A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone?

Shello

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...

A crab walks into a bar...

The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

What do you call a crab that got sat on ?

Crushedacean

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs

So the next day, he goes back to complain.

And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

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Bus station vs crab

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with big tits?

Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean

How did the Chesapeake crab refer to his ex-wife?

His Old Bay

You guys had three stimulus checks to fix that AC and you chose crab legs

Look who’s boiling now

When God made the little crustacean, he told his team to name it "crab"

..and make it *snappy!*

Where do crabs store their money?

In the sand bank.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza?

That Crust taste, Son!

The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.

‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.

A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry....

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.

A lawyer boarded an airplane...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying fr...

One crab to another crab

I think I have lobsters

Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

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A man goes to a $5 prostitute…

A few days later he finds out he has crabs. He returns to the prostitute angry. She says, it was only $5, what did you expect, lobster?

Credit to Michael Scott

How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

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Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle

What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card?

I dont know, but it was Under dah C!

What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus?

They're both crushed Asians.

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

What's a hookers spirit animal?

Crabs

I recently visited r/crabs

Not really a fan of it, it's filled with cancer

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

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The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Take a seat. We serve everybody."

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

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A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

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What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling si...

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell

I bought two hermit crabs

I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???

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The Horny Crab

Two men are talking:
"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps.
"what do you mean" asks the other one.
"I can't get out of Michelle".

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A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...

A guy pulls over for a hooker on the side of the street.

He rolls down the window and asks “How much?”

She says “$5.00”

He motions for her to get in the car.

They do their business and he drops her off.

The morning after, he calls her and says “Hey, we have a problem - I think you gave me crabs.”

She says “Well, what d...

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