This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

It was a lot to process and the road ahead won't be easy,

but hey! At least I don't have cancer!!

What do Cancer, Love and dark jokes have in common?

Not everyone gets it

What's common between me and Cancer?

My mom stopped beating both last week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.

Capricorns are next.

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old

Two avid baseball fans dying of cancer have a discussion about the afterlife...

The first man says, "do you think they have baseball in heaven?"

The second man replies, "I don't know, but if one of us dies we need to come back and tell the other person if there is baseball in heaven."

The first man agrees and so ends their conversation.

After a few months t...

"Soldier, tell me what is the opposite of cancer."

"Can't, sir!"

Yesterday I beat cancer

Poor bald kid didn't even see me coming!

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

You know cancer sucks at first...

But it grows on you over time.

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

Doctor: "You have cancer."

Patient: "Let it know that it has two weeks to live."

Why was the eight year old cancer patient so excited for their birthday?

They were ready to benign

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

As of today, I am cancer free!!!

(I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)

Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer."

Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"

Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"

Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"

Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."

Why did the ghosts contract lung cancer?

They had a three Pac a day habit.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

Every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle

For instance, people with cancer are bald

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There is a new medical test to test for penile cancer.

You have to tickle the penis,

it's know as test-tickle .

What does prostate cancer patient have in common with a basketball player?

They both dribble

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the breast cancer survivor who got a tattoo??

It was a real tit for tat scenario.

Today my dad beat cancer.

By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?

I had breast cancer once...

Those were some bad mammaries.

I've made it my life's mission to eliminate all Cancers.

Then Virgos. Then Scorpios. And finally, the Capricorns.

(Me playing Quiplash with my friend who has cancer): What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My friend: Uhh... what?

Me: You won’t beat me!

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

I used to hate cancer

But it really grew on me.

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend

His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

Did you hear about the man with prostate cancer?

Yeah, I heard he was a total ;

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

A woman visits the doctor...

As she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How babies are made

A 10 year old girl asks her mom “how was I born?” The mother smiles and replies “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves. And in a few ...

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

I told my wife she looks better with her hair back

She explained "that's not how cancer works"

A 75 year old person goes to the doctor.

Doctor: We've received your reports. And I have a very bad news for you. You have Cancer and Alzheimer!

Patient: Oh! Well... At least, I don't have Cancer!

what’s black and eats ass?

prostate cancer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was dying of cancer in his late 80s.

When the time came and he had just few hours left, he was in his bed and asked his wife Marry if she was by his side. She answered “yes darling”.

“Marry do you remember when we were in our teens and the Second World War started, you were by my side.”

“Yes I was” replied Marry

“A...

Did you hear the one about that kid who lied about having brain cancer for awards and upvotes?...

Apparently he hasn't heard the concept of "karma"

[OC] Horoscope Compatibility

As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :

Aries - Cancer

Taurus - Cancer

Gemini - Cancer

Cancer - Cancer

Leo - Cancer

Virgo - Cancer

Libra - Cancer

Scorpio - Cancer

Sagittarius - Cance...

A Joke

A guy goes to the doctors office for an appointment...

The doctors starts off with bad news,

Doctor: (to the patient) Ok, I have two bits of bad news.

Patient: Ok what is it?

Doctor: One, you have Cancer.

Patient: Oh god no that’s pretty bad! What’s number two?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Young Man Went to his Doctor for a Routine Checkup

When he came in for the results, the doctor said gravely “Tom, I think you’d better sit down. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

“All right doc” said Tom. “Give me the bad news first.”

“You’ve got cancer,” said the doctor. “Brain cancer. It’s spreading incredibly fast, it’s t...

Doctor: I’m afraid you have cancer and alzheimer’s

Man: Doc, what’s alzheimer’s?



Doctor: it’s a disease that slowly destroys your memory and mental function. I understand this can be rough to go through and we have resources for you if you need them.


Man: Well at least i don’t have cancer

What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common?

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

The doctor says, "I have bad news, You have Cancer, and Alzheimer's Disease."

The patient says, "Well at least I don't have Cancer."

Do you know why the cookie went to the doctor? BECAUSE HE FELT CRUMMY! AH-HAHAHA! Do you know why the cookie went back to the doctor?

Cancer. Stage 4 cancer.

In a parallel universe, mouse scientists just cured cancer!

But alas it only works in lab humans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19...

Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!

So my doctor asked me what my zodiac sign was, and I told him "Cancer"



He replied with, "Oh! What a coincidence!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've decided to stop going to my doctor now I've found out he's into astrology

I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was "I've consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus".

Guys I just beat Cancer!

I really need a better nickname for my kids.

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Every Zodiac sign has a haircut . . .

Except Cancer (in honor of my dad who lost his hair to chemo!)

What do you call a dyslexic Jedi with cancer?

Leuk.

[First date] Her: So what do you do?

Him: I’m working on eliminating all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Next, I’ll move on to Capricorns.

I saw a Facebook post from an old friend the other day

He’d been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. He’d been a smoker all his life so I wasn’t too surprised. Everyone was commenting on the post and wishing him well, but I decided to go out of my way to show him I really cared. First, I called the local market and had them send a basket of pears to ...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beating Cancer’s Stupid Ass

Who is Alex Trebek?

I just learned that some teas cause cancer

But that's a Brisk im willing to take

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

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