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Jesus Jokes

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant

"Table for twenty-six, please."

"There's only thirteen of you."

"Yes, but we all like to sit on the same side."

A Buddhist monk sees Jesus’ face in a tub of margerine

And he exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

Only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Jesus walked on water...

And I can't even stand up on good bourbon.

Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Chrysler

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Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day Australia?

Because God wouldn’t be able to find find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf.

Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole.

Jesus tees up, and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee.

Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, g...

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

Why is Jesus terrible in bed?

Because it takes him 3 days to rise

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Did you know Jesus only had one orgasm his entire life?

We're still waiting for the second coming.

Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?

Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.

Jesus is getting ready for a hot date

His friend asks, "You think you'll get some?"

Jesus replies "You kidding, she'll screw anything not nailed down"

Why does Jesus Look so sad?

Because he high-fived with both hands and his disciples left him hanging.

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You know how we know Jesus was Jewish?

He lived with his parents until his was 30.
He worked for his father.
His mother treated him like a god.
And he still thinks his mother was a virgin.

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

How did Jesus stay in shape?

Crossfit

Why is Jesus not in a relationship?

Because he is still hung up on his X

If Jesus Christ came in the modern day, what would his favorite gun be?

Nail gun

I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.

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Jesus walks into the last supper

And sees all his apostles tucking into a huge Indian takeaway with all the sides and plenty of beers……

Jesus turns to Peter and says “where the fuck did all this come from?”

Peter says “Oh Judas paid for it, he’s just ran into a load of money”

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Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him, and he's the light of the world,

I do it, and it ruins Thanksgiving.

A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital...

He is asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?"
He replies, "God told me so!"
Immediately, the patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

Why did Jesus change St Peter’s name?

Because otherwise everyone would listen to what Simon says, and not what Jesus says.

Why did all the ladies love Jesus?

(spread your arms apart)

Because he was hung like T H I S

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

Jesus is walking past the pearly gates one day when St. Peter asks him to fill in for a while so he can take a break. Jesus is a bit concerned and protests that he doesn't know the admissions procedure. St. Peter tells him it's easy, just look up the name in The Book and pass judgement, and that Jes...

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

Moses and Jesus are sitting in a boat on a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I wonder if I’ve still got it.” He stands up and spreads his arms out wide. On command, the waters of the lake part, and the boat settles on the ground. He brings his arms back in, and the water comes rushing back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
<...

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

Jesus and Moses

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

They say Jesus wasn't angry about getting crucified

But I think he was pretty crossed

In these times of economic hardship and a looming recession, it's important to remember that Jesus Saves!

By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

What happened to Jesus when he went to mount Olive?

Popeye beat him up

Those presents the three wise men got baby Jesus...

...where they for Christmas or his birthday?

Jesus is watching you

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hand on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it's in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar not very religious bu...

What’s the difference between Jesus’ crucifixion and a cow?

You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.

Jesus on vacation

Jesus is vacationing in New York (they aren't kidding about nobody looking twice at you) when he sees the Buddah smiling from behind a hot dog stand. Jesus approaches, saying he'd be delighted if Buddah could make him one with everything.

Buddah nods knowingly and reaches into the cart where ...

How many Nails did it take for the Crucifixion of Jesus?

I dunno, probably a Handful?

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water. Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?" The Russian replies "No." With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine. "Well my son, do you believe now?" The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes into the bar and ...

I like making jokes about Jesus

I usually nail them

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I mumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I groaned, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Jesus encourages us to confess our sins.

Something my lawyer has specifically advised against.

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

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Why does Jesus have sex only two times a week??

It takes three days for him to rise again.

On a crucifix…why is Jesus always depicted with well defined abs?

CrossFit

Jesus heard that...

there was going to be a stoning at the edge of town, so he headed that way.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd goes silent.

Suddenly, a rock comes flying from the back of the crowd and BOOM, knocks out the offender.

Jesus waves his arm to part ...

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

Pope died and arrived in heaven

St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catho...

If Jesus came back and saw the state of the world then...

...boy would he be cross

I was angry at my friend and he sarcastically asked "what would Jesus do?"

So I flipped over the table and chased him from the building with a whip.

What did Jesus say to the Romans?

Hey, can you put me up for a few nights?

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Heard Jesus failed NNN…

People keep on saying that he’s coming.

Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

Aliens have arrived on earth. We arrange a huge extravagant event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we ever? Awesome guy! He wwings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "...

Jesus walks into a bar…

… and orders “Twelve glasses of water please.”

*** WINKS AT DISCIPLES ***

When nailed to the cross, Jesus did not cry out in agony.

He did, however, let out a little wine.

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

Why does John the Baptist have more money than Jesus?

Because Jesus saves while John invests!

Ok guys. No jokes about Jesus on Easter...

**He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.**

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens":

Not the best line to come from a carpenter

Jesus’s name was going to be Frank

Then Joseph stubbed his toe and the rest is history

As Jesus hangs from the cross…

he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something...

Jesus was the humblest man to ever live

and He made sure everyone knew it.

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

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Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

Have you found Jesus?

The other day my doorbell rang. I answered and a door to door missionary asked me, "Have you found Jesus?" I says, "No, I haven't." Then I closed the door. A few seconds later, Jesus came out of the bathroom and says, "Thanks, Man. I didn't want to talk to that dude."

I getting “Jesus Is Lord” on my new license plate.

JISLORD

At church in Russia they have Communionism.

Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

Why doesn’t Jesus have any aunts?

Because they’d be antichrists.

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

What can you say about the haters of Jesus?

I guess they nailed it in the end.

Jesus enters the Inn...

Hands the Inn Keep 3 nails and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

Jesus Christs walks into ..

A hotel, he hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks “Can you put me up for the night?”


Credit: Brandon Lee, The Crow

Why did Jesus walk on water?

Because he didn't know how to swim

Why was Jesus so pale?

Cos tan is a sin

What do Amber Heard and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed on the cross.

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

I should make a bread company called Jesus' Body

The bread is free so I can sit back and watch the profits rise.

What do Karlsson, Terminator and Jesus Christ have in common?

They all promise to come back.

It is common knowledge that Jesus' father was a carpenter.

But it is less known that his other father was an electrician. God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Why couldn’t Jesus get into medical school?

He kept getting hung up on the boards

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen hawking can run on batteries

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

Can you imagine Jesus doing a crossword puzzle?

And getting stuck on 2 across..

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Spiritual Magic Fail

Jesus and Moses are hanging out at a lake when Moses asks Jesus, "When was the last time you've used your powers, feels like it's been ages!"

Jesus replies, "It's definitely been awhile but let's test them out!"

Moses stands up, rubs his hands together and points them at the lake and s...

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text th...

Jesus opened a brewery. Do you know what he called it??

HeBrew

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Jesus died for you sins!

Dumb assholes ruining the story by giving away major plot points. I was gonna read that book.

My Deliveroo delivery guy was called Jesus and had an estimated delivery time of 40 days and 40 nights

Christ on a bike

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

A teacher asked her kindergartens...

Who the most important person in history is and whoever gets it right gets 5 dollars, one of the kids yells, "Abe Lincoln." The teacher smiles and shakes her head no, another kid yells, "George Washington." Again, the teacher shakes her head. The class becomes quiet as they all begin to think before...

What was Jesus' least favorite Elton John song?

"Take Me to the Pilate"

Jesus requested a pitcher of water so that he might turn it into wine

Peter said "Lord, why can't you buy a round like everyone else?"

Where?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
...

I was thrown out of Church for suggesting Jesus had a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

Why hasn't Jesus returned?

Would you want to hang out with a bunch of people who wear reminders of how you were brutally tortured and killed the last time you saw them?

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two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

Jesus Christ himself was a Ford man

....he walked everywhere.

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Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck...

They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," sa...

yo momma so fat..

Jesus couldn't lift her spirit

Hacker Jesus

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man how to phish and he’ll steal your bank password” - Hacker Jesus

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

Why didn’t Jesus walk on water after his resurrection?

It’s a hell of a lot harder to with holes in your feet...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion.

They would call it the crucifact.

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

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Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

It was good Friday so Jesus went to get his nails done...

The lady doing his nails asked "what color do you want? Or how about a clear coat?"

Jesus replied "thanks, but really I just want the rust removed"

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

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