UPJOKE
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Beginning Jokes

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...
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In the beginning

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down Into that valley."Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God...
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In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.
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Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".

Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...

Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
Paul: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.
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I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
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It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.

He got some really bad feedback.
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It's been confirmed that debris is from the Titan. Just when the jokes were beginning to subside

looks like they'll be resurfacing.
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"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...
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I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth

... After that, everything else was made in China.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.
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I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."
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I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.
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What can you say about a man who pops a couple tic tacs before beginning speaking?

He mints his words.
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When is the beginning of June also the end of May?

When it's the UK general election
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My friend keeps talking about eating vegetables and I’m beginning to find it kind of disturbing.

I mean, I know they haven’t really got a functioning brain, but they’re still human.
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In the beginning, God created the dog.

He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by."

The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?"

God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you ...
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It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet
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Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.
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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache....

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I'm beginning to think my girlfriend might be homophobic...

She reacted *very poorly* last night when I came out to her...

I've decided that beginning January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above

It's my new year's resolution
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I don't know why more people weren't suspicious of the Nazi Party from the beginning.

They literally had so many red flags.

What does the artist say in the beginning of the fencing match?

Avant-garde!
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A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A

Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Ste...

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Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.
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At the beginning of Creation...

God created humanity and he told his angels to assemble all the human parts. There were mountains of; head, arms, legs and every other body parts. And he explained how to assemble the parts. Heads on shoulders, arms by the side, etc.

So they started making a lot of people because they had a l...
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Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.
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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.
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What did Christo and Jean-Claude say at the beginning and end of every project?

“All right folks, let’s wrap it up”
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What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.
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In the beginning, man walked on all fours.

Then man met woman. And ever since, man has walked erect.
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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

I'm beginning to think I know more about healthcare than my doctor and his ignorance scares me.

He recommended radiotherapy even though I'm deaf.
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Near the beginning

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”
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Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.
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Why are soldiers so tired at the beginning of April?

They just had a 31 day March.
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I'm beginning to think adult supervision is a myth

In fact, my vision just seems to be getting worse.
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Trump is beginning to be like a bikini wax...

all of a sudden, having Bush wasn’t so bad...
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What thing, beginning with "R" am I terrible at?

Spelling.
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Pontius Pilate: “As a gesture of goodwill to mark the beginning of Passover, we will release one prisoner.”

Crowd:

PP: “It’s part of my new Pilate program.”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO
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In the beginning of time

Adam was taking a naked stroll through the Garden of Edan, naming the animals. He found a large creature with a long nose and big ears. He said "I think I'll call you Elephant." The elephant replied "How do you breathe through that thing?!"
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What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"
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In the beginning ...

God created the world, and rested. Then God created man, and rested.

Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
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I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology.

So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.
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In the beginning , their were only 25 letters in the alphabet

Nobody knew why .
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I just read a book about the timber industry. The beginning of the book was much more positive than the rest of it.

It was the prologue.
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In the beginning there was only Chaos.

Then God blessed it and said: "Be fruitful and multiply."
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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...
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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

Teacher : name something beginning with E that your not very good at.

Johnny : Spelling.
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Melbourne is beginning to look a lot like a MILF

42 and fucking HOT

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at ...
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When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...
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Whose the idiot?

The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up"

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inq...
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Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.
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I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!
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In the beginning God said let there be...

The chicken and the egg but I won’t tell you which one I made first.
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I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist.

All she ever talks about is Mao.
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At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!
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If Jesus had lived at the beginning of the 20th century

All the little Catholic children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks!
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I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place. What am I?

2.71828183
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How is it called in Australia, when they need to restart the song from the beginning at the club?

A DJ redo.
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My wife has an interesting way of beginning sentences.

She always starts with, “Hey, are you even listening?”
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What was Hungarian in the beginning of 20th century and went global in the 21st century?

Korona....


(Korona was the basic monetary unit of Hungary from 1892 to 1925)
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Did you see that guy at the beginning of Infinity War?

He Loki died bro
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[NSFW] A prostitute is beginning her first night of work...

She has another lady of the night showing her the ropes of the new corner.

New girl asks: "girl have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"

"No, but I have been swung around by the titties!"

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