The 122+ Best Film Jokes

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.

...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.

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What's a streaker's favourite film?

Free Willy.

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

DC has announced an Arab superhero will be featured in their new film.

The world can look forward to seeing O-man.

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

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I participated in an adult film with the promise of a refreshing soft drink after the shoot.

I got a Squirt.

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

Why couldn’t Lorena Bobbitt be a successful film director?

Every time she yelled “CUT”, the male actors fled the set.

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

Last night I watched the uncut version of the film Scarface.

It was called Face.

what do you call someone who films spices?

A cinnamon-tographer!

Rick Astley will give you any of the Pixar films in his collection.

Except for Up.

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Last night watching a film with my son.

There were two girls in a bedroom with a man. They started undressing and kissing.

Me “ok bedtime for you”

Him ” don’t worry Daddy I have seen this on tv”

Me “that may be the case but you’re not watching me masturbate”

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

What is a Karen’s favorite film?

Minority Report

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

My dad asked me, “What’s your favorite Pixar film?”

I said, “Up. Yours?”

He said, “wow! Don’t be rude. It was just a question.”

I just downloaded the new Bohemian Rhapsody film...

...but I think it’s a pirate copy filmed in a cinema, because I can see a little silhouetto of a man.

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are talking about making a new film together.

Sly: “I wanna show the world that we’re more than just action movie stars. I wanna make a movie about classical music and classical composers. I know you guys love that stuff too. What do you think? Will you help me make a movie about it and show the world how cultured we are?”

Bruce: “I cou...

Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln?

He doesn't do well in theaters.

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What's the difference between a cinema snack and two police officers having sex in the back of a car while being filmed?

One is popcorn.

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film

Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?

Director: It's instrumental

Hugh Jackman films a movie in the Swiss Alps and loses his Dell laptop.

Just when he thinks it's lost forever, he is grateful to see it found, in the hands of a yodeler who tells him:

"Your Dell lay here, Hugh!"

I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film.

It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.

What is William Shatner's favorite film festival?

*CAAAAAAAAANNES!!!* ^^^^^^imsosorry

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

My next door neighbour has been in a few films

She'll be furious if she ever finds out

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Two pornstars get sent home from a mission trip in Africa, after they were caught filming themselves having sex.

Their response: "What? They said it was missionary work."

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

Any jokes you know the punch line to but not the set-up? I'll start. From the 1959 film Some Like it Hot:

"So the one-legged jockey says, 'don't mind me baby, I ride side-saddle!'"

I laugh every time even though I don't know the set-up. Anybody know the set-up, or any similar jokes?

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Have you see the film about the guy who can't stop crywanking?

It was a tearjerker.

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

Turning Red is a film that attempts to be more culturally sensitive of Chinese people...

You know, the people with the government who still can't handle seeing a black person on a movie poster.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

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A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.”

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audien...

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

Did you hear they’re selling the house where they filmed American History X?

The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

A guy walks into a shrinks wearing only shorts made from cling film.

The shrink takes one look and says: "I can clearly see your nuts!"

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

I went to the cinema to see a film about truck drivers

It wasn’t for me though. There were too many trailers.

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

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What do you call a sexual film that is a hit?

A banger

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I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.

I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

2021 was a great year in film for people who like musicals

And an insufferable year for people who hate theater kids

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

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[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

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I don't remember much about the films I made working in the Japanese porn industry

It was all a blur.

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

I tried writing a remake of my favourite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland

After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus

An Interviewer goes to take the interview of a famous Film Critic .

The critic says that he had watched almost all the films in the world ,which were from all the countries in the world.
The Interviewer asks him whether he knew some Spanish films , and if he did, to name them .

He replies by saying he does and gives the names of some famous Spanish movi...

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."

The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.

One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

Can’t wait to see the film “Constipation”

But it hasn’t come out yet :(

What do the films 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common?

Icy dead people.

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...

I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

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What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite film?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!!

Why were kids banned from watching a pirate film

Because it was rated rrrrrrrrr

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

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A man walks into his therapists office naked, save for being completely wrapped up in cling film.

The therapist looked up at him, and said:

"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

Has anyone seen the 1985 film Orion's Belt?

It wasn't that great, I give it 3 stars.

What do film makers use and IT people fear?

A blue screen

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971)

It's like there's no tomorrow.

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

Filmed my first bukkake scene today.

I just hope I came across well on camera.

Did you hear about how Tom Cruise belittled his film crew over Covid violations?

Normally he's the one that be little...

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

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