An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

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Did you hear about the sex worker who got Employee of the Month?

She did a really good fucking job.

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Three construction workers on a roof...

Three construction workers eat lunch together every day at the top of the building they work together on; one was Scottish, one was Chinese, one was Italian.

One day the Italian worker opened his lunch sighed, and said, “Ugh pasta. I am so sick of pasta. If I get pasta in my lunch one more t...

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

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What do you call sex workers in the far north?

Frostitutes

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Co worker 1:Maybe I should do a Kardashian...

Co worker 2: Kim?
Co worker 1: No. A sex tape with a random rapper.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

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What do you call a group of adult entertainment and sex workers?

A Pornucopia

-Would you call yourself a hard worker?

\-Absolutely! I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

How can you tell a construction worker from a chemist?

You ask him to pronounce “Unionized“

A co-worker of mine left their drink on my desk, again

I sent them a message on Slack to come pick it up, but for some reason they refused.

They just told me to drink it?

But, I won't.

That's just not my cup of tea.

A co worker asked me where Pakistan was today...

"He's outside with Paki Steve" I told him.

What did the asthmatic person say to the construction worker?

You're breathtaking.

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A man is caught naked at work by his co-worker.

"I can't believe this! Are you having sex with her?", his coworker exclaimed.


"She was just lying there naked. What was I supposed to do?", the man replied.


"The autopsy, you fucking moron!"


"Hey - don't tell me how to do my job!"


"You are the worst vet I'...

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job,

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

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What did the sewage worker say when he was working on new years?

I’m tired of last year’s shit

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I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

Did you hear Santa’s been kicking off at his workers again?

He’s got mental elf problems.

Alot of airport workers treat workplace sanitation very seriously.

Otherwise people could catch terminal illnesses.

There are three people who die and go to heaven: a teacher, construction worker, and a lawyer

St. Peter greets them and says "Here's the thing: heaven is becoming overcrowded, so in order to get in, you have to answer the one question I give you correctly. If you don't, you go to hell."

The teacher decides to go first; she walks up to St. Peter, and asks "What is my question?"

...

What is it called when a metal worker fixes metal objects with metal tools?

Irony.

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A lawyer, priest and social worker

A lawyer, priest and a social worker all on a sinking ship,
Social worker: save the children !!!
Lawyer: no ! Fuck the children !
The priest: ohh do you think we have time

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

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A mine owner advertised for new workers...

And three Guys turned up — an Irishman, a Italian, and a Japanese. The owner told the Irishman, “You’ll be in charge of the mining.” He tells the Italian, “You’ll be in charge of the lift.” He tells the Japanese, “You’ll be in charge of making sure we have supplies.” The next day the three men went ...

I asked a co-worker to come over late at night. She said she wanted to keep our relationship professional.

I said, "Okay, you can pay me."

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

What did the bridge say to the nervous iron worker?

Truss me.

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What do politicians and sex workers have in common?

They both get paid to screw you.

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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so th...

The shady workers behind the mexican restaurant,

Thats nacho business.

What’s a road worker’s favourite TV show?

Game of Cones

Why were the workers so bad at making houses?

They couldn't take constructive criticism.

"Sorry boss, i can't come to work today"

Boss: "Why?"

Worker: "I'm sick"

Boss: "Well what's wrong with you?"

Worker: "I'm watching my sister take a shower"

After weeks of small talk, I accidentally slept with my co-worker and it went terribly

Usually we take shifts but today bossman came over and we were both dozing off

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Constipated Construction Worker

“A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."



The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."



The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends ...

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There are three construction workers sitting on the 20th floor of a building...

As their legs hang off the side of the building, they open up their packed lunches. The first worker looks at his sandwich and says;

"Damn it! A ham sandwich again? If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm jumping off this building!"

The second worker opens his lunch and responds;

"Y...

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husban...

What do construction workers do at parties?

They raise the roof.

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

Did you hear the joke about the construction worker?

It was very riveting.

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

What do you call a goldsmith workers union?

A gild

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

A co-worker complained that he'd had two stepladders...

...but his assistants had lost them both. I said it was clear that they weren't ready to work in highly-placed positions.

A couple of blonde construction workers drove into a lumberyard.

One of them walked into the office and said,"We need some 4x2s"
The clerk said,"You mean 2x4s don't you?"
The man said "Let me go check," and went back to the truck.He soon returned and said "Yes,2x4s."
"Alright, how long do you need them?"
asked the clerk.
The man paused for a while ...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

A man and his son are walking by a recycling center when the son notices how forlorn all the workers seem to be.

“Dad, why do they all look so down?”

“Son, you would be too if you had to smash pop cans all day long. It’s soda pressing.”

Sorry

Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8 hour work day...

...I totally disagree, because it’s hard work trying to not get caught doing nothing by your boss.

What did the priest say to the retirement home worker?

“I know what you mean. Children aren’t very fast either.”

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

Why doesn’t scientology have any coal workers?

because sects with miners is illegal

What do unused chairs and bad office workers have in common?

They sit at a desk and do nothing all day.

A worker on the Titanic comes to the captain.

Worker: Sir we have hit an iceberg.

Captain: So?

Worker: I don't think you understand. Just let that sink in.

A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker ...

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

Told my co-worker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same.

So I turned on the air-conditioning.

Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

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What do you call a Italian sex worker

A pastitute

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Today at work my co workers made fun of me when I explained to them I'm constipated and that's why I was taking pills

I really couldn't give a shit.

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Sometimes I feel bad for sewage workers

They get shit from everybody

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

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A construction worker on the seventh floor of a building needs a handsaw

A construction worker working on the seventh floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and tries yelling that he needs a handsaw. The worker on the ground floor looks up, but because of the distance he can't make out what the worker on the seventh floor is say...

Where do one legged workers work?

Ihop

Did you know that all the employees of Thomas’ English Muffins are former embezzlers and child care workers?

They’re nothing but crooks and nannies

What do a construction worker and a cheating husband have in common?

They are both home wreckers

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”



The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”



“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

What did the construction worker say about his list of construction jokes?

Sorry I'm still working on it.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself...

We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial.

He was well koalafied.

Co-worker 1: "I got so drunk last night I blew chunks"

Co-worker 2: "Aww man that sucks, I've done that a few times in my day"

Co-worker 1: "You don't understand though, chunks is my dog.

My co-worker came up to me and said, "hey, you look so unapproachable"

I said, "Then why are you here?"

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If people whose last name is Mason came from stone workers and people with the last name Taylor came from tailors...

then I don't want to know what the Dickinson family used to do.

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

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Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?

She obviously didn't give a fuck.

A boss calls one of his workers into his office

He tells the worker "I've been working for a long time in the joke making business but I have never seen such funny jokes come out of some people so quickly." The worker agrees hoping for a promotion or even a raise. "But that does have it's drawbacks" continued the boss "the staplers and hole punch...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,

“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Sure enough, the manager te...

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An office worker reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a dildo. Sighing, he says:

"Some cunt's got my pen"

What is a construction workers favourite thing to do?

Site-seeing

My friends and co workers treat me like a god

They only talk to me when they need something.

How many Buzzfeed workers does it take to form a firing squad?

10. But number 5 will blow your mind!

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

There was a mystery involving an office worker and a small bag.

It was a brief case.

A worker was on a billboard.

He was putting up a new ad for the restaurant below it. This restaurant had come up with a clever new ad campaign and the worker was proud to be a part of it.

However, people started yelling at the worker from the ground, complaining that he was doing the restaurant a disservice with the ad h...

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Construction Worker working alone

A construction worker works by himself on the twentieth floor of a building being built. Everything is going fine, until one day he realizes he needs a hand saw. Not having one, the closest worker with one is on the first floor, and since they have not yet installed an elevator, and 20th floor guy w...

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What do you call a sex worker's fart?

A prosti-toot!

A union worker goes to a brothel...

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you ...

Worker: Why don't we stop testing our peoducts on animals?

Boss: What? Other companies test their shampoons on aninals.
Worker: Yeah, but we make hammers!

A factory worker is leaving with his wheelbarrow after a long workday.

On his way out, the worker is stopped by a security guard.

"What's in the box?" asks the guard.

"A box." replies the worker.

Annoyed, the guard says, "I know you have a small box. What's in the box?"

"Well, you know the sawdust on the floor is swept up and thrown away. W...

To all the unpaid federal workers...

Don't worry about your bills...Mexico is gonna pay for it!

Three co-workers happen to leave the bathroom at the same time.

Two of them noticed that the other didn't wash his hands and decide to confront him about it.

The first one tells him, "You need to wash your hands. When I was in public school I learned that there are germs everywhere that can cause us to get sick if we don't have good hygiene."

The s...

Two female co-workers are chatting it up

...and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year.

One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one i called 7up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.

The second one i called mountain dew, because when it c...

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A soviet artist is instructed to make a painting about soviet workers

He presents them a painting of what appears to be three naked African men, one of which has a white penis. He is asked by his commissioner. "What the hell is this," he is asked "They're actually coal miners who has finished working and were heading to the showers, I'll have you know!". "Okay, and wh...

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Nsfw, what's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer?

A sex worker can clean their crack and sell it again

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A Japanese sewage worker finished work in Tokyo and met up with some friends in a bar.

They get to talking about work, and one of them asks the Japanese guy;
"It must be hard work doing what you do, I don't think I could stand the smell!"

He replies; "yeah it is pretty bad."

"What about the guys you work with, are they good people?" One of them asks.

He admits...

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

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Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.

They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles and says ...

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

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Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

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The PornHub workers have one of the most riskiest jobs.

After all their jobs are NSFW.

What do you call a group of non-monogamous bloodsucking government workers?

Poly-ticks.

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

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My buddy is a sex worker and today he came home overjoyed that he made $104.25 that day

I asked, "Wait, who gave you the 25 cents?"

He says, "All of them!"

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Heard this joke from a co-worker (who had recently moved from Kinsale, Ireland), and I present it to you.

The Boys are sitting around outside Dan Murphy's pub, having a few jars, when Will perks up with *"You know boys, my wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and the next day she gave birth to twins."*

*"Isn't that odd,"* chirps in Sean McNamara, *"My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and th...

Why did Atlas win worker of the year?

Because he never drops the ball.

I just bought my co-worker a 'get better soon card'.

He's not sick, I just think he could really do better.

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