UPJOKE
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I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.
AI Image Generator

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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Why are Japanese people so skinny?

The last time there was a fat man, an entire city blew up.

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

A pun walks into a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in. Ten dead.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

They finally did it, Reddit has made impossible for blind people to moderate their sub with the api changes. This is their last statement from r/blind

"H dhei osndhsjbw siso is koqp odjd jsoa JD djs sis ikksbs"

(I am sorry for this horrible joke and I really hope things may work out for you)

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question (Warning not suitable for people under the aged of 18 you have been warned)

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away,
Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but i like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny says i have a question for you. If t...

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Why do british people pronounce it as bri'ish

They drank the T

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

What do you call a group of people with something in common, but hate each other?

drivers

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

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An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

My husband told me he'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

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They say people who drive big cars have a small penis and people who wear small shoes have a small penis

So it's no wonder why everyone is so afraid of clowns.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

there are ten kinds of people

Those who understand binary jokes, and those who don't.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

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Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed twenty people.

Then it exploded.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

Why do French people eat small breakfasts

One egg is an oeuf

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on family

I keep asking people what LGBTQ stands for.

But no one is giving me a straight answer.

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Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

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Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

What do rich people ride to the emergency room?

An ambulance

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

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There are only two types of people worse than racists

The blacks and the jews

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

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They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

Why do some people think Jesus was black?

Cause he is our father, and he never came back.

LGBTQIA people are terrible at telling jokes because

They can't say them with a straight face

People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

As a 6.2 person alot of people wouldask "wow! Your tall! Do you play basketball?"

At some point I started to reply "wow... your short, do you play miniature golf?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

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