UPJOKE
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Gotta Jokes

You gotta hand it to short people.

Because they can't reach it on their own.

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“Doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop singing ‘What’s New Pussycat’.”

“Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and ...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Gotta give credit to spiders...

They're the only web-developers out there that actually enjoy finding bugs.

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Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

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A man with a huge penis walks into the docs office...

A man with a huge penis walks into the doctors office and says D-d-d-d-oc y-y-y-ou n-n-need to h-h-h-help m-m-m-me!

The very puzzled doctor looked at this man and wondered what was going on. He did a few tests and found that he isn't getting enough blood flow to his head as its being directed...

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

I gotta find me a cannibal girlfriend.

they don't care about looks, they just care about what's on the inside.

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

Gotta go to a lecture on drilling techniques.

Talk about boring.

"Dude, I really gotta go to the bathroom"

"We got a new Porta Potty backstage"
"Good, I can finally stop going in your trailer."
"...You've been using the bathroom in my trailer?"
"...... Your trailer has a bathroom?"

Woman: Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me. All my sons want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Looks like you have Parking Sons Disease.

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

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When you gotta pee . . .

Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to cl...

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Gotta take a shit

Bob and Jim are chilling in the park when Bob has to take a shit. With no bathroom close Jim tells Bob go ahead I will be lookout. Bobs starts his business when Jim yells "COP". So Bob throws his hat over the pile of shit.

Cop: What's under the hat?

Bob: unm a leprechaun

Cop: ok...

Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking!

Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

Gotta get something..

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

Guys We gotta stop giving fat people such a hard time

They got enough on their plate as it is.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

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gotta love the irish:)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she...

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Gotta Pee...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thoug...

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark...

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You've gotta go for it!

A man walks down the street and sees a rope dangling down with a note: Climb the rope to success!

He shrugs, climbs the rope and reaches a platform. On it is a beautiful naked woman who tells him: "You can choose to stay here with me, or continue climbing the rope to success".

After s...

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Sex is like pizza

Even if it’s bad I still gotta pay for it.

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Gotta have a gimmick

A young man started a new job as a toothbrush salesman. The first day he sold 5 toothbrushes. He saw that one guy had sold 200 so he asked him his secret. The seasoned salesman told him that to be successful he had to come up with a gimmick. The next day the young man returned to the office and ...

Man, you gotta hand it to Elon Musk…

He knows how to dispose of a dead body in style.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

You gotta work from top to bottom!

Certainly the order of operations is important in math, but it's even more important when blowing your nose while sitting on the toilet.

"You gotta prepare me for stuff like that!"

A man goes out of town on business, and asks his good friend if he can house sit for him whiles he's gone. The friend agrees, and a week later, the man shows back up at his home.

"Hey bro!" the man says as he opens his front door. "How did it go while I was gone? Everything go ok?"

"Yo...

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...

Turns out you gotta pay to get into MENSA...

...I thought these people were supposed to be smart?

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

Gotta reduce our costs

After the Wall Street crisis, this executive got a got smaller bonus, so he comes home to his 5th avenue duplex and says to his wife:

- Honey, times are tough now, so if you could learn how to clean and cook, we could get rid of the maid and the cook and save money.

- great idea! Now i...

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You gotta hand it to toilets...

they can take a lot of shit.

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You Gotta Hand It To The Person Who Came Up With Oral Sex.

They were really thinking outside the box.

Gotta love banks...

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Roy...

RIP Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right, dead at 99

You gotta give him credit, going right up to the edge of 100, without going over.

Every weekend I tell myself "John, you gotta quit drinking man"

Good thing my name's not John..

I gotta say I'm impressed with shoplifters

Those are heavy

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A man has to go to the bathroom.

He enters and finds the only stall occupied.

He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"

The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no under...

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

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"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

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A doctor gets called to the hospital in the middle of the night

As it's an emergency, and the highway is completely empty at this time of night, he's going a little over the speed limit. Suddenly, he sees blue lights fire up behind him, and he's pulled over.

The cop approaches the car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"About five mile...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

You gotta hand it to Donald Trump...

He's the only orange that makes you say "mmm, peach!"

Gotta love a dad joke

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!'

You gotta be careful on social media these days.

I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.

My dad used to tell me, "son, you gotta stand up and tell the truth", but instead I sat down and told a lie.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell the truth, I just preferred de seat.

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

You gotta love your job....

My dream job is cleaning mirrors, that's a job I can see myself doing

You know I gotta say, I’m a big fan of shields.

They’re really something I can get behind.

Gotta love Russia

A man decides to go and settle down in Russia. Once there, however, he realizes that the country is in terrible shape: Disease everywhere, people going hungry, no electricity, everything is in shambles. He goes to buy a loaf of bread, but sees the a huge line in front of the store. After waiting in ...

Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

You gotta wonder if after all this global warming talk

If someone in a factory somewhere around the world in a straw factory will say

That's it. That's the last straw

The code-genie

A programmer finds a genie on the darkweb, and the genie messages him: "YOU GET THREE WISHES." So the programmer excitedly immediately wishes to be a billionaire. The genie messages back: "Hold on there pally it's not that easy. You gotta get me out of the darkweb first and into a LAMP."
...

You gotta love North Korea

Especially if you're a North Korean

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A wife sees her husband furiously cleaning the kitchen...

She asks "what are you doing?"

Husband replies "I gotta rub everything down, I just saw a cockroach crawl all over the kitchen!"

The wife nodds and walks away.
Later she goes on askreddit and posts a thread- help: how to catch a cockroach fast, my in-laws are coming and I need to ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch

The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.”
The guy looks around but there is no punch line

you gotta kind of feel sorry for Alex Tribek

most of the time...his life was in Jeopardy!

I went through the Lincoln tunnel today and I gotta say, I’m not ok with the name of where you pay your toll…

…The “John Wilkes booth”?!?!

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You gotta be careful around anyone these days...

I was walking down the street at 7:30 yesterday and a guy pulled out a SCISSORS. Luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Coz if I had pulled out paper, man I would have lost.

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

I'll never forget my first day working with my brother and my dad. My brother put his shovel in the dirt and my dad stepped in and said "You're doing it all wrong, you gotta let the tool do the work."

Then he handed the shovel to me.

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I just watched Fight Club for the first time and I gotta say...

Oh shit, I almost broke the first rule.

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Gotta love those father-son bondings!

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating in front of the computer and asks "Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad replies, "I'm masturbating. Don't worry, you will be doing it soon too."

"Really?"

"Yea, because my arm is getting tired"

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

People make fun of anti-vaxx people but you gotta admit

They do reduce carbon emissions

A newly wed woman says to her friend "i gotta be careful not to get pregnant"

Friend: Didn't your husband get a vasectomy?
Woman: Precisely

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

You gotta keep the car and engine running

80 year old Jim marrined 18 year old Linda and he was the towns envy. Soon Linda got pregnant and was at the hospital giving birth. The nurse told Jim,"Its amazing you managed to do this at your age". Jim replied,"well one has gotta keep the car and engine running"

Soon a year later they were...

Damn it, now I gotta pee sitting down.

My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy.

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