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Just sneezed all over my toast

I can’t believe it snot butter.

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

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Irish man drunken toast

Paddy Reilly hoisted his beer and said:
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Ay...

What do Sharks have on their toast?

Mermalaid.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

I propose a toast

I hope it says yes

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast as they were vigorously rubbing against each other?

Don't stop I'm about to crumb.

I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.

It was bread in captivity.

What's raisin toast?

Parent toast.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

What compels a person to put syrup on their toast?

The French

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

The traveling salesman's toast

To all the kisses I've snatched ...


and vice versa.

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

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Three Brothers

Three brothers all decide to get married on the same day. Following the ceremony they're in the bar discussing how many times each is going to have sex with their new wives that evening and they soon set a wager. The following morning around the breakfast table, obviously unable to discuss the wager...

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

My friend’s grandma had two ovens and stored bread in one of them...

One day she preheated the wrong one

All the bread was toast

What do printers eat on their toast?

Paper jam.

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering thngs, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets...

Wife: "I regret getting you that blender for christmas"

Me: (Drinking toast) "Why?"

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!

Does anybody smell toast?

Seriously, does anyone smell toas-

A priest and a rabbi have a car accident....

Shortly before shabbat (Friday night) , two drivers – one a rabbi and the other a priest – are in a horrible collision, and both cars are totaled. By what only can be described as a miracle, the two men are unscathed. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ...

One day, you're the best thing since slice bread....

.....the next, you're toast.

An old couple was realizing they were losing their memory

They decided they would go to a doctor to see about the problem

The doctor said “Well, there isn’t very much I can do, but you could try one thing.”

“What’s that?” They said

“You could try writing everything down, so if you ever forgot something, you would have a reference.”...

Yoda: Dark it is, the other side

Luke: Shut up and eat your toast.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark.

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

I put a slice of bread in the oven and forgot to set the timer.

As soon as I could smell it burning I knew it was toast.

A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.

What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

Who even needs a wife anyway?

How hard can it be to boil a toast?

My friend’s bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people

Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What do you call a burnt submarine?

A toasted sub

My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"

Bob and Rose are getting on in years, and their memories aren't what they used to be.

They make a visit to the doctor, who does a thorough check-up, before telling them that there's nothing to worry about, and that this is just a symptom of getting older.

"One thing you could try", the doc says, "is to write down the things you need to remember. Many of my patients say that he...

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

What did a guy with a 2 inch pecker have for breakfast?

Well, I had 2 eggs, some bacon, hash browns and toast.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

How do you make a vegetable toast?

Connect the wheelchair to the mains.

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

What does Marvin the Martian put on his toast?

Space Jam

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Glue toast to the ceiling.

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A set of identical boy triplets grow up doing everything together.

Naturally being brothers, they are very competitive and strive to outdo each other in everything they do. School, sports, work and most especially girls.

They get older, meet girls and all decide to settle down. Competitive streak aside, they are also extremely close and decide they will ge...

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Little Johnny comes home from school.....

Little Johnny asks his father what's for dinner.
Father annoyed at Johnny says 'shit on toast!'.

Little Johnny says 'Aww..... I hate toast'.

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

What do you get when you have a room full of happy people toasting shot glasses to stoned ghosts?

High Spirits

I think my brother is making too much french toast

Because he keeps surrendering them to me.

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

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George The Mailman

It’s George The Mailman’s last day on the job after 30 years and the last go at his route. He delivers mail to the first house and there is a nice little envelope with his name on it and a $20 bill thanking him for his loyal service over the years. The second house had a nicely wrapped package for h...

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty. 😊

I feel bad for the people who had a bread making business is Rome back then...

Because now their business is toast

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

Know the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

Walter and Agnes have been married for 50 years.

They’ve had a beautiful life together, but as they’ve gotten older, they’ve become more forgetful. Walter even went to play a round of golf the other day and forgot his clubs!

Agnes decided it was time to go to the doctor and see if anything could be done about their memory problems. The doct...

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

Drunks

Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"

Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"

Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."

Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

Drunk guy: "Huh?"

Drunk girl: "That's

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Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

What's the first ritual of a cannibal wedding?

Toast the bride and groom

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

My friend and I were late for a meeting

My friend and I were late for a meeting

We'd never been in that particular building before and we were lost.

My friend opened the wrong door and it turned out to be for a wedding reception.

After he closed the door, he seemed embarrassed and I said to him, "You look like you've ...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

My wife asked for an amulet..

I made it along with side of toast and pan cakes. Not sure why she is still mad at me.

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times

I’m lack toast intolerant

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

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Patrick O'Reilly...

Patrick O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toas...

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A Scotsman enters a toasting competition...

After waiting his turn he holds up his glass and says "Here's to spending the rest of me life in between the legs of me wife!" The crowd roars with drunken laughter and he ultimately wins the competition.

Upon arriving home to his wife drunk, he proudly proclaims his victory only to be asked...

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Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

What's on a toast that got run over by a car?

Traffic Jam

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