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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

I thought I was being helpful, opening the door for a woman.

She just screamed and fell out of the plane.

A guy was giving the opening prayer at a convention...

...and he said, "Life is a mystery everyone must stand alone I hear you call my name and it feels like home."So the MC said, "That's not really a prayer." And the guy said, "Well no, but it's like a prayer."

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

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I’m opening a drive-thru dildo store.

Called jackin the box

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

What do you call a device for opening sub-nucleonic particles?

A quarkscrew.

My friend and I just opened a bakery!

As an opening day special we added a sugary coating to all products at no extra charge.

We came out all buns glazing!

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I'm thinking of opening a tattoo parlor where women flash their breasts for free tattoos.

Call it..."tit for tat".

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

Why should you knock on the oven before opening it this Thanksgiving?

Because it could be dressing!

I’ll show myself out…

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A man did an experiment on how long can you dive before opening your parachute

When he was 5 meters of the ground he said "fuck it, i can easily survive a couple meter fall"

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

I heard a former Azkaban inmate is opening a Quidditch ball repair shop…

It’s called “Snitches Get Stitches”.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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A Russian and Irish wrestler.....

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in ...

A man gets to heaven

He’s a small nerdy account type, and he’s met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

“Welcome,” says St Peter, opening a large book. “This book lists all the good things and bad things you did in your life. If you did more good than bad, you get to come in.”

“Sounds fair,” says the ma...

Always make sure to knock on your fridge door before opening..

There is a chance there might be a salad dressing

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

I asked Siri why I'm single?

She responded by opening my front camera.

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.

Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.

There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Ev...

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