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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

People are astonished when they see the tattoo that I got in Madrid

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag

I’ve asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.

Nobody has given me a straight answer.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

People still think there are vampires in Romania.

But I haven’t seen one since 1645.

You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?

Well, next year is 2020 too.

Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.

Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish?

Because the Tea fell in the harbor.

How do you stop 2 deaf People from arguing?

You turn off the Light

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Amy Schumer told people she wanted to be a comedian and they laughed

Now she’s a comedian and no one’s laughing

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

There are two types of people in the world.

Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

People say you cant be sad in Hawaii, its a magical place

Apparently, they've never heard of a tropical depression.

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

What's with all these people supporting ivermectin?

Don't people know it's just a ploy by big farmer??

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

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To the people that have 5 different toilets:

Get your shit together.

There are 10 types of people in the world...

One who understands hexadecimal, and the other F.

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

When I was young, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of us had to settle for Sony.

Turns out — that was just a stereotype.

How do old people become cool again?

Hip replacements!

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

Whats the difference between the people praying in a church and the people praying in a casino?

The people in the casino mean it.

Why do people dread mornings in Athens?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*

"Hey, aren't you that guy who gets mistaken for people?"

"No, you got the wrong person there mate."

What do all British people who love criticizing American healthcare have in common?

2 dead teeth and 7 cavities.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”



The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Why are people taking Ivermectin?

They think it behooves them

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People who can’t choose between “your” and “you’re” correctly piss me off.

Like, our you fucking kidding me?

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A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

Why are british people good at chess?

Because their queen can't die.

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

Why are LGBT people so fashionable?

Because they spent a lot of time in the closet

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

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What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

At least two, but they probably won't fit in the lightbulb

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What do you call a hotel for people with small dicks

The bear-lee inn

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

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3 people stranded

3 people are stranded at an island.

They see that there is a tribe. One of them says " fuck it,
lets just go" and they go to the tribe.


They immediatly get captured and bonded to a log.

First man gets questioned.

"Ooga or death?"

"Ooga" says the first man ...

What is a videogame people have been waiting forever and devs never seem to release the sequel?

Formula 1

A lot of people don't laugh at my dead baby jokes.

And that's fine. I guess you had to be there.

Can you believe people are still in Louisiana?

Ida been gone a while ago

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the co...

how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

i dont have the exact number, but its probably moderna few.

What is the fastest way to stop a verbal fight between deaf people?

Turn the lights off.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

Please stop making jokes about little people

How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc.

So many blanket statements.

Statistics

Statistically:

\- 5 people out of 6 are satisfied with the result of Russian roulette

\- 0 out of 6 people complain about the result

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

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My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.

Or at least she claims she’s my therapist.

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

You gotta hand it to the short people out there

They can’t reach it by themselves

How was Jaws able to sneak up on people while they were swimming?

Wouldn't they hear the tuba?

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

I hate when people say “It’s a quarter till 9”

Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

They’re 3 different kinds of people in this world

Those that can count, and those that can’t.

Statistically 100,000 people die each year playing Russian roulette ....

It's mind-blowing!

There are two kinds of people in the world.

One group consists of the people that can think logically.

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I asked 100 people what they're Favorite shampoo was!

The most common reply was ''How The Fuck Did You Get In Here!?''

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

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I went to Spain a couple of years ago for 10 days and had sex with 10 different people

I had a good hole-a-day

I think hanging people is a poor choice of professions for an executioner. Better to be the guy with an axe.

Because, with the axe, it’s easier to get ahead...

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What has two butts and kills people?

an assassin

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

I took a pole and found out that 100% of people

were angry when the tent fell down.

People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

There are 11 types of people

binary, non-binary and those who think it's a transphobic joke

People often overlook one of the greatest military advantages that Hannibal had when crossing the Alps...

The elephant of supplies.

I thought people would take issue with my having two wives.

But everyone said it was awful bigamy.

Do you think when fat people send smiley faces

They send them like this :))

I don’t understand why so many people were in Afghanistan.

I’ve heard it’s because it’s always Sunni there, but right now conditions are looking like Shiite.

People say the first year of marriage is the hardest

Trust me, the last year is way, way harder.

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My kids keep asking me if can let them play outside now that people are getting vaccinated from the virus…

I have to keep reminding them that they were in the basement before COVID and they’re gonna be in that basement way after COVID.

So few people today disassemble their watches, take away the hand showing seconds and sell it to other people

the second-hand second hand market is minute.

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . .

encourage you to pick your nose.

What's with the hate towards lazy people?

They haven't done anything!

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

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why don't blind people go skydiving?

because it scares the fuck out of the dogs

Why do French people eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

What do you call an airplane full of bald people?

Receding airlines...

Jesus was really bad at threatening people...

He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

Why do people tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play needs a cast.

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

How does the ghost of Adele scare people?

She sneaks up on them and says hello from the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty dollars,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the m...

Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish

Of course he was Jewish 30 years old single

living with his parents,

working in his father's business,

his mother thought he was gods gift

Give it up oh course he was Jewish

- Robin Williams obm

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