UPJOKE
pronounfemaleherspersonal pronounhimladywomanwordherherselfthonhishetheirthem

She Jokes

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will be

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

She has been shot (up).

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

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A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

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My wife is brilliant. She never says “No” to a shag, she has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone on for long enough.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

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I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

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Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.

How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

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I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn

She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died...

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving wo...

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with. She said yes

All the others were nines and tens.

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

My wife asked me what would I do if she was choking...

I told her I would back up two inches...

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I got into a fight with a girl and she said she bets I have a tiny penis

I responded with "what difference does it make to you? You're so ugly I wouldn't touch you with a 1.5 inch pole"

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, she said a divorce.

I said "you can fuck right off, I'm not spending that much"

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees tribute concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face.

Now I'm in Geneva.

Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…

… she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.

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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too e...

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never ...

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.

She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun...

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

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Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"

So I took her to Subway.

And that's how the fight started.

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

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Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her.

So long story short I'm learning sign language now.

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A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep.

It was her worst fucking night mare.

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time...

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

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[NSFW] Recently, I asked a woman what she'd like to see in a man and she said "honesty". She asked me what I'd like to see in a woman and I said...

My penis

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ..

It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

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An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm...

She said "I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work."

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said...

So he gave it to her.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

Why wasn't Princess Leia married before she met Han Solo?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

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