I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.

It was bread in captivity.

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”



My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my ...

What do printers eat on their toast?

Paper jam.

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A witch turned me into a piece of toast

but I got butter

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Man makes a toast

Man hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, , “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye ...

Synesthesia Toast Cruch!

The taste you can see!

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people

Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark.

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

A guy ate so much toast, he got bored of it.

The next day, he overtoast.

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

What’s the difference between the french and toast?

You can make soldiers out of toast

What do you call a zombified piece of toast?

The un-bread

How does Darth Vader like his toast...

On the dark side😂😂


(Told to me by my dad)

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Patrick O'Reilly...

Patrick O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toas...

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

Drunks

Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"

Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"

Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."

Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

Drunk guy: "Huh?"

Drunk girl: "That's

A Snail Picnic

A group of snails decided one day to have a picnic.

Each snail was in charge of bringing certain things. One snail had the bread, one snail had the wine, and one snail had the cheese.

The snails set off on their long 5 day journey to the picnic location. By the time they got there it...

My best man got up to give a toast at my wedding.

He clinked on his glass to get everyone’s attention, cleared his throat and said

"Plethora"

Then promptly sat back down.

I looked over and said,

"Wow, that means a lot"

What did the toast say when he fell down the stairs?

"Crust Almighty!"

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

WIFE : I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

What does Marvin the Martian put on his toast?

Space Jam

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I was hangin' with a couple of buddies

We got really toasted & for some reason we got on the subject of porn. Weird porn. Incest porn, furry porn. Just some kinks. One of my buds pulls up a weird incest/furry porn that was really unwatchable for me. We scrolled through some thumbnails and I said "stop, go back, that one." He clicked ...

An elderly, forgetful couple . . .

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ...

What do breads do at the dinner table?

Toast

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

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The Victoria's Secret Incident

I'm a detective and my day started off like every other. I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ate a slice of toast and a single sunny side up egg that my wife made. As soon as I made my way into the precinct the sheriff, Chett Bradley, walked up to me. "There's been an incident at a Victo...

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

I’d like to make a toast to Chicken Pot Pie.

Three of my favorite things.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

An old couple had trouble remembering anything

An old couple, Agnes and Fred, had trouble remembering anything.

During a checkup, the doctor tells the couple they are okay physically but should repeat everything to one another to help them remember things.

One night, Fred offered to make a bowl of ice cream for Agnes while they wer...

How does Bob Marley like his toast?

With Jamm in

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?

Because one more would be two farty.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

a Chinese farmer...

a Chinese farmer spent all his money on seeds, but they didn't germinate--the seeds were fake.

Facing financial ruin, he decided to kill himself and his whole family, so he put rat poison into the family dinner, but they all survived--the rat poison was fake.

To celebrate the family's...

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A women walks into a grocery shop

She then proceeds to buy :
ONE egg,
ONE muffin,
ONE ficello,
ONE piece of gum,
ONE toast,
etc,etc...

She then come at the front to pay. The cashier says :
- Woah, are you single ?
- Actually, yes ! But why you’re asking ?
- Because you’re fucking ugly

Know the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread

I’m black toast intolerant

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

Why do people toast before drinking?

Because it lifts their spirits.

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

What does Bruce from Jaws put on his toast?

Buh-tah. Buh-tah. Buh-tah tah-tah

What does sentient bread use to remember things?

Toast-It Notes.

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Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

How do monkeys make toast?

They put it under a gorilla.

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

I broke into a science lab and made some toast. Eating it made me really sick…

I guess I’m just lab-toast-intolerant

What did the toast say to his partner while they were doing sixty nine?

“Babe, I’m gonna crumb!”

What do cars spread on their toast?

Traffic jam

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

Jesus Crust

A priest and a Zen master are making toast.

The priest says "look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

The Zen master replies "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

What is it called when someone busts a nut on your toast?

Pearl jam

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Three kids come to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fucking French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, spanks him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fucking French toast for me," he says. She is liv...

Brexit fallout: my French Toast has just surrendered to my English Muffins. Germany is sending in the Luftwaffle... these events could engulf the entire continental breakfast.

and my Irish coffee is drunk. Again.

What's on a toast that got run over by a car?

Traffic Jam

A toast for a hopeless romantics wedding

One word "Finally"

Toast at a Wedding

"May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast.

"Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.

Spreading stuff on toast?

That's my jam.

Just Post Malone things

Q: What did Post Malone eat for breakfast?
A: Toast Malone

Q: What did Post Malone spray on before he left the house?
A: Post Cologne

Q: what do you call it when Post Malone invites you to his house?
A: Host Malone

Q: what do you call post-pubertal post Malone?
A:...

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

A toast!

Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.

A man goes to the doctor for stomach and throat problems.

A man goes to the doctor and complains, "Doc I don't know why but every morning before I leave for work I dry heave and almost vomit!"

The doctor says, "Well describe your morning routine to me, if you would."

The man says, "Well my alarm goes off, I get up and have a glass of juice an...

My wife asked, if the Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys are cannibals why do they keep hanging out together...

I said, I think it's the same guy eating all the other Crunch guys, he's a cereal killer.

What's the difference between a piece of toast and a Frenchman

You can make soliders out of a piece of toast..

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A Scotsman enters a toasting competition...

After waiting his turn he holds up his glass and says "Here's to spending the rest of me life in between the legs of me wife!" The crowd roars with drunken laughter and he ultimately wins the competition.

Upon arriving home to his wife drunk, he proudly proclaims his victory only to be asked...

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Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

Why is harder to make toast in Australia?

Because Australian bread is damper.

A wedding toast

They say half of all marriages end in divorce...well, the other half end in death. So I guess I hope you die.

A Toasting Contest

The first to toast starts, "Here's to music! It helps the liquor to go down smooth !"

A few men raise their glasses, "hear, hear!"

The second goes, "Here's to alcohol! It keeps the men warm and keeps the women looking pretty!"

More men reply, "HEAR, HEAR!"

The third man ...

I'd like to propose a toast...

To burning bread. Will you marry me?

Toasts are like parents...

If they are black, you have nothing to eat

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