John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

What is sperm on toast?

A man spread

A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.

What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast

How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

French toast is so good

It just surrenders right in your mouth

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

The other day i saw a piece of toast in a cage in the zoo...

It was bread in captivity.

My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

What does Marvin the Martian put on his toast?

Space Jam

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

I think my brother is making too much french toast

Because he keeps surrendering them to me.

"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding

"Add some jam on it," he continued

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

My buddy came up with this toast for a wedding

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night, he was on her and off her

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty.

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times

I’m lack toast intolerant

Know the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

They say guns dont kill people, people kill people.

does that mean toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast?

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

How do monkeys make toast?

They put it under a gorilla.

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

What do cars spread on their toast?

Traffic jam

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

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My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun

I responded, "Because of those fucking decepticons!"

I laughed.

She laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

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An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist r...

A toast for a hopeless romantics wedding

One word "Finally"

What's on a toast that got run over by a car?

Traffic Jam

Spreading stuff on toast?

That's my jam.

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

My wife asked, if the Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys are cannibals why do they keep hanging out together...

I said, I think it's the same guy eating all the other Crunch guys, he's a cereal killer.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What's the difference between a piece of toast and a Frenchman

You can make soliders out of a piece of toast..

Why is harder to make toast in Australia?

Because Australian bread is damper.

You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'...

The only exception is 'people.'

A toast!

Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.

A wedding toast

They say half of all marriages end in divorce...well, the other half end in death. So I guess I hope you die.

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What's the difference between a guy that can't drink milk and a bunch of Nazi soup kitchens that ran out of bread?

The guy's lactose intolerant. The others lack toast and tolerance.

...god damn, that was painful. I'll show myself out.

*edit* for slightly better delivery

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By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".

The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, ...

A man's bread shop burnt down

Now his business is toast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...

..there was a jam

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad is making his young daughter some toast for breakfast

He butters it, and decides to put some honey on, too. The little girl never had it before, but she liked it - and asked her dad what it was.

He says, "I'll give you a hint - it's what your mother calls me all the time."

Just then, the wife walks in, and the little girl exclaims to her...

Don't cry over burnt toast

That would just make it soggy.

Give a man some jam and he can enjoy a nice piece of toast

Teach a man to jam and his Phish cover band will ruin your wedding

A Scotsman enters a toasting competition...

After waiting his turn he holds up his glass and says "Here's to spending the rest of me life in between the legs of me wife!" The crowd roars with drunken laughter and he ultimately wins the competition.

Upon arriving home to his wife drunk, he proudly proclaims his victory only to be asked...

Toasts are like parents...

If they are black, you have nothing to eat

What do termites put on their toast?

Door jamb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

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