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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

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Sunday School Suzy

There was once a girl named Suzy. She went to Sunday school at her local church every week. Her parents were lenient so she slept through most of the days. One day while Suzy was asleep she was called on by the teacher. The teacher asked “Suzy, what is the name of our lord and saviour?”. Suzy didn’t...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

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Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
“There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentar...

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During our church service one Sunday...

a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That’s okay. We like bi...

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it

...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.

Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.

Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: “TEE UP A NEW BALL.”

He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.

He hears the voice again: “ TAKE A ...

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." ...

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually, she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted...

I hope I don’t get diarrhea on Sunday night

Otherwise I’ll be attending the Super Bowel

The Sunday School teacher was explaining Sodom and Gomorrah.

TEACHER: "And God told Lot to take his wife and flee out of the city, but not to look back. But Lot's wife looked back, and turned into a pillar of salt."

The children were obviously shocked. One tentatively raised his hand.

TEACHER: "Yes, Billy?"

BILLY: "But what happened to th...

A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper

when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the n...

Prostitutes are like Sundays.

They have got no class and usually adults are found sleeping over them.

Sunday Morning

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said.

   1. They don’t like me
   2. I don’t like them.”

His mother...

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A man wife and their dog go hunting every Sunday.

One dreary Sunday morning the wife turns to her husband and says, “Honey, I don’t feel like going out today; I don’t feel well and it’s raining”

“What? We go hunting every Sunday! Get out of bed you’ll be fine” says the husband.

Wife says “ I’m not in the mood at all. We can always go ...

(long) A man with no arms is looking for a job...

... and the only listing he can find is a position ringing the bell every Sunday at a local church. He inquires about the job with the priest in charge of the church, and the priest immediately expresses skepticism that this man can do the job without arms.

"Father, has my absolute word that ...

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my f...

The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ...

They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.

It's a glorious Sunday morning...

... and a parish priest is just waking up. He looks out of the window, sees the glorious day, and decides to pull a sicky - he phones the Bishop and says he's not well and can't perform Mass. The Bishop says not to worry, he'll sort things out.

As soon as the Bishop is off the line, the pri...

Johnny and Sarah are in Sunday School ...

Johnny and Sarah are sitting in Sunday school class when Sarah begins to fall asleep. The teacher notices this and decides to embarrass Sarah by asking her a question. The teacher asks, "Sarah, who created the heavens and the earth?" Johnny decides to help Sarah out and wake her up, so he covertly t...

A guy plays golf every Sunday morning with his friends...

This coming Sunday happens to be his 25th wedding anniversary. He wants to play golf as usual. His wife wants him to spend the whole day with her. They come to a compromise - he'll play 9 holes first thing in the morning and then come straight home.

The wife is expecting him home at around 10...

A boy doesn’t want to go to church on Sunday, so he stays in bed.

His parents are furious that he’s not ready to go so they instead leaves without him. His parents talk to him for a long time about why going to church is important so he promises to go next time.

The next week he just feels so tired and really doesn’t want to go to church. So he hides in hi...

I was out for a Sunday morning joyride...

When I got pulled over. The officer came to the window and asked for license and registration. After going back to his car to write he ticket I reached up and yelled “Got your nose!!” And sped off. He must really want it back he’s been chasing me for over an hour.

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This Sunday is going to be good day for dyslexic men,

Dont forget your cocks go black.

Did you hear what happened to the large breasted streaker at the match on Sunday?

She got thrown out by the bouncers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

Why is chick fil-a closed on sundays?

They need time to choke their chickens

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There was a man who would stay awake 48 hours straight every Saturday and Sunday from midnight to midnight.

When asked why he did it, he said “Sleep is for the week.”

Where does a gram go on Sunday?

Mass

I went to church on Sunday and the message from the pulpit was to "love your enemies."

But I have a hard time even liking my friends.

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday....

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.

"What happened, my child?"

"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye." ...

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday morning

Tell her a joke on Friday :)

A son doesn't want to go to church on a Sunday morning.

"You have to wake up to go to church, or we're going to be late again." the mom chided.

"Look Mom, I'll give you two reasons why I don't want to attend church anymore. First of all, nobody there likes me. Secondly, I don't like either of them!" the son responded.

"Look son, I'll give y...

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

Robert goes down to the mega church on Sunday.

He waits in line for his turn and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. After 3 minutes of violent shaking of his head by his ears and trying to push him backwards the preacher asks, "hows your hearing?" Then Robert replies " well my hearing is not until Wednesday at the courthouse".

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The ...

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

Why do televangelists go to church every Sunday?

To pray on the week.

Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, b...

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

An Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation

He was vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.


"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"


Grizzly old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, f...

A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing.

"See that?" St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.

"Yup" says God, "I'll fix him, the little truant!"

WIth that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.

The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it's caught by a...

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

One Sunday morning an old ragged cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged.

In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and a equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the lar...

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At the regular Sunday morning service

Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provid...

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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulle...

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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

One Sunday morning...

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at ...

What beer do you drink on Easter Sunday?

Rolling Rock

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.

The note said “John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
“John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safely”.

One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.

"A year," God replied.

Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.

"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.

God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."

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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday by sneaking into the chicken coop and replacing every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats the shit out of the peacock.

What kind of meat do priest eat on Sunday?

Nun.

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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensi...

A nun in sunday school asks a girl what she wants to be when she grows up

"A prostitute!" she says.

The nun is appalled.

"young lady, WHAT did you say?!"

the girl replies "A prostitute".

the nun lets out a sigh of relief

"oh thank goodness, I thought you said 'protestant"!

A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by near...

A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?"

The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

I don’t get why they made Father’s Day always on Sunday.

I mean, it has “Thersday” right in the name.

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[My version is better]Sally was a terrible Sunday school student...

she always fell asleep in class. Now, the teacher of this Sunday school liked to start things off by asking questions from the lesson before so she could see if the students got last week's lesson. On this morning the teacher started things out nice and easy. She asked, "Who is the creator of the un...

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she l...

A kid asks the Sunday school teacher which part of the body goes to Heaven first. The teacher decides to make it a lesson and asks the kids what they think.

Sarah says 'it's your brain, because that's what controls everything'

Tina says 'it's your heart, because that's where Jesus lives'

Johnny yells out 'your feet!'

The teacher asks why the feet.

Johnny replies 'because I looked in Mrs Brown's bedroom window this morning and...

Two fishermen are always fishing together on sundays

neither of them saying much.


Then, one sunday, one of the fisherman didn't show up.


But on the next sunday he was back in his old place, fishing.


The other fisherman was a bit worried, so he asked him where he was the previous sunday.

"Yeah sorry I got married...

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her first-grade class.

"Class," she said, "what were the first words Jesus said when he walked out of the tomb on Easter morning?"

A little girl waved her hand excitedly. "Ooh! Ooh! I know!" she said. "Pick me! Pick me!"

The teach smiled and said, "All right, Susie. What did Jesus say when he walked out...

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?

April Fools! I'm not really dead!

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end

They would all be a lot more comfortable.

A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf o...

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

A guy is sitting quietly reading his Sunday newspaper one day when his wife suddenly hits him over the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he shouts.

His wife says, "I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name "Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?"

The guy says, "Oh, don't worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my f...

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So three old men met on a Sunday morning...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,...

A little girl came home from sunday school and told her dad, "Daddy, the priest made me do something naughty today"

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED???", he bellowed.

"Well, he took me back to his room and told me to take off my dress" said the girl.

"AND THEN WHAT??", he asked, his face turning purple.

"He took off his robe"

"HE DID WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?", he demanded, starting to bre...

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An old German man goes to confession one Sunday

An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return f...

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Cas...

It was a beautiful sunny, Sunday morning, and the residence of a 3 story apartment building were going about there daily business.

The man who lived on the top floor was sitting on his balcony enjoying the view and sharpening his penknife in preparation for his upcoming camping trip.

The man on the second floor had just stepped onto his balcony after waking up, he was the kinda guy who preferred to soak in the sun but n...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led an attorney, a doctor and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask each if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The attorney wishes to face the sky. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the attor...

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

...noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up: stood beside the little boy: a...

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?...

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A man was getting ready one Sunday when he noticed his son being awfully quiet.

As he went up the stairs, he called for his son, asking if he was finished getting ready for church.

There was still no answer, so when the dad got to his son's door, he knocked on it. No answer still.

The dad was getting sort of worried at this point, so he tried to open the door, but...

A guy goes speeding down the freeway at 2am on a Sunday morning, when he gets stopped by a cop.

Officer: Son, i've been waiting for you all day.

Driver: Sorry officer, i got here as fast as i could.

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Should Christians have sex on Sundays?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play, so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefo...

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On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

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A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.

Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.

Wife: that exp...

One Sunday morning a preacher told his congregation..

"Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!"

The whole church came forward except for one guy. Thinking that maybe the man hadn't heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.

Again the man just sat there.

"Sir," said the preacher, "don't...

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had bee...