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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

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Which religion celebrates Ass Wednesday?

Bootyism.

Wednesday?

After night.

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Ash Wednesday circa 1939 to 1945

Ash Wednesday under Nazi Germany was celebrated very differently. The Nazis celebrated the Reich way.

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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi...

heading for Midway airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments ev...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

Baseball in Heaven

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor...

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

Why is the d silent in Wednesday?

Cause on hump day you're already getting the D.

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

One day at the Psychiatric Ward...

A psychiatrist is evaluating three new mental patients. He turns to the first one and asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The mental patient thinks and thinks. He racks his brain. Finally, after several minutes, he answers, "128!"

The psychiatrist turns to the second mental patient and asks...

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

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In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

Of course Hugh Hefner died on a Wednesday

We call it hump day for a reason.

A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"

The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.

The Man is sitti...

Punny wednesday

The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone.
"Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

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One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It's going to be completely Excel Lent.

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions....

The perfect son

A: I have the perfect son. 

B: Does he smoke? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he drink whiskey? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he ever come home late? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 

A: He will be ...

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

So I was all dressed in latex whipping my slave when they kept on yelling someone else's safe word. Then I realized this was my Wednesday appointment and not my Thursday appointment.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.

I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.

They're predicting record highs for Wednesday.

In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Three married men are complaining about their wives.

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man.

The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid.

They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you?

John scratches his head and says: Me? I ...

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A guy walks into a store and

Asked a employee for 3 pairs of underwear.
The employee askes "Only 3 pairs?"
The guy answers "Yes I only need a pair each Monday, Wednesday and Friday"
The guy leaves the store

Another guy walks into the store and asked the employee for 5 pairs of underwear.
The employee says "5 ...

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After 20 years of marriage.. I like to boast my wife still give me sex almost every day..

Almost on a Monday..

Almost on a Tuesday...

Almost on a Wednesday..

Almost on a Thursday..

Almost on a Friday...

Almost on a Saturday..

And damn almost on a Sunday..

How to sustain a long marriage

Have two romatic dinners every week.

You can do a lot of things on a romatic dinner, like drinking wine, dancing, watching TV etc.

My wife goes on Monday and Wednesday, I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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The first Wednesday of every month God and St. Peter meet to discuss the operations and logistics of Heaven...

...and, as usual, everything is great and fine; but they both notice that Heaven is starting to get a tad overcrowded. So, they both agree that from now on, not only do you have to be a good person when you die, you must also have had a bad day the day you died.

The next day, St. Peter takes...

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

What day of the week did the gamer get married to his retro games console?

Wednesday

People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him

and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

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On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”



The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it i...

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A young man was on a boat and was horny...

He asked the captain,"Sir, what do we do when we get horny 'round here." The captain reaponded,"There's a barrel over on the right side of the deck, you may use that everyday except for wednesday." The boy asked,"Why not Wednesday?" The captain had a smug grin on his face,"Because that's your day in...

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

What’s Thanos’ favourite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

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I've started online dating a porn star

I text her to meet up and maybe come back to mine for a little fun.

She said "Yeah sure, I'm working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so how about Friday?"

I'd prefer Monday...

I wondered why for the past 3 days all I have read are reposts on r/jokes...

Then I realized it's because it's only Wednesday.

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

"Don't be scared," said Satan as he led the man around the place.

"We have Music Mondays for you to jam, Tipsy Tuesdays to get drunk, Weed Wednesdays to get high, Thanksgivings Thursdays to eat good ol' delicious stuffed Turkey, Funny Fridays for some comedic relief, as well as Smart Saturday...

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A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

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new employee

A guy starts a new job. His first day is Wednesday, and does a fantastic job. Same with Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, "I can't come in today, I'm sick."
...

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Scam alert! Men beware

During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They...

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Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

&nbsp;

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

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A man goes to confession at his local church...

He sits in the confessional box and begins to confess his sins.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This week, I took the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Tell me what happened, my son” replied the priest

“Well, Father. I was out golfing on Wednesday afternoon and I’d been playing a gre...

Robert goes down to the mega church on Sunday.

He waits in line for his turn and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. After 3 minutes of violent shaking of his head by his ears and trying to push him backwards the preacher asks, "hows your hearing?" Then Robert replies " well my hearing is not until Wednesday at the courthouse".

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A 7 year old goes to a brothel...

and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!"

The madame, looked amused and says, "Get lost kid."

The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!!"

The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $...

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday.

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Check up at the doctors

A 70 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more activity & recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell to my husband".
The doctor goes out in the waiting room & tells the husband that his wife needs to ha...

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A man dies and is being greeted by the Devil at the gates of Hell. The Devil says “Welcome to Hell, sir, we’re here 24 hours a day to serve all your hedonistic needs!” The man, perplexed, says “Oh really? I thought Hell was supposed to be a terrible place, where you are punished for all your sins!”

“Oh no, that’s just a big misunderstanding” says the Devil. “Those religious folks just try to keep you scared so you’ll behave, but it’s not like that at all.”
“Oh, well that’s great!” says the man, starting to relax a bit.

“Let me show you around here,” the Devil says, and the two start ...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.

"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid. You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.

"I am?" the man asks nervously.

"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being ...

The wife said she wanted to go and see

the Jerry Springer show for her birthday.

So I got her sister pregnant!!

We're on next Wednesday!

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F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

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