The goat

Two hunters are walking through the woods and one of them says " whoa whoa! Watch out for that hole!"
So the other guy says " I wonder how deep it is" and picks up a rusty anvil laying on the ground and throws it down the hole.
They don't hear a sound and three seconds later, they see a goat ...

Where do you find a goat with no legs?

Right where you left it.

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

What do you get when you cross human DNA with a goat?

Arrested and Banned from the petting zoo

Where does an angry goat write down its problems?

On the ram-page

A goat shaved away it's beard and remarked

Not by the glare of my chinny chin chin

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A farmer wakes up to discover that his precious Alpine goat had died overnight.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and discovered his note. She too, followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no ...

What did the papa goat say to the mama goat when she was giving birth?

You've goat to be kidding me!

What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold?

Achoopacabra

I saw a cartoon portraying a politican like a goat

It was satyr.

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

A goat gets its wish granted by a genie

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

I hate when people pet baby goats

You’re literally touching kids, perverts!

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats?

A pimp

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.


(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

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A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands.

His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.'
Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.'
'I've been talking to the goat'

Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby!

Mr. Goat : You're kidding.

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down ever...

Why could the vet not save the hyperactive goat?

Because the goat was bleating out too fast.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

I was banging a goat and I asked her if she was into it,

she said: Mehhhh

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.


The next day he tries again, but the dog i...

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A man is walking through a small town in Ireland late at night when he spies a pub at the top of a nearby hill.

He notices that the lights are still on so he decides to go and check the place out. As he's walking up the cobblestone path he notices a beautiful white picket fence around the bar. At the top of the hill the man can see the entire village with a gorgeous small church in the distance.

The ba...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

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Black or white goat

TV ANCHOR INTERVIEWING A FARMER.

Anchor: what do you feed your goats?
Farmer: black one or white one?

Anchor: white one...
Farmer: grass.

Anchor: and black one??
Farmer: i give her grass too?

Anchor: where do they sleep?
Farmer: which one, black or white?
<...

A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s...

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

A goat tells her boyfriend she's pregnant.

He immediately replies, "What? You're kidding!"

To which she replies back, "Yeah, that's what I said."

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

You know what really gets my goat?

El chupacabra

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Two newfies were walking in the woods and they saw a goat had his head stuck in the fence...

So the 1st newfie says "I got an idea" he walks up to the fence and F _ _ ks the goat in the ass .
Then he turns to the second newfie and says "your turn"
So the 2nd newfie walks up to the fence and sticks his head in it.

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A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That...

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Really, most things escape baby goats.

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

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Told to me by a miner, so you know it's bad.

A reporter is doing an article about West Virginia, as he is compiling and editing he realizes that he has no human interest story. So he heads out to a local bar and sees an old timer sitting by himself. He explains the situation and asks him what he's like.

The old timer responds, "what do ...

Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland?

It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good.

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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A TV crew was on a remote village making a documentary…

…they stopped a villager and asked him if he would tell a happy anecdote for the camera. The man smiled, gave a deep, longing breath and told “well, there was this time when Sven’s sheep got lost, so it wandered up the mountain, so we got together to look for it. We searched and searched all day lon...

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff..

Baa- dum- ssss

An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.

A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says:

“Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.”

The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. Th...

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

Be Nice To Goats

They’re Just Kids

I used to tenderuse young goats meat

But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

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You see that dock out there?

Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock-builder"? No!

You see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge-builder"? No!...

When is a kid not a kid?

When they're a Zy-goat.

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

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There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

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A man gets home carrying a goat on his arms

As he founds his wife on the couch watching TV he says: "See honey, this is the cow I have to fuck when you're out of town".
The wife is furious: "You're disgusting!!! You're so fucking stupid that you cannot realize you're carrying a goat instead of a cow!!!"
To what the man replies: "I wasn'...

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Three monks...

... have been living in a cave under a vow of silence for many years. One day a goat wanders in, looks around, and wanders back out.

Three years later the guy on the left says "White goat."

Five years later the guy on the right says "Brown goat."

Eight years later the guy...

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The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. 

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-...

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

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Lost goat

So these two redneck guys are walking through a forest and hunting for squirrels and rodents and shit. They come across a giant sink hole in a wide open cut of the forest. One redneck says to the other “ I wonder how deep this here hole is.” The other redneck says “let’s find something to throw in t...

Oh my goat!

Two guys are walking through the forest, and they stumble across a giant hole. They wonder how far down it goes, and try to find something to throw into the hole. One man finds an anvil, and throws it down. They wait for a few seconds and don't hear anything. Suddenly they see a goat running towards...

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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender looks over at him and notices he’s looking pretty down. Curious, he walks over and nudges him.

“Hey man, what’s wrong? You look upset.”

The man doesn’t answer at first, but after enough prodding, he finally sighs and looks up.

“You know, I’ve built hundreds of brid...

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

What do you call a goat that works at a bakery?

A battering ram

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A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost.

Some people in the audience raise their hand.

The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost.

Only a few people raise their hand.

The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost.

An old man at...

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.

Turns out I had phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Young goats shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.

That's how you get kidnapped.

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What do you call an Arab man who owns both a goat and a camel?

Bisexual

Have you seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they came upon a huge hole. They wondered how deep it was so they stared to drop things down it. They started with a stone, and listened. Nothing. Then a large log. Still nothing. Then they found a huge piece of concrete. The two of them struggled to get ...

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

I looooove goats

Nah, just kiddin' they milk everyone of fun

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Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm...

He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you're not around.

His wife says, "You dumb asshole, that's a goat, not a pig."

He shoots back, "Who the hell did you think I was talking to?"

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What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS members' dick.

What do you get if you milk a male goat?

A really really happy goat

How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

A goat goes into labor.

She screams "I'm dying!" Her husband asks "really?" She replies "no I'm kidding"

Martyrs

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby"...

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

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An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

What do you call a knife made to kill goats?

A lamb shank.

My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline.

I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.

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The Goat Joke. (dirty)

So this guy gets stranded on a desert island and he's there alone for years. The only fun thing he can do to pass the time is jerk off. After a while he gets sick of it though and wants to have sex. But the only other living thing on this island is this goat. So he decides he's going to fuck the goa...

What do you call a crude parody of goats?

A Satyr

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…..

One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: "Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep."

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their...

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The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds & discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cockfights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners

in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men ...

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An old man is talking to his granddaughter.

They are sitting on a bench overlooking the town.

The old man says, "You see that lighthouse? I laid every brick that's there today, but they don't call me The Lighthouse Builder"

" You see that dock?", he says to the girl," I put down every post holding it up right now, even in the ha...

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What's the smallest bone in a goats body?

A terrorists dick

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