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John O'Reilly makes a toast..

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." <...

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!

What is the correct toast to someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

Bottoms up!

What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

What do cannibalistic Dutch rodents put on their toast?

Hamster Jam

What do you call toast in a cage?

Bread in captivity.

I didn't have any toast this morning, and I'm very angry about it.

I think I might be lack toast intolerant.

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

What do you call someone that hates when he doesn’t have toast

Lack-toast-intolerant

If two pieces of toast are making love...

When one of them is close to finishing, do they scream "I’m gonna crumb!"?

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A toast to the virgins of the world.

Thanks for nothing.

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Drinking my coffee and toast

Reddit jokes is my host.


And when I finally get engrossed


A mother fuckin repost!




But not this one, it's now ripe to roast

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

Why shouldn’t you put a toaster in the bathtub?

Because your toast will get soggy.

What do you call a bird that likes avocado toast?

The millennial falcon.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage

The sign says it is bread in captivity.

What do Sharks have on their toast?

Mermalaid.

How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

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One of my all-time favourite jokes

(read with Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She s...

Anatomy lesson gone wrong

One day at an all-girl school, an elderly anatomy teacher was reviewing with his students for a test. He turns to one student and says "Karen, what part of the body can grow up to six times its size, and under what conditions does this occur?"

Karen, aghast, starts screaming "How dare you ask...

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

What do you call a Frenchman with eggs and toast on his head?

Emile

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

An eighty-year-old couple is having problems remembering things

So they go to the doctor to get checked out. They describe to the doctor the problems they are each having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. The couple thanks ...

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

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Freudian Slip

A man is going through an airport after buying his ticket, and he walks over to a friend with his head down.

"Ah man, I can't believe what just happened. I had a Freudian slip. Do you see the ticket agent with the huge cans? I accidentally asked her for two pickets to titsville."

His ...

Heard at a wake

"Here's a toast to the host, who is , at most, a ghost ".

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

3 idiots walk into a bar....

They all order a round of drinks and inform the bartender that they are celebrating.
The three idiots lift their glasses into the air and together they shout "53" and skull their drinks.
They continue to order drinks throughout the night and evey time they toast and yell "53"
Finally curios...

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

A toast for tonight!

2020 is hindsight!

Happy New Years!

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

Did you know that when a shark has a stroke...

it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!

The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

i had a one night stand with a really wild girl

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

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Freudian Slip

Tim needs to get to Cincinnati. He decides to take a train. When he walks up to the ticket counter the woman behind the counter had huge breasts. He tells her " I would like Cicket to TITSanati, um I mean a Ticket to Cincinnati." The woman blushes and laughs it off. Tim gets his ticket and boards t...

A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

Mom: "I regret getting you that blender for your birthday"

Me: (with liquid toast): Why?

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Two men are making breakfast...

Two men are making breakfast. As one is buttering the toast, he says, “Did you ever notice that if you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?”

The second guy says, “No, I bet it just seems that way because it’s so unpleasant to clean up the mess when it lands butter side dow...

What do printers eat on their toast?

Paper jam.

What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

How do you make a vegetable toast?

Connect the wheelchair to the mains.

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

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How does Gordon Ramsays family know he's having a stroke?

The toast is fuckin' burnt

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

Synonym Toast Crunch

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

I think my brother is making too much french toast

Because he keeps surrendering them to me.

Does anybody smell toast?

Seriously, does anyone smell toas-

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty. 😊

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast.

What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

Jam Inside

Well, I've been standing by the printer with my toast for 10 mins.

THERE IS NO JAM INSIDE!

My first job was at a busy restaurant toasting bread for BLT's all day...

It was really crumby work.

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

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Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

My buddy came up with this toast for a wedding

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night, he was on her and off her

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

How do monkeys make toast?

They put it under a gorilla.

There was once a cornflake named randy.

Randy was a rambunctious cornflake. When he was being toasted, he was in the back of the assembly line. He tried and tried and tried to get to the front, but failed. Now remember Randy wasn’t an ordinary cornflake, he was a rambunctious cornflake. When he was being put into the box, he was at the b...

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Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times

I’m lack toast intolerant

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