It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows women don't want to have sex nowadays

1000 in 1000 told me so.

People have no respect for others time nowadays

Some guy asked me to go sacrifice goats to satan in the woods and they didn’t even show up, incredibly rude.

Hard to find good help nowadays

A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

There are so many letters added to LGBT nowadays,

it may as well be called LGBTLDR

Nowadays there's too many musical instruments

It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nowadays teens could just look up porn on the internet. Back in my day, they only had porn in the stores. But they wouldn’t sell it to us because we were underage. So we had to pool our money and give it to the homeless guy outside of the store.

He then would strip and play with himself for us. It wasn’t terrible but my point is you kids got it easy.

condition of our EARs nowadays

Random Girl: Wearing earrings, mask, glasses, and earphones...

Her ears: Do you want me to hold your bag too?

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

I hate people who don't respect when I say "shotgun" nowadays

Like the kidnapper who threw me in his trunk

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

So I hear the Hulk's believing in Muhammad nowadays...

Now he's gone from "Hulk Smash" to "I Slam".

Everything nowadays is made in China.

Except for babies. They're made in Vachina.

Why does it cost so much to pump your tyres nowadays?

Inflation.

Nowadays, comedians tell the news,

And, the media tells the joke.

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

I feel there’s too many Dictatorships around nowadays...

It’s time to put the few back in Fuhrer!

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

A guy stops at a little cake shop ran by an elderly couple.

He asks for a cup of coffee. The old man who was working the counter turns to the kitchen and says "Sweetie! A cup of coffee to this gentleman please!"

The man found that rather cute and, deciding he could use some cake with his coffee decided to order a slice. The elderly man turned to the k...

Climate change is getting on the news alot more nowadays.

You could say its a hot topic worldwide.

Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..

Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'

There’s too many perverts in the park nowadays.

I was sat there earlier and everyone kept staring at my erection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

Medusa makes cheese nowadays

Gorgonzola

Ten years ago today, Gotye released his big hit.

I don't hear anything about him at all nowadays. Now he's just Somebody That I Used to Know.

Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays.

You could say they’re all the rage.

There are so many scams on the internet nowadays...

Send me three easy installments of $19.99, and I'll tell you how to avoid all of them!

Nowadays there’s a pill for everything

to keep your nose from running, to keep you regular, to
keep your heart beating, to keep your hair from falling out. . . . Why, thanks to advances in
medical science, every day people are dying who never looked better.

Giving birth is so expensive nowadays

It requires a lot of labour

So they've started planting trees actively nowadays.

Well that's a releaf

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

I was shocked to find out how much vibrators cost nowadays.

My wife is sitting on a small fortune.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy

He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have to be extremely careful around everyone nowadays

I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors. I'm so very happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. If I had pulled out paper, I would have lost!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People nowadays are so rude

Last time I got on a plane everybody went batshit crazy for no reason, screaming and running around the place.

I mean, I was just saying "Hi" to my friend Jack.

The world is so unfair nowadays.

I saw on the news a story of a man who donated a kidney and he was a hero. But when I donated 4 I was arrested!

People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.

If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"

I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

nowadays they have cameras everywhere

Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.

In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in.

Nowadays, Depend's

With petrol prices nowadays,

it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead.

You know, online shopping services are really successful nowadays...

Amazon is a Prime example.

Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays?

It’s called the Srirachachacha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to shave my testicles with a straight razor.

Nowadays I lack the balls to do so

Did you hear police are joining protesters nowadays?

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls are so shallow nowadays. Every single one of my dates this week has forgotten my name.

They always call me Help whenever we have sex after the date. Like... who the fuck is Mr. Help?

I remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject..

..but nowadays when you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call grammar nazis nowadays?

Alt-writes

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

We throw around the word "hero" so much nowadays....

What about all the other times this week when someone had to tackle a naked guy in a waffle house at 3am?

There’s this homeless vlogger called Nat Holm. He’s absolutely fantastic and shows you how to get the most out of life, even if you’re really poor!

But for some reason, every time I recommend his show to people, they look at me like I’m some massive pervert, and I have no idea why! I guess people are just so pretentious nowadays.

Anyway, go search for “Poor Nat Holm”. I watch “Poor Nat Holm” every day without fail, and I cannot get enou...

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

Everything is so political nowadays

I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore.

From what I hear, puberty is the biggest trend nowadays

All the kids are doing it.

Nowadays I can't even say "Black Coat" anymore because it isn't PC...

No, now I really need to say "Jamal give me my coat please."

I don't really see many white people in London nowadays

Mainly because I've never been to London, though.

People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays...

But everyone I know has a Mac

I don't agree with all the critics towards priests nowadays.

They are actually the only ones who slow down with their car when near a school.

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..

Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection

We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...

When I were a lad my mother would send me down the shops with a pound and I'd come back with teabags, a sack of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, and a dozen eggs. You can't do that nowadays....

...Too many damn security cameras.

Have you guys seen how expensive it is nowadays to fill your bicycle tires?

Damn inflation...

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A-a-another st-st-stutt...

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him, and says, "I\`m afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

...

There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope

Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.

Covid is an answer for everything

Nowadays “Covid,” can be an excuse for nearly any question:

Wanna get together?
-No!
Why? . . . Covid

Did you gain weight?
-Yeah, you know, Covid.

Why are you coughing?
-Uh . . . . Covid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

Women must be intimidated by my ridiculously good looks.....

They all try to avoid me nowadays

Two mathematicians are arguing at a restaurant.

"The state of mathematics in this country is terrible", insists the first mathematician. "It's a wonder how the average person even manages to get by in their day-to-day life."

The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!

Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

Redneck goes to the doctor

Doctor: Bubba, you have AIDS
Bubba: Nowadays you can't even trust your own mother

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.

John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet s...

I'm like a classic Mercedes Benz...

I depreciate much more rapidly than what's available nowadays, and I become more expensive to fix with time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads t...

The Story of Apple

It was an apple that kicked Adam and Eve out of heaven. It was an apple that made Newton discover gravity, and since then everyone has to study it. Nowadays, it's an apple that we spend all of our money and time. So through the history whenever human being got f\*\*\*ed it was because of an apple!

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

Back in the day, you'd have to take a girl's panties off to see the booty...

Nowadays, you have to lift the booty to see her panties.

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone w...

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My little brother made this joke up when he was about 10: Although Japanese people used to wear kimonos...

Nowadays you often see them wearing Ja-pants.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.