Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

How do you greet an anti-vaxxer before noon?

Good mourning.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.

High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

I have a noon appointment with the horse doctor

How that horse became a doctor I do not know

Why do Texans duel at high noon?

They distrust clocks.

How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?

The screen stays black when you check the time.

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.

During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.

“What too...

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

What do you call a fist fight at noon?

A lunchbox

Absolutely true story that is not fake

In school, I had a friend named Michael Locke. Every day, me and Michael would meet up at the bus stop and ride the school bus together.

Now, one day in sixth grade I slept over at Michael's house, and I had packed a small alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, because I was a *very* heav...

A Western Joke (OC)

Three brothers, Marty, Jim, and Joe Sly, were apprehended robbing a small town bank after shooting the security guard.

The judge sentenced them to death by hanging, but the people realized they didn't have a gallows.

They used a square box for the base, put a heavy pot on a raised pl...

Accidents keep happening consistently at 12:12 in the afternoon.

Dammit noon noon

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

...

The Texan Rancher and the Kentucky Farmer

A Texas Rancher was driving his truck through Kentucky one day when he sees a farmer out tending his field. He pulls over on a whim to talk to the farmer.

"Greetings friend! This looks like a pretty nice farm. How much land do you have?"

The Farmer gestures, "Well you see that river...

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Practice!!!

A farmer sees an advertisement for a virile rooster and immediately buys it. Upon returning home it puts him into the hen pen and goes for his noon siesta.
Upon returning he finds that the roster has fucked every single one of the 50 hens. The farmer is shocked but satisfied that he'll have a ric...

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you ...

A local church is holding auditions for a new bell ringer.

A line of applicants soon forms and the Reverend decides to test how well each can do the job.


After several people give it a go, one simple looking man caught the Reverend's attention by slamming his face into the church bell to make it sound.


"My friend that was impressive"...

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife th...

With a New Year I have started a new work out routine...

Doing diddly squats morning, noon, and night

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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[NSFW]George and Sarah had been married for 5 years

George and Sarah had been married for 5 years. It was a failing marriage. George couldn’t do anything in bed to impress Sarah and never got her to orgasm. He tried everything. As a last ditch attempt, he went to a psychic named Roxanne.

George asked Roxanne how to surprise Sarah in bed and g...

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Young cupple got married

On the morning the husbent says

I have one condition:

I eat 3 times a day in the morning at 7 am I want breakfast to be served either I'm here or not I want it to be served


At noon I want lunch at 12am to be served either I'm here or not


And I also want dinner to...

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

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A film director is getting ready early in the morning to start work.

It's 6am. There's a knock at his trailer door. He answers and a crew member tells him that they've been postponing too long and have to get to work asap.

The director knows this but appreciates the reminder. He only has time to get dressed, no brushing his teeth, no eating, nothing else. ...

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

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One day, little Johnny passes by his older brother’s room, where he overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone...

The only phrase Johnny caught was “Purple flowers.” The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions. Johnny raises his hand and asks, “What are purple flowers?” The teacher goes, “Johnny, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom. Go sit...

Whats the best time to get Arrested

At noon
Because the
*Hands are up*

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An older man retires, and decides to move to Mexico

because his modest savings will go a lot further there. He tries, but really struggles to learn the language and local customs. Some days he’d sleep until noon and enjoy being retired…but a few days a week he made it a point to wake up early, fry a couple of eggs, and head into town to immerse himse...

Guy runs into a bar

Guy runs into a bar around noon on a sunny day. He barrels his way towards the bar where no one but the bartender is around and says “quick, give me ten shots of your best whiskey!” Without skipping a beat, the bartender sets him with all ten shots lined up on the bar, and the guy hits them one afte...

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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Nex...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

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During It's 60th Year Anniversary, an Old Folk's Home Decided to Get a Magician to Perform.

This Magician Was Unlike Any Other Magician. He Specialised in Hypnosis.


That Day, He Brought His Family's Heirloom, a Pocket Watch Made of Gold.


At Noon, Everyone Gathered At the Home's Hall, Waiting for The Magician's Arrival.


Upon Arriving, the Magician Pulled Out...

Bill Clinton Dies and Goes to Heaven...

Bill Clinton dies and is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets Bill with some warmth and a smile. Bill is a bit confused, but goes along with the warm welcome. Further adding to Bill's confusion is what seems to be an infinite wall of old clocks.

Bill asks, "Peter, wha...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

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The more you know...

It's high noon when a stranger rides into town. His ride is not a horse but an enormous bull, with horns that appear bloodstained. The stranger is a mountain of a man standing six foot eight inches tall, seven with hat on. He wore black leather from head to toe, with a pair of pistols on his belt...

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A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other

A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other doing chores and caring for his land.

By noon just as he was enjoying lunch, a black government car comes rolling down the road. A few agents get out and slowly approach him.

“We are to perform a search of your premises on sus...

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ”

The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”

So the...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,

"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"

The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

Who wants to be a Millionaire?

A lady is on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and she has already won $500,000. She is on her last question with only the phone a friend left.

Chris Harrison: You can leave now with $500,000 dollars, or you can try for the million. If you fail to answer this last question you lose all your mon...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

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Good old Stalin.

So Stalin wakes up one morning and goes to his balcony, where the Sun is rising in the east.

"Good morning, comrade Sun!" he calls out.

"Good morning, comrade Stalin!" the Sun replies, "I hope you slept well."

At noon, Stalin goes for a walk, he looks up at the Sun and says, "go...

A university student writes a letter to her parents, hoping that it can convince them to give her money.

Dear Mom and Dad, College i$ going well. $o far, my cla$$e$ have not been too $tre$$ful and I've been learning a lot. My profe$$or$ are for the mo$t part very nice, with the exception of my economic$ profe$$or. I've al$o been making so many new friend$ and have been joining $o many new club$. I ju$t...

A priest lived behind his chapel

...and one morning, he heard a knock on his door. The priest opens the door and finds an armless man standing there.

"How can I help you, son?" Asks the priest.

"Well sir," said the fellow, "The name's Sam, and I'm down out of luck. It's hard to get by as an armless man, and I need to ...

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Jesus goes into a biker bar

Jesus goes into a biker bar and sees 3 men drinking at noon. One with a hunch back, one with a bum knee, and an old redneck.

Jesus walks over to the hunch back, puts his hand on the man's back, which immediately straightens. Hunch back says, thank you jesus. I'm healed!

Jesus walks ove...

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A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.

The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.

The ...

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A very quiet man married a naggy wife

He's a good provider and makes a lot of money as a farmer. Despite giving her everything she wants, she still complains and nags him everyday. Years into the marriage, he starts to feel fed up being nagged by the wife. One day he took his wife to his farm and pushed her into a 10 foot deep hole. Fro...

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A farmer had a

Audi Quattro in his garage. He did maintained his car very well. Also he had a horse and few chickens and their chicks. On his field he dug a pitt . Once the chicken were scratching the ground near the pitt for seed and worms the chicks were following them .While doing this the chicks fell into the...

There was this quaint old town . . .

There was this quaint old town, but it had a huge church with a large bell at the top. Every day at noon, a man who had the job of ringing the bell would hit it. A young orphan boy would always go wait around the back of the church to listen to the bells ring. One day, the priest noticed him. "Wh...

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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but t...

The CEO of a big company got abducted...

The abductors released a message through the PA system:

"Prepare ten million by noon or we burn him alive!"

The employees frantically decided to gather, and one proposed to pitch in together in order to help out.

Some pitched in five litres, some pitched in ten.

For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- ...

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A woman home alone gets a knock on the door at midday...

She opens the door to a man who says "Do you have a vagina?"
Outraged she slams the door.
The next day, again around noon there is a knock on the door. The same man is there and asks again "Do you have a vagina?"
"Pervert" she utters as she slams the door again.
Later that day she tells ...

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"Can you whistle Timmy?"

When Little Timmy tried it too,
He found, in pain and plight -
No matter what he thought to do,
He couldn't do it right.

He pursed his lips by dusk and day;
He breathed and blew, and soon -
He huffed and puffed in every way,
At morning, night, and noon!

'I'll have to ...

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[LONG] A cowboy is walking through the desert.

He's incredibly exhausted and he's just had the last few drops of his water, so naturally he gets super fucking pumped when he reaches a town. The town is the normal, cliché Western town, complete with a bank for robbing, a saloon for drinking, a sheriff for sheriffing, and a tumbleweed store for dr...

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Alice, Ted and Phillip survive a plane crash and were marooned on a deserted island..

The island was small and hot, but there was enough food and fresh water to sustain them. Alice was gorgeous - fit in every way - but was recently engaged and very much in love with her fiance whom she hoped to be reunited with shortly.

The three passed the days as chums, building a modest ...

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

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The Smiths move to a small town called Kwisition...

They're a white family, and all of their neighbors belong to various ethnic backgrounds. African-Americans (the Jacksons), Arabs (the Husseins), Italians (the Capitanis), Japanese (the Takedas), Spanish (the Garcias), Brazilian (the Silveiras), and many others.

The closest neighbors to the Sm...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

A joke my art teacher told my class

There was a little down in Italy with a church with a bell. The priest would have to run up 80 flights of stairs to reach the bell and ring it to show the people it was noon. Now, the priest was old and could not longer walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He decided it would be best to find an ass...

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

Whay doesn't McCree eat at lunch buffets?

It's high noon, and Justice ain't gonna serve itself.

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1st old man says "I wish I could pee with no problems", 2nd old man says "I wish I could poop easily", 3rd old man says "I easily do both by 10am...."

".... problem is, I don't wake up til noon"

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Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teach...

12:00 PM on 4/20...

It's high noon

A man visits a dentist

He has horrible pain in his mouth.

The dentist examines him, and says, "There is extensive damage in here, what is your diet like?"
The man says, "Hollandaise sauce. Morning, noon and night. I eat it on everything."
"Well, the damage seems very extensive, but I think I can fix it. You w...

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The 4 Year Old Builder

A young family moved into a house next to an empty plot in Corringham, Essex. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 4 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the work...

A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside

A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside when they approached the gates of a monastery. A sign on the gates announced “Public lunch served daily. Fish and chips our speciality.” The couple were quite hungry and, seeing that the noon hour had just passed, they decided to ...

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A prisoner is sentenced to be executed.

The execution shall take place at noon some day next week. The exact day, however, will come as a surprise.

Saturday eve before that week, the prisoner discovers a paradox. If he isn't executed by Friday, then he must be executed on Saturday. This will no lot be a surprise, however, so he kno...

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Early in the morning, an East German man named Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window.

He greets the Sun, saying: "Good morning, dear Sun!"

"Good morning, dear Honecker" the sun replies.

Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"

"Good day, dear Honecker!" the sun replies.

In the evening, Honecker calls it a d...

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A woman and her bets

A withered old woman was trying to convince the president of a very high-end bank to give her a sizable loan. The man refused, because she was unemployed.
"I'm not unemployed," she said, "I'm a professional better."
The man, intrigued, asked her what she meant.
"I make bets for a living. ...

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A Little Old Lady....

.....walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the littl...

An Indian farmer is speaking to a farmer from Texas...

The Texan asked "How large is your farm?"
The Indian replied, "See that light pole? My farm is about from where standing to there. How about yours?"
The Texan nodded and said, "If you wake up at the crack of dawn and you begin to drive, and you drive and drive and drive, at about noon, you wi...

At what time in the day do rockets eat and why?

At noon because they take LAUNCH.

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

It's an old joke, it's long, but it's one of my favorites.

Dave and Mike are two friends and are hanging out, just talking and having a good time. Suddenly, the Prime Minister of Canada walks up to them with a huge smile on his face and says, "Hey Dave! Long time no see!" Mike is in shock and just listens to Dave and the PM chat, laugh and act lie they're o...

A Man has his needs.

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of s...

A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and ...

In medeval times, the town bell toller died, and the priest was looking for a replacement

The next day, a gent showed up and said he was perfect for the job. Without introducing himself, he charged up the bell tower steps, with the priest following behind.

Instead of pulling the rope to ring the bell, the man backed up to the wall of the tower, put his head down, and charged like...

Once upon a time, two race horses were born...

This is long, but worth it.

Their names were Herman and Berman and they were twins. Herman was born just slightly before Berman. Herman and Berman were colts of average work horses and were to work the fields everyday. One day Herman and Berman decide to have a race. Everyday at noon, the lu...

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Two guys are on a camping trip...

and are at each others throats. Seeing as they've been best friends for years, they know how to handle the situation. Both agree to sleep on it, part ways in the morning and meet for dinner after blowing off some steam.

So later that night, they tell each other about their respective days. "M...

A man named Arthur gets in deep with the mob....

So this guy, Arthur, is in some serious debt. He's tried everything he can think of to make some money but can't seem to break even. Out of ideas, he makes contact with the local mob boss, Big Sal and says he'll do Sal's dirty work for some cash. The mob boss agrees and says he needs three rival mob...

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the ...

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You might have heard this one before, but an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American....

Are captured by cannibals. They are brought before the leader who says,

"In honor of our Gods and the Great Festival of Watchachoochoo, we will witness your suicide tomorrow at noon. We will then make a canoe from your skin to float down the holy river towards the sun."

The next day ...

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An Irishman's first blow job [slightly nsfw]

A middle aged Irishman walks up to a bar before noon and asks for six shots of whiskey.


Concerned, the bartender asks, "Uhm. Is this all for you? I don't see any friends with you. It's awful early."


The Irishman nods and smiles. "Yes yes. Only me."


The bartender pla...

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A student was working on her doctorate in anthropology ...

and researching for her thesis titled “Dichotomous Dystopian Misogyny in Contemporary Central American Folklore”. She traveled to rural Mexico to track down Poncho ‘Two Guns’ Valdez, a mythic bandito of the Central American highlands.


She walked into a bar and asked the bar tender. “Do yo...

A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.

In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.

So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making...

A Dr. was trying to call his patient...

A Dr. was trying to call his patient all afternoon. The phone would ring and ring and ring. The next day he tries calling again, starting at 8am, hoping to catch them before work. Finally around noon they answer.

The Dr. is relieved, and says "I have some good news and bad news, which do you...

An armless homeless man walks into a church.

There was a help wanted sign on the door. He asks the priest what kind of help the church needs.

"Bell ringer" says the priest.
"I can ring a bell" says the armless homeless man.

The priest looked at the man with concern.

"I can do it, I really need this opportunity!" He pr...

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An old man is sitting on his porch

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a group of teenaged boys walking down the street. As the boys get closer he notices that have something rolled up under their arms. "Hey, what you boys got there?" "Don't worry about it old man," say the boys. "What is that under your arms!?" he asks a...

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Betting Jokes

Last night I got thrown out of the casino. As a sports bettor I completely misunderstood the crap table.

~

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Suzan, pack up your things. I just won a ฿1000 20 leg parlay!” Suzan replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man ...

Reporters interview people in the country side

Sorry for the half bad translation.

Some reporters went to a village to make a documentary about how John is spending the day.
They asked him to tell everything he does during the day.
- Well, i wake up in the morning and i drink a shot of whiskey.
- Wait, man. I don't think it's bet...

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The principal of a school stops by a teacher's room...

and tells her, "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, you're going to have three new students today, from out in the country."
The teacher prepares three new desks, and waits all morning, but no new students show up. That is, until one boy in a pair of overalls runs in at about 10:00 a.m. and say...

A Californian, an Oregonian and a Washingtonian all head out on a fishing trip...

It's a beautiful day in the Cascades of Oregon and all three men are enjoying themselves - although a fervent discussion about which state is the superior state has sprung up, initiated by the Californian who won't shut up about, well, everything that California is better at. At noon, they stop by...

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