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This Evening Jokes

This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.

Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.

Car mechanic: Sir, you can pick your car up at 5 pm this evening.

Me: I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.

There will be a mass meeting of the debating society this evening.

All mass debaters are invited to attend.

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...

... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

I went to a restaurant this evening and asked: “Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No that’s fine”

“Great, take this to table 6 then”

Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening....

.....but he's here with us in spirit.

I’ve been playing Bonopoly this evening.

It’s like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

Took a Grab taxi this evening

Upon getting to the intersection, I told the cabbie “Take the left, it’s much faster”.

The cabbie suddenly bolted upright. I thought he just dozed off or got tensed from caffeine.

Then he shared it was his 1st day with Grab.

He used to be a funeral service driver.

I invited Superman to a funeral this evening...

But he said he was feeling weak so he didn't want to go to the crypt tonight.

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a new cocktail this evening. It’s called “The Donald”.

It’s an orange peel on top of a White Russian.

This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events

Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she had a headache so didn't feel up to sex this evening.

I told her to just suck it up.

Girlfriend asked me what to do this evening...

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do this evening? Should we go out bowling or should we go upstairs and mess around in the bed? I told her that I am NOT going to put my fingers in some dirty hole where hundreds of guys had put their fingers in before me!!! So we went bowling.

All flight have been suspended for a second time this evening,

come one now, this is starting to drone on and on .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my wife to see the doctor this evening... (nsfw)

I took my wife to see the doctor this evening to sort out her tourettes problem.
It turns out she doesn't have it... I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off...

Was out on the trusty steed this evening, riding through the woods...

Suddenly we came to a stop and he began to nibble on some weeds. I decided not to protest until I realized he was eating what appeared to be a pot plant. He began to wobble a little and I couldn't help but think, I probably need to get off my high horse.

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

So my 5yo kid is mad at the world this evening and he comes up with this masterpiece:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: Nothing.

Me: (struggling to maintain a straight face) Nothing who?

Him: Don't. Say. Anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

A comment made in retort to my wife this morning made her laugh through the day

Not really a joke, but see if you people think its funny.

We got a young puppy atm and myself an wife usually get up at same time early each morning to sort her out. As she hasn't seen us for a few hours as she sleeps downstairs with cats, she gets excited and clingy first thing, so one of u...

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained,

The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.

I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.

She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on ...

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"...

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