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The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

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Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

Male bees die after mating.

That's basically their entire life.

Honey, Nut, Cheerio

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A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

How can you tell Rudolph the reindeer was male?

He was only liked when he was useful.

If females are XX and males are XY, then what is YYY?

Delilah.

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

How would you tell if a chromosome is male or female?

You unzip the genes

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

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What do you call a male prostitute?

A sell sword.

How does a male seahorse give birth?

with a Sea-section.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the s...

What do they call a male chicken in britain?

Rorchestershire

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What is a male streakers favorite movie?

Free Willy

what do you call 1/10th of a male cow?

A decibel

How does a male potato chip mate with a female potato chip?

He Lay's on her.

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What do you call a male prostitute's pay?

Hard earned money.

How can you tell that only male beavers cut down trees?

Because they're all fellers.

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

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Male porn stars are some of the most reliable employees.

They’re always working hard.

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

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Not everything I do is for the male gaze…

Sometimes it’s for the female gays.

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Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

Do you know why they choose the letter Y for the chromosome found in males?

Because that's what all the women say when men do anything

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

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𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲

There were two statues standing in the park.

One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells the...

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

What did the Male octopus say to the female octopus?

May I hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?

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What do you call a male bee's private parts?

BEEZ NUTS

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Assuming that God is male is so sexist

... especially considering that no matter how many times you repent for your sins God is still giving you a silent treatment.

From tomorrow on germany is going to have a male chancelor

Finally kids under 16 can see that a man can become everything!

What are a male donkey’s pronouns?

He / haw

I used to be a male trapped in a women's body

Then I was born.

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I saw a sign outside a farm offering free male cow waste

That's Bullshit, I thought to myself.

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Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?

The Price of wood is so damn high.....

I've been receiving a lot of targeted ads about male enhancement lately....

Never have I been more offended and grateful in my life.

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

The Male Perspective

### Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?”


The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

How does a male donkey laugh at a mediocre joke

He haws

A lawyer and his friend from the Czech Republic were camping, when they heard a rustling sound.

They looked behind them and saw a huge male grizzly bear jumping out at them from behind a bush. The two friends fled for their lives, and the bear chased them.

The lawyer escaped, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The lawyer watched in horror as his friend was swiped by the bear's mighty paw a...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

A woman enters the veterinarian's office with a large male Rottweiler.

The vet asks, " How can we help you today?"

The woman says, "My dog is all grown up now, and has started humping everything he can for hours on end day after day."

The vet asks, " Ahhh, ok so you want to set up an appointment to have him neutered?"

The woman responds, "No no, ju...

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

It must be good to be a male bus driver...

They pick up ladies all day!

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Say what you want about male sex workers

But they always work hard

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?

*"Seeing you from the back, I thought you were repulsive. But seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive."*

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

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What do plants and male strippers have in common?

They grow when you make it rain.

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Sometimes a person is born male, but later transitions to being a woman.

If that person then decides they actually do identify as a man, does that make them a transformer?

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

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Which is the lightest organ of the male human body ?

Penis. Because thoughts can lift it.

On my first day of work as a zoo keeper I noticed one of my male coworkers had a bulge in his pants. I asked him...

"Is that a small monkey in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

He said "Yeah, it's Macaque"

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog licking his self.

One guy says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he’ll let you pet him first...

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I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

what do you call male mermaids?

sea men

The Falkland Islands are the male nipples of the British Empire

Not necessary- but will protect

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

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What do you call a really cheap male prostitute?

Five dollar footlong.

Empty Cart

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

My husband was in the kitchen making a lot of noise....

I asked him what he was doing. He said he was killing flies. I asked if he was having any luck. He said yes, he had killed two males and three females. I asked, "how can you tell?" He answered, " two on the beer can, three on the phone".

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A female and a male whale were swimming through the ocean.

They spot a ship up ahead and the male whale turns to the female whale and
says: "Hey I have an idea... why don't you swim over, underneath the ship,
and blow air out your blow hole, knock the ship over and gobble up all the
sailors?" The female responds "Hey! I do not mind the blow j...

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don’t understand why?

Wife: I’m pretty sure it’s to stop the male from snoring before it starts

I have so much respect for male to female trans people...

I mean, that surgery takes balls.

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A male pornstar was robbed on the street in the daylight!!

He lost his hard earned money.

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A male bee dies after sex

I guess you could call that a honey nut cheerio

What do you call a group of males from Germany?

Germen

What did the male alpaca say to the female alpaca?

Como te llama

If you made a guess, would google be male or female?

Definitely a female, she won’t let you finish a sentence without trying to finish it for you!

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

Why did Iron Man become a trans woman?

Because she realized she was Fe-male!

What does a woman wash with if she wants to put off male suitors?

Deter-gent.

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A male praying mantis sees a hot praying mantis at the bar

"Hey girl... you want go back to my place?"

"fuck off!"

"OK, woman, no need for you to bite my head off...unless you want to."

Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow?

Because it’s In defence of bull!

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor examined him and told him that aside from a low sperm count, he was perfectly healthy. The old man scoffed and said, "Nonsense, I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do y...

How do you know coronavirus is male?

Because if it was female, they would have killed it when it was born in China.

How do you tell if a cow is male or female?

If you are alive after trying to milk it, it’s female

How do you tell the difference between a female and male ant?

A girl ant sinks in water.

A buoyant floats.

Heard about the male escort with leprosy?

He did pretty good til his business dropped off

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

Two students, both 5 year old kids are peeing inside the male toilet.

Boy 1: Hey, what's wrong with your pee-pee?

Boy 2: What do you mean?

Boy 1: It doesn't look like mine, why is there no skin thingy?

Boy 2: Oh, i was circumcised when i was 2 days old. The doctor removed the skin.

Boy 1: (Grimacing) Oww, was it painful?

Boy 2: Painf...

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

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God creating humans..

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine", says God, "Women get mul...

Two statues, one female and the other male, had faced each other in a city park for decades. One day an angel appeared and said...

... “you’ve been such fantastic statues for such a long time, that I have a special gift for you. I am going to bring you to life for 30 minutes and you can do whatever you wish”. With a clap of his hands the statues came alive.

They climbed down from their pedestals and shyly approached ea...

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The rabbit was running away from two hunters

He stoped for a second to tell the old shepherd something, and continued running.
Soon the hunters caught up and asked the old shepherd: "Have you seen the rabbit passing through here?"

Shepherd without hesitation answerd : "Yes he passed through here."

Hunters wanting to make fun...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

Why'd the male Jewish dog feel the need to study up on his Hebrew?

He was about to celebrate his bark mitzvah :3

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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