What do you call toast in a cage?

Bread in captivity.

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

What do Sharks have on their toast?

Mermalaid.

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

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A Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did...

I didn't have any toast this morning, and I'm very angry about it.

I think I might be lack toast intolerant.

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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

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OMG! The waiter just sneezed on my toast!

I can't believe it! Snot butter!

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage

The sign says it is bread in captivity.

What do cars put on their toast?

Traffic jam.

How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)

What do you call a bird that likes avocado toast?

The millennial falcon.

What do you call a Frenchman with eggs and toast on his head?

Emile

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

A toast for tonight!

2020 is hindsight!

Happy New Years!

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

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The Italian man who went to Malta

read with Italian accent, those who cannot, suffer !)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wann...

I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend.

All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

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An egg and a piece of toast walk into a bar...

The egg says "I'll have a beer," and the piece of toast says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING EGG!"

What is a English teacher’s favorite cereal?

Synonym Toast Crunch

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

What compels a person to put syrup on their toast?

The French

The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast.

A guy came up to me and asked if I would chuck bacon, eggs, fries, beans and toast at him!

I said; "what do you want a brunch in the face?!"

What happened when the bakery burned down?

Their business was toast!

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark.

A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.

Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!

The traveling salesman's toast

To all the kisses I've snatched ...


and vice versa.

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

What do printers eat on their toast?

Paper jam.

What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

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One Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. NSFW

On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his crude language. She hits him and sends him upstairs. When...

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

What is sperm on toast?

A man spread

How do you make a vegetable toast?

Connect the wheelchair to the mains.

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

Wife: "I regret getting you that blender for christmas"

Me: (Drinking toast) "Why?"

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

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My Dad

My dad loves to say a toast. He gave one yesterday to commemorate the final days of 2020

”We drink to those who love us

We drink to those who don’t.

We drink to those who fuck us

And say fuck you to those who don’t!”

The local Rotary Club didn't know who the Hell...

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

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Two rocket scientists, Dave and Archie, are in the staff kitchen...

Dave is trying to get the toaster oven to work so he can toast their breakfast. Nothing seems to be working. He tried unplugging/replugging it. He tried cleaning it out.

After several minutes, a frustrated Archie finally speaks up.

"Figure it out, Dave!" he says. "It's not sex."

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

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Three Brothers

Three brothers all decide to get married on the same day. Following the ceremony they're in the bar discussing how many times each is going to have sex with their new wives that evening and they soon set a wager. The following morning around the breakfast table, obviously unable to discuss the wager...

My buddy came up with this toast for a wedding

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night, he was on her and off her

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty. 😊

A priest and a rabbi have a car accident....

Shortly before shabbat (Friday night) , two drivers – one a rabbi and the other a priest – are in a horrible collision, and both cars are totaled. By what only can be described as a miracle, the two men are unscathed. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ...

One day, you're the best thing since slice bread....

.....the next, you're toast.

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day, so here's a long one: A mail carrier is being reassigned...

A mailman is being transferred to a new route, so he tells his customers it's his last week. On his last day, at one particular house, he rings the bell to deliver a package and a woman answers the door in a silk robe with a teddy underneath.
"I just want to thank you properly for your service...

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

My friend’s grandma had two ovens and stored bread in one of them...

One day she preheated the wrong one

All the bread was toast

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering thngs, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets...

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

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Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

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