I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.

Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 100 upvotes, she’ll lose her anal virginity tonight.

Please don’t upvote, she’s on a business trip until next week.

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said,

'Na na na na nana na'".

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

"Not tonight darling, I have a headache" - Wife

"Not to worry love, we'll soon sort that out" - Henry VIII

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Hey baby are you free tonight?

Because I don't have any money

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

I'm not going to bed tonight.

Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.

I got nailed tonight.

I was board.

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

I went out drinking tonight so I took the bus home

Now I can tell you one thing

.

.

.

It's a crazy experience driving a bus drunk

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

The urge to start singing the popular song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away

A-whim-away

A-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I got home tonight, my wife asked me what I wanted to watch.

Apparently, "you pack your shit and move out" was not a good answer.

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

There's an innuendo competition in town tonight.

I'm thinking of entering my wife.

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now...

...and that's where I sleep.

If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight

It's completely out of this world.

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I farted in front of my wife for the first time tonight.

Its a good thing I didn't give a shit.

Everyday my wife gets mad at me for no reason when I wake up. Tonight I’m going to change this.

“Why are you on my side of the bed?!” She said

“We are switching places tonight.” I replied

“Why?!”

“Because every morning you seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.”

My six year old son told me a joke at dinner tonight and I absolutely loved it.

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I’ve made up a bed for him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner.
After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans
over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wi...

If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to 69 tonight

She said 24 was the most guys shes done in a night

Can I crash at your place tonight ?

No Hobo tho.

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

Everyone be careful on the roads tonight

There will be a lot of drinking so men will have their wives drive for them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

Tonight at 11:59 lift your left leg

So you can enter the new year on the right foot

I’ve been dropping everything tonight.

It’s really getting out of hand.

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

How did Phil Collins know about Lorde?

She wasn't born until 1996 but In the Air Tonight was released in 1981

I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought I’d surprise my new girlfriend after a recent movie talk we had. So, tonight when she came over, I had a Pornhub movie with a prostitute scenario on. She saw it, told me to never talk to her again, and stormed out.

I am starting to think she told me she likes “horror movies”...

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight.

He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to see the show. Is she ready to go?"

The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast

if you make it that long

A leper gave me head tonight.

She said I may keep it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"No," I replied, and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

My 5yo told me this one tonight: “What did the person say when they went too far out into the ocean.”

Help me, I’m dying.

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

There was a blackout tonight.

It was caused by the current situation.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched a great fireworks show tonight

Through the phone of the asshole in front of me.

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going o...

I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…

What a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble…

I met my daughter's teacher tonight, and it was heartbreaking.

She was working at her second job. Teachers are among the most underpaid and undervalued people on Earth.

I decided to give her $50 for a lap dance, so I'm doing my part.

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

[Bad Pickup Line] I know I'm not the best looking guy here tonight...

but I'm the only one talking to you...

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

In church tonight ....

My sister said she didn't need a hymnal because she knew the lyrics to every Christmas song.

I told my brother, "Don't mind her, she's just a big noel-it-all."

Circus tonight

A man sits in a bar and his son arrives and asks him: "Daddy, will you come home?"

The dad replies: "Sure son and tell your mom that tonight there's a circus at home because the pole is already standing." The son goes home and tells the story to his mom.

The mom answers: "Tell dad that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes gonna get lucky tonight!

A woman has a pet parrot and every time she brings home a date the parrot says “Someone’s going to get lucky tonight!” The woman is embarrassed by this so she takes the parrot to the vet, she explains and the vet tells her the parrot is lonely and needs a mate. The woman then goes to the pet store a...

Friend: I invited Rob to dinner tonight!

Me: Which Rob? Cannibal Rob or Rob who can't spell?

(Text from Rob): Can't wait to meat you guys tonight!

Friend: I'm not sure...

Billions of prayers around the world are being answered tonight: World Peace!

As the United States government shuts down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m holding a charity tonight for people who can’t reach orgasm.

Let me know if you cant come

I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

I went to my first kick boxing class tonight...

Hopefully, I'll be able to quit boxing for good this time.

Our top story tonight: Famous playboy hugh hefner...

Famous playboy hugh hefner managed to stop an order of monks from operating their buisiness on his private property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, located just outside the playboy mansion, where they had been selling flowers. When interviewed, one monk said: "Well, if it wa...

A hillbilly girl tells her guy “How about we try reverse cowgirl tonight?”

He replies “Hey! You never turn your back on family.”

An old guy at Walmart told me this tonight (and acted like it was a true story)

“I was at the bar last night and as the night went on, this fat chick got up on the table and started dancing. She moving all over on the table and finally I look up and tell her, “Nice legs!” She’s like, “Thanks, you think?” I reply, “Of course, otherwise the table would have collapsed by now!”

My 12-year-old son was so happy when he found out tonight, for game night, is fort night.

Who knew kids that age still find joy making pillow and blanket tents?!

New girl at work tonight said she'd majored in Uralic languages, so I had to ask...

"Did you Finnish?"

Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son- “Dad I had sex for the first time tonight”

Dad-“ That’s great... sit down and tell me all about it”

Son-“I can’t, my butt still hurts!”

If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

Tonight I’m going to sleep like a baby!!!

Wake up repeatedly and have to cry myself back to sleep.

Husband (feeling frisky): How about we change positions tonight?

Wife: OK, you stand here and do the dishes and I'll sit on the couch and fart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife left a note on the fridge tonight,

“It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to mum’s.” it said.

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the fuck is she talking about?

I told my family we're eating vegan tonight

I don't know why they seemed so appalled. They're acting like this is the first night we're eating steak.

Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess?

How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't allowed to eat dessert tonight til after I masterbated...

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

While walking the dog tonight I heard new ideas and perspectives coming from the forest...

Then I realized it was enlightening bugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free sex tonight

At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
...

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

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