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Balance Jokes

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your ...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

Men who are liked by girls, solely because of their bank balance...

....should be called Cashanovas

I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance...

So I pushed her over.

What is a Balance Sheet?

It’s what comes out after eating a balance diet.

Ever heard of the wizard with the poor sense of balance?

He only knows dizzy spells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

Fox News' slogan is "Fair and Balanced".

That's it. That's the joke.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

My idea of a balanced diet...

Is a beer in each hand.

What do you call a woman with 10 pint glasses balanced on her head?

Beatrix

I just checked my account balance at the ATM

It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

My friend kept trying to balance mints on his foot

Turns out he was playing tic tac toe

It is called BALANCE!

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. it is called BALANCE

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

lost my balance on an escalator today

I fell down the stairs for two hours.

Balance is my best friend...

It never lets me down

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

Was at the ATM withdrawing money, then a robber tried to rob my balance

I fell.

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

How did the psychic balance work and family?

By finding a happy medium

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

God and Canadians

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."

So God created Ca...

"Sir, your balance is outstanding."

I know my balance is outstanding, I've been skateboarding for years, but I fail to see how that's going to help me pay back this debt!

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

What does my Uncle and my account balance have in common?

I cry whenever I see them.

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance.

I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"

She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."

So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.

Just as there is a balance of good and evil....

There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

Finally found out why dairy cows lose their balance so easily

They lactose

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I’m happy to say that I’ve achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

Whattya call a half black, half Irish guy trying to get his body into balance?

Homey O'Stasis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

A rancher is trying to sell his herd of bovines...

He is showing a prospective buyer the herd. The buyer notices that the males appear to be having issues with their sense of balance and comments on this to the rancher. Before the rancher can reply, one of the male bovines responds, "It's OK. We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

What do you get when you cross Russian literature with balanced chemical equations?

Tolstoichiometry

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





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