This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

My abusive father got drunk to the same song every night. I tried to shut it off before he could get started...

But he beat me to it.

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

An elephant walks into a piano bar just as the pianist is playing a particularly sad song.

He sits down by the pianist
and weeps.

The pianist says "I'm sorry, has
this song upset you?"

The elephants answers, "No, but I
recognise that ivory, you prick".

[OC] I was already on stage when I realized Take On Me was a bad karaoke song for me to sing...

It was a real Aha moment.

What is George W. Bush’s favorite song?

Twisted Sister - “I Want Iraq”

My friends said to stop singing Oasis songs in public...

I said MAYBEEEEEEE

What song is the anthem of Anti-Vaxxers?

Down With The Sickness

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually it's more of a wrap.

There’s nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck...

In your heeeeeead, in your heeeeeead, in your head, in your head, in your hea, hea, hea, head....

What is r/AskOuija's favorite Beatles song?

H E L L O Goodbye

What do you get when you play a Country song backwards?

Your wife back, your dog back, your truck back...

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Taylor Swift has 500 songs about blokes leaving her

and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I'm going with this?

Which song does the sperm donor play in repeat?

Dire Straits - Money for Nutting

Maybe the song "It's Raining Men" wouldn't have been as popular had they used the original demo title:

"Corpse Storm."

What song would like to listen to?

- Mozart in A Minor

- you're gonna have to be more specific

- Mozart in *D* minor

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

If an anti-vax kid had a theme song, What would it be?

Down with the Sickness

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My sexual stamina is a lot like that old blink-182 song...

Life is too short to last long

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

I’m going on a hike and picking music. I have songs from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

LPT: Forgot the name of a song but know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

What's Chris Brown's favorite part of any song?

The beat

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and sees that the line is so long it's coming out the front door. He gets in line anyway and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he...

What’s a racist’s favourite Disney song?

“Put That Thing Back Where It Came From, Or So Help Me”

What song does a necrophile hate?

Stayin' Alive.

What's the favorite song of all australian dinosaurs?

TNT, cuz they're dino mate

What is Spiderman's favorite song?

Dust in the Wind. He can really relate.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town....

..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....

What's chris browns favourite song?

Hit me baby one more time.

I've heard that "Never gonna give you up" is a great song.

But everytime I'm asking for a link I'm just getting rickrolled...

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

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My dick is like a Bob Dylan song

You may not like it but your mother loves it

What is a trans person's favorite Brittany Spears song?

"I'm not a boy, not yet a woman"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

What song do blind people hate the most?

See you again

Whats Jared from Subway and Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite song?

Pretty Young Thing (P.Y.T.) - Michael Jackson

Just heard the new song “Stayin’ Dead”

By the Ouijas

A girl is singing her favorite songs

Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"

,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with a ewe..

My wife said, That old song by Bill Withers is really good. I said,

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

My wife said that she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing this one song. At first I didn’t believe her...

But when I saw her face...

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

In Avicii's song 'The Days', he sings: "We made a promise to never get old"

At least he was a man of his word.

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat?

They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I switched songs from 'Lazaretto' to 'Barracuda'

Heart on, Jack off

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

I listened to a song about the common cold...

It's very catchy.

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop singing Linkin Park songs.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

What did Ringo say before the Beatles broke up

Hey guy's can we try some of my songs?

A maths professor was struggling to teach his student the first 10 numbers of pi.

So he started singing a song which was meant to teach people about the numbers of pi. The students were intrigued by this mesmerizing little poem, and by the end they had learned the first 10 digits of pi.

Next, the teacher asked each one to write down the first 10 digits onto a sheet of pape...

Thank you Alexa

Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt

Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE

Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”

*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's favorite song?

"In the air tonight" by Phil Collins.

I've never been a fan of the song 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles.

The ending is just too salty.

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Rolling Stones songs.

I told her - you can't always get what you want.

Ed : What should be the name of our song, Justin?

Justin : I don't care

Ed : Perfect

Justin : What do you mean?

What’s a priests favourite song?

Magic flute in a minor

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two jokes that you will thank me for telling you

**The first joke can only be told by someone with a penis**

Call up a friend and say "Hey man/woman, i got a joke and it's a two parter. The first part of the joke is, what has a small dick and hangs down?" Regardless of their answer, it's a bat. Then say, "What has a big dick and hangs up?" ...

What song do fortune tellers hate?

Que Será, Será

What is anti-vax parent's favourite song lyrics?

Swish, swish, bish

Another one in the casket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a band conductor who also right songs in North Korea

Sorry for the typo in the title but..

His name was Pok. He was quite famous in the industry so one day, Kim Jong Un approached him.

“Pok, write me an orchestra piece and play it for me with your group”, said Kim. Pok did, after a month, the private show was held.

Sadly, it was s...

The urge to start singing the popular song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away

A-whim-away

A-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way, a-wim-a-way....

What is a crack head's favorite song?

I wanna rock!

Queen released a hip hop version of their song.

It's called Bohemian Rap City

Yesterday, I called a local radio station to request "I'm Free" by The Rolling Stones. However, they played a song of the same title by The Who.

You can't always get what you want.

What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house?

Ice, Ice, Baby.

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

Have you heard the song ISIS by Joyner Lucas ft Logic

The song has been really blowing up recently

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

An Imagine Dragons song is like syphilis.

Catchy, but not really good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song...

Her friend Eileen wasnt to happy about it.

I have written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it's more like a rap.

My friends are saying that I’m addicted to the song Ocean Man.

They’re trying to Ween me off of it.

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

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