Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

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why are black people so good at basketball?

because they practice

Why do British people say British like Bri ish?

Because they drank the t.

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

People always tell blondes blonde jokes but I enjoyed this one

A blonde was speeding in a school zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ...

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

What are the smartest people in America called?

Tourists.

These times are harder on people with disabilities.

My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.

In a dad-a-base

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Gay people jokes aren’t funny.

Cum on guys

A bus carrying many ugly people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.

The next person can’...

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ...

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

Suicide jokes don't fly with most people

They hang

I hate people that take drugs

You know, customs officers and policemen.

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs hi...

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the balls.

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

My dog kept chasing people on bikes

I never should have taught him to cycle!

A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer

How do people lose their kids in the mall......?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Three people, a Welshman, a Scotsman and an Englishman, are walking along together when they come across a genie.

The genie offers them three wishes.

The Scotsman goes first, saying, “I want a wall across the Scottish/English border to stop the English from coming into my beautiful country!”

The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears.

The Englishman goes next, saying, “I want a w...

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

In which city do fat people stay?

Obesity.

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Why do some people masturbate so often?

Because it cums in handy.

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

2019: Stay away from negative People

2020: Stay away from positive people

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

The people who wear their masks below their nose actually makes sense...

They're just dumb mouth breathers

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If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…

I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.

I just wanna say to all people suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Bitch.

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Why don't blind people pick up after their guide dogs?

Because they can't see shit.

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I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

People treat me like a god

They ignore me until they need me.

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Why do black people only have nightmares

Because the last black person to have a dream got assassinated

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

I wrote a terrible joke about blind people.

Good thing they’ll never see it.

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people.

I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea

That means one guy likes it.

What .io game did people in the 1920s play

Pol.io

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn”

Stupid firemen

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

You shouldn't fat shame people.

But to be truthful, they won't come running after you.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital. People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.

At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Once Putin threw a grenade and killed 5 people

Then it exploded

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard?

a pillowfight.

There are 3 types of people

Them: "the glass is half full"

Others: "the glass is half empty"

Me: "they didn't get my order right"

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My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

I hate people that take drugs..

This whole “airport security” thing has gone *way* too far.

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

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A well meaning doctor opened an orgasm clinic for people struggling with sex. nsfw

Nobody came.

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

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I hate people who make fun of Uranus by calling it names like your anus. I always tell these people:

You're heinous.

There are 10 types of people

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Why don't people eat clocks?

It's too time consuming

I support the anti-mask people

Thanks to them the average IQ is rising

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Good looking people are always busy.

I could tell you why but I'm busy right now.

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Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them.

I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

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3 people are fighting

An American,British, And Chinese are fighting over who is the best swordsman. They say whoever can slice that fly on half wins.

The American slices in half with ease.

The British does 2 slices, and it's in 4 pieces.

The Chinese does one swipe. The American and the British are l...

Some people just need a high five

In the face.

With a chair.

not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins

**Phoebe:**

**Joey:**

**Chandler:**

**Monica:**

**The monkey:**

**Rachel:**

**Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.

People dont laugh at my communist jokes :(

They laugh at OUR communist jokes

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

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I always hate going camping with horny people.

They’re always fucking intense.

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Some people say there's nothing wrong with sex with a 60-year-old woman.

But I think it's entering a grey area.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

I have a lot of jokes on unemployed people...

But none of them work

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

My robotics professor likes to tell people he's MIT

Made In Taiwan

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Five asexual people are playing cards

One of them starts to explain the rules and then he pauses and says
“I would say no cheating but there’s already five aces at the table”

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A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

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My buddy said he thought it was crazy how little people read these days.

I called him an asshole, and told him that they read just like we do.

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

There are 3 kinds of people in the world.

Those who are good at math, and thise who aren’t.

Dyslexic people of reddit,

Untie!

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top.

It's was tough in the Gateau

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What has 2 butts and kills people?

An assassin

Most people find unnecessary acronyms annoying

But that's TBE

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Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What do you call when ten people fall into a trap?

TENET.

People are always telling me to live my dream...

... but I don't **want** to take an exam I haven't studied for...

I was wondering why British people pronounce it as Bri-ish.

Then I realised that they drank all the tea.

A police officer told me my dog was chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous! My dog doesn’t even own a bike!

Kim Jong Un proudly tells his advisors:“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”
<...

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Why don’t Chinese people rap?

If Korean pop is Kpop, then Chinese rap would be Crap.

Also, rap is an expression of unfiltered emotion and experience, which is banned in China.

I interviewed some people about what shampoo brand they used.

To my surprise, all 10/10 of them uses "GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM"!

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My therapist asked me to write letters to the people who have wronged me and then set them on fire.

I wrote it and set them on fire. Now what should I do with the letters?

P.S: Not OC. Taken from r/AskRedditAfterDark. As I was not allowed to crosspost posting as OC.

To the people without a gag reflex

Hope you don't choke on it

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Four people are in a train compartment in France

There's an attractive young woman, a plain older woman, a French man and an English man.

The train goes into a tunnel and the lights flicker out. In the dark, there’s a loud *slap!* and when the lights come back on, the French man is rubbing his cheek.

The plain woman thinks, "That ...

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People often act like a cock and balls is all one unit

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît

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What do British people and statues have in common?

WE NEVER FUCKING MOVE

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Instead of trying to determine what is fake news, people should just use a trustworthy source that is known for its accuracy and high content standards.

Personally, I get my news on Facebook, because the reporters always provide all the facts and live their ideals.

It is efficient, too. For example, in less than 5 minutes this morning, I found 9 essential oils that can cure me of my sexuality, discovered that those vaccines I had 20 years ago...

Why areshort people better than tall people?

They are more down to earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he
did that afternoon.

Son: "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son....

Son: "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house wat...

How do people in Europe dress?

Very nicely, but nothing to Francy.

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People are always arguing whether boobs or ass are better.

But I’d rather have a whole human than just a body part.

What do you call a serial killer who kills 2 people in one year, 4 the next, and 16 the year after?

A second degree murderer.

How are snowflakes and people similar?

It’s hard to drive when they’re piled up on the road.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So i saw some people translating jokes so here is a Turkish one. One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey...

One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey and challenges everyone in the bar for a fight.

\-Are there anyone who believes he can defeat me ?

Temel gets up and walks to the door saying:

\-I can do it. Let's see what you are made of.

A few minutes later Temel walks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 dyslexic people run into a bank

One shouts “Air in the hands, mother stickers, this is a fuck-up!”

There are three types of people in the world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do we call these entitled people Karen?

Cause they don't have a fucking Karen the world!

(I just woke up and thought of this joke idk if it's been done before, thanks for reading)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

I walked into a men’s room but couldn’t pee when I stood at the urinal as there were two people peeing next to me.

Too much peer pressure.

How many people with alzheimers does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side

Did you know vampires are dog people?

After all, they have the biggest canines.

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