UPJOKE
peoplesomeoneindividualworkerchildhumanapplicantsomebodyphilosophylanguagemammalethnic groupadultfemaleprimates

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

Dead LGBTQ+ people be like...

WAS/WERE

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

My Grandpa has acquired a trick for meeting new people

He's got Alzheimer's

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps th...

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

I think we should stop making jokes about fat people

They obviously have enough on their plate already

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart...

Lisa painted her fingernails red & Bob had a cock.

If wanting to be alone makes you an introvert, and wanting to be with people makes you an extrovert,

wanting to be with cats must make you a purrvert.

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

Step 1 - fool people into believing you've been chosen by God to spread his word

Step 2 - prophet

People say that marijuana causes memory loss

That’s ridiculous, next they’ll be saying that marijuana causes memory loss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

Stats show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage

The fossils are already dead

People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now...

I see why

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

I ordered a book called "How to scam people"

Its been 6 months and I still haven't received it.

I have a ton of jokes about retired people.

None of them work.

What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show

"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his Confederate flag.

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

Why are french people always so sad?

Because they eat Pain for breakfast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you see 2 deaf people holding hands, maybe it's not romantic....

Maybe they just want each other to shut the fuck up.

what do you call a support group for people who talk too much?

On and on Anon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

The other day I was wondering, what did people do for fun before the Internet?

I asked my 12 siblings, and they didn’t know either.

What's the difference between the people of Dubai and the people of Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But the people of Abu Dhabi Do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Miserable fucking Bitch.

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward



Thank you, I'll see myself out

There are 3 people in this world

Those that can count

Those that can’t

I’m starting a school to teach short people math.

It’s called little things count.

Many people say that Finland started wars.

I thought they Finnish them.

People who have Only Fans,

What is stopping you from upgrading to an Air Conditioner?

People who say “every 60 seconds in Africa…” are lying

Everyone knows people in Africa don’t get seconds

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

A bus full of ugly people got into a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throug...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

Why don't people gossip during breakfast?

They don't want to spill the beans.

I don't like discussing sunglasses with other people....

I find it to be a very polarizing subject

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

In my job, I have 500 people under me.

What are you then? — cemetery gardener

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field

But hay, it’s in my jeans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People with clock fetishes are so punctual.

They always cum on time

People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's always weird when you're in the room with two people you've fucked.

Adds to the family reunion drama, though.

There are 3 types of people.

1. People who know how to make good jokes.
2. People who know how to make good lists.

Why do Short people like drugs?

Because they get them high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

What is the medication that is most hated by religious people?

The Ibuprofane

Why did they call it 'Possession of Marijuana' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Why do people in Athens have a difficult time waking up?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

Lately people seem to think I'm from Kent, I don't understand it..

But I keep hearing everyone whisper it when I walk past.

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

It absolutely bothers me when some attention seeking people make posts and comments indicating that it's it their cake day just so that people wish them.

I'm just glad I'm not one of those people

26% of people on their deathbed tell a joke right before they die.

Not me. That's the last thing I'd ever do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Hitler dies and meets God...

God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell

Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?

God: Sure, why not

Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks

God: Why two Greeks?

Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people are like a fit ass.

They look good from the outside, but really vile and shitty on the inside.

People be LGBTQ+ and still be dressing bad

Like what were you doing in the Closet the whole time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

For two years I didn't go anywhere and didn't interact with people at all.

But now that the lockdowns are over... I will have to come up with another reason.

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

You know what gets people down?

An extra chromosome!

(im sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

People say that 60 is the new 40...

The cop who just pulled me over didn’t agree...

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

There was a serial killer who killed more people than Jeffrey Dahmer and never got caught

His name was Jeffrey Smahter

When I hear people talking about water polo all I can think about is

Those poor horses.

How does a bored ninja kill people?

With a sai.

I was fed-up with people laughing at me for being bald, so I went out and bought a hairpiece.

It was a small price toupee.

I can’t understand why people have a problem with breastfeeding.

It’s perfectly natural and helps strengthen the bond between me and my dog.

My rehab meetings have really taught me a lot about other people.

I'm so proud to be a established member of over sharer's anonymous.

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for.

But no one is giving me a straight answer.

There are two types of people in the world

1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete data

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

If two people plan to go to the toilet together you could say that they

Co-looed.

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Coz career advancement is in ruins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

2 people came up to me and dislocated my finger,

It was a joint effort.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?

Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!

A guy with Crohn's disease didn't want to get on a plane with a bunch of other people due to the risk of Covid with his pre-existing condition....

...so he took a sharter flight.

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

why can't the British people pronounce "T"?

They drank all of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just landed a job where I walk into a room and sew two peoples' anuses together, no questions asked.

It's not a dream job, but it makes ends meet.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People think working at a zoo is fun, but just like most jobs

You have a lot of shit to deal with.

I asked some people what you could spell from the letters n t o g i h n

All of them said you couldn't spell anything

what do you call people that steal from music shops?

Luters.

What did people say when the Beatles broke up?

Ono

A man walks into a bar and there's a long line of people punching each other.

That's the punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who buy sex dolls...

....are fucking dummies.

how do people in wheelchairs go down stairs?

Quickly.

A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today

4/04 date not found

I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help

I wonder how many people will bury their loved ones in glass coffins this year.

Well...remains to be seen.

People and their coffee

They worship it so much it's like sacred grounds to them.

Most people can jump higher than an average European house.

This is mostly due the fact that average European houses can't jump at all.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.