UPJOKE
tigerleopardelephantcatjaguarzoorhinocerosnorth africabig catcrocodilepantheracheetahvultureafricacarnivore

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These pride of lions is walking down a path in the jungle when one lion licks the

Licks the ass of the lion in front of him. The lion in front says. Hay. What's the deal with licking my ass ? And the second lion says. I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..

…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Lion is chasing a Monkey in the Jungle

The lion was chasing the monkey then suddenly a fairy appeared and stopped both of them.
The fairy said that she’ll give both the lion and the monkey 3 wishes each if the lion stops chasing the monkey.
The lion agrees and states his first wish “ I wish all the lions in this jungle become lione...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

A a famous lion in a zoo recently died

Given the popularity of the lion, the zoo doesn't want the public to know this so they make a lion costume and have one of the employees pretend to be the lion.

The employee is very afraid since he would be pretending to be a lion among other lions, if he is found out, the other lions could ...

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

A lion and a cheetah had a race.

The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."

The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...

They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.

The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."

Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get...

A man goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. Whilst stretching their legs outside the jeep a lion jumps out of the bushes and corners the mother-in-law

The man's wife screams at her husband 'Please! can't you do anything to help!'

The man replies 'The lion got itself into this mess, it can get itself out'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

Why did the lion cross the road ?

To get to the other pride..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a Lion goes down to the water hole for a drink...

and a Gorilla hiding in the Jungle thinks it would be funny to run down and fuck the Lion in the ass so the Gorilla does.

And the Lion begins chasing the Gorilla thru the jungle.

The Gorilla runs thru a safari camp and seeing nobody there he runs into a tent and puts on a safari jacket...

A zoo in China denies using a man in a costume pretending to be a bear. But they do have a dog dressed up as a lion…

It’s a Shih Tzu.

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?

He was a her before.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

Once upon a time, a lion announced...

Once upon a time, a lion announced he'll distribute free woolen coats if he is elected 'King of the jungle'.

One foolish sheep asked, "From where the wool will come?"

The lion just laughed and laughed and said, "My finance minister, the cheetah, will explain the source aft...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once all the females of the jungle went to the Lion, king of the Jungle.

They complained that the males always keep having sex with them and wouldn't let them take rest.

The Lion told them he would do something. He called for all the males of the jungle and told them to deposit their dicks with him and told them they could only have them after 4 weeks. He gave the...

Why does the lion say “I’m the king of the jungle”?

Because he has mane character syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the lion say when he got caught performing autofellatio?

Nothing, he just swallowed his pride.

What do you do when there's a deer next to you, a lion is chasing you, and a pony flees from you?

Exit the carousel and avoid further alcohol.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

What happens when you put a zebra in a lion cage?

You get fired from the zoo

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion gathered the whole jungle and said…

Who ever jumps from the top of that mountain gets to fuck my wife.
The lion then goes to the bottom of the mountain and patiently waits.
1 hour goes by
2 hours go by
Then suddenly, the lion hears a scream.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA” *Dump*
A bear lands on the floor frantically gets up and ...

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leo the Lion is enjoying his flight from Africa to LA. He opens up his meal, a freshly killed gazelle. The other passengers stare in abject horror as he tears into the carcass. The flight attendant discreetly comes over and says...

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stow your tray table and carrion."

If The Lion King was a cow movie instead, what would their leader be called?

Moofasa

A lion walks into a bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a tiger walks into the bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a skunk walks into the bar. Who leaves first?

Everybody else.

I’ve never killed a mountain lion

but I choked a cougar once.

I'm applying for a job in the circus as a lion tamer

My stage name is Claude Balzac.

Chuck Norris petted a lion but then there was a roar sound

The trainer said “get up very slowly and back up” so the lion did exactly that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion , snake and dog walk into a bar , the bartender pulls out a shotgun and says

“How the fuck did that snake just walk in here?”

Lion and Monkey

A Monkey would come over and make fun of the lion everyday. Lion would keep his head low and would just ignore. All the animals would feel humiliated because their King was being ridiculed, but there was nothing anyone could do.

The lioness would say I'll go and kill that monkey but the lion ...

For a lion to become a cannibal

He must first swallow his pride

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear, a mountain lion, and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “holy shit okay everyone stay calm, I’m calling animal control”

How many gazelles does it take to kill a lion

Gazzelion

I found a lion in my wardrobe and I asked him what he was doing there.

He said "Narnia business".

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Upon seeing a big lion, a monkey thinks to himself, “That’s a big lion, if I fuck this lion up the ass, I’ll be the king of the jungle.”

When the lion’s tail goes up, the monkey jumps down and fucks the lion up the ass. The lion wakes up and chases the monkey through the jungle, the monkey dives through a row of trees and lands in the lobby of a big hotel.

He picks up a newspaper and covers his face as if to read it. The lion...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Egyptian Joke about a rat, a lion, and a lioness

One day, a rat came across a lion and his lioness, then said "Fuck you, Lion!". The lion stayed calm and the lioness asked him "Won't you kick his ass up ?!".
"He's a just a stupid rat and doesn't worth the effort" The lion replied.

The very next day, the rat came across the lion and the ...

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your pistol only has one round left. What do you do?

Shoot the Lion, get in the Jaguar and drive away.

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?

I don't know, but if it wants a cracker you better give it one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion sinking in a pool of quicksand

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, an...

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?

Ryan

My Dad has the heart of a lion

and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lion in the Jungle

A lion is walking through his jungle and steps on someone's poop , so the next day he calls every animal in the jungle and tells them that now there are toilets around the jungle and everyone is to do their business there.

For a week everything went well but one day a bunny is walking throug...

How did Spartacus feel after a lion ate his wife?

He was gladiator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."



"Yes I do!"



"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"



"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, an...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

The Lion and the Monkey

A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion.

The lioness starts to get angry and says, "King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him."

"You are right, but you know ...

What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?

He was consumed by his own pride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan of the Apes was fighting a lion in Africa,

He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.

They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephants trunk for a dick. A couple weeks later a chimp stops by and as...

A man was walking on the street with a lion.

A cop saw him and said - Hey! You can't walk that lion here. Take him to the zoo. The man complies and goes away.
The next day, the cop sees the same man walking the lion again on the street.
Hey! I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo.
The man replied - I did, and today I am ...

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Africa to teach a Native tribe how to speak English

The guy said to the chief "lion" and the chief would say Lion. The guy said "Tiger" and the chief said tiger. After a couple weeks the chief was understanding English fairly well.

The man and the chief are having a stroll down a pathway when they see a man a woman having sex in the bushes. ...

A Sea Lion escaped from the Atlanta Aquarium...

I heard they had to re-seal the tank...

Two parents are dragging their 15 year old son to a lion safari.

"Mom, Dad, why do I have to go? I'm 15 and we're going to a frickin lion safari????"

"Son, it's pronounced 'African' Lion Safari."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a Safari, when the guide told us, “If you ever see a lion charging, reach behind your back and fling some poop at the lion to startle him.”

Me: Where will I find the poop?

Guide: Trust me, it’ll be there.

A lion trainer had the cats under such control, they could take a lump of sugar from her lips on command.

When a man sitting in the back row yelled - I can do that, the owner came and asked him to try.

The man replied - Certainly, but first, get those lions out of there.

A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole

after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name after surviving being attacked by a lion?

He's now called Claud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have constipation, just go to the zoo and jump in the lion enclosure.

You'll have no problem shitting for the rest of your life.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.