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Cancer Jokes

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

I used to hate cancer.

But recently, it's been growing on me.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer…

“I’m scared” I replied

“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

Pls don’t roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

Pixar finally made a movie for kids with cancer

It’s called Finding Chemo

It is not cancer.

It is personal growth.

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

Chuck Norris had cancer

The cancer died from Chuck Norris.

Everyone knows smoking causes cancer

But have you heard it can also cure salmon?

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

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I just found out testicular cancer runs in our family…

Which means even our balls grow a pair!

What do dark jokes and kids with cancer have in common?

They never get old.

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

Stop letting yourself be bothered by cancer jokes.

Eventually they just grow on you.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

I lost a friend to cancer today.

He didn’t die, he just didn’t appreciate the nick name Tumour Rick.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous

Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

Yesterday I beat cancer

Poor bald kid didn't even see me coming!

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

What do cancer and the news have in common

White blood Sells

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

Today I'm cancer free!

And all the days before that, but it still counts.

How did the thrifter get lung cancer?

By breathing in second-hand smoke

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

I'm cancer free!

Now I'm dating a girl with different zodiac sign.

A man with terminal cancer asked his wife if she had ever been unfaithful

She said she had been three times, so he asked when. The first time was when they first bought a house and they needed money so she slept with a rich person.

He understood since they needed the money to get by. The second time was when he wanted to start his business so she slept with another...

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A man is dying of cancer...

But he tells everyone he's dying of aids

His son asks him why.

He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

We are going to operate on Mike tonight for his stomach cancer.

Today is open Mike night.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

You know cancer sucks at first...

But it grows on you over time.

Doctor: Unfortunately sir, we had to remove part of your colon due to the cancer

Me. Oh my gosh

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

why did the anarchist die of cancer?

he didn't get a prostate exam.

Which doctor sees cancer patients at 3am?

The on-call-ogist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

I had breast cancer once...

Those were some bad mammaries.

My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died...

She got eaten by a giant crab

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My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

How does a lawyer get rid of their cancer?

They write a cease and de-cyst.

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...

How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

(Me playing Quiplash with my friend who has cancer): What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My friend: Uhh... what?

Me: You won’t beat me!

An old man goes to the doctor for his annual head-to-toe checkup.

The doctor comes in with a folder full of test results and says, “I’ve got two major concerns.” The old man says, “Ok doc, let’s hear it.” Doctor says, “Well, as you know we ran a full body MRI, and we discovered that most of your major organs are riddled with cancer.” “Oh no!” the old man exclaims....

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Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer

“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”

“Seven,” says the doctor.

“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”

“Six, ” says the doctor.

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

I plan to eliminate all Cancers

Then I’ll move on to Virgos

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

So I beat cancer today...

That’ll teach them to believe in horoscopes

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

Today my dad beat cancer.

By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?

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