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Cancer Jokes

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer…

“I’m scared” I replied

“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

Pls don’t roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

I used to hate cancer.

But recently, it's been growing on me.

It is not cancer.

It is personal growth.

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

what's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

Doctor says: "I have bad news. You have Cancer and Alzheimer."

Patient says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

A man with terminal cancer asked his wife if she had ever been unfaithful

She said she had been three times, so he asked when. The first time was when they first bought a house and they needed money so she slept with a rich person.

He understood since they needed the money to get by. The second time was when he wanted to start his business so she slept with another...

How does a lawyer get rid of their cancer?

They write a cease and de-cyst.

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I just found out my friend who's dying of cancer also has an Oedipus complex.

He's one sick motherfucker.

Dark Humor is like Cancer

Not everyone gets it

Everyone tells you that smoking causes cancer…

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon!

What do cancer and the news have in common

White blood Sells

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

Chuck Norris had cancer

The cancer died from Chuck Norris.

What’s the best vitamin for cancer patients?

B9

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...

How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

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I just found out testicular cancer runs in our family…

Which means even our balls grow a pair!

We are going to operate on Mike tonight for his stomach cancer.

Today is open Mike night.

Twelve signs that you're an idiot:

1. Aries,
2. Taurus,
3. Gemini,
4. Cancer,
5. Leo,
6. Virgo,
7. Libra,
8. Scorpio,
9. Sagittarius,
10. Capricorn,
11. Aquarius, and
12. Pisces

I lost a friend to cancer today.

He didn’t die, he just didn’t appreciate the nick name Tumour Rick.

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

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A man goes to the doctor…

After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."

"The first is that you have cancer."

Guy goes "Well shit. What's the other bad news?"

Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."

Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

How did the anarchist die?

From pro-state cancer

How did the thrifter get lung cancer?

By breathing in second-hand smoke

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

They said beating cancer was hard, and lucky

But im already on stage \*4\*

I'm cancer free!

Now I'm dating a girl with different zodiac sign.

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

Did you know that every Zodiac sign has its own hairstyle?

For example, bald is Cancer.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

Me: “Double it and give it to the next person.”

Doctor: “I’m sorry, Sir, but that’s not how cancer works.”

I was talking to him about zodiacs

I said “my mother is a Leo, that’s why she has her stubborn pride. She has the lion in her.

My father is a Taurus. That’s why he’s a well grounded individual. He has the bull in him.”

Anyway, after hearing me speak, my doctor looked at the results and said, “So, I’m guessing you’re Can...

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous

Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

Finally finished my chemotherapy!

Cancer can go suck my ball

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

I don't know why it's said they lose the battle with cancer when someone dies from it

I mean, at the moment of death, both you AND cancer ceases to live, thats a draw.

Rip Norm.

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it

Now I just have a ;

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

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Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

Which doctor sees cancer patients at 3am?

The on-call-ogist.

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

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PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer...

So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.

Astrology is bunk.

I'm Sagittarius, but everyone says I'm a Cancer

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

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