Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

Jesus is watching you.

While a thief is robbing a house in the middle of the night, he hears a voice from above that says, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out he turns around shining his flashlight but sees nothing. So he figures that it must have been his imagination and convinces himself that everything is okay...

What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

"You crossed the wrong guy."

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands

I met Jesus's personal trainer the other day

He was making a pretty big prophet

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Why doesn't Jesus like Christian rock music?







Because it fucking sucks

Why did Jesus walk on water?

He couldn't swim.

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

Jesus said unto John. “Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.”

John came fifth, and won a toaster.

What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus ?

The portrait only requires one nail.

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

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Did Jesus die a virgin?

I heard he got nailed...

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What did Jesus drop in his toilet?

Holy shit!!!

How does Jesus make beer?

Hebrews it

Moses, Jesus and a guy went golfing

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf together. Moses hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Moses walks up to the water…lifts his arms, parting the lake…walks over to the ball and hits it onto the green. Jesus hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Jesus walks up to the w...

Jesus walks into a Hotel,

He throws three nails on the counter and asks the clerk, "Hey can you put me up for the night?"

How does Jesus cook his pizza?

On High

Drunk Jesus

A drunk man stumbles out of a bar and immediately runs into a pair of priests on the sidewalk. He says to them,

“Hey guys! I’m Jesus Christ!”

The priests shake their heads and calmly tell him,

“No son, you are not.”

The drunk is adamant that he is.

“I really am!...

What type of car would Jesus drive?

A Christler.

Floppy Disks are like Jesus

they died to become the symbol of saving

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

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Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

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What is Jesus‘s least favorite cocktail?

A rusty nail

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

Jesus, the flair-tagging system in this sub is weird.

See?

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

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Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

Jesus and his disciples walk into a bar

Bartender: so, what to you want?

Peter: just a glass of water please

Bartender: *slides him a glass of water* oh so you’re driving?

Peter: no, but watch this. Jesus!

Jesus: *turns water into wine right in front of Bartenders eyes*

Bartender: you’re the Son of God! ...

What did Jesus say to his followers at his last meal ?

Don't cross me please.

What did Jesus say when God ordered an ark to be built?

I Noah guy...

What's Jesus's least favorite gun?

A nail gun

Sorry Christians, please don't get that cross with me

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus.

He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”.
“There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He had lied twice so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s?” Asked the man.
Jesus answers “it is in m...

What does Jesus have in common with Brocolli?

Both are cruciferous and were forced on me by my parents.

If a man is 80% water ...

Does that mean if I walk on a man I’m 80% Jesus

Why is Jesus popular with the ladies?

Because he's so well hung.

When did Jesus become an Atheist

When he didn’t believe in himself as a teenager

While robbing a house a burglar hears Jesus is watching you

As he continues to rob the house he hears this again and continues to be confused. Eventually he runs into a cage with a sheet over it. When he removes the sheet he finds a parrot inside the cage and asks it its name. The parrots tells him his name is Ralph the burglar then ask the parrot who Jesus ...

Seeing Jesus alive three days after they crucified him...

The Romans we're awestruck at his power and decided never to cross him again.

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

What's Jesus' favorite spice?

Sin o' man

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

A huge crowd gathered as Jesus was nailed to the cross. As Jesus surveyed the crowd, he saw St. Perer at the back.

He started to call to him, “Peter, Peter”.

Peter tried to get the crowd. Pushing people as he went. “I’m coming Lord,” shouted Peter as he worked his wash through the crowd. Eventually he reached the foot of Jesus’ cross, and asked, “What is it, Lord?”

And Jesus said, “I can see you...

Did you know that I’m around 70% Jesus?

Since Jesus can walk on water and babies are roughly 70% water, and I can walk on babies I am part Jesus m

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God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"

Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."

And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross in...

I've met Jesus!

His English needs work, but his Spanish is flawless.

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

Three days after the death of Jesus

Mary, after visiting the tomb runs to the disciples and says "He's gone! Jesus's body has disappeared."

Simon: "Maybe he was given UpJesus"

Mary: "What's UpJesus?"

Jesus {Risen}: "Not much. What's up with you"

It'd be cool if Jesus was like a new code-name for Heroin...

Bunch of people addicted to taking the lord's name in vein...

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

Jesus and Moses are having a conversation in heaven...

Jesus "Moses, people are starting to lose faith and I don't know what to do about it"



Moses "Well, the last time you preformed some miracles in person, it really made people gain faith"



Jesus "Thats a good idea"



So Jesus and Moses go down to earth to a he...

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

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God tells Jesus that he's also the Jews' God.

Jesus: No way!

God: Yaweh

Why do so many people think Jesus is coming back?

He was nailed to a cross not a boomerang.

Why did Jesus go to the other side of the road?

To get a cross

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How do you know Jesus didn't care?

He was born without a single fuck.

Jesus says he loves me...

but I'm worried about the age gap.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

Why do you never see a fat Jesus?

He did Cross Fit

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

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Archeologists have reportedly uncovered the chamber pot of Jesus Christ

Holy shit, right?

What’s the difference between a Hooker and Jesus

The look on their face when you’re nailing them

If everyone is a child of God...

...then Jesus isn't all that special, really.


It's a joke. Please don't be offended.

Jesus, moses and a an old man go play a round of golf.

On the first tee Jesus tees of first. He slices the ball badly into the water. He then walks to edge of the pond and "parts the seas", he walks out into the dry pond and smacks his ball up onto the green.

Moses goes next, he too slices his ball into the water. He goes out and walks on water ...

"Peter," said Jesus, "you are my rock." Peter looked angry...

"I really wish you'd stop taking me for granite!"

If Jesus was alive today

he would be screwed.

What did Jesus do in Mississippi?

He turned Muddy Waters into wine.

What makes Jesus the best chef?

He breaks every yolk.

Jesus's Middle Name is Harold...

I've always wondered why people say Jesus H Christ, but I finally figured it out..



Our father

Who art' in heaven

Harold Be thy name

What rating did Jesus give the Romans for his crucifixion?

X/X... They nailed it!

What did Jesus do when he found his floors were dirty?

Jesus swept

I like Jesus,

but he loves me,


so things are a bit awkward...

Why doesn't Jesus like manicures?

He's not getting nailed again!

Anyone know how Jesus makes tea??

Hebrews it

Moses and Jesus were golfing and Jesus says "Hand me a nine iron,"

Moses replies, "You can't use a nine iron for that shot!". Jesus say "Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm going to use one,"
The next hole Jesus says "Moses give me the nine iron," Moses replies again "You can't use a nine iron for this shot,"
Jesus says,"Arnold Palmer uses a nine iron I'm goin...

Jesus turns water into wine, everyone admires him and talks about it for 2000 years..

I turn water into sprite at Chipotle, and everyone calls it stealing.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church...

It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

How do we know Jesus drove a Honda and was modest about it?

Jesus: "For I did not speak of my own accord"

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus speaks to his apostles during the last supper and says, "One of you will betray me."

John turns to Jesus with fear in his eyes and asks, "Will it be me? Will I betray you lord?" Jesus smiles kindly at John and says, "No my brother, you will not betray me".

Peter next approaches J...

Jesus Christ and a Hooker

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?


They make different sounds when they're being nailed.

Antivax mothers all over think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus.

And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.

Jesus got his body measurements for his crucifixion...

Call that CrossFit.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

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Why did the Jews kill Jesus ?

Because he was healing people for free.

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking could run on batteries

Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

If Jesus had his second coming, I doubt he’d let anyone crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

Did you hear the story about Jesus the archer?

On the third day he arrows again.

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Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

I found Jesus!

He was behind the couch the whole time.

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