Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout ...

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

99.9% of people are dumb

Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad said that people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, “This one can seat three people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?”

I hate those people who come and knock on my door, telling me how I have to be "saved" or else I'll "burn"

Stupid firefighters.

I don't see why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless, but anyway you gotta draw the line somewhere or else people will think you're being irrational. But that's beside the point

I dont get why people are laughing in quarantine..

Must be an inside joke

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex between four people is a foursome and sex between three people is a threesome...

Now I know why they call you handsome.

Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!

Whether they like it or not

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

What do Joe Biden and trans people have in common?

Republicans want to block their transition

What are smart people in America called?

Tourist

Vanilla Ice has started a new business teaching Microsoft Office to people’s parents.

Word to your mother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Half of the people who tried anal liked it

The other half says its a pain in the ass

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

Why do Chinese people love playing Among Us?

It's the only place they can vote

I don’t like people who take drugs…

For example, airport security.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

how bad I am as an electrician.

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere

I keep asking people what LGBTQ means,

I never get a straight answer.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who buy sex dolls

are fucking dummies.

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

What do blind people beat off to?

Thots

How did the people of India get so good at medicine?

They've got much practice thanks to a lot of Sikh people

95% of people are completely STUPID

Luckily, I’m in the other 10%

What do you call a committee made up entirely of people named William?

A Billboard.

Who are the shiniest people In Europe?

The Polish.

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

Some people think guns are beautiful.

I think tasers are stunning.

Why do British people call themselves “Bri ish”

Because they drank the t

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

I really hate it when people say “SAY NO TO DRUGS”

I mean if I’m talking to my drugs, then I already said yes.

Don't throw sodium chloride at people.

That's a salt.

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I don’t know why Gordon Ramsay calls people a doughnut as an insult

Because honestly if someone called me a doughnut that would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever called me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inviting people during Covid is like having sex

You can't force them to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most people get tired after sex, I get

An alarm clock

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

There are 10 types of people in the world:

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Why do people on the iss use linux

You can't open windows in space

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

I don't like people who do Yoga

They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...

...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

When I die, I want the people I did group projects with me to lower me into my grave...

...so they can let me down one last time.

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do people have phone sex?

The charging hole is too small for me

How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there.

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

There are two types of people in this world

1. Those who can extrapolate from a given data.

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

Why can't dead people catch COVID-19?

because they're six feet under.

They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.

Apparently you aren’t one of them.

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it is also likely be told in some form before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

#

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great thing about goofy people is that they're always goofing off.

Now jerks on the other hand...

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Edgy people on reddit are always talking about how the got nothing to lose...

Seems like they forgot about their virginity

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

Who were the first people in Australia to have a 6 pack?

The Aboriginals

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

Tractor beam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

3 people try to escape a mental institution

They decide to kill the three guards and leave. One guard is in the room with them, another in the hallway, and another guarding the gate. They kill the one in the room, kill the one in the hallway, and then make their way down to the main gate. When they arrive at the main gate, they find out the g...

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

An exercise for people who are not in good shape.

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag ...

How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

You wanna go ride bikes?

what do people do if a furry nearly drowns

give them furs-taid


yeah its not that good ik

What kind of glasses do people who like guys and girls wear?

Bifocals

They say one out of every 5 people on the planet is Chinese.

The thing is, there’s 5 people in my family. On of us must be Chinese.
I know it can’t be me. I’m pretty sure it’s not my mon or dad.
That leaves my brothers: Shawn, and Zhang Wei.

Whispers: *I think it’s Shawn...*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people are bi-sexual

I'm just bi-myself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is that people keep reposting the same joke and still get thousands of upvotes?

The fuck I know? If I knew I wouldn't be posting this, I'd be reposting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't people like to hit a Trump Pinata?

Because they know it's full of shit.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

There are 3 kinds of people...

There are 3 kinds of people, people who are good at math and people who aren't.

People always say we Germans don't have fun

Well, obviously we don't. Whenever we try to have some fun someone comes around and helps France!

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people say that Jesus didn’t die a virgin.

He didn’t. He got nailed right before his death.

It gets me very angry to see people fat-shaming

Please guys, they have enough on their plate already

French people don’t feel pain.

They eat it.

There are 2 types of people in this world....

1) People who think the government is looking out for their best interests.

2) People who think.

I don't know why people doubt the Pfizer vaccine...

...their magic blue pills work!

...so I've heard...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how some people have arachnophobia?

Do you reckon some spiders have homophobia?

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals....

....are missing the point.

Why don’t the people who write jokes on this sub get drunk at parties?

Because they don’t know how a punchline works.

Why do people ask if you like live music.

Of course I like live music, dead music has body but it doesn't have soul...

There are 10 types of people -

-The ones who count in base 10

-The ones who count in base 1010

Why do French people always eat small omelettes?

Because one egg is un oeuf

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

The ultrasound people

There are two types of people

Those who have a verry short attention span..

People say I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow

But there’s always tomorrow

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

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