My buddy and I are opening a marijuana dispensary together.

It’s a joint venture.

You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.

I'm of opening my own jewelry store

If anyone wants to help, give me a ring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Received a call from the recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir i have two openings for you".

I replied: Yes. I know

There was a long silence and then she said: asshole

I replied: I prefer the other one.

I am opening a specialty shop that only sells flavored lube

It’s called Hole Foods

I am thinking about opening a dungeons and dragons themed vacation rental...

I’m going to call it Air D&D

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . .

Cheeses of Nazareth.

A church has a job opening for..

a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The n...

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

People said opening my present would be challenging

Turns out it was a piece of cake

I'm opening a new massage parlor with a built in deli and foreign film theater

we're callin' it Subs Dubs and Rubs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI are looking to recruit an assassin...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
'We must know that you will follow yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

A thief enters a theatre on opening night.

He stole the spotlight.

There's no need to do market research before opening a new bordello.

If you build it, they will cum.

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy

They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops

The investigator was awoken by the rookie opening his office door...

He shuffles in, manilla folder in hand.

*"Another murder case?"* he'd ask.

The rookie would nod, sliding the file over to the investigator.

Upon opening it, thousands of crows filled the room.

A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice

The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

"Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me"

"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"

The burglar laughs and says "That's a stupid name for a parrot"

The parrot replied "Well,...

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