Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

Mahatma Gandhi was once thrown out of an Indian bakery. Not surprising really . . .

He was widely known for being naan-violent.

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

A man walks into a bakery with a goldfish in a bowl under his arm and says “Do you have fish cakes?” The lady behind the counter replies, “No”.

That’s a shame he says “It’s his birthday.”

A Scottish man walks into a bakery.

He asks the baker "is that a cake or a meringue"

The baker replies "Nah, you're right mate"

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

I'm thinking of opening a racist-themed bakery...

...and I'm planning of naming it the " Cake Cake Cake".

What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery?

We tart it.

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

Did you hear about the guy that worked for Hostess bakery and tried unsuccessfully to get a job at Tropicana?

Everyone knows that bakers can't be juicers.

What happened when the bakery burned down?

Their business was toast!

What do you get when a rabbit opens a bakery?

Something bunny.

What do you call a bakery critic that robs merchant ships?

A PIE-RATE!

Thinking of starting a bakery supply business

The whisks are great but so are the wewards.

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

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Smashed up a Vietnamese bakery today

They had no choice but to Ban Mi

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

I robbed a bakery today.

It was dangerous, but I took the whisk.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

My friend has a vegetable-themed bakery

What a spud-muffin

What do you call two hotdog buns from the same bakery?

-What do you call two hotdog buns from the same bakery?

-Breadthren

There was a French guy in my bakery

He was being mean so I told him to baguette out of my shop

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

Little Timmy asked the Jewish bakery owner “What’s the challah cost?”

He wasn’t prepared for the anger-fuelled history lesson.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

A man walks into a bakery on March 14th

He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.

He says, man look ...

If you go to a Scandinavian bakery you could Finnish a Swedish Danish.

Norway I'd make this up!

Why are rich people bad at running a bakery?

Because they don’t knead the dough

How did the Scottish bakery employee go undefeated in the 100-yard dash?

Because run, run, as fast as they can. They can't catch him. He's the ginger bread man.

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

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A blind man touches the salt croissants in the bakery...

\-Who wrote all this bullshit!?

An idiot starts to work at a bakery

One day a woman comes in and asks him how much the donuts are. The idiot says “I don’t know.” The lady became annoyed and leaves the bakery. Just then the manager storms in and says, “you have to tell them they’re fifty cents!”

Next day comes, and a gentleman enters the bakery. He asks “so ho...

Did you hear about the French baker whose bakery collapsed on him?

He was in a great deal of pain.

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.

What do you call a redhead who works at a bakery?

A ginger bread man!

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What is the difference b/w a prostitute and a bakery shop?

The bakery shop is not open 24/7

A bunny walks into the bakery.

There he asks the baker if he has any carrot cake.

The bakers says: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

So the bunny leaves, but returns the next day. He once again if the baker has any carrot cake.

Once more the baker answers: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

Once the bunny...

What do people in this sub and a bakery have in common?

They both rely on cake to be successful

I was going to open a bakery

But I couldn't raise the dough.

A bakery can only calculate the size of circular cakes...

if their pie are squared.

A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

I try to get to the bakery around 1:50 PM.

That way I have time to get my cake and eat at two.

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

What do you call a secret agent working in a Bakery?

John Dough!

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

Why did the deer lose her job at the bakery?

She was caught sampling the owner’s doe nuts

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

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Bakery in Pakistan

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Karachi, Pakistan. As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks bac...

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Six lads come into bakery wearing face masks

Had six lads come into my bakery wearing face masks, respirators the lot. Said " alright lads, don't take the piss out of covid". Front one replied" take the piss, your shops on fire!".



credit Steve Whiting

Did you hear about the delivery driver for the local bakery that had 6 extra eyes located all around his head?

He's seen some weird things man but this guy takes the cake.

I went to the bakery and asked for Emo Cake...

Baker: Emo cake? Whats that?

Me: It's cake that cuts itself...

A serial burglar goes on a spree

A serial burglar goes on a spree, robbing homes in an affluent neighborhood. Day after day he steals thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, cash, and other small easily transportable valuables. No one can figure out how he does it because half the time the victims are home at the time, but they neve...

Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988?

Everything was stollen

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

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A mother and her young daughter take a trip to the bakery where the daughter selects a delicious cupcake to eat.

On the way home the mother decides to stop and get her hair done at the hairdressers.
The mother takes a seat in the hairdressers chair and daughter plonks herself down next to Mum and starts eating her cupcake.
The hairdresser begins cutting away at Mums hair, looks down to the daughter and s...

A little girl, around 10 years old, walks into a bakery

The baker's wife, taking care of the sales at the till, can't help but notice her deformed face, her palate cleft and her whole distorted body, forcing her to use crutches to move around. The wife, thinking what a poor life she must have had, asks kindly what she could do to help the lil girl :
...

Of all my favorite burglars in life

The bakery thief really takes the cake

I went to a comedy bakery the other day...

The baker didn't loaf at his own jokes.

It was a bread pan delivery.

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

Four Moles Are Burrowing Under A Bakery

As they get closer to the surface, the first mole in the line sniffs deeply and says, "Mmmmm, I smell cookies!"

They dig a big further, and the second mole raises his noise and says, "Wow, I smell cake!"

The dig goes on another few minutes, and the third mole finally smells something a...

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

What have I named the Pie section of my bakery menu?

Treasure Hunter cus its full of Pie-Rates

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My father owns a bakery and a dairy farm.

It's his bread and butter.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

A man storms into a bakery and says "I want to make a complaint! This muffin is mouldy and tastes like cheese!"

The baker rolls his eyes and says "well, you did ask for a blue brie muffin."

The carrot cake

One day a rabbit entered a bakery and ask the baker if he has a carrot cake. The baker said no. The next day he went there again and asked the same question, and again, the answer was no. After a few days, the baker decided to bake the rabbit a carrot cake. The next day the rabbit entered the bakery...

A billionaire, a schmuck and an immigrant walk into a bakery...

The billionaire takes 9 out of the 10 cakes in the store, points to the immigrant and tells the schmuck: "Watch out, he's gonna take that 1 cake".

A piece of cake

A poor boy enters the bakery begging for money. An old lady goes ahead and buys him a piece of cake, which he devours.
After that the old lady asks "boy, what is your name?"
"John", he replies.
"I just gave you a delicious cake. Do you know what you have to say to me?"
"Yes", the boy ans...

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

A blind man walks into the bakery

A blind man walks into the bakery and asks for 8 poppy seed breads. While the baker gathers them for him, he asks: are you expecting any visitors? No, replies the blind man. But I’m going on vacation, and they have such lovely story’s written on them!

What do you call a Bakery run by a person with Parkinsons

A Shake’n’Bake

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

The Bakery Boys robbed a stagecoach yesterday.

They came in buns glazing.

The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.

She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.

But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.

Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all...

A black guy and a white guy walk into a bakery...

The black guy goes up to the counter, steals 3 pasties without getting caught, and he puts them in his pocket.


He says to the white guy 'did you see that, he didn't even notice'


'Oh yeah?' the white guy responded 'watch this'


He goes up to the counter, takes three p...

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

A blind man enters a bakery

A blind man enters a bakery and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

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