Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

Was at the ATM withdrawing money, then a robber tried to rob my balance

I fell.

What do you call a balance posture exercise in a warmer climate?

Pilates of the Caribbean

I don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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A pastor is hiring a new bell boy to ring the church bell.

So a boy walks in with no arms, that wants to apply for the job. The pastor says "I don't think you qualify". The boy responds with "nonsense, let me show you"

They head up the bell tower. The boy proceeds to get a running start and headbutts the bell to make it ring. The pastor shakes his he...

How did the physic achieve a work-life balance?

By finding a happy medium

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A guy is walking up to a pub and is stopped outside by a nun.

"You're not going in there to drink alcohol now are you?" she says.


"Sure am." he replies.


"You know it's a sin right?"


"I'm an atheist."


"Well, what would your parents think?" she asks.


"I'm an orphan."


"Well... You know ...

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

My brother was just fired from his job at the bank. A customer with a broken leg came in and asked if he could check his balance...

so he pushed him over.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

My friend kept trying to balance mints on his foot

Turns out he was playing tic tac toe

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

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A Psychology Professor becomes the warden of a renown mental health institution. NSFW Long

As he's making initial inspection of the hospital, checking on patients needs & treatment plans, he comes across a room where a patient is swinging an imaginary golf club.

"What are you doing?" ask's the Warden.

"Practicing my golf swing. The doctors tell me if i get really good ...

GENIE: I will grant you one wish!

Me: What the hell, I thought it was 3 wishes

Genie: Look in your pants

Me: Oh wow

Genie: Now look at your bank balance

Me: OH WOW

Genie: Yeah, I been doing this for a long time!

I don’t usually boast about my finances

But my credit card company calls me everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

My bank called today to notify that my account has been reclassified

Judging by the balance they had to classify it as Satire Account

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

I lost my balance once and fell down an up escalator.

It was the most embarrassing two hours of my life.

Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.
...

I've decided to become a tightrope walker!

I figured I should give it a try since all my credit card companies say my balance is outstanding!

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

A nun was walking down a dark alley to save some time one evening dressed in her black habit.

A drunk guy stumbled out of one of the doors in the alley and yelled "Hey, where do you think you're going?!"

He grabbed her and punched her in the face, and pushed her down to the ground.

She screamed for help and a couple of bystanders came running to her aid from a vicious attack th...

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

The man who thought his wifes job was easy. Nothing prepared him for this.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed.
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to swit...

Guy : Baby, sometimes I want to call you late at night for a long chat.

Gf : So why don't you?

Guy : I always try to, but I hear a voice saying something.

Gf : what voice? What does it say?

Guy : 'Sorry, You Have Insufficient Balance In Your Account To Make This Call! '

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A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

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Three friends encounter a genie

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A man finds a magic lamp.

You know the drill, he rubs the lamp, Genie pops out and says he can have 3 wishes. “But there’s a catch”, says the Genie. “I won’t grant any of your wishes until you are done making all 3”.

“Okay”, replies the man. He knows these things can go poorly so he deliberates for a bit before respon...

A drunk man staggers out of a bar late at night.

Struggling to keep his balance, he grabs on to a nearby pole to be able to stand still. A few minutes later a fire engine zooms by blaring its sirens. Looking at the truck, the man started running furiously after it and yelling incoherently, but after a good kilometre, he finally collapsed and panti...

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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

Some say bros before hoes...

While some say bros before hoes, and some say hoes before bros, I believe there should be a balance; a homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

*this isn’t my joke but I was thinking of it today so I thought I’d share*

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for climbing a ladder that was balanced on top of his toilet?

It turns out that in his state, it is still illegal to get high on pot.

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your ...

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Balance is my best friend...

It never lets me down

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I’m happy to say that I’ve achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

Why does Thanos watch Fox News?

Because it’s fair and perfectly balanced.

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

My Doctor's office just called to compliment me on my symmetry and harmony.

They say I have an outstanding balance.

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