My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

A lady walked up to me at a bank and asked me to check her balance

so i pushed her over.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

My brother was just fired from his job at the bank. A customer with a broken leg came in and asked if he could check his balance...

so he pushed him over.

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

Why do Europeans have bad balance?

They use meters instead of feet.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

My friend kept trying to balance mints on his foot

Turns out he was playing tic tac toe

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

Some say bros before hoes...

While some say bros before hoes, and some say hoes before bros, I believe there should be a balance; a homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

*this isn’t my joke but I was thinking of it today so I thought I’d share*

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Three friends encounter a genie

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

I lost my balance once and fell down an up escalator.

It was the most embarrassing two hours of my life.

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

My bank is really proud of me

According to them, I have an outstanding balance

Why does Thanos watch Fox News?

Because it’s fair and perfectly balanced.

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

My Doctor's office just called to compliment me on my symmetry and harmony.

They say I have an outstanding balance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for climbing a ladder that was balanced on top of his toilet?

It turns out that in his state, it is still illegal to get high on pot.

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your ...

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

A slight variation of an old joke

One day a man who had just gone through a very bitter divorce was walking on the beach. He notices something glittering in the sand and digs it out and holds it up. It appeared to be a gold, antique teapot. He rubbed it with his sleeve to brush the sand off and suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie a...

Balance is my best friend...

It never lets me down

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A magical cliff

There were three men at the edge of a magical cliff. Jumping off of this cliff while saying something will turn you into the thing you said.

The first man looked up at the sky and said, “I’ve always wanted to fly,” so he jumped and yelled, “BIRD!” He turned into a bird and flew away.

...

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I’m happy to say that I’ve achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

Old accountants never die.

They just lose their balance.

Why is America obsessed with money?

It was founded on checks and balances.

A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question<...

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The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he cont...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

How did the psychic balance work and family?

By finding a happy medium

So a fellow walks into a bar and sees another fellow looking sad. “Hey, what’s bothering you, friend?” he says.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of being an acrobat,” the other fellow says. “But I had an inner ear deformity that affected my balance. So I became an archeologist instead. Then last week I unearthed a magic lamp and the genie inside granted me one wish. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wished for all the...

I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.

"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.

"$500.00 please" says the ...

Whattya call a half black, half Irish guy trying to get his body into balance?

Homey O'Stasis

Did you hear about Tom Hiddleston's secret audition to be in the next Marvel movie? Apparently he dropped his voice an octave to throw the casting director off balance...

He was auditioning as a low key, low-key, Loki.

What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

What do you get when you cross Russian literature with balanced chemical equations?

Tolstoichiometry

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Dog walks into a bar

The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The dog doesn’t say anything, because dogs can’t talk.

The bartender realizes that trying to have a conversation with a dog is a sign that something might be going wrong with him mentally, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist diagnoses him wit...

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