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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just was a bit drunk and accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight.....

Going for a shit tomorrow morning could spell TROUBLE.

As a guy, I had the scariest dream tonight

I was peeing.

If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

You know what they say about the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

The urge to sing is just a whim away

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now...

...and that's where I sleep.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to 69 tonight

She said 24 was the most guys shes done in a night

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

My six year old son told me a joke at dinner tonight and I absolutely loved it.

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

I’ve been dropping everything tonight.

It’s really getting out of hand.

Can I crash at your place tonight ?

No Hobo tho.

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I’ve made up a bed for him

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

Everyone be careful on the roads tonight

There will be a lot of drinking so men will have their wives drive for them

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner.
After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans
over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wi...

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I thought I’d surprise my new girlfriend after a recent movie talk we had. So, tonight when she came over, I had a Pornhub movie with a prostitute scenario on. She saw it, told me to never talk to her again, and stormed out.

I am starting to think she told me she likes “horror movies”...

The weather tonight will be like R. Kelly

It will be getting into the teens.

Tonight at 11:59 lift your left leg

So you can enter the new year on the right foot

I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

A leper gave me head tonight.

She said I may keep it.

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"No," I replied, and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast

if you make it that long

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I watched a great fireworks show tonight

Through the phone of the asshole in front of me.

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

Circus tonight

A man sits in a bar and his son arrives and asks him: "Daddy, will you come home?"

The dad replies: "Sure son and tell your mom that tonight there's a circus at home because the pole is already standing." The son goes home and tells the story to his mom.

The mom answers: "Tell dad that...

I've got a hot date tonight.

I burned my hand at work today.

How did Phil Collins know about Lorde?

She wasn't born until 1996 but In the Air Tonight was released in 1981

There was a blackout tonight.

It was caused by the current situation.

A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight.

He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.

The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to see the show. Is she ready to go?"

The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
...

In church tonight ....

My sister said she didn't need a hymnal because she knew the lyrics to every Christmas song.

I told my brother, "Don't mind her, she's just a big noel-it-all."

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

My 5yo told me this one tonight: “What did the person say when they went too far out into the ocean.”

Help me, I’m dying.

Billions of prayers around the world are being answered tonight: World Peace!

As the United States government shuts down

I met my daughter's teacher tonight, and it was heartbreaking.

She was working at her second job. Teachers are among the most underpaid and undervalued people on Earth.

I decided to give her $50 for a lap dance, so I'm doing my part.

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…

What a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble…

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

Friend: I invited Rob to dinner tonight!

Me: Which Rob? Cannibal Rob or Rob who can't spell?

(Text from Rob): Can't wait to meat you guys tonight!

Friend: I'm not sure...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Wel...

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

I went to my first kick boxing class tonight...

Hopefully, I'll be able to quit boxing for good this time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes gonna get lucky tonight!

A woman has a pet parrot and every time she brings home a date the parrot says “Someone’s going to get lucky tonight!” The woman is embarrassed by this so she takes the parrot to the vet, she explains and the vet tells her the parrot is lonely and needs a mate. The woman then goes to the pet store a...

Our top story tonight: Famous playboy hugh hefner...

Famous playboy hugh hefner managed to stop an order of monks from operating their buisiness on his private property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, located just outside the playboy mansion, where they had been selling flowers. When interviewed, one monk said: "Well, if it wa...

[Bad Pickup Line] I know I'm not the best looking guy here tonight...

but I'm the only one talking to you...

I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

A hillbilly girl tells her guy “How about we try reverse cowgirl tonight?”

He replies “Hey! You never turn your back on family.”

An old guy at Walmart told me this tonight (and acted like it was a true story)

“I was at the bar last night and as the night went on, this fat chick got up on the table and started dancing. She moving all over on the table and finally I look up and tell her, “Nice legs!” She’s like, “Thanks, you think?” I reply, “Of course, otherwise the table would have collapsed by now!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m holding a charity tonight for people who can’t reach orgasm.

Let me know if you cant come

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

Husband (feeling frisky): How about we change positions tonight?

Wife: OK, you stand here and do the dishes and I'll sit on the couch and fart.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son- “Dad I had sex for the first time tonight”

Dad-“ That’s great... sit down and tell me all about it”

Son-“I can’t, my butt still hurts!”

My 12-year-old son was so happy when he found out tonight, for game night, is fort night.

Who knew kids that age still find joy making pillow and blanket tents?!

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

Tonight I’m going to sleep like a baby!!!

Wake up repeatedly and have to cry myself back to sleep.

New girl at work tonight said she'd majored in Uralic languages, so I had to ask...

"Did you Finnish?"

Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say ...

I told my family we're eating vegan tonight

I don't know why they seemed so appalled. They're acting like this is the first night we're eating steak.

Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

While walking the dog tonight I heard new ideas and perspectives coming from the forest...

Then I realized it was enlightening bugs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife left a note on the fridge tonight,

“It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to mum’s.” it said.

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the fuck is she talking about?

I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess?

How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wasn't allowed to eat dessert tonight til after I masterbated...

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

Tonight's firework show reminds me of my dad

Really exciting for 30 minutes, then completely gone for a year

England playing in the semis tonight,

I haven’t been this nervous about a semi since my uncle walking into the shower room

If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Free sex tonight

At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Having sex with a chicken and an egg tonight.

Il let you know which comes first . Either way we're all getting laid.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bad news for dyslexics tonight...

...your cocks go black...

Moore doesn’t care that he lost tonight NSFW

word on the street is he prefers to come in a little behind.

Tonight's 7PM evening service sermon is "What is hell?".

Come early at 5PM and listen to our choir practice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

From my job tonight, doing phone surveys: "How would you describe your sexual orientation?"

"Horizontal -- but sometimes we like to switch it up."

Wow a lot of police in my neighbourhood tonight...

Apparently, the barber got arrested. He was dealing in drugs and running an escort service. Crazy how you think that you know someone, have been customer for years! Never knew he was a barber too...

J.R. Smith can't wait for the NBA Finals to end tonight...

He thinks Cleveland is up 3-1.

Man says to his wife, "How about a bit tonight then?"

Wife replies, "Not tonight, I'm having a check-up with my gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be all nice and clean and fresh."

Man says, "You're not going to the dentist as well though, are you?"

Tonight’s DD

One night a police officer is sitting outside a bar, soon after he arrives he sees a man stumble out of the bar and towards his car. He reaches his vehicle and pulls out his keys, fumbling and dropping them multiple times. He then proceeds to attempt to insert the key into the car door, missing the ...

I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.

I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to commit suicide tonight

Walked into my garage, turned on my car, sat there for 3 hours and nothing! That's when I remembered... Fuck I drive a Tesla!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not tonight dear, I have a headache

A Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
...

I'm eating Himalayan deer for dinner tonight.

On account I found Himalayan on the road.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser....