An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

What do you call a Bakery run by a person with Parkinsons

A Shake’n’Bake

A Glaswegian walked in to a bakery

He points to a cake and asks the baker, "is that a cake or meringue?" The baker replies "no, you're right, it is a cake"

My friend’s bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

Why do you want to work at this bakery?

I knead the dough

A little girl, around 10 years old, walks into a bakery

The baker's wife, taking care of the sales at the till, can't help but notice her deformed face, her palate cleft and her whole distorted body, forcing her to use crutches to move around. The wife, thinking what a poor life she must have had, asks kindly what she could do to help the lil girl :
...

Why did the Frenchman hate going to the bakery?

Because it was the source of all his pain.

Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988?

Everything was stollen

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A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Lahore, Pakistan.

As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks back to the kitchen. "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
...

An Indian bakery was handing out bread to help relieve people affected by corona

I’m pretty sure they were naan profit

What have I named the Pie section of my bakery menu?

Treasure Hunter cus its full of Pie-Rates

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

What do you call a secret agent working in a Bakery?

John Dough!

A bunny walks into the bakery.

There he asks the baker if he has any carrot cake.

The bakers says: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

So the bunny leaves, but returns the next day. He once again if the baker has any carrot cake.

Once more the baker answers: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

Once the bunny...

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

A man storms into a bakery and says "I want to make a complaint! This muffin is mouldy and tastes like cheese!"

The baker rolls his eyes and says "well, you did ask for a blue brie muffin."

A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

Why did Homer get a job at a bakery?

He kneaded the doh

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

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My father owns a bakery and a dairy farm.

It's his bread and butter.

There have been many robberies in my bakery.

But the last one takes the cake.

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A white man and a black man walk into a bakery

The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the black, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The black man says to the white man, "That's typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

I went to the bakery and asked for Emo Cake...

Baker: Emo cake? Whats that?

Me: It's cake that cuts itself...

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

Four Moles Are Burrowing Under A Bakery

As they get closer to the surface, the first mole in the line sniffs deeply and says, "Mmmmm, I smell cookies!"

They dig a big further, and the second mole raises his noise and says, "Wow, I smell cake!"

The dig goes on another few minutes, and the third mole finally smells something a...

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

A man walks into a french bakery

A man walks into a french bakery and says, "Can I have a crossiant please?"

Cashier: (obviously confused) crossaint van de lir oui jemepelle?

Man: Sorry, I don't speak french. Je suis crossaint jemepelle.

The cashier is still confused, and questions the man again.

The man...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

A billionaire, a schmuck and an immigrant walk into a bakery...

The billionaire takes 9 out of the 10 cakes in the store, points to the immigrant and tells the schmuck: "Watch out, he's gonna take that 1 cake".

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

The Bakery Boys robbed a stagecoach yesterday.

They came in buns glazing.

My local college has a scheme that lets student earn their tuition by working in the on campus bakery.

The opportunity isn't open to everyone. It's run on a strictly knead to know basis.

After a misunderstanding, a suburban Vietnamese bakery tried to Ban Mi

I said let's just let Saigons be Saigons.

I just got fired from my job at the bakery

Which is upsetting because I really kneaded the dough

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

A man walks into a bakery

"I'd like a wasp, please."

"We don't sell wasps", answers the baker.

"Well, there's one in the window."

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.

She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.

But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.

Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all...

When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

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A bakery has opened in the woods

The bakery became very popular and every morning there was big crowd before the bakery.
One morning the rabit come late and started pushing trough the crowd. He almost made it to the bakery when the bear noticed hime and threw him on the back of the line.
The rabit kept pushing trough the cr...

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

A new bakery is just opened when suddenly a man runs in,

screaming from the top of his lungs:

"I f\*cked your mom!"

The man runs out as fast as he came in leaving a visibly annoyed baker. The rest of the day works out fine but come the next day, right about the same time as the day before, the same man runs in. Again, from the top of his lun...

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

I tried to rob a bakery but failed

They caught me bread handed

A man walks in a bakery

in which the baker has only one hand. The customer see the baker rolls out the pizza dough on his chest because he has only one hand. So the surprised customer asks:" Damn, is this the way you make the pizza?", the bakery answers:"Oh man, you didn't see how i make donuts!"

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

I wanted to buy some bread from a south-Asian bakery

But i didnt get any because they said they had Naan...



I will leave now

A blind man walks into the bakery

A blind man walks into the bakery and asks for 8 poppy seed breads. While the baker gathers them for him, he asks: are you expecting any visitors? No, replies the blind man. But I’m going on vacation, and they have such lovely story’s written on them!

If a red head works in a bakery

Does that make him a ginger bread man?

What do you call a goat that works at a bakery?

A battering ram

My friends and I got a jobs at the local bakery recently

Half of us have been fired already. Apparently the place has a high turnover rate.

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

A blind man enters a bakery

A blind man enters a bakery and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

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So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have ...

A black guy and a white guy walk into a bakery...

The black guy goes up to the counter, steals 3 pasties without getting caught, and he puts them in his pocket.


He says to the white guy 'did you see that, he didn't even notice'


'Oh yeah?' the white guy responded 'watch this'


He goes up to the counter, takes three p...

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.

I just wanted cookies.

A man goes to bakery

I need a cake for my wife's lap dog.

Baker: ok, are you gonna have it here or pack it?

What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

Hole foods

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

I don't really like my job at the bakery.

But it puts bread on the table.

A woman walks into a Scottish man’s bakery.

She asks how much for bread buns.

“It’s £2 for six” replies the baker

The woman says: “It’s a lovely offer, but i think I’ll just buy some bread buns please.”

What do you say in a haunted French bakery?

This place gives me the crepes.

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Old Guys

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 y...

“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

A dad walks into a bakery...

...and he asks, "Hey do you have any big pieces of shortbread?"

The baker responds, "No, we don't make them any longer."

I tried to start an online bakery.

But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

(OC?) A man walks into a French bakery

He goes up to the counter and is offered some chocolate to which he declines, whilst noticing that there's not much for sale. The baker then hits him over the head with a rolling pin. "Ow what did you do that for?!" They only had pain au chocolats

A guy walks into a bakery

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

What did the officer say when he cornered the thief in a bakery?

Focaccia!

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A lady with a speech impediment walks into a bakery.

She walks upto the counter and asks if she can have a “Bum”. The baker unsure what she just said asks if she meant a “bun”. The lady smiled and said yes and off she went.

After she went to the hardware store and walks upto the counter and asks for a “Fucket”. The salesperson, confused asked i...

A guy starts his first day at a bakery...

The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.

"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a fi...

What do you say when you walk into a German bakery?

Gluten Morgen!

I was turned away when I tried to order a pie from Yoda's bakery.

"Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie."

I started a part-time job at the bakery

Just to make a little extra dough.

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

I just started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a naan prophet organization.

A man walks into a bakery...

So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man.

"Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker.

"No, of course we don't!" the baker replies.

"But it's his birthday!"

What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?

A pastryarchy.

I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

In a bakery...

In a bakery:

Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

Mr. Mole told Mrs. Mole he would have to work late at the bakery.

He comes home and she is furious. She says don't lie to me …
you were at the Bottoms Up bar getting lap dances from the female mole dancers! He said "why would you say that?" She exclaimed "Because your clothes smell like molasses.

There were two guys walking by a bakery

Jim said, " Hey, watch this. I'm gonna steal a couple donuts."

He comes back a minute later. "He didn't even notice," Jim said to Steve.

"Ugh, all you think about is theft. Here, watch this. I'll get two donuts as well." Steve responded.

He goes up to the owner of the bakery....

New job

I just got hired at a bakery. I'm going to be a loafer.

Did you hear about the fire at the bakery?

No one was hurt but business is toast.

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Two 80 year old guys were discussing their sex lives

Hey, Morris what’s really helping with the ladies is that Russian Rye bread I’ve been eating

Morris is curious and goes to the bakery

He says give me 3 loaves of your Russian Rye please!

The lady says be careful, it’s gonna be hard in 3 days

Morris says what the F

...

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I've opened a bakery recently

and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it.

I thought it was weird but made it anyway.

Mrs Cox was absolutely furious when I delivered it.

So was her son, Isaac.

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclai...

An American and Canadian walk into a bakery

The American ordered some Baked Alaska. The Canadian, however, was having Nunavut.

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