Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.

Just watch me.

Patient: I’m addicted to watching the film Grease.

Psychiatrist: Tell me more, tell me more.

Patient: I make my girlfriend watch it with me every day.

Psychiatrist: Does she put up a fight?

Patient: Sometimes, yeah.

Psychiatrist: Well, that’s women for you... summer lovin’, some aren’t.

Patient: I guess?

Ps...

I thought I would hate starring in a bukkake film,

but those guys really rubbed off on me.

My chocolate egg had special inner foil, and a grand prize inside: on-set passes to the filming of Multiverse of Madness!

Thanks for the Strange, gold Kinder!

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film la...

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

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I got this one from the 2012 film 'Lincoln'

Ethan Allen was a Revolutionary War hero who had occasion to visit England shortly after peace was declared. During this trip, Allen’s British hosts pelted him with jokes about Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington which was conspicuously...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

I saw a film about the fall of the USSR

It was a blocbuster

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

A cinema sold out for the Spongebob film in 4D

Everybody drowned in the cinema

A film is to be made about the shootings last month in the El Paso Walmart

The Texas Chain Store Massacre

I heard Frankie Muniz is going to be playing a 1960's civil rights leader, in the upcoming film...

'Malcolm X in the Middle'.

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

I just downloaded the new Bohemian Rhapsody film...

...but I think it’s a pirate copy filmed in a cinema, because I can see a little silhouetto of a man.

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

I saw the JFK film on the plane the other day

It was truly mind blowing

What do you call it when you film a long car ride in a movie?

A limo-scene

Last night my wife and I watched 3 films back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

Credit to Tim Vine.

I couldn't find a seat for the new Elton John film

I'm still standing

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

A joke I heard in a Chinese film - Ip Man 3

Ah Mo was walking toward the table with the other men from work when one of them said

"If your wife controls you, go sit at that other table over there."

So, all of the men but Ah Mo moved to the other table.

The other men, upon seeing that Ah Mo didn't join them, started compl...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

I'm so sick of film spoilers.

If anyone tells me what happens in the new Ted Bundy film I'm going to kill them.

Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year,

They have changed his catchphrase slightly though, to...

"Ah, me back."

What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

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I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex.

This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'.

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

Yesterday a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a film.

Her: “What would you like to watch?”
Me: “You pick.”
Her: “No, you pick.”
Me: “I don’t care. You pick.”
Her: “Sir, there are people in line behind you to buy tickets”

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

NSFW My wife went to see a murder mystery film titled "Glory holes and murder"

When she came back home, she looked really wide eyed. "I said you look shocked"
She said "yes, a surprise ending, but I never saw it coming..."

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

Why are there never black dwarves in fantasy films?

Because Kevin Hart keeps suing the production companies for using his likeness without his approval.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

The moon landing was fake

But the film director demanded they film on site

I recently watched a film called Online Dating.

Honestly, it wasn't as good as it looked on the internet.

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

Aladdin did not have Nipples in Disnets original animated blockbuster film.

I guess you can't milk a street rat.

Did you hear about the wizard who directed a film?

He really made movie magic

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

Doctor! Doctor!

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a dog!" "Have a seat and we'll talk." "But I'm not allowed on the sofa."

"Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a roll of film." "Well let's more as this story develops."

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a curtain!" "Calm down. Pull yourself together."

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

I’ve been working on a film about menstruation in the 60s.

It’s a period piece.

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

One day, Keanu Reeves is leaving his house...

On his way out, his home is surrounded by paparazzi. Looking into the crowds, he sees 20 people or so, and standing in between all of them, is a rather large machine. He hides his face and quickly rushes to his car.

Keanu, knowing how to elude the paparazzi where possible, drives a rather ro...

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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing...

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Film Role

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and I have planned to get my revenge on Matt Damon ever since.

I’ll make him wish he’d never been Bourne!

I’m making a film about killer vacumes

It’s called Dyson with Death

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history

They had to beep out every word he said

I'm pretty sure I've figured out my neighbour's 3 favourite films

* 10,000,000 Explosions

* Army Guys Yelling at Each Other

* Subwoofer: The Movie

I just heard Paul Bettany is going to star in a standalone movie for the MCU which will begin filming later this year.

If the rumors are true, we're getting 2020 Vision.

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The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.

What do you call a dirty Halloween film?

Things that go Hump in the Night.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

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A film director is getting ready early in the morning to start work.

It's 6am. There's a knock at his trailer door. He answers and a crew member tells him that they've been postponing too long and have to get to work asap.

The director knows this but appreciates the reminder. He only has time to get dressed, no brushing his teeth, no eating, nothing else. ...

My wife wanted to make love ‘like they do in the movies’

So I hired a film crew

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Did you guys hear about that super-rare porno film that’s apparently the least-sexy pornography ever created?

It’s said to be very hard to come by.

I only look at 4K films now.

It's my New Years resolution.

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I've started a new porn business where I film unsuspecting real campers having sex and man is it exhilarating!

Its Really Fucking In Tents!

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What do you call a scary porn

A whorror film

Did you hear about that movie star that did hard drugs for an entire year to play an addict in a film?

He's a meth-head actor

What is the most grossing film of all time?

Two girls one cup.

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[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

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i love those black-and-white films where no one says anything.

Interracial porn

Using the latest animated film to potty train my son...

How to drain your dragon.

Why did the camera blush?

Because it saw film strip.

Scottish Husband: There was a good film on tv last night, the boxing one with that guy Sylvester...?

Wife: Stallone?

Scottish Husband: No it’s not still oan, it was oan last night

Washing Dishes In The Countryside

Jim visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, Jim's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Jim noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold wa...

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What's Gordon Ramsey's favourite film?

IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!!

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

Today I watched a horror film.

An OSHA instruction video.

How many film producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Does it have to be a lightbulb?

I was going to make a pretty decent unboxing video today

However it’s against the rules to film in a cemetery...

Have you heard about Angelina Jolie’s new film about abortion?

It’s called “Womb Raider.”

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

It turns out Wales are due to do their own film version of the clown IT

No one knows what the title will be yet, but I'm willing to bet it will be Welsh-IT

I finally asked Stacey to prom!!!

She was my neighbor for years and it took me months of planning and going back and forth to ask her out. My friend Richy thought if i was this nervous i shouldn’t ask her our, but when i finally did she said yes

When we got to the dance i introduced her to Richy and my other friends who went ...

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What do you call a Hardcore porno filmed on a boat in the ocean?

Offshore Drilling

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year"

Fuck, what site are they downloading them from? It's free for me..

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I working on an indie film about premature ejaculation

It's coming soon

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a script for a film about a female dog who can howl the exact note you play on your piano.

It’s called, “Bitch Perfect.”

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In an upcoming film, Matthew McConaughey is going to play a Neo-Nazi

He’s gonna be alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

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A man signs up to be a special effects supervisor in a studio.

A man, Dave, signs up to be a special fx supervisor in a film making studio. His job was to study different “boards” each containing different sound effects, and he was to pick out the most pleasing and configure them to his preferences.

The first day, Dave went to work and he was directed to...

I'm making a silent film set in the Middle East

It's titled A Kuwait Place

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