UPJOKE
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A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

My paycheck came in the mail today mysteriously toasted

I believe I may be fired.

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

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Hey, man, know why Eddie Vedder put margarine on his toast?

He can't find the butter, man.

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar.

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar. They walk up to the counter and order some drinks. The bartender says,

Sorry, we dont serve breakfast

What do you call toasted communion bread

Jesus Crust

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast, inside the toaster?

It’s toasty in here!

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John O’Reilly

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary,

'I won the prize for the Best toast of the nig...

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During the reception a man stands up for his toast and starts speaking cheerfully.

- What a lovely couple you two are, just adorable. And so many wonderful wishes from all of your beloved guests. But if I may, I would like to wish something for myself. I wish for the bride to give me a blowjob.
The guest are shocked, the room goes silent and the groom, a hulk of a man, stands u...

Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

If two pieces of toast are making love...

When one of them is close to finishing, do they scream "I’m gonna crumb!"?

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)

Why is French toast called lost bread in French ?

Because English stole it

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

A man walks into a bar

He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and looks around. There's only one other man at the bar, so he decides to sit next to him and strike up a conversation.

"So, there, where do you do for a living?"

"Ah, I'm just a simple farmer."

"No fooling? I'm a farmer too. Barkeep! B...

What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

What do you call someone that hates when he doesn’t have toast

Lack-toast-intolerant

Do you like eggs?

I have them in the morning with my toast.
Sometimes sunny side up, sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy.
I think they're eggsellent.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

What do you call toast in a cage?

Bread in captivity.

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

What is the correct toast to someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

Bottoms up!

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A toast to the virgins of the world.

Thanks for nothing.

What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam

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An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

“Will you g...

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Mike does not feel too well.

He feels tired and stressed all the time.

"Go to the doctor", said his wife.

At first, he ignored his wife, but after a week of suffering, he finally decided to come. The doctor asked him a lot of questions.

"What do you eat for breakfast?", he asked.

"Eggs, toast with bu...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

what's a Targaryen's favorite breakfast?

Aegon toast

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage

The sign says it is bread in captivity.

I didn't have any toast this morning, and I'm very angry about it.

I think I might be lack toast intolerant.

What do Sharks have on their toast?

Mermalaid.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time"

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

Did you hear about the bakery that burned down?

That business is toast now.

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast.

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

a man at a wedding had the urge to tell everyone what he had for breakfast

So he gets up rings his champagne glass a few times until all eyes are on him and says "a toast"

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

What do you call a Frenchman with eggs and toast on his head?

Emile

A toast for tonight!

2020 is hindsight!

Happy New Years!

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.

What's the difference between a French soldier and a piece of toast?

You can make a soldier out of a piece of toast.

Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...

What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

The traveling salesman's toast

To all the kisses I've snatched ...


and vice versa.

I was shocked...

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

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rip gilbert gottfried

there's a family about to eat breakfast, a mom, a dad, and two little boys. the mom looks at one of the kids and asked him what he would like for
breakfast, he said "i would like the fucking french toast". the mom then started to slap him and the dad took of his belt and started beating him, they...

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark.

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty. 😊

What do printers eat on their toast?

Paper jam.

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

Why shouldn’t you put a toaster in the bathtub?

Because your toast will get soggy.

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

My first job was at a busy restaurant toasting bread for BLT's all day...

It was really crumby work.

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Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a bar.

"You know," one says, "I love Guiness. It takes me back to Ireland, where I was raised."

"You're kidding!" says the second patron. "I was born in Ireland too!"

The men toast Ireland, laugh, and keep drinking. The bartender shakes his head.

"So where in Ireland are you from?"
...

My buddy came up with this toast for a wedding

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night, he was on her and off her

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

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