UPJOKE
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Opening Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what th...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it

I do it just in case there's a salad dressing

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Opening a bank account

A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said, "I want to open a fucking bank account."
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situ...

I'm opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith

I'm calling it "Die Agnostic Services."

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

Today is the Grand Opening of the new Lego Store.

People are lined up for blocks.

I'm opening a bar that hosts brass bands every weekend.

I'm calling it "HornPub".

Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop

Call that BLTDSM

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m opening a Tom Petty themed Japanese Restaurant

It’ll be called, “Udon, know how it feels”

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

Do you know why Indian sandwich shops keep opening?

Because there is always a New Delhi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken...

...It's motherfucking good.

I am opening a bar that only serves milk stouts

I am calling it Brew Dairymore

I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it...

"Get a load of this guy"

I'm opening a new chimney sweep, soldering supplies, and dessert business.

It's called Flue, Flux, Flan.

A massive earthquake hit California due to the San Andreas line opening up and destroying everything

No foreign aid was granted because according to the UN
"It was their own damn fault"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m opening a drive-thru dildo store.

Called jackin the box

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

A church has a job opening for..

a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The n...

I was watching a show that started with this person opening a freezer chest.

It was a cold opener.

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners

>!But she just screamed after I opened the airplane door....!<

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm opening a pet grooming business.

I'm calling it "Bitch, I will cut you"

I'm opening a restaurant called "whatever"

It'll immediately be every girlfriend's favourite spot.

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

A guy was giving the opening prayer at a convention...

...and he said, "Life is a mystery everyone must stand alone I hear you call my name and it feels like home."So the MC said, "That's not really a prayer." And the guy said, "Well no, but it's like a prayer."

A New Pho Restaurant Opened up its second location

The proprietor, Mr. Ngo, was very excited for the opening of his new restaurant. It had been a dream of his for many years to expand his business. He wasn't very original and named his original restaurant "Ngo Pho."

However, business was great and he was soon able to open a second location o...

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