UPJOKE
christchristianitymessiahjohn the baptistold testamentchristmaspassoverjerusalemjesus christapostlesaviorpontius pilateprophetmuhammadheaven

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a house one night. As he sneaks around the living room looking for things to steal, he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you." The burglar stops for a second, then tells himself it was only his imagination. He starts putting items in his bag, then he hears the voice again. "Jes...

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I mumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I groaned, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

What do Amber Heard and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed on the cross.

Ok guys. No jokes about Jesus on Easter...

**He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.**

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?" The parrot replied, "Yes."

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What's your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered,...

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A christler

Jesus opened a brewery. Do you know what he called it??

HeBrew

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Why wasnt jesus born in newcastle?

They couldnt find any wise men or a virgin

I said to my little boy ‘What’s the difference between Mummy and Jesus?’

He stared at me blankly.

‘Jesus loves you.’

I’m joking. I don’t have kids.

(An original… plagiarise at your peril)

Why was Jesus so pale?

Cos tan is a sin

Jesus requested a pitcher of water so that he might turn it into wine

Peter said "Lord, why can't you buy a round like everyone else?"

I was thrown out of Church for suggesting Jesus had a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

Can you imagine Jesus doing a crossword puzzle?

And getting stuck on 2 across..

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion.

They would call it the crucifact.

jesus came to me in a dream

he told me that he's not coming back, and that he's very angry at humanity

i don't know what happened in the past but we must've done something to make him cross

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

How is Jesus like the best shampoos?

He’s 3 in 1

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Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

Why do girls love Jesus?

Because he’s hung like this! *holds arms out*
<—————————>

It was good Friday so Jesus went to get his nails done...

The lady doing his nails asked "what color do you want? Or how about a clear coat?"

Jesus replied "thanks, but really I just want the rust removed"

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach recalling old times. Jesus said, "Moses, do you remember the time you spoke to the burning bush?" Moses replied, "Of course! That was when God spoke to me and it turned my life around. That's where I learned my life's mission to free God's people from Pha...

Jesus Christ himself was a Ford man

....he walked everywhere.

During the Pontius Pilate number in Jesus Christ Superstar, I thought the orchestra hit a wrong note, but they were actually changing key and it was Pilate who didn’t keep up.

So I thought it was caused faulty instrumentation but it was really due to Pilate error.

if jesus comes back in this day and age

people would tell him "go back to your country"

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Did you know Jesus didn't die a virgin?

In fact, he got nailed three times

Jesus was a carpenter.

But not a very good one, guy couldn't pull a nail to save his life.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", then he pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna have to stop you right there."

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

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A German, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be thr next coming of Jesus

erman, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be Jesus, and decide to settle who is speaking the truth by proving their claim.

First the German tries to prove it by walking across the mighty German river, the Rhine. However he falls in and gets completely soaked, and admits he must not be the...

Jesus and Satan on computer

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,...

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

Hearing that Jesus loves you is nice...

Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

Why didn’t Jesus walk on water after his resurrection?

It’s a hell of a lot harder to with holes in your feet...

Did you know that Jesus was actually crucified for starting fires everywhere?

He died for arsons.

Jesus died for your sins and rose 3 days later...

So really all our sins are just worth a weekend of his time

So, Jesus and the Apostles walk into a Bar...

Jesus motions to the bartender, says "13 waters, please," and winks at the apostles.

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Why does Jesus hate M&M’s?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.




Happy Easter, everyone.

As proven by the scriptures, Jesus was a top.

1. He had twelve guys hanging off his every word and deed
2. The only time he got nailed he needed three days to recover.

Jesus walks into a hotel

He throws 3 nails onto the counter and asks

Can you put me up for the night?

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.
An old man at the bar turns to them and surprised, he asks: “Why is it that three men that are so different from each other travelling together?”
The Hippie says “I want to learn the ways of the amish to be freed from materialism.”
The...

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

Do you know what "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" means?

Harold. Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.

Hacker Jesus

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man how to phish and he’ll steal your bank password” - Hacker Jesus

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

Cashier: Scans Condoms “Do you need a bag sir?"

Me: "Jesus. She’s not THAT ugly."

Jesus Saves!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her cha...

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

If Jesus Christ was a dinosaur..

He'd be Tyrannosaurus Resurrex

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

What did Jesus say when they took the nails out of his hands?

THE FEET!!! THE FEET!!!

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

One day in heaven, Jesus sees a familiar-looking old man sitting by a lake.

"Moses, is that you?"

"Jesus, you rascal, how have you been?"

"Oh, good, no complaints. Say, you know that thing you did with the Red Sea?"

"You mean parting it?"

"Yeah, that. I missed watching you do that the first time, and well, we're here by this big lake, so I was wo...

If I ever get a horse, I'm naming him Jesus.

Then I can say to people "I lead him to water, but couldn't make Him walk on it".

Jesus Is Coming

He wants his religion back.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

I used to know this girl that went to a church where they ate Smuckers instead of the bread and wine of Jesus.

She was an evanjellycal Christian.

Jesus, Matthew and Luke…

…are looking out to the Sea of Galilee and
Luke says to Jesus “what’s that in the distance, my master?” Jesus replies “it’s an oil rig my child”.

Matthew says “Can we go and see it?”

“Of course Matthew” and they all dive in the sea. After a mile or so, Matthew and Luke are really...

What do you call a high resolution video taken during Jesus' resurrection?

ADHD

Historians found hard proof that Jesus could walk over water

They call it ice

Why didn't Jesus get crucified a second time when he came back to life?

Nobody double-crosses Jesus.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

What's the differnce between Jesus and a vampire?

Where you stick the wooden stake.

Joseph and Mary tried to throw out one of Jesus' diapers

But there was no room in the bin

The Donner Party had to eat so many people because they didn't have Jesus

If Jesus had been with the Donner Party the first person to die would have filled the entire party with twelve baskets of leftovers!

Jesus and the Devil have challenged each other to a typing battle on MS Word

It's a close battle and they're down to the last word, when boom! Power outage!

When the power outage is resolved, all of the Devil's progress was lost, but Jesus only had one word to type!

Moral of the story: Jesus saves, and so should you.

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but just didn’t talk about it?

John 12:49: *“For I did not speak of my own accord.”*

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

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3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

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Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?

He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

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Why is Jesus like Viagra?

They both raise the dead.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

So in essence, Jesus is >!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

How do we know Jesus was Jewish?

He was visited by 3 Weisman.

Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him.

Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?

Just another Jesus joke.

Why did Jesus Christ cross the road?

He wanted to get across.

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

Imagine if jesus had been born a Siamese twin...

...it would have been the perfect double cross!

Why did Jesus go to the salon?

To get his nails done.

Jesus and Moses were playing some Golf

As they approached one particular hole, a short Par 3, with a pond where the hole was located right at the edge of the pond.

You know, Moses, this hole is designed just like hole 15 at Pinehurst. I once watched Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to get a hole in one here!

As he pulled out his...

Christians say "Jesus"

Ancient Greek women say "Hey Zeus"

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What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

The lesser-known fourth Wise Man brought baby Jesus the gift of protein powder.

It was a whey in a manger.

What do Jesus and Michael Jackson have in common?

They were both born brown - but remembered white

Aliens finally visit Earth.

They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
...

Jesus is back...

Two homeless friends meet in a small british town on a Sunday morning after a long time.

*We must celebrate, let's have a drink, what do you have on you?*

*I only have a few Euros, and you?*

*Me too, hardly enough to have a nice drinking day.*

After a moment of silence, t...

If you post lame jokes you really need Jesus

Only Jesus can heal the lame

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."


Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."


Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."


Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
...

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