticed that her skirt had squeezed into her ass crack, so I pulled it out for her. She turned around and punched me in the eye!”

The next Monday, my buddy show...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two re...

What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays?

The week force.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday through Friday

I have a friend who, Monday through Friday seems very strong, but Saturday and Sunday he's weekend.

Every Monday afternoon, a Catholic priest and an Anglican vicar meet up at the local pub for a drink and a chat.

One day, the vicar doesn't show up, but he DOES show up the next week. The priest asks him why he stood him up.

"You won't believe this, but someone stole my bicycle! I had to borrow a friend's."
"You might be able to find your old one, but how?" the priest wondered. After a minute of t...

Everyone hates Mondays and Tuesdays

Even the weekdays go WTF

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Need a joke to tell my Public Speaking class this Monday..

Can be as crude as you want, but no racist or sexist jokes.

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation.

Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.

Gladiator's Monday

A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed...

Did you hear about the African who loved Monday Mornings?

He was a Monday morning kinda Gueye.

An Engineer is standing outside of work on Monday morning...

...when his cubical-neighbor pulls up on a brand new motorcycle. "Wow Bill, sweet bike, when did you get that?" he asks his friend.

"It was the weirdest thing," Bill replies, "my old VW was broken down on the side of the road yesterday, and this gorgeous woman pulls up on this motorcycle."...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.