UPJOKE
peoplesomeoneindividualworkerchildhumanapplicantsomebodyphilosophylanguagemammalethnic groupadultfemaleprimates

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

Why is chess so difficult for British people?

Cause they just lost the queen.

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.















*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

Two people go into an empty bus...

three go out.

The biologist says: "They reproduced"

The physicist says: "There was a measuring error"

The mathematician says: "Now one has to go in so there\`s noone in the bus"

The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But the people of Abu Dhabi DOOO.

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who know binary and those who don't.

A bus full of ugly people crashes...

A bus full of ugly people crashes. Everyone dies and goes to heaven, forming a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there and says, "Before you get into heaven, you get one wish." The first person in line says, "I wish I was beautiful!" Poof, they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The second guy...

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

And those with an uncontrollable urge to finish the sentence even at the expense of the joke.

I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

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People ask me "Are you hard at work?" And I'm like

No I don't have a boner right now but thanks for asking

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

I wanted to make a joke about lazy people

But I don’t think it would’ve worked.

There are three kinds of people in the world

People who can count, and people who can't.

What do French people call weed?

Oui’d

For those people who still carry their selfie stick with them on their travels, I have one thing to say.

I hope you take a long hard look at yourself.

I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability

Stand up for yourself!

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish

They drank the T

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My therapist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them

I did that, and it really worked! But I’m wondering, what do I do with the letters?

You know people that make doors...

Really like to make an entrance.

Why do chinese people love playing Among Us ?

Because thats the only place they can vote

People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes.

That’s just a stereotype.

Two old people playing golf

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.



"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."



"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"...

I don't trust people who can draw...

They all seem kinda sketchy.

A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined...

But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.

What nationality are Minecraft people?

Cuban.

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

A bartender walked over to a table where two people were on a date

He spoke to the woman first- "Madame, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off. You both have clearly had too much to drink; your husband just slid under the table!"

The woman said "No, my husband just walked in the door!"

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I don't like people who take drugs

For example, airport security.

What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are successful?

A Nguyen Nguyen situation

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

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Maybe replacement theory is correct.

Even neo-nazi's are being replaced by black people.

Why do people from Alabama make the best paleontologists?

They're amazing at relative dating.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the dog too much!

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I don't know why more people weren't suspicious of the Nazi Party from the beginning.

They literally had so many red flags.

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

Why don't people play poker in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs

Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?

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This pissed off guy bursts into a bar full of people with a rifle.

“Who the hell’s the asshole who slept with my wife?!”

Some guy answers:
“Woah! Woah dude! You’re gonna need more bullets.”

A man is walking by a tall fence and hears people chanting, "13, 13, 13."

The man tries to look over the fence but can't see because it's too tall.

He then notices a hole in the fence and looks through, only to get poked in the eye. The people on the other side then start chanting, "14, 14,14."

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

I don't like people who make "I didn't sleep last night" their entire personality

They are tiring to be around

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.

The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.

The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.

The man sa...

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The reason people sweat

is so they won't catch fire when having sex.

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If a man fails to blow up a building, but gives good sex advice, what will people say about him?

This Guy Fawkes.

I had 180 people under me at my first job and I was only 14 years old.

I mowed the town cemetery.

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Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

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Why shouldn’t you provoke asexual people ?

Because Nobody f*cks with them

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

What do you call people who hate Aglets?

Lacists

Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.

But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

Why are there so many people who are offended by the stuff that Hank Hill does?

Because he sells profane accessories.

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I'm holding a charity event for people who can't orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

Why don’t many people live in the northernmost part of Canada?

Because they don’t like Nunavut.

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

We all need to send prayers to the people in Ohio

Nothing happened, they just have to live there

Why did homeless people vote for Obama?

Because he said he’d bring change.

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

Apparently loads of people turned away from voting for Trump coz he wanted to ban shredded cheese

He wanted to Make America Grate again.

Why do we call dead people 'late'?

Dude, they aren't coming.

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

What do rich people say when tickling their little kids?

Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

As a door to door salesman, you never want to hear people say that your product "really sucks."

Unless you're selling vacuum cleaners.

Ba dum tiss.

I really admire people who keep going despite being in a lot of debt

They really deserve a lot of credit

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

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People always rant about their dogs or cats

BUT THE SECOND I TALK ABOUT MY COCK

70% of people are stupid

I’m obviously part of the other 40%.

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

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Why can't blind people tell when they're done wiping?

Because they can't see shit.

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I'm going to create a startup that sells sex toys to people that aren't sexually attracted to anything.

It's going to be called "Ace Hardware."

People are always making fun of vegans, but I don’t get it.

I have never had a beef with one.

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When people rub your pregnant girl’s stomach and say congrats

But nobody tickles your balls and say well done

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

When British people do cocaine, they don't do lines

They do queues.

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva Españ...

why does everyone feel the need to defend people in wheelchairs?

Honestly, let them stand up for themselves.

What do you call a convention you nominate people for cosplaying as the dead?

Necronomicon

Knee-bone slapper I know…….

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

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Why don’t blind people skydive?

because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

TIL that my Grandfather actually warned people that the Titanic was going to sink…

Despite his constant attempts, unfortunately nobody listened, and he ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre

What do people in Alabama like to do for Halloween?

Pump-kin

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart

… when they probably haven’t even seen one of his paintings

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Found a shirt that says, “I see dead people”

But I can’t wear it because it only fits mediums

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Some people really should learn to be more direct.

It took too much time to figure out that if you drink enough water in just the right light you can create a stream of piss that crafts a beautiful rainbow.

My wife should have just said she wanted skittles.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Why smart people with good opinions are poor?

Because they make cents.

I always hear people chanting "free Britney!"

That sounds awesome, how do I go about acquiring one for myself?

People always ask me why I sleep naked?

Travelling via the rail is very hectic, and sleeping naked has been the only way to keep people from bothering me...

11 People on a rope

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a...

What’s the difference between people who pray in church and people who pray in a casino?

They ones who pray in a casino really mean it!

I asked my German girlfriend if she'd tell me how many people she'd slept with before me

She said 9

What do people in Seattle call a group of little kids dressed as ghosts for Halloween?

A micro-boo-ery!

Happy Halloween :)

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

I was working a job on a boat transporting people and cars when a magical godmother with gossamer wings surprised me with a really good party for me with rides. Then I found out I still had to pay admission. It was only a couple bucks, though.

A Very Fair Fairy Ferry Faire Fare.

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

Some people like root vegetables...

Some people don't really carrot all

This is my only pun about root vegetables

but I keep hoping another one will turnip

I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea.

I am going to call it Boba Fetish.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

Three people in bed is called a threesome. Two people in bed is called a twosome.

So now you know why people call you handsome.

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I asked a lot of people the meaning of LGBTQ

.
.
None of them gave me a straight answer

People say starting your own business is difficult,

but I met a lady starting her own clothing company whose signature piece was produced in a completely automated factory. She made it seamstress free.

I don’t know why people say it’s so hard to quit smoking…

I’ve done it like six times

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

Two Jewish guys are walking.....

when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in...

What's it taste like when you go down on old people?

Depends

Some people say rolling for stats in D&D is old fashioned and unforgiving

But I think it builds character.

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

why didn't people make clock out of stone?

cause they had a hard time.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control

And yet cases continue to rise

I was a desk clerk at a low cost hotel for young people but I had to quit.

It was a “hostel work environment.”

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I went to a store that sells door locks for little people.

Low key, it was pretty nice.

Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991

You were too lazy to read that number.

What has two bottoms and kills people?

An assassin

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

I’m starting a group for people who have OCD.

We meet 10 times a day.

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll;

are you trying to quit?

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.

I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.

Are a gluten for punishment.

what do you call a group of Goth people eating ice cream?

Depressed á la móde

I'm planning to start a business on teaching math to short people.

Gonna call it "making the little things count".

Someone once told me, "You have a tendency to twist people's meanings to suit yourself."

I replied, "I'll take that as a compliment."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t you hate those virtue signaling people that say “I don’t see color.”?

Fuck the blind, am I right?

I don't understand how people can spend hours binging netflix

Surely it's the first search result

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I always tell people I work for the United Nations.

It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

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