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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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Taylor Swift has 500 songs about blokes leaving her

and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I'm going with this?

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

Maybe the song "It's Raining Men" wouldn't have been as popular had they used the original demo title:

"Corpse Storm."

I’m going on a hike and picking music. I have songs from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song...

But when I went to look it was just the chives talking.

LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

What's Chris Brown's favorite part of any song?

The beat

If an anti-vax kid had a theme song, What would it be?

Down with the Sickness

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

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My dick is like a Bob Dylan song

You may not like it but your mother loves it

What is Spiderman's favorite song?

Dust in the Wind. He can really relate.

What's the favorite song of all australian dinosaurs?

TNT, cuz they're dino mate

Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town....

..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

What's chris browns favourite song?

Hit me baby one more time.

What song does a necrophile hate?

Stayin' Alive.

My wife told me to stop singing Smashmouth songs.

I said hey now...

I've heard that "Never gonna give you up" is a great song.

But everytime I'm asking for a link I'm just getting rickrolled...

A girl is singing her favorite songs

Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"

,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

There's nothing worse than a cranberries song stuck in your head

In your heeeaaadd, in your head in your head in your head

Just heard the new song “Stayin’ Dead”

By the Ouijas

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

In Avicii's song 'The Days', he sings: "We made a promise to never get old"

At least he was a man of his word.

What is a trans person's favorite Brittany Spears song?

"I'm not a boy, not yet a woman"

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

My wife said, That old song by Bill Withers is really good. I said,

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know.

My wife said that she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing this one song. At first I didn’t believe her...

But when I saw her face...

I listened to a song about the common cold...

It's very catchy.

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with a ewe..

I've never been a fan of the song 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles.

The ending is just too salty.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop singing Linkin Park songs.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

What is an anti vaxx kid's favourite song?

They don't have one. They died.

My son asked me what it was like to be married

I deleted all the music off his iPhone except one song.

Ed : What should be the name of our song, Justin?

Justin : I don't care

Ed : Perfect

Justin : What do you mean?

What is anti-vax parent's favourite song lyrics?

Swish, swish, bish

Another one in the casket

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There was a band conductor who also right songs in North Korea

Sorry for the typo in the title but..

His name was Pok. He was quite famous in the industry so one day, Kim Jong Un approached him.

“Pok, write me an orchestra piece and play it for me with your group”, said Kim. Pok did, after a month, the private show was held.

Sadly, it was s...

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

What’s a priests favourite song?

Magic flute in a minor

The song 'Hallelujah' has become so popular

They're now referencing it in churches.

What is a crack head's favorite song?

I wanna rock!

When the Pink Panther stepped on an ant, what song did they play?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant......

An Imagine Dragons song is like syphilis.

Catchy, but not really good.

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

Yesterday, I called a local radio station to request "I'm Free" by The Rolling Stones. However, they played a song of the same title by The Who.

You can't always get what you want.

Queen released a hip hop version of their song.

It's called Bohemian Rap City

Have you heard the song ISIS by Joyner Lucas ft Logic

The song has been really blowing up recently

The urge to start singing the popular song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away

A-whim-away

A-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way....

What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house?

Ice, Ice, Baby.

My friends are saying that I’m addicted to the song Ocean Man.

They’re trying to Ween me off of it.

I have written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it's more like a rap.

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

Last Request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole t...

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My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song...

Her friend Eileen wasnt to happy about it.

I love songs about STDs

Their just so catchy.

Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.

It's a pun-croc band.

What's Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine.

Crimea-River

What's your favorite Eminem song?

I can't tell you what it really is. I can only tell you what it feels like.

Finally Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber team up for a song and even the title is perfect...

“I don’t care”

If I download a song illegally from Jamaica, does that make me...

A pirate of the Caribbean?

Britney Spears made a song about Reddit.

It’s called “Toxic”.

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

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