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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

It was a lot to process and the road ahead won't be easy,

but hey! At least I don't have cancer!!

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

You know cancer sucks at first...

But it grows on you over time.

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Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

What did the neckbeard say to cancer?

M'lignant

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

What do Cancer, Love and dark jokes have in common?

Not everyone gets it

What's common between me and Cancer?

My mom stopped beating both last week.

As of today, I am cancer free!!!

(I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)

Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer."

Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"

Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"

Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"

Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."

What kind of treatment does Pikachu seek when he gets cancer?

Pokemotherapy

Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers.

Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

I plan to eliminate all Cancers

Then I’ll move on to Virgos

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Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

"Soldier, tell me what is the opposite of cancer."

"Can't, sir!"

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Two avid baseball fans dying of cancer have a discussion about the afterlife...

The first man says, "do you think they have baseball in heaven?"

The second man replies, "I don't know, but if one of us dies we need to come back and tell the other person if there is baseball in heaven."

The first man agrees and so ends their conversation.

After a few months t...

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend

His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

One way to start the day.

I was washing my face this morning when I noticed that one of my nostrils was bleeding. It could be the sign of a heat stroke or third-stage lung cancer. Who nose.

Why was the eight year old cancer patient so excited for their birthday?

They were ready to benign

(Me playing Quiplash with my friend who has cancer): What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My friend: Uhh... what?

Me: You won’t beat me!

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

What does prostate cancer patient have in common with a basketball player?

They both dribble

I used to hate cancer

But it really grew on me.

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Did you hear the one about the breast cancer survivor who got a tattoo??

It was a real tit for tat scenario.

Yesterday I beat cancer

Poor bald kid didn't even see me coming!

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

Why did the ghosts contract lung cancer?

They had a three Pac a day habit.

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

“Give it to me straight, doc,” he pleads. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten what? Months? Days? Years?” The patient cries.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the doctor continues. “That was...

Today my dad beat cancer.

By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

I had breast cancer once...

Those were some bad mammaries.

I've made it my life's mission to eliminate all Cancers.

Then Virgos. Then Scorpios. And finally, the Capricorns.

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

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There is a new medical test to test for penile cancer.

You have to tickle the penis,

it's know as test-tickle .

Every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle

For instance, people with cancer are bald

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

“I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first?” Says the doctor

Patient: “Ugh... the bad first.. go.”

Doctor: “OK you have terminal cancer and you’ll probably die in a week”

Patient: “Oh damn wtf, what’s the GOOD NEWS??”

Doctor: “Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she’s interested on me”

Brother-in-law: "Some guy on my work training, his wife has terminal cancer"

My brain: "sudo apt remove cancer"


(my daughter started school this week so I have been more tired than usual)

Funny, that you can detect colorectal cancer and fascism with the same procedure

a "pro state exam"

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

Did you hear about the man with prostate cancer?

Yeah, I heard he was a total ;

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Cancer.

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common?

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have cancer and alzheimer’s

Man: Doc, what’s alzheimer’s?



Doctor: it’s a disease that slowly destroys your memory and mental function. I understand this can be rough to go through and we have resources for you if you need them.


Man: Well at least i don’t have cancer

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Did you hear the one about that kid who lied about having brain cancer for awards and upvotes?...

Apparently he hasn't heard the concept of "karma"

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

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A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

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Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

In a parallel universe, mouse scientists just cured cancer!

But alas it only works in lab humans

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

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