UPJOKE
king crablobstershellfishfishshrimpcrustaceanabdomencrayfishprawnseafoodsoft-shell crabexoskeletontunasalmongrouse

A guy walks into a seafood store carrying a crab,

and he asked the owner, "Do you make crab cakes?" And the owner said, "Yes we do."...So the guy said, "Good because it's his birthday."

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...

Crab and flea

A crab and a flea are talking one day, when the flea has a brilliant idea.

“Let’s split for one week, catch a ride on whatever we please, then we’ll meet back up and share experiences.”

Thinking it sounds like a great plan, the crab agrees, and they set about their ways.

One w...

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step one: use commas

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs

So the next day, he goes back to complain.

And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

A crab and a lobster start dating

Sadly, the crab and the lobster had to keep their relationship a secret as normally lobsters always looked down on the low-class crabs. But as they continued their relationship, they realized they wanted to marry and the girl lobster insisted that she needed to introduce her crab boyfriend to her fa...

What’s the difference between a male crab and a female crab???

Mudflaps

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement



Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk

He was Sidewalking along the pavement

What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone?

Shello

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a ...

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didnt, it used the sidewalk

crabs.

which is the odd one out, a crab, a lobster, a woodlouse or a Chinese man under a steamroller.?

A woodlouse.

because the rest are all crushed asians.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

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What’s the difference between a crab with large breasts and an aged transport hub ?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

You guys had three stimulus checks to fix that AC and you chose crab legs

Look who’s boiling now

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line?

Drunk

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.

I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.

How do you know if a crab is pregnant?

Ask a lobstetrician

Why did the coconut crab cross the road?

To eat Amelia Earhart.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.

Crabs

A guy picks up a five-dollar hooker and gets the crabs from her. Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says, "You gave me the crabs!" She replies, "What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"

What do you call a crab that got sat on ?

Crushedacean

How did the Chesapeake crab refer to his ex-wife?

His Old Bay

Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

What do crabs say when they shake hands?

Ouch.

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.

‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.

A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry....

Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

Where do crabs store their money?

In the sand bank.

Your momma is so poor

She gave me imitation crabs.

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

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Did you hear about the masturbating crab?

He really came out of his shell.

What does a hermit crab call its home?

Michelle

What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

A seafood lover walks into a bar

A seafood lover walks into a bar and grill and orders a beer. "Do you serve crabs here?" he asks the bartender. "We serve everyone," the bartender says. "Have a seat."

What does a crab have in common with a Chinese guy who gets run over by a bus?

They're both crushed Asians.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

One crab to another crab

I think I have lobsters

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

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Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

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Old sailor's joke

So an old salty sailor told me this one, I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

There once was a sailor, who got off his ship in a distant land. First thing he does is ask where the nearest brothel is at. Once there he orders his drink, starts talking to the pretty women around, and final...

hit me with your best yo momma joke. I'll go first.

Yo momma so nasty even the crabs done migrated.

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$10 dollar prostitute

This guys hooks with a $10 prostitute and the next day he starts getting itchy and realizes the hooker gave him an STD....anyway a couple days later he sees her on the corner and yells "BITCH YOU GAVE ME CRABS!..she yells back "WTF WERE YOU EXPECTING FOR TEN DOLLARS? A LOBSTER?"

Why is the ocean always turbulent?

It has crabs on its bottom…

Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

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What do you call a crab holding a basket of tampons?

A crustacean menstruation station.

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What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

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The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

Your pubes are a lot like the ocean

If you explore enough, you'll find crabs

I had a one night stand with a recluse on tinder

She gave me hermit crabs

I recently visited r/crabs

Not really a fan of it, it's filled with cancer

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A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

A girl lobster meets a crab boy...

...they quickly hit it off and start dating. Unfortunately, the girl lobsters father is dead set against interspecies relationships and tells his daughter "If you keep seeing that crab boy, I'm cutting you off, no daughter of mine will be with a 'sideways walker', I will not stand for it." Upset, ...

hooker joke #1

So a man get $5 hooker .

The next day he realizes he has crabs ..

furious, the man goes back to the hooker and tells her " hey you gave me crabs wtf"

The hooker replies ...." It was $5 what u expect? Lobsters? .....

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

If the salmon come in on the salmon boat and the lobsters come in on the lobster boat, what boat do the crabs come in on?

The captain's dinghy

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

A crab fisherman walks into a bar with a crab.

He sets the crab on the bar and it proceeds to walk perfectly straight ahead, instead of scuttling side to side like crabs usually do. The bartender, impressed, offers the fisherman $50 for the amazing crab and takes it home. The next day he takes the crab out of the cage, and it begins scuttling si...

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

Why does the crab never share?

Because it was shell-fish

Why don't crabs donate to charity?

They're shellfish penny pinchers.

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

Dad joke alert: why didn't the crab and lobster get along?

They were too shellfish.

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A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

What did the crab name his daughter?

Ma-shell

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