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Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

You get your house back, your wife back, your dog back and your truck back.

What do you call a Rick Astley song that makes it to the front page?

A rick r/all

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

My mom told me last night that she had a dream where I only spoke using 90's song lyrics.

All I could say is "How bizarre, how bizarre"

What is the Mandalorian's favorite song?

The Way.

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

My friends are constantly asking me to stop signing Oasis songs.

I said maybe.

Being in quarantine I’ve gotten bored and wrote a song on cats.

The third verse ran away, I guess next time I’ll use paper.

I've made a DataBase of some of the worst Carpool Karaoke songs ever.

It's called CarDB!

Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Remember the song “Blue” by Eiffel 65?

You do now.

Enjoy having that in your head for the rest of the day.

I literally just wrote a song about the Coronavirus, but I will never let anyone hear it.

It’s too catchy. It’ll be with you for weeks.

Did you know John Lennon wrote a song for kids who avoid green vegetables?

Give Peas a Chance!

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme...

I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am.

What's the difference between a Rolling Stones song and a Scottish farmer?

One goes "Hey you! Get off my cloud"

And the other "Hey Mc'Cloud! Get off my ewe"

Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs

I was really surprised when I found out that a kid made them

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo....

What is Gregor Clegane's favorite song?

She'll be comin' 'round the Mountain.

Why did the songwriter eat Turkish food before recording a song?

They had heard that posthumous songs do well in the charts.

I recently made a song about tortillas.

It's a wrap.

I write songs about sewing machines...

I'm a singer song writer

My wife's favorite song is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it's on the radio...

I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

My doctor told me to sing a song while washing my hands

I sang American Pie and now my hands are bleeding.

Did you hear Oasis's new song about the attraction and repulsion of atoms?

"And after all, you're my Van der Waals"

A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song

A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a t...

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

I really like that French song about the pink airplane.

L’avion Rose

I played a song to a tree in Russia

Now it's Dmitree

All these singers dropping their new albums and songs.....

don't you think they oughta be a little careful the next time?

Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs.

It's a pun croc band.

There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your

heeeeeeeeead,


in your heeeeeead,


in your head, in your head,


in your hea, hea, head

Someday we will have to explain the song 'baby it's cold outside' to our kids as it becomes more and more controversial.

We will have to explain to them how it used to get cold outside.

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I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation.

Don't believe me? Just watch!

What is the official song of patriarchy?

It's Reigning Men.

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

What’s Princess Leia’s favourite song?

Ridin’ Solo

I wrote a song about a tortilla....

It’s actually more of a wrap

The Knack came out with a new song!

It’s called “My Corona”, it’s pretty sick!

For the last couple of weeks i've been unable to stop singing songs by Tony Bennet, Nat king Cole, Perry Como and Bing crosby. After a while it all got too much so I went to see my doctor.

Apparently i have crooner virus!

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Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

Did you know Rihanna wrote a song about her grandma having Alzheimer's?

It goes: "oh Nana, what's my name?"

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

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The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

I discovered a trick if you’re struggling to decide what song to sing while washing your hands.

Just count to 20 it’s not that hard

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

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[NSFW] What is the best song to listen to while masturbating

Beat it-Michael Jackson

Still my funniest joke

A man is hosting a radio program and he wants to call a random person to ask for their favourite song in order to play it on the radio. So the random guy says " well I just want to say that I found a person's wallet on the street" and the host tells him " well do you want to share the owner's name s...

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What song do prostitutes sing while getting high?

High Hoe!! High Hoe!! It’s off to work I go.

What’s a horse’s favourite Beatles song?



Hay Chewed.

Donald Trump's favorite song is 'Dust in the Wind.'

He said he loves anything by the band Missouri.

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

What's the favorite song of horses?

Hey Joe.

My abusive father got drunk to the same song every night. I tried to shut it off before he could get started...

But he beat me to it.

If Elvis only wrote sad songs

He would be known as Elvis Depressly

My ex-girlfriend's name is Eileen.

whenever I hear the song "come on Eileen" I can't help but think "I already did"

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If I had a band

If I ever started a band I'd vote to name it something like "dicks in the ass" so when it was brought up in conversation, it would go something like this:

Person 1: Dude! I heard this awesome song yesterday!

Person 2: Oh yeah? Who wrote it?!

Person 1: Dicks in the ass

P...

So singing some rap songs with my black friends in the car and they are picking on me because as a white guy I am not allowed to say the n word when it pops up in the songs.

But jokes on them, I can say a lot of other words that they can’t.
Like “thank you officer have a nice day.”
And also “happy birthday uncle dad”

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

Why did sublime suck at playing their most famous song?

Because they didn’t practice Santeria

A Morning Radio Show in the USSR

"Good morining fellow comrades and welcome to Radio Yerevan's daily Morning show! "

"Today we are waking up with Comrade Stalin and you may not see it but the whole nation is waking up with him!"

"Right now Comrade Stalin is doing his morning excersise and the whole nation is doing mo...

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What's the best song to play during break-up sex?

Ex gon' give it to you.

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite Christmas song?

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

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A Bar needs a new pianist.

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window.
“Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.
...

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A man, mouse and a frog in a bar

One fine evening a man, wearing a large overcoat walks in to one of the city's most expensive bars. He heads straight to the bar counter, leans over and tells the bartender,

Man: "I don't have any money but is there a chance you can give me a free beer?"

Bartender: "Huh? No way, don't...

How does Pink Panther main theme song sounds like in Turkish?

Durum durum... durum... durum durum durum durum duruuuuum.... dududurum.

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An unemployed piano player walks into a bar

He speaks to the owner who says, you're in luck, we're looking for a piano player right now! How about you play a couple of songs for me.

Happy to! I write all my own stuff!

The piano player sits down and plays the first tune.

Owner: that was fantastic! What do you call that one...

I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions...

...It's called Cancel Culture Club.

What's a centipedes favorite ZZ Top song?

Shes got legs

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?

The Final Countdown

What do you call an angry singer flipping someone off?

A song bird.

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite song?

*Crimea River*

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long...

It has lasted for one Tool song.

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Taylor Swift has 500 songs about blokes leaving her

and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I'm going with this?

I was trying to decide what my favourite U2 song was

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

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What is Hitler's favourite Eurobeat song?

Gas, gas, gas

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

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