A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

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A man walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing except Saran Wrap

The therapist says, "clearly I can see your nuts"

My friend used my to-do-list as a wrap for his blunt

He was high on my list of priorities

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

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I had a plan to wrap up my leftovers from the restaurant in a sturdy to-go box...

...then the waitress came by and foiled the whole thing.

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

I asked my boss what to do with this huge roll of bubble wrap

He said, just pop it there in the corner.
It took me 4 goddamn hours.

"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife.

"I probably could,” she laughed.

"Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied.

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

Why do tortillas get such a bad wrap?

Because they are so corny.

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Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

Is Eminem an elf?

Because he is a wrap god.

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A man, wrapped from the neck down in saran wrap, walks into his therapist’s office.

Man: Doc, you’ve known me for years. Do you think I’ve gone crazy.

Therapist: Well I can clearly see you’re nuts.

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The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

Why did the man wrap his house in gift wrap?

He was told he'd be happy if he started living in the present.

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Parrot with No Legs

A man and his wife are in a pet store to purchase their first pet. Unfortunately, she has her eyes on a very expensive Blue Macaw that costs several thousand dollars. In a cage next to it is a smaller, rough looking parrot. The parrot looks at the man and whispers :

"Hey buddy, you should buy...

I'm going to cover my whole body in gift-wrap.

Then I can say I'm truly living in the present.

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A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life. When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap...

... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

What's the best way to wrap up 2016?

Debbie Reynolds Wrap.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

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[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.

Af...

Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

If you were to wrap a cloud as a gift, what would you wrap it with?

A RAINBOW!

Guys: never wear a Saran Wrap skirt to a job interview...

They will clearly see your nuts.

Why doesn't Saran Wrap have any friends?

Because it sticks to itself.

I like to squat down, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward.

That's how I roll...

How is a lonely twig like a piece of cling wrap?

He can only stick to himself.

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A German man jumped in a freezing lake to save my dog...

He said “keep him out of ze cold and wrap him in a warm towel”

I said are you a vet?

He said “vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap music!

Your Mama is so skinny

She can wrap a Motel 6 bath towel around her waist

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

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Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape?

So it won't explode when you fuck it.

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

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