Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

My grandmother's star sign is Cancer, and last week she was sadly diagnosed with...

Crabs...

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

Pixar finally made a movie for kids with cancer

It’s called Finding Chemo

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

They say cancers hard to beat

But it only took me a month to get to stage 4.

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is diagnosed with testicular cancer

After a routine check-up, Mike was discovered to have a massive tumour in his ballsack and his life was turned upside down. His girlfriend broke up with him when she heard and he lost his job as a pornstar, when his empolyer heard about his cancer. After a few months of chemo, and no improvements to...

The doctors think I might have cancer, and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow afternoon.

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

If you make jokes about cancer

You completely lack a sense of tumor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”

“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when sh...

A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer

“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”

“Seven,” says the doctor.

“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”

“Six, ” says the doctor.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

I just got the news that my dad’s cancer is in remission

But I’m still hopeful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?".

"Yes,we saved them for you in a jar under your pillow."

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

My dream is to eradicate all Cancers..

And then I can work on Libras..

So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

I hope all girls have cancer

As their zodiac sign because they’d be a perfect match for me.

I’m really starting to get along with my skin cancer

You could say it’s really growing on me

So I walked into he doctor’s office

He said : “Pick a star sign any star sign.”

I said : “Capricorn”

And he said : “Nah you got cancer”

A doctor recently told me that I have cancer and now he's saying that I also have dementia.

At least I don't have cancer.

Scientist begin testing cancer treamtnents in lions.

It’s going well, until one day a scientist checks in with the feline that had been receiving chemotherapy, and realized that it’s missing. She freaks out, but one of her colleagues says “Don’t panic just yet,” and throws a rib eye into the lion’s cage. Instantly, the lion seems to materialize from n...

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

A boyfriend paid a visit to his cancer-stricken girlfriend in the hospital.

"How are you babe?" He asked

"Good, can you do something for me?"

"Anything"

"Give me the bucket I feel like throwing up" she said.

So he gave her the bucket which was right beside the hospital bed and his girlfriend threw up in it.

"Do you love me?" She asked afte...

What's it called when a cantaloupe gets cancer?

Melonoma.

I helped a kid with cancer one time

He wanted me to unplug his life support machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight?

Developing cancer.

My grandfather developed cancer when he was a young man.

He’s widely known as the most evil scientist that ever lived.

Made a joke about a old man with heart cancer

It fell flat fast

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife got diagnosed with breast cancer

I told her it couldn't be that bad and she lost her tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my dick cancer.

Because whenever someone gets it, they will do anything to get it out of their life.

Women with flaws are like cancer

They tend to grow on you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.



She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer...

So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.

I wasn't a fan of this whole cancer thing

But it's grown on me.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

So a French man was diagnosed with lung Cancer and only have 2 months to live.

He didn't want to die leaving his familly with no money, so he decided to rob the federal bank. When he told his friend about his plan, tha latter asked why was he doing something so dangerous for the sake of his familly.

The guy replied ''I've got nothing Toulouse!''

Me to my friend : I am happy everyone doesn't have cancer.

Epic games : Hold my beer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's black and eats pussy?

Cervical cancer.

What's the difference between homeless people and cancer?

Cancer got Jobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

Hey girl, are you cancer?

Because you give me constant growth.

What kind of cancer do gnomes get?

Mela-gnome-a
Written by Ruby, age 7 (almost 8). Surprisingly dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me yesterday that if you eat cow feces you grow an immunity to cancer

But that's bull shit

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