If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

I was touched by Jesus

in a Mexican prison

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

Jesus Crust

A priest and a Zen master are making toast.

The priest says "look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

The Zen master replies "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?

He used his frankincense.

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Not many people know this but Jesus was gay

He let two guys nail him at the top of a hill

What do Jesus and the 3.5" floppy share in common?

They both died to become the icon of saving.

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship. But my priest insists he died on the cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

How does Jesus make his tea?

Hebrews it...

How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

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My friend is sexualily atracted to jesus









he said he wanted to nail him

I’d tell you a Jesus joke,

But I doubt I’d nail it.

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Did Jesus die a virgin?

Cuz I herd he got nailed

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

I believe Jesus worked as a beer brewer.

The bible says Hebrews.

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

What did Jesus say to the Rednecks?

“Don’t do anything until I get back. “

My mom said every time I have too much going on in my head, talk to Jesus...

Unfortunately, he doesn’t speak English .

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Jesus and James

So it's Resurrection Sunday and Jesus appear before the apostle James

"Brother, it is I. I have returned."

"Holy crap Jesus! You really said you were gonna do it and you did."

"Yup. Never doubt your older brother."

"Man you look great for a dead guy." James told up Jesus'...

Why isn't Jesus good at playing hockey?

He's always getting nailed to the boards.

Jesus had a twin that was abducted shortly after birth

In other words, there was doppelganger stranger danger in the manger.

I don’t see what’s the big deal about Jesus anyway. God sent him to earth to suffer and die. Well guess what

He did the same to us.

Before swine met Jesus, what was it?

Swater

Jesus is granted one final request before departure.

As Jesus prepares to be sent down to Earth, God says to him, "since you're going to be doing me a huge favor going down to there as a mortal, I'll grant you one request while you're down there."

Jesus mulls over the offer for a moment while examining his human body. When his eyes stroll over ...

What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

"You crossed the wrong guy."

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

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Why doesn't Jesus like Christian rock music?







Because it fucking sucks

Jesus' greatest miracle that no one talks about..

Having 12 best friends in his 30's.

What type of car would Jesus drive?

A Christler.

Jesus walks into a restaurant

Waiter: -Would you like a drink?

Jesus : -Water is fine.

Jesus: \*looks directly into camera\*

Jesus and Moses decide to go fishing

Both sitting in a little boat, in the middle of the most beautiful lake in heaven, they start reminiscing about their days on earth. “Back on earth, I once stood on the shore, raised my arms and the sea opened up so I could walk across”
“You think you can still do that?” Asked Jesus.
Moses tho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands

Jesus is watching you.

While a thief is robbing a house in the middle of the night, he hears a voice from above that says, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out he turns around shining his flashlight but sees nothing. So he figures that it must have been his imagination and convinces himself that everything is okay...

And Jesus said unto them, "Come forth and you shall receive everlasting life."

We all know how John came fith and won a toaster, but Joseph didn't even come and he got a baby!

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Jesus doesn't masturbate.

He nails his hands.

What's Jesus's favorite alcohol?

While most would say wine, he would be fine with anything as long as he could get hammered.

I met Jesus's personal trainer the other day

He was making a pretty big prophet

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is...

My blind girlfriend and I were having a debate about whether Jesus was a Jew...

....but i just can’t respect her views, since she is a not-see

Jesus walks into a Hotel,

He throws three nails on the counter and asks the clerk, "Hey can you put me up for the night?"

Why did Jesus walk on water?

He couldn't swim.

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

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What did Jesus drop in his toilet?

Holy shit!!!

A waiter is working and sees Jesus come in

Waiter: “Hello sir, welcome to our restaurant! What can I get for you?”

Jesus: “Hello Matthew. Today I would like a steak please.”

Waiter: “How did you... oh right, you’re Jesus! Duh. Anyways, how would you like that?”

Jesus: “Well done, good and faithful servant”

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

Jesus and his disciples at last dinner.

"Waiter!", Jesus called, "Can I get a receipt please?"

After some time, waiter finally comes to Jesus and puts a receipt in his palm.

Jesus is looking at receipt for 10 seconds straight with confusion and shock all over his face.

He turns to disciples and shouts "Didn't I tell y...

Jesus: I can turn water into wine. Professor X: That's a neat party trick and all but it surely can't be useful in batt-

Guards: *Fall down dead*.
Jesus: *blows on his index finger as if it were a gun barrel* People are made of 90% water

Why is Jesus so ripped?

Because he does CrossFit

What did Jesus feel before he was nailed to the cross?

Pins and Needles

What sort of Spanish sporting event would Jesus hang out at?

La Crosse

Why does Jesus wear Crocs?

Because they're holy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

I just realize why Jesus is so well remembered...

He was the only white dude in the middle east!

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus.

He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”.
“There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He had lied twice so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s?” Asked the man.
Jesus answers “it is in m...

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

How does Jesus cook his pizza?

On High

Moses, Jesus and a guy went golfing

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf together. Moses hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Moses walks up to the water…lifts his arms, parting the lake…walks over to the ball and hits it onto the green. Jesus hits the ball and SPLASH…it lands in the water. Jesus walks up to the w...

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Someone sees a statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Whats his reaction?

HOLY SMOKES!

The athiest lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.





(Reposted because the first time I put "Jessus" and that just makes it seem like an atheist lost his confidence because someone said he looked like a mexican and that just doesn't make sense)

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

What's Jesus' favorite spice?

Sin o' man

What's Jesus's least favorite gun?

A nail gun

Sorry Christians, please don't get that cross with me

When did Jesus become an Atheist

When he didn’t believe in himself as a teenager

Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

Jesus, the flair-tagging system in this sub is weird.

See?

Seeing Jesus alive three days after they crucified him...

The Romans we're awestruck at his power and decided never to cross him again.

What does Jesus have in common with Brocolli?

Both are cruciferous and were forced on me by my parents.

Hey Jesus,stop turning the water into wine.

I'm trying to take a shower

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Jesus‘s least favorite cocktail?

A rusty nail

Jesus and his disciples walk into a bar

Bartender: so, what to you want?

Peter: just a glass of water please

Bartender: *slides him a glass of water* oh so you’re driving?

Peter: no, but watch this. Jesus!

Jesus: *turns water into wine right in front of Bartenders eyes*

Bartender: you’re the Son of God! ...

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

I've met Jesus!

His English needs work, but his Spanish is flawless.

Why is Jesus popular with the ladies?

Because he's so well hung.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"

Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."

And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross in...

If a man is 80% water ...

Does that mean if I walk on a man I’m 80% Jesus

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

Did you know that I’m around 70% Jesus?

Since Jesus can walk on water and babies are roughly 70% water, and I can walk on babies I am part Jesus m

What did Jesus say to his followers at his last meal ?

Don't cross me please.

Three days after the death of Jesus

Mary, after visiting the tomb runs to the disciples and says "He's gone! Jesus's body has disappeared."

Simon: "Maybe he was given UpJesus"

Mary: "What's UpJesus?"

Jesus {Risen}: "Not much. What's up with you"

While robbing a house a burglar hears Jesus is watching you

As he continues to rob the house he hears this again and continues to be confused. Eventually he runs into a cage with a sheet over it. When he removes the sheet he finds a parrot inside the cage and asks it its name. The parrots tells him his name is Ralph the burglar then ask the parrot who Jesus ...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Jesus and Moses are having a conversation in heaven...

Jesus "Moses, people are starting to lose faith and I don't know what to do about it"



Moses "Well, the last time you preformed some miracles in person, it really made people gain faith"



Jesus "Thats a good idea"



So Jesus and Moses go down to earth to a he...

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

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How do you know Jesus didn't care?

He was born without a single fuck.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

Why do so many people think Jesus is coming back?

He was nailed to a cross not a boomerang.

What’s the difference between a Hooker and Jesus

The look on their face when you’re nailing them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God tells Jesus that he's also the Jews' God.

Jesus: No way!

God: Yaweh

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Why did Jesus go to the other side of the road?

To get a cross

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

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