This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

If you had inherited 1 million dollars tomorrow, how would you use it? I would go to the cinema to watch a movie, buy one popcorn and one large drink.

​

Then invest the remaining $3.48.

I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday.

This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah.

I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, load up on carbs and don't work out.

Tomorrow is Downs Syndrome Awareness Day

You're supposed to wear crazy socks.

I'm just going to wear extra jeans.

On which day most people start their diet plan?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.




“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”




That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know there will only be 7 planets tomorrow?

Because *I'm going* to *destroy* Uranus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have an appointment with a premature ejaculation support group tomorrow. I wasn't sure what I should wear.

They said just come in your pants

Tomorrow I learned...

How to speak in the future tense.

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

I'll start watching all my videos at 4k(2160p) from tomorrow.

Its my new year's resolution.

Unbelievable! I need to have a lobotomy tomorrow

I'm gonna give the surgeon a piece of my mind

Much like this sub, I’m headed to the landfill tomorrow

To repost your trash.

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

TIL I’m slightly less concerned if the world ends tomorrow

It’s already tomorrow in Australia

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've got to go to hospital tomorrow to have a mole removed from the end of my cock,

That's the last time I try and fuck one of those.

I met this little boy today who told me he is starting at a new school tomorrow and was afraid that the other kids would bully him.

I told him, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize. Why would anyone pick on you?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and...

I have a Dentist appointment tomorrow ...

Its at 2.30 ...

I'm stoked to have my final college test of the semester tomorrow!

Wish me merry Xams!

Me: Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m planning to run a half marathon tomorrow.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

I am driving through England, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, “Hey boss, what’s the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?”

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How coul...

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's such a shame about tomorrow's session on Prophecies

It got cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Hello class and today ill be teaching you how to procrastinate

Actually, why dont you come back tomorrow.

Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting...

...that Neymar is ready to roll.

I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.

It was ahead of its time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Taking a poop and practicing a speech for class tomorrow.

Even my ass is jealous of the amount of crap that's coming out of my mouth.

A: I have a huge problem. B: Are you talking about the test tomorrow?

A: I have two huge problems.

My friend calls his girlfriend "Tomorrow"

...because tomorrow never comes.

Massive trump rally scheduled for tomorrow

Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!

Call a girl beautiful a million times and she'll forget about it tomorrow, call a girl fat and she'll never let it go...

That's because elephants never forget.

I hear National Impotence Month starts tomorrow...

but I just can't get excited.

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business tri...

Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization

It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.

My friend was bummed today because his blind dog has cancer and he is going to have to put her down tomorrow.

I wanted to cheer him up, so I said “well, at least she won’t see it coming.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

how do you keep a bunch of Assholes in suspense?

I'll tell ya'll tomorrow

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm turning 50 tomorrow and my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did...

She's 22 and her name is Candy...

Predicting Reddit tomorrow

"TIFU by looking directly at the eclipse"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today an tomorrow have sex

But no matter how much they tried 'tomorrow ' couldn't orgasm because they say "Tomorrow never comes".

The Pope is flying to Ireland tomorrow for a papal visit.

Do you think he will use virgin airways?
Like the clergy?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomorrow

A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. “How about 10 tomorrow?”

Man: “I don’t need that many”.

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

Tomorrow isn't just mother's day

It's son-day as well

„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

Tomorrow I get to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday!

And in 31 days I get to stop celebrating my girlfriend's birthday!

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Here's a FedEx joke

Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

Remember, tomorrow is Adolf Hitler’s birthday

I’ve got a cake all ready for him in the oven

There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I've got nothing on.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."

The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.

He asks hopefully, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.

"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."

He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed. ...

My Grandmaster Friend is getting married to his Slav girlfriend tomorrow

He found his Czech mate

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

I have a drug test tomorrow.

I’m gonna study real hard tonight so I can pass it.

Tomorrow is Irish constipation relief day

May the third be with you!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

My brother isn’t going for a bike ride tomorrow because his brakes don’t work

That shouldn’t stop him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New job

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour....

Procrastinators Unite!

Tomorrow

The world is ending tomorrow and you have 10 bucks. What do you buy?

A pack of Lifesavers

Ramadhan starts tomorrow for me, so here a joke

There were two white christian men, Trump and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a ...

Just asked Siri 'surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?'

Siri replied, 'yes it will be and don't call me Shirley'

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode

Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?

They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.

Starting tomorrow I'm gonna stop being a depressed, anxious teenager.

That's right, I'm turning 20!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher sent out an announcement that her class will have a day off tomorrow.

One of her students comes home to tell his grandfather. *I don't have to go to school tomorrow, can you take me to the park?* He agrees.

He immediately calls his secretary at work. *Something came up so probably we can't meet up at the hotel tomorrow, let's do it some other time?* She agrees....

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

that's it, move along.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife told me she was taking the dog to the vets tomorrow...

Because every time I am out of the house and she bends over it tries to have sex with her. I said you cant have him put down because of that, she replied who said anything about getting him put down, I am getting his nails trimmed.

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.

Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.

Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

I asked a hooker if she's free tomorrow...

she said nah, same price

Tomorrow we will finally be able to say, at least for a short while:

Trump hasn't said anything stupid all year.

Just remember Americans, if Ajit Pai wins tomorrow...

At least he will feel pride and accomplishment.

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...