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Ham Sandwich Jokes

A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

The sandwich tells the bartender, "Hey, I'll take a beer."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

Analogies are like ham sandwiches.

I am currently making one.

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

A roadside cafe sells ham sandwiches and handjobs

The sign reads “Ham Sandwiches: $3, Handjobs: $10”.

An elderly woman is standing behind the counter. A customer walks up and says, “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”

“Yes I am!” she replies.

“Well, wash your goddamn hands, I want a ham sandwich!”

Two Slices in a Ham Sandwich Marry Each Other.

I bet their children will be inbread.

What's the difference between a turkey sandwich and a ham sandwich?

A turkey sandwich doesn't recognize the Armenian genocide

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

3 men on construction site

3 men are on a construction site of a highrise during lunch

1st guy opens up his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He says "ham ham ham that's all I get. If I get another ham sandwich I'm jumping off this building and killing myself."

2nd guy opens up his lunch box and sees a turkey ...

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There are three construction workers sitting on the 20th floor of a building...

As their legs hang off the side of the building, they open up their packed lunches. The first worker looks at his sandwich and says;

"Damn it! A ham sandwich again? If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm jumping off this building!"

The second worker opens his lunch and responds;

"Y...

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

Three builders are up on the scaffold one day [long]

They are discussing their lunches. The first builder says ''You know lads, I've been getting the same bloody ham sandwich, every day, for the last 10 years. If my wife makes me ONE MORE ham sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump right off this scaffold and end it all.''

The second builder says ''ha, t...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this b...

A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is. Any time...

Guy goes into a deli

He looks over the menu:

Ham sandwich: $5
Roast beef sandwich: $7.50
Handjob: $250

He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, "who gives the handjob?"

"I do!" She says with a smile!

"Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich"

Priest and Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."

Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The ...

Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

The Foreigner

(Not my joke but I wanted your opinion on it.)

A foreigner new to America landed a job at a factory. His brother who had been here for a while taught him how to say apple pie and coffee so he could get lunch. After a couple of weeks, he wanted something different so his brother taught him to ...

A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi meet at a delicatessen for lunch.

The Rabbi orders the pastrami, the priest orders the ham.

"I'm just curious," the priest says to the Rabbi. "Why can't you eat ham?"

"Never really thought about it," the Rabbi replies. "As a Jew, it's just one of the ways we are expected to show our devotion and obedience to God."
<...

Guy walks into a bar..

There is a sign in the doorway that says “CHEESE SANDWICH - $2, HAM SANDWICH - $5, HAND JOB - $10.” He looks behind the bar to see an attractive young woman. He walks to the bar and asks her, “Excuse me, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yesss,”she replies, smiling. He says, “Well wash your...

A Mexican, an Italian and a blonde American construction worker.

A Mexican, an Italian and a blonde American construction worker are all sitting to have lunch on the 20th floor of a building they are working on. The Mexican opens his lunch and sees he has tacos. He looks at the other and says "tacos again, I am so sick of tacos, if I have tacos in my lunch again ...

A politician was arrested at his office and found guilty of cannibalism

One of his colleagues had called the police on him after spotting him eating a ham sandwich

A blond, a redhead, and a brunette are at school one day eating lunch

The blond says to her friends, "If I have another turkey sandwich for lunch, I'm going to kill myself!" The redhead, knowing how she feels says, "if I get a ham sandwich for lunch one more time, then I'm going to kill myself!" The brunette chimes in and says, "you know, if I get another stupid tuna ...

So an Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blond are sitting down for lunch at their construction site....

The Irishman opens his pail and says, "CORNED BEEF! My wife always makes me corned beef....If she makes it tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off the platform and kill myself." The mexican open his lunch pail saying, "Tacos... my wife always makes tacos. If she makes it again I'll kill myself too." The blond ...

Paddy and mick

Paddy and mick were having lunch together.
Paddy opens his lunch box
"Feck me Mick, that's chicken sandwiches every day for the third week running. If I get chicken again tomorrow I'm gonna go jump off the roof and kill myself"

Mick opens his lunchbox and has a ham sandwich,
"Fecki...

A man walks into a library...

and says, "I'd like a ham sandwich, please!"

"Sir," says the librarian, "this is a library."

"Ooh, sorry!" says the man, then, leaning in close, whispers, "I'd like a ham sandwich, please."

Three builders are atop a large building at lunchtime... (Long)

The first builder opens his lunch box and says, "Cheese? Bloody cheese sandwiches again! If I have cheese sandwiches tomorrow I will throw myself off this building."

The second builder opens his lunch box and shouts, "Not ham sandwiches again! If I have ham sandwiches tomorrow I will throw my...

A priest and a Rabi

A priest and a Rabbi walk in restaurant and the priest orders a ham sandwich while the Rabbi orders a salad. After a while the priest says "Have you ever actually had a ham sandwich before?" The Rabbi replies " Ya, once in college. It was okay". After sitting for a while the Rabbi says "Have you eve...

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

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Sandwiches

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sandwich board outside of a bar. In big chalk letters, the sign reads:

"Ham sandwiches, $5. Handjobs, $20."

The man excitedly rushes inside and takes a seat at the bar, where he's greeted by an attractive blonde bartender.

She asks...

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A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman

All work on a high rise building site together.

One lunchtime while sat high up on the building the Englishman opens his sandwich and exclaims "Ham, fucking ham again. If I get ham in my sandwiches again tomorrow I'm gonna jump!"

The Scotsman opens his sandwich; "Haggis, fucking haggi...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all work on a building site...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all work on a building site. The lunch bell goes and they all go and sit upon the scoffolding and have their lunch.

The Englishman opens his lunchbox and says, "Ergh, a ham sandwich! If I get this again I'm going to kill myself."

The Irishman ...

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English/Scottish/Irish construction site

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man was working on top of a 400ft building.

Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them.

English man opens his and it's Ham

English man :- "I'm sick to death of fucking ham san...

A Blonde, a Brunnete, and a Redhead work at a construction company.

They have all worked with each other for years, and would always eat together for their lunch break.

They would always have the same sandwiches packed for their lunch. They were sick and tired of eating the same thing every day.

The Brunette said, "If I have another turkey sandwich p...

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Three construction workers are eating lunch on a beam of a 50 story building...

First guy looks in his lunch box. "Tuna again. If I have to eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself."

Second guy looks in his lunch box. "Egg salad again. If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself, too."

Third guy looks in his lunch box. "Goddamn bologna....

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An man walks into a restaurant....

He looks at the menu and it says:

Cheese rolls - £2
Ham sandwiches - £3
Wanks - £10

He looks across the bar and there's a beautiful waitress with huge tits and he says "do you give the wanks?"

She turns to him with a sly smile she says "yeah I do" and winks

So he ...

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