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Bakery Jokes

Yesterday I accidentally crashed through the glass door of a French bakery.

I was….in a world of pain.

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks...

Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.

...The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, "Pretty slick aye, bro? The owner didn't even see me."

Unimpressed, the Maori replies, "Typical dishonest Aussie, bro. I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result."

T...

I tried to start an online bakery

But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies.

The German bakery near me had to shut down when the owner was arrested for theft

We should have known, the cakes were all Stollen.

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

A man walks into a bakery with a 25lb haddock under his arm.

He asks the baker, "do you make fish cakes?".

The slightly confused baker replies that they don't.

"That's a shame", replies the man. "It's his birthday today".

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter. He then asks:

"Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle:

"O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man goes into a bakery, touches the salt croissant and says...

...WHICH IDIOT WROTE THIS BULLSHIT ON IT!?

My cousin died recently in an accident at the bakery....

He always said he wanted me to be a baker too, he told me I was bread for baking. I never tried it because I wanted to do it for the right reasons, not just because I knead the dough... then I found out that he was killed... a new baker put too much yeast in a large batch of dough and it rose too mu...

Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…

STOLLEN STOLEN!!

A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a Doughnut or a Meringue?"

To which the baker replies "no, you're not wrong, it's a Doughnut."

Bill Clinton gets kicked out of every bakery in Paris.

He constantly feels their pain.

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

A man walks into a bakery

and orders 99 loaves of bread. Dumbfounded the baker asks:"Why don't you just buy 100?", to which the man replies: Who could eat that many loaves of bread?

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

Which direction do you head if you want to find a bakery?

Yeast.

Three moles are in a narrow tunnel heading to the royal bakery

The first one says, "I smell sugar."


The second says, "I smell cinnamon."


The third one says, "I smell molasses."

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Have you heard Usher’s just gone into the bakery business?

He’s releasing a new song to help drive awareness.
It’s titled “Confections”

Did you hear about the bakery that burned down?

That business is toast now.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I went to a haunted bakery yesterday

That place really gave me the crepes

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

What did Yoda say when the bakery was out of Pies?

Dough. Or Doughnut. There is no Pie.

A guy walks into an optician

A guy walks into an optician and says: I think I need a new pair of glasses.

“I think so too sir. You’re in a bakery.”

I was fired from a bakery...

Their packaging says their products are "made with love" and they said I was only making them with "like."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a bakery

At a bakery there was two pastries talking to each other and really hitting it off. Eventually, it started getting really kinky. With one thing leading to another, they ended up doing each other. While this was happening, the female pastry says to the male "make sure you pull out in time". He replie...

There was a French baker whose bakery collapsed on him..

He was in a lot of pain.

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

Somebody robbed the bakery the other day

Well, that just takes the cake!

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

My friend and I just opened a bakery!

As an opening day special we added a sugary coating to all products at no extra charge.

We came out all buns glazing!

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

Mahatma Gandhi was once thrown out of an Indian bakery. Not surprising really . . .

He was widely known for being naan-violent.

Where did the first bakery open?

On the yeast coast.

What's the difference...?

What's the difference between a modern sports illustrated swimsuit issue and a bakery?



>!My mouth actually waters at the rolls in the bakery!<

Got promoted at the bakery after my overweight boss died

I've got some big chouxs to fill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The truth about Rye Bread

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your ene...

I robbed a bakery today.

It was dangerous, but I took the whisk.

If you go to a Scandinavian bakery you could Finnish a Swedish Danish.

Norway I'd make this up!

A girl I’m dating works long hours at a bakery. I don’t think it’s going to work out.

She’s too kneady.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have ...

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

Why are rich people bad at running a bakery?

Because they don’t knead the dough

There was a French guy in my bakery

He was being mean so I told him to baguette out of my shop

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

A man walks into a bakery on March 14th

He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.

He says, man look ...

I'm thinking of opening a racist-themed bakery...

...and I'm planning of naming it the " Cake Cake Cake".

Did you hear about the guy that worked for Hostess bakery and tried unsuccessfully to get a job at Tropicana?

Everyone knows that bakers can't be juicers.

A bunny walks into the bakery.

There he asks the baker if he has any carrot cake.

The bakers says: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

So the bunny leaves, but returns the next day. He once again if the baker has any carrot cake.

Once more the baker answers: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

Once the bunny...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bakery in Pakistan

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Karachi, Pakistan. As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks bac...

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

How did the Scottish bakery employee go undefeated in the 100-yard dash?

Because run, run, as fast as they can. They can't catch him. He's the ginger bread man.

Thinking of starting a bakery supply business

The whisks are great but so are the wewards.

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

What do people in this sub and a bakery have in common?

They both rely on cake to be successful

I was going to open a bakery

But I couldn't raise the dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, Brit and Finn sit at the pub

The American says: “our Air Force is so mighty that if we launch all of our airplanes into the sky, you won’t even see the sun!”

Everyone around looks impressed, agrees that the US Air Force is indeed mighty.

The Brit says: “our navy is so mighty that if we’d line up all of our vessels...

I went to the bakery and asked for Emo Cake...

Baker: Emo cake? Whats that?

Me: It's cake that cuts itself...

My friend has a vegetable-themed bakery

What a spud-muffin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference b/w a prostitute and a bakery shop?

The bakery shop is not open 24/7

Little Timmy asked the Jewish bakery owner “What’s the challah cost?”

He wasn’t prepared for the anger-fuelled history lesson.

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.

Why did the deer lose her job at the bakery?

She was caught sampling the owner’s doe nuts

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery?

We tart it.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

A billionaire, a schmuck and an immigrant walk into a bakery...

The billionaire takes 9 out of the 10 cakes in the store, points to the immigrant and tells the schmuck: "Watch out, he's gonna take that 1 cake".

A bakery can only calculate the size of circular cakes...

if their pie are squared.

Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988?

Everything was stollen

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

A black guy and a white guy walk into a bakery...

The black guy goes up to the counter, steals 3 pasties without getting caught, and he puts them in his pocket.


He says to the white guy 'did you see that, he didn't even notice'


'Oh yeah?' the white guy responded 'watch this'


He goes up to the counter, takes three p...

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclai...

Four Moles Are Burrowing Under A Bakery

As they get closer to the surface, the first mole in the line sniffs deeply and says, "Mmmmm, I smell cookies!"

They dig a big further, and the second mole raises his noise and says, "Wow, I smell cake!"

The dig goes on another few minutes, and the third mole finally smells something a...

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

A guy walks into a bakery

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?

A pastryarchy.

Did you hear about the delivery driver for the local bakery that had 6 extra eyes located all around his head?

He's seen some weird things man but this guy takes the cake.

What do you call a Bakery run by a person with Parkinsons

A Shake’n’Bake

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