UPJOKE
manfemaleboymasculinevirilephallicmachomenfellowwomanhumanyoung-begettingmasculinityfellaboy wonder

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 5 Male porn stars and a joke?

Your mother can't take a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do male sheep masturbate?

They bleat-off!

I know. The joke is baaaaad.

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm no longer a 27 year old male virgin!

I'm 28 today!

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took balls.

I too was a male trapped in a female's body

until the doctors pulled me out of the womb.

Why are genies always male?

Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamps never know how to rub it just right.

What does a male otter call his wife?

My significant otter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've only had sex with two male prostitutes and two female prostitutes.

I'm buysexual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked me, "Dad, what's the difference between the male and female sexual organs?"

I replied, "Well, there's a vas deferens".

Why did the male doll fall apart after Barbie friendzoned him?

Because he became Bro Ken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female dog called "bitch" what do you call a male dog

A son of a bitch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a mechanic is like being a male prostitute.

You get paid for parts and labor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

What could be the reason for separating male and female chess championships?

In case they mate

How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

You pull down its genes

what is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?

he/hiss

What’s the difference between a male crab and a female crab???

Mudflaps

Why are male cheerleaders anti patriarchy?

Because they are always holding women up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frequently while mating, female mantises will bite the males' heads off. So why do male mantises still have sex with them?

Have you ever tried masturbating with spiked clampers for hands?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

What do you call it when the guy who does your shiatsu is a male chauvinist pig?

Massage-ony.

Do you know how to tell the difference between a male tree and a female tree?

Look for it's wood pecker.

Is Google male or female?

Female because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions.

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

Do you know what a male concubine is called?

A concubone

What is the best male contraceptive ?

An empty wallet.

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to determine sex of aquarium fish?

Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it's a male, if she eats it, then it's a female.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male Porn star.

How can you tell a male porn star at a petrol station.?

He pulls the nozzle out just before the tank is full and sprays the last bit over the windscreen and bonnet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

My friend asked me what a Sigma male was, so I said..

Well to sum it up they’re not just your average guys, and to add to that, they’re kind of like a calculator, you can pretty much always count on them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a new male sex worker?

Up and cummer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

So these male two car salesmen are good friends…

One day at work one of the car salesmen says “can you hand me that little booklet with the information about the car?” And the other responds with “Bro, sure.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met my new neighbor today

I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.”

So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have ...

What do you call a biologically male wombat?

An "at," since they lack wombs.

What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs?

A massage-onist.


(OC)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Javascript and female masturbation have in common?

They are both object-based.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to tell the sex of an Orange.

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a Male.

If it's bitter for no fucking reason it's a Female.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't have a lot of time left in my busy day for my appointment with the male prostitute.

So I just blew him off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Aren't you gonna eat me now?" asked the male praying mantis after sex

"Nah, that's just the females."

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

A man hires a poacher to capture a male gorilla for a zoo.

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man. The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua. They search through the jungl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male bees die after sex.

If they knew beforehand it would be a total buzzkill.

When a man eats too much iron

He becomes Female

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

What did the male dog say to the female dog who was standing in his way?

Absolutely nothing since dogs cannot use words the way humans do.

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

What did the male magnet say, to the female magnet?

When I saw you from behind, I was repelled. Now that I see you from the front, I am attracted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

I can never tell male and female geese apart.

I'm confused about my gander identity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The box of condoms

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand, and notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen

She says,

\- ”We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”

The young man thinks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The scientific experiment

Three international urologists were arguing amongst themselves as to why the head of a man’s penis is larger in circumference than the shaft.

At the end, they decided to go back to their respective countries and perform sexual scientific experimentation, and then share their written conclusi...

punctuations

An English professor wrote the words:
A woman without her man is nothing.

He asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All male students wrote:
A woman, without her man, is nothing.

All female students wrote:
A woman: without her, man is nothing.

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

How do you know that Tickle Me Elmo is male?

Before he leaves the factory, they give him two test tickles.

A common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time...

one to cook, one to clean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from the city decides to move to the country and take up farming

He goes to his first livestock auction and wins a bid on a male and female chicken. The seller says "You just moved from the city, right? If you want to fit in around here, you can't call these 'chickens'. This one is a cock, and this one is a pullet. By the way, if you want, I can sell you an ass -...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

A naked police officer came to work

A naked police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come naked?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could h...

A lot of people think that the two male testes are the one entity.

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a male prostitute?

A sell sword.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

A woman with a rare heart condition walks into the doctor’s office

The doctor concludes that her heart is very weak and prescribes her a male pill that boost testosterone.

“This should strengthen your heart,” the doctor says. “Come by in a month or two to see me for a checkup.”

A month passes and the woman returns to the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are male genitalia called cocks?

because they are always up in the morning

If females are XX and males are XY, then what is YYY?

Delilah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pervert Bear and Genious rabbit

A bear hunts a rabbit in the forest. After several hours of running, they arrive in a clearing with a large rock in the center, and on top of this rock stands a golden frog. Surprised, they approach and the frog starts talking to them:
" For having found me, I grant you 3 wishes each."
The b...

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

A female cricket walks into a room full of male crickets

\*crickets\*

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

At the golf course

A man was waiting for an open tee at a golf course when a stranger walked up with a set of clubs and asked,

\- “I’m by myself today - wanna pair up?”

The first man was glad to have a partner, so he agreed, and off they went.

The stranger turned out to be a salesman for male en...

What do they call a male chicken in britain?

Rorchestershire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods

This is going on for weeks. Every day they run through the same clearing until one day they kick over a mound of dirt and uncover a genie’s lamp.

The genie pops out of his lamp and says “I’ve been listening to you two running through this forest for weeks now! I will grant both of you 3 wishe...

How can you tell Rudolph the reindeer was male?

He was only liked when he was useful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male pupil: The principal of our school is stupid.

Female pupil: Do you know who I am?


Male pupil: I don’t know.


Female pupil: The principal’s daughter.


Male pupil: Hey, do you know who I am?


Female pupil: I don’t know.


Male pupil: That’s good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?

The Price of wood is so damn high.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When all the males in the morgue freezer were found missing their penis, police immediately suspected Guy Fieri.

After all, who else would try to pull off frosted tips like that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a recording of a female to male sex reassignment surgery?

an unboxing video

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

A hundres sows n' bucks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a male prostitute's pay?

Hard earned money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to determine the sex of an ant…

Drop the ant in water. If it sinks it’s a female. If not, it’s buoyant.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

This is an important statement about erectile dysfunction and male virility.

What, you thought it would be a joke? The punchline isn't coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

what do you call 1/10th of a male cow?

A decibel

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

What do you call an all male identifying, church choir?

The He/Hymns



Ba dump

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a male streakers favorite movie?

Free Willy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young inexperienced man goes to work on a farm…

…first day the farmer is showing him around the farm and explains his duties and a special job to do today.
“Go out to the chicken coop and get me a male and a female “ says the farmer. The boy goes and brings back two chickens. “I got a chicken and the rooster” says the boy.
The farmer corr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shamelessly copied from another post just too old

Radio guy talkes to some guy:
- Sir, Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul Aziz.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a day.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hos...

What does Corporate America call a company with an all-white, all-male Board of Directors and an all-white, all-male Executive Team, except for one white lady who's the VP of HR and an Indian dude who's the CTO?

Diverse

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.