UPJOKE
tuesdaythursdayweekmondayfridaywedsundaydayyesterdaytodaymorningmercurymidweekweekdayafternoon

Wednesday Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate g...

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

Wednesday, Thirsty and ...

Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says "Windy, isn't it".
The second one says "No, it is Thursday".
The third one says "So am I. Let us go get a beer".

Wednesday

If Wednesday is called "Hump Day" then Tuesday should be called "Foreplay Day"

It is Wednesday, February 15th 2023. Happy Humpday everyone.

Opps, my bad... humpday was February 14th, wasn't it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve had sex nearly every day this week…

Nearly Monday, nearly Tuesday, nearly Wednesday, nearly Thursday…..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a bank every wednesday to deposit hundreds of thousands

He comes in with a big bag of money, every wednesday and deposits large amounts of money. The manager gets suspicious after a while and when the next wednesday comes, approaches the man:

-Good morning and welcome sir, you must be one the richest customers of our bank. We are thankful for choo...

Punny wednesday

The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone.
"Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."

Only Wednesday

One day the president holds a speech to a huge group of people:
“From now on everybody is only going to work on Wednesdays”.
Hearing the news, everyone starts cheering with joy and happiness. After a few minutes, one guy from the crowd asks:
“Every Wednesday?”

Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which religion celebrates Ass Wednesday?

Bootyism

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Why is the d silent in Wednesday?

Cause on hump day you're already getting the D.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

Of course Hugh Hefner died on a Wednesday

We call it hump day for a reason.

A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"

The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.

The Man is sitti...

Wednesday?

After night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

I started dating a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin.

I can’t remember if I’m taking her out Wednesday or Thursday night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are the weirdest days of the week...

They got me like WTF?

My wife's panties are labelled 'Monday', 'Tuesday', 'Wednesday' ...

My underwear is labelled 'January', February', 'March'...

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

They're predicting record highs for Wednesday.

In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.

What do you call Wednesdays at the gym for pirates?

Peg day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Date.

I've got a date with a Lady who self identifies as a trash can...

But I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Premature Ejaculators Anonymous, Wednesday at 5:30AM

I'd be there, but there's no way I'd come that early.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees his urologist

His penis is all swollen and hurts. Says the Doctor “Well, how often do you sleep with your wife?”
The man answers “Well… Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday”

“M-hm” says the doctor. “But seeing how insanely swollen it is, the question comes to my mind:
Do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.

I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved ...

A tech company gets a new CTO...

She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.

Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convict's first day in prison.

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down.

He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie.

Do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year old goes to a brothel...

and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!"

The madame, looked amused and says, "Get lost kid."

The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!!"

The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

Ash Wednesday was yesterday so my family is going to be eating a lot more legumes

Mostly lentils

My wife reminds me of Ariana Grande.

She’ll say “Don’t forget, next Wednesday we’re seeing Ariana Grande”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A serial killer died and goes to hell…

A serial killer dies and goes to hell. He’s met by a devil.

“Welcome to hell. Do you like smoking?”

“Yeah” replies the killer.

“Oh boy you’re gonna love Mondays. All we do is smoke. Soon as you’re done smoking, another cigarette appears in your hand. Smoke smoke smoke, all day l...

What is the best day to eat Camel meat?

Wednesday

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

Superman is useless on Wednesday evening because he goes to a weekly Bitcoin meet up.

It's his Crypto-night.

I love summer in Scotland...

This year it was a Wednesday.

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first Wednesday of every month God and St. Peter meet to discuss the operations and logistics of Heaven...

...and, as usual, everything is great and fine; but they both notice that Heaven is starting to get a tad overcrowded. So, they both agree that from now on, not only do you have to be a good person when you die, you must also have had a bad day the day you died.

The next day, St. Peter takes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man joined the British Navy in the 1600s

After being shown around the ship and told he'd be at sea for many months, he asked the Captain, "What does a man do to relieve his urges?"

The Captain said, "Well, there's a barrel lashed to the mast and it has a hole in it. You can make use of it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday...

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.

Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.

Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the ca...

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, and the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simpl...

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

Healing hearing

Leroy walks into a bar and finds the preacher there offering to pray for anyone. Leroy gets in line, and the preacher asks: "What can I do for you?" He replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and prays with all his might. Finally,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor…

… and tells him that his dick is red and swollen and hurts.

Doctor: "I see you are married - how often do you have sex with your wife?"

Patient: "Well, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - in fact, every day.''

Doctor: "Hm…"

Patient: "And I ...

Three Moroccan Jewish women have a chat.

They've known each other for quite some time and every wednesday they have this tradition where they drink tea together and gossip and chat. The first one says: " You know my son, he had such a great year this year, if he wanted he could buy all of Paris and still have some change.". The second one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

My new girlfriend works as a bin lady...

Trouble is, I can't remember if I'm supposed to take her out Wednesday or Thursday!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my priest if I would go to hell for all the bad things I've done.

Priest: Let me tell you a secret, hell ain't so bad.

Priest: Do you drink?

Me: Hell yeah

Priest: Well on Mondays It's open bar night, all the booze you want, no hangover!

Priest: Do you do drugs?

Me: Hell yeah, everyday!

Priest: on Tuesday, all the drugs you...

So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment.

Whoops, wrong sub.

My friend told me that I don't understand irony

Which itself was ironic because it was a Wednesday

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes

In India they're called Cyclones

In Japan they're called Typhoons

In Britain they're called Wednesdays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom dies and wakes up in a strange place.

He looks around and sees beautiful surroundings, as if he's at a 5 star resort.

A man in a red outfit walks up to him and says, "Hey buddy, welcome to Hell! I'm the Devil!"

Tom looks around, confused. "Um...I didn't think this was going to be what hell looks like?"

The Devil say...

I have the perfect son.

**Does he smoke?**
No, he doesn’t.

**Does he drink whiskey?**
No, he doesn’t.

**Does he ever come home late?**
No, he doesn’t.

**I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?**
He will be six months old next Wednesday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Dies And Goes To Hell

He begins to cry.


Devil: why are you crying?


Man: I've been damned for all eternity.


Devil: oh it's not that bad, we spend our days living out life's sins. Do you like smoking?


Man: I love smoking.


Devil: well every Monday we smoke all sorts of ...

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.