UPJOKE
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Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.


The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.

All I could find were Finnish Hymns.

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

Atheist fishing

One day, an atheist man was out fishing in a boat on Loch Ness.

After a few hours sitting in the middle of the lake, the boat shook hard and Nessie suddenly appeared from underneath.

Within a few seconds, the boat was destroyed and the was in the air, above the open jaws of the monster...

I heard that the new Mortal Kombat boasted Scandinavian music...

More specifically they plan to add a Finnish Hymn.

His wife minored in psychology in school.

She was always trying to use her tiresome amateur psychology on him. When he wanted to fire their pool boy, she said, "Well, you're clearly threatened by his youth and attractiveness, and this gives you intimations of your own mortality which you are sublimating into a hostile and inappropriate resp...

Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

Two men entered heaven…

and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”

the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.”

Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Can someone help ? I don't see this to be funny, I m I missing something?

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship? Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat. Banker: Me: Banker: I’m in.

Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

Hello Mortal!

I have a Motorola phone and I booted it up with Dad in the room, and the phone said the standard Motorola greeting, "Hallo Moto!"

Dad was about half listening and thought he heard my phone say "Hello, Mortal!"

An interesting conversation ensued.

Explaining to a child that we're mortal and death is inevitable

Is probably, for me, the hardest part of being a party clown

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

A man is mortally wounded on a plane

The flight attendant asks "Is there a doctor on this plane?"

A woman nods and follows the flight attendant. She quickly announces the man is dead.

My dad whispers to me "That should have been you"

I tell my dad that I am a doctor of philosophy, not medicine

My dad respon...

My girlfriend told me she loses Mortal Kombat matches on purpose.

She said it's the only time I finish her.

They say families were larger in the past due to higher child mortality rates....

but as it turns out, your great-great-great-GREEEEAAAT-Grandma really just loved her some D

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

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The god Thor is bored one day and decided to try out having sex with a mortal woman...

He heads down to earth and finds a beautiful young woman. Pouring on the charm, he convinces her to go to bed with him. He goes back to her place and enjoys her in every possible way, absolutely plowing her with all his god-like strength and endurance. 7 hours later, he rolls off. She's laying there...

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

A vampire offers his mortal friend a glass of blood

His friend says "No thanks, that stuff goes right through me"

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My friend beat a bunch of people playing Mortal Kombat...

...so I called him an asshole. He turned around confused. "Why?" "Because you rekt 'em."

So my friends and I were having a debate over Mortal Komabt

We concluded Sub-Zero is definitely cooler than Scorpion

After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me.

What do you call Afghan triplets?

Twins!

I am so sorry....

I just found out my favorite arcade game used Christian music from the 1800s Finland in the background.

Yeah. Mortal Kombat used Finnish Hymns

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

Manners

A man returns home from work late at night. Suddenly when he gets to a very dark street, a vampiress pops up.

"Mwaa ha ha! mere mortal... surrender your blood! and pull down your pants right now!"

The man, both terrified and confused, replies:

"Wha--I thought you guys a-aimed fo...

Steven Spielberg died and went to Heaven.

"Thank goodness you made it to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "God is producing a movie and He wants you to direct it."

"Directing movies was what I did in my mortal life," said Spielberg. "This is my eternal life. I want my eternal life to be relaxing."

"I haven't told you about the film cr...

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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A joke my Russian friend sent me

A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.

Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...

Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.

In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his bud...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

Yo Momma so ugly...

Scorpion from Mortal Kombat be like "Stay over there."

Tom finds a lamp in his grandfather’s attic

Seeing that it’s a little dusty, he rubs it. To his surprise, a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

Genie: greetings, mortal. As you have summoned me, i will give you three wishes

Tom: alright, i wish to be rich.

Genie: granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: i wish i had...

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

Just heard this little bit of boomer humour

A priest is giving a sermon in church when suddenly flames leap up from behind the altar and the devil himself rises from below. Terrified all but one of the congregation flee, the devil stares at the last remaining member of the church, a single old man and asks him, ‘are you not afraid mortal?’...

I live in a trailer park and noises tend to travel.

My neighbour was banging this chick he brought home and it felt like it had been going on for hours. I was getting annoyed so in my best Mortal Kombat voice I yelled out, “FINISH HER!!!”
Thankfully they finished a few minutes later.
About 2 hours later I hear my neighbour yell out in his Mort...

Nihilist Horse Walks in to a Bar

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and dissatisfaction in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anyt...

Bad Dog

One winter day, a guy was walking down the street when he saw a mangy old dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. It was covered in flies and seemed to be barely alive. Rather than try to help it, the guy gave it a sharp kick and laughed as it limped away.

Without warning, the guy became a s...

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A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

Stop blaming the video games for violence.

Some of you played Mortal Kombat your whole lives and never learned how to finish her.

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

I was explaining to my third wife that I had been married twice before, and that both marriages tragically ended in death.

Intrigued, the wife asks “How did they die?”

I explain “My first wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms while we were on our honeymoon.”

She says “I’m so sorry to hear that. What about the second wife?”

I respond with “She died of a mortal head injury. Fortunately for her, he...

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A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.

"Tell me your wish." The genie booms.

The man, who was a frequent viewer of r/Jokes knew that this genie would not be as it seems. It had to have some sort of drawback. He decides to test the genie's abilities.

"Is there going to be a cat...

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

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There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza

For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.
One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with joy, rush across the square and into each others arms and immediately run off into a bush...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

Jesus is on the cross and...

He shouts “Peter, Peter!”

Peter hears him from 200m away and starts making his way through the crowd and soldiers. At 150m a Roman soldier slashes his right arm off but Peter keeps going determined saying “I am coming master!”

Jesus shouts again “Peter, Peter!”

Peter, now with o...

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

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A doctor is walking down the street...

...and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells "sir!"

The man turns around, and the doctor says "I'm sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I've never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?"

The man says "Well, i...

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A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

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"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know...

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The curse of the forest

One guy goes out in the forest hunting. He spots a peculiar looking deer and shoots at it mortally wounding it . As the deer draws his last breath, a shaman comes out running of the woods and starts yelling at the guy that the deer was a very special deer and that he'd been cursed now by the spirits...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"

Immediately, all three men are excited.

"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.

"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small i...

Is COVID-19 a retrovirus?

...because I hear that it has the same mortality rate as the Spanish Flu.

Chicken! Run!

A man has been suffering from a rare delusion: he considered himself to be a grain of wheat, and was therefore mortally afraid of the chickens.

He has eventually been hospitalized and treated for about a year. At his annual check-up, the attending asked this guy if he was still considering hi...

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

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The Tale of the Bacon Tree

Two guys are lost in the desert, wandering in the hot sun, starving and dying of thirst. They're about to lie down and give up when all of a sudden one of them says, "H..H...Hey...do you smell bacon?"

The other one says, "Yeah...I do smell bacon. What is that?"

So the two gather their ...

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A man enters a bus one day

And sits next to the most beautiful nun he's ever seen. He tries to contain his excitement, but after awhile, he asks her

"Sister, I know you are not supposed to, but I find you to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would not forgive myself if I did not try. Would you grant me th...

A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.

"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimat...

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

An elderly man reunites with his lost love

One day, an elderly man is out for a walk when he discovers his lost teenage love, a woman who's about his age. The two get together, and in an instant can tell the old Fire is there. Together they rent out a small motel room when, just as they throw off their clothes, the Reaper appears at the foot...

The camping story

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.

I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and...

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Recently scientists discovered a new species of a bat whose sperm is extremely poisonous

They named it Mortal Cum Bat

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.

I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.





^Courtesy ^of ^**[Sickipedia.org](http://www.sickipedia.org/illness-and-mortality/blindness/ive-just-started-reading-my-first-ever-braille-horror-story-1557855)**

Did you know?

People who are left handed on average score higher on tests than ones who suffer from infant mortality.

Death comes to take an old man

He knocks at his door and the old man opens it. Death tells him "I am here to rid you of your problems mortal". "Alright" says the man and shouts for his wife to hear "Get up. There is someone here looking for you".

A Jewish and Russian soldier come under heavy fire...

As both engage the enemy the Jewish soldier is struck with a bullet and mortally wounded.

The Russian soldier continues to return fire and hold back the enemy, eventually however his ammo is spent.
He looks to his Jewish comrade and says “I cannot hold them back, I’m out of ammunition”...

The Green Golf Ball

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "D...

The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...

The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates with the gates being shut and St. Peter nowhere to be found. He starts loudly calling for him and finally after a couple of minutes of desperate yelling a white dove flies over to him.

"What do you want, human?" asks the dove in a human voice
<...

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A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

An elderly couple have been married for 60 years.

One day, out of the blue, the husband announces to his wife, “After living for so long and observing so much, I have decided that men have it worse in this world.”

The wife is clearly upset by his comment, and asks him to elaborate. So the husband continues, “Women start having periods during...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

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