UPJOKE
manfemaleboymasculinevirilephallicmachomenfellowwomanhumanyoung-begettingmasculinityfellaboy wonder

TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country

It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?

Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?

A male bee dies after mating. That's his entire life.

Honey.

Nut.

Cheerio.

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

Why are genies always male?

Well, there are female genies, but the men who find their lamps never know how to rub it just right.

What do you call a psychic that only talks to male spirits?

Misogymystic

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

There's a male employee at the UN who dresses in drag at night.

He's a trans later

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My friend claims there's no word for excrement produced by male cattle.

I think that's bullshit.

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How do male sheep masturbate?

They bleat-off!

I know. The joke is baaaaad.

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What's the difference between 5 Male porn stars and a joke?

Your mother can't take a joke.

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I finally tried one of those male masturbation toys...

It sucked!!!

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I'm no longer a 27 year old male virgin!

I'm 28 today!

I don't understand sigma males

It just doesn't add up

Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?

Because they're stud-ants!

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took balls.

I too was a male trapped in a female's body

until the doctors pulled me out of the womb.

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

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I've only had sex with two male prostitutes and two female prostitutes.

I'm buysexual.

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Polly wants a working girl

So a woman walks into my church and she's like, 'Father, I got a problem. I got two parrots, but they're both female and all they know how to say is one thing.'

And I'm like, 'What do they say?'

And she gets all red in the face and she's like, 'They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you...

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My son asked me, "Dad, what's the difference between the male and female sexual organs?"

I replied, "Well, there's a vas deferens".

Why did the male doll fall apart after Barbie friendzoned him?

Because he became Bro Ken.

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A female dog called "bitch" what do you call a male dog

A son of a bitch

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

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Being a mechanic is like being a male prostitute.

You get paid for parts and labor.

What does a male otter call his wife?

My significant otter

How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

You pull down its genes

what is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?

he/hiss

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

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Life in a nursing home

An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.

On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without...

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What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

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Frequently while mating, female mantises will bite the males' heads off. So why do male mantises still have sex with them?

Have you ever tried masturbating with spiked clampers for hands?

What is the best male contraceptive ?

An empty wallet.

What’s the difference between a male crab and a female crab???

Mudflaps

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What do you call a male prostitute?

A $5 footlong.

What could be the reason for separating male and female chess championships?

In case they mate

Why are male cheerleaders anti patriarchy?

Because they are always holding women up.

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

Do you know how to tell the difference between a male tree and a female tree?

Look for it's wood pecker.

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab...

and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get...

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

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Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

Is Google male or female?

Female because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions.

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Male Porn star.

How can you tell a male porn star at a petrol station.?

He pulls the nozzle out just before the tank is full and sprays the last bit over the windscreen and bonnet.

My friend asked me what a Sigma male was, so I said..

Well to sum it up they’re not just your average guys, and to add to that, they’re kind of like a calculator, you can pretty much always count on them.

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

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How to determine sex of aquarium fish?

Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it's a male, if she eats it, then it's a female.

Do you know what a male concubine is called?

A concubone

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

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The average male ejaculates after approximately four minutes.

Call me a prude all you want, but I think that's far too young.

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs?

A massage-onist.


(OC)

What do you call a biologically male wombat?

An "at," since they lack wombs.

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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

So these male two car salesmen are good friends…

One day at work one of the car salesmen says “can you hand me that little booklet with the information about the car?” And the other responds with “Bro, sure.”

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

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A male spider meets a female spider...

He tells her: "Let's have dinner."

Offended, she replies: "At least fuck me first!"

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Male bees die after sex.

If they knew beforehand it would be a total buzzkill.

An owl gets thirsty

An owl gets thirsty during his evening flight. He spots a group of 13 male owls hanging out in a tree and approaches them.

"Hey, I'm thirsty", he hoots, "Know any good bars around here to get a drink?"

"No", they hoot back, "But we're thirsty too. We'll go searching for a place to drin...

What was Iron Man's rejected hero name?

Fe Male

A retired exorcist.

A while back I did some exorcist work with the Church and became pretty renowned for my efforts. I am known by all priest and demonkind. Only a few months into my early retirement, I got a rather strange phone call of someone asking for my assistance. His voice was deep and frantic.

Exorcist...

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I didn't have a lot of time left in my busy day for my appointment with the male prostitute.

So I just blew him off.

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

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"Aren't you gonna eat me now?" asked the male praying mantis after sex

"Nah, that's just the females."

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Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

A man hires a poacher to capture a male gorilla for a zoo.

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man. The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua. They search through the jungl...

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

What did the male magnet say, to the female magnet?

When I saw you from behind, I was repelled. Now that I see you from the front, I am attracted.

How do you know that Tickle Me Elmo is male?

Before he leaves the factory, they give him two test tickles.

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

Did you know that Mrs Doubtfire served time in prison for…

Male fraud.

I can never tell male and female geese apart.

I'm confused about my gander identity.

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

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I met my new neighbor today

I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.”

So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have ...

A common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time...

one to cook, one to clean.

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

A lot of people think that the two male testes are the one entity.

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

If females are XX and males are XY, then what is YYY?

Delilah.

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Why are male genitalia called cocks?

because they are always up in the morning

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

What do they call a male chicken in britain?

Rorchestershire

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

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Two frogs are about to have sex ...

The female frog says "I think we should use a condom." The male frog replies "No problem, there is a convenience store a couple of houses down the road. I'll go buy some. Any preferences?" She replies "Ribb it"!

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Rapid Transit.

A father and his 13 year old son were on a bus going home. A very attractive woman boards to which the loudly son said "Dad, dig the tits on that chick! His father, slightly embarrassed asked him "Boy, what did you say?" to which he repeated, "Dig the tits on that chick!" The father, embarrassed,...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

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Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?

The Price of wood is so damn high.....

A female cricket walks into a room full of male crickets

\*crickets\*

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

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How to tell the sex of an Orange.

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a Male.

If it's bitter for no fucking reason it's a Female.

As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you're level 100 friendzoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.

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What does Javascript and female masturbation have in common?

They are both object-based.

How can you tell Rudolph the reindeer was male?

He was only liked when he was useful.

My daughter is in her room with two of her male classmates for group studies.

I guess they are acing the Q and A as I can hear her shout "Yes ..yes" for quite a long time..

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Male pupil: The principal of our school is stupid.

Female pupil: Do you know who I am?


Male pupil: I don’t know.


Female pupil: The principal’s daughter.


Male pupil: Hey, do you know who I am?


Female pupil: I don’t know.


Male pupil: That’s good.

What do you call a male Oyster?

A Boyster.

What do you call an Alpha male Oyster?

Boysterous.

What do you call an Oyster who lives in a society?

The Joyster.

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

That's the perfect microcosm for men and women:

it takes a million sperm to find one egg because they're all males and not one of them is going to pull over and ask directions.

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