UPJOKE
somebodypersonsomethinganybodyanyoneanythingnothingnobodyeveryonewhateverworkernativeindividualsoulmortal

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

A man goes to confess that heโ€™d stolen someone's cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God's name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, "Will you take the cow, then, Father?"

The priest says, "No my son, I cannot accept."

The con...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

The last time I was someone's type.

I was donating blood.

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

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How can you tell that someone's a homewrecker?

It's fucking apparent.

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How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive?

Give them a test-tickle

3rd times someone's charm

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too t...

Quoting someone's mistakes...

Quoting someone's mistakes is a sic burn.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

What do you call it when someone's working on an erotic novel and gets writer's block?

Textual frustration.

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" ...

Feel like someone's watching you?

You're not alone.

Someone's dog was run over by an automobile

Now its a car-pet

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What do you call it when someone's racist against obtuse Jews?

Anti-symmetric.

How do you know someone's a vegan?

They'll tell you!

As I suspected, someone's been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home,

the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind.

But I'm willing to try.

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At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

How do you know its someone's reddit Bday?

Piece of cake!

What's the description of someone's inability to hear?

A deafinition.

If you ever feel useless in life

Remember it is someone's job to install turn signals on BMW's

I hate it when you sincerely compliment someone's moustache

And suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

Someone's been stealing the tires off of police cars recently

Police are working tirelessly trying to find him.

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral

Because that person is still alive?

One hobbit asks another: "Don't you feel like we're just a figment of someone's imagination?"

"Mate I have no idea what you're tolkien about"

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