UPJOKE
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Male Jokes

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

What are a male donkey’s pronouns?

He / haw

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back...

(Classic Joke) A woman and her male neighbour each buy greenhouses…

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed ...

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Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

A female accountant asked her male counterpart “How’s everything going for you?”

He replied “Great! I feel like $100! How about you?”

She replied “Same! I feel like $82!”

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Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you're level 100 friendzoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country

It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!

A sign in male toilet:

# Dear Gentlemen! Don't flatter yourself, step closer.

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I'm no longer a 27 year old male virgin!

I'm 28 today!

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The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

I too was a male trapped in a female's body

until the doctors pulled me out of the womb.

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

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Male Sex Workers

They have a hard job.

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

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How do male sheep masturbate?

They bleat-off!

I know. The joke is baaaaad.

If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?

Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?

What did the doctor say to to the female to male trans guy.

You have an iron deficiency.

What language do male teabags speak?

Hebrew

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

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Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

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A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..

Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"

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Frequently while mating, female mantises will bite the males' heads off. So why do male mantises still have sex with them?

Have you ever tried masturbating with spiked clampers for hands?

You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male

They have a higher rate of penetration...

[OC] Everyone talks about being an "Alpha Male"...

I definitely consider myself a Beta male, lots of fun features, but I don't always work correctly...

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A male and female statue stare at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 min...

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Male Porn star.

How can you tell a male porn star at a petrol station.?

He pulls the nozzle out just before the tank is full and sprays the last bit over the windscreen and bonnet.

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What do you call a male prostitute?

A sell sword.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

I don't understand sigma males

It just doesn't add up

All Indian males are beta males

All Indian males are beta males.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because All Indian mothers call their son beta

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

What does a male otter call his wife?

My significant otter

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Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?

The Price of wood is so damn high.....

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Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

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Male bees die after sex.

If they knew beforehand it would be a total buzzkill.

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I finally tried one of those male masturbation toys...

It sucked!!!

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

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Being a mechanic is like being a male prostitute.

You get paid for parts and labor.

What the difference between a male and female lemon?

One's a sour-puss.

What do you call a psychic that only talks to male spirits?

Misogymystic

What do you have when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

A hundred sows ‘n bucks.

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My friend claims there's no word for excrement produced by male cattle.

I think that's bullshit.

what is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?

he/hiss

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

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What's the difference between 5 Male porn stars and a joke?

Your mother can't take a joke.

U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

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what did the pimp say to his male prostitute?

Working hard at work or just hard at work?

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took balls.

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

What do communists and the male g-spot have in common?

They're both prostate.

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A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

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Why are male genitalia called cocks?

because they are always up in the morning

What do they call a male chicken in britain?

Rorchestershire

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A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

The Male Perspective

### Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?”


The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”

There's a male employee at the UN who dresses in drag at night.

He's a trans later

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I've only had sex with two male prostitutes and two female prostitutes.

I'm buysexual.

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

Male or Female Shipping

So I was purchasing something online and I asked the wife if we should get Male or Female Shipping.

She was like what does that mean?

I said, do you want it to come quick or slow and maybe not at all.



I think I just made this up.

I can never tell male and female geese apart.

I'm confused about my gander identity.

Do you know what a male concubine is called?

A concubone

What do you call a male Oyster?

A Boyster.

What do you call an Alpha male Oyster?

Boysterous.

What do you call an Oyster who lives in a society?

The Joyster.

How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts?

One has boooooobs.
The other gets full pay at their jobs.

My friend asked me what a Sigma male was, so I said..

Well to sum it up they’re not just your average guys, and to add to that, they’re kind of like a calculator, you can pretty much always count on them.

So these male two car salesmen are good friends…

One day at work one of the car salesmen says “can you hand me that little booklet with the information about the car?” And the other responds with “Bro, sure.”

Why do male dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys

Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

How do you know that Tickle Me Elmo is male?

Before he leaves the factory, they give him two test tickles.

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What is a male streakers favorite movie?

Free Willy

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What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?

Because they're stud-ants!

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What do you call a male prostitute's pay?

Hard earned money.

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

Is there a big difference between male and female anatomy?

Yes, there is a vas deferens.

How can you tell Rudolph the reindeer was male?

He was only liked when he was useful.

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My son asked me, "Dad, what's the difference between the male and female sexual organs?"

I replied, "Well, there's a vas deferens".

what do you call male mermaids?

sea men

How does a male seahorse give birth?

with a Sea-section.

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Assuming that God is male is so sexist

... especially considering that no matter how many times you repent for your sins God is still giving you a silent treatment.

Iron Man is a very confusing character.

I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.

If females are XX and males are XY, then what is YYY?

Delilah.

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Male pupil: The principal of our school is stupid.

Female pupil: Do you know who I am?


Male pupil: I don’t know.


Female pupil: The principal’s daughter.


Male pupil: Hey, do you know who I am?


Female pupil: I don’t know.


Male pupil: That’s good.

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

When I was buying a male deer for $1000, the salesman offered me a female deer for only $20 more.

I went ahead and bought it because it was a great bang for the buck.

The Army now has an entire platoon of female-to male and male-to-female recruits.

It's a complete trans formation.

What do you call a group of males from Germany?

Germen

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