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Me and the Mrs were sat watching a film

on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen counter and starts to make love to her.

"Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens"

"I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that ever gets fucked in our kitchen is the food.

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

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I saw my first porn film last week.

I couldn't believe how young I looked.

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Did you hear about that new threesome adult film starring a physicist?

It's called, "The Double-slit Experiment".

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

Did you know Lynyrd Skynyrd owns a movie theater that plays a different classic film every day?

Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind

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My friend wanted to take me to his basement to show off his collection of obscure films

Weird flicks but okay.

Has anyone seen the 1985 film Orion's Belt?

It wasn't that great, I give it 3 stars.

Which film is Patrick Mahomes watching tonight?

Remember The Titans

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

It was movie night, and I thought my favourite baroque composer and Henry VIII would enjoy the film JFK.

Sadly, Bach and Tudor left.

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Overall, "Rise of Skywalker" was okay, but there was one thing that really annoyed me all through the film-

Those fucking Chinese subtitles!

I downloaded the music to the film Titanic.

It is syncing right now.

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

Droids claim they were molested by George Lucas during filming for Star Wars...

#R2MeToo

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance.

It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’

When I was younger I wanted to be a film developer

But then I realized I didn't want to sit in a dark room alone with a bunch of negative people

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

If a film series goes on long enough, there's bound to be a bad movie.

However, both of the godfather movies are amazing.

Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.

Just watch me.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film la...

I absolutely hate screening films for the Grasshopper Film Festival

Everybody's a cricket.

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

I once watched a film about clouds...

but it was way over my head.

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

The band U2 went to the premiere of the new Mr. Rogers film...

...because it’s a Beautiful Day in the neighborhood.

A film is to be made about the shootings last month in the El Paso Walmart

The Texas Chain Store Massacre

Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.

Patient: I guess?

Ps...

I heard Frankie Muniz is going to be playing a 1960's civil rights leader, in the upcoming film...

'Malcolm X in the Middle'.

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My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

I saw a film about the fall of the USSR

It was a blocbuster

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Two guys in a bar discuss their occupations

Guy 1 - What's your job?

Guy 2 - I work in construction. How about yours?

Guy 1 - I'm a chicken farmer.

Guy 2 - Oh I see. What kind of tasks does that involve?

Guy 1 - Well, just yesterday, I filmed two gorgeous women having sex and put it on my porn business website.<...

A cinema sold out for the Spongebob film in 4D

Everybody drowned in the cinema

I just downloaded the new Bohemian Rhapsody film...

...but I think it’s a pirate copy filmed in a cinema, because I can see a little silhouetto of a man.

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I got this one from the 2012 film 'Lincoln'

Ethan Allen was a Revolutionary War hero who had occasion to visit England shortly after peace was declared. During this trip, Allen’s British hosts pelted him with jokes about Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington which was conspicuously...

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

I saw the JFK film on the plane the other day

It was truly mind blowing

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

Who’s Bill Cosby’s favorite film director?

Spike Lee.

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An actor about to shoot a scene with a lion

He noticed the filming crew was in a cage, barely enough for them plus their equipments
The actor felt the need to inquire about the safety measures they had regarding the lion

"Before the scene, we make sure the lion mated, just to take the edge off." the lion tamer said.

"I'm not ...

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

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At the movies

Said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis"
He said, "Oh right, the one with Adolf in?"
I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis"

What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

Last night my wife and I watched 3 films back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

Credit to Tim Vine.

What do you call it when you film a long car ride in a movie?

A limo-scene

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

I couldn't find a seat for the new Elton John film

I'm still standing

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

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From farm to table...

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold...

A joke I heard in a Chinese film - Ip Man 3

Ah Mo was walking toward the table with the other men from work when one of them said

"If your wife controls you, go sit at that other table over there."

So, all of the men but Ah Mo moved to the other table.

The other men, upon seeing that Ah Mo didn't join them, started compl...

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

I'm so sick of film spoilers.

If anyone tells me what happens in the new Ted Bundy film I'm going to kill them.

Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year,

They have changed his catchphrase slightly though, to...

"Ah, me back."

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

Yesterday a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a film.

Her: “What would you like to watch?”
Me: “You pick.”
Her: “No, you pick.”
Me: “I don’t care. You pick.”
Her: “Sir, there are people in line behind you to buy tickets”

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

I recently watched a film called Online Dating.

Honestly, it wasn't as good as it looked on the internet.

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

NSFW My wife went to see a murder mystery film titled "Glory holes and murder"

When she came back home, she looked really wide eyed. "I said you look shocked"
She said "yes, a surprise ending, but I never saw it coming..."

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

Why are there never black dwarves in fantasy films?

Because Kevin Hart keeps suing the production companies for using his likeness without his approval.

A man dies and goes to heaven

He is assigned to an orientation angel, and along with other newly-arrived souls, they go on a tour around heaven.

"Here we have the genius section, where you will find many famous scientists, philosophers and artists having discussions, holding lectures and carrying out their life's work. Ov...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

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Why Vampires drink virgin blood...

If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.

(Underrated film)

I want to write a neo noir gangster film featuring Tom Waits just so I can use this line :

"Tom waits. I don't."

*shoots the guy*

I’ve been working on a film about menstruation in the 60s.

It’s a period piece.

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history

They had to beep out every word he said

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A Musician Walks Into a Porn Movie Showing At a Theatre

He's sitting there, waiting for the movie to start when a couple comes in sits down in front of him.
Not wanting to seem like some creepy incel he leans forward & says;
"I did the music for this film & wanted to hear how it sounded in a theatre"

The woman turns around &...

Did you hear about the wizard who directed a film?

He really made movie magic

To me, I think it was the right idea to give that new joker movie an R rating

Without it the whole film would seem like one big “*Joke*”

What do you call a dirty Halloween film?

Things that go Hump in the Night.

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

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i love those black-and-white films where no one says anything.

Interracial porn

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[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

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The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out my neighbour's 3 favourite films

* 10,000,000 Explosions

* Army Guys Yelling at Each Other

* Subwoofer: The Movie

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I've started a new porn business where I film unsuspecting real campers having sex and man is it exhilarating!

Its Really Fucking In Tents!

I just heard Paul Bettany is going to star in a standalone movie for the MCU which will begin filming later this year.

If the rumors are true, we're getting 2020 Vision.

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What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite film?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!!

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

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I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex.

This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'.

Using the latest animated film to potty train my son...

How to drain your dragon.

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Did you guys hear about that super-rare porno film that’s apparently the least-sexy pornography ever created?

It’s said to be very hard to come by.

I only look at 4K films now.

It's my New Years resolution.

What is the most grossing film of all time?

Two girls one cup.

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

Scottish Husband: There was a good film on tv last night, the boxing one with that guy Sylvester...?

Wife: Stallone?

Scottish Husband: No it’s not still oan, it was oan last night

How many film producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Does it have to be a lightbulb?

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