UPJOKE
delicatessenshopstorepizzeriarestaurantcafefood shopgrocerydinerboutiquedrugstorebakerypizzasandwichburger

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I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

What do you call your reddit friend Ted who works at the deli?

-deleted-

What do you call a reptilian deli manager?

A deli-gator

The guys at the Delhi Deli pressured me into having a BLT on Indian bread instead of rye.

Now I like such a naan conformist.

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A man wants to buy some meat at his local Deli

A man walks in to Simpsons Deli and asks the butcher, "Do you have any deals going on right now?"

The butcher replies, "Sure we do! You can get 20 Chicken Breasts for $40, a full cow for $500, or half the meat for $499!"

The man scratches head in confusion and gets angry at the butcher...

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

On my cake day, I went to the Doctor and was told that my love of deli meats was going to kill me.

I had to quit cold turkey.

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli,

went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offer. ing some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know tha...

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

I used to work at a deli…

But I quit slicing cold turkey.

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Why are Jewish delis and therapist's offices alike?

They're both places where beef is cured.

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

Why is a kitty who eats only lunch meats the most fragile?

Because it’s deli-cat

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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

Noah's son walks into a kosher deli and orders a sandwich.

"Sorry," said the owner. "We don't serve Ham."

Two lawyers are friends and have lunch with each other

They always have lunch in their cramped offices. One day, one of the lawyers said to the other, "We should go downstairs to the deli and have lunch there, there's much more room."



The other agreed and they went downstairs to the deli.



When they sat down, the waitress ca...

A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"

Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"

At a deli for lunch yesterday. . .

I had this strange feeling come over me that I had tasted the mustard before. I think that's dijon vu.

My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...

They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

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Doctor, you have to help me.

I work in a deli, and all day long all I can think about is sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.

My God, that's horrible. Clearly you need help. Don't worry, with therapy I'm sure we can rid you of this awful impulse.

Thank you, doctor. I don't know what might have happened. If I fin...

Who decided to call them deli slices and not...

... Meat Thins?

Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

My deli guy is very witty.

He has a rye sense of humor.

This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke

Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?

DeliGirl: Genoa salami?

Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

I’ve decided to put an end to my addiction to deli meats.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC

Please stop calling my new phone.

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

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Why do vampires like virgins?

If you went out to you're favorite deli and ordered a sandwich you would probably also want one that had never had a penis in it.

TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today

Oops... wrong sub

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

A young calf went to the deli’s by himself even though he was told to stay home.

He was grounded afterwards.

Trump got a sandwich named after him at his favorite deli.

Commander in Cheese Meltdown.

They put it on the kid's menu.

Guy goes into a deli

He looks over the menu:

Ham sandwich: $5
Roast beef sandwich: $7.50
Handjob: $250

He looks at the hot blonde behind the counter and says, "who gives the handjob?"

"I do!" She says with a smile!

"Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich"

A man walks in to a local deli and sees this sign.

€4 Chicken Sub
€3 Ham Sub
€2 Hand job

A beautiful blond walks up to serve him.

Man- Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?

Beautiful Blonde- Yes I am

Man- Great, would ya mind washing your hands there and get me two ham subs.

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.

I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

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Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"


The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conv...

I bought Kosher sausages from the local deli for the first time, and it looks a little weird.

Is it normal that a bit of the skin is missing from the top?

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I'm addicted to deli meats

The worst part is my therapist keeps recommending cold turkey

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas...

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I went to the deli and ordered a pepperoni

The cashier asked me if I wanted it sliced.

I asked "What do you think my ass is, a piggy bank?"

A man is getting some deli meat...

And he asks the clerk: "How long does turkey last?"
The clerk replies: "oh about 5 days or so."
Man:"Really?! That doesn't sound right, I think it's closer to 2 weeks!
Clerk:"Oh no that's a bunch of bologna"

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot.. Can you run down to the deli and pick up some snails for me"

The man dutifully agrees and walks down to the deli and gets a box of snails. On the way b...

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

Fire Sale!

Our corner deli had a fire last week. They were right back in business the next day, though, selling smoked ham, smoked turkey, smoked cheeses....

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Humor in the workplace

A guy who works in a deli goes to his psychiatrist and says, “Doc! I’ve become obsessed with sticking my penis in the pickle slicer at work.”

Quite concerned, the psychiatrist lists the many reasons it’s a bad idea.

The guy brings the subject up week after week. One week he comes in an...

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The New Owner

A rich man bought a failing factory, and decided he was going to turn it around himself.

The first day the new owner grabs the factory foreman, and tells him he’s going to get some real progress out of these lazy workers. They walk out onto the factory floor and see a young man lounging up ...

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A 25-year-old Jewish girl.....

..... tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without ans...

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

What did the DJ order from the deli?

A club sandwich with extra beets.

The Foreigner

(Not my joke but I wanted your opinion on it.)

A foreigner new to America landed a job at a factory. His brother who had been here for a while taught him how to say apple pie and coffee so he could get lunch. After a couple of weeks, he wanted something different so his brother taught him to ...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

I walked in on my son beating his meat

I didn't know he got a job at the deli!

Longtime Friends - Priest and a Rabbi (LONG)

Every Tuesday for the last 25 years a priest and a rabbi have met at the local diner to have lunch and kvetch about things.


This day, while eating lunch and waxing philosophical, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks him, "We've known each other for over 25 years. All this time I'm cu...

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

The word is: perpetuate

The question is: How do they charge you at a vietnamese deli?

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An old New Yorker and his wife were at the therapist

The wife said “In the fifty years I’ve known him, Morty hasn’t had a good word to say about anything. All he does is complain.”

The therapist looks at Morty and asks “what do you think about that?”

“I think it’s terrible, and ridiculous, and absurd, and I don’t even know why we’re her...

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If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....

....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

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Ajit Pai is shopping in a grocery store...

Ajit Pai is shopping in a grocery store when he notices a produce clerk eyeing him. He goes about his shopping, albeit a bit unnerved by the clerk’s hungry eyes.

Ajit turns down another aisle and sees the guy at the deli counter scoping him out like a lion would look at a wounded wildebeest. ...

A Guy Is fed up with his case of intestinal Worms

He decided its about time to have things checked out.


He goes and visits his local doctor, the doctor prescribes him medication.
He heads home and and struggles for weeks, to no avail.


He goes and visits a famous diagnostician, who tells him that the worms have grown f...

I met a man from India and he gave me this one

A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane.

The Frenchman says to the stewardess "I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window!" Of course she doesn't believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells every...

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A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and...

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

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A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.

The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it. He suggests he take a ...

I recently became the manager of a small shop

The first thing I did was install a big barrier around the cooked meat and sandwiches section. My employees asked me why so I told them.

A good manager relies on Deli gating.

I'm flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.

Everyone keeps raving about their new deli...

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now... (more)

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

My friends say I drink too much brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

I'm hooked on deli sandwiches, but I've decided I'm going to quit cold turkey.

My girlfriend used to be a nun, but she dropped the h...

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagel...

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Two guys want to go out on the town drinking

But between the two of them, they only have about $15. So they are pondering the best way they can go out on the town and get drunk with the money they have. All of a sudden, Guy 1 says "hey, I have an idea! Give me the money you have, and I'll be right back." He goes to the corner deli store and c...

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

A guy's working as a cashier at Best Buy

He finds his job a little dull, but from where he's stationed he can see out to store entrance to the parking lot (and more importantly, the sky) outside. He spends a lot of time looking out the store entrance and daydreaming, but one day he notices a blond woman walk up to the store with a bunch of...

People in India must really enjoy sandwiches.

I heard there were almost 250,000 people in a new deli.

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Damn Fish

The mom goes to the store asks the deli guy about specials. He says, there's a sale on Damn fish. She says what? Damn fish, the deli guy says, that's the name of it. The mom buys a pound.

She gets home and is frying the fish. The dad comes home. That smells great, he says. What is it?
...

My wife saw a French cookery program on TV...

...so she sent me out at lunchtime to buy some snails. I got the bus into town, found a deli, and bought a bag of snails.

As I was walking back to the bus-stop, I bumped into one of my mates. "Kinygos, how's it going? I was just talking with the boys about you. Hey, they're still at the...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

What did the surrealist butcher name his shop?

Salvador Deli

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A guy goes to see a psychiatrist

He says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I work in a deli, and all day long all I can think about is sticking my dick in the pickle slicer. I don't know how much longer I can keep from doing it."

The Doctor says, "My God, that's terrible. You must continue to fight this self destructive urge. Togeth...

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Ouch

Bill has worked in a deli for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns h...

Broccoli

One day a grocery store clerk was packing some produce when a woman approached him,

Woman: "Excuse me sir, I can't seem to find the broccoli. Could you point me in the right direction?"
Man: "Sorry ma'am, we are out until tomorrow morning when the shipment arrives. Check back tomorrow."...

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The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

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A worried woman...[nsfw]

A woman begins dating a new man, and it seems like their relationship is developing well. However, she's worried about the overly large size of her lady orifice. So, she decides to hold off the young man's ardor. She knows she can't wait forever, but she just can't think of what else to do.

F...

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NSFW My son in law...

a deli owner is also a very proud father of a daughter. His daughter is the first in the family to be accepted into an ivy league university, not bad for people who live above their deli. The only thing he worries about is his daughter can't seem to find a man.

One night he hears a sound do...

I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings.

I'll call it Salvador Deli.

A friend of mine is so politically correct....

At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.

It's time for some Tern Jokes!

* A group of sea-birds flew over Amsterdam.
No tern was left unstoned.

* Frans just opened up his new Deli and was doing quite well. People came in from miles around to buy his sausages and meats, and they never left unsatisfied. One day a man walks in and orders a pound of sausage. Fran...

Everyone mourns our fallen heroes...

But I'm the only one who cried when I dropped my deli sandwich

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A guy goes to his doctor...

He works at the local deli, and he said to his doctor, "Hey doc, I've been having this issue, I'm really tempted to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." His doctor is like, "um, no, just don't do it." He said "I'm just really, really tempted to put my dick in the pickle slicer." His doc said, "Well,...

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