UPJOKE
breadcakepastrybakehouseshopbakingstorebiscuitsandwichcoffeehouseartisanflourbakerbakeshopdessert

Bakery Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter. He then asks:

"Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle:

"O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have ...

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

There was a French guy in my bakery

He was being mean so I told him to baguette out of my shop

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."...

A man walks into a bakery with a 25lb haddock under his arm.

He asks the baker, "do you make fish cakes?".

The slightly confused baker replies that they don't.

"That's a shame", replies the man. "It's his birthday today".

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks...

Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

I was thinking about starting my own bakery...

...making bundt cakes, crullers, donuts, and bagels.

I'm going to call it Hole Foods.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

I tried to start an online bakery

But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies.

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

My local bakery has gone bust.

Turns out they weren't making enough bread.

My Bakery kickstarter failed.

I just couldn't raise the dough.

A little girl, around 10 years old, walks into a bakery

The baker's wife, taking care of the sales at the till, can't help but notice her deformed face, her palate cleft and her whole distorted body, forcing her to use crutches to move around. The wife, thinking what a poor life she must have had, asks kindly what she could do to help the lil girl :
...

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

Three moles are in a narrow tunnel heading to the royal bakery

The first one says, "I smell sugar."


The second says, "I smell cinnamon."


The third one says, "I smell molasses."

A guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.

He calls it Fool’s Gold Bakery. The slogan is “We do Pyrite.”

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

Yesterday I accidentally crashed through the glass door of a French bakery.

I was….in a world of pain.

My dogs farts smell like a bakery.

It was bread in him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

A man walks into a bakery

and orders 99 loaves of bread. Dumbfounded the baker asks:"Why don't you just buy 100?", to which the man replies: Who could eat that many loaves of bread?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra

The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.

I...

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

My cousin died recently in an accident at the bakery....

He always said he wanted me to be a baker too, he told me I was bread for baking. I never tried it because I wanted to do it for the right reasons, not just because I knead the dough... then I found out that he was killed... a new baker put too much yeast in a large batch of dough and it rose too mu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

The Bakery

There once was a father and son who owned a bakery. Ron Sr and Ron Jr.

They made pastries, bread loaves, and even a few sandwiches. Their most popular item on the menu was rye bread.

One morning, their oven stopped working. They were both panicking.

Shortly after they realized t...

If a redhead works in a bakery...

...does that make him a gingerbread man?

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Did you hear about the bakery that burned down?

That business is toast now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a bakery

At a bakery there was two pastries talking to each other and really hitting it off. Eventually, it started getting really kinky. With one thing leading to another, they ended up doing each other. While this was happening, the female pastry says to the male "make sure you pull out in time". He replie...

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclai...

I was fired from a bakery...

Their packaging says their products are "made with love" and they said I was only making them with "like."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man goes into a bakery, touches the salt croissant and says...

...WHICH IDIOT WROTE THIS BULLSHIT ON IT!?

I went to a haunted bakery yesterday

That place really gave me the crepes

Which direction do you head if you want to find a bakery?

Yeast.

From one side of the bakery to the other, a breadstick yelled out to a pretzel

“Hey Jane, when did you take up yoga?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

Have you heard Usher’s just gone into the bakery business?

He’s releasing a new song to help drive awareness.
It’s titled “Confections”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bakery in Pakistan

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Karachi, Pakistan. As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks bac...

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft

We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.

Where did the first bakery open?

On the yeast coast.

What did Yoda say when the bakery was out of Pies?

Dough. Or Doughnut. There is no Pie.

My friend and I just opened a bakery!

As an opening day special we added a sugary coating to all products at no extra charge.

We came out all buns glazing!

I robbed a bakery today.

It was dangerous, but I took the whisk.

My Buddies bakery burnt down last night....

His business is toast.

There was a French baker whose bakery collapsed on him..

He was in a lot of pain.

Thinking of starting a bakery supply business

The whisks are great but so are the wewards.

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

A bunny walks into the bakery.

There he asks the baker if he has any carrot cake.

The bakers says: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

So the bunny leaves, but returns the next day. He once again if the baker has any carrot cake.

Once more the baker answers: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

Once the bunny...

Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…

STOLLEN STOLEN!!

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?

A pastryarchy.

A guy walks into a bakery

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

Got promoted at the bakery after my overweight boss died

I've got some big chouxs to fill

My friend has a vegetable-themed bakery

What a spud-muffin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've opened a bakery recently

and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it.

I thought it was weird but made it anyway.

Mrs Cox was absolutely furious when I delivered it.

So was her son, Isaac.

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

A man walks into a bakery on March 14th

He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.

He says, man look ...

I'm thinking of opening a racist-themed bakery...

...and I'm planning of naming it the " Cake Cake Cake".

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

If you go to a Scandinavian bakery you could Finnish a Swedish Danish.

Norway I'd make this up!

A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

A man goes to bakery

I need a cake for my wife's lap dog.

Baker: ok, are you gonna have it here or pack it?

In a bakery...

In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”

A blind man enters a bakery

A blind man enters a bakery and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery?

Only one cannoli.

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

Four Moles Are Burrowing Under A Bakery

As they get closer to the surface, the first mole in the line sniffs deeply and says, "Mmmmm, I smell cookies!"

They dig a big further, and the second mole raises his noise and says, "Wow, I smell cake!"

The dig goes on another few minutes, and the third mole finally smells something a...

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

Why did the deer lose her job at the bakery?

She was caught sampling the owner’s doe nuts

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

Is the bakery hiring?

Cause I think I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by.

The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.

She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.

But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.

Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all...

A man walks in a bakery

in which the baker has only one hand. The customer see the baker rolls out the pizza dough on his chest because he has only one hand. So the surprised customer asks:" Damn, is this the way you make the pizza?", the bakery answers:"Oh man, you didn't see how i make donuts!"

Mahatma Gandhi was once thrown out of an Indian bakery. Not surprising really . . .

He was widely known for being naan-violent.

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

A bakery can only calculate the size of circular cakes...

if their pie are squared.

What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery?

We tart it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.