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Yourself Jokes

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

Do you ever talk to yourself?

My apologies, i wasn't talking to you.

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My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

Imagine yourself as a place where horses stay.

Now you’re mentally a stable.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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What’s a different way to say “go fuck yourself”?

You do you.

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Why is declaring yourself the monarch of the moon a bad idea?

You'd have no air apparent.

Do It Yourself COVID Test

1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus



Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat the...

Describe yourself in 3 words:

1. Lazy

I went out to buy a Christmas tree and the guy asked me "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said "No. I was thinking the living room."

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

Stop letting yourself be bothered by cancer jokes.

Eventually they just grow on you.

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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

I read earlier that the person who is most likely to kill you, is yourself

But not if I kill him first

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Have you ever laughed so hard you've pooped yourself?

That'll be self defecating humour.

‘Describe yourself with one word’, my employer asked.

‘Bad with numbers’

"STOP HITTING YOURSELF, STOP HITTING YOURSELF" the bully chanted

But I could not, for he popped off my prosthetics

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

Me: Did you know talking to yourself indicates high intelligence?

Me: Yes, I did know that.

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket

You could say you are

Independent.

Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

On a blind date, the girl told me, “Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

Me: I’m terrible with dates.

Her: Don’t worry. You’re doing fine so far.

Me: Christmas is on July 4th.

LPT: If you ever find yourself outside without clothes, just spray yourself down with Windex.

It prevents streaking.

Why would you ever want to google yourself?

Search me...

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Whenever someone tells me "Make yourself at home"

I find the nearest computer, Google some porn, remove all my clothes and start masturbating

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My therapist: love yourself

Me: i am not my type

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A famous explorer visits a tribe of all-male natives in the Amazon and asks “how do you guys sexually satisfy yourself?”

The chief replies: “Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s...

If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

You all heard of alphabet soup! Prepare yourself for...

Times New Ramen

Whose the idiot?

The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up"

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inq...

Never compare yourself to others

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've come to realize my trash dumpster has a better life than I do," he tells the bartender. "It gets taken out once a week and gets to stay out all night."

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.

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You know when you accidentally poo on yourself, you think to yourself

time to clean this shit up

What's the point of calling yourself the biggest fan

if you don't blow

Surround yourself with people who have issues....

People who have issues, always have alcohol.

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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

Retail job interview (2012): Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?

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It's funniest if you look up the verses yourself

A pastor has just moved to a new town, and the day before services, he goes around visiting members of his new congregation. He comes to one house and knocks... no answer. He rings the doorbell... no answer... but he can tell someone is home, so he pulls out a card and writes on the back, *Revelatio...

If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Never play dead

DIY videos - Do It Yourself

When I try to follow them, it becomes >! DIY - Destroy It Yourself !< :)

Someone once told me, "You have a tendency to twist people's meanings to suit yourself."

I replied, "I'll take that as a compliment."

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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

You either die young enough to be remembered as a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Just ask Jean-Claude Van Damme

Turns out you can go to a store and buy a birthday cake any day you feel like it and eat it yourself.

Nobody checks.

What's the worst part about locking yourself out of your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself."

I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".

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Happiness is like pissing yourself

Haven’t felt it since I was 5.

If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

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A man is like a tree. You spend a lifetime building yourself up,

just to be knocked on your ass by a little beaver.

-Would you call yourself a hard worker?

\-Absolutely! I make almost everything harder than it has to be.

I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...

How do you get yourself a cell?

A salt and battery.

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

You can freeze yourself to -273.15℃

You'll be 0K.

Calling yourself "Practical . . ."

. . . is just you being optimistic about your cynicism.

what’s it called when you eat cheese all by yourself?

prov-alone

I found these drugs in your pocket, what do you have to say for yourself?

Officer: I found these pills in your pocket.

Suspect: Officer I swear, I don't know how they got there. Every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket.

Officer: Yeah right.

Suspect: Officer, I swear, every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my p...

Doctor: Brace yourself, this is gonna hurt.

Patient: Ok.

Doctor: I’ve been having an affair with your wife for the past several years.

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yourself

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You can’t always take yourself too seriously. Take things lightly and “shit on yourself” every now and again.

Everyone loves self-defecating humour.

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Therapist: you need to stop talking to yourself

You're doing it right now

"Don't kid yourself"

...would be a great slogan for a condom company...

Society: Be yourself.

Also society: No, not in that way.

I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I’m going to start a new business, do it yourself crematoriums.

I will call it Build a bier workshop.

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

Why do you keep scratching yourself?

Because I’m the only one who knows where it itches.

Well, if you inject yourself with bleach and disinfectant...

I guarantee you won’t die of Covid-19

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, "Do it Yourself"

Unhelpful, prick.

My friend invited me over to check out his new apartment. When I arrived he said "please make yourself at home".

So I threw him out. I hate guests.

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

Digging a hole for yourself

A grave mistake

If you’re too full of yourself...

...would that be considered being bragnant?

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Sometimes you just need to stop, look deep inside yourself...

And find that sex toy you lost.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

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How do you get yourself to quit smoking?

By deciding to smoke only after sex.

Women tell me “Just be yourself, be more confident.”

I’m like... jeez pick one!

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If you pee yourself and get mad...

You're pissed.

Whats the best way to hang yourself?

In a picture frame

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

If you ever find yourself being attacked by a gang of clowns...

You should go straight for the juggler.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

A man goes home after being at his mistress' house

However, he realized that he smelled like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey and heads home.

His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You dirty pig! You can pour a gallon of women perfume over yourself and I'll know that you'v...

Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C...

and still be 0K?

Tell me about yourself

1: Well uhh.. I like dogs

2: Oh, what’s your favourite breed?

1: Any breed is good, they all taste the same anyway

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

Be yourself, because no one else can!

Except identity thieves. They can be you too.

Don't call yourself a Chainsmokers fan...

..unless you have stage 4 lung cancer.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

The first sign of madness is talking to yourself

The second sign is replying.

Now is not the right time to surround yourself...

with positive people.

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A priests basement is the worst place to find yourself

Either something’s going into you or somethings coming out.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

What do you call a multicolored d20 that you made yourself?

A tie-dyed diy die

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

Interviewer: Tell me something about yourself

Me: I'm a man of few words

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Procrastination is like masturbation.

It feels good while you do it. But at the end of the day, you're just fucking yourself.

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