This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

In the beginning , their were only 25 letters in the alphabet

Nobody knew why .

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

A message to any weak/beginning swimmers thinking about swimming in the deep end of the pool today:

I'd advise you not to; you'll be in over your head.

Trump is beginning to be like a bikini wax...

all of a sudden, having Bush wasn’t so bad...

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

I watched a show last night and at the beginning it said "Viewer discretion is advised"

Unfortunately that's all I can tell you about that

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

Teacher : name something beginning with E that your not very good at.

Johnny : Spelling.

What has T in the beginning, T in the middle, and T at the end?

A teapot.

Revelations states that the end of the world would be signaled by “Trumpets”. Lately, I’m beginning to think we mistranslated, and really it’s,

*The end of the world would be signaled by Trump/Pence*.

My grandpa told me he got to see the Titanic and that from the very beginning he told them not to get onboard because he knew it was going to sink.

But no one listened and he repeatedly told them until the minute he got kicked out of the movie theater.

Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart.

They’re calling it SoCal distancing.

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

All the red flags

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Melbourne is beginning to look a lot like a MILF

42 and fucking HOT

If Jesus had lived at the beginning of the 20th century

All the little Catholic children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks!

From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair

I’m beginning to realize that my dermatological issues run deeper than I initially thought

Until now I was just scratching the surface

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...

After that, everything else was made in China.

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

How are marriage and a hurricane similar?

In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.

What thing, beginning with "R" am I terrible at?

Spelling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

Translating a Bulgarian joke

Vegans have been screwing us over from the very beginning. If Eve had eaten the snake and not the fruit we wouldn't be in this mess.

Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.

Only four parachutes though.

Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."

The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."

Trump takes...

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

My college professor makes extra money by forcing his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

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First Time Teacher

Day 1 of home schooling


0800  opened school website to get assignments.


0900  found where assignments were hidden on the website.


0915  called school to have the website explained.


0930  called school again.


0945  Had wife call school ...

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