Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...

He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says

“Jesus Christ your back!”

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

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Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

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I personally don’t believe Jesus Christ died a virgin.

I mean he was **nailed** before he died.

What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ's face in his margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

A drunk man is in a bar and claims to be Jesus Christ

"Of course you're not Jesus Christ" answers the barman. The drunk man then says "I'll prove it to you". So the drunk man leaves the bar and comes across a priest. Again, he claims to be Jesus Christ. "No you are not Jesus Christ" answers the priest. "Follow me" answers in the drunk man. So both of t...

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

What do Swiss Cheese and Jesus Christ have in common?

They are both very **holey**

Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

What is the difference between Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jesus Christ?

One of them is the son of God and the other one died for your sins

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

What was Jesus Christ's favourite gun?

A nail gun

“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................

“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My ...

How does Jesus Christ make his coffee?

Hebrews it

If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

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Imagine Jesus Christ having sex...

... Holy fuck!

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Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in America?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

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Archeologists have reportedly uncovered the chamber pot of Jesus Christ

Holy shit, right?

Considering that Jesus Christ was able to make wine from water

and the fact that I can make water from wine,
does it make me Antichrist?

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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

I’m gonna name my kid Jesus Christ

.

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I wish I could be like Jesus Christ...

That son of a bitch retired in his early 30's!

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

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A Protestant archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself. The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ. He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides...

How was Jesus Christ so ripped?

You never see Jesus Christ rockin a dad bod. How was it that Jesus Christ kept so toned and shredded?

CrossFit

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

Why wouldn't Jesus Christ be a good basketball player?

Because he'd get crossed up

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

Why did Jesus Christ have to stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish?

He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents

When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made

It fit him to a t

Jesus Christ was once Arrested.

But he was released on Christian Bale.

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

Jesus Christ got bored one day and decided to play golf...

Jesus Christ got bored one day and decided to play golf. So, he called Apostle Paul and they got to a golf field.

After some time playing, it's Jesus' turn and he gets a difficult shot. He swings and the ball flies off into the sea. Jesus being Jesus, he walks up to the ball, picks it up and...

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and want...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

It is pretty weird that most of the Christians are against body piercings.

After all, Jesus Christ had four of them.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

I shape my political ideology around an old socialist Jew.

Jesus Christ

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A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits

So he went up to the school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him", she suggested. That afternoon after school she asked the
boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into....

Sunday School

A little boy and a little girl were at Sunday school one week. Throughout the lecture, the little boy kept poking the girl with his pencil.

About ten minutes of poking and lecturing later, the teacher asks "Who created the earth?"

Little girl, tired of being poked by the pencil, slams ...

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A guy had a very very very long penis

He had so many problems with it that he finally realised he needed medical attention.

So he goes to the doctor but the doctor says: "There is nothing we can do... although... there is this witch on the hill that might have a fix for you."

So he went to the witch on the hill.

Upo...

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A priest walks into a pub

A priest walks into a pub and orders a pint of Guinness. "There you go," says the barman." but I warn you we don't tolerate any religious conversation in this pub." "Far be it from me," replies the priest. "In fact, I bet you a drink that you mention religion before I do." "You're on," says the barm...

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door a...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

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An ad man is overwhelmed with work...

An ad man is overwhelmed with work so he contracts our his easiest account, for Acme Nails, to his brother in law, who is a professional animator, to produce the ad.

Two days before it's due he still hasn't heard anything so he calls his BIL.

"Hey man, you must be done by now, right? I...

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?".

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks over at the bottle and says,...

Jimmy and his dad go to the beach

Jimmy has been trying to find a girlfriend but the girls rejected him

Jimmy: Dad, the girl's here don't like me what should I do?

Dad: Put a potato in youre pants that works wonders!

Jimmy comes back sad with tears in his eyes

Jimmy: Dad, I did as you told me and now the...

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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

Jesus is playing golf with Moses as his caddy.

They get to a par 3, but there is a small pond between them and the hole. Jesus asks, “what should I use?” Moses responds, “Arnold Palmer can hit with a 9 iron, but you should use a 7.” Jesus days, “If Arnold can do it, I can do it.” He tees up and hits the ball into the water. He sends Moses t...

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Three guys die and go to Heaven...

St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut dow...

A man decides he's going to travel the world and preach the word of God...

In his travels he comes across a tribe. The chief can speak English and so they take him in, give him food, water and shelter and in the morning he asks that they gather to hear what he has to say.

"So", says the man "let me tell you the story of Jesus Christ." And he tells the story of Jesus...

I just found out Ireland still has a law against blasphemy.

Jesus Christ!

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his ...

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Little Susie goes to church every Sunday, but she has trouble staying awake during class...

Little Johnny sits behind her, and one day a nun comes up to Susie and asks her,

“What is the name of out lord and savior?”

Little Johnny pokes Susie in the back with a stick to wake her up, she jolts up and yells

“Jesus Christ!”

“Very good Susie.”

She falls back a...

Jack and Molly in school...

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next d...

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A couple is watching TV together...

...and the man keeps switching channels back and forth between golf and porn over and over again.

Finally, his partner says "Jesus Christ,can you stop doing that please? Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf."

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Little sozzie

One day little sozzie fell asleep in church and the preacher is asking questions and sees little sozzie sleeping.

He walks ove to here and asks “who died for our sins” and the little boy sitting behind her doesn’t want her to get in trouble so he pokes here with a pen Lillie sozzie jumps up a...

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A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.

They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks:

"Oh my god, what is with your toes?!"

The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger"

They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they'...

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Jesus and a parrot

There was once a man who had bought an incredibly intelligent European parrot.
He thought, hell, it's so intelligent he could give it some chores. He thought the most efficient way to make the parrot obedient is to threaten it; saying that if it disobeys him, he'll nail it right next to Jesus Ch...

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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Virgin Mary had just given birth to her child in a barn

The three wisemen are coming to visit and bring gifts. The first one walks into the barn and hands Mary a present. The second one does the same and Mary thanks them both. As the third one was trying to walk into the barn, he stubbed his toe on the doorframe and yelled "Jesus Christ!" to which Mary r...

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Told to me by a miner, so you know it's bad.

A reporter is doing an article about West Virginia, as he is compiling and editing he realizes that he has no human interest story. So he heads out to a local bar and sees an old timer sitting by himself. He explains the situation and asks him what he's like.

The old timer responds, "what do ...

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Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.

After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and sh...

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A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

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I was hangin' with a couple of buddies

We got really toasted & for some reason we got on the subject of porn. Weird porn. Incest porn, furry porn. Just some kinks. One of my buds pulls up a weird incest/furry porn that was really unwatchable for me. We scrolled through some thumbnails and I said "stop, go back, that one." He clicked ...

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Jesus was playing a round of golf with John the baptist

They were teeing up on the 9th hole and Jesus drives the ball right onto a patch of grass in the middle of a lake.


"Out of bounds, 2 shots!" John the baptist laughs



"I can play from there" Jesus said



"Not even Tiger Woods could get it from there" S...

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