What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake?

A motor goat

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

I was trying to milk a goat once...

One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to t...

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Farmer Johnson was caught by his neighbor having sex with his goat.

She called the authorities and had him arrested. Farmer Johnson was very concerned and asked one of his buddies if he knew a good lawyer. The friend said that he knew a lawyer that wasn’t a good trial lawyer, but, he was extremely talented at picking jurors.

On the day of the trial the neighb...

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

What is the tiniest goat called?

An amoebaaa

How do sheep feel about goats?

Meh.

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What do you get when you mix goat DNA and human DNA?

You get kicked the fuck out of the petting zoo, that's what.

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The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

What is the difference between a fish and a goat

One mucks around in fountains

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

In the US cops are called pigs, in Russia they call them goats.

A man shows up at a police station in Russia and says there is a dead goat on the road two blocks away. The cops are like There was no need to come here, call the city or whatever. The guy says Well, I thought when somebody dies the first thing they do is inform their relatives.

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…

Baa dum ssss

Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week?

The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."

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A reporter went to a small village...

And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".

T...

Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck?

There was no more ruminant.

A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common.

When asked about their experience,

the Sheep went: “Bah”

and the Goat went “Meh”.

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas.

I said, you're kidding me.

What did the goat say when it walked across the street?

Baaah

You know why you can’t trust a lady goat?

Because they’re always kidding.

Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat.

As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Abdul right at ...

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Bob the builder

This is an old one, hopefully most of you haven’t heard it.

So the old man Bob was sitting with village children and reminiscing about old times. Bob says “ I built so many homes but nobody ever says, Bob the great home builder. Bob built so many miles of road but nobody calls Bob the great ...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

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Purty goat

A young man got his first real job with a mining company. The mining camp was way out in the hinterlands- there wasn't even a town within a two hour drive. A couple of days in he realizes the men have taken to satisfying their manly urges with goats who were grazed nearby. He expressed his disgust, ...

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Taliban

Two afghans fleeing the Taliban
A1: Hurry! We've to leave now.
A2: What about the goats?
A1: Fuck the goats!
A2: Really? Do we still have the time?

What do you call a mockery of a Jewish goat mans dinner?

A Satire Satyr Seder

Guy says to a girl on tinder “You can call me the GOAT” “Why? Cause you’re the greatest of all time?”

“No, cause I’m gonna eat your bush”

What was the name of the movie about a baby goat that learns karate?

The Karate Kid

Where do you find a goat with no legs?

Right where you left it.

A goat walks into a bar

The bartender says, "eh, I've seen greater."

I love Sweden and I love goats...

So, I went to the website goat.se... let's just say it was not what I expected.

We now have a goat in our bedroom.

'But what about the smell?'

'I think the animal will get used to it.'



(Hope that works in English too.)

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An Italian man and his grandson are sitting on a cliff overlooking a town...

"My boy, leta mea tell you something abouta life." says the aged man. "I havea been a Stonemason in thisa town for \*fiftya\* years. For fifty years I have broken my back to build these peoples walls and houses. When people see me do they call me "wall builder Guiseppe"? No, they do not.

"I ...

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A Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Engineer ... and the Taliban.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the m...

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Guy walks into a brothel...

...and says to the pimp,

"I've only got £10, what can I get for that?"

The pimp thinks for a second and says, "you can have this goat"

The guy agrees and goes into a back room with the goat. Next week he goes to the same brothel and speaks to the pimp again,

"I've only g...

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep un...

I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten

I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart

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When I was but a wee boy, I found it funny, so I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat!" group.

Now I am older, and no longer find it funny, but I dare not leave it.

Where does an angry goat write down its problems?

On the ram-page

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

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I grew up in a small village...

...where I pretty much laid all the new roads in the place but was I known as Mikey the road layer?

No.

I single handedly built three bridges across the river there connecting the two sides of the village for the first time ever. Was I known as Mikey the bridge builder?

No....

A lion is about to eat a goat

The goat says, "Please spare me and convert to christianity."

The lion says, "Goat to hell!"

A goat shaved away it's beard and remarked

Not by the glare of my chinny chin chin

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and say...

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My elderly donkey got bludgeoned badly by a large horned mountain goat now I can't walk right.

In other words my old ass got rammed.

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.


(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

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(Long) (Borrowed from Ron Swanson) McGregor walks into a bar...

McGregor walks into a bar and tells a man at the bar "I built this bar with my own hands. I cut the wood, laminated the planks, planed it down, and finished it. Do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No. Come outside with me." McGregor takes the man outside. He points to a stone wall and says, "I...

You know what really gets my goat?

Chupacabras.

A goat tells her boyfriend she's pregnant.

He immediately replies, "What? You're kidding!"

To which she replies back, "Yeah, that's what I said."

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Black or white goat

TV ANCHOR INTERVIEWING A FARMER.

Anchor: what do you feed your goats?
Farmer: black one or white one?

Anchor: white one...
Farmer: grass.

Anchor: and black one??
Farmer: i give her grass too?

Anchor: where do they sleep?
Farmer: which one, black or white?
<...

I hate when people pet baby goats

You’re literally touching kids, perverts!

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A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands.

His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.'
Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.'
'I've been talking to the goat'

What did the papa goat say to the mama goat when she was giving birth?

You've goat to be kidding me!

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

I saw a cartoon portraying a politican like a goat

It was satyr.

What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats?

A pimp

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A veterinary student is taking an important exam, and it's come to such a point that him passing or not passing depends on the last question.

The question is "How to perform an abortion in a domestic goat?".

Unfortunately, the student doesn't know the answer and fails the exam. Afterwards he goes to a bar to drown his sorrows.

When he comes there, the bartender asks him:

- You seem to have something on your mind. How...

Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby!

Mr. Goat : You're kidding.

I don’t have a problem with most ancient gods and the like...

but that Pan really gets my goat.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

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Two newfies were walking in the woods and they saw a goat had his head stuck in the fence...

So the 1st newfie says "I got an idea" he walks up to the fence and F _ _ ks the goat in the ass .
Then he turns to the second newfie and says "your turn"
So the 2nd newfie walks up to the fence and sticks his head in it.

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Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm...

He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you're not around.

His wife says, "You dumb asshole, that's a goat, not a pig."

He shoots back, "Who the hell did you think I was talking to?"

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A man gets home carrying a goat on his arms

As he founds his wife on the couch watching TV he says: "See honey, this is the cow I have to fuck when you're out of town".
The wife is furious: "You're disgusting!!! You're so fucking stupid that you cannot realize you're carrying a goat instead of a cow!!!"
To what the man replies: "I wasn'...

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

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What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS members' dick.

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat?

Because the goat was bleating out too fast.

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A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold?

Achoopacabra

I was banging a goat and I asked her if she was into it,

she said: Mehhhh

A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s...

How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

What do you call a goat that works at a bakery?

A battering ram

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

A farmer has a wife who loves to correct him.

One day, he asks her if he can invite his friend Billy over for dinner. "Don't say Billy," she chastises, "say William."

After they eat dinner, he asks William if he can tell him a tale. "Don't say tale," the wife says, "say anecdote."

When the farmer is about to go to bed, he realizes...

Oh my goat!

Two guys are walking through the forest, and they stumble across a giant hole. They wonder how far down it goes, and try to find something to throw into the hole. One man finds an anvil, and throws it down. They wait for a few seconds and don't hear anything. Suddenly they see a goat running towards...

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan...

They're calling it "Milk"

Be Nice To Goats

They’re Just Kids

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Lost goat

So these two redneck guys are walking through a forest and hunting for squirrels and rodents and shit. They come across a giant sink hole in a wide open cut of the forest. One redneck says to the other “ I wonder how deep this here hole is.” The other redneck says “let’s find something to throw in t...

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

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