This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

Dark humour is like a child with cancer

It never gets old.

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

what's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad never beat cancer

I used to not like cancer humor

But it's grown on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

I used to hate cancer.

But recently, it's been growing on me.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous

Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

It is not cancer.

It is personal growth.

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it

Now I just have a ;

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

Not sure why people say cancer is such a tough fight...

I'm already on stage 4

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

You know cancer sucks at first...

But it grows on you over time.

What do Cancer, Love and dark jokes have in common?

Not everyone gets it

[OFFENSIVE?]They said beating cancer was hard, and lucky

But im already on stage *4*

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers.

Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?

Colon cancer.

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

What's common between me and Cancer?

My mom stopped beating both last week.

What did the neckbeard say to cancer?

M'lignant

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”
Pt: “Give me the worse news first”
Dr: “You have cancer”
Pt: “Oh no! What’s the bad news?”
Dr: “You also have Alzheimer’s”
Pt: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

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The luck of the Irish.

An apology from Belfast General Hospital......

Dear Mr. Murphy.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation....

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

My doctor told me I have Prostate Cancer

I laughed at him.

“Clearly you don’t understand. I’m an anarchist.”

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

I plan to eliminate all Cancers

Then I’ll move on to Virgos

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

Why was the eight year old cancer patient so excited for their birthday?

They were ready to benign

so there's two guys drinking, right?

And the first guy noticed the second guy was wearing an "I survived cancer, and all I got was this shirt" shirt

And he was like "oh, I didnt know you lived through cancer"

And the second guy said "oh, well I didnt, my brother gave it to me"

And the first guy responded to this, w...

Doctor: "You have cancer."

Patient: "Let it know that it has two weeks to live."

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

"Soldier, tell me what is the opposite of cancer."

"Can't, sir!"

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.


Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend

His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

What kind of cancer does a battery get?

TERMINAL

A man walks into a doctor's office ...

The doctor tells him "Pick a star sign, any star sign"

The man said "Capricorn"

The doctor replies "Nah you got cancer"

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

I've made it my life's mission to eliminate all Cancers.

Then Virgos. Then Scorpios. And finally, the Capricorns.

(Me playing Quiplash with my friend who has cancer): What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My friend: Uhh... what?

Me: You won’t beat me!

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

"I'm not a doctor

But if you die...The cancer dies at the same time. So that's not a loss.. That's a draw"

- RIP Norm MacDonald

Today my dad beat cancer.

By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looked at her and said, "Becky, many years ago we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

Doctor Joke Number 1

Doctor what did you say i had? Aries or Pisces?

Cancer sir, you have Cancer.

Doctor: "what's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "I'm a cancer, why?"

Doctor: "oh, what a coincidence!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new medical test to test for penile cancer.

You have to tickle the penis,

it's know as test-tickle .

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

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