My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it…

I said, ‘excuse me but what’s happening?’

She said, ‘there might have been a salad dressing’

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I once saw a grand opening of an optometrist office

It was quite the spectacle.

I'm thinking of opening a racist-themed bakery...

...and I'm planning of naming it the " Cake Cake Cake".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW]

St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”

If you see a man opening a car door for his wife…

It’s either a new car or a new wife.

So I got a call from a lady from a recruiting firm and she said "Well, I've got 3 openings..."

I said " obviously,you are a woman ".

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

I'm thinking of opening a Hawaiian-Jamaican fusion restaurant...

and calling it Pokemon

A new business was opening...

one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how ...

Opening today for St. Patrick's Day is a new Julia Roberts movie!

She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer. It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."

Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.

I'm of opening my own jewelry store

If anyone wants to help, give me a ring.

I am opening a specialty shop that only sells flavored lube

It’s called Hole Foods

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Received a call from the recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir i have two openings for you".

I replied: Yes. I know

There was a long silence and then she said: asshole

I replied: I prefer the other one.

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

So I've been thinkin of opening a christian based Fromagerie,

I even picked out a logo. Jesus Cheesus. Our Grate Lord and Savior

A church has a job opening for..

a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The n...

Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . .

Cheeses of Nazareth.

I am thinking about opening a dungeons and dragons themed vacation rental...

I’m going to call it Air D&D

So there was a huge line of animals, waiting for a store to open.

They were all waiting patiently, until the rabbit came. This rabbit was very impatient and wanted to join the store first.

So he tried sneaking under everyone. Although that didn't work because the lion, found him and furiously said "HEY! No cheating!" and punched the rabbit so hard that he f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

People said opening my present would be challenging

Turns out it was a piece of cake

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

For me, chess is a lot like Tinder...

I know a few openings, but struggle to get into mating positions

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

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