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Hugh Jackman films a movie in the Swiss Alps and loses his Dell laptop.

Just when he thinks it's lost forever, he is grateful to see it found, in the hands of a yodeler who tells him:

"Your Dell lay here, Hugh!"

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film

Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?

Director: It's instrumental

My next door neighbour has been in a few films

She'll be furious if she ever finds out

which snack food ruined the silent film industry?

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Takis!

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

Everyone has a film that made them emotional.

For me it was TITANIC... Because not only do you get a beautiful love story, but also... I'm was like... \*emotional\*

"Look - So many fans of the Wim Hof Method!"

I always watch Die Another Day before having a microwave dinner

Why? Because it says Pierce film before heating.

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Two pornstars get sent home from a mission trip in Africa, after they were caught filming themselves having sex.

Their response: "What? They said it was missionary work."

What is William Shatner's favorite film festival?

*CAAAAAAAAANNES!!!* ^^^^^^imsosorry

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

Did you hear they’re selling the house where they filmed American History X?

The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Two mice chewing on a film roll

One of them goes: "I think the book was better."

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

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I watched my first porn film today

I looked so much younger back then

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

A couple were having a picnic in a jungle

Suddenly a crocodile appears and attacks the husband. He cries "Shoot it, quick". "I can't!" says his wife. "I've run out of film!"

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

Frank, Dean and Gene were filming together in the Carribean

"You know," pondered Frank, while they were on break, "It'd be a shame if we just sat around at the hotel, wasting a beautiful day in such a beautiful place as this. We should do some exploring while we're here."

The others agreed unanimously, so they spent the morning walking around town, mi...

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

Having not watched the film, I thought ‘Die Hard’

Was about autoerotic asyphixiation

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

A guy walks into a shrinks wearing only shorts made from cling film.

The shrink takes one look and says: "I can clearly see your nuts!"

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

My dad asked me, “What’s your favourite Pixar film?”

I said, “Up. Yours?”

Dad: Wow, that’s extremely rude!

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

Have you heard about what the necromancer movie director did?

He ordered the whole film to be reanimated.

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

I went to the cinema to see a film about truck drivers

It wasn’t for me though. There were too many trailers.

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

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I don't remember much about the films I made working in the Japanese porn industry

It was all a blur.

2021 was a great year in film for people who like musicals

And an insufferable year for people who hate theater kids

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

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A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.”

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audien...

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What do you call a sexual film that is a hit?

A banger

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

I was banned from playing soccer due to my two-foot tackle

Though it did wonders for my career in adult films.

I tried writing a remake of my favourite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland

After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

Went to an indie film festival on the weekend and learned....

....a lot about Mario Andretti.

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

Can’t wait to see the film “Constipation”

But it hasn’t come out yet :(

Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated after saving his family several times.

His next film is going to be "Taken 4 Granted."

Can't believe the film Groundhog Day came out 26 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

I just downloaded the new Bohemian Rhapsody film...

...but I think it’s a pirate copy filmed in a cinema, because I can see a little silhouetto of a man.

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

An Interviewer goes to take the interview of a famous Film Critic .

The critic says that he had watched almost all the films in the world ,which were from all the countries in the world.
The Interviewer asks him whether he knew some Spanish films , and if he did, to name them .

He replies by saying he does and gives the names of some famous Spanish movi...

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Three devout Italian nuns passed away…

Alt the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of their lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Sophia...

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

What film has the best connection?

Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

I feel sorry for orphans.

There are plenty of great PG films.

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

Filmed my first bukkake scene today.

I just hope I came across well on camera.

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971)

It's like there's no tomorrow.

I made a movie about farm life...

...but the film quality was too grainy and the plot was very corny.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...

I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

Why were kids banned from watching a pirate film

Because it was rated rrrrrrrrr

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

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One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

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In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

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A man walks into his therapists office naked, save for being completely wrapped up in cling film.

The therapist looked up at him, and said:

"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

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Steven Spielberg has announced a new film which takes a stand against genital mutilation

It's called Saving Private Parts

What do you call an adult film made under the sea?

A prawn

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

A man goes to the movies and sees a large dog sitting next to a woman watching the film

He says to her "I am surprised your dog is enjoying this movie"

The woman replies "Me too, he hated the book"

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

Has anyone seen the 1985 film Orion's Belt?

It wasn't that great, I give it 3 stars.

I hear that the Government hired Stanley Kubrick to help film The Fake Moon Landing

But since Kubrick was such a perfectionist he forced the Government to film on location.

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is retiring from doing films.

He already has a new gig in mind. He wants to be an exterminator.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

George Clooney Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a new film.

George Clooney says he’s gonna direct Leonardo DiCaprio says he’s gonna be the producer and Matthew McConaughey says I’ll write I’ll writte I’ll write

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I like those black and white films where no one says anything

Interracial Porn

Did you hear about how Tom Cruise belittled his film crew over Covid violations?

Normally he's the one that be little...

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

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Gordon Ramsey.

What is Gordon Ramsey's favourite animated film.?





It's fucking frozen.

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[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film)

If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine.

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

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