Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it’s their cake day just for upvotes…

You won’t catch me doing that today.

Why are people from New York always depressed.

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

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I saw a homeless guy telling people dirty jokes for a dollar

So I went up to him and gave him a dollar. He happily pocketed the dollar and said “you see that white cat over there, how many teeth does it have?”

So I said “ I don’t know….”

He said “ how many hairs does it have?”

I again replied saying I didn’t know.

He then said to...

It's been months since I ordered the book "How To Scam People Online"...

It still hasn't arrived yet.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Alabama is the stupidest country in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the best choice.

3 people are interviewing for a job at the CIA

All 3 have interviewed and performed extremely well and it's time for their final test. They arrive and see a door leading into a sound proof room.

"Enter the room, read the note card, and carry out your orders" the interviewing agent says.

The first applicant enters the room, closes t...

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Gay people are really starting to piss me off

They're always like "I'm not gay" and "I think you're projecting"

Like fuck me dude

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

How do non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

How do non-binary ninjas kill people?

They/them

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

What group of people never get angry?

The nomads!

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!...

Some people think the testes and the prostate do the same thing, but that's not true...

there's a vas deferens between the two

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems"

#

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

How does a nonbinary ninja kill people?

They slash Them.

Why don’t people from Alabama have family trees?

Because it’s just one long branch.

I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands.

I mean, I'm usually wrong. But, I can guess.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

What did the ocean say to the people on the beach??

Nothing, it just waved….

TIL people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce.

They can't see the red flags.

Why does the army need people under the age of 5?

For the Infantry

People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…

….and Michael had a penis.

Why is fatshaming people wrong?

They already have a lot on their plate...

My wife and I were walking out of a nice restaurant, and there was a young teen in shabby clothes asking people for their doggy bags

We immediately gave him ours. I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes - what gave me away?"

I replied, "Obviously, your parents."

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

A lot of people text while driving.

I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret while we’re drunk.

I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people

I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.

I farted in an elevator full of people, but no one reacted

It must have been a noble gas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

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I've heard the monkeys at the zoo are now throwing their poo at people walking past their exhibit.

Shit is really getting out of hand

People are a lot like Vegetables

Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

Most people think incest jokes are offensive

But I find them to be family friendly myself.

What do you call a fight between Trans people?

TRANSACTION

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

People laughed when I said I was gonna be a comedian

Well, they're not laughing now

Was at a restaurant with friends and overheard this table next to us taking turns bragging about the most famous people that they have ever met.

Dave, the bus driver, and I had a good laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked to speak at a club for helping people with premature ejaculation. I asked what I should wear to the speech:

They told me I could just come in my pants

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

I have so many jokes about unemployed people

Sadly, none of them work

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do people from Alabama use for porn?

OnlyFam

I get very annoyed when people mix up there, their, and they're.

From now on I'm going two point it out weather they like it or not

Why do masochistic people tend to explode?

Because they are propane

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

There are two kinds of people.

People who divide people into two kinds of people and people who don’t.

Three men entered a swimming race for people with disabilities. One of the three men had no arms, one had no legs, and the third was just a head with no body.

The three men got onto the starting blocks. The whistle blew, and they all jumped into the water. The armless man and the legless man started to swim to the other end of the pool, but the head with no body sank to the bottom.

It was a very close race, but the armless man won. But when he and ...

I'm really funny, people tell me my humour comes in all sorts of colors.

Someone suggested I should be a stand up chameleon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Some people like to call their mistakes "happy accidents."

Others get creative and give them cute little names like Nathan, or Thomas, like my parents did.

People who make counterfeit batteries....

Belong in cells

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

People say I’m paranoid…

…because they know I’m on to them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity

But she so ugly people are still repelled by her

My wife joined a support group for people who talk too much.

It's called
On Anon Anon Anon.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

People keep claiming I caused a car accident

I don’t know what they’re talking about because I did it on purpose

Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

By the way, Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

What do you call it when meeting up with people from dating apps?

Playing with matches.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

2000 people die at sea every year.

Let that sink in

People never like my cake day jokes

I feel desserted

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To all religious people saying homosexuality is a sin

It’s the BIble, not the straightble

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked to participate in a debate in front of a large crowd of people about the pros and cons of masturbation.

I showed up totally unprepared, as I’ve never been much of a mass debater.

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

How many egotistical people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, they hold the light bulb, and the universe revolves around them.

Guys We gotta stop giving fat people such a hard time

They got enough on their plate as it is.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

People claim to be into recycling

But you should see their faces when you rinse out a condom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car...

The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.

Driver: "how so?"

Policeman: "what car are you driving?"

Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"

Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"

Driver: "...

There are II kinds of people

Those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't

It's true. A lot of people are only after me for my body

Kidneys, liver, heart and lungs.

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

You walk into a bar and there's a row of people ready to punch you

That was the punchline.

People who get mad at me for breastfeeding in public can f*ck off!

It's completely natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

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