The 123+ Best Worker Jokes

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A restaurant worker was caught with his penis in the tomato slicer.

Both were fired on the spot.

A construction worker calls his wife in the middle of the day.

“Honey, I’m in the hospital, I lost a finger.”
“Oh my goodness,” she exclaims, “The whole finger?” “No, no.” He replies, “The one next to it.”

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 18% in response to ongoing worker protests.

The workers' main demand is "more playtime".

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What's the difference between a proctologist and a retail worker?

The proctologist needed to go to college to deal with assholes for a living.

A farmer once hired a worker to help with his farm…

The first day, he assigned him to chop wood. By the end of the day, he had chopped more wood than 2 people. the farmer was amazed.
The second day, the farmer assigned him to mend fences. By the end of the day, he had fixed all of the broken fences on the farm. The farmer was astounded.
On th...

A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

Why can't stone workers sleep at night?

They spend all day knapping.

Boss tells his new worker:

“You work really slow, you walk really slow, I watched you during lunch and you ate your sandwich really slowly too! Is there anything you can do fast!?”

The worker replays: “I get tired really fast!”

Two lawn workers were taking a break in the yard

From down the block they heard a familiar mournful tune coming from the local church.

"Guess there's a funeral in town today," one man said. "Wonder who died?"

The second man said "I'm not sure but usually it's the one in the coffin."

I didn't wanna believe that my dad was stealing from his work as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

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What’s the difference between a polite business partner and a sex worker?

A polite business partner always says « Thanks - it’s been a pleasure doing business with you. »

The workers at the US (or any) Mint

Make more money than you do. Guaranteed.

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

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Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?

Have you tried turning them off, then on again?

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his ...

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the groun...

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

Woman mistakes Lee Trevino for a migrant worker

Lee Trevino is a Mexican-American who was one of the best golfers (and greatest characters) in the world. But when he was a young man, he would still mow his own lawn, and this is why.

He was a young golfer on the PGA Tour, and a married man, when one day he was out mowing the lawn in front ...

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

The workers at Staples must have loved college

They write "college ruled" on all the notebooks

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Did you hear about the sex worker who was so hard up for money that she agreed to be a bottom in BDSM?

She was strapped for cash!

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A construction worker tells his story at a therapy session

"My name is Dave. I'm a good and honest guy, I'm loyal to my wife and work hard every day. Does anybody call me Dave the Hard Worker? I don't think so"

The doctor replied "Well, normally no one calls anybody that, so you can feel a little better. Continue"

"I've built t...

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

Looking a bit depressed - the Boss shouted out at the worker

Forget about the past - you can’t change it
Forget about the future - you can’t predict it

Forget about the present - i didn’t get you one

What is a construction worker with bad taste's favorite genre of music?

Sheetrock

In communist Yugoslavia a worker is in prison

An inmate asks him: “How did you end up here?”

Well, at my workplace, I put up pictures of Marx, Engels, Tito and Lennon.

Oh I see, and that’s why they put you in prison.

No.

It was when comrade director came and asked me: “Why is there a picture of that fool on the wall...

Local grocery store checkout workers are ignorant, lazy, smelly …

That’s the last time I use the self-checkout lane

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There was this construction worker

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sig...

My boss got mad at me for calling a co-worker a chicken.

He said he doesn't tolerate any fowl language.

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

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Two coworkers, Fred & Jim, come in to work on Monday.

Fred immediately says to Jim "you won't believe my weekend. I went to the club Saturday and met up with this woman. We wound up getting a hotel room and went at it all night, she was absolutely incredible. I have to say she was even better than my wife. You've got to meet this woman."

The nex...

A nuclear power plant worker…

A nuclear power plant worker sees his coworker with a fishing rod and line in the reactor.

“How’s the fission, John?”

After seeing a co-worker win the Powerball, my retirement plan has changed.

It's back to $20 million.

A man walks into a cosmetic store and asks..

Man: How much for that funny spray that makes people smell better?

Worker: Perfume?

Man: No, per bottle would be nice

Did you hear about the workers' compensation trial for the British banana?

He won, and now he's on the Dole.

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

A blind man with a service dog walked into a bar

The construction worker holding the bar said, "Dude, you need a new dog!"

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring...

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says,

"I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
<...

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A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache

The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have sex with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"

The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.

But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically order...

A construction worker walks into a bar

His friends start laughing at how much of an idiot he is.

I was talking to a council worker the other day and I asked him "What's it like working for the council?

"Oh you know you have good days and bad days."

"Swings and roundabouts I suppose"

"Yeah sometimes we fill potholes as well."

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I just found out that I'm a sex worker

If I don't do work around the house, I don't get any

Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…”

Workers at the International Earth Rotation Service have gone on strike.

This is going to be a long day.

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.

His co-worker asks him “Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?”

“I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it,” Jim grumbles.

“How’d you get a flat?”

“Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.”

“In the middle of a crosswalk? Di...

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

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I lost my job and was forced to become a sex worker

Now I have to rub Peter to pay Paul

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.

The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

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What's the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?

One's a shitty tipper....

My boss said I’m a worker worth paying attention to

Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.

A woman went to a rescue to adopt a dog...

Her husband had a late night at work and told her she could go pick one. The lady was undecided until she saw a beautiful boxer. A rescue worker noticed the lady's fascination with the dog and went over to her. "Do you know that this dog can fly?" asked the rescue worker, and proceeded to take the ...

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How do hedge fund workers jerk off?

They give it a short squeeze.

Three construction workers dig up a strange old lamp at a job site

A genie pops out and says, "Since you three found me at the same time, I will grant each of you one wish!"

The first worker blurts out, "I want to live in a mansion on my own private island!" and POOF! he's gone, now laying back in a chaise longue in the Cayman Islands.

The second work...

Co Workers are like Christmas lights...

They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he t...

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Greg got a black eye

One day Greg arrives at work with a black eye. His co-worker Mike says, "What the hell happened to you, man?

- My wife hit me, said Greg.
- What do you mean she hit you?
- Well yes, the other day I see her bending over the freezer with her little ass waddling in her tight skirt. It was...

The boss calls in his best worker for a performance evaluation.

Everything goes well but at the end of the meeting, the worker says "I think you should give me a raise. I'll have you know there are three other companies who are after me."

The boss raises his brow and asks, "Who?"

The worker replies, "Electric, Gas, and Phone.."

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

Even construction workers are getting tired of endless road projects.

I saw them putting up a protest sign today that said "End Construction"!

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A person goes to the grocery store…

They go to the produce section to look for broccoli. They find no broccoli so they ask a worker. The worker tells them they’re all out of broccoli.

They walk around a bit more and decide to ask again.

“Are you sure you’re out of broccoli? Maybe you have some in the back?”

The wo...

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A boss gets mad at his worker for arguing with a customer.

The boss says, "I saw you arguing with a customer. How many times do I have to tell you that the customer is always right!?"

The worker replies, "Of course, the customer is always right!"

"Then why were you arguing with that customer?"

"He said that my boss is a stupid idiot!"...

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Did you hear about the sex worker who specialised in kinky clients?

He had a big threesome set up. Didn't go very well though...
He got off on the wrong foot.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this

A boss gives an office worker a job to cut a stack of paper in half and leaves...

Half an hour passes and he returns. He wasn't pleased at what he saw.

"I gave you an order to cut the paper in half!"

"That's what I did but you didn't tell me which way," said the office worker, handing his boss sheets of paper twice as numerous but half as thick.

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

My archaeologist co-worker tried to blackmail me the other day

Turns out he got a lot of dirt on me.

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

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If a sex worker does their work entirely online...

... Can they be called an "Internet Service Provider?"

This is 40

Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. She was having a midwife crisis.

Corny joke from a warehouse worker.

Was loading semi trailers and it was raining like hell. Asked my team lead to step inside a trailer with me.

"Hey Billy, I keep hearing a weird noise every time I step in a trailer."

"What's it sound like?"

(While pointing at the roof) "It sounds like autotune."

"Autotune...

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

How many construction workers does it take to change a light bulb?

You need at least 4 people to figure out how to make this job last 3 months while the other 4 are on smoke break.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a blue collar worker?

Ask them to pronounce the word “unionized”

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

What do you call a retired UPS worker?

Post-age
(Sorry if repost)

Dave is a good worker

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it see...

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

The boss is scolding one of his recent hires.

"I'm not very pleased with your work so far," he said. "You work slowly, you think slowly and you move slowly. Is there anything you do fast?"

The worker says, "Of course boss, I get tired quickly!"

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Two sex workers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”

What do you call a group of kitchen workers?

Heard.

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A sex worker goes to the plastic surgeon...

...and says "Doctor, can you implant some pubic hair around my belly button?" The doctor asks "Yes, but why?" The sex worker replies "The work's been good, tryna start a franchise!"

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos.

The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's t...

An office worker went to a store to buy a new shirt,

the salesman asked the worker: can I offer you this Large shirt?

the office worker told him: no, I only wear excel.

3 construction workers on the Empire State Building are hanging lunch

The first guys opens his lunch box and finds his usual ham and cheese sandwich. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID HAM AND CHEESE IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

The second guy opens his lunch box and finds his usual BLT. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STU...

What’s the worst profession to have a really chatty patient?

Morgue worker

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night.

I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

I was once a Disneyland costume worker for a day because I took method acting "way too far."

I was told a little late that I needed to wear pants inside and outside the Donald Duck costume.

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Sex workers only get paid if they make a sale.

It's a commissionary position.

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

A construction worker walks into a bar.

After getting thoroughly wasted, he has to be carted away in an ambulance.

A month later, his immediate supervisor walks into the same bar. After he also gets thoroughly wasted, he also has to be carted away in an ambulance.

A month later, the construction foreman walks into the very s...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends...

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not fami...

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

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Did you hear about the sewerman who got fired?

He was a shit worker.

What's the difference between an ISIS K bomb maker and an Afghani aid worker?

How should I know I just fly the drone

Why did it take so long for the construction worker to propose?

He was building up to it.

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

My mom who’s a postal worker told me this joke.

A couple arrived at the hospital in labor. The doctors the tell wife and husband about a revolutionary new device. It can give some of the labor pain to the biological father. The couple agreed and as the doctors are turning on the machine. They tell the husband, look this is the worst pain you will...

How do you reduce the amount of workers' compensation claims by 25%?

Fire 50% of the workforce.

My co-worker disagreed when I said Median is the best average

He's a mean person!

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

A union worker goes to a brothel...

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you ...

A foreman of a factory was making his rounds inspecting how all of the workers were doing their jobs.

“Well," he said to one blond worker, "I see you are doing a very diligent job stamping all of the boxes 'THIS SIDE UP'."

"Yes," the worker replied, eager to please, "and just to be extra sure I stamped the bottom also!"

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