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Film Jokes

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln?

He doesn't do well in theaters.

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

what do you call someone who films spices?

A cinnamon-tographer!

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What's the difference between a cinema snack and two police officers having sex in the back of a car while being filmed?

One is popcorn.

Rick Astley will give you any of the Pixar films in his collection.

Except for Up.

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

Last night I watched the uncut version of the film Scarface.

It was called Face.

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

My dad asked me, “What’s your favorite Pixar film?”

I said, “Up. Yours?”

He said, “wow! Don’t be rude. It was just a question.”

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

Hugh Jackman films a movie in the Swiss Alps and loses his Dell laptop.

Just when he thinks it's lost forever, he is grateful to see it found, in the hands of a yodeler who tells him:

"Your Dell lay here, Hugh!"

A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film

Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?

Director: It's instrumental

I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film.

It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

My next door neighbour has been in a few films

She'll be furious if she ever finds out

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I got blackmailed by a person who claims to have nudes of me

Jokes on him, now I filmed myself, send him daily videos and ask for money to make me stop.

Two mice chewing on a film roll

One of them goes: "I think the book was better."

Everyone has a film that made them emotional.

For me it was TITANIC... Because not only do you get a beautiful love story, but also... I'm was like... \*emotional\*

"Look - So many fans of the Wim Hof Method!"

What is William Shatner's favorite film festival?

*CAAAAAAAAANNES!!!* ^^^^^^imsosorry

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

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Two pornstars get sent home from a mission trip in Africa, after they were caught filming themselves having sex.

Their response: "What? They said it was missionary work."

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner

Why? Because it says Pierce film before heating.

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

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I watched my first porn film today

I looked so much younger back then

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Did you hear they’re selling the house where they filmed American History X?

The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some people just don’t have film.

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

Turning Red is a film that attempts to be more culturally sensitive of Chinese people...

You know, the people with the government who still can't handle seeing a black person on a movie poster.

Frank, Dean and Gene were filming together in the Carribean

"You know," pondered Frank, while they were on break, "It'd be a shame if we just sat around at the hotel, wasting a beautiful day in such a beautiful place as this. We should do some exploring while we're here."

The others agreed unanimously, so they spent the morning walking around town, mi...

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”.

The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

A guy walks into a shrinks wearing only shorts made from cling film.

The shrink takes one look and says: "I can clearly see your nuts!"

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

I went to the cinema to see a film about truck drivers

It wasn’t for me though. There were too many trailers.

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I don't remember much about the films I made working in the Japanese porn industry

It was all a blur.

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

A couple were having a picnic in a jungle

Suddenly a crocodile appears and attacks the husband. He cries "Shoot it, quick". "I can't!" says his wife. "I've run out of film!"

2021 was a great year in film for people who like musicals

And an insufferable year for people who hate theater kids

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

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What do you call a sexual film that is a hit?

A banger

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A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.”

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audien...

Have you heard about what the necromancer movie director did?

He ordered the whole film to be reanimated.

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

I tried writing a remake of my favourite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland

After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

What film has the best connection?

Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

I just downloaded the new Bohemian Rhapsody film...

...but I think it’s a pirate copy filmed in a cinema, because I can see a little silhouetto of a man.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

Can’t wait to see the film “Constipation”

But it hasn’t come out yet :(

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

An Interviewer goes to take the interview of a famous Film Critic .

The critic says that he had watched almost all the films in the world ,which were from all the countries in the world.
The Interviewer asks him whether he knew some Spanish films , and if he did, to name them .

He replies by saying he does and gives the names of some famous Spanish movi...

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...

I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed

Filmed my first bukkake scene today.

I just hope I came across well on camera.

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971)

It's like there's no tomorrow.

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

Why were kids banned from watching a pirate film

Because it was rated rrrrrrrrr

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated after saving his family several times.

His next film is going to be "Taken 4 Granted."

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

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A man walks into his therapists office naked, save for being completely wrapped up in cling film.

The therapist looked up at him, and said:

"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

What do film makers use and IT people fear?

A blue screen

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

Has anyone seen the 1985 film Orion's Belt?

It wasn't that great, I give it 3 stars.

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

I hear that the Government hired Stanley Kubrick to help film The Fake Moon Landing

But since Kubrick was such a perfectionist he forced the Government to film on location.

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