UPJOKE
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What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

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Valentines Day is on Monday

Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

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On Monday I turned up to a zoo

I was expecting it to be good fun, But there was nothing but a singular dog. It was a shit-zu

A joke for Monday…

My boss pulled up in his brand new Lexus today and I couldn’t help but admire it.

“Nice car,” I said as he got out.

“Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “If you work hard, put the hours in, and really strive for excellence, then…..

I’ll have an even better one next year...

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, and Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian Calendar

Monday and Tuesday are my most productive days

After that, it’s WTF

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

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Now that I'm married, I have sex almost every night of the week!

I almost had it on Monday!
I almost had it on Tuesday!
I almost had it on Wednesday...

Three times a week

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the d...

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

A minister loses his wallet

He asks a friend where to look for the thief. The friend says “Why don’t you go through the 10 commandments in church on Sunday and see who looks guilty when you say ‘Do not steal’?”

The minister thinks this is a great idea. On the Monday after, he sees his friend who asks him “Did you try wh...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

I said to my gym teacher

How often would I have to come in here to learn to do the splits. He said it depends how flexible are you? I said well I can’t do mondays.

A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “how would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or ...

A little Johnny joke

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

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The Office Party

Bob woke up with an intense hangover and his wife was staring at him angrily.

She asked, “Do you remember what happened last night at the office party?”

Bob answered groggily, “No.”

His wife said, “You got drunk then proceeded to insult your employees and y...

The Factory (OC)

"Jenkins!" the boss screamed. "I need you to go to China. The factory reports that they are turning out product as fast as they possibly can, but that just can't be right. I need you to go see what's going on."

So on Tuesday, Jenkins flew to Shanghai and drove to the factory, where he persona...

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I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

Monday night football

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks. "Because my wife cancelled our cable."

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Little Johnny’s teacher was starting a lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few children for examples of words with more than one syllable. Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words? After thinking for a while, Jane proudly responded, “Monday”. Great, Jane, that has two syllables, Mon-day! Does anyone know any other words? I...

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He wants to bet on (American) football

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football.

The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.

The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again, an...

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Two blondes Cindy and Stacy run into each other on monday...

Cindy : Hi Stacy! Did you have a good weekend? I went out to the club on saturday!

Stacy: OMG! I was there too! I danced with two Brazilian guys who were at the club!

Cindy: Oh wow! How many is a Brazillion?

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

I'm going to start brewing beer and name it after the first day of the week.

Whenever a 24 or 30 pack is brought to a party they'll say, "Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays".

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins?

Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

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A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product.

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of ...

It’s Feb. 14th. Happy Valentine’s Day to all those in love

and happy Monday to all those who are married.

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This one is a little different, but I still think it's funny.

Devil: Welcome to Hell! I hope you enjoy your stay.

Man: Enjoy...? WTF?!?!

Devil: Well, do you like alcohol?

Man: Sure!

Devil: Then you are going to love Mondays! All the liquor you can drink!

Man: Wow!

Devil: How about drugs? Do you like drugs?

Man: ...

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

A young cowboy get thrown out of a saloon Monday night.

Tuesday he returns with a dachshund under his arm.

The bartender asks “What’s with the dog?”

”Last night when I got out of hand and was thrown out I was told ‘Get a long little doggie.’”

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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

Brent and Todd at the water cooler Monday morning.

Brent: What did you do this weekend?

Todd: I took the wife on a trip up to Maine.

Brent: Bangor?

Todd: No, we just talked.

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[NSFW] On Cyber Monday, I got a great deal on a threesome porno

It was a 2-in-1 special

What does the executioner say on Monday mornings?

Time to beheaded to work

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man sa...

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

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I asked my priest if I would go to hell for all the bad things I've done.

Priest: Let me tell you a secret, hell ain't so bad.

Priest: Do you drink?

Me: Hell yeah

Priest: Well on Mondays It's open bar night, all the booze you want, no hangover!

Priest: Do you do drugs?

Me: Hell yeah, everyday!

Priest: on Tuesday, all the drugs you...

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

A man woke up sobbing

"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"

Next to him, his wife stirred.

"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"

Monday Science

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

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A man buys a house in a new neighbourhood

The next morning, at 8, the man's neighbour rings his doorbell. The guy wakes up and opens the door, still in half-sleep.

"Hey. Sorry to wake you up, but you parked your car right in front of mine. I can't get mine out, and I am running late for office." The neighbour says.

"Oh, I'm r...

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

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A Man Dies And Goes To Hell

He begins to cry.


Devil: why are you crying?


Man: I've been damned for all eternity.


Devil: oh it's not that bad, we spend our days living out life's sins. Do you like smoking?


Man: I love smoking.


Devil: well every Monday we smoke all sorts of ...

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.

Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not sw...

My wife's panties are labelled 'Monday', 'Tuesday', 'Wednesday' ...

My underwear is labelled 'January', February', 'March'...

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

Actually happened to me.

Sitting in class Monday going over American Sign Language the instructor is explaining the hand position to a fellow student who is blind(er than I am), my hands starts cramping, as I shake it out I can’t stop laughing.

Professor “What is so funny?”

Mr “Do deaf people with arthritis ha...

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An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

NSFW construction joke

A young construction laborer who was hired to be be a cut-man gets a little too comfortable with a worm-drive saw and one day he manages to castrate himself. After months of physical recovery, he sets out to try to find a new job. One day he meets with a foreman of a large construction site close ...

What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings?

Meetless Mondays

Where is Mike?

On a Monday morning, Paul, Mike's job's teammate, noticed Mike was not around and asked the project manager

'Where is Mike'

Upon which the manager replied

'He is in the hospital'

Paul having just seen Mike yesterday asked in confusion

'But I saw Mike yesterday danc...

Mondays

God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did over the weekend.

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week

Roll on Monday

People say its a Case of the Mondays

Tuesday is when you realize it's a preexisting condition

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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

My wife gives me head every Monday.

She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.

Another Monday

Uggggg......Another Monday is near. All I look forward to anymore is laying down and relaxing on the couch after a long day of sitting upright and being tense on the couch.

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time...

As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband.

"He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn't say he loves me enough..."

This continues for some time until finally the counselor stands up and tells the wife to stop.

He then says, <...

Son keeps tipping the waitress

Every sunday father and son go to the same restaurant.
When asking for the bill the waitress come and places the bill in the table, they put the right amount on the table but the son puts a 500 dollars tip.

Next Monday the father goes the same restaurant pays and leave a 5 dollars tip. ...

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sick employee

A company hired a new employee. He was supposed to start on Monday, but in the morning he called his boss:
"I'm sick," he said. The boss excuses him.
The guy shows up at work on Tuesday and works hard all week, amazing everyone with his diligence and skills. The following Monday he calls...

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On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

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Monday morning, Joe, the court clerk, finds a note on his desk.

Memo: Attn: Joe, Court Clerk...

From: Judge Frank...

Today's tasks:

1) Contact hysterical woman who you emailed Friday about her being sentenced to go to the rapist because her actions contributed to mans laughter.

2) Fix your keyboard. The spacebar sticks.

Why does Gordon Ramsay not like WWE on Monday Nights?

Because its RAW!

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

A lot of people don't like Mondays

But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

A man is walking home from work on Monday, when he sees an old man talking to a young man.

The old man says “did you know I’m psychic?”. The young man of course doesn’t believe this, and demands proof. Nearby, a child is walking towards a store. The old man says “watch this. I predict that child will look in the window of the store, then turn around and go back home”. The young man bets 2...

Buyer : **Orders mixtapes from a store on Monday**

Seller: Come pick these up to on Friday, they will be ready by then.
Buyer: ok see ya then!
Friday rolls around
Buyer: **walks into store to the front desk** So are the mixtapes ready yet?
Seller : yup here you go **hands over a box full of them**
Buyer: Than- Wait these are not the...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

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A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.

"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around s...

Why does Spider-Man only fight crime 6 days a week?

Because Garfield doesn’t like Mondays

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

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Why is Saturday stronger than Monday?

Monday is a weak day

So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in fron...

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring ov...

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Fuck January

Shit’s the Monday of months.

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

After all the rioting and destruction Microsoft stock ($MSFT) will take off on Monday

Everyone will be looking for windows.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

A seventy year old man goes to the doctor...

A seventy year old man is at the doctor’s office for a routine checkup. After the examination, the doctor tells the man that he is in great physical condition for his age, in fact amazing condition for a man even half his age. The doctor asks how he does it, and the patient tells him that it’s good ...

A student is failing his classes, so he goes to the teacher with a bet

"I will tell you a riddle. You have an entire week to solve it. If you do, I am giving you 500€, if you don't, you give me an A"

"I accept"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The teacher thinks and thinks the entire week, but d...

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!"

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Dirty ernie pt. 3 (final that I can remember)

The teacher tells the class that every Friday, she's going to ask a question, and whomever can answer it correctly will be excused from class on Monday of the following week.

The first week she asks, "how high is the sky?

Ernie says, "what the fuck? Nobody can answer that."

Teac...

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A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.

The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders th...

Married couple after 20 years

The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed ...
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack o...

The Pharmacist's Monday

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to conf...

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

My wife is turning 32 next Monday.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.

“After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

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A man goes to the doctor…

… and tells him that his dick is red and swollen and hurts.

Doctor: "I see you are married - how often do you have sex with your wife?"

Patient: "Well, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - in fact, every day.''

Doctor: "Hm…"

Patient: "And I ...

Told to me by a six year old.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!


I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
...

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The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the custom...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandment...

Why did Selena Gomez dump The Weeknd on a Monday?

She wished The Weeknd was longer.

Today is cyber Monday!

A/S/L?

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Cyber Monday is Ajit Pai’s favorite day of the year

He loves to fuck people online

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

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Black eye!

A guy shows up at work on Monday with a black eye and his colleague asks what happened.

He says "I was in church and when we stood up the skirt on the lady in front of me was tucked between her butt cheeks so I pulled it out and she turned around and hit me."

The following Monday he sh...

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Did you know it's Presidents Day Monday?

The President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it's one more year of bull shit.

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

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