A guy walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap.

The therapist says "well I can clearly see you're nuts".

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife.

"I probably could,” she laughed.

"Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied.

I asked my boss what to do with this huge roll of bubble wrap

He said, just pop it there in the corner.
It took me 4 goddamn hours.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today...

He was high on my list of priorities...

Is Eminem an elf?

Because he is a wrap god.

Why do tortillas get such a bad wrap?

Because they are so corny.

A man, wrapped from the neck down in saran wrap, walks into his therapist’s office.

Man: Doc, you’ve known me for years. Do you think I’ve gone crazy.

Therapist: Well I can clearly see you’re nuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

Why did the man wrap his house in gift wrap?

He was told he'd be happy if he started living in the present.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Parrot with No Legs

A man and his wife are in a pet store to purchase their first pet. Unfortunately, she has her eyes on a very expensive Blue Macaw that costs several thousand dollars. In a cage next to it is a smaller, rough looking parrot. The parrot looks at the man and whispers :

"Hey buddy, you should buy...

I'm going to cover my whole body in gift-wrap.

Then I can say I'm truly living in the present.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life. When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap...

... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.

Af...

What brand of plastic wrap do they use in North Africa?

Saharan Wrap

What's the best way to wrap up 2016?

Debbie Reynolds Wrap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few sec...

If you were to wrap a cloud as a gift, what would you wrap it with?

A RAINBOW!

Guys: never wear a Saran Wrap skirt to a job interview...

They will clearly see your nuts.

Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

I like to squat down, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward.

That's how I roll...

How is a lonely twig like a piece of cling wrap?

He can only stick to himself.

I like my women like I like my plastic wrap.

Clingy, easy to handle, and microwave and freezer tested.

what do you call a spicy wrap made at an Indian takeaway?

currito

I wrote a song about a tortilla

Well, it's more like a wrap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between Cardi B and a Chipotle server?

They both take your money and leave you with a sore asshole, but a Chipotle server can wrap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape?

So it won't explode when you fuck it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple was going out for the evening.

They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the ho...

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...