A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion trapped in quicksand (nsfw)

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?

He was a her before.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" may come any time

It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

A hungry lion ate my arms and legs

I cant put my finger on why I will never be able to move on.

Why is a Detroit Lions fan the easiest to date?

Her standards are so low, because every year she gets disappointed by 55 men.

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

My grandfather had the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What does a pride of lions do in church?

They prey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife

But a tiger wood

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

There's 2 lions in a queue one pushes the other and says

Mufasta

Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days

The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he t...

Dad: Hey why is there a lion and a witch in your wardrobe?

Son: It’s Narnia business!

The lions roar was so big that when I compressed it ..

it turned out to be a " .Rawr " file.

What do you call it when a lion, a meerkat and a warthog coexist peacefully?

A Simba-iotic relationship.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

Leo the Lion was the king of the jungle, and had a strange obsession of

collecting thrones. He had dozens of thrones that he was very proud of, and he stored them on the second floor of his grass hut.

Sadly, on day, the weight from all those thrones was too great for the grass hut and they all crashed through the floor onto Leo, killing him.

The moral of ...

The priest meets a lion in a desert

Scared to hell he begins to pray "Dear Lord! Please, teach this lion Christian morals!". The lion sits on its hind legs, tilts its head and says, "Bless you Lord the food I will now take"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion sees a spring running while wandering through the jungle.

He leans in to take a drink, head down, rear up and his tail swaying in the air. A gorilla wanders by and gives the lion the old Liberace and runs off. The lion gives chase through the jungle. The gorilla comes upon a campsite at the edge of the jungle and dashes into a tent. He grabs a hat, puts it...

The Biker and the Lion

A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer, by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
<...

If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?

Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at ‘em all and says “I ain’t serving Narnia!”

What do you call a lion at the North Pole

Lost

A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.

After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.

The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.

The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters becaus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion takes a drink in the Serengeti

So there’s this lion in the Serengeti and he goes to drink water from a puddle. It’s the dry season and he’s happy, so he’s there drinking the water with his tail in the air. All the sudden this gorilla comes out of nowhere from behind and gives him the old Liberachi. Then the gorilla takes off, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] If a lion could talk, what would be the first thing it would say?

"Get off my fucking land!!"

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

Why is the solitary lion humble?

It has no pride.

Once there was a lion and a monkey.

The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.”

So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!” Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do?

Get off the carousel!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A cheetah and a lion are racing...

The cheetah wins...

The lion says, "You a cheetah!"

The cheetah replies, "Nah, you a lion!"

Some say I have the heart of a lion

Others say I’m banned from that zoo

Let us revive and old one.

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, clo...

For a lion to become a cannibal

He must first swallow his pride

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple at the doctors and the doctor tell the woman she’s pregnant...

... the man says “there’s just no way we always use protection without fail every single time we have sex”

The doctor says, sir, let me tell you a story;
There once was a hunter who took his gun with him everywhere he went, he was never without his gun. One day he accidentally picked up h...

A rabbit and a lion once got into an argument...

Once

What should you know if you want to become a lion tamer?

More than the lion

What do you call a Frenchman being mauled by a lion?

Claude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion is throwing a jungle sex party and everyone's invited

Before the party starts the lion goes in front of everyone and says
"there is only one rule in this party. No condoms! You can fuck with everyone but you can't use any condoms no matter what."

So the party starts and as predicted everyone is having a great time.
The lion walks around t...

A Christian went on a safari in Africa

And met a lion. The Lion started to chase him. As the man was running for his life, he started praying the Lord:

"Oh Lord, please make so the lion has a Christian thought."

So as the lion caught the man, it kneeled and started praying:

"Please Lord bless this meal that you are p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.

The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"

The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".

In a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a couple of homosexual lions?

Gay pride

Theres an old African Saying "A Lion leading an Army of Sheep can defeat An Army of Lions led by A Sheep".

And like i get the message and its a nice analogy and all but if A Sheep somehow manage to become leader of an Army of Lions, then my moneys on the Sheep

A man walks into a bar wit a giraffe

He sits down at the bar and orders himself a pint and a milkshake for the giraffe.

He finishes his pint, the giraffe finishes it's milkshake and he orders another for each of them.

Again they finish and have another.

After the third the giraffe drops down dead. The man gets u...

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

Why did the Tiger run away from the lion?

The lion invaded the golf-course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

A lion walks into a bar...

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger.

If an aeroplane is transporting 100 bricks, and one falls out, how many bricks are left?

Ninety nine.

-

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Put the elephant in
3. Close the door

-

What are the four steps to putting a horse in the fridge?

1. Open the door
2. Take the elephant out
...

I really like the Lion King

and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horney.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

If a group of lions is called a pride, what do you call a group of "Karens"?

A complaint.

The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Overheard the neighbors kid

You're on a unicorn. Behind you there is a big bear, on one side a roaring lion, on the other side a charging elephant, and in front of you a dragon. How do you get out of this alive?

Get your drunk ass off the Merrygoround!!!!

What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?

Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar.

In the corner there is a pot of money. The men ask the bartender how they can get that money. The bartender says they must:

Drink a bottle of tequila without passing out

Pulling a thorn out of a lion's paw

And have sex with a 100 year old woman.

The men agree, since it's ...

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?

I'm Gladiator.

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age

and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

An antelope and a lion are star crossed lovers

One day, the antelope decides they should take it to the next level

Antelope: let's run away and get married, Lion!

Lion: I cantaloupe

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow?

Mufasa!

What is a lion’s favourite cheese?

Roarquefort

A man is looking for the infamous boxing lion

It escaped from the zoo early sunday morning, all around jokes ville
He strolled Down clown lane
His friends looked out from the jesters nest
Around the dad pun roundabout
No sight of it.

So, they went on reddit's very own r/jokes

They looked in the title
They looked in ...

I've got the heart of a lion, the muscles of 100 men

and a long prison sentence ahead of me

What do Seasons 1-5 of GOT and The Lion King prove?

Sometimes the greatest stories of our time have a healthy dose of incest

I came across a lion in the jungle

I quickly cleaned him up and then ran off

How to do you outrun a lion?

Simba! You Mufasa.

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe...

The man orders 2 beers, one for him and one for the giraffe. After a while the man goes back up to order another 2 beers and, still gives one to his giraffe and one for himself, this continues throughout the night.

As the bar closes the man gets up to leave, when suddenly his pet giraffe fal...

A Lion walks into a bar...

The bartender *obviously* seems frightened by this. The Lion walks up to the side of the bar and pulls up a seat next to a man. This man is dressed like a Lion Tamer, and seems pleased to see the Lion. The Bartender comes over and timidly asks the Lion, “Who are you?”. The man sitting beside the Lio...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.