Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."

Relieved i...

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies

Yup, he’s my screen-savior

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

My mom told me that Jesus died when his Royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross.

So...was that cruise a fiction?

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door a...

Jesus turned water into wine

Now I drink it to make a 6 look like a 9

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus

The man sees a wall of clock and asks Jesus, “What are all those clocks for?”

Jesus replied, “These clocks are for representing how much lies a person has told.”

The man points at a broken clock, Jesus said, “That is Mother Theresa’s clock, it has not moved therefore she has never lied...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moses and Jesus are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees.

Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours dow...

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

Say what you want about the crucification of Jesus...

...but they absolutely nailed it.

Why did Jesus get an infection in the hole in his hand?

Cross contamination

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

Hearing that Jesus loves you is a very comforting thing

Unless you’re in a Mexican prison

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.

So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.

Then Assembly. Tie again.

Web Design. Tie again.

Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Th...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

Why do girls like Jesus?

Cuz he was hung like this (pose with my arms out)

What is Jesus's favourite gun?

A nail gun.

Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common

They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

What do you call it when Jesus throws his Pasta at the door?

Gnocchi on Heaven's Door

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus On The Cross

This is a joke I heard some time ago. I'm paraphrasing real bad (from another language as well), but I'll try:

Jesus is on his cross, with his people grieving below him. Suddenly, he says:

"Mother, are you standing down there?"

To which she replies: "Yes, of course, my child."<...

At His second coming to Earth, Jesus asks the people: "Do you know who I am?"

They responded: "You are the eschatological manifestation of the deepness of our being. You are the enigma that gives sense to all our interpersonal relationships. You are the cosmological fabric that keeps our minds and our world together."
Jesus goes "Wha..?"

What did the Roman's do, when they heard that Jesus came back from the dead?

REPOST

Jesus is watching

A robber breaks into a mansion and hears someone say “Jesus is watching”
He turns around and and sees a bird in a cage.
The robber asks “did you say that?”
The bird replies “yes”
The robber says “for a bird you speak pretty good English”
The bird tells him “I’ve spoken quite a lot”<...

What do Jesus and Jeffery Epstein have in common?

Neither hung themself.

Jesus Christ walks into a bar

“Just thirteen waters please!”

***Winks at disciples***

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

Jesus: what?

**Drunk vampire:** you know "what"

What is Jesus’s least favorite type of gun?

A nail gun.





Ohhh... that’s in bad taste.

Did you know that Jesus had a Honda, but never talked about it?

“For I did not speak of my own accord”
-John 12:49a

Jesus said 'he who lives by the sword does by the sword'

And in all fairness he had a point. After all he was a carpenter who died by being hammered to a piece of wood.

A man walks up to Jesus. “I hear you healing the blind. What’s the catch?”

Jesus turns away, cackling. “You’ll see! YOU’LL ALL SEE!”

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

Jesus is playing golf with Moses as his caddy.

They get to a par 3, but there is a small pond between them and the hole. Jesus asks, “what should I use?” Moses responds, “Arnold Palmer can hit with a 9 iron, but you should use a 7.” Jesus days, “If Arnold can do it, I can do it.” He tees up and hits the ball into the water. He sends Moses t...

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus occasionally used the bathroom

You could say holy shit

Have you found Jesus?

Because I lent him a 100 bucks a couple of weeks ago and he's been avoiding me since then.

Jesus

Churches should use a picture of Jesus rather than a statue cause it would require only one nail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What,a miracle?!"

I whispered, "No, sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Where did Jesus create drugs?

Methlehem

I heard Jesus was clumsy

He always found a way to break bread.

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

But I think it'd be nice if God let everyone see him, regardless if you have a coronary blockage.

My mexican friend, Jesus, recently got addicted to methamphetamine

We now call him the Methiah.

I'm suicidal but recently found Jesus and started praying every night.

Yet, I keep waking up with my prayers unanswered.

What’s the difference between redditors and Jesus

Jesus has gotten nailed more then all of us

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

Only after Jesus was nailed to a cross

He became truly holey.

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a ...

I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus

He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me

When Jesus was resurrected, an angel escorted him to Heaven in a flying car

As the car ascended to the skies, it suddenly stalled and fell.

One of the disciples looked up and said, "Guess he shouldn't have driven emmanuel."

My local priest keeps scolding me for all my sinning, Jesus died for all our sins, all that stuff.

I am just trying to be helpful. If no one sins, he died for nothing.

Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper...

Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood."

Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

Jesus walks into a hotel

He sets a handful of nails on the counter and says he'd like to be put up for the night.

Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water...

But no one ever mentions that Steven Hawking ran on batteries.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say of-course he was Jewish

* 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
* Working in his father's business
* His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

*by Robin Williams*

Happy Birthday Robin!

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his ...

Jesus was walking through town one day

When he crossed paths with a Roman soldier. Feeling outgoing, Jesus put his hand up for a hi-five while passing by.

The Roman soldier had ill feelings towards Jesus' teachings and following. He couldn't stand the idea of supporting such a character so he simply grunted and ignored Jesus.
<...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Never call your heroin Jesus.

You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's great that Jesus loves you

Because the rest of us think you are an asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus turns on the light.

A doctor asks his patient how he's been. The man says, "Great and the Lord is with me. Every time I use the bathroom at night He turns on the light and turns it off when I'm done." The Doctor asks the man's wife if she thinks the man is delusional. She asks why. The doctor says, "He thinks the Lord ...

Do you think Jesus was upset about being crucified?

I heard he was pretty cross about the whole thing.

Jesus is crucified on Golgotha, a hill overlooking Jerusalem

On the first day, Jesus calls out to his friend and disciple Peter. "Peter, please, come to me," Jesus shouts.

However, Jesus is being guarded by soldiers who have been told not to let anyone speak to Jesus.

This doesn't deter Peter, who hears the cries of his Messiah and tries to bypa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God and Jesus go golfing

God and Jesus go out to play a round of golf. Their first hole is a par 3 and Jesus tees off first. He hits a great shot and the ball lands just a few feet shy of the hole. God goes next and hits a shot that goes 15 feet. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out and grabs the ball and starts running away...

Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration

I'm stuck on 2 across!

Can anyone tell me if Jesus saw his shadow this morning?

I need to know if we'll get another 6 weeks of quarantine

I finally found Jesus

Turns out he was hiding under a bridge this entire time.

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

Jesus and his friends turned up at a restaurant

Waitress: The reservation is for 26 people but there's only 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're just going to sit on one side of the table.

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

What did Jesus do after a one night stand?

He made another night stand.

When Jesus said those who are without sin throw the first stone... everyone was quiet...

... and then a stone flew over his head! He looked back and exclaimed “Come on Mum!!”

I've invented a new opiod, which I've called Jesus.

All the churches near me are telling kids not to take the Lord's name in vein.

What kind of pills did Jesus take before Ascension?

Uppers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

"What time are we getting together for the last supper, Jesus?"

"Oh, hey, Judas. Come over about thr...wait, *last* supper?"

"Yeah, no, like, supper. When's supper?"

Should have seen it coming Jesus!

Judas: still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: yeah, the last supper

Jesus: the what?

Judas: supper, normal supper with the fellas

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

Jesus said to John, come forth and receive eternal life!

But John came fifth and won a toaster :/

Wanna get a Jesus bod? Ever wonder how the Lord got so ripped?

CrossFit

Jesus waves at a Samaritan, and the Samaritan waves back. What happened when he waves at a Roman?

He left him hanging.

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

Why is Jesus holy?

Because of the nails.

I thought Jesus' death was a bad thing

But it turned out to be a big plus

I was really hoping Jesus would reveal God's plan for 2020 on Reddit

But all he'd do is crosspost

Jesus and Saint Peter come down to earth to see how things are going.

After traveling all day through the universe they arrive after dark near an old farmhouse.

Not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the barn.

Jesus says to Peter, ”I am going to sleep upstairs in the hayloft and you stay down here. And when you are comfortable, si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

Why can’t Jesus eat m&ms?

Because he has holes in his hands.

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask ...

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

Why do so many hungry Asians follow Jesus?

Because of his sackofrice.

Jesus and Moses......

Were up in Heaven fishing in a lake and drinking a couple of beers. About an hour in, Jesus looks at Moses and asks him, “Hey Mo, you think you still got it?” Moses asks, “separating the water??? Man it’s been a looooong time but I’ll give it a shot.” Moses proceeds to stand up in the boat and in a ...

Guys, I think I know why Jesus got crucified

Someone crossed him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and a parrot

There was once a man who had bought an incredibly intelligent European parrot.
He thought, hell, it's so intelligent he could give it some chores. He thought the most efficient way to make the parrot obedient is to threaten it; saying that if it disobeys him, he'll nail it right next to Jesus Ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh, April!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and ...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Easter Sunday; Jesus comes back to Earth...

*Coughs through a hole in his hand*

Jesus: “Holy shit...My bad....”

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf

They reach a pond of water.

Moses smacks the ball over the water, and raises his staff. Suddenly, the waters part and his ball rolls to the green.

Then, Jesus hits the ball toward the water. He closes his eyes in prayer and the ball rolls on the surface of the water all the way to th...

Jesus was renowned for his patience

He only got a little cross.

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