I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

You know cancer sucks at first...

But it grows on you over time.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

Do you have brain cancer?

Just stop having brain cancer! It's all in your head!

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

As of today, I am cancer free!!!

(I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous

Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

Not sure why people say cancer is such a tough fight...

I'm already on stage 4

[OFFENSIVE?]They said beating cancer was hard, and lucky

But im already on stage *4*

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

What do Cancer, Love and dark jokes have in common?

Not everyone gets it

Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer."

Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"

Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"

Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"

Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."

What do you call Pickle Rick with cancer?

Tumeric

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

What's common between me and Cancer?

My mom stopped beating both last week.

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

What did the neckbeard say to cancer?

M'lignant

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.

I was his friend for life.

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers.

Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

I plan to eliminate all Cancers

Then I’ll move on to Virgos

How did the airport die?

From terminal cancer.

A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

I went to the doctor and, he said, "Pick a star sign?" Any star sign?

I said, "Capricorn."

He said, "No, you've got Cancer."

A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend

His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

Doctor: "what's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "I'm a cancer, why?"

Doctor: "oh, what a coincidence!"

A stranger comes up and sits on the chair besides me.

"My week has been horrible," he says.

"What happened?" I asked.

"It only gets worse and worse for each day," he says,.

"Tell me about it."

"On Monday I was fired," he said.

"On Tuesday I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me."

"On Wednsday my parents d...

"Soldier, tell me what is the opposite of cancer."

"Can't, sir!"

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

What do you call a cancer patient who has colon cancer, but only a little bit?

A semicolon cancer patient.

They say smoking causes cancer

But it cures salmon

I've made it my life's mission to eliminate all Cancers.

Then Virgos. Then Scorpios. And finally, the Capricorns.

A Trip to the Doctor

The doctor says to the old man "I'm sorry, you have cancer, and Alzheimers..."



The old man says "Thank god I don't have cancer!"

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

What does prostate cancer patient have in common with a basketball player?

They both dribble

I used to hate cancer

But it really grew on me.

Why was the eight year old cancer patient so excited for their birthday?

They were ready to benign

I had breast cancer once...

Those were some bad mammaries.

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?

He was an on-call-ogist

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

I had really bad acid reflux

So I went to the doctor and it was not a big deal but they were able to find early onset cancer. Thank GERD they were able to catch it before it got much worse!

(Me playing Quiplash with my friend who has cancer): What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My friend: Uhh... what?

Me: You won’t beat me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Farmer On His Death Bed

An old farmer was lying on his death bed, his doting, loyal wife by his side, holding his hand.

"You've always been there for me. Remember when we were courting, my car's handbrake failed and I broke my leg? You were there.

"And remember when I sliced off three of my fingers with the ...

Why can’t you smoke at airports?

Cause it gives you terminal cancer.

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”

Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new medical test to test for penile cancer.

You have to tickle the penis,

it's know as test-tickle .

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Today my dad beat cancer.

By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

Brother-in-law: "Some guy on my work training, his wife has terminal cancer"

My brain: "sudo apt remove cancer"


(my daughter started school this week so I have been more tired than usual)

Funny, that you can detect colorectal cancer and fascism with the same procedure

a "pro state exam"

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

Did you hear about the man with prostate cancer?

Yeah, I heard he was a total ;

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Doctor visit

A man went to see his doctor for a physical. As the lab results came in the doctor said, "I have your lab results. Don't mind me asking sir, but what's your zodiac sign?" The patient said his zodiac sign is cancer. The doctor said, "well what a coincidence"...

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

“Give it to me straight, doc,” he pleads. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten what? Months? Days? Years?” The patient cries.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the doctor continues. “That was...

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

One way to start the day.

I was washing my face this morning when I noticed that one of my nostrils was bleeding. It could be the sign of a heat stroke or third-stage lung cancer. Who nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

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