A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

Downloading Tik Tok but never opening it is like how Augustus Waters always carries a cigarette in his mouth.

As soon as you use it, you will die of cancer.

Hey guys, did you hear about the new museum that they are opening for funky music?

It's called the Grourve.

Chivalry is dead. If you see a guy opening a car door for a gal

Either the car is new or the girlfriend is new.

The investigator was awoken by the rookie opening his office door...

He shuffles in, manilla folder in hand.

*"Another murder case?"* he'd ask.

The rookie would nod, sliding the file over to the investigator.

Upon opening it, thousands of crows filled the room.

Been think of opening a clown brothel,

Gonna call it “the funny bone.”

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

I heard this joke at a new museum opening in DC, told by a five year old:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Donut

Donut who?

Donut ask me, it's a secret.

That kid has a bright future of dad jokes ahead of him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follo...

A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice

The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

"Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me"

"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"

The burglar laughs and says "That's a stupid name for a parrot"

The parrot replied "Well,...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

You know when you're opening the tube of Pilsbury crescent rolls but it just tears, then you see the "press spoon here" option?

Spanx ought to sew that line into each of their garments.

Did you hear about the person that died while opening a window

So did everyone else on the submarine

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do we shake the sugar bag before opening it?

Because if we did it after, it would be scattered all over the fucking place.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

I had the time of my life in quarantine. I did what i wanted, when i wanted. Now that things are opening up where i live, i have to go back to work and feel obligated to hang out with friends.

I feel like my freedoms are being taken away!
Wake up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-Un has reportedly made a public appearance after opening a fertiliser factory.

I smell bullshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

Why did the little girl close her eyes after opening the refrigerator?

Because she saw the salad dressing.

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