What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

What do you call an ISIS member who owns 6 goats?

A pimp

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Apparently the answer is "banned from the petting zoo".

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A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands.

His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.'
Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.'
'I've been talking to the goat'

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.


The next day he tries again, but the dog i...

I was banging a goat and I asked her if she was into it,

she said: Mehhhh

You know what really gets my goat?

El chupacabra

A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s...

What do you call a goat with a pancreatic disorder?

Diableatus.

Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby!

Mr. Goat : You're kidding.

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.


(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

A goat tells her boyfriend she's pregnant.

He immediately replies, "What? You're kidding!"

To which she replies back, "Yeah, that's what I said."

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

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When I was a kid, I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat" group because it sounded funny.

As an adult, it seems much less funny, but now I dare not quit it.

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

I used to tenderuse young goats meat

But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

Be Nice To Goats

They’re Just Kids

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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Two newfies were walking in the woods and they saw a goat had his head stuck in the fence...

So the 1st newfie says "I got an idea" he walks up to the fence and F _ _ ks the goat in the ass .
Then he turns to the second newfie and says "your turn"
So the 2nd newfie walks up to the fence and sticks his head in it.

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Ghosts!

So it's the first day of the parapsychology class. The teacher asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"

All of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"

About 90% of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"

About 20% ...

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

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The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. 

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-...

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff..

Baa- dum- ssss

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Lost goat

So these two redneck guys are walking through a forest and hunting for squirrels and rodents and shit. They come across a giant sink hole in a wide open cut of the forest. One redneck says to the other “ I wonder how deep this here hole is.” The other redneck says “let’s find something to throw in t...

Oh my goat!

Two guys are walking through the forest, and they stumble across a giant hole. They wonder how far down it goes, and try to find something to throw into the hole. One man finds an anvil, and throws it down. They wait for a few seconds and don't hear anything. Suddenly they see a goat running towards...

Two men are walking through the woods together and they come across an insanely huge hole in the ground.

The first man picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole. The rock vanishes from sight, and neither guy could hear the rock hit the bottom.

The second man decides to throw a huge log into the hole. After a few seconds pass, again there was no sound.

Both men, wanting to know how dee...

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"

About 20 students raise their hands.

The professor asks, "Has anyone ever...

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a large hole in the ground.

The first hunter says to the other, "That looks really deep. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how far it goes."

To find out how deep it really is, the hunters toss some nearby pebbles into the hole and try to listen for when the pebbles hit the bottom. None of the pebbles make a sou...

Two guys are walking through a field when they came across a well.

One of the guys asks "how deep do you think that is?"
The second replies "That's easy. Just drop something down it, count how many seconds it takes to hit the bottom, and multiply by 9 meters for each second. Give or take for air resistance."


"What should we drop?" Said the first.
L...

Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well

They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there.

They wait a while......nothing.

They spot a good sized rock and toss it down the well next.

They wait a while.....still nothing.

The...

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What do you call an Arab man who owns both a goat and a camel?

Bisexual

They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan...

They're calling it "Milk"

What do you call a goat that works at a bakery?

A battering ram

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.

Turns out I had phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Young goats shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.

That's how you get kidnapped.

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground...

They approached it and are amazed by the depth of it. The first Hunter says, "Wow,that's some whole.I can't even see the bottom.Must be an old mine shaft. I wonder how deep it is."


The second Hunter says,"Well,let's grab that old transmission over there and throw it down in the hole and w...

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A man gets home carrying a goat on his arms

As he founds his wife on the couch watching TV he says: "See honey, this is the cow I have to fuck when you're out of town".
The wife is furious: "You're disgusting!!! You're so fucking stupid that you cannot realize you're carrying a goat instead of a cow!!!"
To what the man replies: "I wasn'...

I looooove goats

Nah, just kiddin' they milk everyone of fun

Have you seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they came upon a huge hole. They wondered how deep it was so they stared to drop things down it. They started with a stone, and listened. Nothing. Then a large log. Still nothing. Then they found a huge piece of concrete. The two of them struggled to get ...

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday

What do you get if you milk a male goat?

A really really happy goat

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

What do you get when you cross a girrafe with a goat?

Arrested for unethical experimentation.

A goat goes into labor.

She screams "I'm dying!" Her husband asks "really?" She replies "no I'm kidding"

My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline.

I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.

I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"





I said, " Thank you, I'll have chicken please"




She replied, "You're having soup, you fat goat. I was talking to my cat"

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Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm...

He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you're not around.

His wife says, "You dumb asshole, that's a goat, not a pig."

He shoots back, "Who the hell did you think I was talking to?"

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What's the smallest bone in a goats body?

A terrorists dick

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…..

One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: "Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep."

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their...

Long, but worth it.(?)

Two hunters were walking around a farmer's property looking for game when they came across a very large, seemingly bottomless hole in the ground.
'How deep you think it is?'
'I dunno, let's chuck something in'
They look around for some big enough to make a decent sound when it hit the botto...

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Johnny was a bitter man

"Look at all those trees" he said as he pointed towards a forest. "I planted all of those. Do they call me Johnny Tree-planter for that reason? No they don't"

Johnny turned around and pointed at a row of houses. "Look at all those houses." He said. "I built those. All of them. Do they call me...

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The Goat Joke. (dirty)

So this guy gets stranded on a desert island and he's there alone for years. The only fun thing he can do to pass the time is jerk off. After a while he gets sick of it though and wants to have sex. But the only other living thing on this island is this goat. So he decides he's going to fuck the goa...

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A man walks into a bar.

The only other person at the bar is an older man. After a few moments of silence the man turns and says:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor t...

Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through his family pictures, "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, “They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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You know you can build a thousand bridges and NEVER be known as a bridge builder...

But you fuck ONE goat...

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The goat at the base of the hill

A man is new to town and steps in the local pub for a drink. After a couple drinks he decides to ask the bartender

"Where are the women around here? I need to get laid."

The bartender says "You're not gonna find any around here, but there is a goat at the base of the hill..."
...

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What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS members' dick.

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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

It's way easier to drink goat milk than you'd think.

It's getting the grass stains out of your clothes that's the hard part.

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So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor ...

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Id love to get mad at my baby goat when she headbutts.

But you cant blame her. Shes just a kid.

Goat

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong but I say whatever floats your goat.

A Scotsman is drinking at the bar.

"I've been layin' bricks fer twenty years" he said in a dejected tone.

"But they don't call me McGregor the bricklayer do they?!" He sipped his drink and continued.

"I've bin paintin' hooses fer thirty-five years." He continued to sip his drink, his inflection getting angrier and more ...

Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner.


When he arrived, they showed him into the family room, introduced him to their 5-year old son who was playing an old Nintendo game, and disappeared into the kitchen to bring out some refreshment. The minister asked their s...

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A journalist is given a task to interview a man that lives in the mountains and get a funny story out of him.

So the journalist arrives and asks the man a question - "Tell me a funny story that happened in these mountains." The man with a smile on his face says - "I remember this like it was yesterday. Once a neighbour's goat got lost. We got some other men, got booze and food. Went out looking. Took a brea...

a couple were walking in the woods...

when they cane across a huge hole. There was an anvil next to a hole. Wondering how deep the whole was, they dropped the anvil down. A few seconds later, a goat went whizzing by and fell down the hole. A few minutes later a farmer ran by and asked the kids if they had seen his pet goat.

"Yes,...

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

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