UPJOKE
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Whoever Jokes

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake.

It should have been called takeout instead.

Whoever decided to call it Dentures....

Really missed the opportunity to call it Substitooths.

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

*Boy throws bag at teacher* Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine'...

...clearly never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

..I will find you. You have my Word.

---

To whoever has my voodoo doll,

please hold its hand.

Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well

i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.

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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

To whoever stole my antidepressants:

I hope you're happy now.

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

Whoever invented the teaspoon

caused quite a stir.

Whoever invented zero,

Thanks for nothing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever stole my porno mags....

...I hope you feel like a jerk.

.


Hol up...

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To whoever keeps stealing the urine samples...

Can you please stop taking the piss.

On the internet you can be whoever you want,

it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid.

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My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

According to ATP rules whoever gets to the tennis match earlier gets the ball

First come, first serve

Whoever came up with the name “testes” missed a great opportunity

Considering that women have ovaries, they definitely should have been called underies

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

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Whoever killed hitler is my hero

Wait a minute

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

To whoever stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can’t run.

Whoever took my anxiety medication

I'm worried about you

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

"You can be whoever you want to be!"

Instructions unclear. Currently serving time for identity theft.

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Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

Whoever invented the shovel is a genius

It was a groundbreaking invention

Thanks to whoever made up the word plethora

It means a lot

Whoever invented police helicopters doomed us all

Everything’s gonna happen now that pigs can fly

Whoever doesn't like 80's music needs a Covid Test...

because the symptoms are they have no taste.

Whoever invented wheel,...

... started a revolution.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You’ve taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

Whoever invented the typewriter...

Must have made a prototypewriter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To whoever invented the mini skirt, you are a good person, thank you.

My balls have never felt so free.

Good job to whoever named it a 'Prince Albert'.

It has a nice ring to it.

To whoever stole my contact lens

I will always have my eye on you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should make a statue of whoever killed Hitler

The guy did a great job

Whoever coined the word "lisp"

Was a real ath-hole.

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness.

Has never paid for a divorce before.

Some day, I’m going to catch whoever’s been highlighting all of my documents

Mark my words

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

Whoever invented door knockers

Probably won a Nobel prize

Whoever wins the Mega Millions Jackpot....

… touched me inappropriately 30 years ago.

Whoever said one person can't change the world.....

Never ate an undercooked bat!

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

"Whoever smeal it, dealt it"...

"...so technically officer, this is YOUR marijuana"

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"!

A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!

To whoever broke into the bar last night and stole the limbo stick...

Seriously, how low can you go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God: whoever kills Hitler will go to heaven

Hitler: I’m going to do what’s called a pro gamer move

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever closed last night did an absolute shit job of cleaning and prepping for tomorrow

I hate working from home

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

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Whoever says Asian men have small dicks is wrong!

I knew this Vietnamese banker, and he had a lot of dong

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

I am very upset with my mom. When I was growing up she told me, "You can be whoever you want to be."

That's not true. Turns out Identity Theft is a crime!

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever designed the clitoris emoji is a genius.

Because I can't find it anywhere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever coined the phrase: 'nothing lasts forever', ?

0bviously never tried having a wank over Kathy Griffin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

Whoever tells the biggest lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I di...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

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There is an old saying that says: "Whoever plants tamarind does not harvest tamarinds";

This is because this tree takes 80 to 90 years to bear fruit for the first time.

Once, a boy found an old peasant planting tamarinds and asked him: "Old man, why would you plant tamarinds if you can never harvest them?"

The old peasant, with his infinite wisdom and experience, responde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first night my girlfriend and I stayed togather overnight, we made a deal that whoever woke up first had to surprise the other with oral.

I dont understand why she was so pissed when she woke up with my Dick in her mouth.

Whoever said Obama never created any jobs...

Obviously has never heard of Isis

Heaven is full, whoever had the worst day gets in...

So the first man walks up to the angel and talks about his day: I suspected my wife was cheating on me so I came home to my 25th floor apartment early, I saw my wife naked in bed so I looked everywhere for the guy! I couldn't find him when finally I saw a guy hanging from the balcony, I beat him but...

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky...

you’re a fuquing quoqusuquer.

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

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