People Jokes - 144 Hilarious People Jokes

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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They say people who drive big cars have a small penis and people who wear small shoes have a small penis

So it's no wonder why everyone is so afraid of clowns.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish

They drank the T

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

there are ten kinds of people

Those who understand binary jokes, and those who don't.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

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An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...

The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

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Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

9/10 people.

Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

Why do French people eat small breakfasts

One egg is an oeuf

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for.

But no one is giving me a straight answer.

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.

Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on family

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

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Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Why are married people on average heavier than single people?

A single person goes to the fridge, takes a look what's there, sighs, and goes to bed.

A married one goes to bed, sees what's there, sighs, and goes to the fridge.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

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There are only two types of people worse than racists

The blacks and the jews

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

What do rich people ride to the emergency room?

An ambulance

My husband told me he'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

LGBTQIA people are terrible at telling jokes because

They can't say them with a straight face

One of my friends told me I make people uncomfortable by often invading people's personal space

I found this really hurtful, it completely ruined our bath

Two people go into an empty bus...

three go out.

The biologist says: "They reproduced"

The physicist says: "There was a measuring error"

The mathematician says: "Now one has to go in so there\`s noone in the bus"

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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

There are only 10 types of people

- Those that understand binary
- Those that don't understand binary

A bus full of ugly people crashes...

A bus full of ugly people crashes. Everyone dies and goes to heaven, forming a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there and says, "Before you get into heaven, you get one wish." The first person in line says, "I wish I was beautiful!" Poof, they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The second guy...

The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

You gotta hand it to short people.

Because they can't reach it on their own.

People in the gym always ask me how I got so big

Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I
Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk. Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and *literally* doubled in size!

Bu...

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Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

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Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

What’s the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino?

They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!

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I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

A blonde fills a stadium with 90,000 people to prove blondes are smart

She fills up the stadium with 90,000 blondes, TV crew, News crews all of the media.

She calls up one volunteer from the crowd.

The host says: "Lets start with some simple maths questions"

Blonde: "Sure"

The host asks, "What's 3 times 8?"

After 20 seconds the blond...

I like people as I like my tea...

In a bag...

And underwater

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?

NaBrO.

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

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