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How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

Two factory workers are talking.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a ligh...

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

Council workers

Two men are doing work for their local council. One digs holes in the ground, the other man follows behind and fills them in.

Spotting this strange behaviour a local approaches them and asks why they’re digging holes just to fill them in again.

One of the men replies, “Oh we’re usually...

What do you call a brothel for construction workers?

Nuts N' Bolts

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.

'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'

'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.

'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.

'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got ou...

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

Sex worker says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out, lays £300 pounds on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint ...my....house."

Why did the Amazon worker use a pen

To check all the boxes

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

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What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?

When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."

A co-worker asked me "How's it going?"

Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale."

Why do they call them postal workers

and not mail escorts?

I never wanted to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would loose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

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I’m starting a charity for sex workers and their families

It’s called Food for Thot

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

Easiest way to tell a scientist from a construction worker?

Have them pronounce unionize.

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

Their wages were garnished.

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I was interested in taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought "damn, I might actually win this".

My co-worker disagreed when I said Median is the best average

He's a mean person!

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Sex workers had the easiest job in 2020.

They already had a PP-PPE rule!

A construction worker fell off a tall scaffold.

His colleagues dashed over to the edge and looked down in horror as he plummeted towards his death, crashing and bouncing off the metal structure.

A worker gasped in shock, "He will be bloody missed."

His manager replied, "No he's not. He's a splatter on the pavement."

What types of large PC's do McDonalds workers use?

Big Macs

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A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building realizes he needs a saw

He looks around him, none. He looks 5 floors down, sees a man looking up at him. He's screaming but the guy can't hear him cause of all the noise around. So he decides to use sign language.

He points to his eye meaning 'I', then he points to his knee, meaning 'need', then he makes a saw moti...

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How do you know if a female co-worker that you flirted with at work is into you?

If she *doesn't* report you for sexual harassment, then she's into you

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What is a Sex worker's biggest fear?

November

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

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A man walked into a sandwich shop...

This shop was the talk of the town. Fresh and new delicious sandwiches made each day.

The man ordered a footlong sub sandwich with all the fillings. He sat down and took a bite.

And spat it out immediately in disgust.

The bread was stale, almost rock hard, and tasted foul. Th...

What do you call a guy from the UK who is for worker rights

union jack

The workers at Coca Cola factory are always enthusiastic and motivated to work....

That’s the sprite.

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What do retail workers and people who search by new have in common?

Everyone expects high standards from them, have to deal with everyone’s shit, get blamed when things don’t go the way someone wants, and very understaffed

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Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside...

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”“Ever since my wife found it in our bed!”

A construction worker.

A construction worker on his first day was tasked with picking up supplies from the lumberyard.


He walked into the office and said, "We need some 4x2s."


The clerk said, "You mean 2x4s, right?"


The worker said, "Let me go check,"

He went back to the truck, soo...

My boss said I'm a worker worth paying attention to.

Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

Being deemed an "essential worker"

Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off.

An Irish housewife is at home, being a homemaker, while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of th...

All of our workers have airbags in their monitor

So it will protect them when their computers crash.

How do you call a finance worker who’s lost money?

Broker

What do my girlfriend and a Subway worker have in common?

Everything, my girlfriend recently got a job at Subway, I'm very proud of you sweetie

A dyslexic IT worker

waited hours for a USB, then 3 came at once.

A worker at the Zippo factory is showing their boss how the new machine works.

Suddenly, the lights go out. Wanting to finish the demonstration quickly, they try to continue with only the emergency lighting.

"The lights are too dim, I can't see what you're doing" the boss complains.

"I have an idea", says the worker. "Let's turn the machine on. "

The bos...

What do you call an erotic construction worker?

A brick layer.

My wife told me she is a poll worker.

I’m just surprised they pay her in all singles.

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Three construction workers are sitting on a scaffolding eating lunch.

An electrician, a bricklayer, and a welder are sitting on a high rise scaffolding on their lunch break. They all open their lunches to find baloney sandwiches. The electrician sighs and says

"I hate baloney, my wife knows I hate baloney, yet every day I end up with this sandwich. If I get on...

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

A man is in a cosmetic shop, then a female worker asks him:"Do you want Head and Shoulders sir?"

Then the man responds:"Yes, but how did you know my name was 'and Shoulders'? "

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

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In the Beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervi...

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

How does a pencil hire their workers?

He appoints them

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager on the phone hesitated. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked his newly-hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice.

"I'm s...

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What’s the difference between a prostitute and a politician?

One fucks you, and the other is a sex worker.

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What does a brothel and the American school system have in common?

The workers are under paid, the building probably isn’t up to code and you’re likely to leave thoroughly fucked.

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

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A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

I started getting cramps and pains in my hands ever since I started taking a new road that goes underground on my way to work with a few co-workers.

It must be the carpool tunnel.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.

A soviet worker wants to surprise his wife for their 10 year anniversary

A poor, soviet worker, who works in a vacuum factory wants to make his wife a present for their 10 year anniversary. He has barely enough money to survive tho, so he hatches a plan:

every day while standing at the production line he steals one vacuum part and brings it home. After a few week...

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a chemical factory worker?

Write down the word *'unionized'* and ask them to pronounce it.

Costco worker asked if I wanna box for my groceries

No bro, I’m just trying to pay for them, everyone’s so violent these days.

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

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Why are sewage treatment workers always so tough?

They have to deal with all the world’s shit.

A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant to eat and they have a dress code.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

**Host** Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

**Host** Alright.... I guess you ha...

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

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My daughter has decided to become a poll worker this election year...

She decided it sounded better than putting "stripper" on her resume.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

What do you call someone who eats circus workers?

A carny-vore

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

A C-Level, a middle manager and a worker talk at the Christmas party of their company.

They discuss what to do with the Christmas bonus.

"Well", said the C-Level, "I'm probably gonna do a trip around the world, expand my villa in Malibu and with the rest, well, maybe a new Ferrari"

Said the middle manager "Well, I'm gonna make a vacation in Malibu and get a pool for my h...

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

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There's Nothing Sexier than a Minimum Wage Worker

If he'll mop that floor all day for 8.25 an hour imagine what he'd do to me for 10

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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

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It’s a post office workers last day delivering mail.

At each of the houses he gets a little present.

At one house, a lady opens the door only wearing a garter belt and stockings.

She gives the mailman a long kiss, walks him upstairs and gives him a ride to remember.

Afterwards, she makes home a nice lunch and gives him a dollar bi...

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What do prostitutes and construction workers have in common?

They both often hear the phrase "Time to get on your backhoe."

What do they call the lamp at the car factory that warns the workers that the engine is from eastern Europe?

The czech engine light.

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

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My friend and I both had dick jokes to tell a co-worker

My friend politely said I can go first because mine is shorter.

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A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

I just saw Oregon has a drive-thru strip club. Today, we salute these frontline workers who are taking care of the Beaver State’s residents in response to COVID-19...

Heroes Twerk Here

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

What do you call a one night stand with a construction worker?

Nut and bolt.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

What do workers in a tea factory never get?

Coffee breaks

My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ.

He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks.

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How does a sex worker extract precious minerals from the Earth?

They strip mine.

An Englishman and a Laotian go on a business trip together

The Englishman stops by the hotel room of his co-worker and mentions "The pillows here at the hotel are terrible. They are too big and fluffy and my neck really hurts this morning."

The Laotian says "I noticed, so I made my own pillow by getting feathers from the birds on the roof. Here try...

Well, No Sale Today. (Co-worker says it's OC, I doubt)

Many animals are waiting in line in front of a store in the forest: bears, foxes, wolves, hedgehogs etc. A rabbit pushes through the queue. He pushes the other animals with his elbows, and jumps to the beginning of the queue. At this point, a bear catches him and says, "You, bunny, no cheating! To t...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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What’s the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a sex worker with diarrhea?

One of them shucks between fits...

A long time worker at a coca cola just lost his job

He is soda pressed now.

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

What did the prostate doctor say to the kfc worker?

it's finger lickin' good

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did the carpenter go when his co-worker cut his dick off in an accident?

Small claims court

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

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A woman complained to a co-worker that she hadn't been on a date in a very long time. The co-worker mentioned that a Chinese doctor had recently opened a sex clinic and she should try him out.

She made an appointment and the doctor asked her what her problem was. "Nobody ever asks me out on a date"

The doctor told her to undress completely and get down on all fours.

"Now crawr away from me rearry fass."

So she crawled across the room away from him really fast. and tur...

A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.

A woman opens the door, and the man explains he’s with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.

“Let’s see,” says the woman, “There’s Timmy and Tammy; they’re 4. There’s Molly and Holly; they’re 8. There’s Terry and Larr...

Three kids are outdoing each other bragging about their fathers....

First kid says: My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds

Second kid says: That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound.

Third kid says: My dad is heaps faster than both your dads. He’s a Council Worker. ...

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As more stores reopen, can we start being assholes to retail workers again?

Because the guy who bagged my groceries at the self checkout yesterday was a complete moron and needed to hear it.

There was a devastating earthquake in the Irish town of Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll.

Relief workers are still at work trying to figure out what was the town's name before the catastrophe.

Fear of Covid-19 is a wonderous thing for workers.

A wee cough gives a week off.

Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam "Is this a union house?"

“No" she replied "I'm sorry it isn't".

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized sh...

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