I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in wrapping paper?

So he could live in the present.

Man goes to the doctor wrapped in Syran Wrap, and asks what's wrong with him?

The doctor says "You're obviously crazy"

"How can you tell?"

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

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A man walks into his therapists office naked, save for being completely wrapped up in cling film.

The therapist looked up at him, and said:

"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing a saran wrap suit.

The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts"

What sort of music does bubble wrap not like?

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!< >!P...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".



Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.



Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body?

It was a jersey

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

"Has anyone here seen my shrink-wrap?" asked someone in the warehouse.

"I never knew your psychiatrist likes hip hop music," I replied.

Here I made some bubble wrap

>!Iron!< >!Man !< >!dies!< >!in!< >!Infinity!< >!War!<

>!Jesus!< >!dies!< >!in!< >!the!< >!Bible!<

>!2021!< >!will!< >!be!< >!even!< >!worse!<

>!What did you expect they were marke...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

A GUY GOES TO SEE HIS PSYCHIATRIST DRESSED ONLY IN BUBBLE WRAP. WHEN HE GETS THERE HE ASKED THE PSYCH, CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME?

THE PSYCH SAYS NO, I’M SORRY, I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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I asked the boss what to do with the roll of bubble wrap we had delivered. "Just pop it in the corner," he said.

4 fucking hours that took me!

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

I wrote a song about a tortilla...

Well actually it was more of a wrap

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Amish Driving

An Amish lady is pulled over .

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return hom...

How do you wrap plastic around a baby sheep?

Lambinate

A married couple is getting ready in the morning.

The wife jumps out of the shower and he jumps in. The doorbell rings. “I’ll answer it, “ she says. She wraps a towel around herself and answers the door. It’s their neighbor John. He looks her up and down and says “I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you drop that towel.” She thinks about it and dro...

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Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

Bob was in trouble...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looke...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backayrd. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat...

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:


"What are those?"


"Those are potatoes"


"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"


The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.


"What are those?"


"Tho...

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

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My favourite Old Dirty / Clean Joke

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrappi...

Man: I think my wife wants me to leave her.

Friend: Why you say that?

Man: Everyday she wraps my lunch in a roadmap.

If you die in a dream

A scout master is wrapping up scary stories around the campfire.

One kid asks “Is it true if you die in a dream, you die in real life?”

“Oh no, not at all.” replies the scout master.

All the children sigh in relief.

“On the other hand, if you pee in a dream...”

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

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A redneck girl asks her dad for twenty bucks to go to the movies.

"Alright," he father says, "But you gotta suck my dick."

She refuses, but later decides she really wants to see the new Brad Pitt movie. So she goes back and tells her dad to whip it out.

As soon as she wraps her mouth around it, she pulls away and nearly pukes.

"That tastes l...

What is a mummy's favourite genre of music?

Wrap music.

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

I had a brilliant plan to cover my neighbor's farm in plastic to destroy his business, but when I returned from the store with the cellophane, he had already enveloped my farm entirely with Reynolds wrap.

It seems my plot was foiled.

So you want me to buy the presents, put them together, wrap them up and tell the kids it was you who got the presents for them?

**SANTA:** I mean, when you say it like that it sounds bad.

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The worst part about getting caught jerking off at work is having to explain the belt wrapped around your neck to the new intern.

Was too high on nitrous and forgot to lock my office door...

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

A pimp is driving around, checking up on his girls on the street...

... when he sees a man dropping one of his girls off on a corner.
This isn't out of the ordinary, and he doesn't think too much of it, but the next day he sees the same man driving the same car dropping off two girls at once.
Again, not too strange, but he takes notice.


The next nig...

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

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An old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walking down the street with several rolls of duck tape. The old man says "BOY! WHATCHU DOING WITH ALL THAT DUCK TAPE"

The boy says "well old man I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man says: "Boy you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duck tape!"
The boy keeps walking and says "yeah we will see old man"
Later the boy walks by again with a bundle of ducks wrapped up in the tape and the old man says "B...

Why is it that kids love bubble wrap, while adults just find it annoying?

Nobody really knows, it's just one of the hallmarks of pop culture.

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.

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A guy and a girl walking home on a first date.

On the way home the girl says, I am cold, so the guy wraps his jacket around the girl, she says "I just love a man who gives me his coat when I am cold."

He replies "Well no man want's a blow job whilst your teeth are chattering."

How much is bubble wrap at the store?

€1 a pop

I’ll see myself out ;)

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

A woman's dog falls into a river

She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."

I hate wrapping presents

They sound horrible

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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What's something you can say both during sex and in class?

"We better wrap this up or you'll miss your next period"

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I had a plan to wrap up my leftovers from the restaurant in a sturdy to-go box...

...then the waitress came by and foiled the whole thing.

What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

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Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

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A priest lived in a church with three nuns.

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.

He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an ex...

An arab teenager told his parents he wanted C4 for his birthday.

When the day came his parents gave him a neatly wrapped box...






The boy opened it hastily and was overjoyed to find inside the keys to a brand new Citroën. What did you expect?

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer

It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed ...

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

A girl goes over to her Italian grandfather’s house

to find him covered in salt and wrapping himself in pigs intestine. Shocked, the girl says “Grampa! What are you doing?!?”

The grandfather responds: “I founda I have-a the cancer, so I worka ona cure!”

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sex joke #2

a cucumber, a pickle and a penis, are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. the cucumber says, "my life fucking sucks.. im put into salads and to top em off, they drizzle dressing all over me.."
"my life sucks.." says the pickle. "that's nothing compared to my life, im put in vinegar an...

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Old man’s sitting on a porch when he sees a young man walk by, dragging something behind him

Old man says, “What you got there?” and the young man replies, “Chickenwire.” Old man asks , “What’re you doing with chickenwire?” Young man replies “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says “You ain’t catching no chickens with chickenwire.

Sure enough, later that eve...

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.

She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.

Bob hands here the 800 dol...

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor

“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”

“And...

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A man walks into an eco-friendly sandwich shop.

He takes a few steps in and realizes that the place smells like shit. The man asks a lady sitting down what the smell is all about.

"This place uses cow manure to power the place. It smells bad, but it does help the ecosystem."

The man is confused, but since the place has good food r...

Very thin tie

A guy was stopped at the door of the club by the doorman.
Sorry no tie, you can’t come in, says the doorman.
The guy ran back to his car, got a set of jump leads, wrapped them round his neck and retuned to the club.
I’ve got a tie on now, so can I go in? He asks the doorman.
Ok, he says,...

One day, a blonde was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and wanted to prove herself

So she began going door to door to see if there was any type of work that she could do.

She arrived at this wealthy family home where she knocked on the door and a man answered. “Hi. I’m tired of being called blonde and being told that I’m dumb. Is there any job that I can do to prove my wor...

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Walk in the park...

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."


"You gotta be kiddin' me."


"No, would y...

"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife.

"I probably could,” she laughed.

"Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied.

A man was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask

Man - Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?

Doctor- If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best.

Man- What would be the worst things to use?

Doctor- Obviously anything that would smother you for example, ...

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

First day as a superhero

Villian: why is my calendar wrapped in aluminum?


Me: I foiled your plans

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you u...

I found a note in with my drive-thru order saying there were two armed men in the kitchen.

Thank god for that, it would be pretty difficult to make a chicken wrap with only one arm!

Why do tortillas get such a bad wrap?

Because they are so corny.

A rabbi, priest, and a shaolin monk walk into a bar.

When they sit down, they begin to debate over which of their religions is the correct one to follow.

After much debate and many drinks, the monk has an idea.

"What if we all tried to convert a very wild, very powerful creature, like a bear, to our own religion? Whoever succeeds must tr...

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

King of the jungle

One beautiful morning Leo the Lion wakes up in his den, gives a big morning roar, stretches and starts off for the watering hole.

On his way he comes across a monkey sitting on a rock. Leo grabs the monkey, gives him a slap and asks "who's the king of the jungle"?
The monkey says "You are ...

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Ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Look at your drivers license.

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