UPJOKE
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The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films

But only for the crying parts

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

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What's a streaker's favourite film?

Free Willy.

Why is it hard for a man to break into the adult film industry?

There's a lot of stiff competition.

The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.

...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

What’s an indie film lovers favourite time of day?

8:24

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

what do you call someone who films spices?

A cinnamon-tographer!

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

DC has announced an Arab superhero will be featured in their new film.

The world can look forward to seeing O-man.

What is a Karen’s favorite film?

Minority Report

Why couldn’t Lorena Bobbitt be a successful film director?

Every time she yelled “CUT”, the male actors fled the set.

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

Last night I watched the uncut version of the film Scarface.

It was called Face.

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

My dad asked me, “What’s your favorite Pixar film?”

I said, “Up. Yours?”

He said, “wow! Don’t be rude. It was just a question.”

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

What is William Shatner's favorite film festival?

*CAAAAAAAAANNES!!!* ^^^^^^imsosorry

Rick Astley will give you any of the Pixar films in his collection.

Except for Up.

Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln?

He doesn't do well in theaters.

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

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I participated in an adult film with the promise of a refreshing soft drink after the shoot.

I got a Squirt.

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

Everyone has a film that made them emotional.

For me it was TITANIC... Because not only do you get a beautiful love story, but also... I'm was like... \*emotional\*

"Look - So many fans of the Wim Hof Method!"

which snack food ruined the silent film industry?

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Takis!

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

I love the new trend in streaming films; the hero always gets the girl in the end.

And he’s never sure which end.

A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film

Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?

Director: It's instrumental

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are talking about making a new film together.

Sly: “I wanna show the world that we’re more than just action movie stars. I wanna make a movie about classical music and classical composers. I know you guys love that stuff too. What do you think? Will you help me make a movie about it and show the world how cultured we are?”

Bruce: “I cou...

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A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.”

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audien...

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Hugh Jackman films a movie in the Swiss Alps and loses his Dell laptop.

Just when he thinks it's lost forever, he is grateful to see it found, in the hands of a yodeler who tells him:

"Your Dell lay here, Hugh!"

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

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Have you see the film about the guy who can't stop crywanking?

It was a tearjerker.

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

My next door neighbour has been in a few films

She'll be furious if she ever finds out

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

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What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite film?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!!

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

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What do you call a sexual film that is a hit?

A banger

Can’t wait to see the film “Constipation”

But it hasn’t come out yet :(

I absolutely hate screening films for the Grasshopper Film Festival

Everybody's a cricket.

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

Turning Red is a film that attempts to be more culturally sensitive of Chinese people...

You know, the people with the government who still can't handle seeing a black person on a movie poster.

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

I went to the cinema to see a film about truck drivers

It wasn’t for me though. There were too many trailers.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

Filmed my first bukkake scene today.

I just hope I came across well on camera.

A guy walks into a shrinks wearing only shorts made from cling film.

The shrink takes one look and says: "I can clearly see your nuts!"

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What's the difference between a cinema snack and two police officers having sex in the back of a car while being filmed?

One is popcorn.

I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...

I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed

2021 was a great year in film for people who like musicals

And an insufferable year for people who hate theater kids

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

Has anyone seen the 1985 film Orion's Belt?

It wasn't that great, I give it 3 stars.

Did you hear they’re selling the house where they filmed American History X?

The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.

I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film.

It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

What do the films 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common?

Icy dead people.

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Two pornstars get sent home from a mission trip in Africa, after they were caught filming themselves having sex.

Their response: "What? They said it was missionary work."

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'


He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

What do film makers use and IT people fear?

A blue screen

Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.

One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".

I'm so sick of film spoilers.

If anyone tells me what happens in the new Ted Bundy film I'm going to kill them.

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

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[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film la...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

Guess which film franchise reboot would score millions now?

The Mask.

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is retiring from doing films.

He already has a new gig in mind. He wants to be an exterminator.

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

I once watched a film about clouds...

but it was way over my head.

What do you call an adult film made under the sea?

A prawn

Which film is Patrick Mahomes watching tonight?

Remember The Titans

Watched a film called Speed Walker

To be honest, I found it hard to keep up. The pacing was terrible.

I tried writing a remake of my favourite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland

After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus

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I don't remember much about the films I made working in the Japanese porn industry

It was all a blur.

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Me and the Mrs were sat watching a film

on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen counter and starts to make love to her.

"Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens"

"I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that ever gets fucked in our kitchen is the food.

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

Any jokes you know the punch line to but not the set-up? I'll start. From the 1959 film Some Like it Hot:

"So the one-legged jockey says, 'don't mind me baby, I ride side-saddle!'"

I laugh every time even though I don't know the set-up. Anybody know the set-up, or any similar jokes?

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

Who's going to direct the new Coronavirus film?

Tintin Quarantino

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Watched the film "Scarface" last night.

Quite a misleading title, I mean the bloke knew fuck all about scarfs

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

Today I watched a horror film.

An OSHA instruction video.

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

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