UPJOKE
leukemialung cancerchemotherapyobesitytobaccodiseaseinfectionbreast cancersurgeryvirusalcoholprostate cancerliver cancertumorpneumonia

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

Not sure why people say cancer is such a tough fight...

I'm already on stage 4

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

it never gets old

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

A guy walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista “If I make you laugh, I get free coffee.”

The barista, feeling generous, says “Sure, if you make me laugh, your coffee’s on me!”

The guy says “Ok, this one’s hilarious: What did Timmy want for his birthday?”

The barista says “I don’t know, what did he want?”

“Parents.”

There was dead silence from the barista.
...

I used to hate cancer.

But recently, it's been growing on me.

It is not cancer.

It is personal growth.

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous

Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

I lost a friend to cancer today.

He didn’t die, he just didn’t appreciate the nick name Tumour Rick.

I don't know why it's said they lose the battle with cancer when someone dies from it

I mean, at the moment of death, both you AND cancer ceases to live, thats a draw.

Rip Norm.

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’

'All right,' the Irishman replied, 'but we won't get much done.'

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

Why did the anarchist die from cancer?

>!His values didn't allow him to do a prostate exam.!<

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

What did the neckbeard say to cancer?

M'lignant

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

My thoughts on zodiac signs

Like I don’t mind them in general, but I hate it when people bring them up all the time.


So this one time I called my friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.


He said, “No dude, I can’t, I have cancer.”

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Two old women are talking to each other.

One says "I think I have cancer, I found 2 lumps under my breasts". The other replies "oh you old hag, it's not cancer honey, those are your kneecaps!"

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it

Now I just have a ;

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers.

Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

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Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

Nappies.

A thirty-year-old woman goes to the doctor because she isn't feeling too good, the doctor examines her and says, "I hope you are ready to change nappies.?" The woman says, "Oh my God, Am I pregnant.?" The doctor says, "No, you have bowel cancer."

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My Favorite Joke (NSFW)

What's green and has 23 tits?






The trash can behind a Cancer Clinic.

Hunters

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I do...

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

You know cancer sucks at first...

But it grows on you over time.

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

What do Cancer, Love and dark jokes have in common?

Not everyone gets it

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

Doctor: I have two bits of bad news for you..

- What are they?
- First, your tests show that you are suffering from Alzheimers
- Ouch! What's the other?
- The tests also show that you've got prostate cancer.
- Well at least I don't have Alzheimers.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

My barber is big into astrology, and told me that every zodiac sign corresponds to a certain hairstyle, except for one

Cancer.

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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

Alzheimer's

"Hey doc, what are the results?"

"I have two bad news. The first: you have cancer. The second: you have Alzheimer's"

"Thank God it's not cancer.

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?

Colon cancer.

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.



The bartender says: "Why the long face?"



The horse replies: "I just found out my wife has cancer."

My doctor told me I have Prostate Cancer

I laughed at him.

“Clearly you don’t understand. I’m an anarchist.”

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

Doctor: "You have cancer."

Patient: "Let it know that it has two weeks to live."

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

I plan to eliminate all Cancers

Then I’ll move on to Virgos

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

What kind of cancer does a battery get?

TERMINAL

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

"Soldier, tell me what is the opposite of cancer."

"Can't, sir!"

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

What do anarchists die of?

Pro-state cancer

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

(Me playing Quiplash with my friend who has cancer): What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My friend: Uhh... what?

Me: You won’t beat me!

Today my dad beat cancer.

By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

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