Nowadays Jokes - 112 Hilarious Nowadays Jokes

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Lance is not a common name nowadays.

But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.

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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

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Every job ad nowadays says they want a "Rockstar"

but when I snort coke off a customer's breasts, they fire me!

There are so many letters added to LGBT nowadays,

it may as well be called LGBTLDR

Priests nowadays...

...have embraced technology. The have youtube channels, twitter, facebook and instagram accounts. And they just don't exorcise anymore, they uninstall demos.

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

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Nowadays, coughing is like masturbation

Thanks to covid, you better do that shit in the privacy of your own home

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

People are too judgmental nowadays.

I can tell just by looking at them.

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I'm disappointed with all this sex on TV nowadays.

They're way too thin, I always fall off.

83% of bakers nowadays are female.

It looks like they’ve finally overthrown the pastryarchy

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

I wanted to buy a new car but I’ve read that there are a lot of counterfeits on the market nowadays

Guess I’ll just keep my Honda Prius then

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

Linkedin is becoming like Facebook nowadays!!!

Except Hot women are sending connection requests to IT Nerds...

Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."

Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

Woman are so confusing nowadays. I thought opening the door would be the nice thing to do for a lady,

but she just screamed and flew out the plane.

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Custom made Exit signs are all the rage nowadays.

But I think… they are on the way out.

Everyone wants to be a developer or programmer nowadays...

But the only soft wear I'm interested in is a cardigan.

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

Hard to find good help nowadays

A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."

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Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

condition of our EARs nowadays

Random Girl: Wearing earrings, mask, glasses, and earphones...

Her ears: Do you want me to hold your bag too?

Medusa makes cheese nowadays

Gorgonzola

So I hear the Hulk's believing in Muhammad nowadays...

Now he's gone from "Hulk Smash" to "I Slam".

Nowadays, comedians tell the news,

And, the media tells the joke.

Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?

I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.

People have no respect for others time nowadays

Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude.

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A recent study shows women don't want to have sex nowadays

1000 in 1000 told me so.

Everything is made in China nowadays

Including viruses

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

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The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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People nowadays are so rude

Last time I got on a plane everybody went batshit crazy for no reason, screaming and running around the place.

I mean, I was just saying "Hi" to my friend Jack.

With petrol prices nowadays,

it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead.

Giving birth is so expensive nowadays

It requires a lot of labour

So they've started planting trees actively nowadays.

Well that's a releaf

I hate people who don't respect when I say "shotgun" nowadays

Like the kidnapper who threw me in his trunk

The world is so unfair nowadays.

I saw on the news a story of a man who donated a kidney and he was a hero. But when I donated 4 I was arrested!

I feel there’s too many Dictatorships around nowadays...

It’s time to put the few back in Fuhrer!

There’s too many perverts in the park nowadays.

I was sat there earlier and everyone kept staring at my erection.

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

Why does it cost so much to pump your tyres nowadays?

Inflation.

People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.

If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"

Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays.

You could say they’re all the rage.

There are so many scams on the internet nowadays...

Send me three easy installments of $19.99, and I'll tell you how to avoid all of them!

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You have to be extremely careful around everyone nowadays

I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors. I'm so very happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. If I had pulled out paper, I would have lost!

What's the problem with space games nowadays?

They have no atmosphere.

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What do you call grammar nazis nowadays?

Alt-writes

I was shocked to find out how much vibrators cost nowadays.

My wife is sitting on a small fortune.

You know, online shopping services are really successful nowadays...

Amazon is a Prime example.

Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays?

It’s called the Srirachachacha

What's the most overused joke nowadays?

Donald Trump

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

A man tried to sell ...

Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.

We throw around the word "hero" so much nowadays....

What about all the other times this week when someone had to tackle a naked guy in a waffle house at 3am?

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I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

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My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection

We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

From what I hear, puberty is the biggest trend nowadays

All the kids are doing it.

I don't really see many white people in London nowadays

Mainly because I've never been to London, though.

People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays...

But everyone I know has a Mac

Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

Nowadays I can't even say "Black Coat" anymore because it isn't PC...

No, now I really need to say "Jamal give me my coat please."

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

Have you guys seen how expensive it is nowadays to fill your bicycle tires?

Damn inflation...

Years ago you could enter a grocery store with 25 dollars

and walk out with several kilos of fruits, a loaf of bread meat, cheese, milk and much more.

Nowadays, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

I can't tell if this fish is lying .....

They're so koi nowadays!

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

Seriously

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips, and even that I take with a pinch of salt

I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month

Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere

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Nowadays teens could just look up porn on the internet. Back in my day, they only had porn in the stores. But they wouldn’t sell it to us because we were underage. So we had to pool our money and give it to the homeless guy outside of the store.

He then would strip and play with himself for us. It wasn’t terrible but my point is you kids got it easy.

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads t...

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A man who dedicated his life to sexual exploration retired today at the age of 90.

When asked why, he said, "I actually prefer traditional sex nowadays, the only kink i have left is the one in my neck."

People talk too much about stuff like pollution and corruption

They forget that, nowadays, whataboutism is also a huge problem.

I remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject..

..but nowadays when you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

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People don't know how lucky they have it these days...

When I was younger and wanted to look at sexy pictures, I had to sneak the Sears catalogue into my bedroom to look at the underwear and swimsuit pages.

But nowadays... anyone can hop on any smart device and just go directly to sears dot com

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

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When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

When I were a lad my mother would send me down the shops with a pound and I'd come back with teabags, a sack of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, and a dozen eggs. You can't do that nowadays....

...Too many damn security cameras.

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

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Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

Ten years ago today, Gotye released his big hit.

I don't hear anything about him at all nowadays. Now he's just Somebody That I Used to Know.

In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in.

Nowadays, Depend's

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..

Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope

Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

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I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

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An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy

He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security ...

Women must be intimidated by my ridiculously good looks.....

They all try to avoid me nowadays

Back in the day, you'd have to take a girl's panties off to see the booty...

Nowadays, you have to lift the booty to see her panties.

There’s this homeless vlogger called Nat Holm. He’s absolutely fantastic and shows you how to get the most out of life, even if you’re really poor!

But for some reason, every time I recommend his show to people, they look at me like I’m some massive pervert, and I have no idea why! I guess people are just so pretentious nowadays.

Anyway, go search for “Poor Nat Holm”. I watch “Poor Nat Holm” every day without fail, and I cannot get enou...

I'm like a classic Mercedes Benz...

I depreciate much more rapidly than what's available nowadays, and I become more expensive to fix with time.

Redneck goes to the doctor

Doctor: Bubba, you have AIDS
Bubba: Nowadays you can't even trust your own mother

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