A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

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A white man and a black man walk into a bakery

The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the black, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The black man says to the white man, "That's typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

My girlfriend asked me why I work at the bakery if I don't enjoy it.

I told her it's because I knead the dough.

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

My friend's bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

What does a German say when he enters a bakery?

Gluten-tag !

The Bakery Boys robbed a stagecoach yesterday.

They came in buns glazing.

A billionaire, a schmuck and an immigrant walk into a bakery...

The billionaire takes 9 out of the 10 cakes in the store, points to the immigrant and tells the schmuck: "Watch out, he's gonna take that 1 cake".

After a misunderstanding, a suburban Vietnamese bakery tried to Ban Mi

I said let's just let Saigons be Saigons.

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."...

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

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A bakery has opened in the woods

The bakery became very popular and every morning there was big crowd before the bakery.
One morning the rabit come late and started pushing trough the crowd. He almost made it to the bakery when the bear noticed hime and threw him on the back of the line.
The rabit kept pushing trough the cr...

When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

A blind man walks into the bakery

A blind man walks into the bakery and asks for 8 poppy seed breads. While the baker gathers them for him, he asks: are you expecting any visitors? No, replies the blind man. But I’m going on vacation, and they have such lovely story’s written on them!

A new bakery is just opened when suddenly a man runs in,

screaming from the top of his lungs:

"I f\*cked your mom!"

The man runs out as fast as he came in leaving a visibly annoyed baker. The rest of the day works out fine but come the next day, right about the same time as the day before, the same man runs in. Again, from the top of his lun...

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

I just got fired from my job at the bakery

Which is upsetting because I really kneaded the dough

The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.

She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.

But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.

Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all...

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

I tried to rob a bakery but failed

They caught me bread handed

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

A blind man enters a bakery

A blind man enters a bakery and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

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Who's the best Goalkeeper in the world?

Sunday, 8 am. Me and my mate walking through the streets of my town, completely hammered, seeking the first open Bakery we can find when we cross path with this very old man. He's tiny and look funny, three hairs left on his head, some missing teeth and a good ol' red nose. He stops us and ask:
<...

I wanted to buy some bread from a south-Asian bakery

But i didnt get any because they said they had Naan...



I will leave now

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

A man walks in a bakery

in which the baker has only one hand. The customer see the baker rolls out the pizza dough on his chest because he has only one hand. So the surprised customer asks:" Damn, is this the way you make the pizza?", the bakery answers:"Oh man, you didn't see how i make donuts!"

If a red head works in a bakery

Does that make him a ginger bread man?

Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.

I just wanted cookies.

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

What do you call a goat that works at a bakery?

A battering ram

A Scotsman walks into a bakery and asks ‘is that a donut or a meringue?’

The baker says ‘nah you’re right, it’s a donut’

A man runs a well-known bakery. One day, a kid enters his bakery.

"Hello, sir. Do you have spinach pies?"

"I'm sorry, buddy... I don't have them right now..." - said the man.

The kid leaves. On the next day, 2 kids enter the bakery.

"Hello, sir." - say the kids at unison - "Do you have spinach pies?"

"Sorry, kids, I'm afraid I don't hav...

My friends and I got a jobs at the local bakery recently

Half of us have been fired already. Apparently the place has a high turnover rate.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton visit a bakery together

While in the bakery Clinton sneaks 3 pastries in her pocket and whispers to trump "See how clever I am the owner didn't see anything and I didn't need to lie."
Trump says to Clinton "That's so typical of you trickery, deceit and theft. I'm going to show you how to get the same result honestly." ...

A woman walks into a Scottish man’s bakery.

She asks how much for bread buns.

“It’s £2 for six” replies the baker

The woman says: “It’s a lovely offer, but i think I’ll just buy some bread buns please.”

The little bunny.

A little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?" "No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies." "No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.

The next day the little ...

A black guy and a white guy walk into a bakery...

The black guy goes up to the counter, steals 3 pasties without getting caught, and he puts them in his pocket.


He says to the white guy 'did you see that, he didn't even notice'


'Oh yeah?' the white guy responded 'watch this'


He goes up to the counter, takes three p...

(OC?) A man walks into a French bakery

He goes up to the counter and is offered some chocolate to which he declines, whilst noticing that there's not much for sale. The baker then hits him over the head with a rolling pin. "Ow what did you do that for?!" They only had pain au chocolats

A man goes to bakery

I need a cake for my wife's lap dog.

Baker: ok, are you gonna have it here or pack it?

I don't really like my job at the bakery.

But it puts bread on the table.

What do you say in a haunted French bakery?

This place gives me the crepes.

A dad walks into a bakery...

...and he asks, "Hey do you have any big pieces of shortbread?"

The baker responds, "No, we don't make them any longer."

What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

Hole foods

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

What did the officer say when he cornered the thief in a bakery?

Focaccia!

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

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A lady with a speech impediment walks into a bakery.

She walks upto the counter and asks if she can have a “Bum”. The baker unsure what she just said asks if she meant a “bun”. The lady smiled and said yes and off she went.

After she went to the hardware store and walks upto the counter and asks for a “Fucket”. The salesperson, confused asked i...

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

I started a part-time job at the bakery

Just to make a little extra dough.

A guy walks into a bakery

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

I tried to start an online bakery.

But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

A guy starts his first day at a bakery...

The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.

"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a fi...

Mr. Mole told Mrs. Mole he would have to work late at the bakery.

He comes home and she is furious. She says don't lie to me …
you were at the Bottoms Up bar getting lap dances from the female mole dancers! He said "why would you say that?" She exclaimed "Because your clothes smell like molasses.

I was turned away when I tried to order a pie from Yoda's bakery.

"Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie."

There have been a lot of bakery robbers lately...

But this one takes the cake.

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So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have ...

Broke and starving, Bill & Ted walks up to a bakery.

Bill: "Look..I stole 3 pieces of bread, placed them in my pocket and the baker didn't even notice. It's like magic!

Ted: "You want to see real magic? Watch this."

Ted approaches the baker: "Excuse me, sir. Would you like to see a magic trick? Let me eat 3 pieces of your bread then watc...

In a bakery...

In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”

I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

I'm not really in the mood to laugh, today my friends bakery burned down...

Now his business is toast :(

What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?

A pastryarchy.

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

A man walks into a bakery...

So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man.

"Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker.

"No, of course we don't!" the baker replies.

"But it's his birthday!"

There were two guys walking by a bakery

Jim said, " Hey, watch this. I'm gonna steal a couple donuts."

He comes back a minute later. "He didn't even notice," Jim said to Steve.

"Ugh, all you think about is theft. Here, watch this. I'll get two donuts as well." Steve responded.

He goes up to the owner of the bakery....

I just started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a naan prophet organization.

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

An American and Canadian walk into a bakery

The American ordered some Baked Alaska. The Canadian, however, was having Nunavut.

One day, a man decides to make a town.

He walked far and wide, across treacherous land and dangerous grounds, until he found a flat dessert, with rocks pock marking the ground. He decides to settle his town here, and built his first house with some trouble, due to the rocks. He chose to cover the ground with a layer of concrete so it wou...

What do you call a racist, southern bakery?

Cake Cake Cake

A guy was in a bakery and accidentally pushed open the door to the back room.

To his surprise, he saw one of the bakers lying down naked on a counter, kneading bread dough on his chest. The guy turned and said to another baker, "That's the oddest thing I have ever seen." The baker replied, "You should see him make the doughnuts!"

Did you hear about the fire at the bakery?

No one was hurt but business is toast.

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

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I've opened a bakery recently

and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it.

I thought it was weird but made it anyway.

Mrs Cox was absolutely furious when I delivered it.

So was her son, Isaac.

A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.

When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."

What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery?

Only one cannoli.

A man goes to a bakery shop . .

Man to the shop assistant: 'I will have that one, please'

Shop Assistant: 'Cupcake?'

Man rolls his eyes**
'Ok Cupcake, I will have that one please'

A man starts a bakery

[Sorry if this joke sucks]

A man quits his tech career to pursue a life of pastry creation. After careful consideration, he picks the location, sources his ingredients, and crafts the recipes.

Everything seems in order, except for one strange fact: all his employees are hookers.
...

I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France.

It was a painful experience.

I was working in a bakery and fell onto a bun

I guess you could say I'm on a roll

A woman stole from our bakery today

We've had some bad stuff happen, but this really takes the cake.

Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclai...

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Did you hear about the prostitutes that started a bakery?

Everything is ho-made.

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

What type of bakery has the fastest service?

A Russian bakery.

I thought it was weird when my boss at the bakery asked me to pack fudge

Cause we don't sell fudge.

Can I write the money I spent at the Indian bakery off my taxes?

They are a naan profit organization ...

A man walks into a bakery right before closing time

And asks, "do you have any pita?"

The baker responds, "no, there's naan left."

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