UPJOKE
leukemialung cancerchemotherapyobesitytobaccodiseaseinfectionbreast cancersurgeryvirusalcoholprostate cancerliver cancertumorpneumonia

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

Dark humour is like a child with cancer.

It never gets old.

whats good about stage 4 cancer?

there is no stage 5

Doctor says: "I have bad news. You have Cancer and Alzheimer."

Patient says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

what is the difference between me and a cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

I used to hate cancer.

But recently, it's been growing on me.

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

It is not cancer.

It is personal growth.

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Everyone tells you that smoking causes cancer…

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon!

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

What do cancer and the news have in common

White blood Sells

Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer…

“I’m scared” I replied

“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

Pls don’t roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

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What is a prostitute with cancer?

A limited edition

What kind of cancer does fruit get?

Melon-oma

How did the thrifter get lung cancer?

By breathing in second-hand smoke

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...

How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

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I just found out testicular cancer runs in our family…

Which means even our balls grow a pair!

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

why did the anarchist die of cancer?

he didn't get a prostate exam.

We are going to operate on Mike tonight for his stomach cancer.

Today is open Mike night.

I believe every Zodiac sign has its own signature hairstyle.

Except Cancer.

I lost a friend to cancer today.

He didn’t die, he just didn’t appreciate the nick name Tumour Rick.

I'm cancer free!

Now I'm dating a girl with different zodiac sign.

A woman sees her doctor about ongoing abdominal pain and cramps.

She's nervous during the examination, fearing that she may be pregnant. The doctor brings back her test results and says, "It looks like you'll have to get used to changing diapers from now on."

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant?" she asks, nearly in tears. "Am I pregnant?"

The doctor replies, ...

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

Twelve signs that you're an idiot:

1. Aries,
2. Taurus,
3. Gemini,
4. Cancer,
5. Leo,
6. Virgo,
7. Libra,
8. Scorpio,
9. Sagittarius,
10. Capricorn,
11. Aquarius, and
12. Pisces

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Astrology is bunk.

I'm Sagittarius, but everyone says I'm a Cancer

An old guy goes to the doctor

The doctor examines him and says: "Well my friend, you have cancer and alzheimer's disease.

The old guy says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

I think I need a new doctor. Mine can't even get my star sign right.

I'm a sagittarius, but he said I have cancer

A horse walks into a bar

And the bartender asked "why the long face?"

The horse said, well, it has been a really bad day. Around 10 years ago, I married a pony, the absolute love of my life. She just passed away at the hospital from throat cancer. I'm on my way back home and I just came in for a few drinks to ease th...

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous

Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

I kicked the big C to the curb!

And after leaving my wife, I beat cancer too!

My friend is a smoker and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.

A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.

He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting doctor.

Interrupting doc…

You have cancer.

I don't know why it's said they lose the battle with cancer when someone dies from it

I mean, at the moment of death, both you AND cancer ceases to live, thats a draw.

Rip Norm.

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

What did the neckbeard say to cancer?

M'lignant

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

A guy walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista “If I make you laugh, I get free coffee.”

The barista, feeling generous, says “Sure, if you make me laugh, your coffee’s on me!”

The guy says “Ok, this one’s hilarious: What did Timmy want for his birthday?”

The barista says “I don’t know, what did he want?”

“Parents.”

There was dead silence from the barista.
...

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Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

I need jokes!!!

I come here needing all of your help!!!

I have a close friend who recently discovered he has cancer. He has been down in the dumps the last few days, so i cracked a cancer joke and it instantly made his day. I told him i will have a cancer joke everyday for him.

So i need you all t...

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it

Now I just have a ;

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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

Walt Disney's body wasn't frozen after he died.

Contrary to popular legend, it was only his head that was cryogenically frozen after he succumbed to lung cancer, having been a heavy smoker.

Years later a friend requested that Walt be thawed out so that he could see how he was doing. Apparently old habits die hard, because the first thing ...

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?

Colon cancer.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

I don't think my doctor went to medical school

He keeps insisting I have cancer, no matter how many times I tell him I'm a scorpio

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Professor of Logic: Norm Macdonald

Just the other week I had someone move next to me. Original neighbor died of cancer about a three month ago. So as the great neighbor I am I go to greet my new neighbor I say “Hey there uhh neighbor just dropping by to say hello, say what do you do for a living?”

He says “Nice to meet you. Im...

You know cancer sucks at first...

But it grows on you over time.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

This really happened

A guy bumps into a friend. The friend looks very troubled.

Guy : What on earth is wrong!

Friend : Just been to see the doctor, he says I've got ' The Big C '

Guy : Cancer ?

Friend : No, no - Dyslexia

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

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