Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

For a lion to become a cannibal

He must first swallow his pride

Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, we always use protection and it didn’t break. How is this possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he want. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then ...

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion is throwing a jungle sex party and everyone's invited

Before the party starts the lion goes in front of everyone and says
"there is only one rule in this party. No condoms! You can fuck with everyone but you can't use any condoms no matter what."

So the party starts and as predicted everyone is having a great time.
The lion walks around t...

Did you know that my grampa has the heart of a lion

And a life time ban from the zoo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.

Oh my!

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age

and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

An antelope and a lion are star crossed lovers

One day, the antelope decides they should take it to the next level

Antelope: let's run away and get married, Lion!

Lion: I cantaloupe

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

I've got the heart of a lion, the muscles of 100 men

and a long prison sentence ahead of me

My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe

I said its Narnia buisness

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

Why was the cannibalistic lion so humble?

He was always swallowing his pride.

Would a lion leave its wife?

No, but a tiger wood.

If a group of lions is called a pride, what do you call a group of "Karens"?

A complaint.

A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo.

They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.

What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?

I'm Gladiator.

How to do you outrun a lion?

Simba! You Mufasa.

The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan

can see a group of Lions come together and win

Scientist begin testing cancer treamtnents in lions.

It’s going well, until one day a scientist checks in with the feline that had been receiving chemotherapy, and realized that it’s missing. She freaks out, but one of her colleagues says “Don’t panic just yet,” and throws a rib eye into the lion’s cage. Instantly, the lion seems to materialize from n...

I came across a lion in the jungle

I quickly cleaned him up and then ran off

Lion king comes to the theaters and

Simba was moving slow so I told him to mufasa

A Lion walks into a bar...

The bartender *obviously* seems frightened by this. The Lion walks up to the side of the bar and pulls up a seat next to a man. This man is dressed like a Lion Tamer, and seems pleased to see the Lion. The Bartender comes over and timidly asks the Lion, “Who are you?”. The man sitting beside the Lio...

When the lion finally wakes up, how do you survive?

You swim away, you swim away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt


The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees. The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp. The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on saf...

A man is looking for the infamous boxing lion

It escaped from the zoo early sunday morning, all around jokes ville
He strolled Down clown lane
His friends looked out from the jesters nest
Around the dad pun roundabout
No sight of it.

So, they went on reddit's very own r/jokes

They looked in the title
They looked in ...

Two circus lions are eating a clown

One lion asks the other, "does he taste funny to you?"

What do Seasons 1-5 of GOT and The Lion King prove?

Sometimes the greatest stories of our time have a healthy dose of incest

What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?

A strait pride parade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lenni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite thing about lions?

Their fucking roar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

As a lifelong Detroit Lions fan, when I die, I want the team to lower my casket into the grave.

So they can let me down one last time.

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

How do you get 1 million followers?

Run through Africa with a water bottle

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...

You've seen a maul!

The Lion

There's a zebra, a warthog and an impala and they drinking at the water hole when a pride of lions appears out of the bushes and surrounds them.



The biggest lion says "Okay you three are going to each tell me a joke and if I don't laugh I'm going to kill you."



So the ze...

When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.

But apparently he just swallows his pride.

People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him

and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

Two Lions Hiding in a Bush

They see a rabbit. So the one lion says:

"You see that rabbit. When he gets here I'm going to ask him where his hat is. Then when he can't tell me, we can beat the heck out of him."



So the rabbit approaches the bush and the lions jump out and the one lion says "Hey rabbit wh...

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?

I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?

Well you won’t be getting any mail, that’s for sure.

What do call a lion that likes to punch?

A punch lion. Too bad this joke doesn't have one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a recent safari, I saw two male lions having sex with each other out in the open.

I thought, “Have they got no pride?”

Why did the lion get into the closet?

NARNIA BUSINESS!

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

Someone complimented me that I have a heart of a LION

On an unrelated note... Do they have CCTV cameras in the zoo??

What do you get when you cross a lion with a flamingo?

A visit from an ethics committee and your funding revoked.

I have the heart of a lion

It's a shame that the zoo won't let me back in though

I saw a mountain lion the other day.

Almost made me puma pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion waa doing the cocaine

Once upon a time, a bear was smoking the weed. The rat see this.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me. Jungle is so pretty.

So the bear and the rat start touring the jungle. They see a wolf doing the meth.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come wi...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

Lion and Rat

A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the...

What did the Chinese kid name his pet lion?

Ryan

Two lions spoke at a funeral...

First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."

Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

If a lion is the king of the jungle...

Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you k...

Lions eat anything

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Did you hear about the stubborn lion who refused to resort to cannibalism?

He ended up swallowing his pride.

What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion?

Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today.

What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?

He was consumed by his own pride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

A mouse found a lion and a fox trapped in two different cages.

The lion begged to the mouse to free it and promised not to eat it.

But then the fox said Lion's lion to you.

Amused by the joke the mouse freed the fox instead.

Why dont Lions have concerns for Elephants?

Cause their size is irrelephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."



"Yes I do!"



"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"



"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, an...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.