One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

They say Jesus died for our sins.

Did he die for our cos and tans as well?

If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God

Then does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the photo.

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

Jesus and Moses are at the beach

Jesus and Moses are at the beach, enjoying their time down on earth they wanna see if they’ve still got it. So Moses walks up to the ocean, raises his hand and tries with all his might to part the sea. After a lot of effort Moses eventually manages to part the sea.

Then Jesus says “alright i...

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

Why couldn't Jesus complete the crossword?

Because he got stuck on 2 across

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Offering his flesh for bread and his blood for wine, Jesus Christ made...

the ultimate snackrifice

Why did Jesus never play hockey?

He was always more of a Lacrosse guy.

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"

All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarel...

What’s the difference between jesus and a painting of jesus?

Well,you can hang the painting with only one nail.
(The joke isn’t mine,but it just had to be shared)

Jesus enters the restaurant where the last supper is going to take place. Jesus: “table for 26, please” Waiter: “I count only 13 people”

Jesus: “Yeah, but we are all going to sit on the same side”

Did Jesus use cash or credit to pay for our sins?

No he used praypal

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

Floppy disk is like Jesus

They died to become the image of saving

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

They say Jesus saves.

I wonder if he uses auto, manual or quick saves.

Did you know that Jesus invented...

the crosswalk?

Do you think Jesus ever broke a nail?

If he did, I bet he was cross.

Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A: A Christler

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

Why did Jesus go to the salon?

To get his nails done

I made a Jesus joke today...

And I completely nailed it.

(Please don't crucify me this was just for a pun)

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Why wasn't Jesus born in France?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...

They’ve been going for a bit now and they’re at the final hole. It’s a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.

Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have a point.

Jesus walks into a bar.

Jesus: 12 waters please! *winks at disciples.

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What do Jesus and Viagra have in common?

Raising the dead.

What did Jesus do when Mary Magdalene tracked dirt through the house?

Jesus swept.

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Jesus didn't die a virgin

He was nailed three times before he died

What's Jesus's favorite sport?

Crossfit

How did Jesus stay in shape?

CrossFit.

Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.

Have they never heard of cross contamination!?

What is Jesus' favourite song?

Highway to the Manger Zone

Why is Jesus so buff?

He uses Crossfit

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

What did the doctor say to Jesus?

You need to get more iron in your body.

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

Is there life after death? Only Jesus could answer that question

but unfortunately he's dead.

What were Jesus's last words?

I can't believe you guys would cross me

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

How did Mary know that Jesus weighed 7 lbs 6 oz?

Because there was a weigh in the manger.

What position did Jesus play on his baseball team?

Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.

Jesus must have been a sketchy person...

People are always finding him in prison!

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

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A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...

I said "holy shit, you guys lost him again?"

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Jesus turns up at a stoning.

And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus: Hey Moses, when's the last time you parted the water. You still got it in you.

Moses: It's been a while. Let's see.

And standing in the boat he held out his hands and the water parted.

Moses: What about you? Can you ...

What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers?

Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."

Relieved i...

I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies

Yup, he’s my screen-savior

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went throu...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

Jesus says he loves me

But I worry about the age difference

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!

Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.

With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"

"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

How does Jesus make wine?

Hebrews it.

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Some people say that Jesus didn’t die a virgin.

He didn’t. He got nailed right before his death.

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

Jesus is about to turn 2,020.

Doesn’t look a day over 33.

A drunk man

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
...

God grants a wish to Jesus..

When Jesus reaches adulthood, God appears and ask him; Son, to help you in your journey I am here to grant you 1 wish, what shall it be?

Jesus extends both his arms and exclaims:

I want to be hung like this.

Why should you never joke about Jesus’ execution?

Some people might get cross.

Mary, after Jesus walks in and leaves the door open

"Were you born in a barn?"

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...

He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

Jesus loves you.

A wonderful thing to hear in a church

A horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

What did Jesus say to his disciples while having the last supper?

Get on this side of the table if you want your picture taken.

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes,another one opens"

Not the best words the customer wanted to hear from a carpenter..

Why Jesus is the worst in bed?

He came once, took him 3 days to raise again, and we're still waiting for the results.

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says

“Jesus Christ your back!”

Hey Jesus. How did you get abs and look so lean with muscular definition?

Jesus: Well basically a strict diet and CROSS FIT.

If Jesus comes back and is crucified again

Does that mean he's been double crossed

A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

Why does Jesus hate M&M’s?

They fall through his hands.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

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Jesus Returns

A booming voice descends from the heavens. Jesus has returned. “I have come to take you unto heaven.” People on earth are besides themselves with joy. “Thank you Lord,” they scream, “we are ready.” “Jews only!” He says. “But Lord, what about the millions of Christians?” And Jesus says, “what’s a...

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If you have sex with Jesus

Is it a holy fuck?

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

My mom told me that Jesus died when his Royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross.

So...was that cruise a fiction?

Jesus’ greatest miracle...

...was having 12 friends after the age of 30.

Jesus maybe walked on water

But Chuck Norris swims on the ground.

Did you hear about the priest who died trying to beat Jesus’s fasting record of 40 days?

I guess if you can’t beat em, join em.

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

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A fourth generation prostitute goes home to her great grandmother's house for a family dinner

A fourth generation prostitute goes home to her great grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Jesus! Men these days complain about paying £50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mum, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty...

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

Jesus walked into a motel 6

And said “Sorry innkeeper I don’t have any money, but I have 3 nails. Can you put me up for the night?”

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

What did the Roman physicist say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross, just a few feet off the ground?

I don't see much potential

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door a...

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

Jesus and the adulteress

He stands in front of the crowd who already have their hands raised with the stones, holds out his hands and proclaims " Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her. "

The hands sink, and the congregation starts to hang their head in shame as suddenly a stone ...

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

A drunk man is in a bar and claims to be Jesus Christ

"Of course you're not Jesus Christ" answers the barman. The drunk man then says "I'll prove it to you". So the drunk man leaves the bar and comes across a priest. Again, he claims to be Jesus Christ. "No you are not Jesus Christ" answers the priest. "Follow me" answers in the drunk man. So both of t...

I realized I can only call him Jesus Hrist.

Because I can't C him.

Jesus didn't qualify for grad school.

He really got nailed on his boards.

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.


The people there told him:


"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. ...

Jesus was filling in a form. The question was "Do you suffer from Tourettes?"

He wasn't sure whether to put a tic or a cross.

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Moses and Jesus are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees.

Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours dow...

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Why do autobody painters worship Jesus?

Because they think he's a good car painter!

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