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Noon Jokes

“Boss, I’m sorry I didn’t show up until noon today, but…

…this morning I unexpectedly became a father”.
“Well then congratulations, is it a boy or a girl”?
“I won’t know that for nine months”.

Noone actually dreams in color.

It's just a pigment of your imagination.

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.

A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:

\- No one has arrived yet?

\...

Why does noone laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases have no reactions.

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Why did noone see Zelenskyys balls so far?

Because the light cant escape the gravity well...


PS: You can really assume the mass of his balls indirectly through effect it has on surrounding world.

Day and Noon run into each other and Day says, “Bye Noon!” Noon replies with:

“It’s high Noon.”

I made this im proud of myself-

Why do funerals always happen before noon?

It's the perfect time in the mourning

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

What does noone mean?

No one can tell me.

Two people go into an empty bus...

three go out.

The biologist says: "They reproduced"

The physicist says: "There was a measuring error"

The mathematician says: "Now one has to go in so there\`s noone in the bus"

Noone in Antarctica has COVID19 because..

They are ice-o-lated.

Noone laughed when i fell while skating.

But the ice sure cracked up.

I made a miscarriage joke at a party last night but noone laughed.

I probably didn't deliver it correctly

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

What do you call a fist fight at noon?

A lunchbox

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost?

"I know what I saw."

John asks out a girl and girl says "at 19:00 come to my house, noone will be there"

So in the evening he goes to girl's house and no one is there

My liberal friend asked me why we think owning gun is a God given right when noone in Bible had one.

I corrected him that Paul had epistle...

There's a man who can't get out of bed before noon.

No matter how hard he tries, or how early he gets to sleep, he just cannot get out of bed before noon. For twenty years, his wife puts up with him until she suddenly dies in a freak accident.

The man meets a nurse at the ER who is also going through a life tragedy and they fall for each other...

Sphinx: What has four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night?

Me: A radioactive vietnamese soldier.

EDIT:
Sphinx: No no he’s got a point.

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

I have a noon appointment with the horse doctor

How that horse became a doctor I do not know

When Mad cow disease was going around, noone knew what to do.

It was utter madness.

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

How do you greet an anti-vaxxer before noon?

Good mourning.

A Slovenian, American and German are bragging, who has the fastest workers …

German says, we start developing a brand new Mercedes in August, I can already drive my wife in it to Octoberfest.

American says, that is nothing, we start building a new rocket in June 20th, on July 4th is already on the way to Moon.

Slovenian says ha, rookies, we start building a new...

Why do Texans duel at high noon?

They distrust clocks.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?

The screen stays black when you check the time.

If a tree falls in the forest and noone is around to hear it..

..does a hipster buy its album?

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

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A priest and a pretty nun ride the bus home….

The priest approaches the nun and says “excuse me sister of the cloth, I don’t suppose you would give me a blowjob?”

Shocked, the nun replies “father, I cannot, I am devoted to god and my body belongs to him and him alone”

She hurries off the bus in disgust.

The bus arrives at t...

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for...

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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

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We celebrate Christmas early in our household.

We have to, I'm usually shitfaced by noon.

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you ...

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

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A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.

It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.

Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. ...

A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....

....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o’clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says “I bet you $100 he does it.” Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...

A few minutes later, bartender comes back. “I’m sorry man, I can’t t...

Three old farts talking

Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.

The 70-year-old says,

\- “I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."

The 80-year-old says,

\- “It’s my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always h...

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Xi Jinping woke up one morning...

Xi Jinping woke up one morning and went to his balcony, where the Sun was rising in the east. The Sun greeted him: “Good morning, comrade Xi!” the Sun said, “I hope you slept well.”

Xi was extremely pleased with himself that the Sun spoke to HIM. After his meetings, at noon, Xi went for a w...

What do stoners call midday?

High noon.

A joke my art teacher told my class

There was a little down in Italy with a church with a bell. The priest would have to run up 80 flights of stairs to reach the bell and ring it to show the people it was noon. Now, the priest was old and could not longer walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He decided it would be best to find an ass...

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Three Paddy's stranded in the desert

Three men; Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman, were stranded in the desert where they found a magic lamp.

Paddy Irishman picked it up, gave it a rub and a genie popped out and exclaimed "You have set me free! I'll grant you all one wish each!"

Paddy Scotsman went first...

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My mom called me son of bitch..

I punched her because noone is allowed to speak badly about my mom. Then I punched myself because noone is allowed to beat my mom. Then she punched me because noone is allowed to beat her son. Then she punched herself because noone is allowed to beat me. Then I punched her because noone is allowed t...

Accidents keep happening consistently at 12:12 in the afternoon.

Dammit noon noon

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

When do cowboys like to smoke weed?

High noon.

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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Small cake day joke..

Went to the doctor about my fear of palidromes.. I was shaking by the time I got there at noon, then the bastard gave me xanax and told me he had a racecar!!

When people tell me I'll regret this in the morning

I sleep till noon

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,


Two thousand men and women immediately
stop work and leave the building.


"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."


"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. <...

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The Leader of East Germany Goes to Work

One fine Summer morning, the Leader of East Germany Erich Honecker goes to his office, looks out the window and says "Good morning, Sun!"

The Sun replies "Good morning, Erich!"

Then Honecker starts his day and works until Noon. Coming back into the office after his lunch break, he look...

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Nex...

Lots of people talk about werewolves...

But noone ever asks whenwolves

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I Got Pull Over Today (real conversation with cop)

So….today I got pulled over about 15 feet from the front of my building on my way to work for rolling a stop as I was putting my seatbelt on. I just left it unbuckled so he didn’t think I was trying to pull one over on him.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m an...

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1st old man says "I wish I could pee with no problems", 2nd old man says "I wish I could poop easily", 3rd old man says "I easily do both by 10am...."

".... problem is, I don't wake up til noon"

Everyone laughed when i told them I was going to be a comedian

Noone is laughing now...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

Everyone has heard about Among US.

Hopefully there’s gonna be noone among EU.

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Lil Maria

Maria is a happy first grader. She's also the only blonde girl in her class. Everyday she gets home and tells her mom about school.

"Mama, today we learned numbers and i could already count to three when noone else could! 1..2..3! Is that cuz im blonde?" " Yes sweetie, that's cuz youre blonde...

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The story of the bull Pete the Ballsack and the cow Mary the Untouchable

Once upon a time, there was this bull named Pete the Ballsack. Pete the Ballsack was this alpha bull and could have any cow he wanted. All except one. The one that always seemed to get away was Mary the Untouchable. To Pete the Ballsack's defence, she was kept in a barbed-wire fence encasement, so i...

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

My brother and I are twins, we share a gym membership.

Every other week I don't go, the others he doesn't go. So far, noone noticed.

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The thing about Virgin guys is..

that noone gives a fuck

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broccoli

So there is a kid working at Wollworth. One day he is working fruit and veg, he is putting out some apples and an old lady approaches him "excuse me, do you have any broccoli?"

The kid has a look around "I'm sorry, i think we have sold out at the moment, but we should have some more in tomorr...

What did the lonely ball of dough say?

Noone kneads me :(

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A man goes to the hospital and says to the doctor

“I’m here for my premature ejaculation exam”

“But it’s noon and your appointment is for 5:30!”

“See doc, I came too early!”

A man is pulled over for speeding

As the officer walks towards the man seated in his car, the man pleads: "please officer, my girlfriend is pregnant and I need to hurry!"

The officer glances at the empty passenger seat beside the man and asks: "okay, but where is your girlfriend?"

The man points towards the road he jus...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

Guy goes to prison

He has heard lots of stories so he always tries to shower only when noone else is around. This goes quite well for a couple of days.

Then one day, he drops the soap while showering. He timidly looks everywhere before bending over to make sure noone is around. Once he gets a hold of the soap t...

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If my life was a sex position it would be reverse cowgirl

Because noone will look me in the eye and I'm not in control

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

A man wins the lottery

He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife “WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick”. The woman all excited replied “should I pack for cold or hot weather?” To which the man said “I don’t care as long as you are out of my house by noon”

Dark one

Women are like parking spots, the best ones
already taken so when noone is looking stick it into a disabled one.

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One, if noone is watching.

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An uncomfortable circumstance.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down ther...

A joke from Ukraine about cultural differences [my translation].

[edit - grammar]

In a psychological experiment, three women - Arab, French, and Ukrainian - are asked the same question: "suppose you survive a shipwreck and are stranded on an uninhabited tropical island ... with fifteen brutal, muscular, stressed-out sailors, and noone else, what would you ...

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Two cowboys are sitting in a bar, and bragging.

After finishing his glass of whisky, the first cowboy says to the second one while pointing at the window: "See this bucket of flower on the other side of the road, I can shoot at all the flowers faster than you can blink".

The other cowboy, denied: "That's impossible! The fastest in the Wes...

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A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.

The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.

The ...

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, along with Mrs. Johnson's mother, go camping.

One morning when the Johnsons wake up, they notice that Mrs. Johnson's mother isn't in the tent. The look around the campsite, but she isn't there.

The Johnsons look all around the campground for hours, and around noon, find her face-to-face with an 800-pound grizzly bear!

"Quick! Do s...

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Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.

His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to...

We should build a wall Out of the Mueller report...

Because noone can get over it!

Three teenage girls...

Three teenage girls live in one block of flats. One day, after playing outside, they enter the building and find a white liquid on the floor.

13yo points it and says: Look, someone spilled milk here!

14yo smells it and says: No, that's a sperm!

15yo tastes it and says: Sure, it ...

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When the king and queen come to visit

Little Jonny is in class and the teacher says the king and queen will visit the school the next day. To make sure noone interrupts them they make signals. Raise 1 finger means you have to pee. Raise 2 fingers means you have to shit.

#

So the next day the king and queen visit the schoo...

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

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Jesus goes into a biker bar

Jesus goes into a biker bar and sees 3 men drinking at noon. One with a hunch back, one with a bum knee, and an old redneck.

Jesus walks over to the hunch back, puts his hand on the man's back, which immediately straightens. Hunch back says, thank you jesus. I'm healed!

Jesus walks ove...

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those dr...

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the ...

12:00 PM on 4/20...

It's high noon

Whay doesn't McCree eat at lunch buffets?

It's high noon, and Justice ain't gonna serve itself.

The Fisherman and the Industrialist

One day, around noon, a fisherman is sitting on the docks, smoking his pipe, next to his haul for the day. A wealthy industrialist sees this and is positively confounded.



"Why aren't you out fishing?" demands the industrialist to the fisherman.



"I have caught all the fi...

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