My dad asked me, “What’s your favourite Pixar film?”

I said, “Up. Yours?”

Dad: Wow, that’s extremely rude!

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

Two mice chewing on a film roll

One of them goes: "I think the book was better."

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

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I don't remember much about the films I made working in the Japanese porn industry

It was all a blur.

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It's ironic that Thelma and Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes

And then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

I went to the cinema to see a film about truck drivers

It wasn’t for me though. There were too many trailers.

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

2021 was a great year in film for people who like musicals

And an insufferable year for people who hate theater kids

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

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A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.”

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audien...

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

Two goats are eating garbage

The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.

When he's done, the second one asks, "how did you like the movie?"

The first one responds, "it was OK, but I liked the book better."

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bald.

A bald man went to the Dr to ask for help with his baldness, after months of trying various treatments, nothing had worked, in desperation, the Dr suggested that he rubbed his head against his wife's pussy every night. So he did, a month later, he had a fine covering of hair on his head, he was so p...

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

The turtle wanted to see an erotic movie once in his life.

But the box office wouldn't let her in, so she sat down in front of the cinema and started crying.

A young man walked by and asked the turtle what was wrong. She explained what had happened and the man suggested that he could hide her in his pants if the turtle would buy him a ticket. He woul...

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

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What do you call a sexual film that is a hit?

A banger

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

I tried writing a remake of my favourite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland

After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus

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I'm writing a film about a guy with a time machine who tries to stop Hitler's parents from meeting ...

I'm calling it 'Back to the Fuhrer'.

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

Can’t wait to see the film “Constipation”

But it hasn’t come out yet :(

I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971)

It's like there's no tomorrow.

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

this might crack you up

Humpty Dumpty wanted to be cast as the lead for an upcoming remake of Casablanca. He made it through several rounds of auditions and was among the final pool of candidates.

At the end of the final day, the candidates joined the film staff in walking to a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner.<...

Guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but cling film.

Doctor says I can clearly see you’re nuts.

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

Filmed my first bukkake scene today.

I just hope I came across well on camera.

Carlin had some great one-liners.

“World ends tonight. Film at 11:00”

“Dog explodes on Main Street. Man overcome by fur.”

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

An Interviewer goes to take the interview of a famous Film Critic .

The critic says that he had watched almost all the films in the world ,which were from all the countries in the world.
The Interviewer asks him whether he knew some Spanish films , and if he did, to name them .

He replies by saying he does and gives the names of some famous Spanish movi...

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

What film has the best connection?

Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping

I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...

I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

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A man walks into his therapists office naked, save for being completely wrapped up in cling film.

The therapist looked up at him, and said:

"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

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I like those black and white films where no one says anything

Interracial Porn

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I was watching a porn film the other day, and accidentally played the alternate ending. I didn’t think I would like it, but if I’m being honest....

I came to the wrong conclusion.

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

Halley's Comet

From: General Manager


To: Departmental Heads


On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area-an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phen...

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

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Steven Spielberg has announced a new film which takes a stand against genital mutilation

It's called Saving Private Parts

Why don’t film soundtracks use jazz and classical?

Too much sax and violins.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is retiring from doing films.

He already has a new gig in mind. He wants to be an exterminator.

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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

Did you hear about how Tom Cruise belittled his film crew over Covid violations?

Normally he's the one that be little...

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

I just downloaded the new Bohemian Rhapsody film...

...but I think it’s a pirate copy filmed in a cinema, because I can see a little silhouetto of a man.

What do you call an adult film made under the sea?

A prawn

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

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The moon landing could not have been filmed in Hollywood.

If it had, there’d be at least one sex scene.

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

How do you tell the different between a psychiatrist and an adult film star?

Ask them to pronounce the word 'analyzed.'

George Clooney Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a new film.

George Clooney says he’s gonna direct Leonardo DiCaprio says he’s gonna be the producer and Matthew McConaughey says I’ll write I’ll writte I’ll write

I hear that the Government hired Stanley Kubrick to help film The Fake Moon Landing

But since Kubrick was such a perfectionist he forced the Government to film on location.

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

What is Quentin Tarantino most known for?

Feeture Films

Marvel Studios is now against hair coloring

In fact, their next film is about a group of people that never dye

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

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Guy Fieri walks into a dive bar/restaurant after a long day of filming.

The menu board lists:

$5 Grilled Cheese Sandwich

$10 Growler of Beer

$25 Handjob

$50 Blowjob

The gorgeous bartender sees him at the bar and seductively asks what he'd like to order. Guy asks her if she is the woman performing the handjobs and blowjobs, to which s...

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

A man goes to Blockbuster and starts looking at films

He goes through different genres until he stops at superheroes and ask to the shop assistant:

\- Could I rent "Batman Forever"?

And the shop assistant replies:

\- No, Batman returns always to the shop

Guess which film franchise reboot would score millions now?

The Mask.

Has anyone seen the 1985 film Orion's Belt?

It wasn't that great, I give it 3 stars.

Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film)

If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine.

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I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.

Be fucking quiet, I'm trying to film a movie here!

Matthew Broderick has just announced a sequel to one of his biggest films!

He'll play Iron Man's nephew who skips school to go on a wacky adventure in Chicago with his friends!

Its called "Ferrous Bueller's Day Off".

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

I thought 'Chicken Run' was supposed to be a kids film.

But it's full of fowl language.

Do you know who's behind that new animated animal-horror-film?

It's a company called Pig-Saw.

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

HBO Max has removed the film “Gone With The Wind,” from their streaming platform and...

frankly my dear...

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

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What did Jonathan Ross say after filming his first porno?

That's a WAP.

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, howev...

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

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A film professor hangs a gun on the wall for the first day of class.

Anyone who attended the final failed.

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