Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

Jesus walks into a bar

“Just twelve waters please!”
*Winks at disciples*

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

Should have seen it coming Jesus!

Judas: still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: yeah, the last supper

Jesus: the what?

Judas: supper, normal supper with the fellas

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Little known fact: Jesus was most probably a student.

* He still lived with his parents
* Long, uncut hair
* And if he did something for once, it was a miracle.

Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

I learned Jesus loves you...

Means something completely different in Mexican prisons.

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it.

“For I do not speak of my own accord.”

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Why doesn't Jesus like Christian music?

Because it fucking sucks.

How did Jesus stay so ripped?

Pontius Pilates and CrossFit

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.”

St. Thomas looked very confused and asked St. Peter: “What does the teacher mean?”

St.Peter replied: “Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas.”

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Why do Jews hate the beer Jesus made?

Because it’s proof that Hebrewed it

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging

My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"



So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

What would Jesus say if he was a drug addict?

"I need my crucifix"

Jesus Christ walks into a bar

He orders a round of water for everyone. The bartender wasn't too happy about that...

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

Jesus must be horrible at hide and seek

People keep on finding him

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I personally don’t believe Jesus Christ died a virgin.

I mean he was **nailed** before he died.

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

Jesus walks into a roadside motel

He puts a couple of nails on the counter and asks

"Can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus is on the cross and he yells “PETER” Peter try’s to get to Jesus but he gets beat baldy and the guards push him back.

The next day Jesus yells “PETER”
Peter try’s to get there and he almost does but once again he gets beat baldy and gets pushed back by the guards.

Then the next day Jesus yells “PETER” and he fights his way through the guards again and he gets through to Jesus.

He says “yes Jesus” a...

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

If Jesus made cheese what would he be called?

Cheesus

As told to me by a very proud junior hamster who probably won't understand the hit my karma will take for sharing their joke.

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Jesus is sitting in a neighborhood bar having a quiet drink....

An Irishman with a bad leg limps in and says to the bartender, “Is the Our Savior?”

Bartender says “yup”

Irishman says, “Give me a Whisky and set the Saviors up as well”

An Italian man walks in, hunched over from a bad back. He says to tge bartender, “Is that Our Lord Jesus?”...

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A CHRIST-ler. Ehh???? Ok. I'll show myself out.

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I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

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Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

“Jesus loves you” is a beautiful thing to hear at church.

But a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

What’s Jesus’ favorite TV show?

Breaking Bread.

What do you call someone who cosplays as Jesus?

A cross-dresser

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "What would Jesus do" ?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

The DOJ Recently Awarded a $500k Grant to "Hookers for Jesus" (OC)

As Jesus stated during The Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:16, "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good twerks and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

What's Jesus's favourite hobby?

Cross fit

Someone said Kobe is gonna cross Jesus in heaven but..

not the first time Jesus been crossed.

I remember the time I was touched by Jesus on a Sunday.

It was the best summer trip to Mexico ever.

Jesus and the disciples went into a bar...

Jesus said, “Just order water.”

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

What did Jesus say to the disciples when he resurrected?

Please stop staring and pass me the fish sandwich, it's been 3 days and I'm starving.

What did the girl say after she met Jesus on a blind date?

Hmmm...you look much whiter on your profile picture.

God told Jesus he had to die for ours sins and you’d be surprised at his reaction.

He became cross.

I was touched by Jesus

in a Mexican prison

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How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

Why did Jesus never have to close a door?

Because he was born in a barn

Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

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Why was Jesus not born in Russia?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ's face in his margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

If Jesus had lived at the beginning of the 20th century

All the little Catholic children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks!

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

"Stop telling Jesus jokes!" Said my girlfriend

"Why? Does it make you cross?"

when mary was pregnant with jesus, her water didn't break...

her wine did.

Sean Connery’s kids thought Jesus didn’t have a beard.

Because he always told them that Jesus saves.

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

Hey, do you think Jesus could have chewed or gnawed his way off the cross?

Boy, I don't know... that's a real nail-biter...

If Jesus ever told dad jokes,

I bet they were parable puns.

What was Jesus' workout regimen?

CrossFit

Why does Jesus always look sad?

Because he has birthday and Christmas on the same day.

Jesus loves all the children of the world

But then again, so do priests

What do Swiss Cheese and Jesus Christ have in common?

They are both very **holey**

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

Jesus was a bore

And look how hole-y he turned out

Jesus meets the disciples at the table...

...and he sees a massive spread of Chinese takeaway dishes laid out in front of them.

"Where did all this food come from?" Jesus asks.

Matthew replies "This was ordered by Judas, apparently he came into a load of money recently."

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

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What did the toilet say after Jesus Christ was done using it?

Holy crap!

Why was Jesus always in good shape?

Because he was cross-fit.

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Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world;

I do the same and I'm “making Thanksgiving awkward.”

In the courtroom, Jesus found a man that could not walk, Jesus asked...

“Have you been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault?”

Many Christians believe that the person who crucified Jesus made a very bad move.

I don't know, 'cos I think he nailed it.

Missionary: Hello tribals, meet Jesus

Tribals: You first

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

Moses, Jesus and a bearded old man are playing golf.

Moses hits a long one, but it rolls to a river. Moses raises his golf club, the waters part, and the ball rolls into the hole.

Jesus also hits a long one towards the same river, but just as it is about to fall into the water it stops and hovers above it. Jesus walks to the river, and chips it...

Which is jesus' lest favorite sport

Lacrosse

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

Jesus was on the cross when he called to one of his disciples.

Disciple rushes through the crowd to the cross and says what is it Lord?

Jesus replies.

I can see my house from up here.

Do you know why they nailed Jesus on the cross?

So he wouldn't fall!

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In Jesus's time, some heard and didn't believe that He was the son of God. They said no way. His rebuttal.....

Yahweh

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What’s the difference between Jesus and a prostitute?

The prostitute doesn’t hang around for 3 hours after getting nailed.

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

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Jesus addresses the angry mob who is stoning a prostitute:

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off Mother.”

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

Little Billy came home from school to see

the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son...

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

Jesus Crust

A priest and a Zen master are making toast.

The priest says "look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

The Zen master replies "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

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Not many people know this but Jesus was gay

He let two guys nail him at the top of a hill

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