A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

(This was a joke my teacher made)

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...

A crab walks into a bar...

The Barman says "I can't serve you mate, you're already walking sideways".

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and gets crabs.

So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

A man boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of crabs...

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. ...

What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone?

Shello

What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza?

That Crust taste, Son!

There is only one reason crabs don't donate and its

They are shellfish

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

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Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus?

They're both crushed Asians.

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A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Take a seat. We serve everybody."

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A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

Why does the sea roar?

Because if there were crabs on your bottom you would roar too.

Why does the crab never share?

Because it was shell-fish

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries?

It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.

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The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

Made up my own joke today! Comment what you think: What did the crab get on his report card?

I dont know, but it was Under dah C!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.



Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.



Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.



Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.



Man who leaps off cliff jumps to ...

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling si...

I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch

Makes the crabs feel more at home.

What’s worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

Why didn’t anyone like the crab?

He was too crabby.

My wife asked me why I’m always on the boat and I don’t spend time with her?

I told her she may be old but she is always wet and ready to go. And if anything goes wrong I can get rid of her for a new one. Lastly, if we get crabs together it’s a good thing.

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

A husband and wife are in bed...

The wife says to the husband "Honey, how do you tell the difference between crabs and lobsters?"


The husband replies "Crabs walk sideways"


"Oh my god..." The wife exclaims. "I've got lobsters!"

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

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The Horny Crab

Two men are talking:
"I'm a kind of horny crab" the first man gasps.
"what do you mean" asks the other one.
"I can't get out of Michelle".

How’d the clam cross the river?

Took a taxi crab.

Mother-in-law

We were vacationing on the east coast at a little seaside cottage and my mother-in-law went missing. I went to the police station and told the constable about the situation and he assured me they would search for her. A few days went by and the constable knocked on the cottage door.
We found you...

I bought two hermit crabs

I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???

What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do tampons have strings?

Because crabs like to bungee jump

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

My friend had cancer for her zodiac symbol, its ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

A woman goes out boating one day...

A woman takes the boat out one afternoon, but does not come back. The next day, her husband answers a knock at the door to two grim-faced State Troopers.

"Good afternoon sir, regarding your wife we have some bad news, good news, and really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
...

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...

Whats the name of that old reality show where they go fishing and catch a bunch of crabs?

Oh, right.

Jersey Shore...I miss that show.

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