I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

At the beginning of Naruto, the three main characters existed in a 'love square'.

Naruto loves Sakura, Sakura loves Sasuke, Sasuke loves nobody, and nobody loves Naruto.

Did you see that guy at the beginning of Infinity War?

He Loki died bro

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light!”

There was still nothing but now you could see it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

At an interview: “In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20 000, later on it can go up to 40 000.”

“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A

Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Ste...

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

So I'm beginning to develop abs...

A Big Stomach

What's the difference between the beginning of the small intestine and a pair of jeans?

One is a duodenum, and the other is a denim duo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out,...

Shortly after the beginning of the war in Afghanistan.....

...the news showed a clip of a young Afghani man in the midst of a battle in a city. The young man grabbed a grenade and hurled it some 70 yards into the fifth-floor window of a building, blowing the building up and saving several American soldiers.

A scout for the Detroit Lions happened to ...

In the beginning, man walked on all fours..then man met woman

and ever since, man has walked erect.

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond and by the end you want a club and a spade

How is it called in Australia, when they need to restart the song from the beginning at the club?

A DJ redo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

What can you say about a man who pops a couple tic tacs before beginning speaking?

He mints his words.

So a new commander arrives in Korea during the Korean War at the beginning of a Chinese offensive.

So a new commander arrives in Korea at the beginning of the Chinese offensive. Wanting to gain information on the enemy he looks around and asks a Marine,

“what are their tactics, how do they fight?”

The Marine responds,

“Well the Chinese Army likes to attack in very small gro...

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

In the beginning of time

Adam was taking a naked stroll through the Garden of Edan, naming the animals. He found a large creature with a long nose and big ears. He said "I think I'll call you Elephant." The elephant replied "How do you breathe through that thing?!"

In the beginning God said let there be...

The chicken and the egg but I won’t tell you which one I made first.

My friend keeps talking about eating vegetables and I’m beginning to find it kind of disturbing.

I mean, I know they haven’t really got a functioning brain, but they’re still human.

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning.

They also ripped out pages from the end. It just went from “bad” to “worse”.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, And the end of every place. What am I?

The letter 'e'.

What has no beginning, middle, or end?

The family household cold season.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

..Everything else was made in China.

In the beginning, God created the dog.

He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by."

The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?"

God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you ...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are: (Long)

Then he eventually created Adam, who was having a lot of fun in the garden, walking around naked, eating fruit from various trees, and hanging out with/naming all of the animals.

But one day, Adam began to feel lonely and decided to talk to God about it. In that discussion, Adam expressed th...

in the beginning God created Man and said "I have created the perfect woman and wife for you, and put her in all four corners of the globe"

then he made the world round and LAUGHED.

If I had a dollar for every year since the beginning of time...

I could buy Whole Foods

Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".

Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...

Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
Paul: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

My wife was complaining about how much effort I put into customizing my avatar at the beginning of games....

I told her that hard work helps build character.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm beginning to think Pornhub should become a news provider.

At least they're honest when they plan on fucking you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The...

When is the beginning of June also the end of May?

When it's the UK general election

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

In the beginning there was only Chaos.

Then God blessed it and said: "Be fruitful and multiply."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay...

I'm beginning to suspect my brother may be gay, as several times today I've caught him looking down toward my balls and checking out my arse.

My skirt is a bit short, I suppose.

Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.

I'm beginning to suspect I might have bad posture

call it a hunch

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It's textbook economics.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the dwarf pimp say to the two prostitutes at the beginning of the night?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

It's been 4 years since my job interview.

I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

I'm beginning to believe that my road worker friend is a kleptomaniac..

So I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A prostitute is beginning her first night of work...

She has another lady of the night showing her the ropes of the new corner.

New girl asks: "girl have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?"

"No, but I have been swung around by the titties!"

What do you call a slow-learner born the beginning of August?

A leotard

This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her

People say its just stalk-home syndrome

What begins at the end and ends at the beginning?

Back to school ads

Subway's known about Jared since the beginning

how else can you explain how they knew he likes to eat fresh.

I'm going to hell for this one.

"Bill, I'm beginning to think my wife might be cheating on me..."

"What makes you say that, Tim?"

"Well, you're standing naked in my closet..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

What does the beginning of the German alphabet start with?

Not Z.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

A substitute teacher was beginning her first class...

A substitute teacher is beginning her first class. Five minutes after it starts, a boy walks in. "Class started five minutes ago, why are you late?" The teacher asked. "I was on top of Blueberry Hill," He replied. The teacher shook her head at the boy and sent him to his desk.

Five minutes l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three tired travelers stumble across a farm as it is beginning to get dark...

Three tired travelers stumble across a farm as it is beginning to get dark. Exhausted, they decide to stop and ask if there is a place to sleep until morning. A friendly farmer answers the door and says they can sleep in the barn under one circumstance: Nobody is allowed to go up in the loft. The...

Why is a marriage like a hurricane?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing, and when it's over your house is gone...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A front desk attendant at Delta is beginning to board passengers for a flight from Atlanta to Birmingham, Alabama...

As he is taking the tickets from the passengers and allowing them board, he notices one man still standing at the window, looking at the plane. Once everyone else has walked down the passageway towards the jet, the attendant walks over to the man and asks if he is supposed to be on the plane.
...

Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

I hate the beginning and I hate the end

So that's why I became a midwife.

The Beginning of Life

A curious young girl asks her mother "Mom, how did life begin?". The mother responds and tells the story of Adam and Eve and how all life began there.

The young girl then asks her father the same question and he responds "Well, we all came from monkeys".

Now very confused, the young gi...

Yo mama so fat

...people are beginning to believe she's flat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe’s headache

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

Man is at a job interview

Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000.

Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three army officers decide to camp near their base for a night...

There hiking up a hill when a massive storm rolls in, they need shelter, luckily for them they find a small, super run down, old, musty, cabin.

They enter the cabin, and it’s a disaster...

Everything is overturned, animals had clearly screwed the place.

But the storm was inten...

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...