UPJOKE
king crablobstershellfishfishshrimpcrustaceanabdomencrayfishprawnseafoodsoft-shell crabexoskeletontunasalmongrouse

A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...

A crab walks into a bar...

The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone?

Shello

Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement



Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk

He was Sidewalking along the pavement

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step one: use commas

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs

So the next day, he goes back to complain.

And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line?

Drunk

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What’s the difference between a crab with large breasts and an aged transport hub ?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

How do you know if a crab is pregnant?

Ask a lobstetrician

Why did the coconut crab cross the road?

To eat Amelia Earhart.

Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.

A crab and a lobster start dating

Sadly, the crab and the lobster had to keep their relationship a secret as normally lobsters always looked down on the low-class crabs. But as they continued their relationship, they realized they wanted to marry and the girl lobster insisted that she needed to introduce her crab boyfriend to her fa...

What do you call a crab that got sat on ?

Crushedacean

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

You guys had three stimulus checks to fix that AC and you chose crab legs

Look who’s boiling now

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.

What do crabs say when they shake hands?

Ouch.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

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$10 dollar prostitute

This guys hooks with a $10 prostitute and the next day he starts getting itchy and realizes the hooker gave him an STD....anyway a couple days later he sees her on the corner and yells "BITCH YOU GAVE ME CRABS!..she yells back "WTF WERE YOU EXPECTING FOR TEN DOLLARS? A LOBSTER?"

Crabs

A guy picks up a five-dollar hooker and gets the crabs from her. Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says, "You gave me the crabs!" She replies, "What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"

How did the Chesapeake crab refer to his ex-wife?

His Old Bay

Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Where do crabs store their money?

In the sand bank.

What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza?

That Crust taste, Son!

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

Your pubes are a lot like the ocean

If you explore enough, you'll find crabs

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.

Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card?

I dont know, but it was Under dah C!

The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.

‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.

A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry....

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

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Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle

What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus?

They're both crushed Asians.

How do crustaceans bulk up?

They crab load.

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

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The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

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Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

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What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

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Butter Crabs?

I love everything about her Butter Crabs

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A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Take a seat. We serve everybody."

From my 9 year old: "What is the grumpiest thing on the beach?"

A crab.




Bonus from the 3 yo:

"What did the daddy toilet say to the little toilet?

Don't forget to flush yourself!"

Lobsters on your piano

Are better than crabs on your organ.

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat...

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling si...

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Why does the crab never share?

Because it was shell-fish

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

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Virginia is for Lovers...

Maryland is for Crabs.

Why don't crabs donate to charity?

They're shellfish penny pinchers.

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...

What's worse than lobsters on your pianos?

Crabs on your organs.

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A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell

Why does the Ocean Roar ?

You'd roar too if you had big crabs digging holes in your bottom.

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The Horny Crab

Two men are talking:
"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps.
"what do you mean" asks the other one.
"I can't get out of Michelle".

How do you get rid of crabs?

You go to the movie theatre and feed them popcorn, when they get up to go get a sip of water you move seats.

Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

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