A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone?

Shello

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

(This was a joke my teacher made)

A crab walks into a bar...

The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...

Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.

‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.

A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry....

Where do crabs store their money?

In the sand bank.

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza?

That Crust taste, Son!

Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.

A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs.

So the next day he goes back to complain.

And the woman says, "Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"

A man boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of crabs...

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. ...

One crab to another crab

I think I have lobsters

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What’s a sure sign your lover has crabs?

They want to fuck you sideways

Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

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Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle

What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus?

They're both crushed Asians.

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

What do you call a crab that doesn't share?

A 'Shell Fish'

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card?

I dont know, but it was Under dah C!

A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Take a seat. We serve everybody."

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A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

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The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

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Butter Crabs?

I love everything about her Butter Crabs

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

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What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Why did the ocean roar?

Wouldn't you if there are crabs underneath?

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries?

It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.

If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on?

The captain's dinghy

A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling si...

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

Whats worse than crab on your piano?

Cancer on your organs

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

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The Horny Crab

Two men are talking:
"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps.
"what do you mean" asks the other one.
"I can't get out of Michelle".

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

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A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

A guy pulls over for a hooker on the side of the street.

He rolls down the window and asks “How much?”

She says “$5.00”

He motions for her to get in the car.

They do their business and he drops her off.

The morning after, he calls her and says “Hey, we have a problem - I think you gave me crabs.”

She says “Well, what d...

What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell

I bought two hermit crabs

I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...

Another joke for my cake day.

The sand crab and the horse shoe crab are the best of friends. They do everything together.

Then one day the horse shoe crab dies. He goes up to heaven and Saint Peter meets him at the gates. Saint Peter asks him if he has any questions and he says no. So Saint Peter gives him a harp, a...

Whats the name of that old reality show where they go fishing and catch a bunch of crabs?

Oh, right.

Jersey Shore...I miss that show.

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