Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

A man with authority walks into a bar...

He orders everyone around

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.

One day, my father had enough of it.

He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former...

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

The power of authority

A cop agent goes to a property and tells the owner, an old farmer:

"I need to inspect your property." There's a complaint that you have an illegal plantation

The farmer says:

"Okay, inspect whatever you want, but do not go to that camp there. And points to a certain area.
...

The lookout

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority?

Because he likes Dicks.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

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A small coastal Australian church gets word the Pope is coming for a visit.

The church committee quickly gets together to discuss arrangements and the topic quickly turns to what food they will serve the Pope.

One of the nuns suggests a serve of fish would be appropriate. The committee agrees and one of the priests is nominated to source a fresh fish.

The pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Sports Authority is going out of business.

I hear their competitors are real Dicks.

What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?

Hiking

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A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

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