There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...

Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

How did the Latino kill 50 people at the same time?

I don't know. He must have had a locomotive.

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing

So I took down his confederate flag

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

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What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

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Why are there an even number of people with a fruit fetish?

They always cum in pears.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?

Taiwanasaurus

Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ?

Because they drank it all

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are people from Tampa called?

Floridians

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My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing.

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat

Some people get to experience threesome

Most people get to experience twosome

Guess I'll just have to live with being handsome

How do German bakers greet people

Gluten tag

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

If there is Three types of people who I hate...

It's people who can't count

and hypocrites

I have a lot of jokes of unemployed people

But none of them work...

Lazy people fact #2048290320389220192842991

You were too lazy to read that number.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

I just got a joke book whose entire gimmick is the fact that you can rip the pages out and hand it to people.

Its a book of tear-able puns.

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

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what do you call two old people having sex?

a slowpoke.

A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircrafts...

I think they're done by Cereal Killers.

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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test out the robot at dinner one night. The father asks his son what his son did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some homework.” The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, ok. I was at a friend’s house watching a movie.” The dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” The son sa...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

Apparently, people in Dubai don’t believe in the Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi do!

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

What do LGBT people say at the end of a conversation?

Bi

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

If glue is made from animal fat, what's made from people fat?

Heart attacks

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Did you know that 80% of people masturbate while in the shower, and the other 20% whistle or sing the same song? Do you know what the name of the song is?

Well I guess I know what you’re doing in the shower!

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Did you know people who put concrete in their ass get memory loss?

I dont remember where i read that though

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What do you call 2 people from different countries having sex?

Foreign Affairs

My dog kept chasing people on a bike...

It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

Only people who hate the president are allowed here.

Everyone else is forbiden

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

Why do British people pronounce it "bri'ish"?

Because after the incident in Boston, they always hide the t

I never understood why people hate Internet Explorer and Microsoft Edge so much

I am always able to flawlessly download the Firefox Installer using them.

People keep telling me I have a superiority complex. I don't think that's true

I'm just better than everyone else!

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Some people call me a Grammar Nazi and I HATE it!

I am clearly not Anti-Semantic.

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People say I’m an asshole but I’m not

For example, this one time I saw a kid crying and asked where his parents were. God I love working at the orphanage

Most people know 'SCUBA' is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know 'TUBA' is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

What was completely ruined because too many people start doing it?

Yo momma.

Some people say I'm really good at arguing

I'm a master debater

I like my coffee the way I like people.

I don't like coffee.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

3 people walk into a room.

One is a stoner, one is a vegan and one is an LGBT supporter. How can you tell which one is which?


They'll tell you

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

You know why blind people don't jump out of airplanes?

It scares the dog.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

What do depressed people and monkeys have in common?

They hang from trees

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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them

I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I always give up my seat to blind people on the bus

Anyways today I lost my job as a bus driver

Alot of people are like moths

Attracted to light but stuck in the dark.

Originally, I meant this seriously and posted it in r/showerthoughts, but once it was autobotted I realized it was a pun too

Don’t make fun of fat people

It’s already hard enough for them to get up in the morning

There are two types of people in this world

and I'm not one of them.

Climate change is causing people to move into hilly and mountainous regions

According to one expert on YouTube it is plain unsettling.

I don't get why people are upset that some people with the same name met and hung out.

After all, they were just Joshing.

How many blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None: they never noticed it was out!

Educated people are hot

Because they have more degrees

I have a problem of hiring too many people for my business, and I finally decided to do something about it.

I am seeing three psychiatrists.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese

... and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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People say the testicles and the ovaries are very similar

But there is a vas deferens between them.

I support the One Planet One People project

Consider this your notice to vacate the planet by 6PM Greenwich Mean Time this Sunday

I’ve always loved people, places, and things

That’s why I’ve always been pro-noun

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

There are 5 types of people in this word

Those who can spell, those who can count, and those who use reddit

Virtual Bubble Wrap Time!!! Again. Don’t say in the comments, let people find hidden message on their own ;)

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!p...

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

What's it called when you try to appear PC by conspicuously including little people in your company's ad material

Tolkienism

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Why do people like telling Michael Jackson jokes.

Because when they do he goes HeHe.

I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read.

It's only 3 words.

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I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't eat.

So fuck you , silica packets.

People like to say that popular music today is so simple, but it's actually always been this way.

After all, Nina Simone is most famous for a 10 minute song about cinnamon.

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

How do you keep people who ride 4-wheelers entertained?

A TV

I'm getting sick of people misspelling their homynyms

We should round them up and leave them in a dessert

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I think gays are pretty much all smart people.

They're a homo genius group.

Now that Matthew McConaughey might be running for governor of Texas people are wondering what his politics are...

I think it’s obvious he’s a member of the Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right

There are three people running from the cops. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and one was a blonde.

Eventually, they find a barn and try to hide from the police.

The brunette decides to hide in a haystack, the redhead decides to hide in a horse trough, and the blonde decides to hide in a bunch of potato sacks.

When the police come by the haystack, they hear a rustle.

"What was...

I’m tired of people calling me a rapper. It’s simply not true!

I always ask for my lovers’ consent.

When people talk about the "average citizen" I always get confused.

Is that normal?

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to too.

People who vaccinate their kids are crazy!

Hell no, I didn’t vaccinate my son! Are you out of your mind!? I had a doctor do it!

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.

“Would I? Would I?” he yells excitedly.

In complete disgust, she yells back, “Peg Leg! Peg Leg!”

What do you call a supervillain that kills people with handjobs?

Death Stroke

People always say I fall for the slippery slope fallacy...

What’s next? Schizophrenia? Psychosis ?

Theres a llot of things people respect about me

I have a heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo

Doctor, I have a feeling people ignore me...

- Doctor, I have a feeling people ignore me...
- Next, please

Stupid people are like Slinkies.

They don't have much purpose, but it's fun to push them down the stairs.

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

What .io game did people in the 1920s play?

Pol.io

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.

Three people in a bed is called a threesome

Two people in a bed is called a twosome.
Now you know why people call you handsome.

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

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