A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

You put it in a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

Death comes to collect a man’s soul.

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party. Death tells the man why he has come.

The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.

The man sadly agrees but asks death if he...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

Okay... I'm not saying, that gingers don't have a soul....

I'm just saying... The dementors never went for ron weasley.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

When a woman sits in church her soul fills up with hope

When she sit in a bath something similar happens

Did you hear about the lonely soul?

He had no body.

Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds

Satan:Please it’s making me sad

Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

If you have a secret, and you said "I swear, I'll never tell a soul" ...

You can rest easy... And just find you a ginger friend.

Jesus is wandering around Heaven, surveying all the saved souls...

...when he spots an old man in the corner, crying.

Jesus approaches the man: "Hey you! This is Heaven! You can't be sad here! This is the ultimate prize! People go to church every day of their lives to end up here! Stop crying, you should be happy to have gotten in!"

The old man c...

Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

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Two dead women souls met while flying to the sky..

The first one asks the other, how did you die? She answers, I died from freezing in the cold, what about you ? The first one says, well, I drove back home and saw my husband getting inside with a girl, so I quietly followed them in, but when I opened door I couldn't find the bitch. So I was furiousl...

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

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I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

How do people talk to each other in the soul stone?

Snap-chat

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

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Playing Dark Souls is kind of like watching porn...

Theres no story we just want to beat it.

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers

Edit: if someone guesses the punchline change it to “rub it in the grass until its Al Green”.

Thank you for your time

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A lumberjack has sex with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

What has five bodies and one soul?

A Kia full of Gingers.

The devil went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal

He was walking along the country road when he saw a boy playing his fiddle on the side of the road.

The devil walks up to him and says, "Hey boy, you're pretty good with that fiddle, but I bet that I'm better than you."

The little boy says, "Alright, mister. What do you have in mind?"<...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

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When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

God knows how many souls could have been saved ..

If the demonic possession hasn't been so often misdiagnosed for brain damage ...

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

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Two old Jews are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!"

Shmuel and Moshe are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!" Shmuel and Moshe look at each other, amused by such mishegas, and plot that Moshe should go in, listen to their schtick, and then they can ...

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A man who was born with three testicles

Was extremely proud and conceited with what he regarded as the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery, in an act to flaunt and put to shame others he would sit regularly outside of his house and ask each passerby.

Man: do you know the sum of your balls and mine.
Passerby (perplexed) : w...

What would you like people to say about you after you die?

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were all asked the same question: “What would you like people to say about you after you die?” The priest said: “I hope that people say that I helped them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit offers to them through the Ch...

Goth people wear black to reflect the color of their souls...

Except ginger goths. They go naked.

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you...

"Hey bro, nice soul patch!"

\- "Thanks!"

\- "No problem; my girlfriend has the same thing, just not on her face."

My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.

Sold his Soul for a Mustang.

How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?

Gingerly.

Some say that beer is soda with soul...

No wonder ginger ale isn't alcoholic!

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the
barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front
of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares
at him.sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the
Devil's drink like that?" she asks...

What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul, mate

What does a Dark Souls player say when they meet someone?

¿Hola, como Estus?

A Dementor goes home to his wife...

Wife: how was work today darling?

Dementor: ugh, it was just soul-sucking.

A man enters the confessional.

."Bless me Father, for I have sinned. There was a pile of lumber in a vacant lot. It had been there for weeks. I helped myself." The Priest says, "Stealing is a mortal sin, my son. Say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers, and return the lumber." Next Sunday the man goes into the confessional. ...

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?

Dad: Because your *mother* put her heart and soul into it.

My grandpa used to take me ice fishing

We never got to spend too much time together, so it meant a lot to me to spend time with him. He was really getting on in age - his teeth were gone and he usually mumbled unless he was frustrated. You could understand him if he yelled, but that was rare since he was such a gentle soul. His mind w...

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

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Three worshippers set out one day to serve their Gods

Eager to prove their devotion, the three worshippers go their separate ways.

First is Bliss, a proud Jehovah's witness. She stays in her neighborhood, visiting door-to-door to save her community's souls.

Next is Chris, a Mormon missionary. He visits Zimbabwe to spread the good word to ...

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Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

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