UPJOKE
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Crab Jokes

A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."
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What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.
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A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...
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Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.
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A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...
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A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...
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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean
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Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement



Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk

He was Sidewalking along the pavement
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Crab and flea

A crab and a flea are talking one day, when the flea has a brilliant idea.

“Let’s split for one week, catch a ride on whatever we please, then we’ll meet back up and share experiences.”

Thinking it sounds like a great plan, the crab agrees, and they set about their ways.

One w...
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Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card?

I dont know, but it was Under dah C!
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Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
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Why did the crab cross the road?

It didnt, it used the sidewalk
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What do you call a pizza place with crab employees?

A crust station
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What’s the difference between a male crab and a female crab???

Mudflaps
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What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line?

Drunk
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What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza?

That Crust taste, Son!
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Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi
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A crab walks into a bar

He says, “I’ll have a pint of beer, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to have 10 bottles of champagne as compensation

The bartender says “Why the big clause?”
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Why did the crab never share?

Because he was shellfish!
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What do you call a robot crab that has fallen into disrepair?

A rustacean.
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An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...
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Have you ever eaten horseshoe crab?

I heard it was good, but idk if I’d ever trilobite.
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What do you call a crab that got sat on ?

Crushedacean
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How did the Chesapeake crab refer to his ex-wife?

His Old Bay
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Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”
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What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle
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How do you know if a crab is pregnant?

Ask a lobstetrician
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The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.

‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.

A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry....
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What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

Two crabs are eating a billionaire on the bottom of the ocean.

One looks at the other and asks, "this taste a little rich to you?"
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What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often
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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

One crab to another crab

I think I have lobsters
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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

Whats worse than crab on your piano?

Cancer on your organs
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Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
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Why did the coconut crab cross the road?

To eat Amelia Earhart.
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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step 1: Use commas.
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“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”
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Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.
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Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!
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A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling si...
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What do you call it when a crab takes a selfie?

A shelfie.

P.s. This is what it's come to. Kill me.
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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Why didn’t anyone like the crab?

He was too crabby.
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In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.
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A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...
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The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...
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A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs

So the next day, he goes back to complain.

And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"
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What do you call a crab that doesn't share?

A 'Shell Fish'
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The Horny Crab

Two men are talking:
"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps.
"what do you mean" asks the other one.
"I can't get out of Michelle".

Crabs

A guy picks up a five-dollar hooker and gets the crabs from her. Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says, "You gave me the crabs!" She replies, "What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"
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The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will co...

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...
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What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell
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How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.
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Why does the sad crab walk side ways?

Because he has nothing to look forward to
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What do you call a greedy crab?

Shell fish......
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Why didn't the bee want crab legs?

He wanted bee-food, not seafood!
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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.
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A crab, a lobster, a dolphin...

and a Japanese dude run over by a truck. Which one doesn't match up?

[The dolphin. The other three are all crustaceans/crushed Asians](#s)

What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab?

"Looks like you've got me in a pinch."
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what did a crab say to another crab on christmas

hey sandy claws
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My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab
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How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!
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What's the difference between an old crab and a Korean in the oven?

Ones a crusty crestacean and the others a crispy crust Asian
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Today I watched a documentary about crustaceans and I saw a crab take another crab's food...

...crabs can be so shellfish right?
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What did the blue crab call his ex girlfriend?

Old Bay
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What do you get if you steamroll a crab and a Korean at the same time?

A crustacean

:D

:D
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Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.
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I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.
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Where do crabs store their money?

In the sand bank.
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Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...
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I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.
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Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.
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