UPJOKE
manfemaleboymasculinemanlyvirilephallicmachomenfellowwomanhumanyoung-begettingmasculinityfella

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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What do you call a new male sex worker?

Up and cummer

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overbo...

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

My friend asked me what a Sigma male was, so I said..

Well to sum it up they’re not just your average guys, and to add to that, they’re kind of like a calculator, you can pretty much always count on them.

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

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"Aren't you gonna eat me now?" asked the male praying mantis after sex

"Nah, that's just the females."

I can never tell male and female geese apart.

I'm confused about my gander identity.

What do you call a biologically male wombat?

An "at," since they lack wombs.

What is the best male contraceptive ?

An empty wallet.

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

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A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

A man hires a poacher to capture a male gorilla for a zoo.

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man. The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua. They search through the jungl...

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs?

A massage-onist.


(OC)

The lifecycle of a male bee.

Male bees die after mating.

That’s basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

What did the male dog say to the female dog who was standing in his way?

Absolutely nothing since dogs cannot use words the way humans do.

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Male bees die after sex.

If they knew beforehand it would be a total buzzkill.

What did the male magnet say, to the female magnet?

When I saw you from behind, I was repelled. Now that I see you from the front, I am attracted.

Is Google male or female?

Answer: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Is there a big difference between male and female anatomy?

Yes, there is a vas deferens.

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Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

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The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

A common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time...

one to cook, one to clean.

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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

A female cricket walks into a room full of male crickets

\*crickets\*

How do you know that Tickle Me Elmo is male?

Before he leaves the factory, they give him two test tickles.

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

A lot of people think that the two male testes are the one entity.

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

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My dog is a male

and he is a son of a bitch

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Male pupil: The principal of our school is stupid.

Female pupil: Do you know who I am?


Male pupil: I don’t know.


Female pupil: The principal’s daughter.


Male pupil: Hey, do you know who I am?


Female pupil: I don’t know.


Male pupil: That’s good.

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

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Why are male genitalia called cocks?

because they are always up in the morning

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

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When all the males in the morgue freezer were found missing their penis, police immediately suspected Guy Fieri.

After all, who else would try to pull off frosted tips like that?

If females are XX and males are XY, then what is YYY?

Delilah.

What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

A hundres sows n' bucks

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What do you call a male prostitute?

A sell sword.

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

How can you tell Rudolph the reindeer was male?

He was only liked when he was useful.

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

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What do you call a recording of a female to male sex reassignment surgery?

an unboxing video

What do you call a male Oyster?

A Boyster.

What do you call an Alpha male Oyster?

Boysterous.

What do you call an Oyster who lives in a society?

The Joyster.

Two Ghosts Walk Into A Bar

Ghost 1: Hey bro, you new here?


Ghost 2: Yeah.


Ghost 1: So, how did you die?


Ghost 2: I got locked in a fridge. At first I was still fine, but then I slowly suffocated and froze to death.


Ghost 1: Damn that's terrible. Sorry to hear that.


Ghost ...

What are a male donkey’s pronouns?

He / haw

Anybody caught breaking the rule...

**Anybody caught breaking the rule will be fined.**

**On the first day of university the Dean is addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules.**

**“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory for the female students.**

...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

What do they call a male chicken in britain?

Rorchestershire

This is an important statement about erectile dysfunction and male virility.

What, you thought it would be a joke? The punchline isn't coming.

How would you tell if a chromosome is male or female?

You unzip the genes

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

What does Corporate America call a company with an all-white, all-male Board of Directors and an all-white, all-male Executive Team, except for one white lady who's the VP of HR and an Indian dude who's the CTO?

Diverse

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What do you call a male prostitute's pay?

Hard earned money.

How does a male potato chip mate with a female potato chip?

He Lay's on her.

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

what do you call 1/10th of a male cow?

A decibel

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Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

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What is a male streakers favorite movie?

Free Willy

How does a male seahorse give birth?

with a Sea-section.

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

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Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?

The Price of wood is so damn high.....

A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television

She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself

She approaches the salesman and says "I would like to buy this TV." The salesman says "sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don't think you know what you're looking for."

Upset, the blonde storms out and thin...

How can you tell that only male beavers cut down trees?

Because they're all fellers.

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Male porn stars are some of the most reliable employees.

They’re always working hard.

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I'm very concerned...

I recently discovered that the average American male has sex 2 to 3 times a week.
I also found out that the average Japanese man has sex 2 to 3 times a year.

I'm very concerned because I had no idea I was Japanese.

I used to be a male trapped in a women's body

Then I was born.

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

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Not everything I do is for the male gaze…

Sometimes it’s for the female gays.

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Assuming that God is male is so sexist

... especially considering that no matter how many times you repent for your sins God is still giving you a silent treatment.

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

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Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The s...

What did the Male octopus say to the female octopus?

May I hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?

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I got fired from being a male pornstar.

They said I was too cocky.

Do you know why they choose the letter Y for the chromosome found in males?

Because that's what all the women say when men do anything

The Male Perspective

### Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?”


The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

I've been receiving a lot of targeted ads about male enhancement lately....

Never have I been more offended and grateful in my life.

Obligatory cake day joke

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

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What do you call a male bee's private parts?

BEEZ NUTS

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A doctor requests a semen sample from an old patient.

He gives him a jar and a porno magazine but the patient is having trouble producing the sample. The doctor says he can go home with the jar and return it the next day filled with the sample.

The next day the old man returns and the jar is is empty

Doctor: "what happened? Still having...

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Girlfriend: "I'm new to learning about male anatomy how does your penis work?"

Guy: "It doesn't."

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

How does a male donkey laugh at a mediocre joke

He haws

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Wife or Golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER notifying hi...

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

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Visit to a hospital

A wealthy woman was being shown around a hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

\- "Oh My God!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful, why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

\-...

From tomorrow on germany is going to have a male chancelor

Finally kids under 16 can see that a man can become everything!

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I saw a sign outside a farm offering free male cow waste

That's Bullshit, I thought to myself.

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Say what you want about male sex workers

But they always work hard

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

A woman enters the veterinarian's office with a large male Rottweiler.

The vet asks, " How can we help you today?"

The woman says, "My dog is all grown up now, and has started humping everything he can for hours on end day after day."

The vet asks, " Ahhh, ok so you want to set up an appointment to have him neutered?"

The woman responds, "No no, ju...

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The bible says, If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

It doesn't say anything about fucking while standing so God is probably good with that.

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

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𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲

There were two statues standing in the park.

One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells the...

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What do plants and male strippers have in common?

They grow when you make it rain.

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A female fly is minding her own business…

A female fly is sitting on a piece of shit, minding her own business. A male fly comes along and asks “excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?”

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?

*"Seeing you from the back, I thought you were repulsive. But seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive."*

All Indian males are beta males

All Indian males are beta males.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because All Indian mothers call their son beta

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

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I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

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