Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

Irish Toast

John O’ Reilly was at the local pub ...
He hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best...

I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times

I’m lack toast intolerant

How does Darth Vader like his toast?

On the dark side

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What do astronauts like with their toast?

Space Jam

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

Know the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

They say guns dont kill people, people kill people.

does that mean toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast?

I saw a piece of toast behind bars at the zoo.

The sign said, "Bread in captivity."

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

What do cars spread on their toast?

Traffic jam

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank's been drinking too much at the dinner party and decides to give a toast to his wife

"To my wife, the love of my life, and the sexiest woman I know. But it's too bad only one of those three is here tonight!"

There was a burst of laughter from the crowd, but Frank's wife took it in stride, raising here glass for a toast of her own.

"To my husband, a good provider, and t...

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

What's on a toast that got run over by a car?

Traffic Jam

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

A toast for a hopeless romantics wedding

One word "Finally"

A toast; to our wives and our girlfriends...

May they never meet.

Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun

I responded, "Because of those fucking decepticons!"

I laughed.

She laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

My wife asked, if the Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys are cannibals why do they keep hanging out together...

I said, I think it's the same guy eating all the other Crunch guys, he's a cereal killer.

What do astrounauts put in their toasts?

Space jam.

Spreading stuff on toast?

That's my jam.

My bread factory burned down.

Now my business is toast.

A wedding toast

They say half of all marriages end in divorce...well, the other half end in death. So I guess I hope you die.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist r...

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

You know it's weird you add 'French' to anything and it makes it better: 'French cuisine', 'French toast', 'French kiss'...

The only exception is 'people.'

Give a man some jam and he can enjoy a nice piece of toast

Teach a man to jam and his Phish cover band will ruin your wedding

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a guy that can't drink milk and a bunch of Nazi soup kitchens that ran out of bread?

The guy's lactose intolerant. The others lack toast and tolerance.

...god damn, that was painful. I'll show myself out.

*edit* for slightly better delivery

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...

..there was a jam

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

A toast!

Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.

Don't cry over burnt toast

That would just make it soggy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".

The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, ...

Toasts are like parents...

If they are black, you have nothing to eat

Whats the difference between toast and Frenchmen?

You can make soldiers out of toast.

A Scotsman enters a toasting competition...

After waiting his turn he holds up his glass and says "Here's to spending the rest of me life in between the legs of me wife!" The crowd roars with drunken laughter and he ultimately wins the competition.

Upon arriving home to his wife drunk, he proudly proclaims his victory only to be asked...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

I'd like to propose a toast...

To burning bread. Will you marry me?

What do termites put on their toast?

Door jamb.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets a prescription for Viagra...

That night he takes a big dose, and he and his wife have a wild night of passion.

The next morning, his wife says to him, "Dear, how about I make us some breakfast? Eggs, bacon, toast, maybe some fresh fruit?" The husband replies, " You know, I'm not really hungry. Maybe it's a side effect...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dad is making his young daughter some toast for breakfast

He butters it, and decides to put some honey on, too. The little girl never had it before, but she liked it - and asked her dad what it was.

He says, "I'll give you a hint - it's what your mother calls me all the time."

Just then, the wife walks in, and the little girl exclaims to her...

Then God said, come fourth john, for you will have eternal life...

But john came Fifth and won a free toaster

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Burnt Toast

A 14-year-old kid comes home from school crying after the first day of school. His mom asks what's wrong, and he says, "Today we took showers in gym class, and I noticed that compared to everyone else, my penis is small and I'm practically hairless! The other kids noticed, too, and they started to...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

I wanna make a toast to blind hookers

you really gotta hand it to them.

What do you get when eating toast in bed?

Un-crumb-fortable

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the toast drop his ice-cream?

He had butterfingers!