A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Who collects the souls of people who die while fixing things?

The Grim Repair.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

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I have an old soul, the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child and the body of a stripper.

And that completes my basement collection of human body parts.

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

I’m the life and soul of my workplace

I work in a morgue

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

Simps: The soul of a girl is the best part

People with footfetish: Finally something we agree on

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

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Golden British humour!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist
&
Dr. Jones was a Proctologist (related to colon, anus)


They put u...

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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A priest, a doctor and redditor

A priest, a doctor and a redditor are waiting at a bus stop one evening. A man comes around the corner with a baseball bat and proceeds to scream at and hit each lamp post as he goes, except for one old lamp post at the end of the road which he places his hand on and smiles.

The priest shake...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

They had a Ginger Lives Matter protest today

There was not a soul.

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Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to hell.

When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!

The Virgin Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"

"Yes," fum...

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A man and his wife were face to face with the devil

He told them, u will make any bet with me, if I win I take both of your souls, if you win, you go free

The husband instantly knew the bet he could make

He told the devil "I bet you can't give me a blowjob better than my wife"

The wife was confused along with the devil

The...

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

A blonde, redhead and brunette die and God appears before them

Mesmerized by their beauty (yes, he didn't create them ffs) he gives them a challenge. "For each step you take on the staircase to heaven, I will tell a dark joke. If you laugh, then you will fall straight to hell. Otherwise, despite all your sins, I will let you enter the gates of heaven".

A...

How much does a satanist's soul weigh?

A pentagram.

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Death comes to collect a man’s soul.

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party. Death tells the man why he has come.

The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.

The man sadly agrees but asks death if he...

There are two nuns. Ones praying, the other is taking a bath.

One has hope in her soul. The other has soap in her hole.

There once was a sailor from Brighton

Who said to his gal, "You're a tight 'un."

She said, "Upon my soul!

You're in the wrong hole!

There's plenty of room in the right 'un"

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Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

My last girlfriend told me something so horrible that I cried three weeks straights and still have nightmares with her saying those horrible words that hurt my soul so bad

She said I was too sensitive.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

The Case of the Missing Harvest

Every year, the creatures of the forest gathered nuts and other snacks to store for the winter. Not only did it keep the community fed, it also marked the end of the year and was accompanied by a great festival of feast, music, and dance.

But one day, all the nuts and berries were taken by a ...

So I was walking in the park one day when I saw this dog

I approach this dog and it looked deep deep into my soul,
it then stands back onto its hind legs and opened its mouth to speak,
however.
The dog didn’t speak,
fires erupted from its mouth
its eyes rolled into the back of its head
and it turned into a chicken.

Man... b...

did you hear about the rpg shoes

they had dark souls

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

Why don't redheads listen to Soul music?

They can't relate to it.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic Satan worshipper?

She sold her soul to Santa.

I cheated on my metaphysics exam.

I gazed into the soul of the guy next to me.

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh...

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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A touching story my father told me when I was a lad,

So I was walking down the street one afternoon and a particularly dirty, broken down, beat up, sorry looking, shabby homeless man asked me for money,

I says, "why if I gave you money, surely you'll just spend it on booze!" I says!

He says, " no sir! I quit drinking years ago!"

....

One man goes to India and visits a Buddhist Monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

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The man who loved tractors

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper

If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

Three men die together in an accident and are sent to hell...

Two of the men are quite tall and lean, and the other man is a very short, fat guy.

The devil welcomes them to hell. He tells the three men that they have a chance to redeem their souls and go to heaven. If one of them men can find something the devil can't catch, he will let all three asce...

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The little red riding hood was walking through the forest going to grandma's house

In the midle of the forest, she saw a big shadow behind a tree, she went to see who's there, only to find the wolf.

She asked: Are you the wolf?

He stared at her and answered darkly: Yes i am..

She screamed so hard and ran away as fast as she can till she got tired. After a whil...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

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Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

my car is innocent!

it wouldn’t Kia Soul

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I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man ...

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Playing Dark Souls is kind of like watching porn...

Theres no story we just want to beat it.

I told my friend that collard greens tasted like shoe leather. She said of course,

they're soul food.

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom ...

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Two dead women souls met while flying to the sky..

The first one asks the other, how did you die? She answers, I died from freezing in the cold, what about you ? The first one says, well, I drove back home and saw my husband getting inside with a girl, so I quietly followed them in, but when I opened door I couldn't find the bitch. So I was furiousl...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

Fun-eral

There were three men at a buddy's funeral. They were discussing what they wanted people to say when they died. The first man said, "I want people to say he was a very generous man. What about you". The second man said, "I want people to say he was a kind and loving soul". Then, the third man said, "...

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