Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus

He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

It takes 1 nail to hang a picture

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

Never call your heroin Jesus.

You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vein.

How does Jesus make his beer?

Hebrews.

What do you call Jesus when he becomes a meth Addict

The methiah

What kind of pills did Jesus take before Ascension?

Uppers

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper...

Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood."

Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

Jesus walks into a bar

“Just twelve waters please!”
*Winks at disciples*

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God and Jesus go golfing

God and Jesus go out to play a round of golf. Their first hole is a par 3 and Jesus tees off first. He hits a great shot and the ball lands just a few feet shy of the hole. God goes next and hits a shot that goes 15 feet. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out and grabs the ball and starts running away...

Can anyone tell me if Jesus saw his shadow this morning?

I need to know if we'll get another 6 weeks of quarantine

Jesus and Saint Peter come down to earth to see how things are going.

After traveling all day through the universe they arrive after dark near an old farmhouse.

Not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the barn.

Jesus says to Peter, ”I am going to sleep upstairs in the hayloft and you stay down here. And when you are comfortable, si...

Wanna get a Jesus bod? Ever wonder how the Lord got so ripped?

CrossFit

I was really hoping Jesus would reveal God's plan for 2020 on Reddit

But all he'd do is crosspost

*Jesus doing a crossword puzzle*

He’s stuck on 2 across.

Why do so many hungry Asians follow Jesus?

Because of his sackofrice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

A burglar is breaking into a house when a voice quietly says: "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar gives a groan and looks around himself.

He sees a parrot in a cage, to whom the thief asks, "And what's your name?

"Moses", answers the parrot.

The burglar gives a smile at that. "What jackass calls his parrot Moses?" he asks.

To which the parrot replies: "The...

"What time are we getting together for the last supper, Jesus?"

"Oh, hey, Judas. Come over about thr...wait, *last* supper?"

"Yeah, no, like, supper. When's supper?"

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

Why is Jesus holy?

Because of the nails.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and a parrot

There was once a man who had bought an incredibly intelligent European parrot.
He thought, hell, it's so intelligent he could give it some chores. He thought the most efficient way to make the parrot obedient is to threaten it; saying that if it disobeys him, he'll nail it right next to Jesus Ch...

Jesus and Moses......

Were up in Heaven fishing in a lake and drinking a couple of beers. About an hour in, Jesus looks at Moses and asks him, “Hey Mo, you think you still got it?” Moses asks, “separating the water??? Man it’s been a looooong time but I’ll give it a shot.” Moses proceeds to stand up in the boat and in a ...

Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask ...

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

Jesus was renowned for his patience

He only got a little cross.

Why did Jesus speak to women first when he was resurrected?

Because he wanted the news to spread as quickly as possible.

Why can’t Jesus eat m&ms?

Because he has holes in his hands.

Jesus is the answer.

The question is "Who's cooking my Chinese food?"

Should have seen it coming Jesus!

Judas: still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: yeah, the last supper

Jesus: the what?

Judas: supper, normal supper with the fellas

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf

They reach a pond of water.

Moses smacks the ball over the water, and raises his staff. Suddenly, the waters part and his ball rolls to the green.

Then, Jesus hits the ball toward the water. He closes his eyes in prayer and the ball rolls on the surface of the water all the way to th...

Hey, Jesus!

Angel: Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!

Jesus: Tell them I'm not here

I asked my wife what Jesus's full name was and she said she didn't remember...

till I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

How do you call the best man at Jesus's wedding?

>!A Jehova Witness!<

If Jesus drove a car, what kind would it be?

A CHRYSLER! He also had a Honda, but never told anybody for he does not speak of his own Accord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Easter Sunday; Jesus comes back to Earth...

*Coughs through a hole in his hand*

Jesus: “Holy shit...My bad....”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus was playing a round of golf with John the baptist

They were teeing up on the 9th hole and Jesus drives the ball right onto a patch of grass in the middle of a lake.


"Out of bounds, 2 shots!" John the baptist laughs



"I can play from there" Jesus said



"Not even Tiger Woods could get it from there" S...

Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.

Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."

Jesus: "Why?"

Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"

Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"

Why does jesus hate playing hockey

Cause he always gets nailed to the boards.

Jesus saves!

Moses invests!

But only Buddha guarantees returns.

Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

Christians are always wearing a cross and hoping for Jesus to return.

Well, is the first thing you would want to see if you were Jesus is a cross?

I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself, what Jesus would do?

So, I turned it in to wine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Jerusalem, Jesus was forced to carry the cross...

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgotha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgotha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

Turns out Jesus is not that popular in Twitter

Only 12 followers

Little known fact: Jesus was most probably a student.

* He still lived with his parents
* Long, uncut hair
* And if he did something for once, it was a miracle.

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus?

Bevause he holy ghosted her.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

Jesus, waving around a baguette at The Last Supper

"You wanna piece of me!?"

What are college students around the world saying that was exactly what Jesus said 1987 years ago?

What a lousy way to spend Easter Vacation.

The three wise men were visiting the little baby Jesus

As Melichior leans over to get a closer look at the infant he bumps his head on the roof of the manger and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Mary looks up and says, "What a nice name, I was going to call him Irving".

Why did Jesus move to China after his resurrection?

Because it was easter.

Jesus needs to get back on the cross

And take one for the team

Why did Jesus moan?

Because he was nailed.

What is Jesus' favorite food?

Cheeses

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please."
Headwaiter: "But there’s only… 13 of you?"
Jesus: “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

What kind of a gun would Jesus carry?

A water gun.

Judas- Hey Jesus, see you at the last supper!

Jesus- What?

Judas- Supper. See you at supper.

Boss keeps complaining that I drank the last of the water from the cooler. Now I feel like Jesus

Just turned water into whine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my two Jesus clones having sex with each other today.

"Jesus fucking christ" , I exclaimed.

What did Jesus say when he learned that Judas sold him?

That double crosser...

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

... then Jesus said "whoever have never sinned before, throw the first rock"

- Nobody? Ok, I'll go first

I learned Jesus loves you...

Means something completely different in Mexican prisons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Jesus like Christian music?

Because it fucking sucks.

Jesus was the first hipster.

He walked on water before it was cool.

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews hate the beer Jesus made?

Because it’s proof that Hebrewed it

“Jesus loves you” is a beautiful thing to hear at church.

But a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?

It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People say that Jesus died a virgin

I don't get it, didn't he get nailed in the end?

Jesus must be horrible at hide and seek

People keep on finding him

Jesus is on the cross and he yells “PETER” Peter try’s to get to Jesus but he gets beat baldy and the guards push him back.

The next day Jesus yells “PETER”
Peter try’s to get there and he almost does but once again he gets beat baldy and gets pushed back by the guards.

Then the next day Jesus yells “PETER” and he fights his way through the guards again and he gets through to Jesus.

He says “yes Jesus” a...

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.”

St. Thomas looked very confused and asked St. Peter: “What does the teacher mean?”

St.Peter replied: “Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas.”

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

What would Jesus say if he was a drug addict?

"I need my crucifix"

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "What would Jesus do" ?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I found a wallet...

I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill.

I asked myself, what would have Jesus done?

So I turned it into wine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus is sitting in a neighborhood bar having a quiet drink....

An Irishman with a bad leg limps in and says to the bartender, “Is the Our Savior?”

Bartender says “yup”

Irishman says, “Give me a Whisky and set the Saviors up as well”

An Italian man walks in, hunched over from a bad back. He says to tge bartender, “Is that Our Lord Jesus?”...

What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus?

A cross-dresser

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I personally don’t believe Jesus Christ died a virgin.

I mean he was **nailed** before he died.

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A CHRIST-ler. Ehh???? Ok. I'll show myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

If Jesus made cheese what would he be called?

Cheesus

As told to me by a very proud junior hamster who probably won't understand the hit my karma will take for sharing their joke.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

What's Jesus's favourite hobby?

Cross fit

The DOJ Recently Awarded a $500k Grant to "Hookers for Jesus" (OC)

As Jesus stated during The Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:16, "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good twerks and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

Jesus and the disciples went into a bar...

Jesus said, “Just order water.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.