UPJOKE
cattlebullockoxcowpigelephantcastrationcamelboarhorseherdoxenhornbullfightingbison

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

I have a bull that wouldn't breed with the other cows.

So I called the veterinarian and he gave me some pills for the bull. About 2 hours after giving the pills to the bull, he started breeding with all the cows, he even broke the fence and bred with the neighbors cows. I don't know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

What do you call a sleeping bull?

.

.

.


A bull-dozer.

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

I had coffee with Red Bull this morning...

After about 15 minutes on the road, I realized I left my car at home.

Accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

...
...
...
I made it halfway to work before i realized i forgot my car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of the bull Pete the Ballsack and the cow Mary the Untouchable

Once upon a time, there was this bull named Pete the Ballsack. Pete the Ballsack was this alpha bull and could have any cow he wanted. All except one. The one that always seemed to get away was Mary the Untouchable. To Pete the Ballsack's defence, she was kept in a barbed-wire fence encasement, so i...

New Bull

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't k...

It's my cake day! Here's my favorite blonde joke.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette tells her s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

What did the cow say to the bull?

I'm not in the mooood.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

The bull gets dishonorably discharged from the Animal Military.

He acted cow-ardly on the field of battle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old bull and a young bull are standing on top of a hill overlooking the grazing area. The young one says, "Why don't we run down there a fuck a cow?"

The old bull replies, "Why don't we walk down, and fuck them all?"

My neighbor bulled up in their new Audi…

I said damn, I’ve still got an Innie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is leading his prize bull to market.

Suddenly, the bull collapses in the lane outside the vet’s house.

The farmer runs up to the house, knocks on the door and asks the vet to help.

The vet looks the bull over and says, “I know what you need.” He goes back to the house and returns with two enormous red pills. The vet say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a computer?

Not sure.....but, when it megabytes, it megahertz.

A man had a cattle ranch that he ran with his two daughters.

One day their only bull went crazy, broke through the fence and killed the man. The bull was injured and was attacking everything and everyone in sight. The daughters had to put him down. They needed a new bull, but they only had $1000 in cash. So one daughter decided to go to town and see if she co...

How do you stop a bull from charging?

Cancel its credit card.

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull; he doesn't seem to be interested in the cows. So he goes to the vet who prescribes a course of pills for the bull.

A few weeks later, a friend comes by and asks Farmer Giles how the bull is getting on.

"Just great!" says ...

Good for ...

"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I am out."

"I will be good for a nickel," replied Tommy.

"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine, unless you are good for nothing."



Source: 1913 newspaper

Political speeches are like steer horns: a point here, a point there,

and a lot of bull in between.

Couple at a Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agriculture show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull produced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in...

What’s worse than a bull in a China shop?

A hedgehog in a condom factory

some tourists are visiting Egypt and they go to see the sacred bull

While they're there the caretaker comes and grabs the bull and says

"sorry I need to take apis".

The tourists are shocked so they ask "on the bull"?!

An agricultural inspector goes to a farm to carry out field tests and inspections.

He calls out in the yard but no one comes so decides to carry on with his inspection. He arrives at the first gate and is about to open it when he hears a shout from the other side of the field.

“YOU CAN’T GO IN THERE!!!!”

He looks over and sees the farmer on an opposite gate so he s...

A rancher hires a bull for his heifer

A rancher hires a bull for his heifer. When they’re both put in the corral to let nature take it’s course, the rancher’s son climbs up on the fence next to the bull owner’s daughter, who is hanging on the fence watching the action.

The boy scoots a little bit closer to the girl and whispers,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny gets a big surprise....

Little Johnny is walking home one day from school when he looks over into the farmers field and gets a big grin on his face. He runs the rest of way home, bursts through the front door and says...

"Mom! Dad! You'll never guess what I just saw!"
"Well go on then Johnny, tell us." His father...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

Where do Mechanical Bulls come from?

They’re raised on a wrench.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Bull takes a shit.

He turns around, sniffs at it, and says,
“That’s bullshit!”
(my dad told this to me)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between cow shit and bull shit?

I was telling my mate a story about how I found 2 identical piles of dried shit. So, I picked one of them up and tossed it in the air. It went 5 metres high before almost landing on my head. I then threw the other one up, 5 metres, 10, 20, it just wouldn't come down. And you know what my mate said ...

What kind of bull has special pockets for his balls?

A pool-tay bull.

I think I was a bull in a previous lifetime

because I’m attracted to red flags

Farmer Giles asks his youngest son to take the cow over to the bull on the other side of the village. After a short time the vicar spots the boy struggling with the cow making his way past the church ....

'Are you alright?' Asks the vicar

'Yes vicar' says the boy, I'm taking the cow to the bull

'Oh dear' says the vicar, concerned to see a small child in charge of such a beast 'Couldn't your father or I help instead?'

'Not really' says the boy 'It has to be the bull'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Madrid goes into a restaurant and orders the special

The waiter brings it, and he asks what it is.

"These are cojones, Signor."

"What are cojones?"

"These are the testicles of the bull, the one which lost the bullfight in the arena this afternoon. They're very good."

So he tries them, and they are very good. He finishes the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough st...

What do you call a Canadian pit bull?

An Onterrier.

Visiting a farm

A husband & wife goes visiting a farm.

They saw a bull mating with a cow.

The wife asked the farm manager.

Wife: “How many times does a bull mate a day?”

Manager replied: “6 times a day.”

The wife looked at her husband and said “…. you see!”

Then the h...

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.



Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don’t inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion…

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Farmer had a champion bull, it bred 200 times a year.

Farmers wife said, “200 times isn’t that wonderful dear,
“Maybe you oughta watch him, maybe he’ll show you how”.
Farmer said, “He’s a heck of a bull, but it wasn’t all with the same cow”

What do you get when you pour Red Bull onto a clock?

A waste of time and energy.

What did the bull say to the milkman, when he tried milking him?

take the udder one!

New bull on the farm

Three bulls on the farm. They were just working out divvying up the heifers (young female cows). The biggest claims 60 of the 100 heifers. The second one claims 30 and the smallest, a puny runt gets 10.

Just as they ironed out the details, a huge trailer rolls up and out walks a monster of a ...

The farmer and his wife needed a new bull...

There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy.

One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into ...

What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy that gave it to him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to Spain......

A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Donald Trump say, when he went to the toilet?

I have to flush some classified bullshit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bull Fight!

A traveling business man is staying at a hotel in spain for a few nights. He goes down to the hotel's restaurant and tells the waiter to surprise him. So, the waiter brings out this huge plate of spaghetti with two huge meat balls on top.

The business man loved the dish and asked what kind of...

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

Bull has Erectile Dysfunction

Farmer tells a veterinarian that his bull won’t mount the cows because of E.D. The vet says that’s easy to fix the vet walks over to a cow sticks his hand in the cow’s privates and takes his wet hand and rubs it over the nose of the bull. The bull immediately gets excited and mounts the cow. The sa...

A bull and a lion are sitting in bar

They're sitting for a while talking, eating and drinking. After a while the bull lion says: "You know what lion, your wife is a real lioness. She lets you go out, have fun, have a few drinks and still manages to have a laugh with you while my wife is a cow."

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could lea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family owned one very horny bull...

And this bull was their only source of money. Other farmers brought their cows to the bull to get them pregnant.
Once a farmer brought two cows, black and brown. The owner of bull sat down under a tree and told his 10 year old son to watch after the bull and tell him what happens later.
After ...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is a DEA

Raid on this old man's farm. They are there just tearing everything apart looking everywhere. The farmer noticed an agent heading towards a particular pen and he wants the agent not to go in the. The agent being a prick and on a power trip pulls out his badge and says "you see this? This means I can...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bull, a brown cow and a white cow.

A boy was watching the pasture field while his mom collected eggs in the hen house. Suddenly he runs in the hen house yelling.

Son: MAMA, MAMA, GUESS WHAT?!

Mom: What son?

Son: I WAS WATCHING THE PASTURE FIELD AND THERE WAS A BULL, A BROWN COW, AND A WHITE COW! THE BULL WENT UP...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has a big problem with an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a local veterinarian.

The veterinarian tells him there is a experimental option to show the bull some hardcore porn.

The farmer says he knows this sounds silly but he has nothing to lose and is willing to try a...

How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow?

The taste of the milk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that the participants of the running of the bulls in Pamplona get so scared that they frequently poop their pants and the streets need to be cleaned frequently.

Turns out it was all bullshit.

What do you get when you breed a pit bull with a shih tzu?

Yiff.

Ferdinand the Bull was on one side of a fence

Elsie the cow was on the other. She winked at Ferdinand. Ferdinand snorted and jump over the fence.

"I'm Elsie the cow. You must be Ferdinand the Bull."

"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was higher than I thought."

What do you call a bull that got stuck in a door?

Adoorabull

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls!

But really, they're all liti-gators

Kinda long

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the b...

What is the difference between a hockey mom & a pit bull?

Pit bulls are intelligent and loving.

What do you call a cute bull fighter?

Matadorable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

Bull auction.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ........

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

Cow or bull?

A farmer learned on his first day how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull... "This milk tastes funny"

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

Speedy

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate! "
One of the other bo...

Jill sees a gorilla in a tree in her yard

So she calls the police informing them of what she has seen. The dispatch informed her to use the phone book to find a gorilla catcher near her.

Sure enough there is a section of gorilla catchers. So she calls and one arrives at her property. Bob shows up with handcuffs, pit bull, and a shot...

A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows

One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows.

One day the farmer gets another bull.

The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium...

A group of bulls is standing on a hillock

They graze and observe cows on the field below. The 2 year old one says "Come on guys, let's go down there and hump all of them." The 5 y/o one says "Easy there buddy. Let's go down there and hump the good looking ones." 7 y/o snorts "Look guys, if cows want it they'll come to us." Then the 10 y/o ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer Vs A Bull

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the au...

Milk that cow..

(Its just a Joke) Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

The Farmhand Joke

A cowboy hired a new farmhand and the farmhand asked the cowboy “What do you want me to do first?” the cowboy said “Go and milk the cows” so the farmhand milked one of the cows and asked the cowboy “Why is this milk so thick?” the cowboy said “That’s a Bull”

I choose to believe in female minotaurs.

I have a lass-half-bull mindset.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

I had a friend who almost died from eating Mountain Oysters.

The bull must've drug him a mile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The seco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.