A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”


His roommate replies, “Canadian.”


Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”


The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”


Another week...

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

I dont know why people keep saying this cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night I had sex with an orphan that has cancer.

Well, technically he has AIDS now too.

[My buddy just challenged me to come with the most fucked up joke I could think of in 5 minutes. This was it.]

A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer

“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”

“Seven,” says the doctor.

“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”

“Six, ” says the doctor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

Made a joke about a old man with heart cancer

It fell flat fast

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife got diagnosed with breast cancer

I told her it couldn't be that bad and she lost her tits.

I helped a kid with cancer one time

He wanted me to unplug his life support machine

A boyfriend paid a visit to his cancer-stricken girlfriend in the hospital.

"How are you babe?" He asked

"Good, can you do something for me?"


"Give me the bucket I feel like throwing up" she said.

So he gave her the bucket which was right beside the hospital bed and his girlfriend threw up in it.

"Do you love me?" She asked afte...

So I walked into he doctor’s office

He said : “Pick a star sign any star sign.”

I said : “Capricorn”

And he said : “Nah you got cancer”

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

I hooked up with this chick who had part of her breast amputated after surviving breast cancer.

She was a hoot and a half.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said “No”.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

A doctor recently told me that I have cancer and now he's saying that I also have dementia.

At least I don't have cancer.

I wasn't a fan of this whole cancer thing

But it's grown on me.

A coach is watching one of his players run laps on the track.

Coach: “You’re almost done kid! Just tumor!”

Kid: “I don’t think I cancer.”

Women with flaws are like cancer

They tend to grow on you

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

I got cancer and started to tell funny jokes...

It gave me a sense of tumor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I named my dick cancer.

Because whenever someone gets it, they will do anything to get it out of their life.

So a French man was diagnosed with lung Cancer and only have 2 months to live.

He didn't want to die leaving his familly with no money, so he decided to rob the federal bank. When he told his friend about his plan, tha latter asked why was he doing something so dangerous for the sake of his familly.

The guy replied ''I've got nothing Toulouse!''

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.


She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Me to my friend : I am happy everyone doesn't have cancer.

Epic games : Hold my beer

What kind of cancer do gnomes get?

Written by Ruby, age 7 (almost 8). Surprisingly dark.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer...

So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...


Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

What's the difference between homeless people and cancer?

Cancer got Jobs.

Hey girl, are you cancer?

Because you give me constant growth.

I hope all girls get cancer

As their Zodiac Sign because that would make the perfect match for me

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend told me yesterday that if you eat cow feces you grow an immunity to cancer

But that's bull shit

I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

What do you call a goth kid with cancer?


Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer

...her autopsy results revealed.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

Why do Breast Cancer survivors not like to talk about their treatment of the cancer?

It brings them bad mammaries.

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.

Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.

All the anti gravity experiments I conducted gave my son terminal cancer

It was incredibly hard to put him down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between an egg, cancer and a blow job? NSFW

You can beat an egg, you can beat cancer but you just can’t beat a blow job.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

They say that height could be a cancer risk

Sounds like a tall story to me

How did Lois Lane get breast cancer?

Being xrayed too many times.

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

My wife asked me to pray for her mother's cancer, and to be fair, God answered my prayer.

She died.

I used to really hate the term "cancer"

...but it grew on me.

Every ten minutes someone somewhere is told they have breast cancer

They probably heard the first time. No need to keep rubbing it in.

My father is the strongest, most stoic person I've ever met. I've never seen him cry in my life even when he was fighting cancer. I took him to the dentist and when he's done he came out weeping like a baby. I asked him, "Dad, what happened?"

And he said, "The dentist gave me fillings."

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