UPJOKE
baseballfencingboxinglocusrightepigeneticsporttenniscrickethandmittpawheritabilityputout

Right Hand Jokes

In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand.....

I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

I had a SCAB but I picked the bottom right hand corner of it...

No I have a SCAR.

What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand?

"You always think you're right!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

"I don't like to send money via texts, so I need you to prove you're really my nephew. How many fingers am I holding up on my right hand?"

--This is a text, how should I know?

"I'm an amputee, and you'd know"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you've got one mothball in your right hand and one mothball in your left hand what have you got?

A big fuckin' moth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

I only date right handed women...

Righty tighty, lefty loosey

Teacher: which is the best hand to use when writing something, left hand or right hand?

Pupil: None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

I do everything with my right hand

I tell everyone this. I wonder why people don't shake my hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler’s alligator pine for his right hand man

He'd had the left one for breakfast

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

I broke my right hand recently...

My buddy asked, "Oh no, isn't that your drinking hand?"

I replied, "No, I'm am-beer-dextrious."

Put your right hand in throw your backbone out.

It was probably a bad idea to play the hokey pokey at an old folks home.

Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time?

Or is that just stereotyping.

A guy asked me how I lost the finger on my right hand.

I was showing someone how I lost the finger on my left

A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.

Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.

What did the right hand smart watch say to the left hand smart watch?

"You get your 10000 steps today? I'm about to break a new record." The left hand smart watch replies "not one step yet, only web browsing."

I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand

The only thing he does left is write.

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope and his right hand bishop are on a flight with 25 sunny school children

They’re on their way back to the children’s hometown when one of the engine goes. Then another, and then the last two at the same time. The pilot jumps out of the cockpit and runs to the Pope.

“Your excellency, I’m really sorry, but this plane is going down and we only have two parachutes on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For years I've been wiping my arse with my right hand.

I now realise that I should have been using toilet paper.

When going to the toilet, would you rather use the left or right hand to wipe your buthole

I would personally rather use the toilet paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a kebab street food restaurant

“One classic portion with extra sauce please.”

The man in the window writes down the order and yells to the back:

“One Oh fuck with a guitar”

“What?! That’s not what I ordered!”, replies the confused customer.

“Oh don’t worry. It’s just our slang for your order sir.”
<...

A blond walks into the hospital with a shattered right hand...

The doctor asks "what happened?"

So she says, "I was feeling really depressed so I took a gun, held it to my left ear and fired."

The doctor says "how did that damage your hand?"

"Well, before I fired I thought that it might be loud so I plugged the other ear."

A man dies and finds himself in front of God. He sees Jesus sitting at his right hand and a janitor with a mop sitting to his left.

“Who are you?” the man asks the janitor.



“I’m Cleanliness.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy that messed with a drug lord

(sorry if anything sounds weird, original is from Brazil)

This guy is chilling at home, when a big party starts at the neighboring mansion. It is a sweet sixteen party, with lots of guests and very loud music. At 1AM the guy is fed up and calls the cops to end with the nuisance. What he didn'...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.