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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

A wife was mad at her husband so after work, he bought a huge bouquet of flowers. He comes home and presents the beautiful arrangement to his wife. She says: “Do you expect me to spread my legs for this?”

He asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”

Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby.

But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.

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A 40-ish lady is checking out at the grocery store, and the 18 yo bagger asks her if she needs help out to her car

She says "yes", so the young guy pushes her cart into the parking lot. As they approach her car, she leans over to the young man and says, "You know, I have an itchy pussy."

The young man responds, "Ma'am, you'll have to point it out. All these foreign cars look the same to me."

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods...

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

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This blokes wife was going down to the shops, so she asked her husband if he'd like anything

"Yeah, a packet of smokes", he replied.

The wife came back and chucked him tobacco & papers to make rollies. He didn't want to start an argument, so he just thought, "Stupid Bitch", and smoked them.

The next week the wife was going down to the shops and she asked him again if he wa...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

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A nun joins a monastery...

She vows to say only two words every year.

After the first year she approaches the mother and says "bed hard". The mother nods and sends her away.

After the second year she approaches the mother and says "food bad". The mother nods and sends her away.

After the third year she ap...

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A girl was asked to draw female genitalia in biology exam

She was nervous and couldn't understand what to do. So she threw a pen down the bench and showed like is getting down to get it. She then, lifted her skirt to see how her vagina looks.
A guy, sitting behind her saw this and shouted "teacher, this girl cheating from source material"

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

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I got in trouble for something I did while my girlfriend was dreaming

Apparently it’s not ok for me to have sex with her friend , even if she’s sleeping

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A nurse walks into a bank…

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well tha...

My girlfriend made $250,000 off OnlyFan$ last month, so I decided to buy a McLaren with the money

She’s probably gonna be mad when she finds out I made her an onlyfans

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a man gets on a public bus...

A man gets on a public bus, and sees a very attractive nun. He goes over to sit by the nun, and starts talking her up, trying to get her to come home with him. She refuses his advances, and eventually gets off the bus. The guy, however, couldn't get her out of his head, so he went up and asked the b...

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Yo mama so ugly

when she gives head, it counts as anal.

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Every year Simon entered the state lottery hoping to win.

He never did. Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around the fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see 7 written on both of her bums .

He bet on 77 as he thoug...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything,...

Bad luck

Two friends meet on the street:
- Hey man, I heard your mother-in-law died. What did she have?
- Some jewelry, a TV and some small savings
- That's not what I asked you. What was wrong with her?
- Well, she had no friends, her neighbours hated her and she was hard to reason with…
- Ma...

Two friends checking out women

Two friends are checking out women, when one of them said: “you see that hottie over there? I have slept with her!” “Really?” His friends asks him. “Yeah man, and she’s much better then my girlfriend!” He replies: “well, I slept with her also, but she’s not better then your girlfriend!”

I dated a robot for a while, but we broke up.

She was just too high maintenance.

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

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My girlfriend is very paradoxical...

She sucks at blowjob.

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

Poem

I dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
Not a beautiful poem but it is deep.

My neighbor who was a first grade teacher just got arrested for prostitution

I’ve know her for ten years

I never knew she was a teacher

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you...

Does this qualify for NSFW?

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000.

She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”

“On a person.”

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Bookstore

A man goes into a book shop and asks the young female assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title. "

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "Yes! That's the one! I'll take a copy, thanks!"

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

The queen arrives in New York and hops in a limousine....

She looks at the car and asks the driver if she could drive, because she said she never drives in Britain, and wants to see what its like. So the driver and the queen switch seats and she starts driving 50, 80, 100 mph. She eventually gets pulled over and roles down the window, and the cop is shocke...

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Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

NSFW. My girlfriend broke up with me saying she’s “Vagitarian”

Smells fishy to me.

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, t...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

“Actually, no,” ...

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Twenty Bucks

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on h...

Mary had the only bull in the village.

John decides it's time to take his cow to a bull, and so he went to Mary. As they were both watching the two animals do their thing, John looks at Mary and winks, saying "Mary, would you let me do what your bull is doing?", and she replies "Well John, it's your cow..."

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A young couple go for romantic walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really
do need to pee."Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, “OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreem...

British Joke

I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...

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No good deed goes unpunished

I ran into a friend of mine who looked roughed up, with a shiner and an arm in a cast. I was aghast and asked him what happened.

He: “Dude, don’t ask. I was on the bus, minding my own business, when the gal sitting next to me stood up as her stop was approaching, and I noticed her skirt wa...

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

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The teacher asks the class to use 'diction' in a sentance

Little Johnny stands up and says "oh, I know, I put polish down my pants and then my dick shone."

"That's inappropriate. Now, can anyone use 'fascinate' in a sentence?"

Little Johnny stands up again "my aunt Bertha has a coat with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only faste...

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Husband gets home and tells his wife

"Quick!!! Get me a beer before it starts."

She gets the beer. He chugs it and says "Quick!!! Get me another before it starts."

She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says "Quick!!! get me another beer before it starts."

The wife replies "if you want another beer you lazy bas...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

She fell in love with...

She fell in love with an electrician, and she got shocked.

She fell in love with an artist, and things got sketchy.

She fell in love with a musician, and she got played.

She fell in love with a photographer...

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My wife's sister pulled into the driveway in a brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her how she could afford it.

"You know, a blowjob every now and then makes my husband *very* generous", she replied.

My wife turned to me. "I think I'll start doing that", she said with a wink.

"Me too", I replied, turning to my ...

A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store

"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

A soldier's wife has just returned from her insurance provider and is looking very, very unhappy

"What's the matter?" Her friend asked.

"I went to get my husband covered privately, but the fine print stated: no payouts when the holder dies as a result of an explosion and/or from injuries sustained in an explosion," she replied.

"Oh? So why would that make you unhappy?" Her friend ...

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

My wife is lactose intolerant...

so whenever she drinks milkshakes, it gives her the milk shakes.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

This little old lady goes to the doctor

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing ...

I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship...

I said "yes I am, why?"

She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"

I asked my wife if she wanted to play twister.

She said her schedule was flexible enough

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

Why was the reddittor so sad?

It was her cake day and she couldn't think of a joke.

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Bob was mad at his Sex-Ed teacher for giving him a failing grade...

So in revenge he made a plan and told his best friend John.
“ So, in her room, I’ll hide, and when she comes in for lunch, I’ll kick her in the balls!

Roses are red. My eyelids are pink.

I didn’t hear when she farted, but it really did stink.

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"You've never moved like that before"

A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and got turned on,
"I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ...

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My hot neighbor

I was excited when my hot neighbor said she would bring me something special last night, it turned out she wanted to gift me models for earth and neptune

She gave me blue balls and left

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

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I asked a politician on a date, and later that night if she could help me better understand trickle down economics.

She asked me if I was wealthy, to which I said no, and so she pissed on me

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

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My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex...

Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10

I watched my friend die today...

Before she died she gave me her epi-pen, I think it’s something she wanted me to remember her by

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it

Nobody had told her about the new electric fence.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed; sweating and panting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but just as he’s dialing 911, his six year old son runs up to him and says, “Daddy! Daddy! ...

A boy and his grandmother were walking along the road

when he saw a chocolate bar lying on the ground. He went to pick it up but his grandmother scolded him and said "never pick things up from the floor"



They continued walking until the boy saw a toy car lying on the floor. Naturally he went to pick it up but yet again his grandmother to...

my mom was comforting my younger sister after she lost her phone, saying sometimes mistakes happen but they make our futures better...

and i, very loudly, stated "she's talking about me"

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

The good ol' cannon

A woman is about to deliver her first baby. While she's in the birthing room, her husband is outside, waiting for the doctor to give him the good news.

After an hour or so, the doctor finally comes out.

«Sir... it's a boy! Healthy and beautiful!»

«OH GOD» says the man, excited f...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.

He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"

She says "Tennish"

He says, "I know but what time?"

TIL: of mathematician Katherine Johnson who died at 101 years old

She was in her prime.

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”


Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife w...

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes..

She hugged me. =/

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Hooked up with a GILF

We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert button

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

Two farmers are sitting in a bar, feeling sad.

"I've had a horrible week," said Farmer Brown. "My tractor broke last week, and I have tried to buy a new one, but no one is selling a tractor at a reasonable price."

"Let me tell you something that happened yesterday," said Farmer Gray. "Yesterday I went into my barn to milk the meanest cow ...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

A guy was buying mangoes at a junction from a street vendor and while waiting for his change he saw an old woman and a little girl.

The little girl was walking a bit faster than the old woman which made the old woman shouting; " Degree wait for me". The guy was astonished after hearing such an unusual name. So to satisfy his curiosity he walked closer to the old woman and asked; "Mam, why do you call your granddaughter Degree?" ...

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

My first-grade teacher told me sarcasm wouldn't get me anywhere

Guess she was right.

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

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Don't step on the ducks!

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and a...

The dangers of drinking tea

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.

I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.

You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.

I was peacefu...

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

I told my girl I love you.

She said I love U2. That was kind of depressing. She's talking about music at this vulnerable moment. So I broke up with her.

A man was at his friend's funeral and asked the wife if he could say a word.

She agreed. The man stood at the podium and said, "Plethora." As he sat back down the wife said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

A husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for the damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and ha...

Good old #162, the Frog Joke

Patricia Whack, a bank teller, was having an unusual day: a frog had appeared in front of her teller and asked in perfectly elocuted English, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to obtain some credits from your establishment, on consideration of this blue marble elephant as collateral."

Ms. Whack knew immed...

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A man asks a hot blonde out on a date

They have dinner and the chemistry is obvious from the beginning. After they finish, she asks him "do you know what a 69 is?" He says no. She says "Come back to my place and I'll show you".

They go back to her apartment, kiss and get in position. Then her stomach rumbles and she farts in his ...

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First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm meeting my blind date here tonight," he tells the bartender. "She's the sister of one of my friends. All he told me was that she was blonde and is expecting a baby." "Well," the bartender replies. "That explains why you're sitting here in just a diaper....

Did you know....

William Shatner and Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac recently got married? She wanted to keep her surname so she's now going by Stevie Shatner - Nicks.

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Sportscar race

Enzo Ferrari and Ferdinand Porsche were arguing about which of their sportscars was the fastest, so they decided to each pick their best driver and have a race to find out.

They day of the race came, and the Ferrari won easily, pulling up at the finish-line a beautiful female driver stepped o...

When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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A married man tells his wife...

A married man tells his wife, "Honey, after all these years, I still love seeing your ass."

She smiles and asks, "is it because I've kept my girlish figure?"

He responds, "No, because it means you are walking away."

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Always feed the cat

An older lady prepares steaks in the kitchen when small cat snuggles up to her leg and begs for a piece of meat by meowing. The lady pushes him off her feet. The cat snuggles up again and begs for a piece of meat.
"Get out!" she shouts at him and kicks him into a corner.
Later on her son-in-la...

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My Wife came out of the shower.

She walked into the bedroom and said to me.

"Babe please shut the blinds, I don't want the

neighbours to see me naked."

"Don't worry" I said, "if the neighbours see you

naked, they'll shut their own fucking blinds!"

Yo mama so stupid...

She thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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Idk why I didnt like the prostitute giving me a handjob

She just rubbed me the wrong way

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman..

He was always too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment.

He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off.

She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was ...

She couldn’t fit in 1 post

There you go

I saw a movie once.

In the movie, a guy put a thumbtack on a girls chair, and she sat on it.

Not much of a plot I'll admit, but I like movies where the guy gets the girl in the end.

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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A Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did...

A woman goes out shopping with her husband

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boot she loves.
The husband says "No chance love, they're way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.
She turns...

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

My wife is mad at me.

She said if I don't get off the computer she will smash my head into the keyboard. I think it might just be a joke thobfufjebwhhwhf8djfnrk727gdbd eu27y d bc uuehwjw 7 8j

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I once asked a woman out

She said sorry I have a boyfriend. Unfortunately for her I'm bisexual

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

How do we know Cinderella did not have children?

She lived happily ever after.

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I got a new dog and named her Ammonia.

She's a basic bitch.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

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I also met my girlfriend at a zoo like u/moosekila

She was beautiful, but she was behind bars, now I am.



I know this joke is shit, but she was throwing hers

As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes.

It gave me great satisfaction.....

She was wearing them at the time.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

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My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have."
Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

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