I’m a very driven individual

I take an Uber every where I go

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

I want to open an Indian restaurant that caters to the workingclass individual.

I'll call it Naan to Five.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

I like the idea of a individual personal hell

It finally means someone will do something special just for me :)

Some individuals understand the most complicated things in the universe...

I'm sitting here trying to figure out my electricity bill.

I organised a support group meeting for individuals with erectile dysfunction.

Though around 20 people registered, many couldn't come.

What's the difference between a well dressed person on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed individual on a unicycle?

Attire

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

11 was a racehorse

22 was 12

111 race

22112

(Say each digit individually)

If Hell is customized to be the worst possible experience for each individual....

Then I guess I’ll never die

What do you call a vertically challenged individual that can commune with the dead and just broke out of prison?

A small medium at large

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

Weebs doing a crossword puzzle

Person 1: Second person personal pronoun. 3 letters

Person 2: You

Person 1: Past participle of fall. 4 letters

Person 2: Fell

Person 1: Not the number, but the word. 3 letters

Person 2: For

Person 1: Horror movie that received a sequel in 2019. 2 letters
...

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Two conspiracy theorists die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, they ask Saint Peter if they can ask God a question. He agrees, and soon they find themselves in front of God.

"God," asked one of the conspiracy theorists, "who caused 9/11?"

"9/11 was caused by a group of God-hating individuals who wanted to sow terror and fear thro...

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3 Men are stranded in the middle of nowhere as their car broke down.

They suddenly see a house in the distance and decide to seek assistance but decide to go individually as they do not want to alarm the home owner. So the first guy approaches the house and is greeted by the most hideous old lady he has ever seen and he asks "hey, is there by chance you have a teleph...

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What do you call a sexual interaction between two trans individuals?

A transaction.

This is the only good original joke I've made in my entire life, and that's not a joke!
Haven't seen this posted elsewhere before.

What did Louis CK call his style of management where he interacts with each employee on an individual basis?

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

Gotta respect the people of Hong Kong for standing up and fighting the power. Can you imagine what life would be like under a dictatorship?

Can you imagine what life would be like under a dictatorship? They could let 1% of the people have the vast majority of the nation’s wealth. They could ignore the needs of the poor for health-care and education. They could help their rich friends get richer by cutting their taxes and bailing them ou...

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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

Several deranged individuals were caught attempting to scale the White House fence today...

Fortunately they were caught before they were able to reach the street.

An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

A blonde is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high.

At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier.

The first joke comes and the blonde is stoi...

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

Did you hear the joke William Barr told Congress?

It was really funny. He said >![This section of the joke has been removed to protect the reputation of third party individuals.]!< It was really one of the better jokes he had told.

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

What happens if you take a popular website, add a dash of censorship, and allow the discretionary system of control to be based on the biases of individuals...

[This post is locked. You won't be able to comment.]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

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They've finally done it!

After years of painstaking research and experimentation scientists have developed a serum that can regrow human body parts

In other news: Reports of individuals who have had their penis accidentally chopped off has increased by 100%

Two individuals decide to spend Ramadan together...

They were fast friends!

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I've had sex with a ton of women.

Or 6 if we are going by individuals.

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Jared Fogel was sentenced to 15.6 years in prison for having sex with underage individuals

He was just happy to get anything under 18

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office

to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" replies the...

Gianna, a beautiful woman, was in the midst of a love triangle with two best friends, Nathan and Joel

Obviously this caused tension between the besties, and as such also troubled Gianna - she liked each one equally.

So on the 11th of February, she spoke to the two lovestruck rivals and challenged them.

"On Valentine's Day, each of you will get me a card - no gift, only a card. The one ...

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

Two Little Troublemakers

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do a...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

The Three Kingdoms

There once was a far off land with a perfectly triangular lake. Surrounding the lake was 3
kingdoms.

The first kingdom was wealthy and was filled with prosperous people, the second kingdom was more humble, but had its fair share of wealth and power. However, the third kingdom was small a...

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.

"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"

The space group is quite surprised by t...

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Tell me what you think of this joke.

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink when an extremely unique individual walks in.

He was surrounded by dozens of beautiful women, his body was covered in expensive jewelry, and his head was an orange.

Overcome by curiosity, the patron of the bar asks the newcomer, “Dude. What *h...

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A whisky distillery is looking for a new taster.

They put out an ad for the tasting job in the newspaper. The next day, a shabby homeless man comes forward to apply and be interviewed. No one on the team is willing to hire him, but the distillery manager lets him sit for the interview for amusement's sake.

He asks his assistant to bring a g...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

Saul and The Lottery

Saul was a devoutly religious man who was alway trying to do good for others. He also wanted very little in return. In fact, throughout his entire adult life he only prayed for one thing: he wanted to win the lottery. Day after day he would perform these acts of kindness without looking for recip...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

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These two guys , Scott and Steve die in a horrible plane crash

As they approach the pearly gates they come upon an able bodied administrator who goes by the name of Peter. This saintly individual welcomes them and says, we are a bit backed up today so we can offer you a visit with some of your fallen comrades while you wait if this pleases you. They quickly ...

At Heathrow Airport today...

An individual claiming to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra crime syndicate and charged him with carrying weapons of math destructio...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

Three ducks got arrested!

All three ducks where getting interrogated individually.

interrogator says to the first duck state your name and what you did!

1st duck replies my names quak and I got in trouble for blowing bubbles! interrogator thinks for a second and tells them to send in the 2nd duck.

interr...

There’s no I in team

But there are 5 in ‘individual brilliance’

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.

It wasn't long before it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plan...

A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-...

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

A person that knows how to change a tire.

Is a very well rounded individual.

Should we eliminate psychopaths from the gene pool?

It might seem like a splendid idea, but as much pain and suffering these individuals put the rest of us through... We still need women for survival of the species.

A bus full of ugly people is driving along a cliff

The bus driver makes a mistake as he eats a burger causing the bus to suddenly fall from the cliff killing all passengers aboard

The group of deformed men and women are woken in front of the pearly gates greeted by St Peter himself

"you lot have had a hard and unfortunate life and as t...

I tend to be extra cautious around tall, large men with ten gallon hats

They’re pretty shady individuals.

There's no 'I' in team...

...but there's five in 'individual brilliance'.

Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

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musician joke

A band is playing a gig. These are the inner thoughts of the individual members.


Guitarrist: "Man I'm way to quiet. Sound guy fucked up, no one can here me"
Drummer: "Damn that gal in the first row, gonna talk to her after the show"
Keyboarder: "That keyboard is fine, but I wi...

Exchanges recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
...

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

(Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?"

"Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

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