I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

My girlfriend is a brave girl, a creative person and a beautiful soul.

But I was dumped because they met.

Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds

Satan:Please it’s making me sad

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

They told me to save my soul i have to kill a virgin,

I committed suicide.

Mike Tyson is the Collector of Life, the Harvester of Souls, and Death itself. He is the Grim Reaper. He has come for you.

He slowly approaches from behind, as you rock back and forth on your chair in the retirement home.

You know your time has come. You’ve had a good run. Your kids and your grandkids will live on and remember you and do you proud. You’ll see your beautiful Karen again, and you will forgive each ...

Jesus is wandering around Heaven, surveying all the saved souls...

...when he spots an old man in the corner, crying.

Jesus approaches the man: "Hey you! This is Heaven! You can't be sad here! This is the ultimate prize! People go to church every day of their lives to end up here! Stop crying, you should be happy to have gotten in!"

The old man c...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

Did you hear about the lonely soul?

He had no body.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

What's the difference between a woman in the bath and a woman in church?

A woman in church has hope in her soul.

I decided to open up a Mexican soul food restaurant.

It's called Nacho Mama's!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dead women souls met while flying to the sky..

The first one asks the other, how did you die? She answers, I died from freezing in the cold, what about you ? The first one says, well, I drove back home and saw my husband getting inside with a girl, so I quietly followed them in, but when I opened door I couldn't find the bitch. So I was furiousl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

How do people talk to each other in the soul stone?

Snap-chat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Playing Dark Souls is kind of like watching porn...

Theres no story we just want to beat it.

A poor man fall asleep one night and the devil appears in his dream

The devil says to him "I shall grant you any worldly wish you desire but at a price"

The poor man asks "I've only got my six string and very little money, however I can earn money if I play guitar well. So I wish to be the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen."

The devil rep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lumberjack has sex with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers

Edit: if someone guesses the punchline change it to “rub it in the grass until its Al Green”.

Thank you for your time

Well, i met with a dyslexic satanist

that sold his soul to Santa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

What has five bodies and one soul?

A Kia full of Gingers.

What do you call Batman without his soul

Bn

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

What do you call a Dark Souls fan who has stayed up too long and has been too tired to play properly for the past hour?

Sleepy Hollow.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

The devil went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal

He was walking along the country road when he saw a boy playing his fiddle on the side of the road.

The devil walks up to him and says, "Hey boy, you're pretty good with that fiddle, but I bet that I'm better than you."

The little boy says, "Alright, mister. What do you have in mind?"<...

An Atheist Dies and Goes to Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

&#x200B;

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist ta...

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

"Hey bro, nice soul patch!"

\- "Thanks!"

\- "No problem; my girlfriend has the same thing, just not on her face."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old Jews are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!"

Shmuel and Moshe are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says: "Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!" Shmuel and Moshe look at each other, amused by such mishegas, and plot that Moshe should go in, listen to their schtick, and then they can ...

What do you call a ginger with a soul?

A brunette named Ginger

I HAVE FOUND A MASSIVE LOOPHOLE IN AVENGERS: ENDGAME

How are HE and BW able to receive the soulstone when a soul must traded for it?

Since you know.... BW is a ginger and all :)

Some say that beer is soda with soul...

No wonder ginger ale isn't alcoholic!

Goth people wear black to reflect the color of their souls...

Except ginger goths. They go naked.

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

What does a Dark Souls player say when they meet someone?

¿Hola, como Estus?

My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.

Sold his Soul for a Mustang.

How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?

Gingerly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Greeks always felt that you and your soul mate were one body...

That takes go fuck yourself to a whole new level

A man seas a boat full of people from atop a hill.

He was very curious as to who was on the boat and had time to waste, so he decided to walk down to the dock and take a look.
When he got down there he did not see a single soul in sight.
Everyone on the boat was a ginger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hooker.

There was a lonely soul, who was in need of some romantic attention. He picks up the phone and within a few hours, this beautiful woman in a silky dress arrives at his hotel door. He asks her to get undressed and hold a sexy pose on the bed. She does exactly as he asks and he starts furiously mastur...

I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:

&#x200B;

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their...

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A distressed woman visits a healer.

“Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

What's a Redheads favorite game?

Hide the soul

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

North Koreans are huge Dark Souls fans

They spend all their time praisin' the son.

Death is bored so he comes to take a soul

Death is bored so he comes to land to take a soul. He see Jimmy walking down the road.

Death: Jimmy hold my hand.

Jimmy: I'm not dumb. if i hold your hand, I die.

Death: Wow. What an intelligent kid!! High Five!!

Jimmy: High Five!!