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Tomorrow Jokes

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The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

Ramadhan starts tomorrow, here's a joke

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view...

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Remember to poop tomorrow before midnight

You don't want to be carrying the same shit into a new year

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

Tomorrow isn't just mother's day

It's son-day as well

Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow

"Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow. Can you call me an Uber tomorrow at 8am?"

"Sure thing, that sounds strange, but I can do it for you my son, love you, good night."

At 8am the next day.

"Uber, wake up now, aren't you going to an interview?!"

Tomorrow I am having a brain transplant

Change my mind

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

It's National Narcolepsy Day tomorrow

Only six more sleeps!

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A teacher sent out an announcement that her class will have a day off tomorrow.

One of her students comes home to tell his grandfather. *I don't have to go to school tomorrow, can you take me to the park?* He agrees.

He immediately calls his secretary at work. *Something came up so probably we can't meet up at the hotel tomorrow, let's do it some other time?* She agrees....

I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"

and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on

Massive trump rally scheduled for tomorrow

Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

I'm starting a new business tomorrow.

It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.

I'm calling it, "Resolutions."

A time sensitive joke for you guys tomorrow..

Knock Knock




Who’s there?



9/11



9/11 who?




You said you’d never forget.

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"Dad, there is a small get-together tomorrow at my school."

"Small get-together? How small?"
"Just you and me... and the principal."

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A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick."

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick." The boss thought he was joking and paid it no mind.
The next day, sure enough he wasn't at work. The boss calls him and says "What are you doing? Why aren't you at work?:
...

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomorrow

Son, you're adopted

"I Knew it! I want to meet my biological parents."

"We are your biological parents, your adoptive parents will come for you tomorrow."

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow!

A married couple, Harry, and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “**Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?**
She said she would like something electric.”
Harry replies, “How about a chair?”

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

People say I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow

But there’s always tomorrow

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Why is tomorrow always sexually frustrated?

Because it never comes!!!!

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow...

Does anyone know how to delete the memory, from my memory foam mattress?

Yesterday my manager said, "I'm off tomorrow, but if I come back and find that you've made one more mistake then you'll be fired."

So today, to save myself, I've made plenty of mistakes.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.

Supermarkets are putting up the price of vodka by 1p to £20.00 from tomorrow.

So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99...

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I’ll just see what happens

I have an archaeology exam tomorrow

And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way...

My future's in ruins.

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Lent joke to tell tomorrow for Easter

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
...

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam...

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snic...

Dress really warm tomorrow...

... it’s going to be minus 45

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, “Hey boss, what’s the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?”

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow?

I'd move to Bosnia because the country is 10 years behind everyone.

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

As it is the month of Ramadan

A man goes to an imam and says "I want to get married, find me a spouse."

The imam says "I can't promise I can find you a spouse but if you fast tomorrow, by sunset you'll have a date."

I’m getting circumcised tomorrow

any tips?

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

A- What are you doing tomorrow?

B- I'm getting new glasses because mine broke
A- And after?
B- I will see

Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting...

...that Neymar is ready to roll.

Tomorrow is the future...

But also the Present Day.

What to do call a banana that you’ll eat tomorrow?

Banyana

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

Tomorrow I'll go to the orphanage...

... and beat up some children. I mean, what would they do? Tell their parents?

How did my cat know tomorrow's weather?

He looked at the fur-cast

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

I have my end semester exam tomorrow

The joke is that I couldn't get into college

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Have my exam tomorrow! 'The biology of beastiality'

If anyone needs me, ill be in my lab.

I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow

I can't wait

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"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon"

There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following d...

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business tri...

I’m not sure if I should go to the funeral tomorrow

Remains to be seen.

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Tomorrow is National Sex Day...

.. and the only thing I’m fucking is ....stupid.

My wife asked me to wake her up with a facial tomorrow morning

7 a.m. on the nose.

I'm hosting an edging party tomorrow.

You can't come.

I'm calling in sick tomorrow for blunt force trauma,

After taking too many hits.

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

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The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

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A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.

'We have something for everyone!', the sign read.

His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, 'I am married, but you know, we don't really do it frequently'.

The shopkeeper said, 'I have just the thing for you.'
...

Dad: "Your teenage brother will drive you to your mom's house tomorrow." Kid:"What about the baby?"

Dad: "The baby doesn't have a driver's license."

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

I'll start watching all my videos at 4k(2160p) from tomorrow.

Its my new year's resolution.

Tomorrow, I was at another job interview.

I replied "Time Travel."

"What're your strengths... Wait a minute."

Astounded he asked.

I’m getting a vasectomy tomorrow

I’ll tell my urologist she can start with either side because ultimately it doesn’t make a vas deferens.

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Did you guys know tomorrow they’ll only be 7 planets left?

Because tonight I’m destroying Uranus!

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A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow

She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of sex?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."

I’m told that I should speak to people as if tomorrow is their last day alive

But apparently yelling, “if you screw up tomorrows order I’m gonna kill you!” at the barista gets you banned from Starbucks for life.

Are you doing anything tomorrow?

No.

Great do you want to...

I said I'm not doing anything tomorrow

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

The postman told me he was going on holiday to spain tomorrow

I asked if he was going to parcelona

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I'm turning 50 tomorrow and my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did...

She's 22 and her name is Candy...

It is my wife's birthday tomorrow.

She's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So I've bought her a magazine rack.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

From tomorrow on germany is going to have a male chancelor

Finally kids under 16 can see that a man can become everything!

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A woman walks into the produce section of the supermarket

And asks the man stocking oranges, "Excuse me sir, where can I find the broccoli?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli but we'll have some tomorrow."

The woman walks away. Comes back a few minutes later, taps the man on the shoulder and says, "Where's the bro...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

Two other guys pulled out from going on space flight tomorrow with William Shatner

Right after they were issued red shirts for the mission.

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...

Tomorrow I learned...

How to speak in the future tense.

Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.

Tomorrow we have to wake Green Day up.

When September ends.

If tomorrow is not the due date

Today is not the do date

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I just sold viagra to a guy who thinks it's adderal.

He's going to have a very hard test tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

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I'm holding a seminar about early ejaculation tomorrow at 10am.

But if you can come early, let me know.

Ugh I have a dentist appointment tomorrow

It's at 2:30

True story. I didn't notice it was funny until my gf told me

Tomorrow....

.....I'm going to join the Procrastinators Society.

It's Jamaican hair day tomorrow

I'm dreadin' it

Patient: I need a doctors appointment please. Receptionist: Ok, how about 10 tomorrow?

Patient: No, I don’t need that many.

My wife asked me if I wanted to go bowling or if we would stay home tomorrow.

I replied; “I don’t feel like shoving my fingers in some holes where a bunch of weirdos have been inside before me. So let’s go bowling”

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

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The doctor gave an old patient a canister and said to bring in a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the patient returned, but the canister was empty.

He said, "I tried with my right hand, but it didn't work."

"I tried with my left hand, but it didn't work."

"I called in my wife and she tried with her right hand, but it still didn't work. Then she tried with her le...

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Remember, tomorrow is Adolf Hitler’s birthday

I’ve got a cake all ready for him in the oven

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

I came home and found that my wife has been on Ebay the whole day.

If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

The new job

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:...

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

Tomorrow is Downs Syndrome Awareness Day

You're supposed to wear crazy socks.

I'm just going to wear extra jeans.

It's Jamaica hairstyle day at work tomorrow.

I'm dreading it.

A father takes his son to the casino.

A father takes his son to the casino and they lose $1,000 in one hour.
Dad tells his disappointed son “don’t worry son we’ll come back tomorrow and do better”
The next day they come back to the casino and the dad grabs $1,000 and throws it in the garbage and heads for the exit.
The son asks...

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

New York Times headline:World Ends Tomorrow!

Women and minorities hit hardest.

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's really going on.

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