I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

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NSFW:A preacher asked his congregation for help one sunday .

The preacher stood up and asked his congregation for help by giving anything they could to Brother Thomas because his house burned down the other day . One man stod up and said
" i have some old clothes and such he can have "

"Thank you" said the preacher . Another man stood up and said ...

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My grandparents used to have sex once a week, on a Sunday, in time to the nearby church bells

My grandad would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream van

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

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Hey man went fishing on a beautiful Sunday morning

On his way there he passed couple of women walking to a church.

"Oh I see you are going fishing, but why do you need this brick?"

Says one of the women pointing at his hand.

"Well that's my secret, but I can tell you this secret for a blow job"

"You are disgusting!" Woman...

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A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"

The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."

(I'm Muslim).

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door a...

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On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confu...

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

I explained to my 3-year-old that the stores are closed because it's Sunday

"Yeah," she replied. "It's too bright."

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school

Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “tell me April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April l and the teacher sai...

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

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Why didn’t Saturday and Sunday get picked to play a second round of dodgeball?

Everyone knew that they were weekend in the first round.

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There is a sunday ritual at St.Peter's Basillica, Rome

Even pope attends to it. It is a whole babel.

Two men draws attention next to church's gate. Both have huge plates on them hang om their neck. It is written

"I am a religious Christian. Please help me" and
"I am Jewish"

on the plates.

People who are leaving the church ...

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Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

A church joke in honor of Sunday

In the middle of a sermon, a man in the congregation got up and walked outside.

The wife went running up to the pastor after the sermon to apologize for her husband's rude behavior.

The pastor thanked her for the apology and said he had noticed her husband's strange behavior and was wo...

A priest was finishing up Sunday service

He was just saying farewell to the last of the parishioners and was about to close the doors when a man burst in. "I'm so sorry father! Please forgive my intrusion, but I must confess!"

The priest sighs, "Very well my son, we won't worry about going into the confessional booth, just take a se...

Little Johnny and little Susie were in Sunday school.

Johnny, thinking he was being funny, kept poking Susie in the back with a pencil.

Up front, the teacher was asking some questions, "What did lucifer say after falling from heaven?" She asked. Just then Johnny jabbed Susie with the pencil.

"Cut it out." She hissed over her shoulder....

An old married couple are in church one Sunday…

when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”.

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

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Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday?

It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Sunday School

A little boy and a little girl were at Sunday school one week. Throughout the lecture, the little boy kept poking the girl with his pencil.

About ten minutes of poking and lecturing later, the teacher asks "Who created the earth?"

Little girl, tired of being poked by the pencil, slams ...

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This Sunday is Father's Day

I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.

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Two paramedics in an ambulance were called to a church early one Sunday morning.

After arriving they speak to the pastor and he takes them to the belfry. On the floor of the belfry is an armless, legless man unconscious on the floor.

The first paramedic asks the pastor what happened. “This is our bell ringer.”

The first paramedic asks how he can do the job withou...

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Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

Why is sunday stronger than monday ?

Because monday is a weekday.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

A man goes to church by himself one Sunday, leaving his wife at home who had a cold.

Upon his return from church, his wife noticed that he had two black eyes. “What in the world happened to you??”

The man explained, sheepishly, “Well, we stood up for the first hymn and there in the pew in front of me was Sue Ellen. Don’t you know, she was wearing one of them dresses she wears...

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I don't clean my ass on Sunday morning [Nsfw]

I go to church and sit in my own pew

Why did the radio tower fall apart on a Sunday?

Cuz it was weekend

What’s the only kind of meat a priest can eat on Sunday?

Nun.

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They both survive the crash. Then just after their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't...

Sundays are always a little sad,

but the day before is a sadder day.

Sunday Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of ch...

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A Boy came home from Sunday School

His mother asked what he learned that day, the boy replied.

'They were teaching us about Moses. Moses had to take the Jews across the Red Sea, so he ordered his military engineers to build a bridge so they can cross the Red Sea, but the Egyptians came chasing after them , so moses ordered his...

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Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

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One day, little Susie was sitting in Sunday School

Susie was a good kid who liked to pay attention in here sunday school bible classes. The only problem was the she sat in front of the class delinquent, Joe. While the teacher was teaching, she decided to ask the class a question to make sure all the kids were paying attention.


"So class, ...

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Sunday School

Sister Mary Francis asked each of her young charges to tell the class what they want to do when they grow up.

Johnny says "I'm going to be a policeman." "Very good," say Sister Mary Francis.

Peter says "I'm going to be a fireman." "Very nice," says the nun.

Then Mary stands up, ...

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A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

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It was a cold Sunday...

It was a cold Sunday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs O'Tooles house. When she answered the door, Seamus Glynn, her husbands co-worker at the brewery was stood on the doorstep.

‘Seamus, hello. Where’s my Patrick? He should have been home from work hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry t...

The elderly Mr. Johnson attended church every Sunday ...

And every Sunday one or another of the old ladies of the church would invite him for dinner, and he would always decline.

One Sunday, Mrs. Smith pressed him on the issue. "Wouldn't you like a nice home-cooked meal?" she asked.

"No thanks," he replied.

"What about some of your ...

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What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with COVID-19?

The weekend.

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

A golfer is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.


Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a ...

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An elderly man went

to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the elderly man.

"Because it’s not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I really need it," said the man.

"Why do you need it so badly?" aske...

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I just discovered I can’t get sick on Saturdays or Sundays

Turns out I have a weekend immune system.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

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A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

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Little Susie goes to church every Sunday, but she has trouble staying awake during class...

Little Johnny sits behind her, and one day a nun comes up to Susie and asks her,

“What is the name of out lord and savior?”

Little Johnny pokes Susie in the back with a stick to wake her up, she jolts up and yells

“Jesus Christ!”

“Very good Susie.”

She falls back a...

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

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My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday

I have a weekend immune system

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

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Easter Sunday; Jesus comes back to Earth...

*Coughs through a hole in his hand*

Jesus: “Holy shit...My bad....”

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

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NSFW A Welsh coal miner is met at the door by his obviously angry wife....

when he arrives still drunk from the weekend on Sunday morning.

She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"

He replies (with a belch): That I did, my lovely woman!"

She glares back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"

Barely...

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A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home

A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home, when a man enters the church, looking for him. Failing to recognize the man, the priest says,


"You're not from around here. Do I know you?"


The man replies, "Yes father! Years ago, I was a wayward teenager and you caug...

One Sunday, in a church...

...the preacher said out loud: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if...

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Dirty Johnny is in Sunday School when the teacher asks the class,

"What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?"

Johnny's hand shot up. Since Johnny never raised his hand, the teacher called on him.

Johnny knowingly grinned and yelled, "Popeye kicked the shit out of him".

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date ...

There was this young minister that had just started his first preaching gig.

Like many younger folks he was environmentally-minded, and as such he rode a bicycle to church. After a month of preaching he finds his bike gone, and he thinks one of the members of the congregation stole it.

So he goes and talks to an older preacher to ask for advice. The wise minister tel...

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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS....

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Why are Saturdays and Sundays the strong days?

Because all of the other days are the WEAKDAYS!

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Because of the coronavirus, churches unable to meet in person this Sunday...

...will be celebrating "E-ster."

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

Tootie Greene

My ex-husband was once asked by our pastor to fill in for him one Sunday. He obliged, but then the pastor warned him about a woman named Tootie Greene. Apparently she likes to come into service and antoganize the pastor during his sermon. Ex-husband says OK and comes home to prepare for the follo...

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Billy spots a pack of condoms

Billy is out shopping with his father at the supermarket when Billy sees a condom stand, each displaying server packages of condoms. He points to a three pack and asks " what is this for?" "That's for when you're in high school" explains his father. "You use one on Friday night and two on Saturday n...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

What do Sundays and the corona virus have in common?

The weakend.

This Sunday is International Women's Day

Or as they say in the US, International Women's 17 Hours.

I remember the time I was touched by Jesus on a Sunday.

It was the best summer trip to Mexico ever.

What did the brothel sign say when it was closed on Sunday?

Beat it we’re closed

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die.

A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

Sunday school

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

What do you call a Batman that skips church on Sunday

Christian Bail

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

Once there was a priest who loved golf as much as preaching ...

One fine Sunday morning he woke up to find the most perfect golfing weather. He was really torn between his two true loves. Finally he gave in and asked another priest to do the sermon. He quietly packed up his golf bag and slipped out the back of the church.

At the links he was having the m...

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

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Been a year of lifeless scrolling on reddit so here's a classic to celebrate it : )

The priest in a small village loved the rooster he kept in the house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the bird and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the...

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

One Sunday morning

there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sara...

Last Sunday, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick to her...

I mistakenly gave her a glue stick

She still hasn't spoken to me since

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

Mothers have Mother's Day, fathers have father's Day, couples have valentine's Day

And I have palm Sunday.

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Condom packaging

Do you know why high schoolers buy condoms in 2 packs?
.
No?
.
For Friday night and Saturday night.

Do you now why college kids buy condoms in 4 packs?
.
No?
.
For Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday
.
.
Do you know why married men buy c...

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Einstein's Catholic Friend (OC)

Einstein's Catholic friend was constantly pestering Einstein to attend church services with him.

"Albert, why can't you come this Sunday? You wouldn't want to miss mass."

Finally, Einstein agrees to attend service with his friend.

After the service, his friend asked what Einstei...

Two young boys were walking home from church discussing the day's Sunday School lesson - 'Is Satan Real?'

The older one said "Ya know, I bet it's just like Santa and it turns out to be Dad."

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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One day, a father and his daughther are together.

One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks...

The Cleveland Browns are covering the playing field in cardboard for Sunday's game.

Because they always play better on paper.

We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

A Rabbi moves into a Christian neighborhood

Next Sunday, he watches his neighbors wash their cars. First neighbor takes a bucket of water and dumps it over his car's hood. Second neighbor takes a bucket of water and dumps it over his car's hood.

The Rabbi went into the shack, got his iron saw and cut off the tip of his car's exhaust pi...

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my f...

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One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

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A farmer went out to check on his chickens and saw that the cock was missing.

Well he also happen to be the pastor of the town and the following Sunday before they started the sermon he asked
"Who has a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock?" All the women got up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" Half the women stood up.
"...

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned a...

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

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The Joke

So there I was, right in the middle of this Wedding, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I’ve been to many weddings before, but this particular one I will never forget...

As I closely paid attention to the soon to be man and wife, a joke that I heard the day before randomly crossed my mind. The ...

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There's a reason why condoms come in packets of 6, 9 and 12

It's because they're meant to accommodate men around the world.

The packet of 6 is for the religious men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, never on a Sunday.

The packet of 9 is for those really amorous men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on ...

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

Two great football fanatics, Andy and Stevie, were discussing the chances of football being played in Heaven.

They couldn't see how any self-respecting Heaven would not have football - but yet, they weren't quite sure. Finally they agreed that the one who died first would come back and tell the other if they played football in Heaven or not.

Not long afterwards, Andy was run over by a bus and killed...

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Mary goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

The priest: “So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

Mary: “Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest: “Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

Mary: “That he did, Father."

The priest: “What did he ...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

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The Bus Driver and the Nun.

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how yo...

A group of crows flew into a church during the Sunday service.

It was a Mass murder.

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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said: “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all th...

Johnny and Sarah are in Sunday School ...

Johnny and Sarah are sitting in Sunday school class when Sarah begins to fall asleep. The teacher notices this and decides to embarrass Sarah by asking her a question. The teacher asks, "Sarah, who created the heavens and the earth?" Johnny decides to help Sarah out and wake her up, so he covertly t...

Little Tim

Little Tim went with his mom to church every Sunday. One morning in the middle of the service Tim complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. “No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and ...

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Why don't people sleep on Saturdays and Sundays?

Sleep is for the week

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