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Toast Jokes

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."
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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...
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Irish Toast

An oldie but a goodie

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toa...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
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A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

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I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.

On the upside, it’s buttered.

On the downside, it isn’t.

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."
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A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.
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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

How do Germans greet their toast?

Gluten tag
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Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity.
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Hey, man, know why Eddie Vedder put margarine on his toast?

He can't find the butter, man.

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar.

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar. They walk up to the counter and order some drinks. The bartender says,

Sorry, we dont serve breakfast
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What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.
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How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)
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I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.
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What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast, inside the toaster?

It’s toasty in here!
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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...
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Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?
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Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...
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During the reception a man stands up for his toast and starts speaking cheerfully.

- What a lovely couple you two are, just adorable. And so many wonderful wishes from all of your beloved guests. But if I may, I would like to wish something for myself. I wish for the bride to give me a blowjob.
The guest are shocked, the room goes silent and the groom, a hulk of a man, stands u...

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A toast to the virgins of the world.

Thanks for nothing.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...
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Why is French toast called lost bread in French ?

Because English stole it
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What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.
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Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!
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What do you call someone that hates when he doesn’t have toast

Lack-toast-intolerant
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What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam
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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

I didn't have any toast this morning, and I'm very angry about it.

I think I might be lack toast intolerant.
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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

What do Sharks have on their toast?

Mermalaid.
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What is the correct toast to someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

Bottoms up!
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If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast
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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.
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On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...
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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.
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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
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Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!
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A toast for tonight!

2020 is hindsight!

Happy New Years!
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What do you call a Frenchman with eggs and toast on his head?

Emile
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Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

I propose a toast

I hope it says yes
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The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...
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My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"
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Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.
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How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in
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A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.
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My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark.
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Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
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At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”
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Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty. 😊
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What do printers eat on their toast?

Paper jam.
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The traveling salesman's toast

To all the kisses I've snatched ...


and vice versa.
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What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread
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A dad is making his young daughter some toast for breakfast

He butters it, and decides to put some honey on, too. The little girl never had it before, but she liked it - and asked her dad what it was.

He says, "I'll give you a hint - it's what your mother calls me all the time."

Just then, the wife walks in, and the little girl exclaims to her...

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

Johnny is at it again.

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the tea...
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A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man get...
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What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast
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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

I think my brother is making too much french toast

Because he keeps surrendering them to me.
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I'd like to propose a toast...

To burning bread. Will you marry me?
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Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.
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Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.
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How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.
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Does anybody smell toast?

Seriously, does anyone smell toas-
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My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"
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What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.
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Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.
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What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah
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I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant
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How do monkeys make toast?

They put it under a gorilla.
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Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

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It's Dale's last day as a postman

25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some t...

My buddy came up with this toast for a wedding

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night, he was on her and off her
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Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.
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A toast!

Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.
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What's on a toast that got run over by a car?

Traffic Jam
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A wedding toast

They say half of all marriages end in divorce...well, the other half end in death. So I guess I hope you die.
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Give a man some jam and he can enjoy a nice piece of toast

Teach a man to jam and his Phish cover band will ruin your wedding
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