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Toast Jokes

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

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I’m ambivalent about having toast for breakfast.

On the up side, it’s buttered.

On the down side,…it isn’t.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."

Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."

The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.

So O'Brien explain...

How do Germans greet their toast?

Gluten tag

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar.

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar. They walk up to the counter and order some drinks. The bartender says,

Sorry, we dont serve breakfast

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

A couple in their 80's.....

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man get...

I went into a restaurant that said they'd serve breakfast any time...

so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance

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Hey, man, know why Eddie Vedder put margarine on his toast?

He can't find the butter, man.

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast, inside the toaster?

It’s toasty in here!

My wife: "I regret getting you that blender for Christmas"

Me: *sipping toast* "why?"

My wife warned me to stop making breakfast puns…

She said I’d be toast. I replied, our son keeps egging me on, he’s such a ham.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

What do you call toasted communion bread

Jesus Crust

If two pieces of toast are making love...

When one of them is close to finishing, do they scream "I’m gonna crumb!"?

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate avocado toast before it was cool.

A man on a business trip went out for breakfast

When the waitress came to his booth, she asked "What can we get you?"

The man paused and said "I'll tell you what- I'd like the special, but I want my toast burned to a crisp, my bacon rubbery, my coffee weak and when you bring me the food I want you to yell at me."

Puzzled, the wait...

What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!

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Toast to your good life

Paddy O'Brien was at the pub and hoisted his beer saying, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life inbetween the legs of me wife!”

Everyone cheered and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he says to his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for t...

What do you call toast in a cage?

Bread in captivity.

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

Why is French toast called lost bread in French ?

Because English stole it

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

what is an English teachers favorite cereal?

Synonym toast crunch

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During the reception a man stands up for his toast and starts speaking cheerfully.

- What a lovely couple you two are, just adorable. And so many wonderful wishes from all of your beloved guests. But if I may, I would like to wish something for myself. I wish for the bride to give me a blowjob.
The guest are shocked, the room goes silent and the groom, a hulk of a man, stands u...

What happens at a cannibal wedding?

They toast the bride and groom.

What do you call someone that hates when he doesn’t have toast

Lack-toast-intolerant

So two archenemies get in a car crash in the middle of the night...

They get out of their cars, uninjured, and the first guy goes, "Hey, we both are fine! Maybe this is a sign from the heavens that we are meant to be friends!" So the second guy responds, "Maybe that is so."

Then, the first guy suggests they make a toast to their newfound friendship, "I thin...

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A toast to the virgins of the world.

Thanks for nothing.

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

What is the correct toast to someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

Bottoms up!

What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

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The Postman

Walter the mail carrier was delivering mail and a few packages to Mrs. Petersen, a gorgeous housewife, right before Christmas. Mrs. Petersen was stunning and always had a kind word, unlike her arrogant prick of a husband. It was a cold morning, and as Walter was dropping off her mail, Mrs. Petersen ...

A doctor is checking on his patient after she’s spent the night in the hospital and asks how her breakfast was.

“Well, doctor,” the old woman says, “the eggs were fine. The toast was fine. But the nurse left a tube of that Kentucky Jelly in here and it might be the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!”

I didn't have any toast this morning, and I'm very angry about it.

I think I might be lack toast intolerant.

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

What do Sharks have on their toast?

Mermalaid.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast.

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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

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An egg and a piece of toast walk into a bar...

The egg says "I'll have a beer," and the piece of toast says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING EGG!"

A toast for tonight!

2020 is hindsight!

Happy New Years!

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

A man walks into a bar

He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and looks around. There's only one other man at the bar, so he decides to sit next to him and strike up a conversation.

"So, there, where do you do for a living?"

"Ah, I'm just a simple farmer."

"No fooling? I'm a farmer too. Barkeep! B...

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

Do you like eggs?

I have them in the morning with my toast.
Sometimes sunny side up, sometimes scrambled, sometimes over easy.
I think they're eggsellent.

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!

What do you call a Frenchman with eggs and toast on his head?

Emile

I propose a toast

I hope it says yes

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark.

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty. 😊

What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...

What do printers eat on their toast?

Paper jam.

The traveling salesman's toast

To all the kisses I've snatched ...


and vice versa.

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

Does anybody smell toast?

Seriously, does anyone smell toas-

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Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

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A dad is making his young daughter some toast for breakfast

He butters it, and decides to put some honey on, too. The little girl never had it before, but she liked it - and asked her dad what it was.

He says, "I'll give you a hint - it's what your mother calls me all the time."

Just then, the wife walks in, and the little girl exclaims to her...

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Mike does not feel too well.

He feels tired and stressed all the time.

"Go to the doctor", said his wife.

At first, he ignored his wife, but after a week of suffering, he finally decided to come. The doctor asked him a lot of questions.

"What do you eat for breakfast?", he asked.

"Eggs, toast with bu...

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

Did you hear about the bakery that burned down?

That business is toast now.

My buddy came up with this toast for a wedding

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night, he was on her and off her

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