Who collects the souls of dead birds?

The Grim Cheeper.

How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

Why don't redheads listen to Soul music?

They can't relate to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

Death comes to collect a man’s soul.

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party. Death tells the man why he has come.

The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.

The man sadly agrees but asks death if he...

Satan:Hey I bought your soul last week and-

Me:No refunds

Satan:Please it’s making me sad

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

What is the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in her bath?

The woman in a church has her soul full of hope whereas the woman in her bath has her hole full of soap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

When a woman sits in church her soul fills up with hope

When she sit in a bath something similar happens

Okay... I'm not saying, that gingers don't have a soul....

I'm just saying... The dementors never went for ron weasley.

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

Eric went to tug his son in bed one night and hear his son praying...

"Dear God, please take care of my Grandpapa's soul". Eric didn't think much of it. The very next day, his wife's father dies of a heart attack. Eric was a little perturbed, but didn't think much of it.

A month later, little Johnny prayed "Dear God, please take care of my teacher's soul.". Su...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

My girlfriend is a brave girl, a creative person and a beautiful soul.

But I was dumped because they met each other

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave’s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.



When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't keep the officer waiting!

So this police officer is nearing the end of his shift and really pissed that he hasn't caught anyone up to this point. As he sits in his car and looks at the clock, this speeding car flies by so fast that the police cruiser rocks back and forth. The police officer turns on his lights, hits the acce...

Whose soul did Ed Sheeran have to sell to become such a famous singer?

Because it certainly wasn't his

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

What kind of music do chiropractors like?

Hip hop.

What kind of music does the grim reaper like? Death metal and Soul.

I'm sorry.

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical.

When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on my metaphysics exam.

I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you...

Jesus is wandering around Heaven, surveying all the saved souls...

...when he spots an old man in the corner, crying.

Jesus approaches the man: "Hey you! This is Heaven! You can't be sad here! This is the ultimate prize! People go to church every day of their lives to end up here! Stop crying, you should be happy to have gotten in!"

The old man c...

What would you like people to say about you after you die?

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were all asked the same question: “What would you like people to say about you after you die?” The priest said: “I hope that people say that I helped them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit offers to them through the Ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who was born with three testicles

Was extremely proud and conceited with what he regarded as the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery, in an act to flaunt and put to shame others he would sit regularly outside of his house and ask each passerby.

Man: do you know the sum of your balls and mine.
Passerby (perplexed) : w...

What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul, mate

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the
barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front
of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares
at him.sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the
Devil's drink like that?" she asks...

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so diff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

My grandpa used to take me ice fishing

We never got to spend too much time together, so it meant a lot to me to spend time with him. He was really getting on in age - his teeth were gone and he usually mumbled unless he was frustrated. You could understand him if he yelled, but that was rare since he was such a gentle soul. His mind w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dead women souls met while flying to the sky..

The first one asks the other, how did you die? She answers, I died from freezing in the cold, what about you ? The first one says, well, I drove back home and saw my husband getting inside with a girl, so I quietly followed them in, but when I opened door I couldn't find the bitch. So I was furiousl...

A man enters the confessional.

."Bless me Father, for I have sinned. There was a pile of lumber in a vacant lot. It had been there for weeks. I helped myself." The Priest says, "Stealing is a mortal sin, my son. Say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers, and return the lumber." Next Sunday the man goes into the confessional. ...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

I went to Brisbane's hottest redhead competition

5000 people attended, and not a soul in sight

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?

Dad: Because your *mother* put her heart and soul into it.

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer?

A wreath of franklins

How do people talk to each other in the soul stone?

Snap-chat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playing Dark Souls is kind of like watching porn...

Theres no story we just want to beat it.

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

You should get a foot massage

They are good for the soul

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers

Edit: if someone guesses the punchline change it to “rub it in the grass until its Al Green”.

Thank you for your time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

A frog walks in to a bank.

He asks for a loan, and the teller, named Patricia wack says no.

He then says “But my father is Mic Jagger!”

Patricia says no again.

He then lays his heart and soul, a marble elephant, down on the table, and asks again. “Can I have a loan?”

Patricia flips over the table a...

Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are sellin...

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

So, My friend asked my how I like my coffee.

I told 'em to make it as black as my soul.

They handed me an empty cup.

Why are ginger roles played mostly by everyone but gingers?

It's because you have to sell your soul to get anywhere in Hollywood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

What has five bodies and one soul?

A Kia full of Gingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumberjack has sex with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.