Once I was a male trapped in a female body..

Then I was born.

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

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A male whale and a female whale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Why can't two male doctors marry each other?

Because it would be a paradocs.

The youngest male member of a Desi Family is called 'Babu'. The oldest is called 'Babuji'.

It takes a lifetime for men to reach that ji spot.

Why do male dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys

What’s the common point between a man and a male praying mantis?

No head after marriage.

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I failed to get into the male pornstar industry

Apparently I have shortcomings

A man goes to a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist

The woman behind the counter replies that she is the pharmacist, that she and her sister own the drugstore, and that there are no males employed there. “But surely I can help you,” she says.

“This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection that causes me a lot of pain and severe ...

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So, if Fe = Iron and Male = Man

I’ve been having sex with IronMan all these years.

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The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information

Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space.

What do you call a male panda?

Amanda!

*^((I know it's not saying much, but this is OC!))*

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Doctor to post-op male patient: "We accidentally amputated your dick."

Patient: "WTF?!"

Doctor: "Ma'am, you need to calm down."

A comedian was arrested after causing a 35 year old male to laugh himself to death.

Police are charging him with man's-laughter.

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What to say if a male friend tells you he lost his virginity

Conjaculations.

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.

There is a difference between male and female genitals.

It is a vas deferens.

For sale: Beginner's level sketchbook of male nudes

**May contain traces of nuts*

I figured out why my male colleagues look so old.

We have a manager.

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Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

A male potato chip steps up to the bar and buys a drink.

He sees two female potato chips sitting nearby. He says to the one female potato chip, "Excuse me. Are you Herr's or Frito Lay?"

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What does a pilot and a male pornstar have in common?

They both work in a cockpit.

What can a female drift racer wear that male ones wouldn't probably wear?

A skrrt.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know abou...

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How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame?

Through their erections

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

How can you tell if an ant is male or female?

Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant

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I ordered a male enhancement off eBay.

They sent me a magnifying glass.

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What do you call a blind male porn star?

I'd have thought the answer would be obvious.




Stiffy Wonder.

A male giraffe walks into a bar

And says “Highballs on me.”

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

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As a male comedian, I treat women as sexual objects.

Is this thing on?

Testing... testing...

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I just started dating a male pornstar

On our first time together I asked him to go easy,

He said "don't worry I'll just give you a pro tip"

What do female sperm whales say to their male partners after coitus?

Your whale cum.

Why do male, Mexicans get better jobs out of college?

Because they can apply for señor positions.

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As a sex education teacher, I know that the semen in the average male ejaculation has about 20 calories.

But I tell my daughter that there are 350 calories in it.

What did the male cow say to the attractive female cow?

You’ve got a nice dairyaire

As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you're level 100 friendzoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

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Being a Male porn star is hard...

...there's a lot of stiff competition.

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A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her.

So he decides to propose to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?"
The nun angrily answers, "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his wait...

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

What happened to the male stripper who was also a guitarist?

He snapped his G String

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Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

What do you call a male pirate who identifies as a female pirate?

Transgendaarrrr!

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

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I thought I’d found my dream job as a male prostitute

But it turned out to be a pain in the ass.

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

Why Ironman and why not Fe-male?

Do not spoil the answer

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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Catholic school girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with t...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

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a Male Hen

It was Passover and the priest had lost his Rooster and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon on Good Friday he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up. "No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up. "No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?"
...

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

Why do male pigs make everyone fall asleep?

It's because their real boars to be with.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

There's been a recent surge in the number of male crossdressers in the Amish community.

Be careful. Women you might see during the day, may actually be mennonite.

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

what is a problem many male lizards have?

ereptile dysfunction

How do male pray mantises turn on their partners?

They give them a little head.

What is the male version of telekinesis?

Telekinephews.

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What did God say when he was trying to make the first male snake but accidentally made it female.

“Crap! I made a miss snake.”

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What do you call a male chicken in a gang?

A hard cock.

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I don't get why so many people talk down on male pornstars

These men are hard at work

"If you don't get us a dog you don't love me" Says my daughter.

"That sounds like blackmail" I said back.

My daughter runs to my wife and shouted "Dad said we would have a dog as long as it is a black male!"

What type of toothpaste do they use in male prisons?

Cavity protection

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

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What do you call a homeless male prostitute?

Street Meat

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

How many tickles does it take to make a male octopus laugh?

Eleven.

It's usually ten-tickles, but an extra one is counted for the test-tickle

Why don’t male swimmers race in the nude

Because some of them would swim in circles

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?

A drama dairy.




\[My brother answered "A male one", which might be funnier.\]

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Program for a mobile device. 3 letters

Wife: App

Husband: Common Jewish surname, 5 letters

Wife: Stein

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Male poss...

Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

[NSFW] Right now only female cows can give milk...

but milk from male cows is coming!

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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's ob...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

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What do you call a startup male pornstar?

Up and coming.

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Male gunowners are, in fact, compensating for their manhood.

You can't kill a deer or repel intruders with your dick.

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog, the owner asks him, "Would you like a male or a female dog?"

"Bitch please."

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

Two praying mantises are mating

The male says: “This feels so good, but I don’t want you to eat me after this.”
The other mantis replies: “Yeah don’t worry, only the females do that.”

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My friend says someone in our male friend group is gay

I hope it’s Lucas, he’s really cute

Alex Jones walks into a bar...

The bartender asks him what he would like and he says “just a water.” The bartender gets him his water and he smiles and walks down to other end of the bar where a male frog is sitting by himself. He sits down next to him with a wide grin, places the water on the bar and puts his hand on his shoulde...

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On a recent safari, I saw two male lions having sex with each other out in the open.

I thought, “Have they got no pride?”

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

Son: daddy can you tell me about the bird and the bees?

Dad: well bee stands for the male and the bird stands for the female.
When 2 people love each other very much, the bee stings the bird essentially giving his life and the bird gets a pain in the ass

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I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and

I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of "normalcy" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally lettin...

My friend is a doctor

Hope it is'nt a repost.

My friend is a gynaecologist.

So he had a patient who came for a pelvic examination.
Since he was a male doctor he didn't want it to be awkward so he tried
talking to the patient, he looked around and saw her sandals and on it, it
was written "made in...

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A Jew and a Czech while on a trip are attacked by two bears, one male and one female.

The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can c...

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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."...

What do you call a juice box’s daughter who’s transitioned to a male?

CapriSon.

Pickup line for male hamsters to females

Are you from Amsterdam? Cause hamster , damn !!

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