I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

The only thing I can take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips...

... and even that I take with a pinch of salt.

Nowadays there's too many musical instruments

It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

There are so many letters added to LGBT nowadays,

it may as well be called LGBTLDR

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Nowadays teens could just look up porn on the internet. Back in my day, they only had porn in the stores. But they wouldn’t sell it to us because we were underage. So we had to pool our money and give it to the homeless guy outside of the store.

He then would strip and play with himself for us. It wasn’t terrible but my point is you kids got it easy.

A dude on the street yelled that it's allowed to be LGBTQ nowadays and said it was 100% true

A man walked by and said:

"You're not spitting straight facts, that's for sure"

I hate people who don't respect when I say "shotgun" nowadays

Like the kidnapper who threw me in his trunk

Everything nowadays is made in China.

Except for babies. They're made in Vachina.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

So I hear the Hulk's believing in Muhammad nowadays...

Now he's gone from "Hulk Smash" to "I Slam".

Nowadays, comedians tell the news,

And, the media tells the joke.

Why does it cost so much to pump your tyres nowadays?

Inflation.

A teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence

One of the student raises his hand and says: “My big brother is really depressed nowadays”

The teacher asks: “why”?

The kid goes: “he broke up with his girlfriend”

So the teacher asks the student “and how is this relevant?”

He says: Harassment a lot to him

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

Climate change is getting on the news alot more nowadays.

You could say its a hot topic worldwide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

There’s too many perverts in the park nowadays.

I was sat there earlier and everyone kept staring at my erection.

Medusa makes cheese nowadays

Gorgonzola

Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays.

You could say they’re all the rage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

There are so many scams on the internet nowadays...

Send me three easy installments of $19.99, and I'll tell you how to avoid all of them!

Giving birth is so expensive nowadays

It requires a lot of labour

Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..

Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'

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You have to be extremely careful around everyone nowadays

I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors. I'm so very happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. If I had pulled out paper, I would have lost!

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

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A-a-another st-st-stutt...

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him, and says, "I\`m afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

...

Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

A Lot of Jokes Are Often Lame Nowadays.

Doesn't take a blind man to see it, or a deaf man to hear it. Jokes nowadays just can't stand on their own.

So they've started planting trees actively nowadays.

Well that's a releaf

I was shocked to find out how much vibrators cost nowadays.

My wife is sitting on a small fortune.

why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People nowadays are so rude

Last time I got on a plane everybody went batshit crazy for no reason, screaming and running around the place.

I mean, I was just saying "Hi" to my friend Jack.

People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.

If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"

The world is so unfair nowadays.

I saw on the news a story of a man who donated a kidney and he was a hero. But when I donated 4 I was arrested!

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.

When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk jugs, a shirt and a pair of shoes.

Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.

With petrol prices nowadays,

it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

You know, online shopping services are really successful nowadays...

Amazon is a Prime example.

I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays?

It’s called the Srirachachacha

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

Covid is an answer for everything

Nowadays “Covid,” can be an excuse for nearly any question:

Wanna get together?
-No!
Why? . . . Covid

Did you gain weight?
-Yeah, you know, Covid.

Why are you coughing?
-Uh . . . . Covid

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call grammar nazis nowadays?

Alt-writes

We throw around the word "hero" so much nowadays....

What about all the other times this week when someone had to tackle a naked guy in a waffle house at 3am?

There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope

Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

Everything is so political nowadays

I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore.

From what I hear, puberty is the biggest trend nowadays

All the kids are doing it.

Nowadays I can't even say "Black Coat" anymore because it isn't PC...

No, now I really need to say "Jamal give me my coat please."

I don't really see many white people in London nowadays

Mainly because I've never been to London, though.

People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays...

But everyone I know has a Mac

What's the most overused joke nowadays?

Donald Trump

I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

When I were a lad my mother would send me down the shops with a pound and I'd come back with teabags, a sack of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, and a dozen eggs. You can't do that nowadays....

...Too many damn security cameras.

Have you guys seen how expensive it is nowadays to fill your bicycle tires?

Damn inflation...

Women must be intimidated by my ridiculously good looks.....

They all try to avoid me nowadays

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!

Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

Redneck goes to the doctor

Doctor: Bubba, you have AIDS
Bubba: Nowadays you can't even trust your own mother

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kiwi walks into a bar in the US

And as he orders a beer the bartender noticed a bit of an accent and asks the man where he is from:

Kiwi: “I’m from New Zealand”

Batman: “oh hey, wow, I had a chap in here last month. His name was Fred Dagg from Te Awamutu. Do you know the guy?”

Kiwi (visibly frustrated): “look ...

Two mathematicians are arguing at a restaurant.

"The state of mathematics in this country is terrible", insists the first mathematician. "It's a wonder how the average person even manages to get by in their day-to-day life."

The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

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John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.

John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet s...

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

I'm like a classic Mercedes Benz...

I depreciate much more rapidly than what's available nowadays, and I become more expensive to fix with time.

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

The Story of Apple

It was an apple that kicked Adam and Eve out of heaven. It was an apple that made Newton discover gravity, and since then everyone has to study it. Nowadays, it's an apple that we spend all of our money and time. So through the history whenever human being got f\*\*\*ed it was because of an apple!

Back in the 1700s...

People were protesting for taxation without representation


Nowadays, Anti-Vaxxers be like
“Vaccination without representation!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My little brother made this joke up when he was about 10: Although Japanese people used to wear kimonos...

Nowadays you often see them wearing Ja-pants.

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

Back in the day, you'd have to take a girl's panties off to see the booty...

Nowadays, you have to lift the booty to see her panties.

My girlfriend asked me for the third time this week if I was cheating on her ...

Nowadays, she has starting to sound like my wife...

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads t...

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

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Its not called Anal Bleaching anymore...

Nowadays it's called changing your Ringtone.

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone w...

Whom Do You Trust?

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.
"Hell, " says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck sits next to the silicon valley kid on the overnight train ride

Redneck really wants to sleep, but silicone valley kid won't shut up, describing the wonders of technology.

\- Nowadays I can find an answer to any question, no matter how hard, you just need to know how to use tech!

Redneck really wants to sleep. But the kid keeps showing his gadgets,...

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

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